Telling friends and family about your miscarriage

telling friends and family

I remember the moment I called my parents as if it were this morning. We were supposed to have found out the sex of the baby, but instead we learned he had died. It was the hardest moment of all, I think, because when you tell someone else what has happened, it becomes real.

In these conversations, I think you have to be as straightforward as possible. They will have lots of questions that you may or may not be able to deal with right now. I would keep the conversation brief if possible and let the details work themselves out over the next few days. Once the grandparents know, then you can move on to others. You may find it easier to tell a close friend or sibling first and let them tell the grandparents. This depends on your family make up.

If no one knew you were pregnant, you may be tempted to remain silent. I don’t recommend you keep this all to yourself. Most of your friends and family would want to be there for you during this difficult time. You are denying them an opportunity to help you. You don’t have to pretend this was no big deal, or that the baby wasn’t real. You were pregnant, you were expecting great joy, and you lost it. This is not a small thing.

We sent out an email to all our friends once our parents and closest friends had been called. The text of it is included below.

To our friends,

This is a difficult e-mail to write.

On Tuesday, April 28, we learned that the baby whose September arrival we had so anxiously anticipated, had died. The cause is as yet unknown; we will probably never know why.

We have named the baby Casey Shay. Casey will be delivered on Thursday and cremated.

We know that you feel for us. We ask that you send your sympathy and condolences to us by writing instead of calling, if you don’t mind. It is difficult to find words to say anyway, and it is hard for us to relive the entire experience over and over again. We would cherish any cards or notes you would care to send.

We also know that you will have a hard time knowing how to act around us for a while, especially those of you who are expecting a child. While this will be hard for us to handle for a little while, we will eventually be all right. In a couple of weeks, you may certainly give us a call to go out for dinner or drinks, or a movie. We are strong people and have a very strong relationship with each other. We will be fine and will, sometime later this year, be ready to try again.

Our lives are going to be a little different now. Deanna, of course, had already resigned her teaching position and has no intention of going back. She will be looking for a new job in June, in a new career. Once the delivery and recovery are behind us, we will be traveling for a week or so and visiting some of our favorite places, so don’t be surprised if you don’t hear from us for a while. When we were first married, one of our favorite places to visit was the seawall at Galveston. We will most likely stay there a few days.

Keep the three of us in your thoughts and prayers.

John and Deanna

 

No one will talk about it.

Many, many women write me and say that no one will let them talk about their baby, and even their close friends, church members, and family shy away from the topic. This is so common that it has become the number one comment I get in emails.

What is really happening? Your friends, your coworkers, your church acquaintances know you are hurting, and hurting deeply. They do not know what to say. They want you to feel better, so they think somehow, if they ignore what happened, you will forget about it sooner. There are a lot of people who honestly believe that the more you talk about something, the worse you feel. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Unfortunately, unless you feel comfortable bringing it up (and you SHOULD; it is perfectly okay), no one else will. Would you want to be talking on the phone with someone, having a perfectly normal conversation, and then suddenly say something that makes the other person burst into tears? This is what your friends believe will happen (and they are probably right), and they don’t want to put you through that. They don’t understand that this is exactly what you need to do.

I forced the issue on my friends for a while, refusing to talk about anything else. All the while, however, I got on the internet, in chat rooms and bulletin boards, talking to other women in my situation who were interested in every detail. When you can’t get the support you need in your current circle of friends, reach out to those of us who have been there. I have made countless friends through our shared experiences, and these are people you can count on to understand and not to say anything stupid. They have been there, and for a while, they are the best friends you will have.

Find an online forum for women who have experienced a loss. Visit it and get the support you need outside your normal circles, for a while. When you are used to talking about your baby, then you may be ready to bring up the subject with your family and friends. I think you will find that many of them really want to know what happened. Deanna runs one on Facebook, which is private and friends cannot see your posts.

People might say awful things.

Most people don’t really know what to say, so they make something up on the spot or repeat old-fashioned sayings that don’t really apply. I think that they feel the need to say something, and they want somehow to make it all better. While many of the stupid things that people will say to you upon learning you have lost a baby seem thoughtless and even cruel, do realize that it is difficult to find the right thing to say to you. You will probably be upset no matter what they say. This is okay, you can always just walk away from the conversation.

For those of you who want to retort, here are some replies to the most common comments you will hear.

Comment: “This was probably a blessing in disguise.”
Reply: “I don’t see it that way; this is actually very hard for me

Comment: “At least you weren’t farther along.”
Reply: “I think a baby is a baby no matter how big he or she is

Comment: “Now you have an angel in heaven.”
Reply: “Yes, but I’m sure I’d rather have a baby here

Comment: “This was God’s will.”
Reply: “I don’t think I or anyone really knows what God’s will is exactly

Comment: “Be glad you didn’t get attached to it.”
Reply: “Actually, we were quite attached to our little baby

Comment: “Stop worrying. My cousin had four miscarriages and she had a baby just fine.”
Reply: “I am very sorry for your cousin. I know how hard those four miscarriages must have been.”

Comment: “If you stop thinking about it, you’ll feel better.”
Reply: “Actually, thinking about the baby is important to me.”

Comment: “You can always have another one.”
Reply: “Yes, but I still lost this one, and one child can never replace another

Sometimes the best way to handle difficult people is to simply avoid them until you are up to it. If the problem is a mother-in-law (and it often is), ask your husband to handle her calls and keep yourself busy in the kitchen or elsewhere when she visits. Don’t take her or anyone else’s comments as being critical of you. Even when they seem that way; they are rarely meant to be.

Mean and Petty People

We all know they are out there. People who are thoughtless, crude, or mean. Who knows why they are like they are. Maybe life was too harsh for them. Maybe they are socially inept. But they have the power to really really upset you.

It’s best to avoid these people, but sometimes their meanness seeps into your life, and sometimes they are your family. Here are some examples of terrible, horrible things people have said to women on the bulletin boards. Maybe the people you know will seem like angels in comparison.

  • From a woman who had just had a baby to a woman who had just lost one: “Thank God I didn’t follow your pregnancy advice!” (Did she think this was a joke?)
  • From a mother-in-law when both her daughter and the daughter-in-law were pregnant and the daughter-in-law lost her baby: “Well at least my daughter knows how to take care of herself and give me a grandchild.”
  • From a “friend” after hearing about the loss of a baby during a vacation: “I told you not to go on that plane trip. Everyone knows it causes miscarriage.” (It does not.)
  • From another friend, who was also pregnant. “God, I hope it’s not catching.”
  • From a mother to her daughter. “You shouldn’t have had a baby with that creep anyway. Thank God it died.”

How did you handle this difficult moment?

Leave a note in the comments about what you did as you told others about what happened.

5 thoughts on “Telling friends and family about your miscarriage

  1. I got pregnant when I was 15, I miscarriaged and I am now 17. “Time will heal”, is one of the biggest lies I’ve heard when it comes to losing your baby. Some say it was for the best since I was only 15, but that is not true. It’s never “for the best” losing a baby, let alone YOUR baby. What can you do? You feel like you have to do something to honor your child you lost. A lot of people don’t give credit/pay attention to the people who lost a baby. It is one of the biggest heartbreaks there is. Something that has helped me is I got the date of the baby’s due date engraved into a box and a bracelet….the father of my baby has one as well. Losing a baby together definitely puts a strain on the relationship…somewhat even makes things a little awkward. I constantly felt like he didn’t care about the baby and I was alone, but I failed to understand that people grieve in different ways. Not everyone will cry, not everyone will write letters…everyone has a different way of doing things and you need to respect that. No matter what the parents of the child say, they do care….how could you not care about something you created? I think about the day I lost my child more than once every day. I feel obligated to do something about it, whether it’s writing a book or letting balloons go in the air. You feel lost after you lose your baby. It feels like your life is ruined….like you have nothing to live for anymore…
    But, you CAN get through it no matter how hard it is!! Stay strong!!
    xoxoxoxoxo

  2. it was the most devastating news both times I was 19weeks and my baby died at 14weeks I put it down to the laxative senna even though it wasn’t proven but I know. second loss after that pregnancy at 12weeks baby died at 10weeks both devastating and It was different stages but it hurt me just the same it was hard with the first loss because I found out it was a boy and had a funeral. its hard because Ive given birth to two healthy children at 18 and 21 they were fine a girl and boy. and the loss has effected them they didn’t know about the second loss. im now 26 im so desperate to get my 3rd child its so hard

  3. ok not a hundred pur sent but I think I had a miscarriage I had sex a week after I got off the drop shot and then start on birth control cause my parenter ask me to get on some was really think then started to a little funny didn’t think anything about. I aclly start to woulder if I had cancer didn’t really think about being pregnant. until I was talk to my parenter and I started to cry when he was talk about move way. as start to getextremely tier. form just working a few hours at to an 8 hour shif would get exlmey sleep.I would sleep 17 plus hours a day didn’t have any energy I would some day if I drink coffee would throw up in my month but not enough I need to go home my boos would hurt on and off etc had all the pregnant symptoms but no miss period. yet took a told of 6 pregnancy test 3 navigate and 3that end up w a faint line. as a postive even when to the doctor but I think I went to early I also couldn’t sleep on my stomach like I had before and w my son I couldn’t find out that fine out that I was pregnant w my son until I was 6weeks and even took test before that and it would show up navigate to so idk what that reason was but I just keep worried that I was and my partner was worried and was stressed about it abd w his dad sick then one day I keep haveing a lot of pusher on my bladder I couldn’t figure out y after I just went to the bathroom by that Sunday morning I went to the bathroom and I started to lighty bleed bright red I went and cry cause I even took a test and it was a big fat navigate and as the day went on it got worse to where I was in paid. and had to take ivy proven. and when I got home I put a tappon in as I did rechers I didn’t relzie u not to where them if it have a misscaige and w in 20I’m to 30mins I had to go take it out and I had a lot to blood clots that just keep competing out queers size that Tuesday I had an opponent to see the doctor so 3 days later after I think I lost the baby my blood test came back navigate w his I thought it cause even if I was I would of lose all the hormels in my body so it came back navigate wish I thought it would I was upset I’m not spoto talk about it but I can’t keep it in and want to know if I was and some of the stuff that happen I didn’t tell my partner cause he was there a hole lit and he was dealing w his dad being in the hospital and he was going down hill but he made it thought so farr I know now that if I was pregnant god decided to take the baby y insted of his dad wish he need him I’m praying that he can bet his baldal w cause but it still suck that I couldn’t keep it cause it something I’ve been wanting for a long time but I guise time will only tell if I get to have another one but and by the was I was craved ice cream peant butter chocolate and Mexican food the real stuff I just I could of hoax my partner there for me a lot more abd I’m still dealing w the lost to day but I’m not spoto talk about it let me know what u guys think to help me

  4. My first pregnancy was an ectopic. My second was a baby girl, we lost her at 12 weeks. The third was a boy, we lost him at 38 weeks, I held him in my arms and was devastated. I learned that I have trombophilia. Now I’m 16 weeks pregnant and just learned that the baby died at 12,3 weeks, after countless heparin shots and absolute resting. she was a girl and had a heart disease. I don’t know how to keep going. The worst thing is to cope with people who never experienced anything like this but feel entitled to give their opinion . I m 35 years old and I want to have a baby more than anything else but I’m scared and can’t stop grieving. Thanks for giving a place were to share our pain.

  5. I had a friend say “yeah I can talk. I’m dealing with my own problems but we can talk about your problems”. This was after I had emailed the news and she wrote back offering to chat whenever I needed it. I did talk to her, but it was obvious she wasn’t listening and so when I asked about her stuff she blubbered on for 40 min while she talked about my thing for 10. Her issues were that she got a job offer but it wasn’t quite as much money as she was hoping for and she wanted to know how to get money out of her dad for her wedding. I respect that stress is different for each person and we shouldn’t downplay someone’s situation, but getting the job/ title you want in the city you want to live in and planning your wedding are positives. My situation was negative and out of my control and so final. Plus she got off the phone to talk the job with another friend that’s a hiring manager. I’m not, so why even ask me for advice to begin with? Other friends sent pictures/videos of their kids saying they were thinking of me… Last thing I want to see. Another friend asked me a week later to take pictures of her son for his 1st birthday. Really?

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