Last year I was delighted to discover Faces of Loss. What an amazing web site and crew of women behind it.
Today I found another amazing woman out to get miscarriage and stillbirth out in the open — Debbie Howard. She is directing an independent film called Peekaboo in the UK. They are most of the way through raising the $10K needed to start production, have cast the lead roles, and well, listen to her tell it:
You still have time to contribute to the cause. Filming should begin at the end of February. If you’re looking for something to support in the name of your baby, this might be it. Go do it: http://www.indiegogo.com/Peeka-boo
December 21, 2010 at 12:49 pm · Filed under Holidays
UPDATE: I went ahead and set up a support topic for those who need to find each other over the holiday and talk to other grieving moms-to-be during this very tough time. Feel free to register under any anonymous name, just make sure you can check the email address to validate your registration so you can post and answer posts.
I know from the deluge of mail that this is a hard time of year to be grieving or worried about your pregnancy. Of course it is. You want to be sitting around a fire, sipping hot chocolate, and dreaming of the baby who is on the way.
But you’re not. Maybe you have scary cramps. Or you keep spotting. Maybe a miscarriage is on its way or just happened and you’d rather crawl in a hole than celebrate anything.
JUST DO THE BEST YOU CAN.
Here’s a message left today on the miscarriage symptoms page, and my response. It’s what I hope for each of you–to find that place where you can find joy even amongst pain, fear, and sadness.
From Gemma:
I am 28 and 6 weeks 1 day pregnant, it is my first pregnancy. I took my first pregnancy test a week and two days ago and it read ‘pregnant 1-2weeks’.
On Saturday evening (it’s now Tuesday) I started spotting, and am still spotting now. It varies from brown to pinky brown and back to brown again. I went to the doctors yesterday and he tried to send me for a transvaginal scan but the early pregnancy unit won’t do it until I am eight weeks. He arranged a HCG blood test for yesterday and I have another one tomorrow both of which I should get the results for on Friday.
The bleeding does not appear to be getting any worse, it very rarely touches the pad and is just there when I wipe. But nor is it stopping! I still wee alot and felt nauseous this morning. This morning I took another home test and it said ‘pregnant 2-3weeks’. I am so worried I have cried since Saturday night and have already started grieving for this baby. Friday is Christmas eve and my birthday is Boxing day and I just don’t know how I am going to get through it and cope with the not knowing. I have only had tiny minor cramps which I have had since the day before I found out I was pregnant but I can’t feel them most of the time it’s only when I bend occassionally or my jeans are too tight and dig in and it feels a bit kind of tender. Can anyone give me something positive to think because I think by the time I get my scan on Jan 5th I will have cracked up!!
My response:
I am so sorry you are going through this. It’s painful and so scary. I’ve been there. The not knowing is horrible. You can’t focus on anything else. I understand this.
First, some statistics. 70% of all pregnancies have bleeding. Only 10% miscarry. You are on the safe side of that.
Your blood level is low, but it did increase. That is a good sign. Take every good sign you can get right now.
Here’s what you know right now: You are pregnant. You are expecting something amazing to happen–the birth of your baby. Many parts of this journey will be terrifying (wait until this little one starts driving a car…)
Try to laugh. Try to have hope. And most of all, especially this time of year, try to find peace. You have two choices: Whether this baby is with you for seven weeks or seventy years, you can make each day full of joy, hope, and love. Or you can make it full of fear, grief, and tragedy.
Choose joy for as long as possible. Make every day a celebration. Buy something each day for the baby. Write down your thoughts on your baby constantly.
Love. Hope. It’s what we mothers do. And this way you’ve spent your little one’s life the best way possible. Let January 5 be January 5. Let today be today.
Okay mamas of angel babies, before you go to bed tonight, change your Facebook profile picture to this!
It’s in support of Faces of Loss, and Friday, Oct. 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. If you want to be an official supporter, go to www.iamtheface.org and make your $1 donation, but otherwise, just right-click the image above and “save as” to put on your profile. Or nab another image at http://www.iamtheface.org/?page_id=691. There are supporter badges too, including blue ones. Here’s a pink supporter badge:
Casey Shay Press has made its memorial book a flat $10 and its Angel bumper sticker $1 from now through Oct. 15. US Shipping is only $3.99 for both, but they ship anywhere. Go get yours!
See the book in this video (click on it to see if full screen).
The big day is almost here! Pregnancy and Infant Loss Loss Remembrance Day is Friday, Oct. 15. Remember to light your candle from 7 p.m. to 8 p.m. your time to participate in the International Wave of Light. Check to see if there is a public candle lighting or walk in your area by visiting the official web site.
Once again I have designed labels for the candles I give to the families who come to the lighting I host here in Austin, Texas (which is Friday, Oct. 15 from 6:45 to 8 p.m. at the pond in Butler Park, which is behind the Long Center on Riverside Drive. Find us by our candles.)
If you are hosting a candle lighting (or just lighting on your own) and would like to use this label for votives, feel free to right-click the single label below and “Save picture as.” It is designed for standard address labels, Avery 8160. It does not have to be printed in color. It looks good in black and white too.
I have also uploaded a Microsoft Word document that is a whole page of these labels, ready to print on Avery 8160 or compatible address labels. Download that HERE.
Here are the final votives and how they turned out. You can get little candles like these for about $5 a dozen.
Blessings to all of you who will mark this day for your lost babies.
At this site you will find information and a place to come in your dark and frightened hours. The special features of the site are listed in the next column, as well as topics ranging from causes of miscarriage, to prevention, to when to try again for a new pregnancy.
A Reminder:
The only person who can really tell you what is happening to you is your own doctor, who peers into you with a light and a speculum, who samples your blood or urine, or who presses a sonogram paddle into your belly. If you are in trouble, bleeding, scared, or more depressed than you think you can handle on your own, you must find help. Read and research all you can, but remember that the one-on-one assistance of a real doctor is the only thing that will give you answers that count. If you don't like or trust your doctor, then find one you can.
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Cradle, Broken Heart
