Your next pregnancy: To tell or not to tell

One of the scariest parts of getting pregnant after a miscarriage is the fear that it might happen again. It permeates everything, and can be so strong that seeing that positive home pregnancy test may fill you with dread rather than joy.

Hopefully you have a good understanding doctor in your corner (if not, FIND one, ask your friends for recommendations) and a supportive partner.

But still, as the nausea starts to hit and you consider whether or not you can get away with leaving your pants unbuttoned, you wonder–should I tell anyone I am pregnant?

The first impulse is to keep it to yourself. Your conversations about the loss might have been too terrible and painful to consider going through again. Maybe you feel like a failure (though you shouldn’t) or worry you will be judged.

It’s natural for us to want to hunker down with our pain, fight it alone, and try to keep the glossy outside world separate from our grief. Maintaining a zone where you don’t have to think about a loss, where you can escape it for a few hours, is a legitimate reason to keep the information from coworkers or bosses.

But I do think you should reconsider not telling friends and family. Imagine yourself, 25 years down the line, with a daughter in your position. Would you not want to know? To hopefully offer some sort of ear, if not concrete help?

I know some of us have parents who are less than helpful. Our partner’s parents may be worse. But I am a big believer in pain shared being pain halved, and if you don’t let anyone know you are pregnant, then no one can help you in your dark days.

I also want you to consider this: if you knew you only had two weeks to spend with someone you loved–how would you want it to be spent? In secret, in shadow, just between you? It’s possible, and if so, then keeping the knowledge private might be the way to go.

But if you want hope, joy, and happiness to suffuse what time you might have, then let it all out. Greet this new baby into the world with all your heart, make memories, make scrapbook pages, and make a mini-life. You are not going to feel worse because you did this. Your heart cannot hurt any more than it will if you kept it a secret. But you will have had that happiness, and certainly those moments make the pregnancy worth it, no matter how it ends.

I understand the need to hide it. If you read my journal you’ll find I felt exactly the same way the second time around. But in hindsight, and that is what I share with you, I am glad I wasn’t able to contain it and told everyone. Because when the bleeding started, when the tests were abnormal, when I had to be on bedrest, crying, sure another baby would be lost, I had help. I had books, I had phone calls, I had caring. And me and that baby were surrounded with love, and that’s the best way to go out of this world.

10 thoughts on “Your next pregnancy: To tell or not to tell

  1. Beautifully written. Thank you. I miscarried a couple months ago and got pregnant again right away. I’m now 4 weeks along and terrified that it will happen again. I’m cramping mildly and although it could be normal, I know better or at least my head is telling me I’m not fooling myself. I told many people that I was pregnant again. I was regretting it until I read your post. Thank you. I will try to make the most out of this pregnancy just in case it goes to term. And if not, well, I’ll have my friends and family to count on.

  2. I just miscarried for the 5th time and am glad I only told close frineds and family. They are understanding without subjecting me to a constant barrage of intense sympathy that makes me uncomfortable. I loved my baby for his entire life and am glad he was here with me- however briefly. God doesn’t value a life by its longevity. Each life is eternal, each is of infinite value to Him. My baby has an eternal place of love in my heart and I believe I’ll see him again in Heaven.

  3. I came across your website and just wanted to say thanks. I am in the process of my second miscarriage. Luckily, I have a beautiful son that keeps me happy and reminds me of how lucky I am everyday. But, this time is always hard. We told family of our pregnancies before we lost them and as much as you have a feeling of regret, we were so happy to know we had been blessed with a child – we just had to share it. They will always be a part of us and remain in our hearts forever.

  4. I just read your story and I had to have a D&C Oct. 1st due to a missed miscarriage. This was our first pregnancy. We were able to hear the heartbeat and figured everything would be fine so we told EVERYONE! Well, we had to tell EVERYONE that it did not work out. It was very difficult but I was shocked to find out that almost everyone had had a miscarriage or knew someone close who had one. It was so comforting to know that others knew what I was going through. We get to try again in a month (the 1st of Dec we start clomid again) and I was torn between telling everyone again once we find out again. After reading this, if I get pregnant again right away like last time on clomid, I am going to tell EVERYONE (even my husband) on Christmas. What a great present for our family! Thank you!

  5. i just found this websiite and have been reading a lot on it it has really healped me. i was pregnant with my first and miss-carried october 17th 2 days after my 3 anniversary. we had been trying for 3 years and were oh so happy to see those double lines on the preg test. i was only seven weeks but that 7 weeks was probably the most happiest part of my life. i had hope that everything would be ok but god saw different. they had to do a d&c and it was like all life was just sucked out of me like i had died, i prayed and prayed and went to church and had the people pray but it wasnt gods will. i have to say my heart goes out to any person who has to go through the loss of their baby, if it wasnt for my friends,god and family i dont think i would be able to make it. but to all of you who have gone through this keep trying it will happen.

  6. i just had a d&c on october 31 08. for me that day as is, is a horrible day. when they told me that my baby had died i was sooo devistated. i never thought that this could happen to me because 2 days earlier i had an u/s and the baby was fine.. i was in shock. but i came acroos this website and i read some comments and it made me feel alot better that theres alot of people like myself that has been through this. i already have 1 daughter and she is my rock. im ready to go forward with my life and looking positive to get pregnant hopefully this december (God willingly)… thanks..

  7. I miscarried in July and the whole thing was awful. I found it extremely difficult to come to terms with the fact that it was gods will. I had told everyone, and like others on here i found that so many people had suffered the same so were able to help me through. I am fortunate to have a 2 year old son, who has helped me.

    I went into hospital 2 weeks after my D&C as i had a lump in my jaw that could not be operated on once i found out i was pregnant. So after losing the baby i rescheduled the operation. It was during this time that i found that the lump was a cyst at the base of my brain and that if the pregnancy had of continued the baby and i would probably be dead. It was a very difficult time but i was able to see that this had been gods plan for us.

    I am now happy to say that i am much better and 5 weeks pregnant. I am not as anxious as i thought i would be but none-the-less have not rushed out and told everyone. I told my husband, my parents and best friend and they have been so supportive. The last pregnancy for some reason didn’t feel right but this one does so i am praying that this one will be ok.

    Good luck to everyone else, Emma xx

  8. I just found this site as I had a miscarriage after being pregnant for 9 weeks, last Thursday. My baby died at 7.5 weeks. I have found such peace on this site, and such a balance of information from factual to beautiful songs. I have posted a link to your site on all the other sites I use, as I hope it could be such a help to other pelple in the same situation.
    This was our first pregnancy, from our 2nd round of clomid. I have everything crossed for the next round after Christmas.
    Strangely we have told more people about the miscarriage than we did about being pregnant; I needed support of people knowing and only our best friends knew we were pregnant.
    Thank you for this site, it’s truly lovely.
    Viki xx

  9. I was 8 weeks on January 28th, 3 days later we found out we lost our baby. Just the week before we went in for our first visit and we saw the heartbeat, it was so wonderful to see that, even though I knew I was pregnant after taking 4 tests. I had had a feeling something wasn’t right though, I was having bad cramps in my lower back and bleeding. The nurse on the phone said that is common, but I knew it didn’t feel right. We went to the hospital and they checked me and found no heartbeat. It only measured for 7.5 weeks. I have been so devastated since then. I found this website and after reading about so many women who have lost their babies makes it a little easier for me to go thru this, that I am not alone, even though I am. My family all live back in PA, it’s only my husband and I out in CO., when he works at night, that is when it is the hardest because I sit and think what if. That’s where this website has helped me. I am truely sorry for everyone that has lost a baby, my prayers to all of you.
    Thank you so very much for this site. It has helped me.

  10. I just wanted to say thanks- I just found this website and it has brought some comfort. My husband and I lost our first baby at 8 weeks. I was scheduled for a D&C on October 16 (which is also my husband’s birthday) and the procedure went smoothly- or so we thought at least. A month later I was still spotting here and there and feeling out of it all the time. I ended up in the ER on November 21st bc the abdominal pain became more than I could handle. They did some more tests and realized not only had I developed an infection from the first D&C but there was still tissue left in my uterus. I had to have an emergency D&C on the 22nd of the same month and was on IV antibiotics for 36 hours. The hospital I was in for 3 days I guess is trying to do something new for moms- every time a baby is born they play the lullaby song over the loud speaker so the whole hospital can hear… this is probably something I will adore when I deliver a child one day, but was torturous to me and my family during this time. I was finally released and have now been through two full cycles. I’m terrified about getting pregnant again, but want a family more than I fear the unknown. Reading all the info on this site has helped me a lot and I’m really grateful people are so willing to talk and share what they have gone thru. Being open about this type of thing is truly hard, but definitely helpful. THANKS

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