I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about this topic since I started writing Stella & Dane. This couple has pretty tough beginnings, small town, disapproval, and both of them have a lot of growing up to do.
I know that in this story, they will weather more than the average couple. Two miscarriages. Multiple rounds of failed IVF. Eventually, they will give up on having children. And due to Dane’s terrible past, they won’t ever be able to adopt. I’m sure Stella often wishes a baby would drop from the sky.
By the time we meet them in my book Baby Dust, they are a well established couple, one to be envied in their devotion to each other after all this history. But how did they get this way? What built a relationship like that? It’s been on my mind as I form their love story.
I’m not sure I have the answer. The father of my angel babies and I divorced, and that shared history was lost. He and I were the only people who were really close to those babies and those hopes. It’s a hard thing. We clearly didn’t have what Dane & Stella had. We fell apart.
Recently two of my baby loss mom friends got divorced. In both cases, the men just walked out of the relationship. How does this happen? What causes it?
And more importantly, what creates a relationship that weathers this?
Disappointment in how the father handles the loss is one of the most common sources of upset in the emails and messages that I get. The fathers aren’t sad. They don’t get it. They want the moms to “get over it.” Is this part of what creates the rift? How do we get past that and back into a loving relationship?
I’d love to hear from moms with wonderful supportive partners after a loss.
And if you’d like to see how Stella & Dane develop, I have a mailing list where I share their story as it goes along. Currently they are still young and immature. Stella’s grandmother, the only person she’s ever felt loved her, has just died. And she’s ready to blow out of town, with or without her new man, Dane. But life is about to deal a severe blow, a course of events that their lives will never recover from. If you’d like to follow it, you can sign up and get updates as long as you want, unsubscribe if it doesn’t interest you. Stella & Dane’s list.
I’m about to get remarried. I can hope I’m doing better this time around, and we’ll have to adopt as I’m too high risk for babies anymore. I’m looking for answers too.
My next book is going to be FREE for those who want to read it as I write it. In Baby Dust, you met Stella, who had two first-trimester miscarriages and several rounds of failed IVF. If you’ve read it, you learn Stella and her husband Dane’s devastating secret as to why they can’t adopt.
This new book takes you back to when Stella and Dane meet, and how she stands by him, and gets you all the way through her losses and how she comes to terms with the way her life has gone.
So sign up to read excerpts of the book as I go along. The e-book will be sent to everyone on the email list when it’s done before it goes on sale.
Was YOUR family 100% supportive after your loss? Did you ignore the things they said or did you speak up? I’m guessing you stayed quiet.
I got a chance to talk about how to handle family members on Monica’s lovely blog Honoring Our Angels. She graciously stepped up as I’m doing the promotions for my novel Baby Dust and allowed me to post as a guest.
Monica began her blog in 2008 after her sweet daughter Devon was stillborn. She sees it as a place to put stories about your babies, and she puts together resources for managing life after losing a baby.
She’ll be writing a review of Baby Dust in the next few days. She’s also giving away a copy of Baby Dust! So go over there before Oct. 8 and comment to win it!
My first baby Casey would have been thirteen years old today, and we’re celebrating his would-have-been birthday with give aways of some great books on loss. Since we can’t give Casey the things he would have liked, instead we’re giving things to YOU!
Head on over to the site of Baby Dust, my novel on pregnancy loss that will be released Oct. 1, and comment on any of the titles that you might find helpful. We’ll give away the books on October 1 to kick off Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Month.
We’re also taking this special day to celebrate the completion of the Baby Dust Book Trailer. Women from Ireland, London, Australia, Mexico, and the US talk about their babies, and the women of Illuminate, a photography class for grieving mothers, took the images that are used. (Double click to view it full size.)
I am in the process of making a book trailer for my new novel Baby Dust, which is about a pregnancy loss support group, and I need YOU!
A book trailer is like a movie trailer, and it gives you a feel for the experience of reading the book.
Because Baby Dust is based on the real-life stories of several dozen baby loss moms, I wanted to use the voice of mothers in the book trailer.
(You can read the first chapter of the book HERE!)
We’d LOVE to have you participate. Here is a video explaining the process, and the list of questions are below. (You may need to crank your volume–the video turned out a little quiet! Gah!)
First, decide how you are going to record yourself.
The easiest ways are your cell phone or web cam.
Most modern cameras can also record video. I can pull your voice from the video and discard the images.
Choose a place. Now, listen.
Are there dogs barking? Lawn mowers? A TV? What might get in the background and make your audio unusable? If you hear something, move somewhere else.
Now read over the questions and form the answers in your head.
Question 1: Who are you?
Just a first name. Use this sentence:
My name is ____(Madonna)_______.
Question 2: Where do you live?
Just say the City/State/Province/Country. Whatever works.
Question 3: How many miscarriages have you had?
Just say the number
One. Two. Three. Etc.
Question 4: How far along were you?
If you’ve only had one loss, answer with a single time frame, something like
Six weeks.
Or
Three months.
Or
Full term.
If you’ve had several losses, give a number and a range. Like this:
I’ve lost three babies ranging from four to seven weeks.
I’ve lost two babies ranging from six weeks to five months.
I’ve lost four babies ranging from five weeks to a full-term stillbirth.
I’ve lost three babies ranging from five months to a premature baby who lived sixteen hours.
Question 5: Tell me one thing that really helped you get through your loss. For example:
My friends were what got me through.
Or
My husband was the most amazing strength for me.
Or
I couldn’t have gotten through it without the women I met online.
Or
God. He was the only thing that got me through.
(Make it yours. Keep it to one sentence.)
Question 6: Tell me one thing about this loss you will never forget (good or difficult). For example:
My two-year-old patted my belly before we left for the hospital to say goodbye.
Or
My mother-in-law told me to get over it.
Or
I had to sit in the emergency room for four hours.
Or
I held the baby in my hand, and he was so small.
(Make it yours. Try to keep it to one or two sentences.)
Question 7: Tell me one thing you’d like to see change about loss. For example:
I wish doctors would really listen to us.
I want hospitals to be more compassionate.
There really needs to be more research into late-term stillbirths.
I need for family and friends to let me talk about my baby.
I just want people to understand.
I don’t want to have to hide what happened to me.
(Make it yours. One sentence.)
Time to get me the file.
The easiest way is to record it on your cell phone and then “Share” the file via email to this address:
babydust@pregnancyloss.info
You can also upload it to Facebook or G+ or any social media and send an email with a link to it.
You can also record it with your web cam on your computer and email the file. Or you can use a digital camera and email the file.
To be considered for the book trailer, I have to have your file by Thursday, Aug. 18.
At this site you will find information and a place to come in your dark and frightened hours. The special features of the site are listed in the next column, as well as topics ranging from causes of miscarriage, to prevention, to when to try again for a new pregnancy.
A Reminder:
The only person who can really tell you what is happening to you is your own doctor, who peers into you with a light and a speculum, who samples your blood or urine, or who presses a sonogram paddle into your belly. If you are in trouble, bleeding, scared, or more depressed than you think you can handle on your own, you must find help. Read and research all you can, but remember that the one-on-one assistance of a real doctor is the only thing that will give you answers that count. If you don't like or trust your doctor, then find one you can.
Empty
Cradle, Broken Heart
