This book is designed just like a traditional baby book, but it is meant for our babies who did not live to be born, or who died very shortly after birth. Unlike the traditional baby milestones we will never see, this book has gentle prompts asking about our hopes and dreams for baby, the moment you found out you were pregnant, and the days you were carrying the baby. It also has a section for the sadder moments, when you found out the baby was lost, and places for memorials and anniversaries.

The book is especially designed so that if you do not have sonograms or pictures, you can tug those pages out, so no page in your baby’s book is blank.

Learn more about this book in its video:

See more about this book on Amazon.

Mother’s Day is forever a mixed blessing for me. My first one, just two weeks after losing Casey at 20 weeks gestation, was so terrible I have blotted it from my memory. And even now, 14 years later, I still feel the pull of emotions in both directions as I think of the babies I lost (Casey, Daniel, Emma) and the ones that I got to keep (Emily, Elizabeth), and now, the one we’re trying for (our friends call him Thor even though he doesn’t exist yet…)

I want each of you to remember that whether that baby is in your belly, in your arms, or in the sky—you’re still a mother. It doesn’t matter who recognizes it or who doesn’t—your baby most certainly does.

I’m kicking off a week of give aways! You can comment here or on the Facebook page for chances to win! Feel free to comment both places—I’ll be giving away items both here and at A Place for Our Angels.

The first give away is a new book of poetry about infertility, pregnancy, and loss that came out just a few weeks ago by Nicole Breit, called “I Can Make Life.” This collection was a finalist in the Mary Ballard Poetry Chapbook Prize this year.

Check it out below, or if that’s too small on your browser, click through to check it out bigger here!

All the mothers who win any of the give aways over the next few days will be notified on Mother’s Day this Sunday (if I remember! If not, on Monday.)

Over at A Place for Our Angels: Memorials for Miscarriage and Stillbirth Babies, we’re having a HUGE Mother’s Day contest. We’ve already given away several books to moms on the page.

At midnight on Friday, May 13, we’ll be giving away something extra special. We’ll donate $100 to the movie Peekaboo in your baby’s honor to get the baby’s name in the Thank You credits. You will also get a DVD copy of the movie when it comes out.

Peekaboo is a movie about a mother who loses her stillborn triplets. Read more about them in the post below.

To enter the contest, go to A Place for Our Angels and post a PICTURE of anything that reminds you of your baby (bear, jewelry, sonogram, photographs) between now and 10 P.M. Central Time on Sunday. Don’t forget to tell us his or her name!

Find a picture and click on the image below to go!

I know many of you this year were expecting a baby, but tragedy struck, and this Mother’s Day will be spent in grief rather than celebration.

Other Moms will be celebrating with their children, but lost their own moms or grandmothers this last year, making this the first Mother’s Day without them. I lost two grandmothers last fall myself.

I’m asking everyone I know to reach out fellow grieving moms on Mother’s Day in a very simple way.

I have designed several digital cards that recognize that Mother’s Day often comes with mixed feelings. These cards emphasize peace and love for those who may not feel joyous on the holiday this year.

So choose the one that you think fits that person in your life who may be having a bittersweet Mother’s Day. Then right click to Save As and email it this weekend.

Feel free to upload them to Facebook if that’s where your friends are.

They are also already uploaded on Facebook if you just want to use the “share” feature. Find them on one of these pages

My Personal Facebook Page (You don’t have to be my “friend” to see them, but feel free to friend me!)

A Place for Our Angels Facebook Page

Casey Shay Press Facebook Page

And bloggers, feel free to post them in your own blog posts to help them spread. They are free to use for personal use.

Even if you aren’t close to some of your Facebook friends, take note if you saw things happening to them this year. Do something. Remember. Reach out. It’s amazing what a difference such a simple thing can make.

http://pregnancyloss.info/board/index.php?topic=304.0

____________________________

I know from the deluge of mail that this is a hard time of year to be grieving or worried about your pregnancy. Of course it is. You want to be sitting around a fire, sipping hot chocolate, and dreaming of the baby who is on the way.

But you’re not. Maybe you have scary cramps. Or you keep spotting. Maybe a miscarriage is on its way or just happened and you’d rather crawl in a hole than celebrate anything.

JUST DO THE BEST YOU CAN.

Here’s a message left today on the miscarriage symptoms page, and my response. It’s what I hope for each of you–to find that place where you can find joy even amongst pain, fear, and sadness.

From Gemma:

I am 28 and 6 weeks 1 day pregnant, it is my first pregnancy. I took my first pregnancy test a week and two days ago and it read ‘pregnant 1-2weeks’.
On Saturday evening (it’s now Tuesday) I started spotting, and am still spotting now. It varies from brown to pinky brown and back to brown again. I went to the doctors yesterday and he tried to send me for a transvaginal scan but the early pregnancy unit won’t do it until I am eight weeks. He arranged a HCG blood test for yesterday and I have another one tomorrow both of which I should get the results for on Friday.

The bleeding does not appear to be getting any worse, it very rarely touches the pad and is just there when I wipe. But nor is it stopping! I still wee alot and felt nauseous this morning. This morning I took another home test and it said ‘pregnant 2-3weeks’. I am so worried I have cried since Saturday night and have already started grieving for this baby. Friday is Christmas eve and my birthday is Boxing day and I just don’t know how I am going to get through it and cope with the not knowing. I have only had tiny minor cramps which I have had since the day before I found out I was pregnant but I can’t feel them most of the time it’s only when I bend occassionally or my jeans are too tight and dig in and it feels a bit kind of tender. Can anyone give me something positive to think because I think by the time I get my scan on Jan 5th I will have cracked up!!

My response:

I am so sorry you are going through this. It’s painful and so scary. I’ve been there. The not knowing is horrible. You can’t focus on anything else. I understand this.

First, some statistics. 70% of all pregnancies have bleeding. Only 10% miscarry. You are on the safe side of that.

Your blood level is low, but it did increase. That is a good sign. Take every good sign you can get right now.

Here’s what you know right now: You are pregnant. You are expecting something amazing to happen–the birth of your baby. Many parts of this journey will be terrifying (wait until this little one starts driving a car…)

Try to laugh. Try to have hope. And most of all, especially this time of year, try to find peace. You have two choices: Whether this baby is with you for seven weeks or seventy years, you can make each day full of joy, hope, and love. Or you can make it full of fear, grief, and tragedy.

Choose joy for as long as possible. Make every day a celebration. Buy something each day for the baby. Write down your thoughts on your baby constantly.

Love. Hope. It’s what we mothers do. And this way you’ve spent your little one’s life the best way possible. Let January 5 be January 5. Let today be today.

NOTE: Gemma has updated in the comments.

One of the reasons I started Casey Shay Press was to come up with ways for us to remember and celebrate our babies, even if they were only with us for a few weeks of pregnancy.

Early this year, I created In the Company of Angels: A Memorial Book, which is a record book to put down all your thoughts and hopes and dreams for the baby you lost.

Then, a few weeks ago, a fabulous graphic designer friend created a new bumper sticker for me that reads, “I believe in angels.” It is so beautiful! Go see it!

I encouarage you all to come up with your own ideas.

• Plant a tree.
• Buy a little baby statue for your yard.
• Start a journal or diary of your days with baby.
• Donate to the March of Dimes or a SIDS charity.
• Start an Oct. 15 (Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day) walk.

Some of the best healing comes through taking real action toward keeping those memories close.

The memorial book is 25% off through May 15 in honor of Mother’s Day in the US. And we are all mothers.

If you want to get your hands on that angels bumper sticker, the publishing company will be giving away 100 of them when they come in during the first week of May. Keep watch on our Facebook page for the giveaway! Once they are in, anyone who buys the memorial book while the Mother’s Day special is going on will automatically get the bumper sticker for free.

When we have so little to remember our babies by, a pregnancy test stick, maybe a sonogram, or just our throughts, anything can mean a lot.

Have the best Mother’s Day you can. It’s okay to be upset and disappointed, to cry or to be angry at what you lost. It’s all part of the recovery. Just don’t let anyone tell you that you are not a mother.

You are.

I have a whole section on managing the holidays, but mainly, just do the best you can. It’s all anyone can ask.

A little video reminding us that it is okay to grieve:

Casey Shay Press is the publisher of In the Company of Angels, a memorial book for babies lost to miscarriage or stillbirth.

I hear from the occasional dad after the loss of a baby. Usually he is worried about mom, wanting to know what he can do or say to help. It’s unusual, although it happens, for him to be sad for himself.

For moms who feel the father of the baby is not grieving like she is, remember that in a relationship, the balance dictates that only one of us can fall apart at a time. He may be holding down his grief to make sure he can be there for you, and he may prefer to keep it private.

I assure you that he notices Father’s Day, especially if the lost baby would have been his only child. He may not cry about it, he may not be emotional. And he may not need for you to recognize him on this day, or even be very open to talking about how this day might affect him.

Sometimes, though, dads find ways to express their grief and pain. Gerrit Hofsink lost his first grandson to stillbirth. He has written and produced a song for the baby. It’s a beautiful song — you can hear it here:

http://www.myspace.com/gerrithofsink

And if you love it, you can buy it for $1 here:

http://cdbaby.com/cd/hofsink 

Gerrit is working with me on some wonderful tribute projects using the song.

Tom of the UK band Oswald also wrote a song for his child:

http://oswaldtheband.com/littlesoul/

His song is also available for purchase, to benefit grief organizations.

So Dads, this day is for you.

Maybe you were pregnant and recently lost your little one. Maybe you’re in the process of miscarrying now. Or maybe you’re having scary symptoms and fear that a loss may be imminent.

No matter where you are in this journey, you are a mother. You felt hope and joy when you learned you were expecting. You made plans and dreams about your baby’s future. You wanted nothing more than a happy, healthy baby.

This is what all we mothers want. It makes no matter whether you were a mother a few weeks into a pregnancy, or 80 long years of life: you are a mother. Don’t let anyone make you feel otherwise.

On Sunday, we celebrate you. Even when the thought of being a mother is bittersweet, on this day, I like to just remember the sweet.

———————————————

Need to connect with other mourning moms? Our Facts about Miscarriage Facebook Group is a new community of women united in our losses, to tell our stories, leave our pictures, and find each other. If you belong to Facebook, join the group and invite others.  Joining Facebook is always free.

Before I say anything else, I want to assure you: That’s just fine. You don’t have to feel thankful. You don’t have to count your blessings every single moment. You can, when you need, grieve for the holiday you thought you would have, either glowing and pregnant, enduring jokes about eating for two, or with that new baby, walking into relative’s home to the exclamations over the new family member.

Do not feel you have to save face. Do not feel you have to hide how you feel. And if your family gathering involves pregnant women or new babies, this may be the year to volunteer in the kitchen. I always start cutting onions if I can’t control myself, for the concentration and the excuse for tears.

If you find yourself in a tough situation, look around for a sympathetic relative. Maybe it will be the boys, and you can run off with them to watch a football game rather than fuss over the small children. Maybe it will be a forgotten aunt. Take time to really get to know her this year.

Don’t expect that everyone is going to understand. Your sister-in-law might feel slighted if you don’t want to hold her newborn. Walking out of the room during a discussion of what to name a baby might cause a little stir.

SO WHAT.

Try not to get into any confrontations about it. Just smile and make a simple excuse. Plan ahead so you can bow out of uncomfortable moments gracefully by maybe preparing some complicated dish of your own.

Your years will come.  Have faith in that. And while you’re washing dishes or stuck watching UT beat the Aggies, think ahead to that, to your turn, and even if your family thinks you are being dramatic or over emotional, they are your family. You were born into it, and your future babies will be too. Love them even if they don’t understand.