For those of you in the US, this post is going up a bit early due to the international nature of my site, but Oct. 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. This day was designated by all 50 states in the US through the efforts of Robyn Bear (a lovely fellow-Texas girl!)
On this day, at 7 p.m. your time, grieving families light a candle for their babies lost to miscarriage, stillbirth, or early perinatal death for one hour. As each time zone extinguishes their candles, the next one will light theirs, creating the continuous Wave of Light across the world.
Some families opt to do this alone at home. Others will invite friends, family, or fellow baby loss moms to come over. Across the world, official walks and candle lightings are formed. To see if there is one near you, check this page: http://www.october15th.com/activities-walks/
Here in Austin, Texas, I have hosted the candle lighting for many years.
We will be down at the pond behind the Long Center. (This area is called Butler Park and is near the lighted fountains, at the base of the hill.) We will light our candles between 7 and 8 p.m.
Parking is easiest along Riverside or in the lot off Dawson Road. Most of the runners are leaving, so you can usually find a spot if you see someone heading to their car. You should be able to spot us by our candles and signs. I will have candles for everyone, and many parents will bring theirs too.
Remember that on Oct. 15 (a Monday this year) at 7 p.m. your time, grieving families around the world will light a candle for their babies for one hour, completing a wave of light around the world.
As we lead up to this day, I like to do little things to help you prepare. If you don’t already have a special candle for your baby, you still have a week to pick one up. If you know other baby loss moms, get together with them. Grief shared is grief halved. There might even be a public candle lighting in your city! Go here to see: October 15th Events
I will post many songs that are appropriate for playing during your hour of candle lighting for your baby.
Here is one of them. I think I love it so much because of the idea that I was CHOSEN to carry Casey. No matter how it went, life or death, I got to be his mother for a little a while, to carry him while his heart beat.
I’m spending this morning listening to the song list that I will play at tonight’s candle lighting ceremony here in Austin. Each year, I have added a new favorite to the list, and now, hearing my history of song choices, I’m reminded of all the time that has passed since I was pregnant the first time. So optimistic I was, unaware that anything could go wrong.
Of course, I still had no idea all the directions life would go. Three babies wouldn’t make it. Two would, but Elizabeth is reminded every day of the complications of losing her twin sister, medicine twice a day and still not knowing when or where a seizure might happen anyway.
But we are grateful, so grateful for the two daughters we got to keep. And while today will be hard, it always is, I don’t forget that this journey led to my life’s work, a purpose that carries me through everything. Other people might question why they are on this earth, what they are meant to do. But I know.
Here are the events happening here in Austin today:
10 a.m.
Memorial Service at Gateway church The theme is Seasons of Hope. They’ll be planting a memorial tree on the church property in honor of those who’ve lost children through miscarriage and still birth. http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=267431516618597
3 p.m. Baby Dust: A Novel about Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss Book Launch and Signing
The Book Spot
1205 Round Rock Ave #119
Round Rock, TX 78681 (Map)
(Corner of 620 and Lake Creek Dr. by Round Rock High School.)
Book summary: What happens when five women from completely different walks of life each lose a baby? Support. Healing. Friendship.
Families will be given candles to light during the Wave of Light that evening. http://www.facebook.com/home.php?ref=home#!/event.php?eid=248851078490256
7 p.m.
Wave of Light Candlelighting
Deanna has hosted the annual candlelighting to coincide with the international wave of light for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day for many years.
We meet by the pond next to the lighted fountains behind the Long Center to light our candles from 7 p.m. to 8 p.m. in a silent memorial vigil.
Park off Riverside Drive near Auditorium Shores or in the lot on Dawson Rd. (Map)
If you need music to play while you are lighting a candle at home, Casey Shay Press has aYouTube playlist of beautiful songs.
I know many of you are hurting over family, friends, or coworkers who downplay the loss of your baby. They are not intending to hurt you, but they somehow think that if they don’t mention it, you will forget faster. Or that if they tell you that “time heals” or “you can have another baby,” you will snap out of it, and suddenly be the easy-going person you were before.
Tomorrow is your chance to tell them otherwise.
See, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day isn’t something you made up. It’s real, it’s international, and it’s an opportunity to bring our babies back into our lives, and to share our experiences, and to remind people that we will never and should never forget.
Live by example, and use the events surrounding you as your chance to educate them about the Baby Loss community.
So post to your Facebook page, or Google +, or Tweet. Let them know you still think of your baby, and that you still miss that little person that should have been with you.
Social networks give us an opportunity like none other to advocate, to enlighten, and to spread good work.
So take a second to post a picture of something that has to do with your baby–a pregnancy test, or flowers you got, or just a poem or image. I’ll make it easy for you–here are several to choose from if you have nothing of your own:
October 15th — Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day — is coming soon — only seven weeks away!
October 15 is the international day for pregnancy and infant loss awareness as started by Robyn Bear. Many of us will only light a candle at home on that day, but some of you super-mamas out there will organize public candle lightings or memorial walks.
It’s not terribly hard to do, and I have some tips if you want to start a candlelighting or walk in your area:
First, find other grieving moms. A great place to contact is the grief counselor at your local hospital. They will know where the support groups are and can pass on information. Your own OB/Gyn’s office may also know, and if they don’t, find the biggest practice in town and call them.
It’s okay to start very small. Don’t be afraid to just get out of the house. The first year I knew about Oct. 15, I just grabbed my daughters and showed up at the shore of our Town Lake with my candles. I had a few extra, and it was amazing how people would come by and ask what we were doing, and how many of them felt touched by loss and just wanted to stay a few moments and remember, think, or pray. I sent them away with tiny tea lights, the kind you can buy with a bazillion in a package for a few dollars. Now I make a little sign that explains what we are doing to passers by.
If your group is small (under 25), you don’t need special permits any more than you would for a family picnic. Just go. If it grows, you can plan bigger next year, and contact the city and the newspaper and all that. But it’s okay to start small and simple. If you really want to walk and not just hang out, find a hike and bike trail or circle the grounds of a church, and don’t worry about a big event, blocking roadways or police escorts. Just walk. The t-shirts and media attention and hundreds of participants can wait until you’re sure you want to be in charge of an event and all the work that can mean.
Once I start getting a few calls or emails, I tell people who are coming that the best candles are in glass jars, and to let them burn down a bit before arriving, so the wind will not blow them out so easily. You can glue sonograms or pictures to the outside, or use paint pens to decorate them.
One small precaution I take is to buy a bag of electric tea lights just in case we are approached and asked to extinguish our candles. Some city ordinances don’t allow it, especially if there is a burn ban in effect. (And here in Texas–we’re planning on LED candles since all flames are banned.)
I have a list of music that I burn to a special CD and play. I start it at 7:00 and it lasts exactly one hour. Go listen to them all on YouTube.
Don’t be intimidated or afraid. Grab a friend, light some candles, and invite others. My little candle lighting has gone from just our little trio to over fifty people in just four years.
Here is the information for the October 15 events in Austin, Texas for 2011. It’s a special year, because I have a book coming out! We’re planning lots of events, including several local support groups getting involved.
If you are close to us, come on down for the day. We have a great line-up of events:
Saturday, October 15 at 3 p.m. Baby Dust Book Launch and Signing
The Book Spot
1205 Round Rock Ave #119
Round Rock, TX 78681 (Map)
(Corner of 620 and Lake Creek Dr. by Round Rock High School.)
They are planning to order books early, so call over there and see if they have them in if you want yours ahead of time. (512) 942-READ Learn more about Baby Dust: A Novel about Miscarriage and Stillbirth by Deanna Roy
4:30 p.m. Face to Face Austin Meet and Greet. A local support group affiliate of Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope, will be hosting a gathering at a restaurant immediately following the launch, probably about 4:30 or 5. Stay tuned for more information on our exact location.
7 p.m. Wave of Light Candlelighting
Deanna Roy has hosted the annual candlelighting to coincide with the international wave of light for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day for many years.
We meet by the pond next to the lighted fountains behind the Long Center to light our candles from 7 p.m. to 8 p.m. in a silent memorial vigil. Park off Riverside Drive near Auditorium Shores or in the lot on Dawson Rd. Deanna will provide LED tea lights to place inside our candles due to the extreme wildfire danger and drought. (Map)
At this site you will find information and a place to come in your dark and frightened hours. The special features of the site are listed in the next column, as well as topics ranging from causes of miscarriage, to prevention, to when to try again for a new pregnancy.
A Reminder:
The only person who can really tell you what is happening to you is your own doctor, who peers into you with a light and a speculum, who samples your blood or urine, or who presses a sonogram paddle into your belly. If you are in trouble, bleeding, scared, or more depressed than you think you can handle on your own, you must find help. Read and research all you can, but remember that the one-on-one assistance of a real doctor is the only thing that will give you answers that count. If you don't like or trust your doctor, then find one you can.
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Cradle, Broken Heart
