I went in for a my 26 week sonogram, I remember how excited I was about finding out the sex of my baby and that my daughter would have a sibling soon, I had so much hope while sitting in the waiting room before I went in to have the sonogram.
The sonogram technician’s name was Holiday and was cute as a button I remember thinking wow she must think I look like a huge cow. Holiday immediately start putting the cold goop on my belly (back before they warmed it) and I saw her, I saw my little girl floating around in my womb she was moving and waving her sweet hands and sucking her other thumb, she was perfect. I was not aware the technician was getting concerned until she promptly got up and walked out of the room and then returned with a physician to look at the screen. I was puzzled but was told not to worry but anything yet.. there were some things that might be a concern but they will know for sure after an amino and I was scheduled to have it the next day.
My fiancé was annoyed that he would have to drive me back up to the doctors but he was annoyed by me in general, see he and I were only getting married because I was pregnant and that is a whole other story.
I was at work when I got the call from a genetic disorder councilor, she told me that it would be best to find someplace in the building where I could talk in private and so I went into the boardroom. She told me that my darling little girl had Turner Syndrome and I told her I do not care she could have Downs Syndrome and that she is my baby I love her and will keep her. The councilor then explained that my baby girl was dieing inside of me. The baby had already had heart failure, her brain was swollen and she was only getting worse. she was not going to make it. I was then told news that I had a 98% of dieing in child birth if I carried her to term or even for much longer, I was given days to go in to get a D&E. This was all a women’s hospital that branched off from the more advanced hospitals here in town so I was alone and they could not help me any further.
I have to stop here and tell you that I question every single day what I was being asked to do and I to this day that feel that I killed my baby.
My OB/GYN told me that she could not help me with the D&E and that I would have to seek out an abortion clinic. I was devastated and felt like I was playing god and I could not understand why this was happening to me. Why couldn’t my doctor have helped me, held my hand and tell me that she would care for me?
I felt my baby kick for the first time the night before I went into the clinic, can you imagine? I just laid in bed and fell apart, questioned my whole life, wondered if I heard the counselor correctly, was she right? This was one of many things nobody prepares you for. I called my mother who spoke with the doctor right after I got the news, She said, “Michelle, there were no choices given.. you were told that you are dieing and that your baby is gone”
It was a two day process and it was a nightmare. The first day was actually at eight o’clock in the evening and I went into a hidden private abortion clinic that was recommended to me and I might add that I do not believe in abortion in any shape or form (unless it is in a grave situation).
The following is the details
The doctors were a husband and wife team. It was a very stark place and was a highly secured building there were gate after gate and codes and I just remembered how horrible to have to try so hard to go into a place that you just do not want to ever have to go in to. I loved and love that baby and I remember that my fiancé was almost chipper that it was all ending and to keep my sanity I ignored this, he was and will always be the person that almost but did not break my spirit. We were escorted into the lobby of the building and were told to if did not mind to have a seat and wait a moment in the waiting area. This was the waiting area that I guess so many had passed through because they did not want a baby just yet or did not need one at all. A short time passed and I was then called back to a very cold room and asked to change into a gown and then was helped onto a table and my legs placed up onto the stirrups, I remember having a hard time getting up on the table and then the doctor say to me, “ well you are out of shape and you should get your back looked at.” I was so applaud and wondered if he even recognized that I was a woman in her second trimester of pregnancy and that I was also grieving. He was a monster and I knew I should not expect anything more. I was silent and then he started to give me some medication (not sure what it was) and then inserted something to make me dilate. We went home that evening and I numb from what I just had started just cried and was inconsolable and I told me baby that I loved her and that I will miss her and that I would meet her in heaven one day if they would have me and if she would want me as her mommy still. We were to meet back at the clinic at 6:00 am. This time when we arrived I was greeted by a very warm natured nurse and given a gown to wear. I was given some medication that would help induce me and help me sleep a little. I was in the clinic until about 9:00 pm I was awake and aware during it all.
During the next few days I was in and out of sleep and while awake I was crying non-stop. I would love to say that was the worse but then I could not sleep because every time I closed my eyes I was there on the table losing my baby. I then had thoughts that I wanted to end it all and was afraid that I was going to harm myself, the one good thing that my fiancé did was save me by pulling me up and taking me to a doctor and I was on Prozac for one month. It was the hardest year of my life.

My fiancé broke off the engagement three weeks later and asked why I could not lose the weight and just stop crying. I broke things off with him and never looked back.
I was to be in a wedding of my best friend and the sister in-law of the bride asked me my I was not around for the shower planning and then when I told her why she just simply with out stop says to me, “bummer… so bring a cake to the shower, k” then hangs up. My friends were as helpful as they could but also wondered why I just could not “move on”, “Get over it”, ”that evil creep should not have a baby, you are lucky”…on and on and with each word it hurt even more.

I went back for another appointment on 7/13. The dr said I was far enough along to hear the hb on the Doppler. He couldn’t find one but he said not to worry because my bowels were loud. He brought me to the sono room & tried to get a hb but we couldn’t really see anything. He still told me not to panic & sent me right over to the ER to have a sono tech do a sono on me (his tech was out & he claimed it wasn’t his specialty- it was also Thursday night & he said he didn’t want us to worry all weekend). He was very reassuring but on the way over to the hospital, I had such a sinking feeling, like I knew.

My sono was over an hour long. At the end of it, the techs said they couldn’t tell me anything & that my doctor would call me. Which he did, as I was pulling into my driveway. (My husband and I had separate cars that evening). He said he didn’t know why but the baby had died. I couldn’t believe it. I literally fell out of my car. Thanksfully my husband had pulled in right behind me. He had to pick me up and walk me into the house. I don’t think we slept that night. It was already almost 10pm. My doctor said to call in the morning to come in and talk.

We called the next morning (7/14) and were told to come in. I had a d&c around 8:30 that evening and was home by about 1am. That, in my opinion, was the easy part. We did ask for & get genetic testing. Unfortunately, (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it) there was nothing wrong. I think, in my mind, if there had been something wrong with my bean, I’d have been able to accept that I lost him or her much easier than having the “We don’t know why this happened” as our answer…

I did have a miscarriage between 1st born and 2nd born. I had begun weaning my son at 10 months, then had one very light period. It was only 3 days. A few weeks later, I was working and my breasts started leaking milk. I thought that was strange as I had stopped nursing completely. When I began spotting and cramping six weeks beyond my period I thought it was so late because it was my 2nd pp period and had heard cramping was heavier for periods after a baby was born. I went to watch my husband play softball in the evening, and chased my newly walking toddler around. I kept having cramps and bleeding. I went home and decided to take a bath as I thought a bath would help. I said to my husband that I thought the cramps felt like labor, and joked I could be pregnant. I sat in the hot water for fifteen minutes and then suddenly felt a force push something out of my body. I looked in the water and a mass was floating. I yelled to my husband in alarm, and he came running in. I said, “I think I miscarried in the tub!” I told him to go get a plastic bag and a dish with a lid. He came back, and I collected the mass. I examined it, and could see what looked like spongy material. If you’ve ever seen those week by week pregnancy photos, my miscarried baby was similar. I could see the outer chrion (is that what it’s called) which looked spongy. I noticed on the inside of this was a curved little pinkish mass. It also looked spongy. I could make out feet and hands, ridges where fingers should be. No eyes, no ears, nothing that clear. I think the flesh was degraded from dying earlier. I went to the ob’s office the next day, and a nurse tried to get a culture or something, but I was bleeding too much. The ob met with me, and I gave her the little bowl. She didn’t even look at it. She guessed by my reported period I was 5 weeks along, and told me I could try again in two months. She said I was healthy, and had a healthy baby, so I should have no trouble. I walked out and left my little one behind. I wish now I had taken the baby with me and buried him/her. I would guess the baby was more like 8 weeks old based on size. It was not a grain sized baby, but was 2-3 inches long…considering that they often shrink, mine may have been older than 8 weeks.

It sounds really great so far. Here are a few dynamics from my miscarriage story. Dh and I were married for 8 years before deciding very deliberately to try to conceive. It happened right away and we were elated. We lost our baby at 8 weeks. I think one of my biggest fears was, why did I wait so long to do this? What if we can’t? And then there was the whole process of mustering up the courage to try again, which I am sure you will do a wonderful job on.

And also the effects of miscarriage on a marriage. We both grieved immensely right away, but his grief was tied to my pain and seeing me suffer, whereas my grief was all internal. So when I appeared to “recover” he was able to move on when really I was still suffering, but just not showing it externally. As soon as we found out about the miscarriage, we literally packed up and jumped in the car and drove for a week straight. As if we were trying to outrun something. When he explained to his boss what had happened, he gave him permission to take some time off, only to find that my husband lost his job when we got back.

Christmas came and went, and then near the end of January I returned for my next appt, just a week before our first ultrasound. Once again, the doctor was unable to find a heartbeat. She then checked the size of my uterus and then told me I could get dressed. When she returned to the room she sat down and asked me if anyone had talked to me about miscarriage.

It was like being hit by a train. Everything around me started to spin and I simply couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I imagine that it feels like falling off a cliff–your stomach is in your throat and suddenly everything has changed and there is nothing you can do to stop it. Our future dissolved in a few quick words. I can’t imagine every feeling as profoundly sad as I did that day.

The doctor began to explain about missed miscarriage. There were no symptoms, no bleeding, no indication that things weren’t going well. My body failed to recognize that this baby had died weeks before. We then had to wait two days for an ultrasound appointment before the m/c could be confirmed, and then another week for a D&C. I am not a talented enough writer to find the words to describe the pain and the heartbreak that followed, but I’m sure that anyone who has gone through it understands.

It does put strain on relationships, but if you keep talking to each other, you’ll get through it. Communication is the key! Good luck and god bless.

Cheers

BC