May 23, 2013 at 10:25 am · Filed under About Deanna's Book, Forever Innocent and tagged: families, miscarriage, pregnancy loss, relationships
I’m writing a new book! Just like back in the day with Baby Dust, I’m hoping you brave mamas will share some of your stories so that this book will be as real and as helpful as my first one was.
We’re off to an amazing start, with some 500 mamas already coming over and some 50 comments already in place on the early posts.
I hope you will join us, and as we go along, I’ll be sharing what I hope can be helpful about the book, plus we’ll be giving away more prize and memory boxes (two have already been won!)
Come see us!
www.deannaroy.com/ForeverInnocent
May 11, 2013 at 11:44 am · Filed under Grief, Holidays, Mothers and tagged: Baby Loss, Mother's Day
My first Mother’s Day is gone from my memory, fried out, no doubt by several factors.
- My only baby had died just 10 days before.
- At church that Sunday, all the Mothers were told to stand, and while I have no idea if I stood up or not, I’m pretty sure I probably did something awkward, embarrassing, and uncomfortable for everyone around me. In fact, I’m pretty sure I left sobbing.
- Nobody knew what to say or do. Card or not? Flowers or not? I had to hole up and wait for sunrise Monday before I felt it was safe to communicate with anyone without disappointment or upset.
Here’s what I wish I had known that first Mother’s Day, and what I’d do differently.
- Remember that I am a mother. A nice piece of jewelry would have appeared with a lovely birthstone, even if I had to order it myself. It’s easy. Here’s an excellent place.
- Spend the day with my child. Fill out a memory book. Or write in a journal. Or just go to a place I might have gone when baby was ready for parks or picnics.
- Send notes to all the mothers I know, regardless of their baby status — to let them know I remember who THEY are.
What I would not have done.
- I wouldn’t have made reservations at some restaurant where my lack of a high chair might make the waiters ignore my status.
- I wouldn’t have gone to church. It’s painful when they have the children come up and take things to their moms or give them a hug. It’s hurtful when they ask the moms to stand, and you don’t know whether to do it or not (and for the women who are infertile or single and older but wanted children–I mean, come on. Let’s stop this.)
- I wouldn’t have been silent. I know not everyone is willing to put themselves out there. I wasn’t either, at first. But now, you can be for darn sure I’d be sending out e-cards and posting graphics like these to my page. I’m a mother and I won’t let anyone forget it.
As you go through this day, silently and at home, or publicly and with a mission to help others learn how best to be around other baby loss moms, remember the most important thing:
A mother isn’t counted by the number of diapers she has changed, the car seats in her mini van, or the crayoned pictures on her fridge.
It’s counted by the memories in her heart, the love she carries, and the protection that surged inside her from the first moment that she learned a new life had begun within her.
April 28, 2013 at 3:58 am · Filed under About Deanna's Book, Family, Grief, Miscarriage and tagged: Facebook, Forever Innocent, resources
One of my life’s works it to keep Casey close by expanding my reach to families who have lost a baby. It’s hard to imagine that this year, Casey would be getting his learner’s permit and start driving!
This year, I’m starting a new book and a new page for couples who are having trouble with their relationships after their baby dies. I get so many letters from women asking, “Is it normal for my husband to act like nothing happened?” So many feel betrayed by the one person who seemed to have been as invested in the pregnancy as them, and this cuts the hardest.
It’s hard to explain that the law of relationships is at work here — only one person can fall apart at a time. And that they don’t intend to make you feel more alone. It’s just what happens.
The new page on Facebook is called Forever Innocent, which will be the title of the book I’m writing. There I will be listening to your stories. We’ll be helping each other. And hopefully, in the end, we’ll work together to make a book that will have the resonance of Baby Dust. While that book deals a lot with the loss itself, this new book, which has a couple reunite four years after losing their premature baby and walking away from each other, will be for those couples who have struggled with how to manage their love for each other when so much of it was caught up in the goal of building a family.
Go visit the page and leave your experiences! I can’t wait to talk to you all!
https://www.facebook.com/#!/foreverinnocentbook
April 22, 2013 at 2:32 pm · Filed under Letters to Readers and tagged: husbands, lack of support, loss, meds during pregnancy, mental illness, partners, suicide
I never share private notes written to me, but sometimes I like to post my responses, as often what I say applies to many situations, and a keyword search might lead you here.
This response was for a woman who after years of infertility and a husband who did not seem to want a baby, got pregnant, then lost the baby despite going off the meds she feared would harm it, even though she needed them for mental illness.
_______________________________
Let’s first start with why you are feeling so awful.
1. A very sad and awful thing has happened, and you were both taken by surprise, and pushed and pulled back and forth for a bit before you knew for sure.
2. Your body, during this process, changes your chemistry to go from pregnant to non-pregnant, stripping your brain of very important chemicals that normally help you cope.
3. You are off medicines that normally help you, so problem number 2 in your case is much much worse than in other women.
That right there is enough to send ANYONE off the deep edge. I’d be peering over cliffs and testing ropes for sturdiness too!
But you have more.
4. Unsympathetic family. Forgive them. They just don’t know any better.
5. A situation that was unexpected from the start–you’re infertile, you’re not, you’re pregnant, you’re not. No wonder you want more meds. Hey, pass the bottle, I need some just worrying about you!
6. Some discord between you and your husband. He didn’t want a baby. But he had adjusted. That’s a sign of a good daddy-to-be. He’s said some things that aren’t so great about grieving. But that’s okay. He’s grieving too. Life isn’t anything like he expected, and he’s as bewildered as you are at how to handle it. And he’s withholding things from you that would comfort and heal you both, mainly sex, which is just fine and safe with condoms and would actually HELP this process along both physically (to encourage cramping) and emotionally. I urge you to help him see this so you can go back to a loving, take-care-of-each-other relationship. Right now it’s not good at all.
First, let me tell you, miscarriage is never your fault. Never, ever. If it were, no one would ever have babies, because all of us, at some point, doubt our abilities to care for one, or if getting pregnant were wise, and if we are in a good relationship, and if it’s a good time. ALL of us do this.
The main thing you need right now is to give yourself lots of space to behave any way you need. Don’t let anyone tell you how to act or when to be better. Realize much of this is physical bones-tissue-blood-chemistry and NOT a personal failing. Don’t pull this into your head, make it about your character. Mother Nature is often not a mother or nurturing. She’s a cold hearted witch with a capital B.
You’re doing fine. You’re reading, researching, learning, and reaching out. You’re going to get through this. And on the other side of it, when your sadness is a part of you but not ALL of you, you’re going to see the life this baby has given you, the changes that will happen due this tragedy. It may never make sense, but you will see its impact.
________________________________
Deanna is the author of Baby Dust, a novel about women going through miscarriage. If you need help right away, remember she has a secret Facebook group you can join.
March 8, 2013 at 8:04 pm · Filed under Family, Grief, Relationships
Pretty much every single day a mom comes into my private group and tells me her husband is making her feel worse.
She is sad. He is not.
She misses her baby. He acts like it wasn’t anything important.
She wants love and crying and support. He wants to forget about it.
I am here to tell you that this is normal. There is this law in relationships — only one person can fall apart at any given time. When one is sad, the other wants to fix it, minimalize it, or even bully it away. It’s a rare, rare situation where a couple, and most especially a couple with living children or other types of stresses in their lives, can grieve at the same time.
Your partner may not even realize this law is at play. He or she may be bewildered at his or her own behavior, shocked at the things that were said.
Sometimes they are sad too and just can’t show it. They don’t know how.
My advice is: love and forgive. Recognize that someone has to keep the ship afloat, and their being strong means you don’t have to be.
And just muddle through. Grief is a solitary thing. All you can do is the best you can.
________________________________
Deanna is the author of Baby Dust, a novel about women going through miscarriage. If you need help right away, remember she has a secret Facebook group you can join.
Next entries »
Empty
Cradle, Broken Heart
