Archive for Grief
March 13, 2008 at 6:10 pm · Filed under Grief, Miscarriage
Ever since all the e-card nightmares where scammers were sending emails saying “You have a greeting card from a friend” but it was really just phishing for your private information, I’ve wondered about the e-cards I’ve offered for a long time to give women who have had a miscarriage, and if anyone uses them any more.
Recently I discovered Red Bubble, which is an online art company where artists can offer their works to the public. I love it there. It’s such a neat community.
But mainly I wanted to create greeting cards for people to give someone who has suffered a loss, one especially that would be a keepsake, since we all know how few of those we get. So I finally did. And it’s up. I put it on Red Bubble because they are the least espensive as well. I could offer it to pretty close to what you could buy a nice card in a store for.
Anyway, hopefully it will be one more thing that raises awareness, and helps.
You can see it here.
Deanna’s Card
January 19, 2008 at 3:18 pm · Filed under Grief, Relationships
Losing a baby is one of the hardest things you will endure, but what happens when you also lose the relationship with the father?
It’s easy to think, “Who else will love and remember our baby but us?” You may feel as though you betrayed the baby somehow, that your love for that little one should have been enough to keep the family together.
It is even harder if these two are very close together, or worse, that the miscarriage seemed to be the final blow and the relationship fell apart at your darkest hour.
Realize this is a time for inner strength and renewal. Start fresh. Think new. Love harder. Vow to be happier. Know that your little baby changed your life–and surely, certainly it will be for the better. Find a partner who doesn’t leave when times are hard, who respects and loves who you really are, and with whom you can weather dark days together and not increasingly separate.
There is nothing harder than this–nothing. It will take everything you’ve got to trudge through each day. Don’t try to sort out your entire future. Don’t dwell on fears that you will be alone the rest of your life or that you will never have a baby. It’s not true, and you can’t know what will happen next. Focus on getting out of bed, what to put on, what to force yourself to swallow for breakfast. That is plenty enough.
Figure out who your real friends are, if you find yourself without any, join a grief and loss group to help you through. These days will be dark, so dark, and you will have to dig deeply into your inner reserves to find the strength to get through, but it is there. And as you draw from it, each day will get slightly brighter than the last, something random will make you smile when you never thought you would again, and these losses will be a part of what makes you a stronger preson with more awareness of life’s fragility and beauty.
We are not defined by what we have lost, or how, or why, but by how we survive it.
October 15, 2007 at 9:50 pm · Filed under Deanna\'s Story, Grief, Miscarriage, Remembrance Day
I’m so pleased that so many new Mamas learned about Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day and participated. Some went well above and beyond to notify local news media and get the word out in earnest.
Tomorrow I’ll put the site back in its usual configuration, which is to place Frequently Asked Questions right here front and first-read, but for one more day we’ll think about what this candle lighting means and the day we got to stop and revisit our loss, spend time with our babies, and let the grief flow.
Today I got to tell Emily and Elizabeth about the babies who died in Mama’s tummy, and Emily started to understand. (Elizabeth still thought lighting the floating candles and setting them out in Town Lake was “great fun.”)
I’ll leave you with the image of us here in Austin, lighting our candles on this special day for our babies.
May 10, 2007 at 4:47 pm · Filed under Grief, Holidays, Miscarriage, Mothers
I know it can be a hard day. Every marquee at every restaurant touts it. Sentimental commercials broadcast emotion. Your inbox swells with gift suggestions. The grocery store explodes with floral arrangements.
And here you are. Your baby isn’t here. You expected a swelling belly, or maybe even the bundle to be here. Or like me, maybe yours should have been scrawling crayoned rainbows on handmade cards by now.
But, you feel you have nothing.
Think of this way:
- Did you feel joy when you learned you were pregnant?
- Did you plan and hope and dream about the day your baby would arrive?
- Did you want nothing more than a happy, healthy little one?
How is this different than every other mother? Are mothers whose children die full grown any less mothers because their children are no longer here? Of course not.
You are a mother. You were the bearer of that baby’s future. You brought this baby into the world, however it happened, at four weeks gestation, or full term, in a gush of blood and pain just like every mother does.
Don’t believe for a moment that everything out there isn’t talking about you. It is. And even more so, because you have born a grief that could destroy a mother’s hope–the loss of her child–and you have survived.
It’s your day. Take it to remember your baby. And send up a quiet word of thanks to your own mother, wherever she may be.
March 26, 2007 at 1:00 pm · Filed under Family, Grief, Miscarriage
How many of you have heard these phrases?
- It probably would have been deformed.
- Thank goodness you were only in your first trimester.
- It’s not like it was a real baby.
- Just get pregnant again and you’ll feel better.
- It was just a miscarriage.
When friends, family, acquaintances, and coworkers learn of your loss, they are going to feel the need to say something. They feel awkward and unsure. They definitely don’t want to make you cry.
So they try to come up with something to make you feel better. Somehow, they really do believe that downplaying the loss (only first trimester, not a real baby, just a miscarriage) will help you downplay it too. Or, that they can show you a “bright” side (deformed, nature’s way, not the right time.) Or give you advice (get pregnant again, don’t dwell on it, you’re only making yourself depressed.)
I’m not happy with these people. I wish I could be your personal guardian, walking around with duct tape and sealing their mouths. But usually they aren’t really trying to upset you. They want to say something. They don’t know that “I’m so sorry for the loss of your baby. Please let me know if I can do anything,” is plenty.
Ignore them when you can. Just nod and walk away. And when you’re feeling up for it–tell them. And explain to them what to say next time, before they repeat these things to someone else.
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