How to Cope

The emotional recovery from a miscarriage is not easy. Few people may even know about your loss, and others may brush it aside, even your partner. You are not alone, and you may be surprised to see in these topics that what you are feeling is normal and expected.

Topics Under How to Cope

Feelings You May Have

Despair and suicidal thoughts
Anger
Going crazy/Feeling neurotic
Guilt
No one understands
My partner isn’t supportive or grieving like me
Jealousy of pregnant women

Dealing with Others

Telling Your Friends and Family
Telling Your Children
When No One Will Talk about Your Loss
When People Say Things that Upset You
Mean and Petty People

Honoring Your Baby

Ways to Memorialize Your Baby
Naming the Baby
Holding Services

Events to Suffer Through

Managing the Holidays
Going back to Work
Baby Shower Invitations

 

I know you may be frightened by what you’re going through. Remember Deanna has a private group on Facebook to help.

31 Comments »

  Shawneque Swagerty wrote @ February 25, 2008 at 1:34 am

I am 27 and have lost a set of twins right before christmas and I am learning to cope with it but it is still hard and I thank you for having some real ways on how to get through all of this by myself and to know that I am not alone.

  Louise wrote @ April 11, 2008 at 12:12 am

I found out I lost my baby on March 7 2008. It is now one month later and I don’t feel any better. The past week I have been writing poetry and found that it helps a lot in expressing surpressed feelings. I wanted to say that it is so nice to be able to find others to relate to in such a difficult time. Thank you for making this site, it is helping me honour my baby and relieve grief.

  Amanda wrote @ April 20, 2008 at 6:55 pm

On Monday, I found out that I was pregnant for the 3rd time. On Friday, I found out that I was losing my pregnancy for the 3rd time. I’ve been trying to be tough for my husband but I just broke down. I appreciated seeing this website because it helps remind me that God is always there and he’ll never leave us. I take comfort knowing that I am not going through this alone either. My prayers go out to all who wish the same dream that I have.

  Lena wrote @ September 1, 2008 at 5:27 pm

This website has helped me look at things in a new way I lost my baby at 17 weeks and had to have vaginal delievery due to to placenta abruption. we are going to bury her and have a little sevices. I just want to thank you for all the advise on this page.

  Tiffany wrote @ October 4, 2008 at 11:23 pm

I had a miscarrige at 8 weeks in January of 2007. It was the most horrible experience of my life. By the time I had got to the hospital the process was almost complete and the ER doctor had the nerve to tell me I was never pregnant even though I had had an ultrasound at my OB’s office 3 days before that to confirm my pregnancy. We had to fought with the hospital about what the doctor had put in my charts because our insurance company would not pay for the ultasound since he said I was never pegnant. Even though my OB’s office called that doctor and told him I was pregnant he refused to change the code. I pray that no one ever has to experience what I went through. If it wasn’t for the nurses and my regular OB I would have never had my baby this year (Jan 08) at that hospital.

  naomi wrote @ October 7, 2008 at 2:11 pm

i lost my first baby a few days ago me and my boyfriend were devastated but my bofriends brothers gf went threw the same thing a couple om months back and didnt tell no one not even her boyfriend but confided in me wen it happend to me i found the best way to cope is to never forget your baby but dnt spend so much time greiving i no that may sound really bad but the more u grieve the worse u feel and i do care abpout my baby i love my baby even tho i never got to see him but he will always b in my heart and i will never forget him

  kasey wrote @ October 13, 2009 at 8:54 pm

I am 18 years old, and when i found out i was pregnant and that my boyfriend wanted nothing to do with me or the baby i was devestated. Eventually god came into my life and made me realize how amazing this was. and thankfully i was blessed with a caring family. I was starting to get used to the fact that id soon be a mommy, and happy. Until i found out that at my 11month check up that my baby had stoped growing at 8 weeks. It was the worst day of my life. . . the mistake that turned into my only love and greatest blessing was gone. I had the actual miscarriage two days ago. and although im trying to be strong. i think about my angle every day no one could ever feel this feeling unless they had actually lost something that was growing inside them. my ex still hasnt called. he dosent know. i tried to call but he wont answer. the only thing that keeps me going in this is that god knows why things happen he has a reason…even though i dont understand. And maybe he wanted me to wait to be a mom at a time i could handle it and have support of a husband. All i know is, the baby i never had. will always be my first child. and sometimes i think, since god knows how alone i am right now, he decided to give me an angel. my prayers are for all of you going through this. im sorry. remember. god has a plan.

  grace wrote @ October 25, 2009 at 7:27 pm

i found out that i was pregnant in march my first child and i was so excited everything was going ok until may i was 9 weeks and lost my baby they said it quit growing at 5 weeks i was devestated. my head understood it but my heart will never understand it no matter what. i had a d&c and we have being trying again since july and nothing yet its just hard every month to keep going through it, i thought it would not bother me as time went on by it does more than ever and i dont know what to do about it, i feel like im crazy and a mess all the time and i feel like it affects me and my husband like we are not as close but he says it all in my head that he love me and he is there for me. i just want my life to be normal again if anyone has any insight please email me at getctt@yahoo.com,,thanks

  grace wrote @ October 25, 2009 at 7:29 pm

my email from above wrong its getctt2223@yahoo.com

  Ashley wrote @ November 24, 2009 at 9:51 pm

I found out today that I had a blighted ovum and would miscarry, I’m 8 wks pregnant and this will be my 3rd loss this year. I am only 19 and I’m devastated, I want a baby so bad but I realize it won’t happen. I don’t know what else to do besides give up….

  Joy wrote @ December 7, 2009 at 2:00 am

Where was this site when I needed it. This site is awesome!!!

  Katherine wrote @ January 24, 2010 at 8:39 am

I have just miscarried for the 2nd time in 9 months. this time i didn’t tell anyone i was pregnant. My family was unsupportive last time. just wondering how to bring it up with those friends i think will be helpful.

  Heather wrote @ March 10, 2010 at 8:35 pm

I found out I was pregnant with my 3rd baby Feb.2, 2010. March 3rd I had a u/s and there was no growth or heartbeat. My Doctor suggested a D&C for the next day. He actually made it seem like that was my only choice. Waiting would be detrimental to my haelth. I have had 2 healthy pregnancies already. I really don’t understand what happened, and my husband has no interest in trying again. (This one was un-planned) But i loved it like it was already here. I feel like if Im sad over the loss Im annoying to him and my family. They think Im nuts for ever wanting a third baby. He wants 1 more but in a few more yeays. Im ready for the last one. But it seems what i want and how I feel about anything doesn’t even matter…

  Kristin wrote @ March 10, 2010 at 8:40 pm

I just miscarried last week and I have found this site to be extremely helpful. I do have a daughter and this was to be our second child. 4 days after having my 8 week songram I lost my baby. I have never known such pain. I do not understand the why and I wish there was an answer. But there just isn’t. I have found myself in the past week repeatedly coming back to this site. My daughter has really helped me get out of bed each day. Without her, I would not know how to carry on. I didn’t know that at only 8 weeks I could still feel this much sorrow over my baby being gone. I saw it, heart beating and all…and now…my baby is gone forever. When will it get better? I so desperately want more children… but I don’t think I am strong enough to try and to go through all the emotions that go with that…UGH! Anyways.. Thank You for this site

  Ama wrote @ March 17, 2010 at 7:01 pm

I still dont know how to cope and I lost my baby 5 and a half months ago. I suppose if i had other children to motivate me it would be different, but I dont. My husbands gone for work early and I cant drag myself out of bed til at least noon. I work evenings. When I get to work, I put on my happy face which is exhausting so am pretty tired all the time. Pretending to be happy when miserable is hardwork. I deleted my facebook account cause was tired of hearing about friend’s pregnancies and pics of newborns and children everywhere. Trying to conceive again and being disappointed month after month takes it’s toll too. My doctor wont see us for fertility options until at least May which seems like an eternity. Hopefully something happens soon. I want a child and I want to feel happy again. I have no other interests at the moment besides being a mom.

  Catherine wrote @ May 28, 2010 at 1:47 am

Thank you for this site. I read it everynight i think it is how I greive. You have made a difference to my life. Two things I have found that may help other people; one reason you may feel alone or why your husband does not seem to get it, causing trouble in your marriage is because people can not see the lose you feel physically. I found people really close to me only got it when I showed them the ultra sound picture then they realize it is a real baby . Secondly I think there is a balance between grieving and ruminating I have not found yet. Thanks again!

  lisa wrote @ July 15, 2010 at 8:43 pm

Hi everyone it’s been 5 year since i lost a baby i was six months, i had him on the streets, i died, had full blood trans fusion. i named him Jacob and i truly believe he is my angel that watches over me every day i try my hardest to keep it together a round the time of year i just wonder what he would look like and his personally likes dislikes, I’m a writer so every year i write him a little something, have a meal, and light candle and let it burn till it goes out. then this past October i lost a baby , due to the swine flu, i was 4 months along. but for some reason the first one bothers me more and i don’t no why that that is maybe because it has been a year or maybe i feel the pain for both i just don’t know it? i do believe everything happens for a reason an god places our babies in better world i have been blessed with one child he is 19years old. thank for reading and any advice you may have and i hope that this helps out one of you ladys

  Claire wrote @ November 6, 2010 at 4:56 am

Hi everyone,
I had a tiny spot of blood at 10 weeks and was sent for a scan just as a precaution. At the scan they discovered I was carrying twins but they were smaller then they should be and there were no heartbeats.

They told me to go back in a week for another scan to see if anything had changed. It had not and while they were doing the internal they were really rough. That was 5 days ago and I have been bleeding heavily ever since.

I went to A&E last night and was told there was no more active bleeding and that I must have passed the baby’s but after I left I was bleeding heavily still and passing clots. I called the hospital and they told me I must have only passed one baby and this must be the second.

I don’t know how to feel, I am confused and because they could not be certain about anything. A part of me won’t let go of the idea of being pregnant and because I had my daughter only 9 months ago I can’t accept I have not been able to complete this pregnancy.

  emmanence wrote @ January 26, 2011 at 4:17 am

thank you for your site, its one of the most comprehensive I’ve found so far, but there’s still a BIG gap for me. I miscarried about three weeks ago, disconcordant twins, my first pregnancy ever and one which my husband and I were unbelievably excited about, looking forward to, and loving. Having been a trauma counsellor and written books about dealing with loss and other emotions I’ve had a fair idea of what to expect, been allowing myself to grieve, having days of weeping, writing about it, and one horrible nightmare, and my regula having problems expressing anger, but I always have, and generally experiencing everything as it comes.
The thing I REALLy want to know though is information about the level to which the fluctuation in hormones has an impact, and what kind of impact? Like I’ve for the first time in my life having difficulty going to sleep, and it doesn’t feel like its coming from a place of emotions. Like I keep getting shooting pains in my breasts, and I’m assuming its because they’re adjusting back to their pre-pregnancy state, but I can’t find any information. Like is the fatigue and regular headaches hormone related? And how do I tell the difference between stuff that’s my body just re-adjusting, and things I actually have to worry about?
My bleeding recovery was fine, and I’m still waiting for my first period, sex is fine (in fact great), but really how do I quantify the hormonal impact?

  JetRavenBlack wrote @ February 13, 2011 at 4:09 am

I’m 24 years old. I had my miscarriage in 2006, September 1st to be exact. 28 days before my own birthday. I was just coming to an end on my first trimester, the last check up I had they said my baby was the size of a raspberry. Not a night goes by I don’t cry. I feel just as depressed as when it happened. It’s going on 5 years and I’m afraid it will never get easier. I am a prisoner to depression and grief.

  baby Tsukuba wrote @ March 13, 2011 at 11:59 pm

Hi, I’m 33 yrs old. My hubby and I had been trying very hard to get pregnant but it didn’t happen naturally. We ended up doing IVF instead. The eggs transfer was done on the Feb 16, 2011 and we were so happy that I was finally beginning to feel pregnant for the first time. We were so excited until the doc told us that my hCG level was very low. After the second blood test was taken, my hCG level had improved just a bit but still lower than a normal pregnancy. On the 5th week, I did a urine test at home and it was negative. I couldn’t see the positive line anymore. I was so afraid and devasted. We told our doc and he asked me to come for u/s on my 6 weeks. One day before the u/s I had a very bad stomach ache and cramping. I felt something stabbing underneath my belly button. I went to pass urine and wiped… My heart sank when I saw very faint blood on the tissue paper. I knew that it was going to happen but I didn’t want to believe it. I couldn’t wait for my u/s appointment in the next day and I went to see my doc that afternoon. He scanned me and told me that the embryo will fall when my lining is shedding. My hubby and I put a very brave faces and thought that we accepted the news. Back home we just hugged for a long time and cried and we didn’t talk much about it. On March 12, 2011, I experiened a very bad cramping. I couldn’t breath properly and was lying on bed. 2 hours later I went to wash room to change my panty liner. I was bleeding heavily and a thick red blooded embryo came out from my vagina. I couldn’t help myself anymore I broke down and crying. We didn’t tell our families that we went for an IVF. We buried my undeveloped embryo under a growing manggo tree behind our house. I still questioning myself what went wrong and found myself still crying a lot. I will always remember our first baby and we will always grief for our baby. We try to be positive and we will never give up trying.

  Charlie wrote @ July 6, 2011 at 11:08 pm

I am 37 and slightly more than 2 weeks ago, I discovered and was confirmed of my first pregnancy. I was elated, so did my husband as it was to be our first child. The pregnancy was smooth, symptoms of pregnancy arisen but I was coping well until spotting started happening few days ago. Just yesterday, the bleeding became heavier and I found a huge blood clot slipping out of me uncontrollably. I knew it was gone. I was totally numbed and didn’t know what to think about until my husband sent me to our doctor for a check. I can’t stop crying. Sometimes, I seems to be fine, but weeping non stop at times. Near 7-week baby, gone just like that. Griefing is needed and we’ll always remember this little gift. And we trust that God will bless us with more in the future as He knows best. And we keep, all those who are griefing like we do, in prayers.

  allison wrote @ August 11, 2011 at 9:10 pm

I am 23 my husband and I have been tryin to get pregnant for a while now. I have pcos which makes it harder. I found out I was pregnant when I went to dr for a horriable pain I was having only to find out that the pain was me having a misscarriage. We are so depressed and don’t understand. I take care of myself eat right been takin all the pre natials that I am suppose to and it still happens. I don’t know what todo.. had to explain to my family yes I was pregnant but lost the baby at the same time. I was 5 weeks along and miscarried with my first.

  samtheavy wrote @ June 11, 2012 at 1:49 am

I’m 28 I’ve just had a d&c yesterday. This was our first baby after 7 years of our married. I’m feeling so much pain,lonely and so empty right now. I feel so scare for the next one already.

  precious wrote @ July 22, 2012 at 11:48 am

I just had a miscarriage and this is my 4th one is hard for me because it was twins boys I can’t even forget the pain I just had I’m trying to forget but it had I can just ask my self if people say everything happen for a reason and only god knows but how can god make people to go through this painful experience

  precious wrote @ July 22, 2012 at 11:54 am

On 19 july I was 13 weeks pregnant i just had a miscarriage and this is my 4th one I have pocs is hard for me because it was twins boys I can’t even forget the pain I just had I’m trying to forget but it had I can just ask my self if people say everything happen for a reason and only god knows but how can god make people to go through this painful experience

  andrea wrote @ September 19, 2012 at 9:22 pm

Im 24 i lost my baby a month ago. I was three months . I’m not married or engaged yet. My little Angel was the best thing that happened to me. Knowing i was carrying a little person inside me was very life changing. Me and my boyfriend of three years were ecstatic. I must admit tho i was a little worried about having a baby out of wed lock…but it didn’t matter to me anymore as long as my baby was healthy . Then we went for an emergency checkup because of some spotting and almost an hour later she told me my baby wasn’t in the sac anymore that my baby had stopped growing. I was in disbelief. I was sure she had been mistaken…but as it started to sink in my world slowly turned upside down. I had to have an d&c three days later because my baby was infact still in my belly. after trying to pass my baby naturally at home that’s how my very short journey ended. I’m frustrated, devastated, and lost. I really want to try again but now my boyfriend wants to wait until we are more settled (with money saved and adding another car , being at least engaged or married) i used to want all that to before i thought about having children but now all i can seem to want is to just be pregnant again. I know he’s just wants us to be a little more stable but I’m growing very impatient. I can’t cope with this loss.
For those of you who shared this same hurt and loss I’m truly sorry for you and your families.
There’s nothing else i can think to say for a loss as great as the lives we carried inside us.
Sorry doesn’t even begin to explain how i feel for you who are grieving like me <3

  Munchichic wrote @ November 7, 2012 at 2:26 pm

I am 36 years old. My husband and I are going through a potential divorce, and we don’t know why. He’s been giving me mixed messages and flip flopping with his feelings/communcation all year. We have been together 17 years, married 13. He is active duty Navy and will be retiring next year. I have a severe case of PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and thought I could never get pregnant. I got Mirena 3 1/2 years ago to control heavy, permanent bleeding. On Oct. 14th I was given the usual urine pregnancy test when I was admitted for depression. I didn’t know until discharge a week later that the test was positive. On the day of discharge it was negative.

My husbanfd and I had not done anything since August (he moved out in October), so I must’ve been 8-9 weeks pregnant. I had the strange bleeding on and off, cramps, hot flashes, nausea, increased skin sensitivity, excess pimples and hair on my chin (related to PCOS and high testosterone).

I never had a delivery date or anything as I was not aware I was pregnant until I miscarried. I am in extrreme sorrow and feel devastatingly alone. I told my husband on Sunday in person. While he said it wasn’t my fault and hugged me, he was still very withdrawn from me.

I feel I need his love, support and encouragement to help me through this. I don’t have a reason as to what happened with our marriage. He seems confused and unable or unwilling to communicate it with me. I feel as though I’ve been mourning his death since the end of January. On top of that I have the death of our child to also mourn.

It’s as if my husband wants nothing to do with me. His only “agenda” item he keeps wanting to discuss is a separation agreement. No one else knows about the miscarriage other than my mother. I’m not comfortable telling anyone else right now. My family is urging me to move back home and spend the holidays there. I just can’t face that right now. Can anyone please offer any advice? I will probably never have the chance to conceive again, considering all circumstances. I love my husband dearly and am in great turmoil just dealing with our separation, let alone the miscarriage. I am in counseling and will see a Psychiatrist soon.

All I want to do is be held and loved like my husband has. My family can’t offer that. Why am I being so selfish?

  chloe wrote @ November 24, 2012 at 12:36 am

My husband n I av lived 2gedr 4 10yrs but with no kids, we went 2 different temples and magicians , all 2no avail. This caused frustration and my husband left me alone for another woman. I was so bitter,cried and I even tried to commit suicide, it was by this river bank while trying 2get my self drowned that I met this man.I explained all my problems to him and he laughed and told me to go to internet to search for wiseindividualspell@gmail.com that he will help me solve my problem . At first I taught he was some ritualist or another scammer just wanting to take advantage of my helplessness. He cast the spell and in 3days that he told that the spell will start working my husband came back to me begging and not only that I have my love of 10years back, am also 2months pregnant. I just want 2thank wiseindividualspell@gmail.com this , have always believed there are no real spell casters again,but this great man showed me there is power 2whom power has been given. His name is Dr.Zack Balo from the wiseindividualspell@gmail.com.

  Essa wrote @ April 22, 2013 at 1:19 am

I am 22 years old and out of all my moms kids I was the only one with no children. I had finally gotten pregnant by the guy I love so much. I had all these plans for our future all of a sudden yesterday I started to bleed at 11wks and 1day went to the hospital to find out I was miscarrying. Honestly at first I felt numb I couldnt hear anything around me now I find myself crying in and out of the hours that pass… I know god has a plan but the only thing I can think of is why me…

  courtney wrote @ January 29, 2014 at 10:46 am

I am 19 and I just found out yesterday that I was pregnant and had an early miscarriage:'( my heart is broken and I honestly don’t know what to do, my boyfriend is a great guy he just doesn’t seem to understand the pain my hearts going through. :'(

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