Preparations for the Oct. 15 Candlelighting

October 14, 2009 at 9:44 am · Filed under Grief, Miscarriage, Remembrance Day

The big day is coming up. Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day is Thursday, Oct. 15. Remember to light your candle from 7 p.m. to 8 p.m. your time to participate in the International Wave of Light.

I spent today making votives for the people coming to the one here in Austin, Texas. If you are hosting one, and would like to use this label for votives of your own, feel free to right-click and “Save picture as.” It is designed for standard address labels, Avery 8160. It does not have to be printed in color. It looks good in black and white too.

The Austin candle lighting will be at the lighted fountains in Butler Park, which is behind the Parmer Events Center (Long Center.) It’s easiest to park along the street on Riverside. We generally light them by the water’s edge, but you will find us by our candles.

Here are the final votives and how they turned out. You can get little candles like these for about $4 a dozen.

Blessings to all of you who will mark this day for your lost babies.

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Miracles after Miscarriage

August 28, 2009 at 11:33 pm · Filed under Miscarriage

It is always a joy to get an update from a once-grieving mom telling me she has had a baby since we last spoke. Often these notes come a year or more after her first frightened question on this site that I answered via email, and I am touched that these women took the time to track down the message I wrote them so long before.

I have had quite a few of these lately, and I’m talking about them because if you’re here right now, you’re probably either scared or grieving, worrying about a little blood you just found, or having some cramping, or waiting for test results and looking for information on the internet.

I’m here to tell you that even if the worst happens, an overwhelming majority of you (yes, YOU) will go on next time to have a healthy baby. You will never forget this one, and you will always carry a bit of grief in your heart over this loss. But you will go on, and you will find the courage to try again.

One thing about talking to women in the middle of a loss every day, as I do, is that you learn to appreciate the happy endings. So many of us have a very difficult journey into motherhood, full of despair we never knew we’d feel in connection with what was supposed to be the most joyous period of our lives.

But we do find our way. For a few, it might be adoption or recurring miscarriage treatments. But for most of us, we’ll perservere, and that baby we long for will come. And when it happens to you, I’m delighted to hear about it.

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Winter Blues and Virtual Hugs

January 14, 2009 at 11:18 am · Filed under About Deanna's Book, Miscarriage

So many of you are having a hard time.

I’ve had a four-fold increase in direct emails since the new year began. Heartbreaking stories, difficult moments. Many of you feel so very alone.

I’ve heard women say things that make me so sad that in the ten years since this site began, so little has changed in how we feel about revealing the extent of our grief:

• On Facebook, a woman wrote me thanking me for the private support, but she couldn’t join the Facts about Miscarriage support group because she didn’t want any of her Facebook friends to know she’d lost a baby. (Note that you have to be a member of Facebook–which is free–to see our Facebook group.)
• Via email, another woman felt uncomfortable sharing the name of her baby, as she thought others would think it silly to name her lost child.
• And everywhere, friends tell me how they keep their pregnancies to themselves for months, “just in case.” They don’t want others to know about the baby should they have a miscarriage.

I understand all this. I’ve been in these places, felt these things. But I want, really really want, a world where life CAN be celebrated from the moment it is known to exist. That we CAN tell our friends and family about this devastating loss, and feel loved and supported as we would in any death in the family. That we would NEVER feel guilty or as though we did something wrong, that the miscarriage was our fault.

This year I’m going to work even harder to make this happen. I’m applying for fellowships, trying to find time (and grant money to support me) to finish Baby Dust. I want to get this so visible, so public, so open, that we can change this feeling that we should hide what has happened.

We can’t change the miscarriage rate. This year, like most years, 6 million women (in the US) will get pregnant and almost 1 million of them will lose her baby. We are probably one of the single largest groups that suffers so silently.

I know from your emails, your notes, and your blog posts that you are having a hard time. 2009 isn’t starting off anything like you hoped. But this is a year we will get stronger. We’ll make something out of what has happened to us. And we’ll change things, because our babies, those beautiful little life-lights, live through us.

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Managing the Holidays without Baby

November 26, 2008 at 9:33 am · Filed under Holidays, Miscarriage

Here in the US, we are coming up on another Thanksgiving, and for those of you coming to this site right now, thanks is not something you may feel like giving.

Before I say anything else, I want to assure you: That’s just fine. You don’t have to feel thankful. You don’t have to count your blessings every single moment. You can, when you need, grieve for the holiday you thought you would have, either glowing and pregnant, enduring jokes about eating for two, or with that new baby, walking into relative’s home to the exclamations over the new family member.

Do not feel you have to save face. Do not feel you have to hide how you feel. And if your family gathering involves pregnant women or new babies, this may be the year to volunteer in the kitchen. I always start cutting onions if I can’t control myself, for the concentration and the excuse for tears.

If you find yourself in a tough situation, look around for a sympathetic relative. Maybe it will be the boys, and you can run off with them to watch a football game rather than fuss over the small children. Maybe it will be a forgotten aunt. Take time to really get to know her this year.

Don’t expect that everyone is going to understand. Your sister-in-law might feel slighted if you don’t want to hold her newborn. Walking out of the room during a discussion of what to name a baby might cause a little stir.

SO WHAT.

Try not to get into any confrontations about it. Just smile and make a simple excuse. Plan ahead so you can bow out of uncomfortable moments gracefully by maybe preparing some complicated dish of your own.

Your years will come.  Have faith in that. And while you’re washing dishes or stuck watching UT beat the Aggies, think ahead to that, to your turn, and even if your family thinks you are being dramatic or over emotional, they are your family. You were born into it, and your future babies will be too. Love them even if they don’t understand.

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Your next pregnancy: To tell or not to tell

September 11, 2008 at 1:18 pm · Filed under Miscarriage, Pregnancy

One of the scariest parts of getting pregnant after a miscarriage is the fear that it might happen again. It permeates everything, and can be so strong that seeing that positive home pregnancy test may fill you with dread rather than joy.

Hopefully you have a good understanding doctor in your corner (if not, FIND one, ask your friends for recommendations) and a supportive partner.

But still, as the nausea starts to hit and you consider whether or not you can get away with leaving your pants unbuttoned, you wonder–should I tell anyone I am pregnant?

The first impulse is to keep it to yourself. Your conversations about the loss might have been too terrible and painful to consider going through again. Maybe you feel like a failure (though you shouldn’t) or worry you will be judged.

It’s natural for us to want to hunker down with our pain, fight it alone, and try to keep the glossy outside world separate from our grief. Maintaining a zone where you don’t have to think about a loss, where you can escape it for a few hours, is a legitimate reason to keep the information from coworkers or bosses.

But I do think you should reconsider not telling friends and family. Imagine yourself, 25 years down the line, with a daughter in your position. Would you not want to know? To hopefully offer some sort of ear, if not concrete help?

I know some of us have parents who are less than helpful. Our partner’s parents may be worse. But I am a big believer in pain shared being pain halved, and if you don’t let anyone know you are pregnant, then no one can help you in your dark days.

I also want you to consider this: if you knew you only had two weeks to spend with someone you loved–how would you want it to be spent? In secret, in shadow, just between you? It’s possible, and if so, then keeping the knowledge private might be the way to go.

But if you want hope, joy, and happiness to suffuse what time you might have, then let it all out. Greet this new baby into the world with all your heart, make memories, make scrapbook pages, and make a mini-life. You are not going to feel worse because you did this. Your heart cannot hurt any more than it will if you kept it a secret. But you will have had that happiness, and certainly those moments make the pregnancy worth it, no matter how it ends.

I understand the need to hide it. If you read my journal you’ll find I felt exactly the same way the second time around. But in hindsight, and that is what I share with you, I am glad I wasn’t able to contain it and told everyone. Because when the bleeding started, when the tests were abnormal, when I had to be on bedrest, crying, sure another baby would be lost, I had help. I had books, I had phone calls, I had caring. And me and that baby were surrounded with love, and that’s the best way to go out of this world.

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