So to give you ladies in this place somewhere to go to get instant help, I created a private group on Facebook. People who are not members cannot see the posts in this group (and you have to be logged into Facebook to even see enough to join). We’ve left the name of the group and the description purposefully generic so that no one will know what the group is about.

In this place, you can talk to each other in the very intense few days between when you think you might be having a miscarriage and when you know for sure what is happening. Everyone gets a lot of attention and support and can compare symptoms and how their doctors are handling things.

I spent seven agonizing days after my water broke at 10 weeks waiting to find out if my baby was alive or not. I did nothing but cry and sleep and lie in bed, typing in web sites and looking for answers until my doctor would do a second sonogram to check for growth. You can read that whole story here.

I know this will be a very fluid group, as most of you will find out your baby is fine and will move back into pregnancy groups. But we do hope to provide quick support (we have women in many time zones). You’re much more likely to get a quick answer from me or one of the many women who are there right now, or have just been there.

I really wish such a group was never needed, that we all coasted through our pregnancies with nothing more than a little nausea and sleepiness. But you might have bleeding. Cramps might scare you. You might stop feeling the baby kick. And you’ll need someone to talk to. We’ll be there.

Over at A Place for Our Angels: Memorials for Miscarriage and Stillbirth Babies, we’re having a HUGE Mother’s Day contest. We’ve already given away several books to moms on the page.

At midnight on Friday, May 13, we’ll be giving away something extra special. We’ll donate $100 to the movie Peekaboo in your baby’s honor to get the baby’s name in the Thank You credits. You will also get a DVD copy of the movie when it comes out.

Peekaboo is a movie about a mother who loses her stillborn triplets. Read more about them in the post below.

To enter the contest, go to A Place for Our Angels and post a PICTURE of anything that reminds you of your baby (bear, jewelry, sonogram, photographs) between now and 10 P.M. Central Time on Sunday. Don’t forget to tell us his or her name!

Find a picture and click on the image below to go!

Certainly among us, the grandparents handled things differently, running the gamut from overwhelming grief that impacted their lives significantly, to trying to pass off the loss as unimportant, sometimes with those horrid phrases we hate to hear, “It was God’s Will” or “It will happen when it’s meant to be.”

We wondered what resources were out there for grandparents. I did a fairly exhaustive search this morning, trying to come up with things.

Probably the most direct was at Mothers in Sympathy and Support, a long-standing organization dedicated to helping families recover after a loss. They have a page and a forum dedicated to grandparents:

http://missfoundation.org/family/grandparents.html

Sands has a pamphlet they will send out: http://www.sandsqld.com/booklets.html 

There were several articles:

http://www.grandparents.com/gp/content/expert-advice/family-matters/article/mending-a-broken-heart.html

http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art54923.asp

And a couple independent books:

Forgotten Tears: A Grandmother’s Journey Through Grief

For Bereaved Grandparents

I’ll take some time to consider what I might could add to the resources available. It does seem rather thin. If you have ideas, let me know–send your parents over here to give me ideas, and we’ll make them happen.

Today we are featuring Neveah Hope. Her mom Samantha sent us snapshots of some of Neveah’s pages from In the Company of Angels.

Thank you so much for sharing, proud Mama! What lovely work on the pages you did for sweet Neveah.

Casey Shay Press is still donating $10 of every book sold in February toward the production of the independent film Peekaboo by Big Buddha Films.  The movie is about a family who loses triplets to stillbirth. Get your copy and help make this film a reality as well as preserve the memories of your baby. Sales on Amazon count too!

Go on over to her site and get one of your own. Wow, wow, wow.

Today I found another amazing woman out to get miscarriage and stillbirth out in the open — Debbie Howard. She is directing an independent film called Peekaboo in the UK. They are most of the way through raising the $10K needed to start production, have cast the lead roles, and well, listen to her tell it:

You still have time to contribute to the cause. Filming should begin at the end of February. If you’re looking for something to support in the name of your baby, this might be it. Go do it: http://www.indiegogo.com/Peeka-boo

October 15 is the international day for pregnancy and infant loss awareness as started by Robyn Bear. Many of us will only light a candle at home on that day, but some of you super-mamas out there will organize public candle lightings or memorial walks.

It’s not terribly hard to do, and I have some tips if you want to start a candlelighting or walk in your area:

First, find other grieving moms. A great place to contact is the grief counselor at your local hospital. They will know where the support groups are and can pass on information. Your own OB/Gyn’s office may also know, and if they don’t, find the biggest practice in town and call them.

It’s okay to start very small. Don’t be afraid to just get out of the house. The first year I knew about Oct. 15, I just grabbed my daughters and showed up at the shore of our Town Lake with my candles. I had a few extra, and it was amazing how people would come by and ask what we were doing, and how many of them felt touched by loss and just wanted to stay a few moments and remember, think, or pray. I sent them away with tiny tea lights, the kind you can buy with a bazillion in a package for a few dollars. Now I make a little sign that explains what we are doing to passers by.

If your group is small (under 25), you don’t need special permits any more than you would for a family picnic. Just go. If it grows, you can plan bigger next year, and contact the city and the newspaper and all that. But it’s okay to start small and simple. If you really want to walk and not just hang out, find a hike and bike trail or circle the grounds of a church, and don’t worry about a big event, blocking roadways or police escorts. Just walk. The t-shirts and media attention and hundreds of participants can wait until you’re sure you want to be in charge of an event and all the work that can mean.

Once I start getting a few calls or emails, I tell people who are coming that the best candles are in glass jars, and to let them burn down a bit before arriving, so the wind will not blow them out so easily. You can glue sonograms or pictures to the outside, or use paint pens to decorate them.

One small precaution I take is to buy a bag of electric tea lights just in case we are approached and asked to extinguish our candles. Some city ordinances don’t allow it, especially if there is a burn ban in effect.

I have a list of music that I burn to a special CD and play. I start it at 7:00 and it lasts exactly one hour. These songs are listed in the “Angel Songs” box over on the right hand side. You can listen to snippets right there.

Don’t be intimidated or afraid. Grab a friend, light some candles, and invite others. My little candle lighting has gone from just our little trio to about thirty people in just three years.

If you need more help, join Robyn’s Walks and Memorials Organizational Yahoo Group, where we talk about what we’re doing and get listed on her site.

I have seen women very upset who miscarry on the day of their vaccine or shortly after. This does NOT mean the two things were connected. Thousands of women lose their babies every day. It’s sad and terrible, and I so wish it didn’t happen. It only makes sense that some of the women who lose their babies will have done something that day that will make it seem connected. Had sex. Worked out. Fallen down. Or gotten a vaccine or other medical procedure.

Right now there is one thing we do know: swine flu is unexpectedly more dangerous to pregnant women and their babies. They are dying. Not all of them, not even a lot of them, but more than was expected. So the flu itself is a risk.

• Are there little children in your house who could bring home swine flu?
• Are they in day care and more likely to get swine flu?
• How do you personally handle illness?
• Have you been prone to illness so far in the pregnancy, are you run down or fighting difficult symptoms?
• What sort of swine flu complications are popping up in your specific part of the world?
• And importantly, have you ever had a flu vaccine? Did it make you sick before?
• Do the benefits of the vaccine outweigh the risk?

Hannah lost two babies to stillbirth in less than a year. I visited her altar at the exhibit, where she had tributes not only to her children, but also let visitors add to chains of bracelets with the names and dates of their own babies.

So many wonderful and proud mamas are doing great work to help get miscarriage out of our secret lives and into the open, where we can talk about it without discomfort.

See more pictures.

I spent today making votives for the people coming to the one here in Austin, Texas. If you are hosting one, and would like to use this label for votives of your own, feel free to right-click and “Save picture as.” It is designed for standard address labels, Avery 8160. It does not have to be printed in color. It looks good in black and white too.

The Austin candle lighting will be at the lighted fountains in Butler Park, which is behind the Parmer Events Center (Long Center.) It’s easiest to park along the street on Riverside. We generally light them by the water’s edge, but you will find us by our candles.

Here are the final votives and how they turned out. You can get little candles like these for about $4 a dozen.

Blessings to all of you who will mark this day for your lost babies.