Your coworker shared her good news that she was pregnant. Later, you learn that she has miscarried, so you:

A. Say nothing, some things are private

B. Leave flowers on her desk with a note

C. Tell her you are there if she wants to talk.

As Baby Loss Moms, we are confused by this quiz. Can we pick B and C? How thoughtful for someone to acknowledge the real pain of returning to work after something so devastating with the offer to talk. And what a keepsake to treasure in the baby’s memory box, a note and perhaps some flowers to dry out and save.

I myself couldn’t decide which answer was better. “A” was obviously the throw away option.

But then I read Peggy Post’s answer:

A. With a good friend you would be more personal, but saying nothing is the best approach–until she shares the news with you. Then, offer your support.

What?

So, I’m picturing this scenario. Your coworker, coming in after a few days off, all she was allowed in many cases because there isn’t a funeral, sits at her desk. She knows everyone knows she was pregnant. (According to the quizlet, she “shared her good news.”) She’s got a staff meeting in a few hours, and she’s barely holding it together. Last time she sat at her desk, she was expecting a baby.

How does she “untell” her pregnancy? How will she even keep from falling apart? So far the only person who knows is her boss and one friend she had handling her phone calls and mail.

She walks down the line of cubes to get her mail from the friend and notices no one looks her way, as though she is train wreck it isn’t polite to stare at. She turns back around, rattled. Everyone must know. Should she send an email out? Ask her boss to? Will this make it worse?

Peggy Post, supported by Good Housekeeping, thinks that because this coworker doesn’t stand by the break room door and announce, “I’m not pregnant anymore! Be nice to me!” that she doesn’t want or need anyone’s cards, flowers, or even kind words. According to this magazine, you are to say nothing.

This is not common sense, and surely not common decency. If this woman’s mother had died, or her husband, you would hug her or offer condolences. Peggy Post, and by extension, Good Housekeeping, has just told thousands of subscribers that unborn babies are different.  It’s best not to talk about it.

Baby Loss leaders have worked hard to make miscarriage less of a silent pain, something we are allowed to feel, to be upset about, to mourn. Good Housekeeping has just set us back immensely. Imagine the outcry if Peggy Post had told readers never to bring up breast cancer, or divorce, topics that once were taboo but now can be openly discussed.

Many Baby Loss Moms have written Letters to the Editor, which may or may not see print, and even if so, will be long after the damage is done to the casual reader who might remember this advice for years. Still, we can try. Write Good Housekeeping at ghletters@goodhousekeeping.com

Many Baby Loss Moms have expressed their outrage on the magazine’s Facebook page. Feel free to continue to remind them that we are here, and we are not going to say nothing.

When the Facebook comments hit a zenith thanks to the work of Nikki on her blog, Good Housekeeping did respond within the thread. The answer was hard to find and even though I knew it was there, I had to read for 20 minutes to locate their response:

We talked to Peggy Post about your comments and here is what she wanted us to share with you: “Thank you for your feedback – a powerful reminder of the power of emotions and the importance of empathy. You, our readers, are so correct; I totally agree with you that reaching out to this grieving mother – regardless of a concern to respect her privacy – is truly the correct answer. Even if her miscarriage had not yet been general knowledge among her co-workers, a one-on-one heartfelt “I’m so sorry” would have been better than waiting to express condolences. This Pop Quiz is misleading and caused hurt and concern for our readers. For this, I sincerely apologize.” — Peggy Post

I can respect an apology, even though it has a jab in it (“regardless of a concern”).

Now let’s help Good Housekeeping correct its error. They need to write something longer, something their subscribers will actually read and learn from, to erase this terrible error from the minds of the readers, and impart good and useful information for a tragedy that is so common, 1 out of every 4 women will experience it.

So to suggest a full-length article on helping friends, family, and coworkers after a miscarriage, write ghletters@goodhousekeeping.com

You can also write Peggy Post, who wrote the quizlet, directly at peggypost@goodhousekeeping.com
[NOTE: Peggy's email is bouncing for some reason--but this is the one Good Housekeeping lists. There are some addresses when you go to the Emily Post Etiquette web site, but I doubt any of those will go to Peggy.]

But please, whatever you do, don’t say nothing. This misinformation must end now.

I know that in this story, they will weather more than the average couple. Two miscarriages. Multiple rounds of failed IVF. Eventually, they will give up on having children. And due to Dane’s terrible past, they won’t ever be able to adopt. I’m sure Stella often wishes a baby would drop from the sky.

By the time we meet them in my book Baby Dust, they are a well established couple, one to be envied in their devotion to each other after all this history. But how did they get this way? What built a relationship like that? It’s been on my mind as I form their love story.

I’m not sure I have the answer. The father of my angel babies and I divorced, and that shared history was lost. He and I were the only people who were really close to those babies and those hopes. It’s a hard thing. We clearly didn’t have what Dane & Stella had. We fell apart.

Recently two of my baby loss mom friends got divorced. In both cases, the men just walked out of the relationship. How does this happen? What causes it?

And more importantly, what creates a relationship that weathers this?

Disappointment in how the father handles the loss is one of the most common sources of upset in the emails and messages that I get. The fathers aren’t sad. They don’t get it. They want the moms to “get over it.” Is this part of what creates the rift? How do we get past that and back into a loving relationship?

I’d love to hear from moms with wonderful supportive partners after a loss.

And if you’d like to see how Stella & Dane develop, I have a mailing list where I share their story as it goes along. Currently they are still young and immature. Stella’s grandmother, the only person she’s ever felt loved her, has just died. And she’s ready to blow out of town, with or without her new man, Dane. But life is about to deal a severe blow, a course of events that their lives will never recover from. If you’d like to follow it, you can sign up and get updates as long as you want, unsubscribe if it doesn’t interest you.  Stella & Dane’s list.

I’m about to get remarried. I can hope I’m doing better this time around, and we’ll have to adopt as I’m too high risk for babies anymore. I’m looking for answers too.

This new book takes you back to when Stella and Dane meet, and how she stands by him, and gets you all the way through her losses and how she comes to terms with the way her life has gone.

So sign up to read excerpts of the book as I go along. The e-book will be sent to everyone on the email list when it’s done before it goes on sale.

Sign up here to get excerpts and the entire e-book when it’s done!

Writing begins next week! I’m so excited to get back to Stella!

Of course, I still had no idea all the directions life would go. Three babies wouldn’t make it. Two would, but Elizabeth is reminded every day of the complications of losing her twin sister, medicine twice a day and still not knowing when or where a seizure might happen anyway.

But we are grateful, so grateful for the two daughters we got to keep. And while today will be hard, it always is, I don’t forget that this journey led to my life’s work, a purpose that carries me through everything. Other people might question why they are on this earth, what they are meant to do. But I know.

Here are the events happening here in Austin today:

10 a.m.
Memorial Service at Gateway church
The theme is Seasons of Hope. They’ll be planting a memorial tree on the church property in honor of those who’ve lost children through miscarriage and still birth.
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=267431516618597

3 p.m.
Baby Dust: A Novel about Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss
Book Launch and Signing
The Book Spot
1205 Round Rock Ave #119
Round Rock, TX 78681 (Map)
(Corner of 620 and Lake Creek Dr. by Round Rock High School.)
Book summary: What happens when five women from completely different walks of life each lose a baby? Support. Healing. Friendship.
Families will be given candles to light during the Wave of Light that evening.
http://www.facebook.com/home.php?ref=home#!/event.php?eid=248851078490256

5 p.m.
Face2Face Austin Dinner and Balloon Release
A local support group affiliate of Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope will be hosting a gathering at La Margarita Restaurant (1530 IH-35) in Round Rock immediately following the book launch.
http://www.facebook.com/home.php?ref=home#!/event.php?eid=179100578838084

7 p.m.
Wave of Light Candlelighting
Deanna has hosted the annual candlelighting to coincide with the international wave of light for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day for many years.

We meet by the pond next to the lighted fountains behind the Long Center to light our candles from 7 p.m. to 8 p.m. in a silent memorial vigil.

Park off Riverside Drive near Auditorium Shores or in the lot on Dawson Rd. (Map)

If you need music to play while you are lighting a candle at home, Casey Shay Press has aYouTube playlist of beautiful songs.

Tomorrow is your chance to tell them otherwise.

See, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day isn’t something you made up. It’s real, it’s international, and it’s an opportunity to bring our babies back into our lives, and to share our experiences, and to remind people that we will never and should never forget.

Live by example, and use the events surrounding you as your chance to educate them about the Baby Loss community.

So post to your Facebook page, or Google +, or Tweet. Let them know you still think of your baby, and that you still miss that little person that should have been with you.

Social networks give us an opportunity like none other to advocate, to enlighten, and to spread good work.

So take a second to post a picture of something that has to do with your baby–a pregnancy test, or flowers you got, or just a poem or image. I’ll make it easy for you–here are several to choose from if you have nothing of your own:

Have a peaceful and healing remembrance day.

I got a chance to talk about how to handle family members on Monica’s lovely blog Honoring Our Angels. She graciously stepped up as I’m doing the promotions for my novel Baby Dust and allowed me to post as a guest.

Deanna’s guest post on managing family

Monica began her blog in 2008 after her sweet daughter Devon was stillborn. She sees it as a place to put stories about your babies, and she puts together resources for managing life after losing a baby.

She’ll be writing a review of Baby Dust in the next few days. She’s also giving away a copy of Baby Dust! So go over there before Oct. 8 and comment to win it!

Baby Dust Give Away

Holly learned Carleigh had a condition called anencephaly, where the baby grows without a brain, during a routine ultrasound. She continued to carry Carleigh and was induced at 37 weeks. Sweet Carleigh died during labor and was born still, and so beautiful, a real treasure.

You can learn so much about anencephaly and Holly’s journey before, during, and after her pregnancy with Carleigh at her blog.

In Baby Dust, my character Dot was not given the choice to carry her anencephalic baby to term. The situation can depend completely on the doctor’s practice. I have learned from women who have gone through it, some doctors will insist on immediate termination or induction. Others will strongly urge your to carry to term. You may not know how to make the choice if it is offered.

Holly’s experiences are well written and comforting to read. If you have found this page by searching for anencephaly, I urge you to visit hers

Holly’s Blog Home Page

Holly’s Story of Carleigh

Holly’s comments on Baby Dust

Learn more about Baby Dust

Head on over to the site of Baby Dust, my novel on pregnancy loss that will be released Oct. 1, and comment on any of the titles that you might find helpful. We’ll give away the books on October 1 to kick off Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Month.

We’re also taking this special day to celebrate the completion of the Baby Dust Book Trailer. Women from Ireland, London, Australia, Mexico, and the US talk about their babies, and the women of Illuminate, a photography class for grieving mothers, took the images that are used. (Double click to view it full size.)

October 15 is the international day for pregnancy and infant loss awareness as started by Robyn Bear. Many of us will only light a candle at home on that day, but some of you super-mamas out there will organize public candle lightings or memorial walks.

It’s not terribly hard to do, and I have some tips if you want to start a candlelighting or walk in your area:

First, find other grieving moms. A great place to contact is the grief counselor at your local hospital. They will know where the support groups are and can pass on information. Your own OB/Gyn’s office may also know, and if they don’t, find the biggest practice in town and call them.

It’s okay to start very small. Don’t be afraid to just get out of the house. The first year I knew about Oct. 15, I just grabbed my daughters and showed up at the shore of our Town Lake with my candles. I had a few extra, and it was amazing how people would come by and ask what we were doing, and how many of them felt touched by loss and just wanted to stay a few moments and remember, think, or pray. I sent them away with tiny tea lights, the kind you can buy with a bazillion in a package for a few dollars. Now I make a little sign that explains what we are doing to passers by.

If your group is small (under 25), you don’t need special permits any more than you would for a family picnic. Just go. If it grows, you can plan bigger next year, and contact the city and the newspaper and all that. But it’s okay to start small and simple. If you really want to walk and not just hang out, find a hike and bike trail or circle the grounds of a church, and don’t worry about a big event, blocking roadways or police escorts. Just walk. The t-shirts and media attention and hundreds of participants can wait until you’re sure you want to be in charge of an event and all the work that can mean.

Once I start getting a few calls or emails, I tell people who are coming that the best candles are in glass jars, and to let them burn down a bit before arriving, so the wind will not blow them out so easily. You can glue sonograms or pictures to the outside, or use paint pens to decorate them.

One small precaution I take is to buy a bag of electric tea lights just in case we are approached and asked to extinguish our candles. Some city ordinances don’t allow it, especially if there is a burn ban in effect. (And here in Texas–we’re planning on LED candles since all flames are banned.)

I have a list of music that I burn to a special CD and play. I start it at 7:00 and it lasts exactly one hour. Go listen to them all on YouTube.

Don’t be intimidated or afraid. Grab a friend, light some candles, and invite others. My little candle lighting has gone from just our little trio to over fifty people in just four years.

If you need more help, join Robyn’s Walks and Memorials Organizational Yahoo Group, where we talk about what we’re doing and get listed on her site.

Here is the information for the October 15 events in Austin, Texas for 2011. It’s a special year, because I have a book coming out! We’re planning lots of events, including several local support groups getting involved.

If you are close to us, come on down for the day. We have a great line-up of events:

Saturday, October 15 at 3 p.m.
Baby Dust Book Launch and Signing
The Book Spot
1205 Round Rock Ave #119
Round Rock, TX 78681 (Map)
(Corner of 620 and Lake Creek Dr. by Round Rock High School.)
They are planning to order books early, so call over there and see if they have them in if you want yours ahead of time. (512) 942-READ
Learn more about Baby Dust: A Novel about Miscarriage and Stillbirth by Deanna Roy

4:30 p.m. Face to Face Austin Meet and Greet. A local support group affiliate of Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope, will be hosting a gathering at a restaurant immediately following the launch, probably about 4:30 or 5. Stay tuned for more information on our exact location.

7 p.m. Wave of Light Candlelighting
Deanna Roy has hosted the annual candlelighting to coincide with the international wave of light for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day for many years.
We meet by the pond next to the lighted fountains behind the Long Center to light our candles from 7 p.m. to 8 p.m. in a silent memorial vigil. Park off Riverside Drive near Auditorium Shores or in the lot on Dawson Rd. Deanna will provide LED tea lights to place inside our candles due to the extreme wildfire danger and drought. (Map)

A book trailer is like a movie trailer, and it gives you a feel for the experience of reading the book.

Because Baby Dust is based on the real-life stories of several dozen baby loss moms, I wanted to use the voice of mothers in the book trailer.

(You can read the first chapter of the book HERE!)

We’d LOVE to have you participate. Here is a video explaining the process, and the list of questions are below. (You may need to crank your volume–the video turned out a little quiet! Gah!)

First, decide how you are going to record yourself.
The easiest ways are your cell phone or web cam.
Most modern cameras can also record video. I can pull your voice from the video and discard the images.

Choose a place. Now, listen.
Are there dogs barking? Lawn mowers? A TV? What might get in the background and make your audio unusable? If you hear something, move somewhere else.

Now read over the questions and form the answers in your head.

Question 1: Who are you?
Just a first name. Use this sentence:
My name is ____(Madonna)_______.

Question 2: Where do you live?
Just say the City/State/Province/Country. Whatever works.

Question 3: How many miscarriages have you had?
Just say the number
One. Two. Three. Etc.

Question 4: How far along were you?
If you’ve only had one loss, answer with a single time frame, something like
Six weeks.
Or
Three months.
Or
Full term.

If you’ve had several losses, give a number and a range. Like this:
I’ve lost three babies ranging from four to seven weeks.
I’ve lost two babies ranging from six weeks to five months.
I’ve lost four babies ranging from five weeks to a full-term stillbirth.
I’ve lost three babies ranging from five months to a premature baby who lived sixteen hours.

Question 5: Tell me one thing that really helped you get through your loss. For example:
My friends were what got me through.
Or
My husband was the most amazing strength for me.
Or
I couldn’t have gotten through it without the women I met online.
Or
God. He was the only thing that got me through.
(Make it yours. Keep it to one sentence.)

Question 6: Tell me one thing about this loss you will never forget (good or difficult). For example:
My two-year-old patted my belly before we left for the hospital to say goodbye.
Or
My mother-in-law told me to get over it.
Or
I had to sit in the emergency room for four hours.
Or
I held the baby in my hand, and he was so small.
(Make it yours. Try to keep it to one or two sentences.)

Question 7: Tell me one thing you’d like to see change about loss. For example:
I wish doctors would really listen to us.
I want hospitals to be more compassionate.
There really needs to be more research into late-term stillbirths.
I need for family and friends to let me talk about my baby.
I just want people to understand.
I don’t want to have to hide what happened to me.
(Make it yours. One sentence.)

Time to get me the file.
The easiest way is to record it on your cell phone and then “Share” the file via email to this address:
babydust@pregnancyloss.info
You can also upload it to Facebook or G+ or any social media and send an email with a link to it.

You can also record it with your web cam on your computer and email the file. Or you can use a digital camera and email the file.

To be considered for the book trailer, I have to have your file by Thursday, Aug. 18.

THANK YOU! I can’t wait to hear your voice!

_____________________________________

The trailer is DONE! Go see it!