Oh, what a troubling day this is, especially if you have yet to bring a baby home.
One of the reasons I started Casey Shay Press was to come up with ways for us to remember and celebrate our babies, even if they were only with us for a few weeks of pregnancy.
Early this year, I created In the Company of Angels: A Memorial Book, which is a record book to put down all your thoughts and hopes and dreams for the baby you lost.
Then, a few weeks ago, a fabulous graphic designer friend created a new bumper sticker for me that reads, “I believe in angels.” It is so beautiful! Go see it!
I encouarage you all to come up with your own ideas.
Plant a tree.
Buy a little baby statue for your yard.
Start a journal or diary of your days with baby.
Donate to the March of Dimes or a SIDS charity.
Start an Oct. 15 (Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day) walk.
Some of the best healing comes through taking real action toward keeping those memories close.
The memorial book is 25% off through May 15 in honor of Mother’s Day in the US. And we are all mothers.
If you want to get your hands on that angels bumper sticker, the publishing company will be giving away 100 of them when they come in during the first week of May. Keep watch on our Facebook page for the giveaway! Once they are in, anyone who buys the memorial book while the Mother’s Day special is going on will automatically get the bumper sticker for free.
When we have so little to remember our babies by, a pregnancy test stick, maybe a sonogram, or just our throughts, anything can mean a lot.
Have the best Mother’s Day you can. It’s okay to be upset and disappointed, to cry or to be angry at what you lost. It’s all part of the recovery. Just don’t let anyone tell you that you are not a mother.
I keep getting behind on comments. I truly apologize, ladies.
Last year, my second little miracle baby, now seven years old, had her first Grand Mal seizure. Since then, we’ve had to work hard to figure out what is best for her — medication or not, special help at school, what we should do. Amidst this, her dad and I have decided to finalize our separation with divorce.
And so, life is a little rough over here. Elizabeth was a twin, and her twin was lost at 10 weeks. When the neurologist first talked to us about Elizabeth’s condition, which involves brain malformations present from birth, she asked, “So what happened when you were 10 weeks pregnant?”
So we don’t know if the loss of the twin was part of what disrupted Elizabeth’s brain development. Or if her twin had it too, and didn’t survive. The nuerologist is continually surprised at how normally Elizabeth has grown and advanced despite a very unusual brain.
Anyway, this is my life. You are here because yours is hard. I only tell you these things by way of apology. I worry I will have to work full time soon, and the site will suffer. I’m working hard to get my publishing company going so it can help me stay focused on this work, books about miscarriage, this site, and helping other grieving moms. It’s struggling too. It’s all a struggle. It may not be enough. I will do the best I can. So will you. Because that’s all we can do.
If you’d like to learn more about Elizabeth, here’s a video I made about her condition.
December 22, 2009 at 1:27 pm · Filed under Grief, Holidays
So many of you are writing me lately. I don’t mind at all, but I do worry about the sudden increase in despairing moms who have lost their babies during what is supposed to be a happy time of the year. The joy and laughter around us can make us feel more isolated and alone. Remember you do not have to put on a brave face, and you can take time away from the big groups to remember what you have lost.
I have a whole section on managing the holidays, but mainly, just do the best you can. It’s all anyone can ask.
A little video reminding us that it is okay to grieve:
Casey Shay Press is the publisher of In the Company of Angels, a memorial book for babies lost to miscarriage or stillbirth.
I both run and belong to several support groups on miscarriage all over the internet. I’ve seen a somewhat alarming trend on forums and blogs to make the recommendation that women NOT get the H1N1 vaccine, because some believe it causes miscarriage.
I have seen women very upset who miscarry on the day of their vaccine or shortly after. This does NOT mean the two things were connected. Thousands of women lose their babies every day. It’s sad and terrible, and I so wish it didn’t happen. It only makes sense that some of the women who lose their babies will have done something that day that will make it seem connected. Had sex. Worked out. Fallen down. Or gotten a vaccine or other medical procedure.
Right now there is one thing we do know: swine flu is unexpectedly more dangerous to pregnant women and their babies. They are dying. Not all of them, not even a lot of them, but more than was expected. So the flu itself is a risk.
But we have no medically proven risk with the vaccine. Doctors insist it is safe. Maybe they are wrong, but a miscarriage after a vaccine cannot be conclusively connected. The vast majority of miscarriages are genetic.
It IS a big decision to get a vaccine, to knowingly put anything in your body when you are pregnant. I think the risk is too individual to be easily advised by someone who doesn’t know your situation. Some things to ask yourself:
Are there little children in your house who could bring home swine flu?
Are they in day care and more likely to get swine flu?
How do you personally handle illness?
Have you been prone to illness so far in the pregnancy, are you run down or fighting difficult symptoms?
What sort of swine flu complications are popping up in your specific part of the world?
And importantly, have you ever had a flu vaccine? Did it make you sick before?
Do the benefits of the vaccine outweigh the risk?
It may only be your own doctor who can advise you on this. Please, before listening to horror stories on the internet, talk to the person who knows you, who knows the level of risk in your community, and can help you weigh the benefits of the vaccine versus going without–your doctor.
When a miscarriage happens, we want to find somone or something to blame. This is very natural and happens to all of us. But we definitely don’t act based on something that might not apply to us, so I urge you to take this decision seriously before letting blog posts (even mine) convince you how to react on this vaccine issue, or to believe a conspiracy, or a cover-up, that might not be a sound part of your choice on the vaccine.
At this site you will find information and a place to come in your dark and frightened hours. The special features of the site are listed in the next column, as well as topics ranging from causes of miscarriage, to prevention, to when to try again for a new pregnancy.
A Reminder:
The only person who can really tell you what is happening to you is your own doctor, who peers into you with a light and a speculum, who samples your blood or urine, or who presses a sonogram paddle into your belly. If you are in trouble, bleeding, scared, or more depressed than you think you can handle on your own, you must find help. Read and research all you can, but remember that the one-on-one assistance of a real doctor is the only thing that will give you answers that count. If you don't like or trust your doctor, then find one you can.