Archive for Grief
May 1, 2009 at 9:28 am · Filed under Grief
Some women aren’t sure which is worse — dreading an important anniversary or forgetting it all together.
I get both scenarios in my inbox. Women who don’t see how they can make it through the due date or the anniversary of the loss, who may take off work or go through elaborate rituals. And women who suddenly realize — it passed by without my realizing it. Both things can send you spiraling.
But truly, either thing is a normal part of the process of healing. If you discover renewed grief on that day, then roll with it. Find a way to channel that emotion — make something for the baby, maybe a candle or an ornament, or if you aren’t crafty, do something good for someone else. Take a box of food to a food bank or a couple packages of diapers to a woman’s shelter. These are good and wonderful things you can do in honor of your baby.
And if you find the day has passed without your marking it — that’s okay too. The people who love us (and that includes our angels!) want to see us healing and back to living our lives. There is no better way to honor the ones we have lost than to be happy, healthy, and keeping their memories an important, but not necessarily debilitating, part of how we spend our days.
I got a jolt seven years ago when my ob/gyn tried to schedule Elizabeth’s c-section on April 28, the day we learned Casey had died in 1998. I was adamant — no way. So he tried the 30th, which was the day I had my D&E and actually lost the baby. I told him, “You can schedule it for that day, but I’m not going to show up.”
We settled on May 1, and Elizabeth arrived in all her glory, and my Casey days remained his. This time of year is always a mixed bag of somber and joyful, memories and celebrations. But if in the throes of party planning and preparing for sister’s big day, I don’t remember to bring my revelry to a halt to think of Casey, that’s fine too. He’s probably off playing somewhere anyway.
February 4, 2009 at 11:17 am · Filed under Grief
For the link
www.lonestarboudoir.com
See.
March 13, 2008 at 6:10 pm · Filed under Grief, Miscarriage
Ever since all the e-card nightmares where scammers were sending emails saying “You have a greeting card from a friend” but it was really just phishing for your private information, I’ve wondered about the e-cards I’ve offered for a long time to give women who have had a miscarriage, and if anyone uses them any more.
Recently I discovered Red Bubble, which is an online art company where artists can offer their works to the public. I love it there. It’s such a neat community.
But mainly I wanted to create greeting cards for people to give someone who has suffered a loss, one especially that would be a keepsake, since we all know how few of those we get. So I finally did. And it’s up. I put it on Red Bubble because they are the least espensive as well. I could offer it to pretty close to what you could buy a nice card in a store for.
Anyway, hopefully it will be one more thing that raises awareness, and helps.
You can see it here.
Deanna’s Card
January 19, 2008 at 3:18 pm · Filed under Grief, Relationships
Losing a baby is one of the hardest things you will endure, but what happens when you also lose the relationship with the father?
It’s easy to think, “Who else will love and remember our baby but us?” You may feel as though you betrayed the baby somehow, that your love for that little one should have been enough to keep the family together.
It is even harder if these two are very close together, or worse, that the miscarriage seemed to be the final blow and the relationship fell apart at your darkest hour.
Realize this is a time for inner strength and renewal. Start fresh. Think new. Love harder. Vow to be happier. Know that your little baby changed your life–and surely, certainly it will be for the better. Find a partner who doesn’t leave when times are hard, who respects and loves who you really are, and with whom you can weather dark days together and not increasingly separate.
There is nothing harder than this–nothing. It will take everything you’ve got to trudge through each day. Don’t try to sort out your entire future. Don’t dwell on fears that you will be alone the rest of your life or that you will never have a baby. It’s not true, and you can’t know what will happen next. Focus on getting out of bed, what to put on, what to force yourself to swallow for breakfast. That is plenty enough.
Figure out who your real friends are, if you find yourself without any, join a grief and loss group to help you through. These days will be dark, so dark, and you will have to dig deeply into your inner reserves to find the strength to get through, but it is there. And as you draw from it, each day will get slightly brighter than the last, something random will make you smile when you never thought you would again, and these losses will be a part of what makes you a stronger preson with more awareness of life’s fragility and beauty.
We are not defined by what we have lost, or how, or why, but by how we survive it.
October 15, 2007 at 9:50 pm · Filed under Deanna\'s Story, Grief, Miscarriage, Remembrance Day
I’m so pleased that so many new Mamas learned about Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day and participated. Some went well above and beyond to notify local news media and get the word out in earnest.
Tomorrow I’ll put the site back in its usual configuration, which is to place Frequently Asked Questions right here front and first-read, but for one more day we’ll think about what this candle lighting means and the day we got to stop and revisit our loss, spend time with our babies, and let the grief flow.
Today I got to tell Emily and Elizabeth about the babies who died in Mama’s tummy, and Emily started to understand. (Elizabeth still thought lighting the floating candles and setting them out in Town Lake was “great fun.”)
I’ll leave you with the image of us here in Austin, lighting our candles on this special day for our babies.
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