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February 4, 2009 at 11:17 am · Filed under Grief

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www.lonestarboudoir.com

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Winter Blues and Virtual Hugs

January 14, 2009 at 11:18 am · Filed under About Deanna's Book, Miscarriage

So many of you are having a hard time.

I’ve had a four-fold increase in direct emails since the new year began. Heartbreaking stories, difficult moments. Many of you feel so very alone.

I’ve heard women say things that make me so sad that in the ten years since this site began, so little has changed in how we feel about revealing the extent of our grief:

• On Facebook, a woman wrote me thanking me for the private support, but she couldn’t join the Facts about Miscarriage support group because she didn’t want any of her Facebook friends to know she’d lost a baby. (Note that you have to be a member of Facebook–which is free–to see our Facebook group.)
• Via email, another woman felt uncomfortable sharing the name of her baby, as she thought others would think it silly to name her lost child.
• And everywhere, friends tell me how they keep their pregnancies to themselves for months, “just in case.” They don’t want others to know about the baby should they have a miscarriage.

I understand all this. I’ve been in these places, felt these things. But I want, really really want, a world where life CAN be celebrated from the moment it is known to exist. That we CAN tell our friends and family about this devastating loss, and feel loved and supported as we would in any death in the family. That we would NEVER feel guilty or as though we did something wrong, that the miscarriage was our fault.

This year I’m going to work even harder to make this happen. I’m applying for fellowships, trying to find time (and grant money to support me) to finish Baby Dust. I want to get this so visible, so public, so open, that we can change this feeling that we should hide what has happened.

We can’t change the miscarriage rate. This year, like most years, 6 million women (in the US) will get pregnant and almost 1 million of them will lose her baby. We are probably one of the single largest groups that suffers so silently.

I know from your emails, your notes, and your blog posts that you are having a hard time. 2009 isn’t starting off anything like you hoped. But this is a year we will get stronger. We’ll make something out of what has happened to us. And we’ll change things, because our babies, those beautiful little life-lights, live through us.

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Managing the Holidays without Baby

November 26, 2008 at 9:33 am · Filed under Holidays, Miscarriage

Here in the US, we are coming up on another Thanksgiving, and for those of you coming to this site right now, thanks is not something you may feel like giving.

Before I say anything else, I want to assure you: That’s just fine. You don’t have to feel thankful. You don’t have to count your blessings every single moment. You can, when you need, grieve for the holiday you thought you would have, either glowing and pregnant, enduring jokes about eating for two, or with that new baby, walking into relative’s home to the exclamations over the new family member.

Do not feel you have to save face. Do not feel you have to hide how you feel. And if your family gathering involves pregnant women or new babies, this may be the year to volunteer in the kitchen. I always start cutting onions if I can’t control myself, for the concentration and the excuse for tears.

If you find yourself in a tough situation, look around for a sympathetic relative. Maybe it will be the boys, and you can run off with them to watch a football game rather than fuss over the small children. Maybe it will be a forgotten aunt. Take time to really get to know her this year.

Don’t expect that everyone is going to understand. Your sister-in-law might feel slighted if you don’t want to hold her newborn. Walking out of the room during a discussion of what to name a baby might cause a little stir.

SO WHAT.

Try not to get into any confrontations about it. Just smile and make a simple excuse. Plan ahead so you can bow out of uncomfortable moments gracefully by maybe preparing some complicated dish of your own.

Your years will come.  Have faith in that. And while you’re washing dishes or stuck watching UT beat the Aggies, think ahead to that, to your turn, and even if your family thinks you are being dramatic or over emotional, they are your family. You were born into it, and your future babies will be too. Love them even if they don’t understand.

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The Austin Candle Lighting

October 16, 2008 at 6:48 am · Filed under Remembrance Day

Images from the Austin candle lighting for Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day.

I had canceled the event due to rain, but at the meeting time, a rainbow appeared, so I un-canceled it.

 I got to meet people I’d only known through my web site.

Big sisters light candles too.

The park at Palmer Events Center with its amazing lighted fountains was an ideal location — serene and beautiful. We will definitely meet here again next year.

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Light a Candle on Oct. 15

October 14, 2008 at 8:16 pm · Filed under Remembrance Day

It’s time again for Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day. Light a candle on Wednesday, Oct. 15 at 7 p.m. your time to be a part of the continuous wave of light across the world in memory of our babies lost to miscarriage and stillbirth. 

Learn more about Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day, which is recognized in all 50 states, at their web site.

The image here is from our candle lighting from last year. We let floating candles go on Town Lake.

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