A Place for Our Angels

These memorials were placed as posts on the Facts about Miscarriage forums that ran from 2005-2007. If multiple messages were left in the same thread, they are all here together even though older posts from other years may be mixed with 2007

This list goes backwards from September 2007 when the boards ended to August 2007. These are, naturally, the most active threads and many posts within the threads go back very far.

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To my dear sweet angel baby Nevaeh Grace….mommy loves you. Today I learned God took you home. Your grandpa will keep you safe….

All my love,
mommy
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kidpsych2be
An Angel who Heals with 2500 Posts

Joined: 08 Jan 2006
Posts: 3070
Location: Virginia Beach, VA
Posted: Wed Aug 16, 2006 12:56 pm    Post subject:  

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Nevaeh….Daddy and I learned that we have another chance. We want you to know we love you and miss you and as we get closer to the date we were to meet you, mommy’s heart still feels empty without you.

Your baby brother or sister will not take your place. He or she will only enrich our lives and someday we’ll tell them about you.

Please watch over mommy and daddy and the little one during this journey.

We will always remember you.

*mommy
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kidpsych2be
An Angel who Heals with 2500 Posts

Joined: 08 Jan 2006
Posts: 3070
Location: Virginia Beach, VA
 Posted: Sun Oct 15, 2006 11:50 am    Post subject:  

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I am so happy that I have been able to be optimistic during this pregnancy. Thank you for giving me the strength I so desperately needed. I could not have made it through my first trimester without you. You are mommy’s angel and I love and miss you everyday….

Mommy will light a candle for you today…a day of Remembrance for lost angels. Please continue to watch over us and keep us strong.

You are never forgotten.

Mommy
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kidpsych2be
An Angel who Heals with 2500 Posts

Joined: 08 Jan 2006
Posts: 3070
Location: Virginia Beach, VA
 Posted: Sat Feb 03, 2007 12:28 am    Post subject:  

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My Beautiful Baby Girl,

I think of you heavily tonight knowing it was one year ago today that you were taken from my body. The day I learned I lost you passed last month and I said a prayer for you. We talk often and I’m so thankful you’ve been there to watch over your sister. She is growing so healthily and seemingly happy. You are the cause of that…you have done a perfect job as a big sister.

I love you and I think of you always….

All my love,
Mommy
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kidpsych2be
An Angel who Heals with 2500 Posts

Joined: 08 Jan 2006
Posts: 3070
Location: Virginia Beach, VA
 Posted: Wed Sep 05, 2007 10:06 pm    Post subject:  

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My sweet Nevaeh….

Gianna is the most precious gift you could give me. You’ve done a perfect job caring for her and giving me a chance to care for her now.

I will never forget you, you will live in my heart forever. I think of you often and dream of what you would look like, smell like, act like….

You would be a year old now. I’m happy to know papa isn’t lonely up there because he has you to care for him….

All my love,
mommy

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Posted: Thu Aug 09, 2007 11:55 pm    Post subject: My Son  

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Wesley,

This is my second night without you. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life to give you up. Your father and I love you so much and we know that you are in much better care now than we could have ever provided for you ourselves. Mommy and Daddy will get better with time and I know you will be there every step of the way. I have made sure that everyone knows your name and that you are our first little boy. No one will ever forget you or your short time on earth. We love you more than we knew we could.

Kisses, kisses, kisses. May they never end.

Love,

Mom
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Tamii

Joined: 09 Aug 2007
Posts: 130
Location: Toledo OH
 Posted: Mon Aug 13, 2007 9:11 pm    Post subject: Day 5  

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Wesley,

It has been 5 days since I held you. It is defenitely not getting any easier yet. Your great-grandfather came to heaven to be with you this morning. I hope you two are holding eachother closely. I can’t believe you had someone come to be with you so soon. You are named for him – so I guess you were meant to be together.

Your big sister has started to talk to “baby” in the sky instead of mommy’s belly, but I think it will be a long while before she understands that you are not inside of me anymore. Please keep a special watch over your sister for us since we are having such a hard time right now.

Sometimes I can feel when you are with me. My heart swells. I am going to get some help soon to try and find a way to think of you all the time without being so sad. I am so happy that God gave me the little bit of time that I did have with you. Even though this has made me so sad, I cannot imagne my life without you now.

Although we will eventually try and have another baby, I just cannot imagine anyone comparing to our baby Wesley. You were so beautiful. I looked at your sister today and saw your nose on her face! I can’t believe how many features I could distinguish on your little face.

I am going to try and talk to the hospital tomorrow and find out if there is a way we can get your remains. I am not sure where we will scatter your ashes yet, but I know you will let me know where you would like to be in your own time. It will come to me.

I sleep with your blanket every night and it gives me comfort. Your daddy and I love you so much son. I cannot wait to see you again and until then you and your grandpa stay out of too much trouble!

Love and LOTS of kisses,

Mommy
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Tamii

Joined: 09 Aug 2007
Posts: 130
Location: Toledo OH
 Posted: Tue Aug 14, 2007 10:53 pm    Post subject:  

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Hi honey,

I just wanted to let you know how much your father and I were thinking of you and missing you today. Somehow it seems the days are getting more difficult instead of easier. My arms ache to hold you again. I look at your pictures every day and your big sister and I give you lots of kisses. We miss you so much! I hope you and your great grandpa are enjoying your time together.

We love you Wesley.

Mommy and Daddy
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Tamii

Joined: 09 Aug 2007
Posts: 130
Location: Toledo OH
 Posted: Wed Aug 15, 2007 12:26 pm    Post subject:  

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It has been almost exactly a week since I delivered you. Sometimes it seems like it happened five minutes ago and others it seems like it has been years since I kissed your beautiful face. I want to tell you how much we love you and await the day I can hold you again. I love you, I love you. Words cannot explain.

Your mommy.
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Tamii

Joined: 09 Aug 2007
Posts: 130
Location: Toledo OH
 Posted: Wed Aug 15, 2007 7:12 pm    Post subject:  

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Wesley,

Your father and I went out to dinner tonight and had grandma watch the baby. I haven’t left the house much since I lost you, so it was a pretty big deal. It is crazy to see how everything and everyone else is just going about their normal routines when I am so stuck. I think about you every second. I wish that you were here with me, but then I know you are better off where you are, so that is kind of selfish.

I saw a comment someone left from an unknown author that said, An angel opened the Book of Life and wrote down my baby’s birth. Then she whispered as she closed the book, “Too Beautiful for Earth”. I think this is sooooo true. You were the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life.

A week ago at this exact time I still had you with me, I was holding you in my hands. I love you so much and I know I am writing a lot, but when I try to talk to you in prayer, I feel like I can’t think of everything I want to say.

You will never be forgotten. I love you more than any words can describe. I hope you can feel it.

Love,

Mommy
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Tamii

Joined: 09 Aug 2007
Posts: 130
Location: Toledo OH
 Posted: Wed Aug 15, 2007 7:16 pm    Post subject:  

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I just had to say I love you one more time. I created some beautiful boxes for you and your sibling. I hope you like them!

Love,

Mommy
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Tamii

Joined: 09 Aug 2007
Posts: 130
Location: Toledo OH
 Posted: Thu Aug 16, 2007 8:26 am    Post subject:  

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Good morning my peanut!

I wanted to say I love you and I am hoping today is going to be better than yesterday. I miss you more than words can describe!!!!XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Love always,

Mommy
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Tamii

Joined: 09 Aug 2007
Posts: 130
Location: Toledo OH
 Posted: Thu Aug 16, 2007 6:59 pm    Post subject:  

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I would have been 19 weeks today.

Wow, so today was going really well until this evening. Missing you just creeps up on me sometimes. It’s like a wave. I think your daddy is having a harder time than he is telling me. It’s making things difficult, but I know we have enough love to pull us through this tough time.

Grandpa’s wake was today. I know you were giving comfort to all of our family left here on earth. I wish so badly I could have been there, but health comes first and the doctor said no travelling yet.

When I think of you all I can think is how beautiful you were. We have some pictures of you and the people that didn’t see you in person cannot tell how much you radiated from those pictures. It was like you were glowing, at least to me anyway.

They came to get your body from me while I was sleeping and it was just terrible when I woke up and you were not there. I wanted to keep you with me until the minute they released me from the hospital, but I knew the longer I held you, the harder it would be for me to let you go. So I held you close until I was ready to fall asleep and said my good-bye’s. I know that you were no longer in your body, but it was like if I could hold on to your body a little longer, it would be that much more time before I had to start grieving you as a lost child.

I think the reason I feel so crazy is because I am so happy and so sad at the same time. I am so happy that God gave me the little bit of time that I had with you and that I was able to hold you and kiss you. I know not everyone is given that opportunity (I wasn’t with your sibling) and it meant so much to me. But the same things make me so sad. That I didn’t get to hold you and kiss you longer. That I had to give you back to God when I had just met you face to face.

It is a confusing time right now, but I have faith that I will get through it somehow. I try to make it a point to be grateful for something special every day. Usually that something is your beautiful sister. Losing two children makes me realize what a miracle it is that we had her. When I was pregnant with her I never really realized that carrying a child through to birth and having them survive was could be such a difficult task. I was so naieve and so young. I hope that some day I will be able to hold on to another child so she can have a playmate.

You’re daddy wanted to teach you baseball, but he’ll just have to wait awhile. I am sure you can play together some day.

I love you beautiful boy and so does all of your family, you never forget that.

Mommy
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Tamii

Joined: 09 Aug 2007
Posts: 130
Location: Toledo OH
 Posted: Fri Aug 17, 2007 8:07 pm    Post subject:  

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My dearest Wesley,

I know it might sound crazy, but I bring your blanket with me whenever we go somewhere as a family. I know it’s not you, but it comforts me to feel like I have a part of you with us. We went to the Maumee fair to day and your big sister had a blast – she played on one of the jumping things for a long time. There was a woman there who had a daughter the same age as your big sister and she was so pregnant she looked like she was ready to go any minute. It’s so hard to go out in the real world, it seems like everywhere I look is another pregnant woman, and a reminder that I am not. I miss having you with me every day. That was part of the reason I love being pregnant so much, especially early. It’s like I have my own little secret. My precious baby that I can share every moment with.

I miss you sooooooo much. I wish there were words that matched the emotions that I feel for missing you, loving you, and wanting to hold you and kiss you again. But there is just nothing that compares to the ache that I feel. If I could hold you again….I would just press your beautiful little face against mine. And give you all sorts of kisses. I miss you more than you will ever know and I can’t wait until the day I can hold you again. Until then, you and your grandpa and uncle mikey can keep you company.

I love you baby. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXXOXOXOOXOX

Mommy
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Guest

 Posted: Sat Aug 18, 2007 9:04 pm    Post subject:  

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Hi my dear baby boy,

I thought today was going well and then I hit a wall – a big huge wall.  Just like that one!

I saw your baby nephew Grant today for the first time since I lost you. I thought it might be hard, but I just thought I would be sad. I had no idea the emotions that I would go through. Anger, jealousy, resentment, and sadness. I held him for a moment, but it was just too much. Too much of a reminder of how much I wanted to be holding you.

I think whenever I see him it will make me think of you, just because you would have been so close in age. Of course I still love him, but I hope the feelings I had today don’t hang around too long. I don’t want him to know that seeing him reminds me of so much pain. Hopefully soon, seeing him will just remind me of my beautiful baby boy, and how lucky I was to have him with me for the short time I did.

Your aunt Nikita told me she looked at your pictures today. I am so glad, I thought it might be too hard for her, she is such an emotional girl when it comes to things like that. Even though your pictures don’t even come close to showing what a beautiful little boy you were, I am sure she will enjoy having the opportunity to see your face.

You are loved by so many people. I am sure you can feel it no matter how far away you might be. I love you so much and miss you more than you can ever imagine.

XOXOXOXOXOXO I love you Wesley,

Mommy
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Tamii

Joined: 09 Aug 2007
Posts: 130
Location: Toledo OH
 Posted: Sat Aug 18, 2007 10:58 pm    Post subject:  

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Good night baby boy. Mama loves you. XXXXXXX
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Tamii

Joined: 09 Aug 2007
Posts: 130
Location: Toledo OH
 Posted: Sun Aug 19, 2007 9:57 pm    Post subject:  

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My peanut Wesley,

Hi baby boy, it has been 12 days since I kissed you good-bye. Today overall was a pretty good day.

We went to church this morning. For daddy it was the first time since he was a little kid, and it was the first time in a couple of years for mommy. We are trying out grandma and grandpa’s church. It was verrrrrrrry different from the Catholic church that I went to when I was little, but I am going to give it a chance because I think God was trying to keep us there.

The very first song they sang was called, I can’t do this, I can’t do this on my own. It talked about not being able to handle things by yourself and having to ask God for help sometimes. And boy have I been needing help lately.

Then the speaker (I am not sure yet if they call them pastor’s or priests or what) spoke about weaknesses. He said that God gives us weaknesses or limitations so that we can use it to “minister” to others. When he spoke about the limitation we may have, all I thought of was my seeming inability to hold on to a baby anymore. Then I thought of this board, and how even through all of our pain, all of the women here are using their pain to help offer advice, counsel, and comfort to other women in the same situation.

The church was a little bit contemporary for my taste, but when the message seemed to be so clear, I feel like maybe we should try a few more weeks before we move on to another church.

I almost started to cry a couple times in church, but other than that I seem to have made it through most of the day without crying (about an hour left to go!) This is the first day since I have had you that I haven’t lost it at some point.

I just think about you constantly, I think everyone is probably getting sick of hearing me talk about you and about how I lost you. I think I feel like if I keep talking about you, other people will not forget about you as quickly. I know to other people, this will pass, and they will move on with their lives. But to me and your daddy, it will never pass, and life will never be the same. I think I feel the need to make people remember.

I think you are trying to help your sister understand. Sometimes she still thinks you are in my tummy still, but most of the time now she says ‘Wesley” when she sees your blanket or pictures, and she points to the sky and says “up, sky!”.

Sometimes mommy forgets that you are not in my tummy anymore too, just for a split second I will rub my stomach, or think about the due date. I think the moment after that split second, when I have to come back down to earth is the hardest thing of all. It’s like every emotion comes rushing back all at once.

I feel so so so selfish most of the time for wanting you to be back on earth with me. I know that God needed you for something greater than I can understand, but sometimes I wish I could have had you just for a week or a day. Just some more time to give you kisses.

I will tell myself what I am trying to teach your sister, we need to have patience. It will come in time. I cannot wait for that time. For the day that my arms no longer ache. Until then, I will love you and think of you always,

Mommy XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

PS Daddy wants me to remind you how much he loves you too!!!
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Tamii

Joined: 09 Aug 2007
Posts: 130
Location: Toledo OH
 Posted: Mon Aug 20, 2007 9:56 am    Post subject:  

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Good morning my son.

I love you and miss you so so much. I think today is going to be a difficult day. I think about you every minute and even more at night. I don’t think I have gone to bed earlier than 2am but for one night since I lost you. I can’t seem to stop running your birth through my head. If only I had held on to you a few weeks longer, maybe there would have been a chance. I pray that you are being well taken care of and that your grandpa is holding you while I cannot. I will see you soon my love.

Love always XOXOXO

Mommy
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Tamii

Joined: 09 Aug 2007
Posts: 130
Location: Toledo OH
 Posted: Mon Aug 20, 2007 10:56 pm    Post subject:  

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Hi baby boy,

Today wasn’t as bad as I expected, but I didn’t leave the house. At least I got out of bed and watched your sister though. I guess that was good enough for today.

I have my dr appt this week and I am hoping, but also very scared, about the visit. I want to know a lot of answers to my questions. I am also hoping she will tell me I can go back to work, cause we need the money! But it is a scary thing since I will have to find a new job. No one will know about what happened, so if I have a “down” day, people will either think I’m nuts, or I will have to tell our story. I’m not sure if I am ready to deal with that yet, but we will see I guess.

I love you love you love you!!!!!! I miss you sooooo much and cannot wait to hold you again. I wish I could kiss your beautiful face and fingers and toes right now.

Good night baby Wesley,

Love – Mommy
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Tamii

Joined: 09 Aug 2007
Posts: 130
Location: Toledo OH
 Posted: Tue Aug 21, 2007 11:33 pm    Post subject:  

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Good night my baby Wesley. Sleep tight. I love you so much. It has been almost two week since I kissed you.

All my love always,

Mommy.
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Tamii

Joined: 09 Aug 2007
Posts: 130
Location: Toledo OH
 Posted: Wed Aug 22, 2007 11:47 am    Post subject:  

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Oh baby boy…

At 2:30 today it will be two weeks since your little heart stopped beating. I am so so sorry that I couldn’t hold on to you just a few weeks more. We would have been 20 weeks today. This was my goal. When I was having all the complications, all I kept thinking was, “If I can make it to 20 weeks everything will be okay. I just need to hold on a few more weeks.” I still don’t think you would have survived if I had delivered you today, but I guess I must have read something about the chances of losing a baby decreasing dramatically at 20 weeks. I don’t know, but either way this day is hard for me. I just keep thinking that if I could have held you inside until today, everything would have been okay.

I cant’ believe it is two weeks. Part of me is thinking that I just had you with me moments ago, and another part is feeling like it has been years since that traumatic delivery. I don’t sleep at night, because if I lay down and have even a moment to think before I fall asleep I just keep playing your delivery and everything that followed over and over in my head. What if that weird dr i saw would have just kept me on the iv like my dr had, what if i had been able to keep down more food and liquid, what if i had gone to the hospital as soon as i thought they were contractions???? There are so many things to think about. I try not to, but they are always there.

It is so hard to not be able to protect your child. I can keep your sister away from the stove, and out of the street, and make sure she is always in the care of people that love her, etc, etc. But I couldn’t even hold you long enough to keep you alive. It makes me feel so helpless.

It is so hard to know, that only an hour before I delivered you, your heart was still pumping as it always had, at 154. You never varied. I was having insanely painful contractions, and you were still happy and perfectly healthy. It was not you, it was me. It was my body that couldn’t keep you. I don’t know if I will ever be able to come to terms with that. No matter how much anyone tells me, or I tell myself, that God wanted you with him, or that it was meant to be this way… if my body had been doing what it was supposed to it would not have happened. I would not have lost you. I was given a perfectly healthy georgous child, and I couldn’t hold on.

I am however, so grateful that I got to meet you. You have changed my life forever. You and your beautiful glowing face. I wish I could kiss you one more time. Maybe I could really make that kiss mean something, and it would calm my pain. No matter how much I said to you that night I said good bye, I don’t think it would ever have been enough. I wish I could have kept you with me, but I couldn’t. I am so sorry Wesley.

Your mommy and daddy miss you so much and await the day when we can hold you again. Until I hope you can feel our love.

Mommy.
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Tamii

Joined: 09 Aug 2007
Posts: 130
Location: Toledo OH
 Posted: Thu Aug 23, 2007 9:47 pm    Post subject:  

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Hi my baby,

Today was a very difficult day, so I don’t think I’ll write much. I just had a lot of tasks that normally would have been simple that seemed so overwhelming.

I miss you every second. Every time I close my eyelids…I just see things I don’t want to see, parts of the labor. I wish I could just see your beautiful face instead. I suppose that will come someday.

Even in the midst of my difficult day, I am so extremely grateful I had you for the time that I did. You were my life-changing angel. I love you so much. And I miss you. I cannot wait to kiss your perfect nose again.

All my love, XOXOXOXOX

Mommy
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Tamii

Joined: 09 Aug 2007
Posts: 130
Location: Toledo OH
 Posted: Fri Aug 24, 2007 10:45 pm    Post subject:  

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Hi baby boy,

It’s mommy again. Today was another hard one. It’s been about 48hrs of blubbering now, so I am praying for some relief sometime soon. It is just so hard when absolutely EVERYTHING reminds me of you. Cold weather (cause you were due in Jan), how my clothes fit, seeing a person I haven’t seen since b/4 you came, etc., etc. I just cannot get over the guilt. I think that is what is making it so hard. I know that I shouldn’t feel guilty and blah blah blah, but how can I not. It was not you, you were perfect and healthy. It was mommy and her body. Mommy’s body could not take care of you. How am I supposed to “move on” from that. I just love you so much, I feel like my body was fighting with my heart. I love you so so much. I just want to hold your face close to mine again. And see your beautiful eyes and your beautiful fingers and toes and that nose you share with you sister. I guess I will just have to kiss your pictures until the day I can see you again.

I LOVE YOU.

Mommy
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Tamii

Joined: 09 Aug 2007
Posts: 130
Location: Toledo OH
 Posted: Sun Aug 26, 2007 1:37 am    Post subject:  

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Baby Wesley,

I went out for your aunt Nichole’s birthday tonight and there was a pg girl and A LOT of baby talk. Which was difficult for me. But…on a positive note…I was able to hold your cousin Grant today without crying like a baby!

I love you and miss you and cannot wait until I can kiss your beautiful face instead of your pictures. Maybe you are playing with Keelan.  If so, I hope you two are having a ball together. Mommy loves you more than words can describe.

Kisses and Hugs until the end of eternity…

Mommy
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Tamii

Joined: 09 Aug 2007
Posts: 130
Location: Toledo OH
 Posted: Mon Aug 27, 2007 1:36 am    Post subject:  

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Good night baby boy. Mommy loves you. Kisses and hugs tonight. Be patient and I will be with you before you know it.

Love Forever,

Mommy
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Tamii

Joined: 09 Aug 2007
Posts: 130
Location: Toledo OH
 Posted: Mon Aug 27, 2007 10:05 pm    Post subject:  

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Wesley,

I love that your sister knows your name and says it every day! It feels more like you really are her brother when she can “talk” about you like she does. I hope you feel the kisses that we blow up to you every day! I miss you so much. Another member of our family had a loss today, so you have even more family coming to join you.

I love you more than words can describe. XOXO

Night baby boy – Love Always

Mommy
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Tamii

Joined: 09 Aug 2007
Posts: 130
Location: Toledo OH
 Posted: Tue Aug 28, 2007 9:44 pm    Post subject:  

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Hi my love!

I miss you so so much.     Today was not too terribly bad, but this evenng has been a little difficult. Tomorrow we would have been 21 weeks and it will have been 3 weeks since I lost you. Right now, it feels like an eternity since I held your perfect little body. The doctor ran some tests for me last week, and I am hoping that will give us some answers either way as to why we lost you two angels. I would really like to have a huge family with bunches of babies!! I can’t believe we have already had three children… it makes me miss you that much more. I am hoping I can find a job soon. Daddy says no more trying until we are back on our feet again financially. I love you and I pray that someday I will be able to hold you again.

All my love always XOXOXOXOXXXXXX
Good night baby boy.

Mommy
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Tamii

Joined: 09 Aug 2007
Posts: 130
Location: Toledo OH
 Posted: Wed Aug 29, 2007 8:58 am    Post subject:  

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Good morning baby boy,

Today has started off crazy already. I just wanted to tell you how much I love you and how much all this craziness the people all around me are dealing with makes me appreciate you and your sister that much more.

Ask God to give me the strength to keep my head on straight today.

All my love,

 Mommy
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Tamii

Joined: 09 Aug 2007
Posts: 130
Location: Toledo OH
 Posted: Thu Aug 30, 2007 10:43 pm    Post subject:  

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Oh Wesley,

Baby boy… I am not sure what’s going on with me. I hardly ever cry anymore, it’s because I am repressing everything. I tend to do that with difficult things in my life. I have always been the strong level-headed one, and nobody else’s problems went away since I lost you, so they are all still looking to me for support and to make them feel better.

I still feel like I am not in the “real world” and having to deal with real world things, because I am not working. And since I am not working, we have no money, so I can’t go out and do the things I normally would. I rarely go anywhere, and when I do, if it’s a public setting, its just traumatic for me. Even if I don’t see or hear about pg women or other babies – the whole experience is just exhausting.

I feel like I just don’t know how to function without you here. I am not pregnant anymore, so I am not the cute pregnant girl. But I can’t be the girl that just had the baby that everyone wants to fawn over. And I can’t go back to the me that I was before I saw your precious little lips.

It makes me mad if you are not brought up in EVERY conversation, because it makes me feel like they are “ignoring” your exsistence. But then on the other hand, I don’t want anyone to talk about it, because it’s just draining to have to act like I am strong and everything is okay. The only person I can be completely honest with is your dad and that’s not fair to him, because he is grieving just like I am.

In short, I don’t know what do to or how to be me without you. I am so numb. My heart is being torn out from my chest and I feel like I am watching it happen, but I can’t scream. I am stuck inbetween a pregnant woman and a mother to a newborn and I can’t go backward or forward. I am not sure how it’s going to work itself out, but in my heart I know it will.

No matter how hard this is or how lost I feel, it is worth every minute of torture just because of being able to kiss your nose and stare into your face. You ARE the most wonderful that ever happened to me. And I will love you for eternity. Good night my precious baby boy. I pray that you are eternally peaceful with your maker. May I only have the joy of joining you some day.

All my love to you,

Mommy
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Tamii

Joined: 09 Aug 2007
Posts: 130
Location: Toledo OH
 Posted: Fri Aug 31, 2007 4:53 pm    Post subject:  

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Wesley,

Mommy is off to a funeral tonight. It sounds kind of weird, but I feel like I will be closer to you. We didn’t get to have a funeral for you, so I kind of feel like I will be able to have my rememberance for you now. I didn’t personally know the woman who passed, it’s your great uncle doug’s mom. Anyway, I hope that you will be there with us and there is another member of the family with you now. Seems like the just keep joining you, you must have been a magnetic kid. I love you and miss you more than is describable.

Kisses and Hugs tonight,

Love,

Mommy
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Tamii

Joined: 09 Aug 2007
Posts: 130
Location: Toledo OH
 Posted: Sat Sep 01, 2007 8:42 pm    Post subject:  

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Baby Boy,

Mommy had a terrible night tonight. But your daddy is a wonderful man who loves his family. We are going to have a family slumber party tonight with your sister. I hope you are with us. We love you more than words and wish desperately you could have been here with us. I cannot wait to hold you again.

All my love always,

Mommy
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Tamii

Joined: 09 Aug 2007
Posts: 130
Location: Toledo OH
 Posted: Sun Sep 02, 2007 9:40 pm    Post subject:  

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Wesley,

Today was a little bit better than yesterday. I think I just may be getting into that difficult period I have been hearing the women talk about. I haven’t tried a counselor yet, but I think I may now. I just miss you so so much. And the guilt is just immeasurable. I can’t get past the overwhelming feeling that I killed you. I just love you so much I can’t bear it. I have found that (most of the time) babies don’t bother me and pregnant women make me only a little jealous, but when I know someone is 18 weeks, the place we were when you died, I can’t handle it. My best friend is 18 weeks today, and I can’t even look at her or talk to her. Not that I would ever want her baby to join you, but it’s so hard to know I was further than her before and now she gets to continue on without me. She gets to feel what 18-40 week are with her baby, and I cannot do it with you. The jealousy is just terrible. I just love you so much, I hate having to go on without you every day. You will always be our son, your sisters brother, and a part of our family. You name will be listed on every family document and your picture included in family albums. We will never ever exclude you just because I couldn’t hold on to you long enough. It was not your fault. You were such a strong baby boy to hold on until the last second. That is a remarkable heart you had. God had blessed you with a strong body. I love you baby. Don’t you ever forget it. I thought I was ready to try and have another baby, but I don’t think I am yet. I just need some more time.

Love and Kisses on your nose and toes,

Mommy.
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Tamii

Joined: 09 Aug 2007
Posts: 130
Location: Toledo OH
 Posted: Mon Sep 03, 2007 10:24 pm    Post subject:  

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Hi my baby boy,

Mommy misses you so much. I certainly don’t want to leave now, but I have found that I am no longer afraid of dying, because it means I get to be with you and your sibling again. Until that day arrives we will just have to pretend to hold eachother. I hope you can feel all the emotion I have for you where ever you might be. I love you so much.

Good night baby boy.

Love,

Mommy
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Tamii

Joined: 09 Aug 2007
Posts: 130
Location: Toledo OH
 Posted: Tue Sep 04, 2007 10:42 pm    Post subject:  

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Hi my son,

Today was overall an okay day. I got a call for an interview so hopefully your daddy and I will be back on track with our bills soon so we can start trying to make you another brother or sister. I also called my dr. and we should get the b/w results back tomorrow. I don’t know whether to hope to see something or not. I really think I hope there is nothing, because if I could have preventing losing you from something in that b/w, I don’t know how I would live with myself.

I think of you constantly. We would be 22 weeks now. What a big boy you would have been. I just wish you could have stayed with your family a little bit longer. I will never be able to have another baby that compares to you. You will always hold a special place in my heart Wesley. You were our first baby boy and Brenna’s first little brother. I have a feeling you and your sister were similar souls. I can’t wait for the day when I can give you another kiss.

You were more beautiful than any person or object I had ever seen in my entire life. You just glowed. I like to think it is because your spirit was hanging around earth for awhile so that I could say good-bye to you and not just to your body.

There is a women that provides support to a lot of people on this board who has a lot of her little babies up there with you. We found out she was hurt badly last week and don’t know if she is okay or not. I am very worried about her, so if you can, please do whatever you can to help her be okay for her family. She is such a support here on earth and we don’t want to lose her.

Good night my georgous boy. Kisses and lots of hugs from your mommy tonight. I miss you extra right now.

All my love going up to you,

Mommy
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Tamii

Joined: 09 Aug 2007
Posts: 130
Location: Toledo OH
 Posted: Wed Sep 05, 2007 9:57 pm    Post subject:  

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Wesley,

I am still so amazed at how the strangest things can make all the pain of losing you come back. I, for some reason, started thinking about Christmas time while I was running errands this morning and it just made me feel all the pain all over again. Like it had just happened. I was supposed to be huge and glowing at Christmas. Wearing all my nice warm pg clothes. And now, it’s just going to feel lonely no matter what we do. Christmas/winter time used to be my favorite time of year, and I hope it can stay that way, but I just don’t see how.

Maybe I will try and use all the pain I feel about those reminders as a time to remember you. Maybe the pain is just a way to keep me from not thinking about you for too long at a time. I am going to try and welcome it from now on. I will think of it as you tapping me on the shoulder and saying “mom, I’m here”. As if I could ever forget my precious baby boy. I love you.

I always want to use a smiley at the end of my letters to you, but there isn’t one that is nearly close enough to displaying the love I feel for you. So just imagine ((((A BIG GIGANTIC SMILEY WITH PUCKERED LIPS AND OUTSTRETCHED ARMS)))) right here!!!

Good night darling,

Mommy
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Cheryl B

Posted: Wed Sep 05, 2007 7:53 am    Post subject: My Angel Baby…Still thinking of you 2 years later  

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Dear Angel,

I write you this letter almost two years to the day that I found out you had passed away. Although time has lessened the pain, it has not made me forget what a special role that you played in my life for the short time that you were a part of it.

You were my first baby and will always hold a special place in my heart. I know that you are in good hands now and look forward to the day in the future when I will be able to finally hold you in my arms. May you continue to look out over us and know just how much your mommy and daddy love you.

Love,

Mommy

 07/09/05
Posted: Tue May 15, 2007 7:11 am    Post subject: Our beautiful daughter Ella  

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Blessing the lives of others;
In beauty and in grace:
Those who saw her knew that God
Had kissed her tiny face.

Our baby left us with a memory.
For all the world to see,
She gave herself so other know
Just how precious life can be.
Ella May Bigger
April 10, 2007

Ella will always be in our hearts, and we will never go a day without thinking of her.
“The Angel wrote down your baby’s birth in the book of life, then wispered as she closed the book..too beautiful for earth.”

Last edited by jenny1765183 on Sun Jun 17, 2007 8:16 pm; edited 1 time in total
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jenny1765183

Joined: 14 May 2007
Posts: 43
Location: Fort Wayne, Indiana
 Posted: Fri May 18, 2007 6:55 pm    Post subject:  

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 Posted: Thu May 24, 2007 9:19 pm    Post subject:  

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Ella,
I miss you so much. there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about when you lived inside of me. I think about the first time that you kicked and every time I knew you were getting so big. I just want to hold you again. You were the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Your mommy and daddy miss you so much. You were our entire world, and you still are. I think about you more than anything else. You changed your daddy and I’s life for the better and we will never be the same. I just wish I could see you one more time. I miss you so much. It hurts so much to see the pictures but at the same time I get to see your beautiful face and your little blonde hair. You had my little nose and your daddy’s lips. You were the greatest gift I was ever given, and even though you are in heaven now I will always be so grateful and never regret making you. Mommy and Daddy love you Ella.

Love Always
and Forever,
Mommy
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jenny1765183

Joined: 14 May 2007
Posts: 43
Location: Fort Wayne, Indiana
 Posted: Sun Jun 17, 2007 8:13 pm    Post subject:  

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Ella,

Hi baby..it’s father’s day today. Your daddy misses you so very much. We went and took you a flower. I just want you to know how much you are loved. He would have been the best daddy in the entire world for you. You will always be his daddy’s little girl. You are his little angel up in heaven and you are always in his heart. We love you Ella and we miss you so much.

Love always
and forever,
Mommy
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jenny1765183

Joined: 14 May 2007
Posts: 43
Location: Fort Wayne, Indiana
 Posted: Thu Jul 12, 2007 12:14 pm    Post subject:  

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Dear Ella,

I love you with all of my heart. I look at your picture every single day. I just want you to know that you will have a little brother or sister, and you will never ever be forgotten. Your siblings will always know about you and how much we love you and miss you. You are so important to us and I just wish that I could go back in time and have you again. Things should have been different. I want you to know that I took so good care for you because you were the most important thing in my life above all others. This new baby will never take place of you. It will be your new brother or sister and they will know all about you. They will know how beautiful you were and how important you were to us. I love you Ella with every thing that I have and I will never go a day without thinking of you for the rest of my life. Mommy and daddy love you.

Love Always and Forever,
Mommy
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jenny1765183

Joined: 14 May 2007
Posts: 43
Location: Fort Wayne, Indiana
 Posted: Thu Aug 02, 2007 7:10 pm    Post subject:  

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Baby Ella,

Hi hunny, I keep thinking about you and I keep seeing you everywhere. Everywhere I go lately I keep hearing and seeing things. I keep hearing a mom call to her little daughter named Ella to. I keep seeing your name everywhere too. On a little cup even. I miss you so much. Everything in my life reminds me of you. This new pregnancy I can’t stop thinking about you. I got my first ultrasound and all I kept thinking about was when your daddy and I went to see you for the first time and how excited we were to see our very first ultrasound ever. You just kept squirming around and you were so energetic for how little you were. Ella I miss you so much, you were my little girl. I just can’t believe you aren’t here. I love you Ella <3

Love Always and Forever,
Mommy
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jenny1765183

Joined: 14 May 2007
Posts: 43
Location: Fort Wayne, Indiana
 Posted: Tue Sep 04, 2007 8:00 pm    Post subject:  

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Ella<3

I just want to tell you I love you today. I have been thinking alot about you. I think of you every single time I think about the new baby. Daddy and I are going to tell all of your brother’s and sister’s about you. We just got a special book with your name in it to read to your new brother or sister. I miss you so much Ella..I wish things could be different. I just want you to know that I am ALWAYS thinking of you and I love you. You are our little girl.

Love Always
and Forever,
Mommy
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Posted: Mon Dec 25, 2006 2:55 am    Post subject: Emery & Addison  

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Merry Christmas My Darling Girls,

I think of you every day my sweet ones, and I miss you so much. Today is already hard for me and it’s not even Christmas morning yet. But, it’s easier knowing that you’re spending Christmas with the Lord today and I can’t think of any place better to be than in His arms. I love you so so so much my sweet babies!

Merry Christmas Beloved Angels,
-blows kisses to Heaven-
Mommy
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Jessica-E&A-

Joined: 06 Dec 2006
Posts: 141
Location:
 Posted: Sun Dec 31, 2006 3:16 am    Post subject:  

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My Darling Girls,

It’s hard to believe almost a month has come and gone since you were called home to Heaven. I went today and had your little footprints tattooed on my ankle along with your names. It’s beautiful and a part of you that I will have with me always. I miss you my sweet ones. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of you and miss you so much it hurts. Another little angel came up to heaven today my sweet ones. My friend Michelle’s grandbaby. Look after him or her my precious ones. Mommy loves you so so so so much.

-blows kisses to Heaven-
Mommy
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Jessica-E&A-

Joined: 06 Dec 2006
Posts: 141
Location:
 Posted: Fri Jan 05, 2007 4:54 am    Post subject:  

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My Sweet Emery & Addison,

You stole my day today sweet ones. Almost every thought was of you. I think it was because I took Meema to the hospital yesterday, and I hadn’t been back there since I lost you both. It was so so hard. I actually saw one of the nurses who took care of me after I lost you. She just gave me a huge hug and told me that she prayed for me every day. Somedays it just seems so unreal. I reach down to rub my belly and then I realize that you’re not with me anymore and it just makes my heart ache. Other days my darling girls I smile when I think of you dancing with the angels in Heaven. I love you so so much my sweet Emmy and Addi!

-blows kisses to Heaven-
Mommy
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Jessica-E&A-

Joined: 06 Dec 2006
Posts: 141
Location:
 Posted: Sun Jan 14, 2007 4:27 am    Post subject:  

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My Precious Angels,

It’s been a long day my sweet girls. I thought about you a lot today and for the first time in a while took out your pictures. Not that I need to look at them, I have every little thing about both of you memorized. I can close my eyes and see both your beautiful perfect little selves. I miss you both so much. Sometimes it just seems like a bad dream, or maybe that’s just my wishful thinking. I love you my sweet ones.

-blows kisses to Heaven-
Mommy
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Jessica-E&A-

Joined: 06 Dec 2006
Posts: 141
Location:
 Posted: Sun Feb 04, 2007 6:14 am    Post subject:  

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My Precious Ones,

Two months have passed since I lost you, though it feels like yesterday. You are still my first thought when I wake and the last thought before I drift off to sleep. And I still sleep with the elephant Meema brought to me at the hospital. I miss you both more than words can express. And I continue to pray that God will help me find some semblance of peace. I love you my sweet Emery and Addison.

-blows kisses to Heaven-
Mommy
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Jessica-E&A-

Joined: 06 Dec 2006
Posts: 141
Location:
 Posted: Fri Feb 16, 2007 3:32 am    Post subject:  

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My Darling Girls,

I wonder what you’re doing right now? Are you listening to the angels sing? Are you snuggled in God’s arms? Or are you being spoiled by Grandma Dorothy and Aunt Sue? I’m praying so hard for God to give me strength and peace, so whisper in His ear for me my angels. Some days I just feel so lost without you. Mommy misses you and loves you both so very very much.

-blows kisses to Heaven-
Mommy
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Jessica-E&A-

Joined: 06 Dec 2006
Posts: 141
Location:
 Posted: Fri Feb 23, 2007 12:23 am    Post subject:  

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Every time I think of you,
Something hurts inside,
Never will I be the same,
Since you, my angels died.

So many questions,
the answers I’d like to know.
Why did my babies leave me?
Why did they have to go?

I’ve prayed and cried, and begged,
for a tiny bit of peace.
And I think I’m finally finding it,
The pain’s beginning to ease.

I’ll never stop loving you,
my precious little ones.
And I can’t wait to see you,
when my time on earth is done.

Thinking of you always
my sweet Emery and Addison.

Mommy loves you so much!
-blows kisses to Heaven-
Mommy
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Jessica-E&A-

Joined: 06 Dec 2006
Posts: 141
Location:
 Posted: Tue Mar 06, 2007 10:52 pm    Post subject:  

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My Darling Girls -

Three months my sweet ones. It’s still so hard to believe sometimes. I’d be getting all the last minute things Mommies run out to get before they get too big to get. I think about that sometimes. What I’d be doing right this minute if I was still pregnant. I miss you both so much and I love you even more.

-blows kisses to Heaven-
Mommy
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Jessica-E&A-

Joined: 06 Dec 2006
Posts: 141
Location:
 Posted: Wed Apr 18, 2007 10:36 pm    Post subject:  

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My Darling Girls,

It’s been over four months since God called you home to Heaven. I’m a mess right now. Your due date was the 29th of this month, but twins never go to term. So I know that you’d be here, that I’d be holding you, kissing you, smelling your sweet baby smell, and instead I’m still sleeping with the elephant Meema brought me at the hospital. I miss you babies. I miss you so so so much. Somedays I just get lost in how much I wish you were here with me. I love you my sweet Emery and Addison. I heard this song the other day and it suits how I feel right now. I love you my sweet girls.
-blows kisses to Heaven-
-Mommy

Homesick by MercyMe

You’re in a better place, I’ve heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I’ve rejoiced for you
But the reason why I’m broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home’s where my heart is then I’m out of place
Lord, won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
I’ve never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don’t understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I’ll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I’m still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home’s where my heart is then I’m out of place
Lord, won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
I’ve never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I’ll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home’s where my heart is then I’m out of place
Lord, won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow

I’ve never been more homesick than now
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Jessica-E&A-

Joined: 06 Dec 2006
Posts: 141
Location:
 Posted: Sun May 13, 2007 12:05 am    Post subject:  

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My Darling Girls,

Five months. How can five months have come and gone when somedays it still feels like yesterday when you left me. I don’t know my darling babies, I don’t know if it’s getting any easier. It’s funny, Ms. Z, one of the nurses I work with wished me a Happy Mother’s Day before I left work yesterday. I almost didn’t make it to the car before I broke down and cried. I love you both so so so much and I miss you even more. There are days when I just wish so much that you were here. You’d be almost a month old now. That’s another thing that’s hard for me to think about. The fact that you’d be here. That still hurts so so so much. Okay enough of that. I love Emmy and Addi.

-blows kisses to heaven-
Mommy
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Jessica-E&A-

Joined: 06 Dec 2006
Posts: 141
Location:
 Posted: Tue Sep 04, 2007 12:00 am    Post subject:  

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My Sweet Ones,

It’s been so long since I stopped here to write to you. It’s been nine months my angels. Nine long/short/hard months since you went home to our Father. I love you Emmy and Addi. I can only pray that God is holding you tight in His ever-loving arms until the day I get to hold you in mine. My heart still hurts, but it hurts just a little less with each day, week, and month that passes. I love you both so much and miss you so much more.

-blows kisses to Heaven-
Mommy
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Posted: Sun Jul 22, 2007 1:55 am    Post subject: Keelan…my baby  

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Keelan, I miss you so much, little one. I only had you for eight weeks, but I fell in love with you. I’m sure you’ve heard me and daddy talk about how much we miss you. We found out your heart wasn’t beating this past Monday. My heart broke that day…like it’s never broken before. That day was worse than any other day I’ve ever had…until Wednesday when you left my body for good.

The u/s picture that Daddy and I saw is haunting us now. There are three pictures that I have of you, but they are all in my head. We didn’t get to take home the u/s picture from Monday, but we saw your small body. You were so cute. I’m dying inside knowing that I’ll never get to see you grow any bigger. Gosh, how I miss putting my hand on my tummy and imagining you putting your hand up to mine. Daddy doesn’t touch Mommy’s tummy anymore…it makes him too sad.

You are my heart. I am so sad that you aren’t with me anymore, but I know that you are with God. Tuesday night when Daddy and I were saying goodbye to you, we imagined you as a little grasshopper hopping around asking God a million questions. It made us laugh. Your dad is very hyper, and your Mommy is inquisitive; this mental image just made us laugh so hard. We know that you are in the best hands ever. You are probably having a great time in Heaven. Selfishly, though, I want you here with me. I want to feel you in my tummy. I want to be sick again, and I want to continue watching my tummy grow. I’m very sad none of this is happening.

Keelan, it’s so hard for me to go to sleep at night…all I do is lie in bed and cry as I think of you. It hurts Daddy to see me hurt; Daddy misses you really bad, too. Mommy used to sleep easily and go to bed early, but now it is torture for me to go to bed and just lie awake. I try not to do it anymore. I sit in the recliner that we like so much…and I read blogs about m/c. That’s what happened to you. You didn’t finish developing, so the Lord decided to take you to Heaven earlier. Maybe He thought you were extra special, so He took you home early.

I think you’re really lucky, buddy. Do you remember your Daddy talking to you everyday about Jesus? He was so worried about what he was going to say to you when you finally made it out of Mommy’s tummy. He was desperate for you to know the Lord. But…I guess you already do. In a weird way, that makes us really happy. I’m sure it made God happy to know that that was Daddy’s biggest concern. Your daddy is a wonderful man. Mommy and Daddy love each other very much…but you already know that. You heard us say it a lot…and I hope you know that we love you, too.

I know that I’ll never get over losing you, but I’m hoping the pain gets a little easier to deal with. The Lord has given me a peace, but that doesn’t mean I’m not sad. I’m dying inside…I really am. Sweetheart, I just need you to know that I love you so so so much. I know I seemed a little upset when I first found out about you, but that was only because I was surprised and confused. I was worried about Aunt Manda. She’s been wanting to have a baby, and she can’t. Daddy and I were trying not to have a baby, but we were blessed to have you. I was just shocked. After a few days I really desperately fell in love with you….and still am.

All right, kid, I feel better after getting that out. I’ll write to you again later. Have fun with God.

Love forever,

Mommy
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hollydoodle00

Joined: 19 Jul 2007
Posts: 153
Location: Birmingham, AL
 Posted: Mon Jul 23, 2007 11:04 pm    Post subject: 1 week ago  

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Hi Love. It’s been a week since I found out your little heart wasn’t beating. That was the day I wanted mine to stop as well, but God had other plans. I’m still so sad that you aren’t here with me. I was in the shower a while ago, and it just hit me that you were gone and never coming back. The pain is just constantly there.

I went back to work today, and that was difficult. I don’t really concentrate very well right now. All I want is to rub my tummy and you be there. I went outside tonight to clean up a mess that Daddy made.  It was nice because the crickets were singing. Crickets and grasshoppers always remind me of you. It’s hard to listen to them sometimes, though. I either smile or I cry…tonight I smiled while I was outside, but I was crying in the shower. While I was in the shower I was thinking “I don’t want the crickets to be your voice…I want you to cry. I want to hear your human laugh.” I just want you to be here with me.

I know God’s watching out for me and Daddy, though. We’ve been praying like crazy. On the way to church yesterday, we passed my old pediatrician’s office…and at that moment I felt like the Lord was telling me that one day we’d have a child. Then when we got to church…the verses they started with were when the Lord told Abraham and Sarah that they were going to have a child in a year. I just sat there crying…because we won’t have you in a year, but at the same time…we might be blessed with a little brother or sister for you. Could you ask God that?

Keelan, you are always on my mind. I love you. Your daddy loves you. We both miss you like crazy, but we know you are in good hands. I know one day it’ll get a little easier…but that doesn’t mean we’ve forgotten about you or love you any less. I think I love you more and more everyday.

Love Forever,
Mommy
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hollydoodle00

Joined: 19 Jul 2007
Posts: 153
Location: Birmingham, AL
 Posted: Wed Jul 25, 2007 11:07 pm    Post subject:  

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Well, Keelan, tonight marks one week since I had you with me. Exactly one week ago, you left my body…never to return. The only peace about that is knowing that your little soul was already in Heaven with our Father…the best Father you could ever ask for. I miss you, though. I miss every minute that you aren’t here with me.

Little one, I want you to know that Daddy and I love you so much. Words will never come close to how we feel about you. Sometimes that scares me because I wonder if I’ll ever be able to love another. I’m sure the Lord will open my heart a little wider and show me how.

I hope your having fun with God and hopping around asking Him tons of questions…ask him goofy ones, too! (I’m sure you will…after all, you know who your daddy is!) I love you, my little grasshopper. Enjoy your time with God!

With all of my heart,
Mommy?
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hollydoodle00

Joined: 19 Jul 2007
Posts: 153
Location: Birmingham, AL
 Posted: Fri Jul 27, 2007 8:56 pm    Post subject:  

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Hey Buddy….I miss you so much. Mommy has thought about you non stop today. I thought I was getting better and more “okay” with you not being here with me, but I feel like it’s just getting more difficult.

Mommy and Daddy tried to go on a date tonight, but Mommy made him upset….and then I couldn’t stop crying. Everything leads back to me missing you so much. I hate that you aren’t here with me. I’ve never felt more alone or more empty. I know that God is watching over both you and me….but I want you with me. I want to know you are safe in my tummy…and I can just touch you.

I am so sad knowing that I will never hold you, feel your breath, or see you smile. Oh how I need your little smile right now. It would mean so much to me. I wish I could hold you and watch you sleep. Keelan, I’ve never missed anyone like I miss you. I’ve never loved anyone like I love you. I’m so so sad.

Mommy loves you so much.
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hollydoodle00

Joined: 19 Jul 2007
Posts: 153
Location: Birmingham, AL
 Posted: Thu Aug 02, 2007 7:50 pm    Post subject:  

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Hi Buddy…Mommy’s doing a little better. I’m still so incredibly sad, but I’m not crying everyday. I went to the doctor yesterday for my check up. Wow, yesterday was two weeks since you left my body. It was painful being in all of the same rooms again, but I’m praying it’ll get easier. The doctor was pleased with mommy’s progress. Her body is healing…but honestly, I wish it wasn’t. I feel that I need some kind of scars to remind me that you were there. I know it will be good, though, when the Lord blesses us with another baby.

I hope you are having fun with God. Daddy and I still think about all of the things you are probably asking him. Oh, yeah, Daddy is going to get a tatoo of a grasshopper. (You know what that means….  ) He’s excited about it…me too. I’m looking forward to having something like that to look at and remind me of you.

A grasshopper made its way into our house yesterday…and all I could do was laugh. I felt like it was God’s way of saying everything’s okay. I needed it. Baby boy, I miss you more than I can ever say. I wish more than anything you were in mommy’s tummy right now. One day, though, one day…I’ll get to hold you in heaven. Our Father will be so proud.

Keelan…I have so many questions to ask…but my time will come. Sprinkle some baby dust on me and daddy so we can try to have another little one soon. We’ll be sure to tell him/her ALL about you. We love you so so so much.

Forever in my heart,
Mommy?
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hollydoodle00

Joined: 19 Jul 2007
Posts: 153
Location: Birmingham, AL
 Posted: Sun Aug 19, 2007 9:29 pm    Post subject:  

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Hey Keelan…well, yesterday was the big one month anniversary of you leaving my body. It wasn’t as hard as I thought it was going to be. That doesn’t mean that I didn’t think about you A LOT. I was in Savannah with my Ocean City friends…and they asked me lots of questions about you. I didn’t tell them what the date was, though. It was nice that others wanted to talk about you. It really felt like they loved you, too…and missed you. It was very sweet and special.

I miss you, buddy. I miss you so much. Daddy misses you a lot, too. He just recently started dealing with the loss. It’s been a hard few weeks. He’s getting better, though. We were praying tonight at the Mexican restaurant…and Daddy said “God, thank you for my wife, and thank you for Keelan…he still means the world to us.” So, even though you’re gone…we still thank God for you daily.

I love you so much little one!
Mommy

God…please take care of our son. We love him and miss him.
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hollydoodle00

Joined: 19 Jul 2007
Posts: 153
Location: Birmingham, AL
 Posted: Sun Sep 02, 2007 12:21 am    Post subject:  

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Keelan, Mommy and Daddy miss you so much. Mommy is beginning to have a very difficult time again. I’m so sad that you are gone. Last night was the 4th night in a row that I’ve cried myself to sleep. I haven’t done that in a while. I lost control last night and just sobbed. Baby I miss you more than anything in the whole world. I want to hold you in my arms. I want to kiss your sweet face. I want to hold your little hand.

Keelan, it’s hard to breathe now. There are times when it feels like there is a knife ripping through my heart…but it isn’t physical, it’s emotional which is so much worse. I am just so sad that you aren’t in my tummy anymore. We would be finding out this week if you really are a boy or a girl. Instead, we are TTC a sibling for you. It’s not fair. I’m so frustrated, little one. I’m not frustrated with you…just the situation that I find myself in. Daddy and I love you so much, and we just want to hold you…selfishly. I know that you are in Heaven with God, but the selfish part of me wants you here with me.

I pray that we’ll soon have another little baby we can shower our love one…but I promise, we will never forget you. We can’t. You are our first (and only) baby. I miss you so my love.

I will love you forever,
Your Sad Mommy
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Holly

***My angel, Keelan, is a little grasshopper in heaven now. He left July 18, 2007.
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Amy Q

Posted: Thu Aug 30, 2007 5:50 pm    Post subject: Thinking of you baby angels  

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I love you, and think of you often. Some day we will all meet again.
XXOO
Mommy

Posted: Fri Jan 19, 2007 6:47 pm    Post subject: My sweet angel…  

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Oh baby, I miss you so much. There isn’t a minute that goes by of each that I don’t think of you.

The day I found out I was pregnant with you, I praised God that it had finally happened. I waited so long for you. I was so nervous about being a good Mom and providing a good home for you. I wanted to shout to the mountain tops that my dream had finally come true. I wanted to do everything I could to have a good pregnancy and have you be healthy.

The day I started bleeding, I thought I had lost you. But when I went to the doctor and saw you on the screen with your strong heartbeat, I was so encouraged. I prayed so hard that everything would turn out alright. And I thought everything was until 5 weeks later. You left me too soon, my angel. I never thought I could love someone so much. I eagerly awaited the day when I would feel you move inside me. I wanted you so badly. January 8th was the worst day of my life. I wanted to die right along with you. It absolutely broke my heart to lose you. I will always remember you and also remember the way you made me feel those brief moments we had together. I long for the day I hold you in heaven.

I love you angel!

Love,
Mommy
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Guest

 Posted: Mon Jan 22, 2007 3:45 pm    Post subject:  

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It has been 2 weeks today since I found out you left me to be with Jesus. I think about you every moment of every day. I miss you terribly.

Your name came to me on the way home from work today – Leah Rose. I don’t know where that came from because I hadn’t been considering either of them. I think it came from Jesus. I needed a name to go with your beautiful face.

I read a book called Mommy Please Don’t Cry and of course I did. It reassured me that you are heaven with Jesus and having a wonderful time. I can’t wait to see you and hold you my sweet angel.

I love you so much!

Love,
Mommy
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Guest

 Posted: Thu Jan 25, 2007 4:17 pm    Post subject:  

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It has been 2 weeks since left my belly. I miss you so much and think about you every day. I got a bracelet today to remind me of you and I will wear it everyday. I will never forget you sweetie!

Love you forever,
Mommy
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Guest

 Posted: Mon Jan 29, 2007 6:05 pm    Post subject:  

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It has been 3 weeks since I found out I lost you. You live in my heart. I love you so much sweetie!!

Always and Forever,
Mommy
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Guest

 Posted: Thu Feb 01, 2007 3:51 pm    Post subject:  

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Three weeks have gone by without you with me. Tomorrow you would have been getting so big! 16 weeks! I would know soon if you were a boy or a girl but in my heart I believe you were a girl. My precious Leah Rose. It is so hard to imagine what I would be feeling right now if you had stayed. I think you would have been almost 5 inches by now. I would have really been able to tell things about you from ultrasounds.

You filled me with such joy for those few brief weeks we had together. That feeling will last a lifetime and it is something I will always remember.

I am praying we will have a miracle soon.

I love you so much Leah!

Always yours,
Mommy
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Guest

 Posted: Fri Feb 02, 2007 7:07 pm    Post subject:  

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I have had a very rough day today. I would have been 4 months pregnant with you today. I just keep thinking about how much you would have grown and how much you would be kicking me! I would give anything to have you back. To feel you moving inside me would’ve been my greatest joy.

I miss you so much sweetie. Jesus will hold you tight until I see you again.

Love you angel,
Mommy
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Guest

 Posted: Wed Feb 07, 2007 5:56 am    Post subject:  

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Tomorrow will be a month since I found out you left me. At times it seems like yesterday and other times it seems like a lifetime ago. Please know that I will always remember you and the way you made me feel. I am so proud to be your mom.

I love you Leah!

Love,
Mommy
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Guest

 Posted: Fri Feb 09, 2007 6:19 am    Post subject:  

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You would have been 17 weeks today. You would’ve been so big and probably kicking up a storm by now. I miss you everyday. My heart feels like it is going to break sometimes but then I pray and God gives me strength to go on. I love you so much.

Love,
Mommy
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twinangels

Joined: 02 Feb 2007
Posts: 21
Location: Ft.Stewart Georgia
 Posted: Mon Feb 12, 2007 3:07 pm    Post subject: Missing You  

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I still can’t believe you two are gone. It has only been four days since you both was send to heaven. We miss you so much, I think about you all the time. I’m proud to be your mom, I just want both of you to know that “You maybe gone from us but you will never be forgotten”. Missing you Always.

Love your Mommy?
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Guest

 Posted: Thu Feb 15, 2007 4:56 pm    Post subject:  

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It has been 5 weeks today since you left me. I still ache for you everyday. I miss you terribly. You are my sweet little angel and you will live in my heart forever.

Love,
Mommy
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Guest

 Posted: Sun Feb 18, 2007 3:38 pm    Post subject:  

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Sometimes, I really don’t know how I can go on. Everyone else seems to have forgotten you ever even existed. But I will never forget. I have never been so happy in my entire life like I was when you were with me. Who could even imagine you could love someone so much that you have never even met?? I was already so protective of you. I keep wondering and thinking of everything I did while I was pregnant with you to see if I did something wrong. I heard so many things were bad for me so I tried to avoid them all but I still feel like I did something wrong. I keep running “If only I had…” through my head. I miss you more than words can express. I think about you every second of every day. Each time I feel like I am getting happy or getting ready to laugh over something, the thought of you comes into my head and I just get sad all over again. I am praying for a miracle soon. I want to have a baby so bad but no one will ever replace you. You will live in my heart forever.

I love you so much!

Always,
Mommy
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Guest

 Posted: Mon Feb 19, 2007 4:27 pm    Post subject:  

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6 weeks have passed since I found out I lost you. Today, it feels like it has been an eternity since you left. Everytime I look at myself in the mirror, I realize I am empty…my sweet angel is not in my belly anymore. You would’ve been so big by now. Instead, I am empty with nothing but memories of you. I just have to take it a day at a time. I try not to look to far into the future because I get so overwhelmed. This experience has definitely brought me closer to God. I pray daily and cast all my burdens on Jesus. Without God, I wouldn’t have gotten through. My only consolation is that I will see you in heaven. I long to hold you in my arms. Until then my sweet Leah, my love is always with you.

Forever yours,
Mommy
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Deana79
An Angel to this Board with 500 Posts

Joined: 19 Feb 2007
Posts: 1090
Location:
 Posted: Wed Feb 21, 2007 6:35 pm    Post subject:  

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Well honey I finally have a name on here. I figured I am going to be around here a while so I may as well have a name! 

It has been 11 weeks today since you died in my belly. I miss you so much and think about you constantly. My pain is getting a little better. There are so many women on line and in person that have helped me. I just wish the bleeding would stop. It is just a constant reminder that you aren’t with me anymore. I pray every night for God to give me strength and help me to accept my loss. He has given me this strength to get through each day and I always feel his presence next to me. I will miss you forever and I love you so much more than words could ever say. Until we meet again…

All my love,
Mommy
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angelsmommy

Joined: 21 Feb 2007
Posts: 41
Location:
 Posted: Thu Feb 22, 2007 10:04 pm    Post subject:  

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To my Angel,
I want you to know how much mommy and daddy love you. I’m not sure why we couldn’t keep you but I know God has plans for you in Heaven. One day we will be there to meet you. Until then all I have is to dream of you. I swear sometimes I can feel you in my arms. I’m not afraid to die anymore because I know that will be the day that I can see you for the first time. It has been 3 weeks since we lost you andit feels like I’ll never be able to be happy again.  Please don’t think that a smile here and there means that I have gotten over you because iti doesn’t. We will never forget you precious.
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Deana79
An Angel to this Board with 500 Posts

Joined: 19 Feb 2007
Posts: 1090
Location:
 Posted: Sat Feb 24, 2007 10:47 am    Post subject:  

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Hey Leah!

I called the doctor the other day about the bleeding I am having and they told me I needed to take a pregnancy test just to make sure I wasn’t pregnant again. All of those feelings rushed back from the last time I took a test and found out about you. But with the pain I am feeling on my right side, I am glad the test came back negative. All I could think of was a tubal pregnancy. I hope we can get pregnant soon. I miss you so much that I feel the only way I can ever be happy again is when I get pregnant. We waited so long for you so I pray to God that we don’t have to wait that long again for our next baby. Please tell Jesus that we desperately want a baby and to please bless us with one soon. I miss you and love you very much!!

Always,
Mommy

Last edited by Deana79 on Sat May 26, 2007 9:22 am; edited 1 time in total
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Deana79
An Angel to this Board with 500 Posts

Joined: 19 Feb 2007
Posts: 1090
Location:
 Posted: Tue Feb 27, 2007 11:03 am    Post subject:  

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Thinking of you today…

This week, I would’ve been halfway there…20 weeks! Gosh, how big you would’ve been. I miss the feel of you in my tummy. I never thought I would say this but I actually miss the morning sickness too. At least then, I knew you were with me.

I love you so much sweetie!!

Always and Forever,
Mommy
_________________
 (Leah Rose – 12w6d – 01/07)
 

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/Deana
Last edited by Deana79 on Sat May 12, 2007 11:38 am; edited 1 time in total
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Deana79
An Angel to this Board with 500 Posts

Joined: 19 Feb 2007
Posts: 1090
Location:
 Posted: Wed Feb 28, 2007 4:05 pm    Post subject:  

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My heart aches for you today…
I am pretty sure it was 12 weeks ago today that you died. Mommy didn’t want to let you go. I think that is why my body held onto you for another 5 weeks after you went to heaven. I hope that will be a good sign for future pregnancies, that my body is good at holding onto little beans!

You are forever missed my sweet, sweet angel!

I love you more than life!

All my love,
Mommy
_________________
 (Leah Rose – 12w6d – 01/07)
 

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/Deana
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Deana79
An Angel to this Board with 500 Posts

Joined: 19 Feb 2007
Posts: 1090
Location:
 Posted: Thu Mar 01, 2007 8:30 pm    Post subject:  

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I dread tomorrow so much. I try not to dwell on the fact that I lost you, I try to rejoice in the time we had together. But tomorrow, I would’ve been 20 weeks pregnant with you. It is absolutely amazing how much you impacted my life in the very short time we had together. I now have a much deeper faith in God. It is amazing how much I feel His presence in my life every single day. I know He is with me and He knows my deepest desires. He knows I long to have a child. And I KNOW He will give me a baby one day. I believe that. I have faith in that. That is what gets me through every day and helps me not give up hope. I know God is with me.

I will miss you and love you today, tomorrow, and forever.

All my love for eternity,
Mommy
_________________
 (Leah Rose – 12w6d – 01/07)
 

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/Deana
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Deana79
An Angel to this Board with 500 Posts

Joined: 19 Feb 2007
Posts: 1090
Location:
 Posted: Mon Mar 05, 2007 6:55 pm    Post subject:  

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Hey there sweet pea!

I am feeling good today, emotionally. I talk to you often and tell you how much I love you a thousand times a day, I hope you can hear me! I can finally talk about you without crying. I eagerly await the day I see you in heaven – you run up to me and I throw my arms around you and kiss you and hold you so tight that you beg to be put down. You have filled my heart with such love that I feel that I am bursting sometimes. I have never loved someone as much as I love you, my darling Leah Rose.

All my love,
Mommy
_________________
 (Leah Rose – 12w6d – 01/07)
 

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/Deana
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Deana79
An Angel to this Board with 500 Posts

Joined: 19 Feb 2007
Posts: 1090
Location:
 Posted: Thu Mar 08, 2007 6:27 pm    Post subject:  

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2 months have gone by without you. Oh, how I long to hold you and feel you in my arms.

I am praying for a miracle soon! Please say a prayer for us sweetie. We want a child more than words could ever say.

I love you and miss you every day!

All my love,
Mommy
_________________
 (Leah Rose – 12w6d – 01/07)
 

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/Deana
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Deana79
An Angel to this Board with 500 Posts

Joined: 19 Feb 2007
Posts: 1090
Location:
 Posted: Sun Mar 11, 2007 7:22 am    Post subject:  

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2 months have gone by since you left my body…GOSH this milestones are killing me!!! I wish I could stop thinking “Well today I would’ve been 20 weeks, or tomorrow it has been 2 months”. I don’t want to forget you but I want to remember the good things and not dwell on the days and months since you have left. I am praying that God will help me through these days and the pain will ease up.

I miss you and love you deeply.

Love always,
Mommy
_________________
 (Leah Rose – 12w6d – 01/07)
 

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/Deana
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Deana79
An Angel to this Board with 500 Posts

Joined: 19 Feb 2007
Posts: 1090
Location:
 Posted: Wed Mar 14, 2007 12:12 pm    Post subject:  

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Hey sweetie,

I showed your aunt the ultrasound of you the other day. Zoomed in, and looking at it just right, you can see your little nose, eyes, and mouth. She could see it to which made me think I am not crazy!

I went online and saw that you would’ve been almost a foot long by now. Why do I torture myself?? I just can’t stop thinking about you. I had so many dreams for you…

Until we meet again, stay snuggled in God’s arms.

Always yours,
Mommy
_________________
 (Leah Rose – 12w6d – 01/07)
 

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/Deana
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Deana79
An Angel to this Board with 500 Posts

Joined: 19 Feb 2007
Posts: 1090
Location:
 Posted: Fri Mar 16, 2007 5:24 pm    Post subject:  

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Thinking of you today…you are consuming my thoughts!!

I would’ve been 22 weeks pregnant with you today. The first thing I thought about when I found out I was pregnant with you was wanting to feel your first kicks. I bet I would’ve been feeling them right now.

It is so hard to put into words the love I have for you. I just feel so robbed. I don’t know why God had to take you away from me, but I am learning to accept it. I have to trust in Him and know that everything will turn out alright.

You would’ve been the most loved and spoiled baby on this earth. I just feel so lonely without you.

We have A LOT of people praying for us. I have faith that we will have a miracle soon.

I love you Leah!

Lots of hugs and kisses,
Mommy
_________________
 (Leah Rose – 12w6d – 01/07)
 

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/Deana
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Deana79
An Angel to this Board with 500 Posts

Joined: 19 Feb 2007
Posts: 1090
Location:
 Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2007 7:44 pm    Post subject:  

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10 weeks have past without you in my belly. The pain still feels so fresh.

I miss you and love you more than words could ever say.

All my love,
Mommy
_________________
 (Leah Rose – 12w6d – 01/07)
 

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/Deana
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Deana79
An Angel to this Board with 500 Posts

Joined: 19 Feb 2007
Posts: 1090
Location:
 Posted: Fri Mar 30, 2007 4:17 pm    Post subject:  

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Hey baby!

I am just down in the dumps today. Knowing that today I would’ve been 6 months pregnant with you…it is breaking my heart.  And of course I had to hear about babies all day at work today. It just really didn’t sit well with me. I felt physically ill and I am so glad I am home now so I can just be by myself. I just miss you so terribly bad that I just want to throw up sometimes. On these days, I just feel like I take 20 steps back when I have been doing relatively well. I guess I am allowed to have these days though. I just feel so grumpy and feel like I am being mean to everyone…even your daddy. Oh well, I guess I am having a pity party today. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

I love you so much!!!
Mommy
_________________
 (Leah Rose – 12w6d – 01/07)
 

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/Deana
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Deana79
An Angel to this Board with 500 Posts

Joined: 19 Feb 2007
Posts: 1090
Location:
 Posted: Sat Mar 31, 2007 10:29 am    Post subject:  

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You are weighing so heavily on my mind again today. I just feel so overwhelmed and I feel like I am going crazy. I have been doing pretty good but I just feel so depressed here lately. I feel like I am treating your daddy really awful. I seem to be avoiding everyone around me. And I feel like there is no one I can talk to because they all think I should be over it. Well, I am not over it and I am not okay with it…and I don’t think I ever will be. You were supposed to be mine ~ healthy and strong. You weren’t suppose to leave me so early. It is just so unfair. I have never wanted anything so bad in my entire life than to have a precious little baby to call my own. It is so not fair to get my hopes up so high after waiting so long for you and then in an instant, you were gone. Why? Why did God have to take you away from me? Ugh, and I know it is just going to get worse the closer I get to your due date.

God, please be with me and give me strength.

I love you baby girl!
Mommy
_________________
 (Leah Rose – 12w6d – 01/07)
 

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/Deana
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C&RMommy
An Angel who Heals with 2500 Posts

Joined: 16 Sep 2005
Posts: 3604
Location: deactivated by user request
 Posted: Sat Mar 31, 2007 2:21 pm    Post subject:  

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I’m so sorry for your loss.

Hugs,
Sabrina
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Deana79
An Angel to this Board with 500 Posts

Joined: 19 Feb 2007
Posts: 1090
Location:
 Posted: Mon Apr 09, 2007 7:12 pm    Post subject:  

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Hey baby girl!

Thinking of you!  I miss you terribly every day. I hope my heart heals soon…it is a horrible feeling having to go on without you. I feel so empty but I know you are in a better place.

I will love you every day of my life!! And I can’t wait to see you in heaven.

You have my love always and forever,
Mommy
_________________
 (Leah Rose – 12w6d – 01/07)
 

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/Deana
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Deana79
An Angel to this Board with 500 Posts

Joined: 19 Feb 2007
Posts: 1090
Location:
 Posted: Wed Apr 11, 2007 5:21 pm    Post subject:  

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Hey sweetie pie!

Well, 3 months have passed without you. Whew, what a horrible time I have had these past months. To go from happier than I have ever been in my whole life to having the worst day every imaginable, losing you almost killed me. I still think about you every minute of every day. There isn’t a moment that you aren’t on my mind. And to top it off, I got my period today…GREAT!

I have been feeling somewhat better this past couple days. I know God is with me and He has a plan for me. I just need to learn to trust Him more and be patient. Good things come to those who wait and I waited 10 years for you, and you were the best thing to ever happen to me. Sometimes I think about how my life would be right now if I had never gotten pregnant with you. You made my life so much richer in those brief moments we had together. It is amazing how you can love someone so much that you have never even met. But I do love you more than anything on this earth. I still feel like my heart is going to burst sometimes when I think of you. You will always hold my heart until the day we meet again in heaven.

I love you so much Leah!

All my love,
Mommy
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 (Leah Rose – 12w6d – 01/07)
 

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/Deana
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Deana79
An Angel to this Board with 500 Posts

Joined: 19 Feb 2007
Posts: 1090
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 Posted: Fri Apr 13, 2007 5:42 pm    Post subject:  

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Thank you for your kind post Sabrina! I really appreciate it!

Leah ~ I am thinking of you today…I assume you know that though.  Every time I am outside, I look up to the sky and imagine that you are looking down at me ~ and that makes me smile. I am really, really trying to be happy. There are so many women out there that can’t have kids…I at least know now that I can get pregnant. That is a definite plus and I need to thank God for that every day. I don’t know what I would do knowing that it could never happen. At least I have hope, right? Of course if I had one wish it would be to have you back with me…but who would want to come to earth after being in heaven?? Not me, that is for sure!  We will be reunited one day and that will be the happiest day of my life.

I love you so very much,
Mommy
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Posted: Fri Apr 20, 2007 4:49 pm    Post subject:  

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Hey baby girl!

I have had another tough week…BLAH!! I just feel so alone. I feel like nobody even remembers you and that just irks me to no end. I grieve every day for you no one gets that. I think of you every single minute of every single day. I guess that is the bond that a mother and child share. No one really knew you but me. I wish I could’ve kept you safe inside me until you were healthy enough to be born. I really do feel like a failure sometimes. I just keep wondering if I had done some things differently.

I went to my first baby shower on Tuesday. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Of course the lady we had the baby shower for has already had 10 miscarriages so she really deserved this healthy baby. I couldn’t hold her baby though…I thought that if I did that I might never let her go. She was such a good baby and every time I looked at her, I thought of you. She was a precious little girl and that only made me want to hold you more.

I miss you so much and love you!!

Always and Forever,
Mommy
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 (Leah Rose – 12w6d – 01/07)
 

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/Deana
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Deana79
An Angel to this Board with 500 Posts

Joined: 19 Feb 2007
Posts: 1090
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 Posted: Mon Apr 23, 2007 4:41 pm    Post subject:  

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I love you very much my sweet baby!

Please ask Jesus for a miracle for us soon…

Love you,
Mommy
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 (Leah Rose – 12w6d – 01/07)
 

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Deana79
An Angel to this Board with 500 Posts

Joined: 19 Feb 2007
Posts: 1090
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 Posted: Fri Apr 27, 2007 3:51 pm    Post subject:  

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Hey sweetie!

I just wanted to tell you how much I love you…as if you don’t hear it enough already!

Hugs and kisses,
Mommy
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 (Leah Rose – 12w6d – 01/07)
 

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Guest

 Posted: Wed May 02, 2007 5:35 pm    Post subject:  

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Hey baby girl!

Please say a prayer for us to get through this next week before testing. I am trusting Jesus that this will all turn out great!

I love you so much and miss you every day!

Love you bunches,
Mommy
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Deana79
An Angel to this Board with 500 Posts

Joined: 19 Feb 2007
Posts: 1090
Location:
 Posted: Wed May 02, 2007 5:36 pm    Post subject:  

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The last post was from me! I was wondering where my little ticker was!

Love you baby!
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 (Leah Rose – 12w6d – 01/07)
 

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/Deana
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Deana79
An Angel to this Board with 500 Posts

Joined: 19 Feb 2007
Posts: 1090
Location:
 Posted: Fri May 04, 2007 4:57 pm    Post subject:  

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Hey honey!

Next week is going to be a hard week. I would’ve been 7 months pregnant with you next Friday and ironically that will be 4 months to the day that I had my D&C and you were gone forever. Tuesday the 8th will be 4 months since I found out you had died. Next weekend is Mother’s Day and next week I might get AF, I am praying so hard for a BFP instead though. Whew…I just want to skip next week please. Just please know that you are gone but always remembered and always loved. I miss you every day. Please ask Jesus to take it easy on me next week.

I love you sweetie pie!

Always yours,
Mommy
_________________
 (Leah Rose – 12w6d – 01/07)
 

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/Deana
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Deana79
An Angel to this Board with 500 Posts

Joined: 19 Feb 2007
Posts: 1090
Location:
 Posted: Wed May 09, 2007 2:49 pm    Post subject:  

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Hey baby girl!

Well, some bad news is I got a BFN today so AF is just right around the corner.  I try really hard not to get down but I just get my hopes up so high. Also, next week I would’ve been 30 weeks pregnant…not 28 like my previous post said. So only 10 more weeks and you would’ve been with me. Mother’s Day is coming up here in a few days and I am really dreading it. It would’ve been so nice to have that BFP to celebrate with. But I know that I truly am a mother even though I don’t have you in my arms. I still think of you every day and would give anything to have you back…

I love you so much!!!

Always yours,
Mommy
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 (Leah Rose – 12w6d – 01/07)
 

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Deana79
An Angel to this Board with 500 Posts

Joined: 19 Feb 2007
Posts: 1090
Location:
 Posted: Fri May 11, 2007 2:39 pm    Post subject:  

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Hello sweet baby!

4 months have passed without you…4 long, crueling, horrific months. 30 weeks pregnant I would’ve been today. You still consume my thoughts. I have come so far in 4 months…where I am today, I NEVER thought I would be. I thought I would never recover the day I found out I had lost you. I had never experienced anything that comes even close to that before. I have never had anyone really close to me die before. There is nothing like the death of a child. It will haunt me forever but I know with God’s help I will push through the pain. You hold a special place in my heart that no one can ever take away.

I love you so very much!!

Love,
Mommy
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 (Leah Rose – 12w6d – 01/07)
 

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/Deana
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Deana79
An Angel to this Board with 500 Posts

Joined: 19 Feb 2007
Posts: 1090
Location:
 Posted: Sun May 13, 2007 6:06 am    Post subject:  

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Happy Mommy’s Day to me! I miss you sweetie… Look down on me from heaven today, I love you!

All my love forever,
Mommy
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 (Leah Rose – 12w6d – 01/07)
 

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Deana79
An Angel to this Board with 500 Posts

Joined: 19 Feb 2007
Posts: 1090
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 Posted: Fri May 18, 2007 2:50 pm    Post subject:  

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Hey girly!

Me and your daddy are sad today…we lost a kitty yesterday. It was just horrible. She is buried in our backyard. She was really sick but I know she isn’t suffering anymore. Having a cat for 6 years that dies has brought back feelings of helplessness that I had when I lost you. This “circle of life” is so hard to understand sometimes. I know that life isn’t fair but it still doesn’t make it any easier. During these times, I know I need to rely on God to help me through. I know He is always with me…and I know that you are with Him, so that makes me happy.

I love you very much darling.

Love,
Mommy
_________________
 (Leah Rose – 12w6d – 01/07)
 

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/Deana
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Deana79
An Angel to this Board with 500 Posts

Joined: 19 Feb 2007
Posts: 1090
Location:
 Posted: Fri May 25, 2007 11:00 am    Post subject:  

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Hey honey!

I am a little sad today. I would’ve been 8 months along with you now.  It is just so heartbreaking everytime one of these milestones comes. Just thinking about going through these next couple months when I would’ve been giving birth to you and bringing you home, it feels like I am going to die. But…I know I won’t because God is with me and He will get me through. Sorry sweetie, I am just having another pity party today.

Anway…I love you and miss you more than words could ever express.

All my love,
Mommy
_________________
 (Leah Rose – 12w6d – 01/07)
 

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/Deana
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Deana79
An Angel to this Board with 500 Posts

Joined: 19 Feb 2007
Posts: 1090
Location:
 Posted: Mon Jun 04, 2007 5:50 pm    Post subject:  

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Well sweetie, as another AF approaches, my hope seems to be fading. I need to pray really hard tonight and have faith that it will happen in God’s time. I really need to keep reminding myself of this. Through Christ all things are possible. God says whatever you ask for in the name of my Son, I will do it. I have to keep repeating that over and over and over again in my head. I know it will happen…have faith…trust in the Lord…He will never fail me. Hmmmm…I feel better already!!

I love you bunches!!!

Always and Forever,
Mommy
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 (Leah Rose – 12w6d – 01/07)
 

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/Deana
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Deana79
An Angel to this Board with 500 Posts

Joined: 19 Feb 2007
Posts: 1090
Location:
 Posted: Wed Jun 06, 2007 3:01 pm    Post subject:  

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My precious little girl ~ I dedicate my 500th post to you sweetie. There are so many wonderful women here that have helped me along my way. Without God and this board, I don’t know where I would be today.

It is hard to believe that it was 6 months ago today that your little heart stopped beating. I hung onto you for another 5 weeks though. It is just so amazing to me the love I have in my heart for you. You are so precious to me and you will always have a spot in my heart.

I love you more than life!

Love always,
Mommy
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 (Leah Rose – 12w6d – 01/07)
 

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/Deana
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Deana79
An Angel to this Board with 500 Posts

Joined: 19 Feb 2007
Posts: 1090
Location:
 Posted: Sun Jun 17, 2007 6:24 am    Post subject:  

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Just wanted to say hi sweetie! Thinking of you…
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 (Leah Rose – 12w6d – 01/07)
 

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Deana79
An Angel to this Board with 500 Posts

Joined: 19 Feb 2007
Posts: 1090
Location:
 Posted: Fri Jun 22, 2007 4:34 pm    Post subject:  

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One month from today is when you would’ve been born…  I swear sometimes it feels like I am going to die from a broken heart. By now, the room I am sitting in would’ve been decorated for you. A beautiful crib, clothes hanging in the closet…I can just look around and imagine what it would’ve looked like. But instead, it is just a computer room. No crib, nothing at all for a baby. I am so sad and I know the next month is just going to be torture. I would give anything to have you back…

I love you so much my sweet angel!
Mommy
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 (Leah Rose – 12w6d – 01/07)
 

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/Deana
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Deana79
An Angel to this Board with 500 Posts

Joined: 19 Feb 2007
Posts: 1090
Location:
 Posted: Mon Jul 02, 2007 3:05 pm    Post subject:  

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Hey sweetie!!

It is now 20 days until you would’ve been due. It is just breaking my heart more and more every day. I probably would’ve been out of work by now and home working on getting everything ready for you. I can imagine how big I would’ve been but instead I am empty.  I would’ve spent the next few months all alone with you, every day, catering to your every need. Soon, I would’ve been giving you baths, cuddling with you, feeding you, and showing you off to everyone I met!! You are so loved and missed every day. I just wish I could’ve held you…just once.

I love you more than words could ever say!!

Forever,
Mommy
_________________
 (Leah Rose – 12w6d – 01/07)
 

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/Deana
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Deana79
An Angel to this Board with 500 Posts

Joined: 19 Feb 2007
Posts: 1090
Location:
 Posted: Wed Jul 11, 2007 5:48 pm    Post subject:  

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My sweet angel,

It has been 6 months today since you left me. And it is now 11 until you would’ve born…  That deep sadness in my heart over losing you is creeping back in. I had been doing fairly well, considering, this past few weeks. Now as your EDD grows ever closer, I can’t help but let my mind wonder. Please ask Jesus to give me strength over this next couple weeks. I need Him now more than ever. Leah, I am so sorry I let you down. I love you so much more than I have ever loved another human being in my life!!

All my love for eternity,
Mommy
_________________
 (Leah Rose – 12w6d – 01/07)
 

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/Deana
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Deana79
An Angel to this Board with 500 Posts

Joined: 19 Feb 2007
Posts: 1090
Location:
 Posted: Wed Jul 18, 2007 6:01 pm    Post subject:  

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4 days…  I miss you so much! I would give anything to have you back and hold you just once!!!!  You are forever loved!

Missing and loving you,
Mommy
_________________
 (Leah Rose – 12w6d – 01/07)
 

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/Deana
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Deana79
An Angel to this Board with 500 Posts

Joined: 19 Feb 2007
Posts: 1090
Location:
 Posted: Sat Jul 21, 2007 10:02 am    Post subject:  

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One more day and you would’ve been with me… I pray for comfort and peace with losing you. You will never be forgotten and you will be forever loved.

Your daddy loves you too…  Please pray for us and ask Jesus to let our marriage grow and hopefully welcome a baby into our home soon.

You are forever in my heart,
Mommy
_________________
 (Leah Rose – 12w6d – 01/07)
 

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/Deana
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Deana79
An Angel to this Board with 500 Posts

Joined: 19 Feb 2007
Posts: 1090
Location:
 Posted: Sun Jul 22, 2007 5:20 am    Post subject:  

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My darling angel,

I am up early this morning, on what would have been your birthday…thinking of you…thinking of holding you and kissing your sweet face…thinking of feeling your warm skin next to mine…thinking of your perfect smile…thinking of hearing your cries for the first time…thinking of how good it would feel to have held you, just once. I can only imagine what I would be doing right now, had you lived. Oh, the things I had planned for you!

I asked Jesus last night to give you an extra big hug and kiss from me today…please feel my love coming all the way up to heaven to you today!

You will live in my heart forever. I love you so very much Leah! You are my sunshine through the darkest days!!
Mommy
_________________
 (Leah Rose – 12w6d – 01/07)
 

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/Deana
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Deana79
An Angel to this Board with 500 Posts

Joined: 19 Feb 2007
Posts: 1090
Location:
 Posted: Sat Aug 04, 2007 7:56 am    Post subject:  

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Hey sweetie! Just popping in to say hello! I have been doing a lot better since my last message to you. My spirits are uplifted, I am going to church and my faith is renewed. I know one day I will meet you and that will be the most glorious day!!!!!!

 Miss you and love you always,
Mommy
_________________
 (Leah Rose – 12w6d – 01/07)
 

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/Deana
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Deana79
An Angel to this Board with 500 Posts

Joined: 19 Feb 2007
Posts: 1090
Location:
 Posted: Mon Aug 13, 2007 6:58 pm    Post subject:  

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Hi there sweetie!!!

Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you every day! And I miss you and love you so very much!

All my love,
Mommy
_________________
 (Leah Rose – 12w6d – 01/07)
 

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/Deana
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Deana79
An Angel to this Board with 500 Posts

Joined: 19 Feb 2007
Posts: 1090
Location:
 Posted: Wed Aug 29, 2007 1:34 pm    Post subject:  

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Hi baby girl!!

Tomorrow is my 28th birthday and I so hoped to have you to share it with. Last year when I was praying to God every day to let me have a child, I asked specifically to let me have a baby before I turned 28. To my wonderous surprise, I got pregnant with you and would have given birth to you one month before my 28th birthday. I felt like it was meant to be. It certainly was an answer to prayer. I wish so badly that you were here with me every day for the rest of our lives. Since that can’t happen, you will live in my heart until the day I die. You and I share a bond that no one can ever break. You are the love of my life and I think of you every day. Those brief moments we had together were the happiest times of my life.

I love you sweetie!!  Please look down on me tomorrow as I blow kisses up to you. I miss you more than words could ever express.

      

Love,
Mommy
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Posted: Mon May 14, 2007 10:20 am    Post subject: Timothy and Michelle  

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To my sweet angels:

Michelle (lost April 2006 at three months)
Timothy (lost November 2006 at four and a half months)

I think of you every day and I miss you both so very much. I feel so empty not being able to hold you, or hear your laugh, or feel your softness, or look into your precious eyes. Some say when you die you become stars in the sky. Well your stars glitter and shine so bright. Timothy when you died a part of me died forever. I have been struggling so much especially as recently your dad and I broke up in a bad way. I wish for a time when you would come running into m arms and I could hold you. I will love you always. You both hold my heart in your hands.

love mummy
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Jack

Joined: 10 May 2006
Posts: 83
Location: Nova Scotia, Canada
 Posted: Sun May 27, 2007 2:12 pm    Post subject:  

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I am haunted by your face
that I never got to see.
Bright blue eyes,little tiny dimples,
and a mischievious little smile.
I miss your laughter
that I will never hear.
Full of joy and happiness,
and soothing to the soul.
I dream of what will never be
how handsome you would have grown,
the person you would have become.
Sometimes I see your face.
Sometimes I hear you laugh.
Sometimes I feel you in my arms.
Always you are in my heart.
- I miss you my babies -
love mummy
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Jack

Joined: 10 May 2006
Posts: 83
Location: Nova Scotia, Canada
 Posted: Wed Jun 06, 2007 5:10 pm    Post subject:  

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Mummy is really missing you today…she is finding it so hard to let go of your father. He is so angry and bitter these days and making comments about me not deserving to be a mother. I also heard through the grapevine that he said he wasnt even going to acknowledge you. That hurts but I find it hard to believe. I believe he cared about you. I’m afraid if I let go, it will take away from the memory of you…please look out for your dad…he needs help but can’t see through his anger.

you are in my hearts and thoughts every day.

Mummy
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Jack

Joined: 10 May 2006
Posts: 83
Location: Nova Scotia, Canada
 Posted: Fri Jun 08, 2007 8:35 am    Post subject:  

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MEETING IN HEAVEN

I picture you both in a garden so full
Of roses, lilacs, and pansies
Of marigolds, primroses, daisies and poppies
And oh so more I don’t know.
With emerald grass and a deep azure sky
And the golden sun shining brightly
A tiny bubbling brook runs through
And the trees all wave very gladly.
A robin hops here, a chickadee there
And little flights of colour chase everywhere
A little brown swing hangs down from a tree
One gives a push, then the other does too
Your laughter flows merrily along in tune
As I walk to the gate, I pause and I wonder
How beautiful and peaceful everything is
A smile reaches my eyes, the warmth sooths my soul.
As you run into my arms and my arms sweep you up
I know happily and finally I am home.
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Jack

Joined: 10 May 2006
Posts: 83
Location: Nova Scotia, Canada
 Posted: Sun Jun 10, 2007 6:52 am    Post subject:  

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I have noone else to talk to so here I am back to talk to my angels. I’ve been having troubles sleeping, and when I do sleep the second I wake up everything hits me hard. So many emotions run through my mind. I hate that moment. Sometimes I wish I could turn back time but I guess there’s no guarantee hat I’d be able to make things better. I wish I had a place to go where I could feel like I was near you. I wish I could hold you both just for a second.

love you forever and a day

Mummy
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Jack

Joined: 10 May 2006
Posts: 83
Location: Nova Scotia, Canada
 Posted: Wed Jun 13, 2007 5:14 pm    Post subject:  

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Forever

I wasn’t meant to hold you
I really don’t know why
so sad am I to let you go
for all I do is cry.

I want so much to hold you
to touch your precious face
to kiss your little fingers and toes
noone can ever take your place.

I was so very lucky
to have you in my life
the most precious gift I ever had
losing you cuts me like a knife.

I won’t ever let you go
I won’t ever stop being sad
But I will remember always
how knowing you made me glad.

My sweet and precious babies
I will always be your mother
you were only here a short while
but my love will last forever.

written June 12/07
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Jack

Joined: 10 May 2006
Posts: 83
Location: Nova Scotia, Canada
 Posted: Fri Jun 15, 2007 8:30 am    Post subject:  

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hi my angels

I am so depressed today. This weekend is going to be so hard with it being Fathers Day. this will be the first one without my father.?
And then there’s your dad. He’s always hated this weekend because of his estranged relationship with his other children. Said it always just came and went. He always said he wanted to be the father of my baby because then maybe he’d have the chance to prove that he could be a good dad. I wonder if he will think of you. I wish I could call him. I wish I could connect with him this weekend. But I cant. It hurts so much. I wish things had turned out differently. Maybe if u hadnt died, things would have been. i dont know. I miss u all so much.

love mummy
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 Posted: Sat Jun 16, 2007 7:20 pm    Post subject:  

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i miss my three brothers and sisters. my mum is sad and so am i. but not as munch. people say that i cant hurt but i can. im 11 and ive gone through more then a average teenager  ?
Hannah

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