I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about this topic since I started writing Stella & Dane. This couple has pretty tough beginnings, small town, disapproval, and both of them have a lot of growing up to do.
I know that in this story, they will weather more than the average couple. Two miscarriages. Multiple rounds of failed IVF. Eventually, they will give up on having children. And due to Dane’s terrible past, they won’t ever be able to adopt. I’m sure Stella often wishes a baby would drop from the sky.
By the time we meet them in my book Baby Dust, they are a well established couple, one to be envied in their devotion to each other after all this history. But how did they get this way? What built a relationship like that? It’s been on my mind as I form their love story.
I’m not sure I have the answer. The father of my angel babies and I divorced, and that shared history was lost. He and I were the only people who were really close to those babies and those hopes. It’s a hard thing. We clearly didn’t have what Dane & Stella had. We fell apart.
Recently two of my baby loss mom friends got divorced. In both cases, the men just walked out of the relationship. How does this happen? What causes it?
And more importantly, what creates a relationship that weathers this?
Disappointment in how the father handles the loss is one of the most common sources of upset in the emails and messages that I get. The fathers aren’t sad. They don’t get it. They want the moms to “get over it.” Is this part of what creates the rift? How do we get past that and back into a loving relationship?
I’d love to hear from moms with wonderful supportive partners after a loss.
And if you’d like to see how Stella & Dane develop, I have a mailing list where I share their story as it goes along. Currently they are still young and immature. Stella’s grandmother, the only person she’s ever felt loved her, has just died. And she’s ready to blow out of town, with or without her new man, Dane. But life is about to deal a severe blow, a course of events that their lives will never recover from. If you’d like to follow it, you can sign up and get updates as long as you want, unsubscribe if it doesn’t interest you. Stella & Dane’s list.
I’m about to get remarried. I can hope I’m doing better this time around, and we’ll have to adopt as I’m too high risk for babies anymore. I’m looking for answers too.
My next book is going to be FREE for those who want to read it as I write it. In Baby Dust, you met Stella, who had two first-trimester miscarriages and several rounds of failed IVF. If you’ve read it, you learn Stella and her husband Dane’s devastating secret as to why they can’t adopt.
This new book takes you back to when Stella and Dane meet, and how she stands by him, and gets you all the way through her losses and how she comes to terms with the way her life has gone.
So sign up to read excerpts of the book as I go along. The e-book will be sent to everyone on the email list when it’s done before it goes on sale.
Was YOUR family 100% supportive after your loss? Did you ignore the things they said or did you speak up? I’m guessing you stayed quiet.
I got a chance to talk about how to handle family members on Monica’s lovely blog Honoring Our Angels. She graciously stepped up as I’m doing the promotions for my novel Baby Dust and allowed me to post as a guest.
Monica began her blog in 2008 after her sweet daughter Devon was stillborn. She sees it as a place to put stories about your babies, and she puts together resources for managing life after losing a baby.
She’ll be writing a review of Baby Dust in the next few days. She’s also giving away a copy of Baby Dust! So go over there before Oct. 8 and comment to win it!
Many amazing bloggers have stepped forward and agreed to spotlight my novel Baby Dust, and Holly, the mother of Carleigh, was one of the first.
Holly learned Carleigh had a condition called anencephaly, where the baby grows without a brain, during a routine ultrasound. She continued to carry Carleigh and was induced at 37 weeks. Sweet Carleigh died during labor and was born still, and so beautiful, a real treasure.
You can learn so much about anencephaly and Holly’s journey before, during, and after her pregnancy with Carleigh at her blog.
In Baby Dust, my character Dot was not given the choice to carry her anencephalic baby to term. The situation can depend completely on the doctor’s practice. I have learned from women who have gone through it, some doctors will insist on immediate termination or induction. Others will strongly urge your to carry to term. You may not know how to make the choice if it is offered.
Holly’s experiences are well written and comforting to read. If you have found this page by searching for anencephaly, I urge you to visit hers
My first baby Casey would have been thirteen years old today, and we’re celebrating his would-have-been birthday with give aways of some great books on loss. Since we can’t give Casey the things he would have liked, instead we’re giving things to YOU!
Head on over to the site of Baby Dust, my novel on pregnancy loss that will be released Oct. 1, and comment on any of the titles that you might find helpful. We’ll give away the books on October 1 to kick off Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Month.
We’re also taking this special day to celebrate the completion of the Baby Dust Book Trailer. Women from Ireland, London, Australia, Mexico, and the US talk about their babies, and the women of Illuminate, a photography class for grieving mothers, took the images that are used. (Double click to view it full size.)
At this site you will find information and a place to come in your dark and frightened hours. The special features of the site are listed in the next column, as well as topics ranging from causes of miscarriage, to prevention, to when to try again for a new pregnancy.
A Reminder:
The only person who can really tell you what is happening to you is your own doctor, who peers into you with a light and a speculum, who samples your blood or urine, or who presses a sonogram paddle into your belly. If you are in trouble, bleeding, scared, or more depressed than you think you can handle on your own, you must find help. Read and research all you can, but remember that the one-on-one assistance of a real doctor is the only thing that will give you answers that count. If you don't like or trust your doctor, then find one you can.
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Cradle, Broken Heart
