Comments on: Friends, Family, and other Foes

By: Autumn

Autumn — Thu, 11 Oct 2007 22:46:06 +0000

I suffered a miscarriage @ 13 weeks. This would have been my second child. I was amazed @ how insensitive so-called friends and family could be. I heard well at least it happened before you were any further along. Then from a friend who was pregnant and due around the time I was called the day after I got out of the hospital from my D&C to let me know they were having a girl, when I told her what had happened she said well there is always next time. A week after my miscarriage my best friend gave birth to her baby. Friends and family quit calling or asking how I was, scared of what I would say I guess. I went to the mailbox everyday thinking someone would just send a simple note or card, but not a one. We recieved flowers from a couple of people, but haven’t heard from them since. Are people really this insensitive and this wasn’t really a life to them?

By: Amy

Amy — Mon, 27 Nov 2006 15:24:17 +0000

I miscarried my first pregnancy in September, and yesterday my father, who can’t wait for grandchildren, eagerly asked me if I had a baby on the way. I couldn’t believe he would have the nerve to ask me that only two months after I lost my first pregnancy. I was very short with him, and said, “I don’t want you to ask me that.” I simply can’t understand how he can be so insensitive. It’s like he thinks I let him down by losing my baby.

I’m so scared. My husband and I are trying again. I’m 36. I’ve been feeling sort of resigned to not having any children. I’m not sure I can take the pain of another miscarriage. Even just trying again feels so hard. Every time I get another period, I relive the grief.

I had a friend lose her second pregnancy. I can’t imagine going through it twice. I’m so scared that will happen to me.

By: KarenAnn

KarenAnn — Sat, 28 Oct 2006 03:53:15 +0000

My midwife gave me no indication that she was concerned about not being able to find the heartbeat, and just said she wanted to send me for an ultrasound since I had a tipped uterus and their office machine had poor resolution. I left with no idea that there was the possibility my baby had died. It never crossed my mind. As a result, I assured my husband it was a routine thing and no need to worry. He had to stay home with our sick son while I was seeing my midwife and had to go to work the next day, while I went off to my ultrasound. I was alone there when I finally realized what was happening, and what a “viability scan” really meant. Because I already had a living child, it never crossed my mind that I could miscarry, and my midwife, with her cheery smile and own very pregnant belly, never even mentioned the possibility. The technician didn’t explain anything, just asked if I was going back to my midwife, and when I said I had an appointment the fllowing month, she left to call the office, then came back and told me to go right over. When the nurse finally called me back, she asked if the tech had told me anything, I said no, and she said “cool.” A doctor I’d never met came in to tell me what I was slowly starting to realize. No one asked if there was someone they could call, or if I was ok to drive myself home.I called my husband from my car, sobbing, to tell him that I had been wrong about the “routine” ultrasound, and our baby was dead.

And an insensitive family member. I had announced my pregnancy at Thanksgiving dinner, which I had cooked for 14 people. I also hosted Christmas dinner. I miscarried in early January. When I announced my next pregnancy, DH’s aunt said “maybe you’ll take it easier this time”, insinuating that I had “overdone it” physically and caused m miscarriage.

By: kathy

kathy — Sat, 28 Oct 2006 01:52:25 +0000

Oh Autumn, that sounds truly awful. I remember the extreme pain and sadness I felt when I walked into the ER and had to tell the registration lady why I was there. I could hardly manage to get any words out. I was by myself as my husband was parking the car. And the ultrasound tech also wouldn’t tell me what she saw, she only said I was measuring 5 weeks instead of 8.

By: Autumn

Autumn — Fri, 27 Oct 2006 20:13:59 +0000

Perhaps mentioning the lack of understanding from some people in the medical profession would be worthwhile to include. In my case when the ultrasound technician couldn’t find a heartbeat, she said she had to go check with the doctor and then came back and passed me a printed sheet that said “fetal demise” on it. She offered no comfort as I lay crying on the table and even had to ask if I could have a kleenex (all they had was rough paper towel – you would think this had never happened there before). Then they wheeled me out in a wheelchair (because I had been sent from the ER) and made me wait for an hour crying in the ultrasound waiting room while happy pregnant women looked at their ultrasound pictures right in front of me. Despite my requests, they wouldn’t let me walk back to the ER on my own and made me continue to wait for a male orderly to come and wheel me back.

By: melody

melody — Thu, 26 Oct 2006 22:12:14 +0000

Dawn, I think your comment about how a person treated a friend who m/c’d and then had one herself is something worth considering.

By: Alison

Alison — Thu, 26 Oct 2006 11:32:28 +0000

Three months after my miscarriage, my sister-in-law included my husband and I in a group email about the joys of parenthood. This upset me hugely given that we had lost a chance at parenthood and we still hadn’t got over it.

I was very angry after my miscarriage and became very sensitive to comments made by some people, namely my in-laws. It took me a while to realise how angry I actually was and that I was directing my anger at people who were genuinely trying to help. It was as if I was trying to blame them for my miscarriage.

By: Katie

Katie — Thu, 19 Oct 2006 03:19:07 +0000

Lots of people said stupid, hurtful, unfeeling things to me, but more often than not, people were very kind and compassionate and understanding.

Probably the worst thing was when, a few days after my miscarriage, my cousin and his wife and kids got a new puppy and sent pictures attached to an e-mail that said “A New Addition to Our Family.” It was a freaking puppy! And my new addition was DEAD…It just really irritated me that a puppy was so exciting to them when I was hurting so much.

Then I started to feel so evil when I wish that other people would put their lives on hold b/c of my pain.

I was really ticked at my sister-in-law the other day. They have a little boy and girl, and she started talking about how they were going to try to have another in a few months. It just really irked me. I mean, can’t she at least wait until I have ONE baby? Then, again, I was just mad at myself that I felt like my loss and pain should dictate other people’s lives.

OH, and it now drives me absolutely NUTS when people talk about fat or saggy boobs or stretch marks after they have a baby. I literally want to scream….what I wouldn’t give to have some baby fat or saggy boobs or stretch marks – at least then I would have a baby…

By: LynnieRae

LynnieRae — Wed, 18 Oct 2006 04:46:52 +0000

I got two statements that seem to keep coming. Not to many people in my circle knows about my miscarriages. Especially since they were early. We chose to tell only a select handful of people and a few others along the way. Some of the ones that did know said, “Oh it just wasn’t the right time, you didn’t have the money to raise a child”, I was told, see children are a handful you should be happy you dont have any” I still get that last comment and it hurts. i have one family member that says your hubby isnt getting any younger (he’ll be 50 next yr) when you two going to have a baby? every time I see her. Lil does she know we’ve been trying and just cant seem to get pg again. Yes, I do speak with them but avoid the baby talk with them. i make sure (strangely enough) that there kids in the room when I’m with them because then they don’t start.

By: Dawn Lewis

Dawn Lewis — Tue, 17 Oct 2006 22:00:40 +0000

I was wondering if you could have a character realize how she treated a friend earlier who miscarried (maybe when she was a teen, or maybe her mother miscarried previously), and she regrets it. I do not recall caring much about miscarriage until it happened to me. In fact, my first miscarriage, I feel I pretty much passed over as everyone else did too. Even my ob was optimistic, and I just went with this. Who did I ignore or slap in the face with a comment I didn’t mean to make? I don’t know because I cannot even remember it! I do think an event makes us often more sensitive…