Archive for Miscarriage
August 11, 2010 at 3:07 pm · Filed under Miscarriage, Remembrance Day
October is coming soon — only seven weeks away!
October 15 is the international day for pregnancy and infant loss awareness as started by Robyn Bear. Many of us will only light a candle at home on that day, but some of you super-mamas out there will organize public candle lightings or memorial walks.
It’s not terribly hard to do, and I have some tips if you want to start a candlelighting or walk in your area:
First, find other grieving moms. A great place to contact is the grief counselor at your local hospital. They will know where the support groups are and can pass on information. Your own OB/Gyn’s office may also know, and if they don’t, find the biggest practice in town and call them.
It’s okay to start very small. Don’t be afraid to just get out of the house. The first year I knew about Oct. 15, I just grabbed my daughters and showed up at the shore of our Town Lake with my candles. I had a few extra, and it was amazing how people would come by and ask what we were doing, and how many of them felt touched by loss and just wanted to stay a few moments and remember, think, or pray. I sent them away with tiny tea lights, the kind you can buy with a bazillion in a package for a few dollars. Now I make a little sign that explains what we are doing to passers by.
If your group is small (under 25), you don’t need special permits any more than you would for a family picnic. Just go. If it grows, you can plan bigger next year, and contact the city and the newspaper and all that. But it’s okay to start small and simple. If you really want to walk and not just hang out, find a hike and bike trail or circle the grounds of a church, and don’t worry about a big event, blocking roadways or police escorts. Just walk. The t-shirts and media attention and hundreds of participants can wait until you’re sure you want to be in charge of an event and all the work that can mean.
Once I start getting a few calls or emails, I tell people who are coming that the best candles are in glass jars, and to let them burn down a bit before arriving, so the wind will not blow them out so easily. You can glue sonograms or pictures to the outside, or use paint pens to decorate them.
One small precaution I take is to buy a bag of electric tea lights just in case we are approached and asked to extinguish our candles. Some city ordinances don’t allow it, especially if there is a burn ban in effect.
I have a list of music that I burn to a special CD and play. I start it at 7:00 and it lasts exactly one hour. These songs are listed in the “Angel Songs” box over on the right hand side. You can listen to snippets right there.
Don’t be intimidated or afraid. Grab a friend, light some candles, and invite others. My little candle lighting has gone from just our little trio to about thirty people in just three years.
If you need more help, join Robyn’s Walks and Memorials Organizational Yahoo Group, where we talk about what we’re doing and get listed on her site.
December 9, 2009 at 10:55 am · Filed under Miscarriage and tagged: H1N1, risk, swine flu, vaccine
I both run and belong to several support groups on miscarriage all over the internet. I’ve seen a somewhat alarming trend on forums and blogs to make the recommendation that women NOT get the H1N1 vaccine, because some believe it causes miscarriage.
I have seen women very upset who miscarry on the day of their vaccine or shortly after. This does NOT mean the two things were connected. Thousands of women lose their babies every day. It’s sad and terrible, and I so wish it didn’t happen. It only makes sense that some of the women who lose their babies will have done something that day that will make it seem connected. Had sex. Worked out. Fallen down. Or gotten a vaccine or other medical procedure.
Right now there is one thing we do know: swine flu is unexpectedly more dangerous to pregnant women and their babies. They are dying. Not all of them, not even a lot of them, but more than was expected. So the flu itself is a risk.
But we have no medically proven risk with the vaccine. Doctors insist it is safe. Maybe they are wrong, but a miscarriage after a vaccine cannot be conclusively connected. The vast majority of miscarriages are genetic.
It IS a big decision to get a vaccine, to knowingly put anything in your body when you are pregnant. I think the risk is too individual to be easily advised by someone who doesn’t know your situation. Some things to ask yourself:
- Are there little children in your house who could bring home swine flu?
- Are they in day care and more likely to get swine flu?
- How do you personally handle illness?
- Have you been prone to illness so far in the pregnancy, are you run down or fighting difficult symptoms?
- What sort of swine flu complications are popping up in your specific part of the world?
- And importantly, have you ever had a flu vaccine? Did it make you sick before?
- Do the benefits of the vaccine outweigh the risk?
It may only be your own doctor who can advise you on this. Please, before listening to horror stories on the internet, talk to the person who knows you, who knows the level of risk in your community, and can help you weigh the benefits of the vaccine versus going without–your doctor.
When a miscarriage happens, we want to find somone or something to blame. This is very natural and happens to all of us. But we definitely don’t act based on something that might not apply to us, so I urge you to take this decision seriously before letting blog posts (even mine) convince you how to react on this vaccine issue, or to believe a conspiracy, or a cover-up, that might not be a sound part of your choice on the vaccine.
November 21, 2009 at 1:03 am · Filed under Miscarriage, Mothers
At the candle lighting last month, I had the pleasure of meeting Hannah Silk Kapasi, an artist local to Austin. She let me know that as part of the Mexic-Arte museum’s Dia de los Muertos exhibit, she would be putting together an altar for babies lost to miscarriage and stillbirth.
Hannah lost two babies to stillbirth in less than a year. I visited her altar at the exhibit, where she had tributes not only to her children, but also let visitors add to chains of bracelets with the names and dates of their own babies.
So many wonderful and proud mamas are doing great work to help get miscarriage out of our secret lives and into the open, where we can talk about it without discomfort.
See more pictures.
October 14, 2009 at 9:44 am · Filed under Grief, Miscarriage, Remembrance Day
The big day is coming up. Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day is Thursday, Oct. 15. Remember to light your candle from 7 p.m. to 8 p.m. your time to participate in the International Wave of Light.
I spent today making votives for the people coming to the one here in Austin, Texas. If you are hosting one, and would like to use this label for votives of your own, feel free to right-click and “Save picture as.” It is designed for standard address labels, Avery 8160. It does not have to be printed in color. It looks good in black and white too.
The Austin candle lighting will be at the lighted fountains in Butler Park, which is behind the Parmer Events Center (Long Center.) It’s easiest to park along the street on Riverside. We generally light them by the water’s edge, but you will find us by our candles.
Here are the final votives and how they turned out. You can get little candles like these for about $4 a dozen.
Blessings to all of you who will mark this day for your lost babies.
August 28, 2009 at 11:33 pm · Filed under Miscarriage
It is always a joy to get an update from a once-grieving mom telling me she has had a baby since we last spoke. Often these notes come a year or more after her first frightened question on this site that I answered via email, and I am touched that these women took the time to track down the message I wrote them so long before.
I have had quite a few of these lately, and I’m talking about them because if you’re here right now, you’re probably either scared or grieving, worrying about a little blood you just found, or having some cramping, or waiting for test results and looking for information on the internet.
I’m here to tell you that even if the worst happens, an overwhelming majority of you (yes, YOU) will go on next time to have a healthy baby. You will never forget this one, and you will always carry a bit of grief in your heart over this loss. But you will go on, and you will find the courage to try again.
One thing about talking to women in the middle of a loss every day, as I do, is that you learn to appreciate the happy endings. So many of us have a very difficult journey into motherhood, full of despair we never knew we’d feel in connection with what was supposed to be the most joyous period of our lives.
But we do find our way. For a few, it might be adoption or recurring miscarriage treatments. But for most of us, we’ll perservere, and that baby we long for will come. And when it happens to you, I’m delighted to hear about it.
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If your group is small (under 25), you don’t need special permits any more than you would for a family picnic. Just go. If it grows, you can plan bigger next year, and contact the city and the newspaper and all that. But it’s okay to start small and simple. If you really want to walk and not just hang out, find a hike and bike trail or circle the grounds of a church, and don’t worry about a big event, blocking roadways or police escorts. Just walk. The t-shirts and media attention and hundreds of participants can wait until you’re sure you want to be in charge of an event and all the work that can mean.
Empty
Cradle, Broken Heart
