First Trimester Stories

Cassandra’s Story

My pregnancy began under fairly stressful conditions. I had undergone surgery to remove endometriosis, and my OB/Gyn encouraged me to start a family soon because endometriosis almost always worsens over time. My partner and I started trying to conceive. Two cycles later we felt blessed when we were pregnant! My pregnancy preceded normally, mild morning sickness, tiredness and breast tenderness. I also felt intermittent period like cramping which I called about and was told not to worry. I booked my first prenatal for the 11th week, although this seemed late to me.During my 7th week I noticed that my breasts were not growing larger as quickly as they had. In my 9th  week I felt very ill and had diarrhea and a general feeling that was not good.  The next day I started spotting bright red blood. I was terrified although I knew that many pregnancies had spotting and was considered almost normal.I went to the ER for evaluation and treatment.  We were seen very quickly and the doctor did a pelvic exam. The news was good. My cervix was closed and the hormone levels right.  I requested an ultrasound but was told it would be inconclusive. I was told to go home and have bed rest for four days.

We went straight home and to bed, and I stayed there which seemed to help, as the bleeding grew darker and eventually almost stopped. I called my OB’s office first thing Monday morning. The receptionist said that sounded good but to come in for a follow up the next day. 

The next day, my OB told me that I was probably miscarrying.  My hormone levels were actually low and the only way to confirm the miscarriage was an ultrasound that should have been performed at the hospital.

As soon as we got home I went for a long walk with my dog to encourage the miscarriage to start. I did not know if that was the best thing to do but had been left without any instructions.  I decided quickly that I wanted this to occur naturally if possible as I had already had surgery less than six months earlier.  With in a few moments of walking the bleeding started with mild cramping. It felt very much like a period.  I ended up vacuuming my house and tidying up, as I wanted to keep moving to encourage things along. Approximately 4 hours after the ultrasound the heavy bleeding and cramping pain began. It was very painful and the cramps made me “huff huff” with my breath.  They seemed to come regularly every two minutes or so and lasted for about a minute and I could usually feel large amounts of tissue and blood pass. Approximately 20 minutes into this I felt very cold and “shaky” and vomited. I called my partner during this stage as I was very scared and wanted to go to the ER.

We ended up waiting in a crowded waiting room for over four and a half hours.  This was a very trying time as babies and pregnant women surrounded us.  I tried not to show any feelings, didn’t cry, and we kept walking around the hospital to keep things going.  I soon needed a change of pads and asked the nurse for one as well as what the baby might look like.  She was kind and told me it would look like blood clots, probably no baby to be seen. I asked her if I should save what I passed because I had read in books to do that and she said no, just to come and tell her. I felt better and went to the washroom to change and saw what I felt was the fetus–it did look like a blood clot, the size and shape of a bean with white bits showing here and there.  Approximately a half hour later I was overwhelmed with this panicky sensation that I did not want to leave my baby in the garbage can.  This lasted for quite awhile. My partner reasoned with me that the garbage had already been changed and it was okay to feel that way but there were no other options.

Towards the end of the four-hour wait after watching people who looked less ill than me go into the treatment area I started crying and it was hard to get myself under control again. Twenty minutes later we had a room and shortly after that we saw the doctor. My boyfriend remarked I should have done that two hours earlier.When the doctor came into the room, he did a pelvic exam and said that he was pretty sure I had passed all the remains as I had stopped bleeding by then, so we could go home and follow up with our OB.  I asked if I needed the D&C or if it was okay to wait it out naturally.  He said it was probably fine at this point but to follow up with my doctor the next day and not eat anything until I spoke with him just in case.I felt groggy and weak, so I called my OB. He said this was a common occurrence and if I felt okay I could rest for a few days and follow up with him in two weeks.  I felt uncomfortable with that but agreed and hung up.The next day I felt ill and tired and just horrible.  I called my OB and told the receptionist I thought I needed an ultrasound.  By the next morning the cramps were almost unbearable so we went to the emergency room.  The doctor said it was old blood (it wasn’t) and put me on antibiotics and to follow up with my OB, the one I could never get a hold of.  I did the ultrasound that afternoon although this time they would not release the results, but promised to send them to my OB.The cramping and bleeding worsened until I passed a lot of tissue in the late afternoon. It was frightening and painful but I guess I knew what the ultrasound had said.  I could not get hold of my doctor and could just not face going back to the ER. My antibiotics were making me ill so I stopped taking them.  I tried all week to get in touch with my OB because I was frightened and missing classes and needed a letter from him.

On Friday I went and saw him and finally got my ultrasound results (a full week later). I told him about the tissue I passed and handed him a list of questions he hadn’t been available to answer.  He said that I probably was fine and answered my questions. At the end of the visit he said “I’ll see you when you are pregnant again,” which really hurt me. I felt the entire time I was left to go through this on my own.

I wish this were the end of the story, but a full month later I learned from my general practitioner that I still had pregnancy hormones and he thought there was retained tissue from my miscarriage. He then referred me to a different OB/Gyn at my request for follow up. I was desperately trying to catch up in a hard computer course at college and began fearing I would have to drop out entirely.

My new OB/Gyn was very kind and understanding. He gave me a full exam, an ultrasound and then performed a D&C in his office to remove the fetal sac that was remaining. He also talked to me and Adam about the problems with our medical community that we had been exposed to. The D&C was horrible and  VERY painful because I do not respond well to local anesthetic. It was very quick, though, and although it left me feeling pretty yucky, sore and emotional all over again for almost two weeks, it was necessary. At my follow up appointment a week later an exam and blood work looked good so we can finally put this behind us. We plan to start trying to conceive again after two cycles and this time will have an excellent OB/Gyn to support us during whatever the future holds. We hope that is a healthy pregnancy ending with a healthy baby.

What I have learned from this experience is to take charge of your own health, even though it is very hard to do so during a time of crisis. Feel free to demand good care if you feel you are not receiving it.

Cassandra

 

Mel’s Story

Our first pregnancy started out on a great note. We conceived the first time we tried, and we knew how lucky we were that “it worked.”   

In between six and seven weeks I started spotting. The doctor advised me that, as a precaution, I should stay home from work and relax for a couple of days but not to worry because any brown spotting is not dangerous and was, in fact, very common.

On Saturday morning I stood up but had a very intense cramp that was strong enough for me to have to sit down again. After a few seconds it went away, and I went to the washroom. When I got there all I could see was blood, bright red blood everywhere. I immediately screamed for my husband to come and help. He called the hospital and told them what was happening and to see if I would have to wait a long time to be seen if we came in. They said that if it was a miscarriage that they couldn’t help me anyway so I would most likely have to wait. We decided to get in the car and drive to a neighboring small town because we knew we would be seen right away. On the way there I felt two big gushes of blood come out of me.

The doctors saw me right away and did an internal exam. He said my cervix was still closed, however, it was not as tight as he thought it should be. He said he felt that I was indeed having a miscarriage, that there was nothing they could do to stop it, and, unfortunately, I would have to wait to see my own doctor and order an ultrasound on Monday. On Monday I had to go in alone. They would not let my husband come in with me. I told the technician what happened on the weekend and that she wouldn’t find anything because I’d already lost the baby. A few minutes later she said, “Did the doctor say you had a miscarriage?” I told her yes.

Then she said, “Well, You’re still pregnant!”

I asked her if it could have been twins and I lost one. She said that is rare but it is a possibility. Since, I hadn’t had an ultrasound earlier, I had no proof that I’d been pregnant with twins.

The rest of the pregnancy was difficult, but on July 22, Kathleen Marie was born. I wouldn’t understand that I had indeed lost a twin until the next pregnancy.

A year and a half later We became pregnant again. When I was 14 weeks pregnant, I started spotting (brown, just like before). The doctor said not to worry. I was the right size, everything felt fine, I was feeling pregnant and being sick so not to worry.

Christmas Eve morning I woke up to bright red bleeding. I immediately called the doctor and said “I’m coming in and I AM HAVING AN ULTRASOUND TODAY — I DON’T CARE WHAT DAY IT IS. I AM NOT GOING THROUGH THREE DAYS OF UNCERTAINTY AGAIN.”

I went for an ultrasound, again they would not let my husband come in, and the technician would not let me look so I knew that was a bad sign. They could not see a heartbeat or a “fetus.” He said that the fetus had probably died several weeks before, but my body had continued to think I was pregnant and continued to nourish a placenta. He said we could schedule a D&C or I could wait and hope it happened on its own. I was terrified of the thought of a D&C and it was Christmas, besides I thought of what happened the first time and so we opted to wait.

On Boxing Day, just before dinner, I started getting some cramping and the bleeding had gotten worse. I figured this was par for the course so I didn’t say anything to our hosts (who up until then had avoided the topic like the plague anyway.) While we were eating, I began to realize that these cramps were happening at regular intervals and that they had gradually gotten worse. I then said to my husband, “I’m in labor.”

Things progressed to the point where I was having to do ‘labor breathing’ in order to get through each contraction. The bleeding all at once started to get much heavier so I thought we’d better go to the hospital. I had a contraction that had lasted about 45 minutes with no let up, and I was in tears with the pain. It was unbearable.

In a matter of seconds, this long, unbearable contraction climaxed (for a brief second or two) and ended. Immediately I felt three huge gushes which, in an instant, threw me back to sitting in the bathroom some two years before. It was exactly the same sensation. I said to my husband, “Oh my God, this is it. This is exactly the same. We’ve lost another one.”

There’s no way they can tell me that my first pregnancy wasn’t twins. That big cramp and the gushes were the same!

Once inside the hospital I was examined and as I stood up so that I could change my blood-soaked clothes, I could feel a big ‘something’ coming out of me. I couldn’t control myself any longer. I thought for sure it was the baby coming out and I was bawling. I could see a ‘clot’ about the size of the palm of my hand before the doctor whisked it away to pathology. She later told me that it was most likely the placenta.

We were told to wait three months until we try again. I wanted to try right away because I think that having another baby is the only thing that will make me feel better. Because I now know that I’ve lost two babies already, I am seeing a OB/Gyn to monitor me more closely. He has guaranteed me that we will start earlier ultrasounds next time I get pregnant so that if there are any problems we know right away. I probably be terrified anyway, but at least I’ll be able to see the baby progress on the screen and have some sense of peace.

We have named our two babies and my husband and I each wear a pendant with their initials on it, and we will plant something in the spring to remind us of them. We now hold onto our belief that we have two very special angels that we will see some day.

Mel

Mother of Kelly and Gabriel

Update: Mel had another healthy baby in January 2001 and a third in November 2003.

Feel free to add your First Trimester Story in the comments to share your experiences with other women and help us learn about the many ways we endure and cope with our loss.

100 Comments »

  Julie wrote @ January 15, 2008 at 1:51 pm

In October we were so excited to see the second line on the pregnancy test! We were expecting our second baby. Jacob would be a big brother. 2 days later I took another test, still positive! I called my ob to get an appointment and they saw me that day. Everything was great. I scheduled my first ultrasound for about 2 weeks later. We ordered a t-shirt for Jacob to tell everyone. We planned to tell them on thanksgiving. In my ultrasound they had trouble seeing the baby so she asked if she could do a transvaginal ultrasound. I was fine with that but really nervous. After a minute she turned the screen to me so I could see the heart beat. A sigh of relief! They said our due date may be off and I could talk to the doctor about it at my next visit which was 2 weeks away. We told everyone on Thanksgiving day. They were all so excited. I went to my next check up and asked about my ultrasound and due date and also about my blood work results. the Midwife told me she didn’t have either and they found it was sent to a different site. They would have them in a day or two and I could call then. Everything looked fine though so far. She did tell me I might not be able to travel to my brothers out of state wedding which I was really bummed about! I called a few times and they still didn’t have my results. Then I finally got a call telling me that my ultrasound had been lost due to computer problems and I could come in the next day for an ultrasound for dating and they offered me a free 3D ultrasound later in my pregnancy. I was so excited about both. That night while relaxing in a warm bath I had some back pain and two pains that felt like mild contractions. Then that ended I didn’t think much of it. Again the tech had trouble seeing the baby and asked to do a transvaginal. Again I was concerned being that I should have been around 10 weeks! But since everything was fine the first time I tried to stay calm. After a minute or 2 she asked me to sit up. I knew exactly what she was going to say. There was no heart beat! Our baby had died. We met with a doctor a few minutes later and she discussed our options. We opted for a D&E because it was so close to Christmas and I wanted it to be over so I could enjoy Christmas. The procedure was not bad and I only had pain for a few days and then I was fine. The bleeding stopped after 2 weeks. I am not awaiting my periods to begin so we can begin trying again soon. We named our baby Jaidon. It means God hears. We will plant a tree in the spring. I know someday God will once again bless us with another child. I will never forget Jaidon though.

  Annemarie wrote @ January 16, 2008 at 1:38 am

My husband and I were planning to start trying for our first baby on our Christmas holiday in the mountains.

A week into the holiday I realised that my period is 2 weeks late and my breast are very tender. We went to the shops and bought a test which was positive. We were so excited as I got pregnant earlier that we planned.

The next day we went to the local doctor for a blood test and later that day he phoned me and said it is positive. It was the 18th of December that we found out and I was already 5.5 weeks pregnant. We decided to go home earlier but home was 1500km away and we planned to travel over 2 to 3 days. On the 20th we left our holiday destination and started on the long journey home. The first night we stayed at a bed and breakfast. I started to feel mild cramping on the right side of my pelvis and towards my lower back. I also started to feel cold.

I decided to take a warm relaxing bath and I took some vitamin C. My husband gave me a back massage and I felt much better. The next morning I woke up and I just started crying for no reason. I phoned my mother and told her I am pregnant over the phone. She told me to stay there for one more night until I feel better and up for the ride. After I spoke to her I felt better and we decided to leave.

About 70 km into the rural part of Africa (transkei), the pain started again. Luckily we saw a little village and I asked my husband to stop there so I could stretch my legs and go to the toilet. in the toilet I just saw blood. I got such a fright and I phoned my mother right away. She told me to keep my legs up and drive back to the little town where we stayed and go to the local doctor immediately.

The doctor send me to a little private hospital (we have medical aid) and they were very helpful. They did an ultra sound and saw nothing in my uterus but they saw a lot of fluid at my right fallopian tube. The doctor who did the ultra sound send me to the gyn and he said it looks like a tubal pregnancy and I am bleeding internally. (that is why I have the fluid). He said he will have to do a Laporoscopy immediately. The cramping just got worse and worse and they booked me into the hospital.

I had breakfast in the morning so we had to wait until 6 hours after that before they could give me the general anesthetic. I was lying in the fetal position and they gave me an injection for the pain. After 10 minutes the pain got better. At 14:00 in the afternoon they came to take me for the surgery. The doctor told me that I will probably loose my right tube but he will do anything he can to save it. I prayed and prayed and prayed. He was such a good and friendly doctor and he held my hand until I fell asleep.

When I woke up for the first time I can remember, it was already 19:00. My husband was sitting beside my bed and he told me that I still had my tube and ovaries and that the doctor said he has never seen anything like it before. The fluid wasn’t blood but it was some sort of milky fluid and nothing raptured. Everything looked 100% and he drained the fluid and send it in for tests. He said it looked like some kind of inflammation or a cyst but he can only really tell me what it was in 10 days after he recieved the test results.

The doctot said I could go home as soon as I feel wide awake and as soon as I went to the toilet. As I stood up, the blood gushed out of me and the whole bed was also full of blood. They phoned the doctor and he prescribed me pills to stop the bleeding and told the staff that I should stay in the hospital until the morning. My blood pressure dropped and after they cleaned my bed, I went back to sleep.

The next morning I felt much better. My husband came to pick me up and we stayed in Port Edward for 2 more days. On the 24th of December we started the long journey home. We arrived on the 25th of December and had Christmas with my parents. I was on very strong antibiotics that made me very sick and I lost a lot of weight (Not that I can afford it).

My follow up appointment at my own gyn was on the 4th of January. He received all the test results from the gyn that did the operation. The results were very good. Everything is normal, it wasn’t a tubal pregnancy, it was a normal miscarriage. The fluid was a huge cyst that he removed. My gyn took blood tests to test for the pregnancy hormones and he did an ultra sound. Everything looked normal and the blood tests were 1. So no more pregnancy hormones. He told me that we could start trying right away but it is best to wait until my normal cycle start.

I still feel sad sometimes and I think about the baby I lost every day. I am just so grateful that it wasn’t a tubal pregnancy and that we get to have another chance.

  Julie wrote @ January 21, 2008 at 4:17 pm

I am 17 and found out that i was pregnant. I would not tell my mom for the life of me. I went to planned parenthood and they told me that i could go to the courthouse and fill out a paper and talk to a judge and most likely he would grant me permission to have an abortion without my mother knowing. I did all of that and he granted me permission because i made up some horrible story about my boyfriend being in jail and how my mom would kick me out of the house. I had the abortion scheduled 3 days from the day i started bleeding. I got scared and i thought i was having a miscariage. I had really bad cramps to. It was my first trimester miscarriage and since i could not let my mom know i was going to have it natural. I spent hours online and this site was the one i always came back to. I went to every sight trying to find out if it was safe to have a natural miscariage and what would happen in the process of it. Well i had a miscariage and although i am unbelievably sad. I think it was gods way of not making me commit a sin of abortion, but letting me know that i am not ready to have a child.

  Kris wrote @ January 31, 2008 at 2:40 pm

I am glad to see these postings here. You can find lots of information about the psychological aftermath of a miscarriage, but very little information about what to expect of the process itself. I have had two first trimester miscarriages, and felt like there was very little practical information or support available from the medical community or anywhere else. They pretty much just tell you to go home, wait it out, expect some cramping, and call if you’re bleeding profusely. They should say WHEN your’re bleeding profusely. They don’t tell you it’s going to be like childbirth in miniature, complete with contractions, broken water, and yes, a whole lot of bleeding. It’s so hard to tell whether you should just stay home and possibly pass out from blood loss in your bathroom or go to the ER and quite possibly have the miscarriage in a waiting room chair. After my second miscarriage, a friend of mine was told she was starting a miscarriage herself, and called to ask what it would be like. I told her that mine were worse than they had warned me of, but that maybe they were unusual, because you never hear of this stuff in the baby books and web pages. But sure enough, a few days later she went through the exact same process. She was scared, but grateful to have known ahead of time that what she was going through was what was supposed to happen. So anyway, y’all keep talking about it – you could help somebody when they really need it.

  Keri wrote @ February 8, 2008 at 1:37 pm

February 8, 2008

I have two beautiful boys, ages 3 and 1 and have been very, very blessed. My husband and I decided that we would not try for a third, seeing that the odds of having the girl I hoped for were slim, and the physical, mental and financial strain of more children would be a bit much for us.

My story of loss began on the 29th of Jan when I believed I was getting my period, right on schedule. Things progressed normally until Feb 1st when I began bleeding heavily. After a call to my OB and discussing the possibility of pregnancy (which my husband and I believed to be nil) my OB advised me to begin taking Aleve and BCP’s as well as bed rest to alleviate the heavy period I was experiencing. I also scheduled an appointment for the 11th of Feb to have everything checked out. To make a very long story short, the bleeding and passing of large clots continued off and on for several days. I continued to stay in contact with my OB and follow their advice, to stay in bed and keep my appointment on the 11th. On Wed, the 6th, after beginning to bleed and pass clots again, I passed out on the way back to bed from the toilet. My husband and I went to the ER where blood tests and ultrasound confirmed that I was indeed pregnant and was experiencing a miscarriage. I was transferred up to med/surg and awaited my turn in the OR for a D&C. While waiting, I passed several more large clots, which made for a very simple procedure, as I had actually passed most everything naturally while waiting for the OR.

My feelings are incredibly mixed. I did not know I was pregnant until I was no longer…I’m sure I haven’t really had time to feel anything yet. The hardest thing for me was we are still not planning on having any more children. This pregnancy, which was indeed unplanned, would most certainly have been welcomed with as much love as my two boys receive on a daily basis. We are not planning to try again…so I am not sure where to go from here to heal…will I always feel as if I have been cheated. I was given a gift for only minutes…and the experience leading up to the news was less than enjoyable. I know there is no way to change the past, but without trying again, is there anyway to improve the future???

  Kelli wrote @ April 13, 2008 at 11:35 pm

I never thought that I would ever write on a site like this. Currently, I have 2 children with pretty much normal pregnancies. I spotted a little with the first but found out it was implantation bleeding. However, my pregnancy this year was totally different. When I found out that I was pregnant (March 15) I was excited. I couldn’t wait to post the information on MySpace and break the news to the whole world. So I did. I was alarmed that my body lacked symptoms of being pregnant. I did have a little tenderness in my breast but no nausea. With my first 2 pregnancies I was nausea with the first child and had vomiting episodes with my second child. However, I tried to remain optimistic. I constantly tried to remind myself that every pregnancy was different. It was hard for me because I read that women who didn’t experience nausea were most likely to miscarry than those who do. I just blew it off and hoped that I would be one of the small % of women who don’t experience morning sickness.
Unfortunately on April 3, I started to spot after being with my husband. I didn’t think much of it because I wanted to believe that it was implantation bleeding. I wasn’t alarmed until days later when I noticed that I was bleeding a slow constant flow. By Wed April 9, the flow was like a heavy period. I went to the hospital and was told that my cervix was closed and I should be ok. However the bleeding continued. When I went to my Ob doc the next day, he told me that I had a 50/50 chance of having a mc. I could tell by the look on his face that he probably believed it to be more of a 90/10. A few hours after going home I mc’d……………….. It is Monday 4/14 and mentally I am in so much pain. I know that it is a possibility that something was wrong with the embryo that caused the mc but it still hurts. My pain is making me want to try again to conceive immediately. But deep in my heart, I know it won’t replace the one that I lost. I also know that my next pregnancy will be clouded with the fears. I honestly don’t know what to do. All I want to do is cry right now……………….

Kelli

  Becky wrote @ May 27, 2008 at 10:57 pm

I found out I was pregnant in April after six months of trying. I was so excited, and my husband was too after the initial shock wore off. :) I told my family right away, and they were also excited (this was the first grandchild for my parents). I was pretty nervous about miscarriage all along, so my OB gave me an ultrasound at my intro appointment (almost 5.5 weeks). All we could see was the gestational sac, which made me more nervous although they said it was normal.

I came back in two weeks for another ultrasound. My OB was great about wanting to reassure me. At that point we saw the baby and even heard and saw the heartbeat. This made me feel sooo much better after reading how much the risk of m/c decreases after hearing the heartbeat. They told me I was ten days behind what I thought, which made me suspicious (I’m like clockwork), but I figured they knew best.

I had my first midwife appointment scheduled for 10 weeks (or 8.5 weeks on the new schedule). The midwife was so nice and we had a great appointment. We had to come back for an u/s later that day. I knew something was wrong as soon as I saw the image on the screen. It was completely still, and I immediately knew it was gone. The tech didn’t say anything the whole time, and my husband just thought she was rude. She pulled the heartbeat image up for just a second and it showed nothing. She gave us pictures and sent us to the midwife’s office, my husband still thinking all was well, and me thinking I was just being negative.

The midwife walked in and said, “This is not good.” She told us the baby died probably a few days before and I’d had a “missed miscarriage.” She was very kind and understanding. She said I didn’t have to decide what to do then, so I said I wanted to wait a week and see what happened. By some miracle I didn’t cry; I barely held it in and just said “uh huh, okay” to everything she said. I did cry later that night, but for most of the day my husband and I were just stunned. I felt angry at the baby mostly, and for a few minutes I was angry at God for having let me get so excited. Then I just prayed for Him to get it out of me. I was obviously a wreck that night!

That night I had a dream that I miscarried naturally and it was horrible. I decided during the dream to have a D&C, and I woke up feeling almost completely better. I called the OB office to tell them my decision and they scheduled it for me for four days later. I felt almost back to normal that day, and by the next day I wasn’t even sad, just slightly disappointed but ready to get it over with. I was really disturbed every time I thought about the dead baby inside me. My parents came to visit for a night and we had a really good time despite the reason for the visit.

Two days before the D&C I started spotting. It was very, very slight and brown. The OB said on the phone that it was normal and to continue with the plan. I began to have lower back pain off and on, but nothing serious. I also noticed that my pregnancy symptoms had decreased in the few days before discovering the miscarriage, but I had attributed them to other things or hadn’t noticed it.

I had my D&C today and it went great. The worst part by far was the IV because I hate needles. The staff were incredibly kind and patient with me and my stressed husband. When I was finally being taken to the OR, one minute I was awake, and the next minute I was waking up in recovery. The procedure was very short and I felt great afterward. I am bleeding but not much so far. I feel so relieved and happy to finally have this over with. I feel like myself again, and I feel so grateful that this happened the way that it did. I had a long weekend to deal with the miscarriage and surgery, I got to see my family, and I didn’t have to live through panic and pain like I would if we hadn’t discovered it through the u/s.

On a last note, I think people have been worried because I’m not devastated and crying about this. I think part of it is that all along I somehow knew this was coming (especially when they said I was ten days behind). I honestly thought miscarriage would be horrible, but I just see it as a momentary failure with many chances for success ahead. I think making a plan to get this over with as quickly and painlessly as possible helped me. If, God forbid, this happens to you, don’t be afraid of the D&C. I was at first, but for me it was definitely the least traumatic way to deal with my miscarriage. Also, don’t feel weird if you are less upset than you or others expect. There are others of us out here!

  Christine wrote @ June 5, 2008 at 9:57 pm

I found out I was pregnant in April after trying for just three months. I was so excited and shocked that it happened so quickly. I told my husband that night and he was thrilled. I was completely naive and didn’t even think about miscarriage. I am very healthy and my mother never had a miscarriage, so I reasoned with myself that there was no way I was going to have one.
I made an appointment with my OB for 10 weeks into the pregnancy. At seven and a half weeks, I noticed spotting. I called the doctor and they said it was normal and to only call back if it turned bright red, like a period. Two days later it did. I went into the doctor for an ultrasound, but nothing showed up on the screen. The midwife told me the baby had likely died earlier on in the pregnancy. She ordered me to have my hcG levels taken so they could track them down to zero.
The first day that I went to have my levels taken, I was surrounded by very pregnant women and infants. It was all I could do to not break down crying. The following weeks I felt emotionally stronger, but the first week was so tough. I felt hopeless, and also upset that my husband was hurting too. Knowing that it wasn’t just my pain, but also that of the person I love most in the world was difficult.
To make things harder, I had to tell people who didn’t know I was pregnant that I had miscarried. I didn’t tell my parents, but they were visiting the weekend that I began to miscarry. I knew I couldn’t keep a brave face and told them. My husband told his family. Everyone was supportive but the last thing I wanted to hear was people telling me how sorry they were.
In one instance, I was out with a friend and she told me she had just gotten off the pill and that she and her husband were going to start trying to get pregnant. I then told her I had miscarried, and she got mad at me for not telling her I was pregnant in the first place. I thought that was such a selfish response. Also, I wish she hadn’t told me that she was off the pill at all. I can see myself getting jealous if she gets pregnant before I do again, and I don’t like that I will feel that way.
I just got my period a couple of days ago. It was a reminder of losing my baby. But, it’s also a reminder that I can start trying again soon.

  Nicole wrote @ June 29, 2008 at 1:07 pm

My story begins with my first pregnancy. My husband and I were thrilled to find out we were pregnant with our first child in May 2002. The pregnancy was going well until I spotted slightly. After panicking and running to a walk-in clinic. I was told early bleeding is very common and not too worry. Hubby and I were satisfied with this response. We continued planning this pregnancy with the purchase of a new crib. Two days later came the ultrasound. I was quickly informed that my husband was not allowed to enter the room. At this point, I was 13 weeks pregnant. It turned out I had a molar pregnancy which devastated me. Not only was my health in danger, but I also had to wait a complete year before attempting to conceive again. A D&C was performed and I had no health problems afterwards. It was a very long year of crying and depression. Very difficult on a couple who just got married.

We were thrilled to find out we were pregnant again with our son who was born in 2006. What a joy!

Pregnancy number three was confirmed in May 2008…on Mother’s Day…how perfect! Thinking nothing could go wrong, our news was announced to everyone. Had lots of symptoms, especially nausea in the evening. At 10 weeks started the dark brown spotting, sometimes a watery pink. Rushed to the ER where an u/s was performed. A fetus was detected in the uterus with a strong fetal hearbeat. Thank God! The spotting had stopped immediately just to start again two weeks later.

Another u/s was performed and I knew it was not going to be good news. They used a transvaginal ultrasound, which was not needed before. The technician said nothing and told me to follow up with my doctor. It has been 5 days and no results yet. However, I started to bleed bright red with lots for cramps. Friday night, I woke up with terrible cramps and passed several large clots and a lot of blood. The cramping then subsided. I was sure the miscarriage was done. Saturday night came terrible cramps, which can only be described as labor. They started at 10 pm and by 3 AM, I felt the urge to push. I went to the washroom and a clot the size of a baseball came out of me. The pain was finally over; the physical pain that is. Thank goodness for sites like these. I was able to read up about miscarriages therefore preparing me for what was to come. I will be seeing my OB in the next few days. In the meantime, the bleeding is similar to a period and no more cramping. Maybe we will try again…time will tell.

  anci from melbourne wrote @ July 11, 2008 at 10:43 pm

I am Rh neg blood type. Who would have ever thought that we could write about our “nightmares”. I am someone who has been unwell for more than five years constant illnesses like bartolini, ovarian cyst, polyps in uterus.
I had Laparascopy june 2007, hysterescopy procedure removal uterus polyps on 16 March 2008. Shortly after procedure I had a small bleeding but it stopped.
On 14 April 2008 as I can remember I had a period but for 2,3 days.i m not sure
In may june 2008 i had no period.
on 14 june i did 2 pregn test turned positive
and 2 blood tests in which i had hcg 46000 and on 30 june 2008 36000.
2 Ultrasound results showed empty sac.
At 7 weeks and 2 days
one more U/s was done on 30 june same results.
On 30 june 2008 at 1.45 I had an appointment with Gyn for reg. check up and during waiting in the hospital i began having cramps and small bleeding started. Day before i had a cramps in my breast and little brown spotting and little pain.
During examination on 30/june 2008 doctor said that it is M/C less than 8 weeks into pregnancy and D/C must be done and everything in uterus must go outside and must be clean
They moved me into ER in Sandrigham hospital Melbourne Australia where I was under great and good care of doctors Cassidi and Neta and they told me that I could have two choices
conservative management to go home and to wait for natural complete M/c or
to do D/c that night at 9p.m.
They told me to come back to the ER if I continue having heavy bleeding for more than 2 3 days. So I went home and on MONDAY 30 June night, 1/07/2008 as I was sleeping I could feel cramps in small rituals and they were coming regularly with heavy bleeding. I Was cold too. I wrap my self into warm blanket and spend that night in horror. The bleeding made me to wake up every one hour to change and by the early morning i had 4 aspirins for pain. Next morning I woke up with less pain and smaller bleeding I was fine from 9 till 12 pm tuesday 1 july 08. Around 1 p.m. small thing like blood cloth around 1 cm came out of me when i went to toilet.
I did not throw this thing in garbage I put it in a plastic bag and into a freezer and later on i will plant a tree as that thing is a dead embryo.
Later the same day around 4 p.m.i had a shivering, cramps very heavy cramps and pain and almost could not stand to go to toilet i somehow managed to go to toilet. I had emptied everything i had before all food.
I had a cold fever, almost cold sweating and was thinking i need to go to ER again.
My parents had a nightmare dream that i am in pain and they call me and they yell at me you need to go to hospital. You CAN DIE…
Dobry my partner with whom i could not stay pregnant for more than 24 months due to previous ovarian cyts and polyps which were removed, and is so anxious to have family, drove me to Sunshine hospital at 7 pm 1 july 2008.
In Hospital they examined me and they found a not so large sac around 4 5 cm and got that thing from cervix. So in the less 24 hours i had expelled everything naturally and they send me home at 1 a.m and gave me referral for new U/S TO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS COMPLETED
complete M/c if it is not than i will need d/c.
wedn. 2 july until 12 july 2008 i have’t had any heavy bleeding few drops and i started eating and feeling my self again.
During previous two three months i felt tired, so sleepy, have throw out few times in the morning and at night and was very very exhausted.
Gain weight too.
today 12 july 2008 i had a follow up U/s and on tuesday i am going for results.
on the u/s they saw only small bood clots hopefuly will go..
Did i stay pregnant too early after hysterescopy which was uterus polyps removal in march 2008?
As i did not have periods 2 3 months..
Three months after hysterescopy i had a complete M/c .
this is my first pregnancy.
Now i will try exercise and healty eating even though in previous 3 months after hysterescopy i was resting most of the time. So that means if pregnancy is wrong M/c is natural way of cleaning something that is not natural and good.
hopefully things will be better soon.
keep trying and hoping i will never get this illness as less than 35 y.o.

  Gina wrote @ July 14, 2008 at 3:36 pm

I cannot believe some of the stories I have read that offer hope for all. I am happy to hear some of the good endings. On May 5, after only two months of trying to conceive naturally, my husband and I found out I was pregnant. I am 43, he is 45. We were ecstatic to say the least. We made the mistake of telling our parents, I told some close colleagues as well. We felt it must be meant to happen. Unfortunately, by the time I went back for my second set of HCG numbers, the second number had dropped in half instead of doubling. I was told that I would miscarry but no idea exactly when. So, I waited. I had no idea what to expect. I waited for three days. On 5/10, I felt intense pressure, and period type cramps. Then, the bleeding began with intense cramps and the passing of tissue for most of the evening and throughout the next few days. I was four weeks, 6 days. I mc naturally. I was amazed at the physical progress; however, my mental progress was much slower. I grieved and planted a rose bush for my lost angel. This was my first pregnancy. It was very difficult. I have waited 2 cycles and plan on trying again this month.

  Anna wrote @ August 14, 2008 at 1:52 pm

I have 2 healthy, beautiful boys and had no problems during those pregnancies. My husband and I decided that we wanted a third and last one.
In 2007 I easily became pregnant and we were ecstatic. During our first ultrasound at 6 weeks the technician could not find a heartbeat but I was not worried at all and just thought it was too early. Over the next week my midwife monitored my hCG levels which were not increasing as much as they should. Waiting for the third and final hCG test which (I understood) would define if the baby had died or not was excruciating. I was told the results would be back the next morning and waited all day, not able to eat or function properly, not knowing if the baby inside me was dead or alive. Finally by 3pm worried that the office would close and I would have to wait all weekend before hearing anything I called and asked if someone from the office could please call me to give me the results. I got a phone call from the midwife who had ordered the tests complaining to me that she had to be calling me on her day off and gave me absolutley no sympathy!! She coldly told me the levels had not increased signigicantly but it didn’t mean anything and I had to have an ultrasound in 3 days time to tell anything. Her unprofessionalism and lack of human kindness still makes me angry today! I think a lot of medical people don’t consider what is inside you during the first trimester as a baby, but I definitely did, I had made plans, I talked to my baby, it was a part of my family already.

I ultimately had an ultrasound at about 8-9 weeks that showed that the fetus had not grown and there was still a lack of heartbeat …my baby had died at 6-7 weeks.

I was told I could go in for a D&C or wait it out naturally. I have always prefered to take the natural way as I believe the body is amazingly designed to deal with a multitude of things by itself. When asked what to expect I was told “a regular period, maybe heavier with mild cramps, and to take double the doze of Tylenol. So I waited it out…for 3 weeks. Again excruciating weeks knowing there was a dead baby inside me, and not knowing when everything would come out. I started to get mild bleeding one morning, which turned into very heavy bleeding by the evening (going through a pad every 1/2 hour) with palm size clots and cramps. I staying in touch with my midwife through out (a different one who was much better) and went to bed. By 1am I was so scared by the amount of blood and the pain; this was equivalent or worse than labor (not period cramps) lasting one minute every one minute. I had taken the Tylenol and in fact had miss-read the dosage and taken 4 times the recommended amount by accident but this made absolutely no difference to the pain. (I’m not a wimp either, my second son was born with no pain medication). I ended up going to the ER who gave me pain medication and on examining me told me I wasn’t even dilated and had not passed any of the fetal tissue. They wanted to send me home but I refused not wanting to end up in the same situation, so waited there all night for my doctor who gave me a D&C in the morning. This was a terrible experience that made it so much worse by the attitude of the one midwife and the lack of information given on what to expect!

Well my story continues; after waiting 5 months to emotional and physically heal I got pregnant again. Again though there was no heartbeat and my hCG levels did not increase as they should have. Again my baby died at about 6-7 weeks. This time though I opted for a D&C. I was able to plan child care for my 2 other children rather than running to the ER in the middle of the night and I started recovery without a night of trauma to deal with on top. I also opted for what they called a “sleeping sedative” rather than full anesthetic. I was not really awake and could not remember anything, and was not sick afterwards as i was with the anesthetic.

I became pregnant a third time, this time at 6-7 weeks we heard a strong heatbeat! Hurrah! We celebrated! But it was not to be, and a week later the heartbeat and my baby were gone. Another D&C, and finally a referal to a specialist. After several tests nothing was found wrong with me or my husband, or the fetal tissue we had to really push doctors to test.

We had to really think about what we wanted to do next….but under the care of the specialist and on monitored progesterone use (as a precaution) I am now pregnant again. I have had my hCG levels taken twice and yesterday I got a phone call that they are not good. I think now I have just given up any hope because holding on to even a tiny amount is too difficult to bear. We promised ourselves that this was our last chance to try.

I have to keep reminding myself that I already have my 2 healthy boys and I am lucky to have them, and for whatever reason that was all I was meant to have. I do keep having nightmares though that I loose one or both of them in a terrible accident. I am now very aware of the fragility of life.

The hardest thing of all is just not knowing why I have lost 4 babies in a row, there are just no explanations even though every one has happened almost the same way and I believe the statistics for this is only 1% . Basicly I have been told that I am too old! (I turned 40 this year).

I’m telling my story hoping to help anyone else in the same situation. I felt very alone and “unique” until I found this website. This is the only website where I have found information to questions I have asked over and over again but did not get satisfactory answers to, so thank you and thank you to the others who shared their stories, i don’t know why but it has helped me. I wish all of you luck, and happiness with the blessing you already have in your life.

  Anna wrote @ October 8, 2008 at 2:33 pm

I just learned yesterday that may baby has died. It would be 7 weeksold tomorrow. My husband and I were trying to have a baby for a year, and finally I got pregnant. I was so excited to see the test being positive. I told my husband that he is going to be a daddy, and he was on top of the world. Then at 4 weeks I started getting really bad cramps, and I waited a week and decided to go in for an ultra sound. The doctor did an ulra sound right away, and my husband and I saw our first babies heartbeats. The doctor said everything looked fine. Three days later I still had cramps and when I was getting ready to go to bed pink waters started to run down my feet, and then the bleading started. I called an emergency line, they told me if the bleading does not stop in three hours to go to ER. Well the bleading stopped. In the morning I went in for another ultra sound. The baby was still alive. His heart still beating. And then five days later I had really bad cramps again that I could not walk. I layed in bed all day. The the next three days there wasn’t any cramping, I was very surprized. So, yesterday Oct, 7th 2008 I went for my weekly ultrasound and foundout that the baby didn’t have a heart beat. I felt like the time has stopped for me. I got so attached to that little person. And he is no longer alive?????? But, the Lord has comforted me. He’s given this precius little guy to me and He’s taken it. I feel though lucky to be a parent for 7 weeks. My husband and I grieve together. And, my family is there for me. But even with their support, it is very hard. I trust the Lord, that this was for the best, even if I don’t uderstand all of it. If you are going through a pregnancy loss don’t go on alone. It is 100 times harded to bear. Share your grief with family or close friends. And talk to God about it He understands better than anyone at what you are going through right now.

  Jessica wrote @ December 5, 2008 at 10:42 am

I found out that I was pregnant, much to my surprise in September. I had been on the pill and the pregnancy was not planned. Nonetheless, we were excited after the initial shock wore off. I found out very early in my pregnancy, about four weeks along. About a week after I found out, I started spotting brown blood and my doctor had me come in for an ultrasound and blood tests to make sure everything was okay. All was normal and I was told that this was not common, but normal, just old blood. This continued on and off for about a month and they kept having me come in for ultrasounds. I went in for a five week ultrasound and saw the yolk sac and then for a six week ultrasound, at which time I saw the heartbeat. There are three things that I will never forget as long as I live. First, when I found out I was pregnant, second, seeing that heartbeat, and third, when I found out that that heart has taken its last beat inside of my body. When I saw the heartbeat, I felt so much better because of the spotting, just getting to that point was so reassuring to me. My doctor had me come back in two weeks for a two month ultrasound and I asked the technician to show my husband the heartbeat and I could tell something was wrong as soon as I saw the look on her face. She said the fetus had not grown and that there was no heartbeat. That was the moment that I felt like all of myself escaped my body. I was so shocked, I couldn’t even cry. I got up and got dressed while we waited for the doctor to come in and then the tears came as I put my first pair of maternity pants on that I had just bought the day before back on. The doctor came in and tried to shake my hand and I couldn’t, I was not even able to look him in the face. It took two weeks before I could even make eye contact with anyone, including my husband. He went through the it’s not my fault, nothing could have stopped it, but nothing helped. He gave me the option to let nature run its course and the baby leave my body on its own or to have a dnc. We were told to go home and think about it and we did, but my mind was made up, I had to have the surgery. I could not bear the thought of my child inside of me no longer living. So we went to the hospital that night and I had to be sedated before I even went into the operating room. My husband tried talking to me and he said looking at me he could tell there was no one home. I was completely blank. So we came home early the next morning and as the day progressed, I kept having complications and pain and went back to my doctor only to find out that the fetus had not been entirely removed and that I would have to have another dnc. So I had another one that day. I cannot express how empty I feel now. I feel like the life was taken right out of me when they took my baby out of me.

I went back to work in a week and that was the best thing I could have done. I had an ultrasound pic on my desk that I had my secretary remove and I took the ones at home down as well. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do with them so I just waited. Then about two weeks later I got up the courage to ask for the one back at work and took it home and put it with the others. It was three weeks ago this past Friday, yet it hurts like it did the day I found out. I have cried more than I thought I could, hoped that it was a bad dream, and tried all I can to be happy. I even wrote my baby a letter telling him or her all the feelings I was experiencing and how sorry I was that I could not make a good home for him or her. I put this letter with all of its pics.

Some days are better than others, today seems unbearable. I just want to go home and have my husband hold me, which he has done a lot of lately. He has been very understanding of me wanting to do nothing other than read, watch tv, be depressed, or cry my eyes out. I feel bad for being this way around him because I know that he cannot understand how bad I feel. But I do know that he is dealing with the same loss I am and try to keep that in mind.

I have to go back to the doctor next week for a checkup since I had two dnc’s to make sure that all is okay. I know this is silly but I am going to ask my doctor if my baby suffered. That has been on my mind a lot and I think knowing that it didn’t may help me to deal with this better.

For all of you that have went through this, my heart sincerely goes out to you. Thanks for listening to me and I hope that anyone out there can impart some wisdom to me on how to deal with this.

  Jennifer wrote @ December 23, 2008 at 6:39 pm

I started trying to conceive two years ago. It took my husband and I three months. I was on top of the world when I found out I was pregnant. I told everyone right away. My sister in law warned me not to do it, but I was too excited to keep the news a secret. Week 7 of my pregnancy is when things turned for the worst. I, like others started out with brown spotting, which then turned red and got really heavy. I also went through having major contractions and passing tissue. After I had a few doctor appointments and found out I miscarried I was determined to try again. It didn’t take long before I found out I was pregnant again, this time it was shorter than the first time with me miscarrying at 5 weeks. Once again, I was determined to try again thinking the third time would be a charm. Well, my third pregnancy lasted 9 weeks. I indeed miscarried again. I had a few tests done to find out that I am border line for an anticardiolipen antibodies disorder (a blood clotting disorder). I needed to be put on a blood thinner. I got pregnant again and thought that with this diagnosis, I would be ok. Well, being positive didn’t work so well, I miscarried a 4th time. I was completely devistated and couldn’t believe that this was happening to me again. I had more testing done by a reproductive endocrinologist only to find out I was back to square 1. She detected the same thing as my OB GYN, but instead of testing borderline, I tested positive. I was pregnant 4 times in a year and a half. I put my body through quite a lot. Now it is a year later since my last pregnancy. I have been trying for over 10 months and now I am having trouble conceiving, which used to never be a problem. I am having a difficult time watching friends and family members have normal healthy pregnancies and then go on to having thier babies without any problems. It is also very difficult around the holidays to deal with this pain, but I won’t give up hope.

  Stacy wrote @ January 14, 2009 at 4:02 pm

I have one son, Jeremiah, who was born in Mar 2006. He is my world. And my husband and I had no problems with his pregnancy until 29 weeks. I started to have cramping here and there. I didn’t think anything of it and given it was my first pregnancy, I chalked it up to just standard physical things you go through when you are preg. Well long story short my cramps were actually my body in labor. My son tried to be born, however, with the help of bed rest some meds we were able to hold off until 32 weeks. He was born at 32 weeks and healthy considering the circumstance. It was a scary beginning for his life but we survived. There was never any medical reason found for why I went into pre-term labor.

After my first pregnancy being scary, my husband and I finally felt comfortable trying again in late 2007. We became preg almost immediately in Dec 07. I started to have bleeding and cramping around 6 weeks. After being blown off by my doctors office telling me that some bleeding and cramping is normal. I pushed for an u/s, but they refused and said hcg blood work would tell them what we needed to know. The initial test was low but not concerning…..so I waiting another two days to be tested again, and the hcg work came back reduced. They told me I was having a natural miscarriage. I continued to have to go in until my hcg came back around zero. It was an awful experience….the waiting….the unknown…..the insensitivity because “this happens all the time”. I knew in my heart I lost a little boy that Jan 08, and we named our angel boy Michael Kenneth. We will never forget him.

After a rough start in 2008 and a lot of stress, emotion, and pain for us both, we found out we were preg again in July 2008. This was not planned for us but we were thrilled. Since we learned that miscarriage is very common and often for no cause, we both felt positive about this pregnancy. I was a little nervous though and set milestones for myself. I figured if I could make it past 6 wks (when I lost Michael), that was a good milestone. Well 6 wks came and went….and so did 8 wks….and 10 wks. I was feeling good, had symptoms and just kept praying. I had an u/s at 11 weeks just to put my mind at ease given my previous loss. I didn’t feel nervous until the day of my u/s. I started to question that something was wrong…..suddenly I didn’t feel preg and then noticed things like my breast tenderness and size had changed. Regardless I tried to stay optimistic. Well I found out at my u/s that the baby had stopped growing around 7 wks. Given I should have been 11 weeks, my doc recommended a D&C. The procedure itself was very simple and painless, but the emotional aspect of it, was horrible. The idea that my baby (even though I know she was gone) was being taken out of me just felt awful. My doctor tested the tissue to determine the cause and they did find that it was an extra chromosome. I was assured that this was one of the most common causes of miscarriage and nothing I could control. My doc confirmed I lost a little girl that Aug 08, and we named our angel girl Megan Nichole. She shines down on us every day.

Well after two consecutive losses, my doctor said she would do some testing on me to just check for common risks likes hormone levels, blood clotting risk , and so forth. Well after fighting with my insurance company to get the testing covered and waiting for all the work and results, I still had no answers. My tests were normal. Here I was grieving at the loss of two babies and no understanding as to what happened.

Well after a few months, my husband and I agreed that we would give it one more shot. We weren’t going to “try”, but we weren’t going to “prevent” a pregnancy from happening. Well I became preg this past Dec 08. A lot sooner than I would have guessed, but again very excited and soooo terrified. This time was a different experience. As soon as I was 1 day late, I took a home test, but it was negative. I thought that was weird because I am an extremely anal-retentive person and I have NEVER been late except when preg (and I have the spreadsheet to prove it). Anyway, I stayed calm and continued to wait a few more days, continually taking a home test each day….still negative results and still no period. I called the doc and insisted on a blood test to confirm a pregnancy. I knew in my heart I was preg but also that something was wrong. The blood work confirmed I was preg but my hcg levels were so low they weren’t detectable on a home test….not a good sign considering I should have been 4 weeks. Of course that night, I started to have bleeding with clots and cramping. I knew I was miscarrying. But of course the doc wanted me to come back in 2 days to see if my hcg was going up or down….after waiting, they confirmed it had dropped down. I felt I lost a little boy this past Jan 09, but we are still waiting to name this precious angel.

So here I am, 3 miscarriages in a row, and one healthy little boy. I feel like I should just stop risking the lives of more babies and just be done. Be so thankful for the son that I have and just celebrate his life rather than risk more pain and suffering. I just don’t know. On top of all the worries I have with another early miscarriage, I have plenty of worries if I carry past the first trimester, given what I went through with my first pregnancy. And now that I fall into the “recurrent miscarriage” world, by doc is referring me to some specialists and genetic counseling. I just don’t know if I can handle more testing and waiting and still not getting answers. I know that I cannot control most of the things happening here, but I have to believe that something isn’t quite right with my body for me to have gone through all of this. Maybe I am not meant to carry anymore children.

Thanks for listening….and I will keep praying to the Lord for strength and guidance. I hope all of you can do the same.

Stacy

  angie wrote @ February 4, 2009 at 11:17 pm

when i feel pregnant for the second time it didn’t feel the same as it did the first time around. i didn’t have the symptoms such as tender boobs, etc. i just felt a little tired. well when my period came late (would of only been the second since they returned, didn’t get it back until my sone turned 1) i thought i should by a hpt. well i tested and it came back negative, yet i felt as i was pregnant. i tested again the next day and same thing still negative so i thought i was just testing too early. i left it for a few days and tested again, this time i could see a very very faint line. i was confused. but my curiousity got to me and went and bought another brand of hpt that day and test in the afternoon, just as i thought the test was positive, this made me really confused!!! i did another test a few hours later and again positive. i booked to see the doctor the next day. the day of the doctors appointment i did another test to make sure and again a positive. went to the doctors and was told that the tests were accurate but no point taking blood at this stage my as well wait for couple of weeks and get a blood test the same time as u/s. well a week before my doctors appointment i started spotting only very lightly and not much at a time and it was brown in colour, thought to myself something is wrong be reassured myself when i googled on the net and found it could be implantation or breakthrough bleeding and it stoped 3 days later. i went to my appointment abd told my doctor about it she did an u/s and said she could see something but too hard to see cause i had emptied my bladder before going. i left the doctors feeling fine and i ahd another appointment booked a week later. 2 days before my appointment i spotted again but red this time, this worried me but the last time at the doctors she gave me an anti-d injection as im o-. the spotting last one spot so again i reassured myself that everything was okay. the morning of my appointment i started spotting again and was in extreme period pain, now i knew something had to be wrong. and as i expected the doc told me i was in the process of a miscarriage but my cervix was still closed. i was told to expect more bleeding and more pain the only thing is that the bleeding has slowed not increased and same goes for the pain. so now im deeply confused, just rang doctors and my normal doctor wasn;t there but the other told me its a good sign that im not in pain and that there isn’t much bleeding? but i know that it needs to come out otherwise it could end up poisoning me? now i dont know what to do, i’ve acceptted that i wasn;t meant to be this time but would feel a lot better if it was no longer inside me?
so confused now???

  Ann wrote @ February 13, 2009 at 4:23 pm

My story is very similar to Anna
Had one missed miscarraige at 12 weeks. Gave birth to beautiful baby girl 6years ago. since then 2 more missed miscarraiges and now I am pregnant 5 – 6weeks. High risk at aged 39years but last hope for sister/brother for my little girl. Spotting at moment every few days so not holding out much hope for this preg. All I want is to see heartbeat on scan past 12 weeks!

  deborah wrote @ March 9, 2009 at 1:02 am

Well my story began jan 2005 after 2 years of trying to get pregnant I finally did my husband an I had our first dr apt an during the ultrasound the dr saw a sac but there was nothing in it so she thought that I didn’t know when was my last cycle but I knew I had been trying to get pregnant for 2 yrs anyways after 2 more wks of getting ultrasounds an running test my dr decided I could get a d&c because the baby wasn’t in the sac nor in my tubes but I decided against it because I wanted it so bad an maybe my baby could survive where ever it was but unfortunatly march 20 2006 my body finally miscarried

  Chris wrote @ May 18, 2009 at 2:13 pm

Here is my story. I’d dreamed of being a mother for a long time but did not want to do it until I found “the one” and got married. Time was ticking by for me though and I was worried this wouldn’t happen before my biological clock expired. Finally I got married in Sept of 2008 at 36 yo and we began trying on our honeymoon. To my surprise I got pregnant the second month of trying. Everyone had warned me that being of advanced maternal age it might take longer. Of course no one told me the miscarriage rate was higher.

I was joyful but also very nervous because I’d had a miscarriage 12 years prior with an unplanned pregnancy. I thought everything was going alright with this pregnancy in the beginning although in restrospect I had mild symptoms like constipation, smell sensitivity, racing heart, frequent urination and sore breasts. No morning sickness.

My husband and I went in for our OB GYN appointment at 7 weeks and saw the baby and heartbeat. Although I could tell the doc didn’t give me the all clear. He said the baby was “measuring small” and that I’d either gotten the conception date wrong or the baby wasn’t growing right. Furthermore the doc said “I still have to tell you what I tell all of my patients, there is a 20% chance of miscarriage”. Doc wanted us to come back in two weeks. I was very confused because everything I’d read said that once you see the heartbeat the miscarriage rate drops significantly to 1-5%.

1.5 weeks later I began having cramps while at work that after a couple hours took on the characteristics of patterned and intensifying contractions. I remember going to the grocery store and thinking no one in their right mind would be doing this right now, they’d be home. But I didn’t want to believe it was happening, AGAIN! When I got home I told my husband about my concern through tears (who by some miracle was home at the time) and went to the bathroom and found alittle blood. I was panicked and my husband had me lay down and not move as he took my temperature and called the advice nurse. She scheduled an appointment with my OB GYN for the next day and said to go to the ER if I filled one pad per hour. Well I never filled a pad (had recently come off birth control and always had light periods) but the pain became upbearable and the bleeding worsened throughout the night. At 2am I woke up my husband and said I can’t stand the pain anymore we had to go to the ER. I had to wait for about an hour in the ER and was shifting around constantly to try to lessen the pain by positioning myself just so. I couldn’t even process what was happening entirely. My only focus was to make the pain stop.

When roomed, the doc did an ultrasound and said she saw a lot of clotting and that I was more than likely miscarrying. She saw the baby but said there was no heartbeat. My husband had the strength to look but I did not. My bloodwork indicated high hormones still but I could tell something was wrong because I didnt have to urinate frequently. My cervix was closed she said, so the pain should get worse when it opens and I actually pass the baby but wanted me to go home. Now back up. I’d been given intravenious Morphine for pain 4 times during that visit so far (she said it was safe) and only on the fourth time did I “catch up with the pain”. I was terrified. My husband was wonderful though because he simply said, we aren’t leaving, they can’t make us. Finally we were able to get the doc to come back in and give me a morphine shot in the behind (apparently they last longer, 4-5 hours) to go home with on top of oral Vicodin and antinausea meds.

When home I went straight to bed and slept for almost 24 hours straight only getting up to eat or drink or check in with my husband briefly. Thank God the pain was well managed with just Vicodin. I continued with bleeding and cramping and then it all stopped. My OB GYN said if it didn’t clear naturally I’d have to do a D&C which I did NOT want to do. I got up in the morning and got into the shower to get ready for my doc appt and felt myself pass something big. I panicked and tried hard to keep any of it from going down the drain and I was sobbing. I screamed for my husband who got a towel out and wrapped up the tissue. I went to my OB GYN that morning and he did another ultrasound and said most of the tissue had passed and I didn’t need a D&C. He gently and sensitively had me look to see that the baby and sac were now gone. He had us leave the bag with the towel and tissue in the room which made me very uncomfortable. See it was Christmas Eve and his nurse seemed very distracted. I was so worried that she’d leave what at the time I thought was my baby in this dark room on the floor over the holiday weekend. When the results came back turns out it was just tissue not the baby which was a relief but taking a shower was a really horrible experience for me for that next week and I’d really only shower every other day.

In summary, I would never wish this experience on my worst enemy. I am so sorry for all of you that have had to go through this. It’s hard enough emotionally without going through mini-labor. I just thank goodness that my husband and medical team were so wonderful throughout it. And frankly I also thank God for drugs.

  Nikki wrote @ May 21, 2009 at 10:41 am

I have known my entire life that I wanted to be a mom. Some people say they are born to dance, sing, act. I was born to be a mother. When I reached my thirties and I wasn’t even married I started to wonder if my deams would come true. Then I met my future husband Jack and at the age of 32 all of my dreams started to come true. Right away we knew we were ready to start a family but we decided to wait until after we were married. Immediately after out wedding in May of 2008 we began trying. We went for a few months with no results. I decided it would be best to go to my OB & see if he had any advice for us. I was a little concerned that if we didn’t get pregnant soon (since I was already 33) it would become increasingly more difficult as I got older. On our first visit we did not get good news. I was told I had endometriosis, which I was all to familiar with because my little sister has been struggling with it for years. My OB wanted to do laproscopic surgery ASAP. On November 19, 2008 we had the surgery and it was a success. My OB said we were all clear to try again & that if we were not pregnant in 3 months to come back. We tried & tried to get pregnant but once again no such luck. We went back to the OB in the beginning of March & we were told that he thought we needed to go to a fertility specialist. I was devestated. How could this be happening? I was meant to be a mom. But we were determined to do what we had to do so I made us an appt. for April 24, 2009. In the interim I started feeling pretty sick. I was nauseas, my breast hurt, I was cramping. I just assumed I was getting my period. But on April 3 I took a pregnancy test & after almost a year of trying it was positive. Jack & I were ecstatic. We figured we were about 6 weeks along at that point. We made an appt. immediately to see the OB. It was amazing being told by him that “yes, you are going to be a mommy”. We told the world about our joyous news. On April 24th we went in for our first ultrasound (which put us at about 9 weeks, we thought). The ultrasound showed a large gestational sac & a little tiny fetus. The nurse said the baby had a strong heartbeat but was only 6 weeks along. The Dr. said not to concern ourselves with the difference in timeframe & that he wanted to schedule another ultrasound in 4 weeks to see if he could determine then how far along we really were. Jack & I were a little confused at first but we trust our Dr. & waited patiently until we could see our little “peanut” again. In the weeks that led up to our May 19th appt. I really didn’t feel pregnant at all. I was still tired a lot, sometimes I got sick but nothing compared to earlier on. Everyone kept teling me that I was lucky to not be sick all the time. I tried not to concern myself but deep down I knew something was wrong. We went for our ultrasound filled with anticipation at seeing our baby. When the baby first came on the monitor I knew something was wrong. It looked so small. Like it had shrunk since I last saw it. The EDD on the screen was Jan. 11, 2010. That was almost a month later than what our due date was a month earlier. The nurse (bless her heart) you could tell she was nervous. Said she wanted to move us to another ultrasound machine to get a better look. It was still the same. When she said let me go get your Dr. I knew our baby was gone. My Dr. said it happens sometimes the fetus stops growing & the heartbeat stops. We scheduled an appt. at the hospital that afternoon for a D&E. The hospital staff was amazing & the surgery was painless. Now I am at home with some mild spotting & a completely broken heart. Everyone keeps telling me that this loss will get easier over time but I do not believe that is possible. How do I move on after something so traumatic? Will this emptiness in my heart every go away? How am I supposed to see other families & not be jealous of their fortune? I do know that I am thankful for my husband (the love of my life) who I know is hurting just as bad as I am. For now I guess I all I can do is hold onto the hope that maybe one day my dreams of motherhood will come true.

  Sue wrote @ May 26, 2009 at 1:35 am

I’m 37 and recently had a miscarriage in my first trimester. This was my first pregnancy and I was 6 weeks along when my loss happened. It’s now been 2 months and I have still not recovered physically although emotionally, I’m great. I continue to feel very drained and have terrible bowel symptoms and lower back pain. I’m scheduled to undergo a colonoscopy in 4 weeks time to ensure there are no underlying problems such as Crohn’s or colitis. I’m wondering if others have had similar extended recovery symptoms?

  Melissa (Mel) wrote @ June 15, 2009 at 3:04 pm

13 days ago I was blissfully pregnant. I was 9 weeks pregnant at that time. My boyfriend and I had decided we wanted a baby more than anything and the first month we tried, we were successful. When I got the positive on the test we were ecstatic. We waited about a week before we told everyone. I had the honor of telling my mom on mother’s day and she was so excited. Everyone was excited! Then 13 days ago we were at a barbeque and I just didn’t feel right so we left early and went home. When I went to the bathroom I noticed that I had spotted. I was terrified but hopeful. My sister had spotted during her pregnancy and everything had gone wonderful and she gave birth to a healthy baby boy. So I didn’t worry but called the doctor’s office anyway. They assured me as well that it was normal. I was still a little worried and deep down felt that something was wrong but ignored it. Then, on Saturday, after 4 days of light spotting it started getting a lot heavier so I panicked and went straight to the ER. We were there for forever and they did an u/s. The tech wouldn’t let me see the screen, then he said he was going to do a transvaginal u/s and this worried me. But he didn’t say ANYTHING so I was left in my room just wondering. Then the doctor came in and said everything was fine and to see my doctor on monday and then left. So we went home, a little worried but feeling very reassured. On Monday I went to my doctors office and was told, “Congratulation, you’re exactly 10 weeks today.” So again I was feeling that everything was okay. When I finally met the doctor he was very serious not very friendly; got straight to business. He said it was too early to do a “regular” u/s so he did a transvaginal one as well. He let my boyfriend and I see the screen. However, I’ve never seen an ultrasound I didn’t know what to look for or if it was normal. Then after a few minutes he just said, “well, this isn’t good. Basically you’re seeing your uterus collapse on itself for a miscarriage. If you want we can do a D & C which I recommend.” I am completely new to all of this and was stunned stupid at the news so I just said ok. The next day, on my father’s birthday, the day before my 21st birthday, I had a D & C. It was quick and painless, a rip-the-bandaid-off type of procedure. I definitely recommend it if you don’t want to deal with having to pass your baby and see it and if you want to go straight into the healing process. My 21st birthday was the worst birthday of my life sadly because I laid in bed all day sore from the surgery. It hurt to sneeze; it hurt to cough; it hurt to breathe at some points; it hurt to cry, which I did all day. I’m now starting to heal emotionally and definitely planning on trying again as soon as we get the go-ahead.
Throughout this entire ordeal all me and my boyfriend got were hassles about how are you going to pay for this and that. Hopefully medical assistance will help us because the insurance company hung us out to dry. The only people were nice and caring and sensitive to what we were going through were the nurses. They held my hand, offered me kind words, were patient when I cried, gave me small gifts that made me cry harder. I love nurses! I wish all of you luck in the future. Please wish me some. We’re going to try again in about 3 months says the doctor.

  Meita wrote @ August 4, 2009 at 11:27 am

I miscarried three weeks and two days ago. It was still very early, just 4 weeks and 6 days – it had been a week since I first tested positive.

We are now again trying to conceive and looking into the future positively. Still, something is different than it was before. I know this little bean was still very small and all, but still it’s this baby that we are never going to have – it can’t just be replaced by another one.

In the evening before I started bleeding, I was with my sister in law, her newborn, and her mother in law, at a beautiful little beach at a lake in the mountains. The sun was shining after a rainy day, making gentle light and playful shadows and reflections across the lake. The shallow water was clear and warm and we took off our shoes and socks and waded through to a small sandbank, where we just sat, quietly enjoying the sun and the glorious views. I found myself thinking of names for the little bean. I started considering Gwen, and suddenly I thought how beautiful it would be to have a little Gwendolyn. With a stick I meditatively wrote the name into some sand covered by clear water – although it was under water, the lake was so calm that it remained legible for a long time. As I watched the sand slowly blurring the letters, I thought about how fleeting this moment was, how nobody would ever know that I wrote this here because soon it would have disappeared for ever. But maybe some day I would tell my future daughter (if it indeed would turn out to be a girl) how one day when she was nothing more than a few cells, I wrote her name in the sand under clear water, and it was beautiful and sunny, and it didn’t blur for a long time.

Later that night, I discovered a smear of blood in my panties. I was concerned, of course. Looked it up in the interwebs and discovered that it is quite common to have spotting in pregnancy. Still, I was worried, and told my partner on the phone (I was away from home). But I didn’t let go of hope yet. Next morning, the smear had developed into a full-blown, menstruation-like bleed. I was shattered. (You know, like, when you freeze into a block of ice and then someone knocks on you with a hammer, and you break into thousands of little cold hard sharp shards …)

Sister in law took me to the local hospital, where a hormonal pregnancy test came up negative. Further investigations revealed some tissue outside of the uterus, which the gynaecologist removed. My blood group was tested, it came up rhesus negative, and I got an Anti-D shot to prevent difficulties with future pregnancies. During all this, I was in kind of a haze. It was all too fast and sudden. Just hours earlier, I had been thinking happy thoughts of names – how could everything be so brutally, definitely different now?

Two days later, I flew back home. Seeing my partner was strange. I had left shortly after discovering that we were going to have a child – and now I came home distinctly un-pregnant. I felt like a different person. Together we had to learn to deal with this new situation, had to get to know each other all over again, and had to find our way back to some sort of normality.

This was just over three weeks ago now, and I am feeling much better, and, as I said in the beginning, looking positively into the future. I will always remember this little one, my Gwendolyn, though I have told noone of this – not even my partner. I will remember that sunny beach in the mountains, the clear water and how even though she was only with us for a very short time and in an abstract sense, she shared some beauty and happiness with us.

  Ana Luz wrote @ August 6, 2009 at 7:01 pm

I knew I was pregnant the first day I missed my period. It was a Monday and after class I went to get a test to confirm it. When I saw the word “pregnant” I almost passed out. I was in shock.
I’m 20 years old with an on-again off-again lover, trying to finish my schooling. I was adopted from Lima, Peru when I was 3 days old. I love and appreciate my family here, but growing up was hard. I have abandonment issues even though I can’t remember anything about my birth mother. My family is white and I’m brown. My parents are older than most of my friends’ parents. My dad already had two kids who had families of their own, when I came around. So for me, finding out I was pregnant was the most wonderful thing that could happen to me. I would finally have a family that was of my blood and looked like me. Especially after the year I had just been through; I was in a horrible car accident and fractured my hip and a week later my grandfather passed away. Being pregnant made me so happy, I didn’t want to wait nine months to see my baby boy. I knew right away that he was a boy. I could feel it in my heart.
Around 7 weeks, I started to have horrible morning sickness. They really should change the name to all-day sickness. My doctor gave me some pills to take to help it. Around week 11, I was lucky if I could keep down one meal a day. My boyfriend got sick and had a fever of 103. He stayed away from me, but I guess it wasn’t good enough because I managed to get sick a few days later.
In the middle of my 12th week, my morning sickness got worse. Wednesday I remember I couldn’t even keep water down. I was constantly in the bathroom. Around 11:30pm, I called my mom, who was visiting Italy, because I had cramps and I couldn’t sleep. The cramps got worse as I was talking to her. She told me to call the advice nurse, who told me to go to the Emergency Department. I woke my boyfriend up and he drove me. I was very nervous and in pain. The ED doctor eventually came in around 1am and said I was very dehydrated and that cramps go along with dehydration. So the nurse got me two IV bags and gave me medicine to help the nausea. When the bags were empty, I got to go home with more nausea medicine and was told to take it easy.
We managed to get home around 7am and we went straight to bed. I finally had to pee at 9:30am, after all those IV’s. I wiped and there was blood. I didn’t move for a minute, and then I wiped again to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. It was clean. So I got off the pot, called the advice nurse and she said, “Well if it gets worse you might be having a miscarriage. And if that’s the case, there’s not much we can do for you.” I’m thinking, okay well spotting can be normal but the cramps just kept getting worse.
I finally took a hot shower to try and help the cramps. As soon as I got out, I began bleeding everywhere. I ran to the toilet and I just continued to bleed. I called the nurse back and she said since I’m in so much pain that they wanted me to come in and make sure everything was okay.
It obviously wasn’t. I knew I was losing him. I was already crying in the bathroom with my boyfriend. He grabbed some pads and my purse and ushered me to the car.
It was so uncomfortable waiting for the doctor because I was bleeding everywhere, and I had to strip down and use the hospital pads which were way to thin for my blood flow. When the doctor finally examined me, he said “you are right in the middle of your miscarriage.” I couldn’t help but scream and cry. I remember crying hysterically and my boyfriend rushing to my side and grabbing my hand and seeing tears stream down his face, telling me that I’m going to be okay. For the life of me, I cannot tell you what the doctor or nurse said or did after that. I just remember looking into his eyes and him saying, “They’re going to make you better.” And I responded to that by saying, “I don’t care about me, help the baby.” And of course, there is nothing you can do after a miscarriage has started. He just held my hand and looked at me and said, “I care. I want you healthy. You’re going to be okay.”
After that, the nurse brought me pain medication and an IV. They took at least 10 vials of blood for testing. I had a D&C. After the doctor was done, I asked to see him, even though I knew he wouldn’t look like anything. My boyfriend was quick to say that there was nothing there. I know he was trying to do what was best for me, but I wanted to see what was mine. I now feel a little bit guilty that he had to see that by himself. The doctor also said my baby was twice the size it should have been at almost 13 weeks. They were also concerned I had ruptured an organ because the pain was so extreme. The pain was all over my stomach, not just my lower abdomen.
Those cramps were the worst pain I had ever felt; even more than feeling my hip bone crack. It amazes me what trauma my body has been through this past year, emotionally and physically, and I’m still kickin’.
I miss my son every day. I’m not too sure why he left me so soon. Maybe he knew my worries about a job and a place for us to live. Anyway, he let me know his presence is waiting for the right time. I know he’s out there. And I can’t wait until the day I get him back. He is with me always, waiting for the moment he feels is right for him.

  Faith wrote @ November 1, 2009 at 8:14 am

As of yesterday, i was 13 weeks. this past saturday, i was so super excited, i was going for my first ultrasound. it was at a pregnancy resource center that was offering free ultrasounds to women in their first or second trimester. how could i let that opportunity pass by? i was gonna see my baby for the first time. that excitement didnt last long. a couple minutes into the ultrasound the tech turned to me to tell me that i had a blighted ovum. i couldnt comprehend. a blighted ovum? what was that? was something wrong with my baby? i had never heard of a blighted ovum before. he explained it to me and i left devistated and afraid. the tech told me i could hemmorage. i called my ob when i got home and calmed down enough to talk. she said to come in first thing monday for an ultrasound to check things out. so i spent the weekend waiting to hemmorage and crying. monday i went for the ultrasound and they did a transvag. guess what? they found my baby. i was so elated. so i really have a baby and not an empty sac. that happiness was shortlived when the tech said there was no hb. i met with the ob and discussed my options. i chose to m/c naturally and started to spot that evening. how ironic, i just found out i was gonna m/c and started spotting that evening. during the week i was bleeding heavier and was cramping alot with a lower back ache and yesterday at work i had been having stronger cramping and back pain all morning long. around 12:45 i felt a gush and went to the bathroom. as soon as i sat down, i started gushing blood and clots that were slightly bigger than what i had been passing. i couldnt get up for about 15 minutes. so against the advice of my coworker and dh (my coworker called him while i was in the bathroom) i drove myself home to rest. neither of them wanted me to drive. on the way ome i felt a few more gushes. when i got home i went directly to the bathroom and had another episode of gushing. this happened about 3 more times. the cramping was picking up and so was the back ache so i took tylenol. it did help a little. after going about an hour without any more gushing episodes i figured it was safe to go with my family trick or treating. i told my dh that if i needed to i would just sit in the van if the pain got bad. after all it was my dd first trick or treating. last year she was a newborn. the pain wasnt too bad so i decided to walk a couple blocks with the kids. thats when i started getting the pain more and the backache was coming back. nothing too bad that i couldnt deal with though. well, after walking with my dd up to a door i felt big gush and what felt like the biggest clot ever. i told dh that we needed to go home. i told him what had happened. we went home. i went up to the bathroom and was not at all prepared for what i saw. there in my underwear was the sac still intact. complete. i didnt think that it would come out like that. i thought that it would pass as clots and not be so reconizable. boy was i wrong. i have to say though. the backache is about a dull ache and i am only getting a few twinges of cramping now and then. and the bleeding is now like a moderate period.
i am glad that most of the physical part is over. and i am glad that the pain wasnt as intense as my first m/c. i ended up getting 3 units of morphine for that one.
now i can try to move on and heal emotionally. dh says that he wants to get a vasectomy because of how many losses we have had over the past few years and he doesnt want me to go through that again. i am telling him not to make any rash decisions at the moment based on how we are feeling emotionally. we’ll see…..

  lisa wrote @ November 11, 2009 at 4:45 pm

i am 41 and have been trying to get pregnant ever since i got married 3 1/2 years ago. my husband and i were elated to finally get pregnant after 4 failed IVFs and multiple tests and procedures. we had ultrasounds at 6, 7 and 8 weeks and all was going great – baby measuring exactly spot on and strong heartbeat. the fertility center released us to our OB’s care. we had our first checkup at 10 weeks. just the usual blood tests and informational stuff. the doc did an internal exam and felt my uterus but no ultrasound. he was very optimistic about our outcome. because of my age and all that i’d been through to get pregnant, i had been very nervous and apprehensive about getting too excited about this pregnancy. but i knew that with each passing week our chance of miscarriage was going down and i was just starting to believe that we finally would be getting the baby that we’ve so longed for. we were very excited to see our little one moving around at our 12 week ultrasound. unfortunately that never happened. it was my worst nightmare come true. when the ultrasound tech first brought up the image she was having a hard time finding the baby and i just knew it was not going to be good. she finally found it and had to zoom in to measure it. not good – it only measured about 8 weeks. and no heartbeat. i was and am completely devastated. it must have stopped growing right after our last ultrasound and i had been blissfully carrying around a dead fetus for the past 4 weeks!! i have been not pregnant for 3 weeks now and it’s still very difficult to comprehend how this could happen to us. this was our last chance.

  Margaret wrote @ November 22, 2009 at 1:27 am

My experience has been emotionally and spiritually challenging and devastating. I haven’t been to my office in 2 weeks. I have spent so much time in bed with grief wanting this natural miscarriage to happen as they said it would. I am now seeing a medical intuitive (who was an intensive care RN for 20 yrs). She uses a gentle and kind conversation with me to find at where I’m at. She observes my energy, she gives me a hug, she does some gentle body work on me– called the Bowen Technique (you can google it for info)– to help ground me and to help the miscarriage along.

At 7 weeks I had 3 days each with very small amount of clotting- only the 3rd day just before I passed the clot I had a sharp cramp that lasted a few seconds. Two ultrasounds later, I have had for 2 weeks now minor red bleeding off and on, and some dark clots. The first week I thought I passed the tissue of my embryo– I repeatedly stared into that clot and looked at the 2 small pieces of whitish matter (about the size of half a grain of rice). No physical pain.

I have had so many emotions and feelings– many of them absolutely crazy, some of them fearful, some times feeling ok and clear in my head again. It is not over- my doctor and my medical intuitive want me to consider a D&C. They’re concerned that I am not passing all the stuff I should be passing. Which could lead to infection or calcification.

What the doctors don’t tell you is that you can and will mourn your dead baby– even when the loss occurs in the 1st trimester. I have mourned deeply for 2 weeks– the first week I was making it to a yin yoga class each day and crying alot very painfully. I was emotionally and physically exhausted. But this past week I missed every yoga class and moved into a depression that is still with me. I started working a bit but am afraid to face my colleagues or find that I can’t reconnect with my work or anybody again. I am not even finished with this process yet. I have not experienced physical pain beyond infrequent mild cramps. I’ve had light bleeding and spotting off and on. But this is ruining my life and now may cause complications if is not passing. Wednesday’s ultrasound will show more, unless I freak on Monday and go in for the ultrasound early.

This experience is ruining my relationship with my partner– mostly because I think I have lost my mind and am so worn out from the emotions. I am so on edge with emotions up and down and everywhere. I literally can’t take crowds or public places. I can’t handle thinking or moving too fast. In the past couple of months my partner has begun snoring and it’s causing sleep problems for both of us. I can’t take it anymore. And now 2 days ago he told me he found out he has herpes and I may have been exposed. Or maybe I gave it to him- am I a carrier? Monday’s blood test results will tell. Too many problems.

Our relationship was divinely inspired– it was like we were meant to be together and make babies and to love each other eternally. He has been so supportive of me as this crappy miscarriage process has dragged on and made me into a crazy, emotional, depressed, crying person day after day.

I am 38 and have my share of relationships- I thought this was the ONE. But here I am alone and wondering. I want desperately for us to be normal again and to conquer all our challenges. Can’t we do it? I feel so defeated in so many ways.

Even though my process continues, I have been uplifted this past couple of weeks by hearing the stories of women- yoga instructors, my boss, my mother, my sister– who shared their stories with me. It has meant so much to me.

  Jessica wrote @ November 26, 2009 at 3:44 am

I feel like a hypocrite complaining about losing another baby when I have a healthy 9 month old. I can’t say it hurts worse than it did the first time, before I had a baby of my own, but in a way, it does. I can’t say it doesn’t make me sad to go onto my facebook page where all the ladies I am friends with online go to chat and see a comment from one of my friends about how she got her first US today and she has a heartbeat and is due in July. I should have been due in July.
I found out I was pregnant last Monday. The day before my wedding anniversary. Hubby and I were super excited and eager to have another baby. I went for an US yesterday because I had had some spotting and light cramps and didn’t know how far along I was. Down deep I knew what the tech was going to say. My first pregnancy was a miscarriage as well, and as I did then, this time I knew something was wrong. The first thing the tech said was ‘there’s no baby’. All I could do was lay there and cry quietly while she proceeded to make sure I didn’t have an ectopic. When she got up to leave and told me I could get dressed and go I couldn’t stop crying and as she left she was crying too. She had told me that maybe I got a false positive. I told her I took 4 tests.
I went into the waiting room and couldn’t quit crying. I remembered my first miscarriage and having to take that horrible walk out, head hung down in shame, walking out crying with nothing, while everyone stared and all the other pregnant ladies walked out with pics of their babies.
I went to my doctor’s office to get my blood drawn. Before the lady could even stick me I burst into tears. She told me I was shaking like a leaf and got me some water. I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want to feel the shame and sadness. I didn’t want to see the pity in everyone’s eyes. Again.
My doctor’s office called this morning to tell me it was too early to know anything, but they were wrong and already too late. I woke up to bleeding and cramps. The nurse told me she would pray for everything to turn out okay. I just said thanks, knowing nothing was going to be ok. The cramps have gotten very bad and the bleeding has increased. I just feel like a failure and feel so empty.
I hate my body for telling me something was going on and letting me think I was going to have a baby, I hate that I took a stupid test and it said positive (or rather that all 4 said positive) and I hate that I let myself get my hopes up and get so excited when I knew something was wrong.
It’s bad enough to have a miscarriage at all, but I just wish it could be over with when you find out. It shouldn’t have to hurt and hurt and hurt and last for days. I guess I should be thankful it’s happening so soon. With my first my pregnancy symptoms continued for weeks and it took over a month after I found out it was a miscarriage before my body would finally let go of it. I just wish it could be over and I could forget about it.
And on the other hand some sick part of me worries that when the pain is over that it makes it way too final.
I hate that my friend who is pregnant is talking about how she is going to tell everyone tomorrow. I hate how all day tomorrow I will be thinking that I was so excited thinking about having a 4 month old for next Thanksgiving.
I hate that I felt such contempt for that friend because she was at first thinking of getting an abortion. She talked about how hard her first pregnancy and delivery was and how she didn’t want to go thru it again. I would gladly go thru all the pain and more. I know how big of a blessing a baby is.
I hate how excited my husband was. I hate how he had already told his sisters and his co-workers and now has to deal with the embarrassment that I have been thru of telling them it’s over and hearing what they think are sympathetic words and knowing that they’re whispering about you and pitying you.
I hate that I feel like I have killed my husband’s happiness and that I have failed him. I hate thinking that when he looks at me he is thinking it’s my fault that I am losing his babies.
I hate that when I told my mom she told me it was for the best because something was wrong with the baby.
I hate that I can’t quit crying and that it feels like there’s nothing left for me to hold on to.
I hate that I can’t get my mind off of it. I hate that I had to email my husband’s sisters to tell them thanks for the congratulations but they wouldn’t be getting a niece or nephew.
I hate so much right now. But I don’t even have the strength or will to hate. It’s just a word.
I went thru 2 yrs of depression last time. 2 long, hard yrs, where nothing and no one mattered. 2 yrs of feeling like my heart was being stabbed every time I saw a pregnant woman, a baby, any baby item or even heard the word baby. 2 yrs of feeling anxious in my own skin and just wanting to be able to just stop my mind and feelings.
My husband said don’t worry, we’ll have a baby. I know he lost something too but he can’t understand. It doesn’t feel like I am ever going to get over this loss, how can I face the possibility of yet another one?
I realized last night that I was unconsciously not drinking anything because I didn’t want to have to use the bathroom because it’s a slap in the face every time I see blood and know what I’ve lost.

  Vivien wrote @ November 29, 2009 at 3:14 am

I found out at 12 weeks (on 11/7) that my baby no longer had a heartbeat and had stopped growing at 10 weeks. The news was very hard to hear, I was alone at my appointment, the doctor couldn’t find the heartbeat on the doppler so she brought out the ultrasound. As the machine was “warming” up I tried to keep calm. The baby appeared on the screen and my first thought was “he is bigger than the last time.” My 2nd thought came quickly and with panic, “Where is his heartbeat?” My doctor kept moving the thing around trying to look at different angles but I could see that he wasn’t moving and there was no heartbeat.

I started crying, I was so upset. This baby was very much wanted and already loved by Mommy, Daddy, brother and sister. The doctor wouldn’t let me leave the office by myself. My husband had just gotten off work and was on his way to pick up our son and daughter. I called him and told him that the baby had died.

My doctor explained that it was a missed miscarriage and I had 3 options, 1. I could wait for my body to recognize the miscarriage and let things progress naturally which could take up to 6 weeks. 2. I could take some medication to speed up the process or 3. I could have the D&C. I told her I would have to think about what I was going to do. I had asked her how the medication worked and she explained it and said that I might see some fetal tissue when I did miscarry the baby and that there would be a lot of blood. She was very kind and because she was pregnant and due any time, she said she would let the other doctors know what was going on. When my husband and children got to the office to pick me up, my 2 year old daughter came into the exam room and said “Mommy, you lost the baby?” thinking I had misplaced the baby. My husband explained that he had tried to explain it to the children. I then told them that the baby had gone to Heaven to live with Jesus and some day we might have another new baby but not right now.

After going home that night I was very heartbroken. I hugged and held onto my children tight. I have a 3 yr old son, and a 2 yr old daughter. After thinking about what I needed to do I decided that I could not emotionally or mentally handle the idea of waiting possibly 6 weeks for my body to do anything when I would be carrying around a baby that was not alive and not knowing when it would happen. I also knew I did not want the D&C, the doctor told me they would knock me out for it but then I felt my baby would not be handled in the way I thought was proper, since after the baby dies it is just considered a “product of conception” (phrase the nurse told me and that I also read online.) I knew the medication was the only way for me to go.

I called my doctor up the next day and learned that the night before she had had her baby. That was slightly upsetting, mostly because that would mean I would have to deal with another doctor. I explained that I decided to take the medication and a nurse called me back because she had to talk with one of the doctors. She called me back and explained how to use the medicine. I asked her if I would see anything, and she told me I would just see blood clots. I wanted to see the baby, I knew that he was there, I had ultrasound pictures to prove it. I felt I needed to see the baby just to prove to myself that he was there.

I started the medication at 6:30am on Saturday November 7, 2009. I took the 2nd dose at 10:30 am and by 11 am I was sitting on my couch and I felt a pop, it was such a big pop I think I might have actually heard it too. I stood up and there was a gush of blood. The nurse had said that once the bleeding started it would be really heavy for about an 1 hr and that most women will either spend that time sitting on the toilet, standing in the shower or sitting in the bathtub which could also help with the cramping. I chose the bathtub and sometime after 11:30 I delivered the baby, in my bathtub, by myself. My husband had been in the other room with the kids, we had figured the process was going to take longer and hadn’t called my mom to come get them. I called my husband into the bathroom and when he came in, I held in my hands our baby, just the size of my thumb. He looked perfect just tiny. He had tiny little fingers and toes, a tiny nose and eyes and ears. From what we could see, the baby looked like a little boy, our son.

We hadn’t even had a chance to pick out names, we didn’t know what we were having when we found out the baby was gone. On Thursday after he picked me up my husband suggested that we call the baby Angel Baby. I just call him Angel.

  Cindy wrote @ November 30, 2009 at 11:08 pm

I am 28, and this is my husband and I’s fourth first trimester miscarriage. After the first one, I thought it was related to stress. I am an ER physician and was starting the beginning of a 30 hour call when I suddenly felt a gush of warmth. I was in the middle of resuscitating a dying patient, and couldn’t leave for an hour. When I finally made it to the bathroom, I was shocked to find my scrubs soaked in blood. I changed quickly, took a deep breath, and continued on with the next 29 sleepless hours of my day. I stayed objective about it, knowing that first trimester miscarriages are more than common.

Three months later, we were pregnant again, I was anxious, but ecstatic. In my mind, my husband and I were healthy, athletic individuals, with absolutely no medical problems. I was sure there was nothing that could go wrong a second time. But 7 weeks pregnant, and again, I was working a Friday overnight shift when I went to the bathroom and noted some heavy spotting. I knew I was miscarrying again. I started having severe cramps. There I was, bent over my computer with cramping. One of the nurses jokingly said to me, “What’s wrong? Maybe you’re pregnant!” I smiled back and laughed. What can you do in that situation? I continued working throughout that miscarriage.

Three months later, we were pregnant again. This time, I made an appointment to go see my OB/Gyn doctor the minute I got pregnant. We observed closely with serial ultrasounds. It wasn’t long before we realized the baby was not growing appropriately and at 9 weeks, the baby measured 6w3d and had no heartbeat. I opted to wait for a miscarriage. Luckily, this time, it happened between shifts at work.

This fourth one happened when I was at 8 weeks. I had an ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. I again waited for a spontaneous miscarriage. This time, they wanted me to collect tissue for further testing. I started bleeding on a Friday morning on my way to work. I continued spotting all week long. finally, a week later, I started having severe cramping. I was wearing pads to soak the bleeding. I was changing the pads every couple of hours. I woke up in the middle of the night feeling wet. I realized my pajamas and bedsheets were soaked in blood. I continued to have heavy bleeding. I was supposed to work the next morning. That was the first time over 4 years that I have ever called in sick. The tissue finally passed, and I caught it with a clunk in a container.

I’ve gone through all the blood testing, all the karyotyping. I’ve tried aspirin and progesterone. Nothing has worked. I meet with my new infertility doctor on Friday. I feel helpless, but I am trying my best to maintain hope. I try to stay strong. For my patients. For my husband. Nothing makes him sadder than when I cry. I have always been a strongly positive person; it is hard to stay positive at the core of it all right now. Especially when so many people depend on me to always be the uplifting one. For the first time in my life, I find myself thinking, “why is this happening to me?”

One of my co-workers knows what I am going through. For everyone else, I feel like I am leading a double life.

  Margaret wrote @ December 1, 2009 at 3:40 am

Testimonial on: how I went through the MISOPROSTOL experience in a way that nurtured me physically and emotionally.

My doctor told me clinically what I might expect, but that wasn’t enough for me. So I developed my own approach, based on internet research, consult with yoga instructors, my naturopathic physician, and a medical intuitive. You will not get this information from your OB, but she would also not find concern in any of it. It is gentle and all natural.

The timing, pain intensity, amount of blood experienced through this process is unique to each woman who goes through it. What I describe below is what worked for me. I did not use any prescription or over the counter pain killers. Didn’t need it.

My experience was at times painful, but not as painful as I anticipated. Not as much blood as I had imagined either. The medication took exactly 4 hrs to kick in. The episodes of contractions lasted about 2 ½ hrs. After that, I was worn out physically and emotionally and slept the entire next day and much of the following day.

In short, to ease cramping pain and discomfort, as it ebbs and flows:
• Have a friend with you to nurture you and take care of you. Now is not the time to be your own hero. Your close friend will be honored to support you during this transcendent experience
• Hot water bottle (or heating pad) for your abdomen
• Modified butterfly pose (easy yoga pose to do in bed)
• Take Arnica, a natural remedy for physical and psychological trauma
• Gentle essential oils such as rose: for your skin, temples, wrists, chest, or just to inhale
• Ginger tea made from fresh ginger root
• Long deep breathing (taught as Ujayi breath in yoga)
• Create melatonin and calm naturally
• Give yourself permission to experience this fully. Let your body do whatever it needs to do: cry, talk, be angry, scared, sad, etc

Details on each are as follows:

1) Have a compassionate friend with you: Leave all other people and distractions out of this experience. The most important thing is to focus on you, and your powerful body will do the rest. My partner wanted to be with me, but I honestly didn’t want his masculine energy during this. Intuitively I knew I wanted and needed a woman’s support. She can hold your hand, sit with you, bring you warm tea, keep you hydrated, listen to you, wipe your tears, and even be a warm body next to you as you are shivering cold. I am honored that my dear friend Julie took care of me into the night, during a most challenging time for me. Her soft feminine touch and demeanor was so soothing and reassuring. She happens to also be a trained in Reiki and is a trained yoga instructor. I have no doubt that Julie used all her resources to support me- I had moments when I was scared, when I was delirious with pain, and when I rattled on in a stream of consciousness kind of way about all kinds of things during incoherent moments.

2) Hot water bottle (that old fashioned looking thing): filled with warm water held to my abdomen

3) Modified butterfly pose: this yoga pose can be done while you’re in lying in bed under your covers with your hot water bottle on your stomach. Be sure to support your knees with pillows. This pose relaxes your groin and reproductive area and helps ease menstrual cramping. For info and easy instructions:
http://www.wikihealth.com/Yoga_for_miscarriage#Modified_Butterfly_pose

4) Arnica: Arnica 30 is a natural homeopathic for the relief of pains, bruises and shock. It is good to relieve fear, panic, anxiety. Arnic 200c for any big shock to the body, either physical or psychological. Homeopathy is non contraindicatory- meaning it doesn’t interact negatively with other medicines. But do stay away from strong scented stuff, like peppermint and tea trea oil while using arnica. For info:
http://www.yourverygoodhealth.co.uk/firstaid/default.asp

5) Essential oils: Good for smelling to lift your spirits, to break up the moment, to elevate your energy. I chose several gentle high vibration oils: rose, jojoba, and sandalwood. If you mix some drops in with olive oil (or almond oil, coconut, grapeseed oil, or shea butter) it makes a very nice moisturizer. My girlfriend taking care of me offered to rub my feet but I was too in the moment with the pains. Instead she passed the open bottle of essential oil under my nose. It was a welcome reprieve that lifted me from the moment.

6) Ginger root tea: Cut up some fresh ginger root and simmer it in a pot of water on the stove. This tea is good for easing the pain and building internal body heat.

The following actions were absolutely key in easing my pain and giving me an immediate sense of calm and high following each painful series of cramping:

7) Breathing exercise, called Ujayi (u-j-i-ee): Enables you to take in enough oxygen and helps the body release toxins. It is a balancing and calming breath and builds internal body heat. If you can’t access the info or video below, just remember to breathe, long deep breathing. Your attendant fried could help remind you to breath- not by telling you in words. She could just sit with you and breath long inhales and exhales- you will pick up on it. And her calm will be good for you.

For video instructions:
http://www.ehow.com/video_4958948_3rd-trimester-prenatal-yoga-breathing.html

The breath used in yoga is known as Ujayi (u-j-i-ee) and is a breath taken in to and out of the nose. The breath is drawn slowly in to the body so can help to clam you and also relax the body, stopping you from tensing up and giving you a tool to be able to actively manage your body’s reaction. The more you can relax the body the easier your experience will be. You can learn to breathe through the pain. For info: http://www.reassur3d.com/pages/R3d_yoga.html

8) Go to your sense of Intuition via the Brow Chakra, also called the “third eye.”
Our avenue to wisdom (our intuition), learning from our experiences and putting them in perspective. The spiritual center called the third eye happens to be the pineal gland, located in the middle of your brain. The pineal glad secretes melatonin during times of relaxation and visualization. The third eye is stimulated by focusing on the center of the forehead between your eyebrows. It is associated with clear site and clear insite. So it is no wonder that by focusing on that spot between my brows while doing my breathing exercise during painful moments, I was able to achieve a great fortitude and mental focus creating inner peace. For me, that spot feels warm and nurturing, like comfort food. I don’t have a good grasp on the science or the spirituality on this one in order to explain it well, but I can say with certainty that it was easy to focus on my brow chakra because it feels good.

9) Allow the body to express:

Speak the words that come out: You know all those crazy feelings and emotions you’ve been having for the past few weeks? Well, they came back for me during the moments of intense pain. I don’t know why. Best I can understand is that those painful times were so intense that my whole self was involved. Let it out is all I can say. For some reason, somewhere during the ebb and flow of contractions, each time I began to blabber on about all the sadness, anger, confusion, hurt, and crazy stuff. I’m sure there were lots of incomplete thoughts and some very desperate stuff. Thank goodness Julie didn’t engage me in a conversation during or after all that. She also didn’t suppose I needed her to respond or to fix any of my delusional anxst.

Deep sobbing and crying happened immediately after I was in pain for a bit (and had been doing the breathwork and talking as my mind dumped stuff out). I’m not sure how long that lasted, but as it subsided I noticed an amazing sense of calm all throughout my body, tingling in my face, and even euphoria. I felt so good immediately following those episodes that I quickly began to look forward to the release of sobbing and tears flowing.

I wish no woman has to go through this. But in the event that we do, or we know someone that has to, I hope that you might share this information with them. I plan on sharing this info with other women whenever possible. We need to know about these empowering options prior to even becoming a candidate for miscarriage.

  Nicole wrote @ December 7, 2009 at 12:05 pm

My husband and I (age 26) were trying to have our first baby before my father passed away from terminal cancer. In August, Hospice called all of our family together for his final days. I hadn’t told my mother our plan but finally thought it was time I did. The day after I told my mom, I decided to take a HPT and was shocked when it said PREGNANT. Even though it was early in the pregnancy (only about 5.5 weeks), we decided to tell the family since we were all gathered together and this was truly a blessing. My father was fading quickly, but we wanted to tell him the wonderful news. It was the last words I spoke to him. He was able to say that it was “awesome.” Two days later he died at the age of 52.

The entire family embraced the pregnancy since it was such a happy thing during such a sad time. I went to my OB/GYN at 8 weeks and had an ultrasound. Everything looked fine including the heartbeat! At about 13 weeks, the day before I was scheduled to have a check-up and listen to the baby’s heartbeat, I told my mom I felt like my uterus wasn’t expanding enough. I tried to push away the negative thoughts, but the next day I found out my fears were true. I went to the doctor and she tried to find the heartbeat. She sent me into the ultrasound room and we saw the lifeless baby. It had quit developing around 9 weeks, right after my last ultrasound.

I’ll never understand why two precious things were taken away from me in just two months time. But I know my dad is taking good care of our baby in Heaven.

  Megan wrote @ December 15, 2009 at 10:49 pm

I am 22 years old and a newlywed. My husband and I were married on August 22 of this year and to our surprise we conceived on Sept 7th. With my pregnancy I was extremely sick with constant vommiting and had to be hospitalized for 3 days. After I was released I had to take Zofran everyday twice a day. Other than the nausea I loved being pregnant, knowing my body was changing and thinking about the “new belly” i’d have for the holidays. I just felt complete. We started telling people almost before the HPT was dry. I had an u/s when I was admitted (at 6 weeks) and everything was fine you could even already see the heartbeat. I had no bleeding or any reason to believe that anything was going to go wrong.
My first regular u/s was schedualed for Nov. 5th and my husband and I were sooo excited. I had spent weeks looking on-line at other peoples 10 week u/s just to get an idea of what we would get to see and i drank alot of orange juice on our way in because I had read it make the baby move more. As soon and my obgyn started the u/s I knew something was wrong, her eyebrows were pushed together. She said she couldn’t find the heart beat and we may be dealing with “fetal demise” and that she was going to send me to radiology for a better look.
When I sat up to get dressed I began to cry, I made my husband leave the room while I put on my clothes ( I just didn’t want him looking at me naked and crying and just plain vonerable). When we went downstairs to radiology I thought to myself that my doctor was just wrong and that everything was fine. After the second ultrasound the tech. sent me back upstairs to the office with out saying anything and I was crushed. My doctor didn’t have to say a word. I had a D&C 6 days later and I am still spotting from that. It has been 4 weeks and 6 days and I still deffinately don’t feel myself. I often wonder how big my belly would be now and I still keep track of how far along I’d be. I am not sure if that’s health but I can’t stop thinking as if I am still pregnant. I guess “only time will heal” because I sure haven’t found anything else that does.

  Katrina 30yrs old wrote @ December 16, 2009 at 7:52 pm

My husband and i after 6 years of talking about it, were so very excited when i did the 12th pregnancy test..it came up with the faintest line, we could hardley see it but already knew we were pregnant, we wrer over the moon, we have such a loving relationship that there is soo much love to give to our own little creation :) the 1st time we tried we fell pregnant and it was quite hard work figuring out my ovelation day since i get my periods every 36-39days since i’ve been on the pill for 9 years and off it for 6 moths..the next day we did 3 more tests and god the positive was brighter than before, it was a in your face “YOU’RE PREGNANT” i saw my GP got a blood test followed by a “cogratulations you are approx 6-7weeks pregnant” god it was the best news ever, i cried for days cause we were so happy, my parent were so happy, our closest friends were over the moon, it was a perfect start, my breast have been enlarged and extra sensative, i felt like i was going to be a mummy in 7moths, best feeling ever…nobody could ever tell me that 2 weeks later i would be sitting by my coputer crying my eyes out googleing any thing to help me stop feeling this miserable and empty…it’s exactly 4 days ago i woke up after having a horrible realistic dream that i miscarried my beautiful supportive husband tried to laugh me off said i’m silly we’re pregnant and i should stop thinking negative..it was just a silly dream!! that day after a wee i wiped and noticed small pink-brownish trace on the toiletpaper, my heart jumped to my throat i showed my husband and he reassured me that it does happen to too many women who have healthy pregnancies, he has plenty of friends whos wifes spotted thru the 1st 3 moths…but i knew something was wrong, my breast didn’t feel as sensative, and from the moment i saw the wipe i felt empty inside, i alarmed my mother who also stayed positive since she spotted on and off when she carried me..next day i saw my GP she sent me for a hCG test and ultrasound, the transveginal ultrasound confirmed my worst fear, and my husband not being allowed in with me just tore me apart..it confirmed that infact i was empty, there was no sign of a yolk, or sac, or fetus, i was in a shock, my husband too when i told him..that night i was spotting fresh blood, wipes of it, telling myself maybe they miscalculated my term and i convinced myself its too early to see anything on scan, i did a home pregnancy test and within 1 second it was positive (not relising that the hormones stay in you even after a loss) that day i was getting awful long cramps in lower back and lower tummy, i rushed to my GP she said that my hCG was 350 it could mean yes it’s too early for scan, or that i lost pregnancy having a 1st trimester miscarrige and a follow up hCG was taken the next morning…i knew i lost it, i felt it, i didn’t want to admit it but i knew, i lost 4kg, my breasts went back to normal, i just felt empty and after last blood test i went to loo i saw fresh clot like blood gushed out of me, i tried to stop it and only caught the worst liver like clot bits, the size od large grape, very hard in texture with whie needle like hair bits, god it’s so bloody hard, nobody can prepare you for this, and us women being so sensative and emotional the second a Dr congratulates you on being pregnant your life just seems that little bit of perfect…my Dr called me with results my hCG dropped to 250 and since the ultrasound was clean, i was advised that i will naturally “expell” it all for 3-5days, i’m bleeding bad, crying my eyes out, i just can’t seem to find a logic explanation for any of this, am i being punished for something?why can’t i give my husband a helthy baby 1st time around? will this happen again? Why does this happen to soo many beautiful and healthy women who all they want is a child? I’m so emotionally worn out…My dreams are awful, and the moment i wake up i get this sense of grief, i don’t want to work cause seeing all the beatiful babies and lucky mothers makes me break down..my friends say this happens to all women who were on the pill for more than 5yrs, but if that’s the case why don’t Drs warn us about that when they put us on the pill year after year…God i pray that all these beautiful women who’s stories have touched me, and myself, go on having a healthy pregnancy and beautiful children next time around, because no one deserves to go thru this…again!

  Deanna wrote @ December 17, 2009 at 4:16 am

Katrina,

I am so sorry for this heartbreaking loss. I want to clarify that there is no connection between being on birth control pills for years and then having a miscarriage. Genetic miscarriages are a terrible and sad part of human reproduction, but they are not necessarily caused by anything but the fragile state of our DNA, which often has errors as it tries to divide cells to make a very complex and beautiful human being.

  Lisa wrote @ December 30, 2009 at 12:18 pm

I beat the Depo odds of conceiving after I got off the shot of 12 years, but I did not beat the odds of early miscarriages aka Chemical Pregnancy.
Dr’s said it could take 1-2 years after getting off the Depo shot to have regular cycles and to conceive. With that long time frame in mind I got off and conceived two months later.
After 12 pregnancy test (all different brands, and I might add that I LOVE digital test) we were both so very excited. Pregnancy went well with no sickness and my first doctors visit was scheduled for the 21st of December. Based on ovulation test and my last cycle I would have been 6 weeks along. That Saturday before I went shopping with a friend and yes I purchased a baby bedding set, it was cute pink ladybugs. My husband laughed and only said that I could not decorate the baby’s room in pink ladybugs if it was a boy, I agreed! I hung baby slippers on the Christmas tree we just put up the night before and I started thinking of ways to decorate the baby’s room. How much longer do I have to wait to find out if it’s a boy or a girl? Arrgggh!
That Saturday night my husband and I enjoyed a meal out at a restaurant and I started to feel aching in my lower back. I asked him to finish his meal or to get it to go so I could get home and lay down. The aching was constant and somewhat painful. When I got home I went to the restroom and noticed a lot of fresh blood. I instantly broke down and started sobbing uncontrollably. I knew what was happening. We went to the ER room and blood test showed a 7, should have been in the thousands. That Monday I kept my Dr’s appointment where an ultra sound showed nothing and my Dr reassured me that this was all too common and there was nothing wrong with us and this showed all of us that everything is working the way it should be. We were given the “Ok” to try again right away. Luckily everything came out on it’s own and I bleed heavy for about 3 days, total bleeding was 5 days with one day of spotting.
Pregnancy symptoms: Tender breast and positive pregnancy test (multiple test), slight cramping on/off for the first 2 weeks.
I read about chemical pregnancies in the What to Expect When Expecting book and took another pregnancy test 5 days later, both of which showed positive. Three days after my last positive test I miscarried.
I’m doing okay and the hardest part is dealing with everyone’s “I’m so sorry” afterward, it lingers and keeps coming up. It makes complete sense now why they say you may want to keep it quiet until after the first trimester. We were thrilled and told everybody! The next we conceive (hopefully soon) we will keep it quiet until after the first trimester…hopefully anyway.
Love your website!

  Tina wrote @ January 1, 2010 at 6:48 am

Hello. This webite has been a tremendous help for me. My first loss was at 14 weeks, happened on memorial day of this year. It was a very problematic pregnancy from very early on. After countless trips to the OB, ER , and bedrest, I had a completely spontaneous miscarriage that was complicated by a uterine septum. Happened at home, my hubby came home and found me in a bad way. It was the most horrible, painful ,scariest thing I’ve ever gone through. I then developed an infection that required a night in the hospital. Recovered(physically) well from it. I had surgery in Aug 2009 to remove the septum by a wonderful RE. Surgery went great. Got pregnant in OCT 2009, and lost the pregnancy at 8 weeks. I had a D&C 2 days before xmas. I have since recovered from that. I’m still under the care of the RE, he is a truley wonderful doctor! My hubby and I have faith that this coming year will be brighter. Its so helpful to know that I am not alone , there are so many other couples that have experienced this heartache , more than once. It has been so helpful for me to read of your stories. Stay strong out there, you are all in my thoughts and prayers! I miss my babies I lost, and it has been hard with holidays, but my hubby and I are hopeful for this new year!

  Lada wrote @ January 6, 2010 at 10:41 pm

My husband and I have been trying for our second child for over a year. Finally, we were pregnant. My periods are pretty irregular so missing a cycle or just be late is “normal” to me. This time I felt it, I knew I was pregnant.
Everything was wonderful, I felt great, the baby was growing normally, no signs of distress. Then, we made a critical decision about getting vaccinated for H1N1. I am extra paranoid and careful usually, on top of that, I’ve never had a flu shot before. All doctors were strongly advising for it so I did it. I got my H1N1 shot at 8 weeks pregnancy and everything felt OK. I wasn’t sick or achy (like my family members that did get the shot as well). 10 days after I received my vaccine, I checked myself into a hospital with an unusual bright yellow discharge. When I say yellow, I mean marker yellow. It just gushed out of me while I was shopping. It came so sudden and so much, I thought I was bleeding before I checked. At the hospital all I wanted to know if the baby had the heart beat which I had previously seen at my ultrasound session. The doctor reassured me that everything is fine, took couple of tests for infections and said if I am not actually bleeding, I am OK. Week 11, I had my routine ultrasound scheduled were I found out my baby had no heart beat. I thought I was going to lose my mind, I couldn’t breathe… My first pregnancy was so good, I could never imagine the possibility of anything going wrong this time. All I could think of is, how am I going to explain this to my 5 year old (she wants a sibling so bad). It was like a bad dream, all I can hear from the doc is the different options of removing the baby. My baby’s heart stopped beating at 8 weeks which is around the time I got my vaccine done. I’ve had no signs of miscarrying except the yellow discharge, it’s like my body didn’t want to give it away. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror because I looked pretty pregnant, I couldn’t stop crying. I’ve made my decision and had a D&C done December 3rd. I had some blood in my uterus 2 weeks post the surgery which is gone now. Despite of all the doctors reassuring me that losing this baby had nothing to do with the vaccine; I wake up every day with the weight on my shoulders about me making this decision and killing my baby. Since then, I know of 2 other women that lost their baby at 8 weeks and 13 weeks shortly after their H1N1 shot. What a coincidence! The doctors still can’t explain the “mysterious” yellow discharge I had, they say it doesn’t matter any more. By the way al the swab tests showed no presence of any infections. I am 5 weeks post my D&C and still waiting for my first period to arrive. I guess, it’s a first time in my life when I want it to come already. I’ve read everyone’s story and I have to say, my heart goes out for you, I feel your pain. It shows how precious our lives are and everything literally changes in a heartbeat. I am praying to God to give us all strength and patience. God bless our little angels in heaven…

  Deanna wrote @ January 7, 2010 at 11:03 am

I wanted to point out that I have posted on the issue of H1N1 vaccine and miscarriage on the main part of the site. Take a look at all the the things to consider as you decide whether or not to get the vaccine when you are pregnant: http://pregnancyloss.info/2009/12/lets-talk-about-swine-flu-and-miscarriage/

  Kat wrote @ January 15, 2010 at 8:31 am

my partner and I, who have been together for 8 years, decided December 2008 that we should begin thinking about trying for our own little baby. We started in earnest in February 2009 after I had been off the pill for a while, and my prenatals would have kicked in. In November, after what I had thought was another failed month, because my “period” came early, I just had a feeling that I should test…my period had lasted 4 days and I bled enough to use tampons, so I initially didn’t think it was implantation…anyway, I tested about two days after that, and there it was, a faint positive! My boyfriend and I were so ecstatic, we spent the next few days grinning at each other like idiots! I went to the doc at 5 weeks to get my blood test to confirm pregnancy, and told her about the 4 days of bleeding…she said she thought it was probably implantation bleeding, but she suggested I get my HCG levels checked. the first was around 504 which was ok for 5 weeks. Two days later, it hadn’t gone up as much as they’d hoped, but it was still normal. They asked me to come in for another one, and that number had doubled…I was reassured that all was fine, and I should enjoy myself. I then booked an appointment for January 14th for my first scan which would have made me 9 weeks. We were both so excited, because we were going to tell friends and family on the 13th February as this is our anniversary day, and just around valentines. Then, on the 21st December, while visiting my boyf’s father for a family get-together, after going for a pee, I had some blood. my blood ran cold and I came out of the bathroom and sat next to my boyf, he immediately asked what the matter was, and I mouthed that I was bleeding. I then had to fake smiles and laughs while we made our excuses and went home. The next day, there was more bright red blood, so I called the doctor and they said I should come through. Because it was so sudden, I didn’t get to see my doc, and the woman that checked me was so cold, she made it sound so matter of fact, because it happens every day…which I know, but it doesn’t happen every day to ME! She did a scan, and said she could see the sac, and my cervix was closed, but the sac measured me at around 4 weeks, but I knew I was 6 weeks because I temp and know when I ovulate. She basically told me to go home and wait and see, it could go either way, but they took more blood for another HCG test. She said I should call her the following afternoon for my results. I had an awful evening and day, and spent around an hour trying to contact them to find out my results…eventually at 4pm, she calls me back, I ask how she is, and she says in this really friendly happy voice that she’s fine (which gives me hope, because you assume that if someone calls with bad news, they don’t sound so bloody chipper), then proceeds to say, but I have bad news for you, your HCG had dropped, you are miscarrying. After holding on to a little bit of hope, I had my heart crushed in that instant. I dedided to wait it out, as it was such an early miscarriage and had the most awful Christmas ever. We had a huge family function, and my bf’s mom desperately wants grandkids, and kept on making comments, I didn’t think I’d be strong enough, but I was. The bleeding was pretty much like a period with some cramping, and a sore back, but the last two days the blood gushed out of me like I should have been in a horror movie. I was in the bathroom getting ready to jump in the shower when it just poured out of me on the bathroom mats and tiles, and I just stayed in there, crying and trying to clean everything up. I think the hardest thing was that I really felt like my partner had no idea. about 4 days after christmas he had to go to his sisters for a bbq (an uncle up from overseas that they never get to see was there), I obviously didn’t want to go, but told him to go anyway, and that turned out to be the worst day. I thought he’d be gone for an hour or two, but he left me for 10 hours…and when he got home he was all surprised that I was an emotional wreck. I asked him how he could have gone for so long, and he told me I should have asked him to come home earlier. I then told him that I thought that wasn’t something I had to ask for and explained to him that just because the doctor told us 7 days ago that we’d lost the baby…I was still in the process of it happening, maybe it felt over for him, but I was the one wiping away chunks of tissue and blood every day… He was really supportive for the first few days, but I think after that, he just couldn’t understand why I acted normal for a couple of hours on end, then would start crying again. And its the kind of crying where you are not sobbing, tears just start seeping through your puffed up eyes and your throat constricts and you just can’t stop it. It’s not crying with passion, it’s crying with hopelessness…I think he felt completely useless and helpless, which made him frustrated…and I know he also greived for our baby to be…anyway, I went for one last scan about 8 days after my first, and she said everything was gone. so, here I sit, 3 weeks after, and in another week, I’ll have been empty of a baby as long as I had one growing in me. I really wish that things had been different, and I’m trying really hard not to be jealous of girls who have no hassles, but insist on complaining about every bout of nausea or back ache. I would give anything to be puking into a toilet right now if it meant I was pregnant. The only thing I can think of that offers me some comfort is that I believe that life never throws us more than we can handle, so ladies, we must be super strong! my baby is coming soon, I know he is…and with a little luck and a lot of prayer, so are yours.

  Janet Charles wrote @ January 24, 2010 at 1:03 am

I found out I was pregnant on Dec 11th at the age of 41. I was 51/2 weeks pregnant. I was in shock but happy. After not using birth control for a few years, I had started to think that I couldn’t get pregnant. On January 4th I started spotting. The cramps with clots began 2 days later. 5 days after that the baby came out, still in the sac. I had told everyone about my pregnancy, now I had to tell EVERYONE about my miscarriage. I am so angry that my own body has betrayed me. I hate that I flushed my baby down the toilet at work and went back in and finished my shift. What the hell is wrong with me? Thank god for this website. Nowhere else was I able to get some straighforward answers about what to expect during a miscarriage.

  Ash wrote @ January 26, 2010 at 4:50 pm

i dunno where to go and im freakin out. someone please help me…i dunno if i had a miscarriage or not and its making me crazy. i cant find the place to write the owner of this page or anything. i keep looking at all the stuff and i cant find much thats helping……….
i’ve been married for almost 2 years and we wanted to get pregnant right away but havent been able to. we went to the doctor and he said im fine but we needed to get some tests done for my hubby. we live in Guatemala so, things arent as easy to do as in the US. we hope to have the money and chance to get the tests done this months, but … every time before my period i “feel” pregnant, wishful thinking….but this time i wasnt sure, but i was about a week late. i had all the symptoms but i always do like PMS….so i dunno. thursday i started having a weird spotting, but hardly any….brown. and i got excited and thought it was whats it called…placement bleeding or something like that….because normally the first day of my period i have horrible cramps and lots of blood. but i had no cramps and barely any blood. friday was the same. Saturday i started bleeding a bit more, and sunday night was when i really got worried….a semi large goop of tissue came out…it was different than ive ever had before. i got worried, showed my husband, and threw it in the toilet….yesterday and today (monday and tuesday) i’ve bleed more than usual. especially for the 5-6th days of my period.its not like people say where its huge amounts of blood, but its more than usual and redder than usual. i dont have cramps at all….HELP please

  Ash wrote @ January 26, 2010 at 4:53 pm

and i agree with Janet…about hating my bodying for tricking me and hating myself for possibly flushing my baby down the toilet and living my life like nothing because i dont know!!!!!!

  MARILYN wrote @ February 8, 2010 at 4:09 am

at age 33 my husband and I finally decided we were ready for a child, and I was exstatic, I was ready , and immaculate in my preparation for a baby.
after a few months of trying I was pregnant . I was on cloud nine, planning, reading, eating well, and preparing .
at 6 weeks I started a light brown discharge that only appeared after going to the toilet, my OBGYN assured me not to worry at this stage as spotting can be normal. However it continued and my Doc ordered me to bed rest , but that didnt help, when I went in for a check up, there was no heartbeat to be found, my Doc did a number of tests to confirm the miscarriage, I was devastated , I had to go in for a DNC.
When I awoke after the DNC I felt so empty and an overwhelming sense of loss, I couldnt hold back the emotion and sobbed in front of everyone, I just couldnt hold it in , I was in such loss, and pain no words could explain it . I had some wonderful nursing staff who encouraged and comforted me.
after a week or so I felt that if I got pregnant again it would certainly work out 2nd time around( 1st time unlucky)

I got pregnant rather quickly, and this time at 7weeks I went straight to my Doc for an ultrasound and there we saw the little heartbeat. I was reassured this was all going to work out fine . I was impecable with my diet and pregnancy regime, I had all the hope in the world I was positive and happy I started a diary where I wrote to my baby everyday.
I was however also very cautious , I was aware of how it can all turn in an instant & that left me somewhat anxious as well, I constantly had nightmares about my baby being deformed , or about me neglecting my baby, but I had read that these are normal types of dreams that pregnant woman experience , it is a normal part of the anxiety over the health of your baby.
at 12 weeks I started spotting again, mostly only after going to the toilet . My Doc was concerned but said that I should only come in if it continues. It started and stopped and started and then stopped, I eventually couldnt take it anymore and went in for a check up. My doc could not find a heartbeat anymore and struggled to even see the baby, the baby had died early on and yet my body had carried on with the pregnancy.
I had to go in for another DNC, I believe I turned into a serious state of denial after this. I refused to face the deep pain I was feeling the loss and the helplessness. after numerous tests were performed , the results confirmed a chromosomal abnormailty . My Doc encouraged me to try one more time , but I have not got there yet , it has been 2years and I cannot bring myself to try again. My sister and my sister-in-law have since each had a child and it just becomes more devastating for me each time I see them happy with their babies , I avoid too much visitation with them because they always think that I want to hold their babies, because I am the sad sack that hasnt been able to have her own, but I cant, I just dont even want to see them and their babies, I dont begrudge them their happiness, I can understand their happiness, but I am sad and angry, and confused about my situation .

I have suffered many setbacks as a result of these miscarriages, I have severe loss of libido, and ,my previous positive happy demeanor has become a serious and cynical one, I dont pray anymore, and I cant bring myself to go to church anymore , I dont feel like being around pregnant woman or woman with babies. Dont get me wrong I did seek proffesional help, I went to a psychologist and even went on medication and anti-anxiety pills.
not much has helped, because ther are times when I feel such loss, and such fear for trying again. I have at this stage adopted an attitude of not wanting children at all, and that position is getting stronger and stronger each day. I just hope for the day when I can rejoice and not have that sinking feeling when other woman around me have babies and rejoice in their children. At this point I dont want children but I do want peace of mind , I dont know if that is possible , I know that perhaps me deciding not to have children might be a defense mechanism, but for now it kind of gives me some form armour

  laura haden wrote @ February 9, 2010 at 1:04 pm

january 31st january 08 i had a happy healthy 6pound 3 0z bby girl Emieliea, she is now 2yrs old and perfect! in march 2009 i found i was pregnant again and so excited 1st scan everythings fine, 5month scan i found out the bby had spina bifida and all associated problems along with it he had a 0.1% chance of survial and most likley wld of died as he got bigger inside me, i had early labour an i had him 18th july 2009 my son michael david mark, born at 1pound 1 0z, i was completly devestated, we again decided to try again the doctors prescribed 5mg of folic acid to take daily for 3 months brfore conception an throught the pregnancy, surly enough 31st of january on my daughters birthday! we were completely over the moon straight to the doctors to confirm the pregnancy, i had to wait 6 days 4 the results to return bk from the hospital 2days before i got the pregnancy confirmed, i miscarried, i went to hand in my disscharge papers the doctor before the letter said yes your pregnant, im worried that its going to happen again , i wld be grateful for a return email on any help in having a sucsseful 4th pregnancy, thank you xx

  Ruth Mallon wrote @ February 12, 2010 at 5:21 am

I am a mummy to 2 very wonderful children, Dylan age 5 and Darcey 8 months. On monday I found out I had lost my third child! I was told at my 12 week dating scan that my baby had died around 9 weeks, he/she was 23mm! I had a d and c on weds and am now left with the reality of trying to come to terms with what has happened. When I had the d and c I felt as though I was having a termination, I still felt pregnant. My breasts were sore, my belly was swollen…I know that this is because of the hormones still in my body but even that knowledge couldn’t take away the guilt I felt as I was taken to theatre. I am trying to get my head round ‘why’ and ‘when’. I’m constantly trying to remember everything I did at 9 weeks looking for any indication of when my baby may have died. I know realistically that the most probable cause was something to do with the development and that what happened was natures way of being kind to the baby, it doesn’t make it any easier though. I feel cheated! I wanted my baby and would have loved and cared for it whatever problems it may have had. Nature took that away from me. Two of my best friends are also pregnant and we were all due to have our babies within 3 weeks of each other. Although I am very happy for my friends I know that I’m going to have constant reminders of my lost baby forever, when their babies are born, have birthdays, start school…..my baby should have been having all those things too. I’m not sure how I’m going to cope with that! At the moment I’m feeling very numb and empty but have this overwhelming urge to become pregnant again. I’m not sure if this is normal or because of the leftover hormones. My partner says we can try when I’m ready, other people think I need to wait a few months but I’m not sure I can. After reading the many stories on this site I realise how lucky I am, I have 2 beautiful children and have only suffered 1 loss. My heart goes out to every woman who has been unfotunate to experience the loss of any baby. My thoughts are with you all xxx

  Ama wrote @ February 25, 2010 at 9:05 pm

I miscarried at 7 weeks on the dot on Sept.21, 2009. It was the day before my parent’s 30 year wedding anniversary. A week prior I’d had some spotting and went to ER after work. I work in a hospital. So I got examined and they booked me for an ultrasound the next morning first thing. That morning, there was a live single fetus with a heartbeat of 112-124 beats per minute and a tiny implantation hemmorhage inferior to the gestational sac. I was told everything would be fine but to come back if i experienced anymore spotting or if it got heavier. I felt relieved, happy that everything would be fine but yet there was a something inside me that told me all wasn’t going to be fine. The weekend came and I started getting awful cramps. The spotting started again but I tried to go to sleep. I woke up at 3 am in excruciating pain, went to the bathroom and there were huge clots coming out. I didnt want to wake my husband as I didnt want him to miss work and besides, what could he do anyways? I spent the rest of the wee hours in a hospital room alone, getting examined which feels like more of a violation when you know theres no baby. I knew in my heart when I saw those clots my baby was gone. I prayed and prayed and begged God not to take my baby but it didnt help. At 6 am i called my mother and she came to be with me. My husband got up for work and frantically called my cell. I told him in tears that we werent going to be parents after all. He wanted to come but I said no since my mom was there. I told him go to work cause we need the money. I think I was in shock. If it wasnt for my mom I dont know what Id do. Of course that morning of the 21 they did another ultrsound and they confirmed what I already knew, the baby was gone. I had what they call a spontaneous abortion. I didnt require a d & c but it was very painful cramps and such a let down. The bad thing is my husbands cousin and her husband lost their baby on the very same day and were already pregnant again by November and it was like his family couldn’t wait to tell me, which made me feel like an even bigger loser than I already did. Well here it is, the end of Feb 2010 and we still haven’t conceived. This was supposed to be our year. We even took a tropical vacay during my ovulation in hopes of conceiving then since we would be away from all the stress, but that didnt work. I was due May 10. My 30 bday is coming in April and I dont even want to celebrate. If I hadn’t miscarried, I’d be excited to celebrate all jolly and pregnant, but I’m not and I feel old not to have even had a child yet. I feel like our dream of having a family is never going to happen. I would love to adopt but my husband doesn’t really seem into that so I guess we’ll try a little bit longer then resort to fertility treatments. I also lost my faith in God after this. I know so many people who dont take care of themselves go on to have healthy babies they end up neglecting and I who did everything right had to lose a baby that would have been so beyond adored. I don’t believe in anything anymore, the only thing you can believe in is yourself I think. I’m going to keep trying and hope for the best, hopefully we don’t need fertility treatments but if we do, theres nothing I can do about it cause I want to be a mom more than anything and I wont let anything stand in my way.

  Darcy wrote @ March 11, 2010 at 2:28 am

I found out I was pregnant March 1st of 2010. I was only a couple of days late, and decided to take a test just in case. When I saw the little pink line appear, I will never forget what I felt. I was not planning on having a baby, but I knew it could happen. I was in shock. I went and bought more tests, just to be sure. My boyfriend and I went through some emotional days figuring out what we were going to do. By the end of that week, we had decided we were going to keep it. He was a little distant, not really wanting to talk about it too much yet. He was very scared. So was I! But I went out and bought a ton of healthy food to eat, and made a doctor’s appointment. I started taking my prenatal vitamins and read everything I could find on pregnancy and childbirth. I bookmarked every week-by-week website and went through every week so I could prepare for what was to come. My baby was the size of a poppyseed. I kept trying to feel close to it, to feel like it was really there. Thursday night, I had pain in my lower back that would not subside. I just thought it was part of being pregnant. I also had slight cramping but nothing to cause any worry. Saturday night, there was pink on the toilet paper. I began to panic, I knew that something was wrong. Sunday morning, there was more pink but it was a tad darker and there was more of it. I called out of work and went to the emergency room. I was terrified, and I knew that something was not right. The doctor examined me, and said that my cervix was closed, and that it was a very good sign. I began actually bleeding after the exam. I had an ultrasound, which proved inconclusive. I was still cramping. They said that my hCG level was 11. At the time I did not realize that this was extremely low, and should be much higher. My urine test was negative for pregnancy. She sent me home and said to return in 48 hours for a re-test. I took 3 home pregnancy tests, and I sat around with my feet up praying to God that everything would be alright. I couldn’t eat much, I couldn’t sleep, and I couldn’t bear to think of losing my baby. I kept telling myself that she was fine. I was extremely anxious. I continued to bleed through Monday. That night, I stopped and thought that that meant that everything would be okay. Despite all the clots I had passed, I allowed myself to hope. I had a dream Monday night, about a baby girl. She was about one years old, and was sitting in my lap resting her head on my chest, and I was rocking her. My baby came to me. Tuesday morning the bleeding resumed, along with skin-like looking material. I think I knew, at that point what was coming. I still hoped and prayed. Late that afternoon I returned to the hospital for my test, hopeful and scared. They took me right back and did the blood test. My boyfriend met me there, but he was not allowed to come back and wait for the results with me. The doctor came in finally, and told me that my levels had dropped to 4.5, and that my pregnancy was not going to continue. I was sitting in a room full of people, those sitting closest to me heard. I was embarrassed. I ran out to the waiting room and grabbed my boyfriend. The tears had started and I couldn’t speak. The nurse came after me and asked me to sign discharge papers. This happened yesterday. I feel like it has been eons, and yet I feel like it was five minutes ago. My child’s heartbeat was supposed to start beating this week. Her arm and leg buds were supposed to start forming soon, she was supposed to GROW. She is dead. My child is dead. My baby is dead. My daughter is dead. I felt with my heart that it was a girl, and I still do. A baby girl visited me in my dreams. I have named her Poppy, because I called her my little poppyseed while she was in my womb. I have not truly began to grieve. I have not fully realized what is happening, what has happened. I just want it to go away, and I want my baby BACK. I want my baby back. I want her back now! She was due November 6th.

My daughter was too good for this world, but she lives on in my heart and I know that we will meet in my dreams, until we can meet in heaven. I love her with all of my heart.

  betty wrote @ March 11, 2010 at 7:19 am

‘reassurance’ scans at the early stages aren’t that reaasuring in my view. i’m pregnant again, a few months after a miscarriage at 8 weeks. i won’t be going for any such scans this time around. in my first pregnancy, i was sent for an internal scan after i found i was bleeding lightly. they confirmed the heartbeat, size , etc and that it was a ‘viable’ pregnancy. within a few hours of getting home, the bleeding was heavier and i had cramps. i knew in my heart it was all over and i was right. the next day was xmas day and i did my best to get through having a ‘merry’ christmas. i lived with the uncertainty until boxing day night when it was finally confirmed. this time around, if there is any light bleeding, i’m doing nothing. if it’s going to happen, it will anyway and there’s nothing i or the doctors can do to prevent it. fingers crossed it doesn’t happen again.

  Michelle wrote @ March 17, 2010 at 10:32 pm

This website is such a wonderful gift. All the stories help justify all the feeling that noone seems to understand.

I found out I was pregnant February 8th. I have a son that is 2 and we had to see a fertility specialist to have him. We did not think we could have a child because we hadn’t been using birth control for years. I was 35 then and had PCOS. While I was pregnant, I developed a large tumor attached to my right ovary. They did not discover this until I was 37 weeks pregnant when I was in alot of pain. They had to do an emergency C-section to deliver my son and the remove the tumor immediately. The tumor was the size of an IV bag. They had to remove my right ovary and fallopian tube. Luckily, it was non cancerous. Since we had such a difficult time having our son (he was our miracle). We did not consider we would have another pregancy. I was on birth control, had recently been placed on thyroid medicine, and was taking antibotics. Needless to say these factors helped us become suprisingly pregnant. At first we were shocked-my husband had not wanted another baby. After the intial shock, by the next day we were thrilled. I told him we needed to wait to tell people until after the first trimester, neither of us did. I am 37 and my doctor immediatly had me come in for a blood test. The next day they called and said my HCG count verified I was pregnant, but probably early about 4-5 weeks along. They scheduled the first ultra sound for March 3. I never got to see the babies heartbeat. I found out I was pregnant on Monday. I started spotting dark brown blood on Friday about 4:00 with light cramping . Immediately I panicked and talked to the nurse. They said it was probably implantation bleeding, but I was terrified. As the night went on I continued to cramp only on the lower right side below the pelvic area. The pain continued to get worse. I was still only passing dark brown blood when I went to the bathroom. I called the nurse again this time because this had been going on about 8 hours. They told me to go to the emergency room. This was around midnight. I went alone while my husband stayed with our son. I believe at the time he thought I should wait, but I was really worried and I wanted to stop it if it was happening. Now, I know that I could not have prevented it. When I got to the emergency room they immediatly took me back. They did a papsmear a few hours later and said my cervix was still closed which still meant everything might be ok. I had a small amount of bleeding. They said they would also check my HCG counts. The two nurses and male doctor were so kind to me. Of course, I was in tears with fear. They had explained if I was having a miscarriage nothing could be done to prevent it. Once they checked my counts they said they were only 356. The doctor explained 356 was very low for the weeks I should be pregnant but as long as the number had not dropped since my counts on Monday at doctors office I might be ok. Of course I heard might be ok. My doctors office was in the same hospital which allowed them to retrieve my HCG counts. They had dropped from 693 on Monday to 356. He came in and explained I was having a micarriage. I started sobbing. They offered to call my husband and get me pain medication. At this point, I knew I could not hurt they baby so they gave me a pain shot. Shortly after, my husband came and got me. I had to follow up with my doctor on Monday. They had told me at the emergency room I may have to have a DNC, but the day I was to see my OB I naturally miscarried. I had bleed heavily and when I passed the tissue and sack I knew immediatly. They did an ultrasound at the Drs office to verify my womb was empty. I did miss work all that week. The doctor’s office was extremely difficult because other pregnant ladies were there to have ultrasounds. They were happy and I was crying in the lobby while my husband held my hand. I did not talk to anyone that week and told them I appreciated there prayers but I needed to be alone with family. At first I cried all the time, the worst was when the doctors office called to verify my first ultrasound of the baby. They forget to cancel the appointment when I had the miscarriage. Now, I am angry. I know I didn’t cause it but, the day before the miscarriage I was extremely upset. My father was in the hospital with terminal cancer. Luckily, he got to go home the next week. My grandmother was in another hospital with kidney failure. She past away last Saturday. I was not able to really think about everything that happened with the baby the last two weeks because so much other stuff was going on as well. I am not sleeping very well. This site seems to be the only thing that is giving me comfort. I accidently, overheard my husband telling one of his friends. I am driving him crazy. He told me I just needed to not think about it. I asked him if he wanted another baby if I thought we may try again. He said he wanted this baby that we lost, but he doesn’t want to try again. I keep relieving everything in my mind. I want to be ok…I want to be able to be happy again, but I am just really sad, angry, and confused. I am 37 and was fine with just having my son, but my baby I lost changed everything. I wanted this baby. I know everything happens for a reason. I believe in God but I have not been able to talk to him because I have been angry. I want to be able to have peace and trust that everything will be ok. I want to be able to feel God’s presence to comfort me. I ask that you say a prayer when you read this that I will have peace. Right now, I don’t have the heart to day the prayer. Writing this makes me feel that although, my pregnancy may have been early….this site will help my baby always be remembered.

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  Lauren wrote @ March 26, 2010 at 12:00 am

I done a home pregnancy test on 23rd January, I was convinced it would come up negative as it did once before, I waited 5 minutes and then looked at the test, I saw the two blue lines one faintly.. But there, I couldn’t believe my eyes i asked my boyfriend is it just me or is it there, and it was. It was my first pregnancy. I went to see my doctor on the 25th and he done another one and it came up positive again.. It was confirmed, I was so excited I started looking at clothes and cots and imagined what it would be like being a mum! Me and my boyfriend decided to call the baby Grace if it was a girl, And Reggie if a boy. On Valentines day 14th Febuary.. I went to the toilet and discovered Blood on my knickers i paniced and run to my mom and my boyfriend and hysterically cryed my mom told me to calm down and show her.. I look it easy for a few hours to see if i would stop, I didn’t I decided to go to the hospital where i could get it checked out I was waiting 4 hours with women with babies and toddlers it made me terribly upset when i got seen they got a gynecologist down i was booked to have a scan the following day, I had a ultrasound where the sac and the fetus was still in the womb, but i was only early on 6-7 weeks so she suggested a Trans vaginal scan which was much clearer but still no heartbeat but i was warned it was still early so a heartbeat might not be detectable at this stage, I went home on the tuesday I started getting cramps back off to the hospital as i arrived, i went to the toilet and felt something coming out it was the shape and size of a chilli pepper and i run out of the toilet and got the nurse where she examined is and said it was a clot. But i was convinced it was my baby. I then had an Internal where she got the rest of the clots out They kept me in over night because they was worried about the bleeding. I then had a scan the next morning where there was no more sac and no more baby, I was devastated I wasn’t going to be a mommy anymore. When i got home i put my pregnancy test, Baby socks, and vests, my valentines day card and all the leaflets about miscarriage in a bag and put them in my wardrobe I couldn’t bear it.. All i done was cry, I wanted my baby back I would of been 13 weeks and i would of seen my baby on the 15th of march on the 12 week ultra sound. All i get told is You can have more, or It just wasn’t meant to be, You wasn’t ready. But i don’t understand why me? what have i done wrong, I ate healthy, Didn’t smoke, Took folic acid. Done everything right and it still happened to me. I get awfully jealous of people that are pregnant. And i get very emotional all the time, I will always remember my baby. You just can’t help but think of what was going to be. But i’ve got my little angel watching over.

  Jen wrote @ April 29, 2010 at 4:54 am

I’m 24 years old. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby since we got married a year and a half ago. We knew from the start that it may be very hard for us to concieve a child because I have been diagnosed with polycistic ovarion syndrome. After a year of trying to concieve a child we decided to seek medical help. We both started having test done. When I went into see my ob/gyn for the last of my test results she told me I was pregnant. My husband and I were over joyed with the fact that we were going to have a baby on our own with no medical help after all this time. My doctor had told me that she wanted to moniter my hcg levels cause they were a little low and she wanted to make sure that everything was progressing as it should. So that same day I went in for blood work and asked my doctor if I should come back to see her for the results. She told me not to come in because she is 2 hours from where I live she told me I could just call in a week to get the results. I called her office the following week to ask what my hcg level was not expecting to be told what I was told. All the receptionist said was it is under 5 so you are no longer pregnant and hung up the phone with absolutly so explaination at all. I waited for a phone call from my doctor on what I should do now. I never recieved the phone call all I got was a message on my machine saying that I didn’t need to have more bloodwork done cause my level was back down and they had no worries. All I have been able to think about is how my doctor had acted like it was nothing at all. I was 5 weeks pregnant and lost the baby that I only knew about for 1 week. Despite only having that feeling that there was a baby for 1 week I fell more in love with that child then anyone in my whole life. This has only happened in the last few weeks and i’m still grieving for my child. While also grieving I keep thinking will I have another chance to have a baby because it is so hard for me to become pregnant. My husband and I have had many conversations in these few weeks about how we should approach this and if we should try again and what we should do if I have another miscarriage. My husband had helped my so much there would be no way I would have made it through this without his love and support.

  Nicole wrote @ May 14, 2010 at 3:57 pm

It has been exactly 11 days since I found out my little one was now with the angels.
This was my first pregnancy, my husband and I have been married for almost 4 years, and I was so excited to be pregnant. I was 13 weeks and 1 day pregnant when I had my routine checkup – I was so excited to hear the baby’s heartbeat. I was fortunate to have an ultrasound at 9 weeks and my husband and I witnessed the baby’s heartbeating, so I did not expect one this time. I brought my mom with me, so proud to be first time Grandma, I wanted to share this moment with her.
The nurse used the small doppler on my belly and had trouble finding the heartbeat. The craziest feeling went over me and I just knew something was wrong. I started to cry and the nurse assured me the baby was fine, but she then went to get my doctor. My doctor tried the doppler as well, but I already knew my baby had died. I cried non stop as the doctor went to get the ultrasound machine….I knew there was no reason for it.
I just glanced at the screen for a quick second because I could not believe what was happening to me. I saw my lifeless little one and could tell that the body shape was abnormal. I cried…and cried and cried. My husband met me at the doctors, he was all that I wanted for that moment.
My D&C was scheduled for the following day. The hospital, my doctor and all the nurses were absolutely amazing. As emotional and sad as I was, they really helped me cope and understand what was going on. The surgery was easy and so was the recovery, the hardest part is the emotional aspect of losing your unborn child.
Everyday I think about my baby and there is nothing that truly makes sense to me. I just wish this whole thing never happened and my little one would be in my arms this November. Unfortunately, I know this is realty and I have to make it through one day at a time.
I thank God for giving me my husband as he has been so amazing though the entire process. Our love has grown stronger and I know we will be great parents some day.

  Grace wrote @ June 16, 2010 at 12:03 pm

It has only been 2 days since I learned that I lost you. I still don’t know if I will be having a d&c yet. I have had no major cramping, just bleeding. Yesterday I was supposed to have my first scan, supposed to see my little peanut and hear your heart beating. I was devastated on Monday when I went to use the bathroom and found blood. Your big sister was such an easy pregnancy, I guess I never dreamed we’d be here, no not me this doesn’t happen to our family. I have been crying all day and all night. The ultrasound confirmed my worst fears on Monday. They took your pictures and folded them up and put them in my file. Nothing like my last pregnancy, no cd of pictures to take home. Just me in tears in a dark ultrasound room. I’m so sad, my little baby I miss you so much. I know God is watching over all of us and that you are being raised and loved by him.
Yesterday I passed a clot, I don’t think it was you, but I could not bear to throw it away or flush it down the toilet so I wrapped you up and planted you with the earth. Somehow even that doesn’t seem right. I’m afraid that maybe I missed part of you and that you are now not whole. This morning I told myself that you left to be with God a while ago, that you probably had passed a couple of weeks ago and have been in heaven this whole time. It seems so incomplete and confusing today. I fear going through this again, I cannot imagine doing this again. We had found out we were pregnant exactly 3 years to the day that we found out we were pregnant with your big sister and you were due just 2 days after her, February 5th. How I will always think of you in February and every day, all of my days. I miss you my sweet baby for you were fearfully and wonderfully made. Rest comfy with God and in the arms of the angels my sweet love.

  Carey wrote @ June 18, 2010 at 10:37 pm

November of 2006 I found out that I was pregnant. I was excited but scared to tell my mother and step-father since I was not married yet (my wedding was only 3 months away). Sadly I let my mother talk me into an abortion. October of 2009 I found out that I was pregnant again. I was excited again and a little scared to tell my parents even though I was married. I did tell them and they were happy for me this time. 3 days after I found out I started spotting my OB told me not to worry and to lay on my left side and relax for a few days. When the spotting got worse I went into see my OB to do an ultrasound. I got in there and the only thing that we could see on the screen was the sac, the baby had not formed at all. Later that night I started to be in so much pain I ended up in the hospital and my OB ended up putting me under for a D&C the next day. My Dr. told me that we could try again right away that everything should be fine (which we did). I found out that I was pregnant May 17th 2010 and then went into the O/B what I thought was 7 weeks but I was wrong. I took my sister and one of my good friends with me since my hubby wasnt able to go. He did and ultrasound and I was measured at 6 weeks and the baby had a very strong heartbeat. My Dr. told me he wanted to see me again in 2 weeks. Just about a week ago which would have made me 8 weeks I started some very very light spotting. I went to see my Dr. the next day and he confirmed what I already knew… the baby had died. He wanted me to come in the next day so he could make sure. Later that night I started bleeding some more and cramping some. I was determind to go through this miscarriage naturally. I woke up at around 6 AM with toe curling contractions, and passed 3 huge blood clots. I went into the Drs. office later to find out that the clots that I had brought in were not the baby. The ultrasound was disgusting all you could see was clot after clot surrounding the baby. I said that I wanted to go through this naturally but my Dr. didnt suggest it since I had not even dialated. The next day I had another D&C. I went in for my checkup earlier today which is the 18th of June and my Dr. wanted to put me on birth control and wants me to see a Genetic Counselor before I get pregnant again. I told him that I wasnt going to go on birth control and he said that I need to call him asap if I get pregnant again. I am sorry who is able to afford a Genetic Counselor when its thousands of dollars to either tell you, you have nothing wrong with you, or you have something wrong with you that cannot be fixed. I dont have that money. So now I have my 3 babies up in heaven which I will hopefully get the chance to see them later and I will trust in God and believe that he will do what is right for me.

  Mallory wrote @ July 24, 2010 at 8:33 pm

My husband and I have two healthy children. Bailor who is 4 and Luna Jane who was 3 months when we go the positive pregnancy test in late May. We were not expecting to get pregnant so soon after Luna but it happened and we were excited about it. Talking about names and how we were going to fit the new baby into our 3 bedroom house and even joking about if it was a boy that he was going to have to hare Luna’s girly room with chandelier and watermelon pink walls.

On the Thursday of my 12th week of pregnancy I started spotting dark brown. I called my doctor whom I had an appointment to see in two weeks and they said that this was totally normal and to call them if the bleeding changed or increased. On Friday afternoon the bleeding increased and changed to red. I called the doctor but they were out for the afternoon so they sent me to the on call doctor’s voicemail. I waited for forever for her to call me back and she said to go to the ER just to make sure sine it was a weekend.

I went to the ER and the doctor made me feel like an idiot for overacting. He said that everything was normal after giving me a pelvic exam and he said that I just needed to take it easy and that it was not necessary to do an ultrasound that i just needed to followup with my OB on Monday.

Over the weekend I took it easy and the bleeding did increase but I never felt cramps in my belly which is what the ER doctor told me to look out for.

On Monday I called my OB and told them what was happening. They had me come in immediately for an Ultrasound. The US tech first did a normal ultrasound and ounce she suggested a vaginal ultrasound I knew. She did the vaginal ultrasound and then sent me to my doctor. I knew what had happened especially after the nurse didn’t tell me to undress at this point but was forced to wait in the exam room for the doctor.

The doctor came in and asked a few questions. It seems that the pregnancy never progresses after 5 weeks. The ultrasound was only measuring a 5 week pregnancy when I was 12 almost 13 weeks pregnant. Since I had never had missed periods in the past my doctor said it was very unlikely for me to have 3 months of missed periods so this was not a successful pregnancy. The doctor ordered blood work on Monday and told me to come back on Wednesday to do blood work again before doing a D&C on Thursday.

I was devastated. I went home and cried and cried and cried. We hadn’t told many people but I just felt horrible and didn’t’ want to talk to or see anyone. On Thursday I decided to take a bath and had to hurry to get out b/c the bleeding increased so much that it seemed that I had slit my wrists in the tub. I called my doctor immediately and they told me to come. On the way to the doctor ( I had to drive myself as my husband was at home my 2 children…and I didn’t want them to have to come b/c it upsets my 4 year old to see me sad) I was cramping so badly and the blood was gushing. I went directly into the doctor’s office and they put me onto the table and blood was everywhere on my legs all over the table and the floor. I was in so much pain and I was so scared and sad. The doctor came in and examined me and that is when I had the actual miscarriage. i could feel it all. I could feel everything being taken from me and I was on the table alone.

The doctor let me know that it seems that I had a full misscarriage and wouldn’t need a D&C. I went home and was in a fog.

It is about a week now since the actual miscarriage and parts of me wants to get back to normal but the other part of me is so full of grief and hates every person that says “Everything happens for a reason”

  Tara wrote @ July 27, 2010 at 10:23 pm

I am 18, and not married. I had only been dating my boyfriend for three weeks when i got pregnant. I was four weeks when i found out. He was away, he started basic training for the army, so i wrote him a letter telling him about the baby. By the time i had gotten a letter back, i had already told my mom, step-dad, dad, and step mom. My mother was so excited, so was I. I went to the hospital the day after i found out about the baby, because i was having bad pains. They told me everything looked okay, and that it was too early for them to see the baby, but that they needed me to go to the doctor with in two days. I was visiting my dad in AZ, so i explained that i could not go yet. They gave me the okay to wait till i got home a week later. When i got home, i went to the doctor, and they showed me a positive pregnancy test and did the blood tests. Everything looked normal, so i didnt think about the pain in Arizona. I was told to come back in two weeks, and have my first u/s. I was so excited to get to meet my Tadpole. A week later i had to go into the hospital because i had bad leg pains. They were afraid i might have Blood clots. The testing came back okay, so i went home. When i went to my doctors appointment, i took my best friend, who is, and was, 8 months pregnant. I had been having dreams that there was no heart beat, so i had the eerie feeling when i went. The U/S in the office showed a 9 week baby, but the heart was not beating. I was sent down for another u/s. at that time they told me to wait till they spoke to my doctor. When she came to see me, she told me that could not find the heart-beat. I was so upset. I just wanted a second opinion. But had scheduled the D&C for monday. The next day, i went to a different doctor, and he said that not only was there not beat, there was no heart at all. They had to do the D&C the next day (it was thursday, and surgery was Friday). He told me that because there was no heart, it had grown, only because it was using my heart. He said that he did not understand why the other doctor had not seen it. He gave me a picture of Tadpole, and sent me home. Later that night, i passed out, and my pulse and blood pressure dropped. The doctor said it was because my heart was over worked, and that it could have caused me to go into cardiac arrest. The next day, i had my D&C, and i feel better physically. I have been an emotional mess, but it has only been four days. My boyfriend is still not here, due to the army, but he does not really understand the pain im going through. For the women out there who are dealing with this pain alone… I am here. If you want to my email address is Stay_fly_no_lies@yahoo.com. I am here if you want to talk.

  kristi wrote @ August 3, 2010 at 11:54 am

I am so very thankful for this website. My husband and I were so excited to find out we were pregnant. The doctor said at that time we were a little over 4-weeks pregnant. Last week (when I would have been 6-weeks) I started having some strange pain on my left side. I went to the ER and 4 hours later, a blood test and an ultrasound, came out thinking I had a healthy pregnancy and an ovarian cyst. They told me that due to my HCG levels, they figured I was only 4-weeks pregnant, not 6, and because they couldn’t see a baby on the ultrasound.

They wanted me to come back for a follow-up on Monday. I brought my husband and we sat in the waiting room for 2 hours before asking if we would be seen. Turns out they forgot to enter us into the system. We were sent back to see a doctor about an hour and a half later, and they did another blood test. The ultrasound department was closed due to the Canadian holiday. Another hour later the blood test came back and the doctor came in to our “curtained area”.

He didn’t close the curtain in the busy ER area and proceeded to tell us very matter-of-factly that my hormone levels had dropped to 140 and that I would be referred to the Early Pregnancy Loss clinic within the hospital and to go home, that they would call me. I finally managed the courage to ask through tears “does this mean we’re not going to have a baby?”. He just said yes and walked away, leaving me to fall apart in my husband’s arms.

I wish the medical community would be a little bit more sensitive when giving difficult results. It was my first pregnancy and we were so very excited about it and to have him very non-chalantly give me the news right in front of a busy ER was unacceptable and cruel in my eyes. A bit of privacy, even with just the curtain would have been nice. I walked out sobbing with everyone staring and whispering. It was the most awful experience I have ever been through.

I don’t know what is going on with my body. My breasts still hurt and I’m still having pain on my left side only. No one explained anything to me about what I can expect or what I should do.

I called the clinic that they were going to refer me to and the earliest I can get in is Thursday morning. I’m so very concerned that this is ectopic because I haven’t had any bleeding, just a tiny bit of spotting yesterday.

I’m hoping to get a hold of my family doctor today because I don’t want to wait until Thursday if this is ectopic.

I know that these things happen but it’s still devastating news to receive. I am very lucky that I have some close friends and family that know the situation and who are being extremely supportive during this difficult time. I also have the best husband in the world, who has been incredible.

Hopefully I’ll get some answers soon on what is happening. I’m scared.

  Lacey wrote @ August 5, 2010 at 5:27 pm

I am 10.5 weeks pregnant and going in for a D&C tomorrow morning at 7:00am. This is my second miscarriage and I am losing hope at ever having a baby. My first miscarriage occurred at 6 weeks and I passed it on my own. We never had an u/s. With this pregnancy, I had an u/s at 8.5 weeks and saw a strong heartbeat. However, my doctor said the baby was measuring small and my dates were probably off. I tried to convince myself that everything was fine. When I had my u/s today, there was no heartbeat. She gave me my options and I immediately decided I want the D&C as soon as possible. We are making an appt. with a fertility specialist and hoping for the best.

  K-Tom wrote @ August 12, 2010 at 8:37 pm

Thanks everyone for your stories. I am 7 weeks post-missed miscarriage, and for those who have newly miscarried, it does get better and you will find happiness in your life.

I’m 34- my husband and I got pregnant basically the first time we had unprotected sex on vacation in Maui. I know I was pregnant a week after, while we were still on vacation. I confirmed it by HPT a few days after my period was due. It was so easy that I got cocky, so it didn’t occur to me that something could go wrong. We told pretty much everyone we knew before our first prenatal appointment at 8.5 weeks.

The baby looked good, we saw the heartbeat, though it wasn’t as far developed as we thought (7.5 weeks). I didn’t think anything of it, although I was absolutely sure when my last period started and when we conceived.

I had terrible pregnancy symptoms- nausea, vomiting, round ligament pains, swollen belly, large painful breasts, etc. My OB told me to drink a lot more water, and I started to feel remarkably better a few days later. A month went by, my belly got bigger, I still felt like crap, and I had no bleeding, no cramping, no idea.

We went for a nuchal translucency screening at 12 weeks. The baby looked no different than the first u/s, just a tiny fetus sitting there in this huge sac. The doctor didn’t have to tell me- I could tell by the look on the tech’s face that the baby had died just after our first u/s. The next 24 hours were terrible- I had lost my young father unexpectedly a few months before and wasn’t very well equipped to handle the grief.

I opted for the D&C right away- I was horrified that I had been carrying around a dead fetus for 4 weeks and had no idea. It didn’t seem like I was going to miscarry naturally any time soon, and I really needed to have the fetus out for peace of mind. I had an abortion 5 years ago and used the chemical version, and it was so painful and awful that I couldn’t bear to do it again.

The surgery was quick and tidy, and less painful than the chemical removal. It hurt worse that a bad period, though, for 3-4 days it felt just like someone had scraped out my uterus.

I was crushed, devastated, angry, crazy, all of that. I was mad at my husband who was sad FOR me, but not with me. I hated having to tell everyone that we’d told (which was everyone). I was mad at all of the pregnant women I saw, all the people with babies. I didn’t work for a week. I told and retold my story. I cried a lot.

But a few days later, the clouds parted a little and the sun poked through. I took advantage of the pregnancy symptoms being completely gone and went climbing with my husband. I think a lot of the initial craziness is partly due to hormones. Things got better and I decided to pick up running. I had a marguerita. I rode my bike. I stopped saying “I’m not pregnant”, and started saying “I’m not pregnant yet”. I see a therapist. I don’t pretend like it never happened and I explained the process to my nieces and nephews.

Don’t get me wrong. I miss our baby. We didn’t name it (although it’s nickname was Lillikoi), or have a ceremony, but that’s our style. Every day is brighter. I’ve had a regular period, and we’re thinking about stopping the condoms this week. We’re emotionally and physically ready to welcome a new life!

Hang tight people- it might take 6 weeks or 6 months (or longer) but you will see the light again. Get help. Get out of the house. Don’t throw out your u/s pictures yet (I regret doing that). Exercise. Take a vacation. Watch funny movies. Tell your story. Talk to other people with similar stories. Try not to shut out your husband (dense as he may be). Do something new with your hair. Live your life. Your little one would not want you to suffer forever.

  trish wrote @ September 4, 2010 at 1:30 pm

I fell pregnant last year, September 2009, and to be honest, I can’t really remember the ins and outs of my pregnancy feelings and symptoms- the pregnancy wasn’t planned, and my boyfriend and I were anxious about the arrival of a baby.

Within a week of coming to terms of being pregnant, I started spotting one night, followed by heavier bleeding- and then a few days later I miscarried on my bathroom floor. It was the most excrutiating pain I have ever felt in my life, and I could swear (without experience) that I was in labour. It was a mixture of horrendous cramping, extreme gushing of clots and blood and I vomiting with the pain. My boyfriend remained outside the bathroom, unable to really do anything but listen to me cry. I don’t know how far along I was, and never seen a Doctor until some weeks later. I was completely sure that everything had passed that day in the bathroom.

One evening, over a week later, we went for dinner to try to cheer up. I went to the bathroom, and afterwards found a huge clot/tissue in the bowl.

Although my baby wasn’t planned, my partner and I were absolutely devestated, and it was an extremely hard time for me. I still regret that loss and always will.

Putting things down to fate and whatever else made it easier to deal with, we continued with our normal lives. (Although my year was definately affected by the loss).

Two weeks ago, Sunday, we found out we were expecting, via a digital pregnancy test which told me I was 3 weeks plus. Since my previous miscarriage last year and being unknown to how far along I was, I had kept a meticulous diary of my periods- so this time, I know that I am/was 7 weeks, 5 days. Our first appointment with the Doctor is/was Monday 6th.

Compared to last time, our excitment was uncontrollable. IAnd now, regretably, we have told everyone our news!. In the two weeks knowing, we’ve talked about names and crazy things like that. I’ve already started lathering Bio-oil on to prevent stretch-marks, and my boyfriend ordered me a pregnancy journal a few days ago, to document the pregnancy.

Yesterday my symptoms of nausea and extremely unbearable to-touch-breasts, subsided and I started spotting. I was devestated and couldn’t stop crying. I read alot of websites reassuring me this was probably normal etc etc and felt a little bit at ease. Today I’m bleeding heavier and with tissue and clots.

My heart is completely broken. I dread what is to come.

This site has thankfully, made me aware that I am not alone.

  Natasha wrote @ September 21, 2010 at 6:05 pm

I don’t really know how to begin my story but I have been searching online for information all week and found this website simple but so helpful.
I have two lovely children three and 18 months. My husband and I wanted one more and our first two pregnancies had been text book so when we only tried for three months and got pregnant we thought it was perfect. I feel silly now but after only a few weeks we told everyone thinking nothing bad would happen to us. Everything was normal and I was so excited.
On the day after fathers day we went to have a dating scan at nine weeks as I wasn’t sure of my dates. I wasn’t going to as I thought it was not needed but we wanted to see the baby. We took both the kids and I was jumping with joy. I layer down for the scan and I could see there was no heart beat. I rushed over to my lovely OB who saw me straight away he ultrasounded and then checked my dates and he confirmed it was a missed miscarriage and that the baby was only seven weeks old. He said I would probably miscarry in a week and booked a follow up appointment for me. I went home bitterly disappointed and sad a little in denial too as I still felt pregnant.
A week later feeling numb all over I went to see the OB and decided on a d&c on the Thursday just to get it over with but as Thursday arrived I miscarried that morning naturally which is what I preferred. The OB checked me and even apologized and hugged me, he felt truly sorry for me. Great doctor
Now a week later I have scrubbed the weeks of the calendar deleted my birth apps on my phone and told a lot of people.
I am a nurse and after talking to people and reading this site I know it can be just one of those things, a genetic flaw. No ones fault. I have two
Lovely children. I can try again in a few months.
But some how it’s all I can think of, I feel sad yeah but more empty, I want to be pregnant. I like it. I feel silly for getting my hopes up before twelve weeks.
My head says it part of nature but my heart is sad for the little person who could have been.
It died at seven weeks but I didn’t miscarry till eleven weeks, I thought the end of the process would make me feel better but today would have been twelve weeks and I just feel lost.
I hope this feeling subsides soon.
I wish happy positive pregnancies for all that visit this site and thank you for reading my story.

  Krista wrote @ September 27, 2010 at 1:23 pm

July 7, 2010 – I had returned home from a business trip and realized I was about two days late for my period. My husband bugged me about taking a pregnancy test because we’d been trying for six months to conceive and he said that I just “looked different.” The next morning, I took a pregnancy test and was shocked to find the second line appear. After six months of hoping (and many negative pregnancy tests), I had finally seen the second pink line! I woke my husband up and made him read the results, just to be sure. I took a second pregnancy test later that night, same results, and a third the next day – again it said I was pregnant. I called my doctor, and because of the 4th of July I was unable to get in to confirm the pregnancy that week. We were leaving to visit my family the next week, so I scheduled the appointment the following week after we returned home. We told his family, my family and my best friend and began lightheartedly bickering over whether we wanted a boy or a girl.

July 19th – I went to my OB/GYN and my pregnancy was confirmed! I was told, based on my LMP, that I was six weeks along and that they were scheduling me for an ultrasound in three weeks to verify the size of the baby.

July 27th – I woke up this morning and was shocked to find brown blood on the toilet paper when I went to the bathroom. Frightened, I called my OB/GYN and was told it was probably old blood from implantation or my cervix, that lots of women bleed during the first trimester and to call back if it got worse.

July 29th – The bleeding was still brown in color, but seemed to be heavier. Initially, I only saw the blood when I used toilet paper after going to the bathroom. I began seeing blood accumulate on my panties, and was starting to get worried. I called my OB/GYN back and they scheduled me for an ultrasound the next day.

July 30th – I went in for my ultrasound, and they were able to find a heartbeat. I felt such a weight off my shoulders and was so relieved. The doctor told my husband and I that they had to push back the due date by four days (I was originally due on March 14th, they moved my due date to March 18th), but that was normal and not to be worried.

August 3rd – Late in the evening, as I was getting ready for bed, I noticed that my underwear felt wet (like when you’ve started your period). I ran into the bathroom and found that I was bleeding bright red and heavier than I had been (though not as heavy as I thought you’d bleed when having a miscarriage). I called my OB/GYN in a panic and the answering service patched me through to the on-call doctor immediately. She reassured me that since I wasn’t cramping, I was probably fine but to call and schedule an appointment with my doctor the next day.

August 4th – I called my OB/GYN and they scheduled another ultrasound for the following day. They told me they weren’t very worried because I was experiencing no cramping, but since I was bleeding, they wanted to take a look. Their ultrasound machine was broken, so they sent me to the hospital that my doctor works with.

August 5th – My husband and I appeared for my ultrasound appointment. The technician let us watch, but was very quiet the whole time. After the ultrasound (I had both a regular ultrasound and a transvaginal ultrasound), she told me to get dressed and she would be back. My husband and I sat there for twenty terrifying minutes until a timid knock sounded at the door. The ultrasound technician opened the door and handed a cordless phone to me – stating that she had my doctor’s office on the phone. I knew. My heart broke. The nurse on the phone said that the hospital can’t give out any results, to come in. We drove the five minutes to the doctor’s office where we learned that they were no longer able to find the heartbeat.

August 6th – After discussion with my doctor, I decided to use Misoprostal to complete the miscarriage. My body appeared to recognize the failed pregnancy (a term I HATE), but I didn’t want to be going through a miscarriage for weeks, waiting for my body to shed all the tissue. Misoprostal helps your body to shed all the tissue within 24-48 hours. Until I took the medication, I had never had any cramping or pain. Once I took the medication, I went into what I can only assume to be labor (this was our first), and was in significant pain, emotionally and physically, for the next 24 hours, but after going back for my follow up appointment, it was found that I had a clean uterus.

It has been seven weeks since I miscarried. There are still days where my heart breaks, and it’s amazing how many women I’ve learned have had miscarriages since experiencing mine. My period is due next week, and my doctor told me that once I had two periods, we could start trying again. I’m eager to start trying again, but terrified that I’ll have to go through this again. It’s difficult to learn that I’ll always have one more pregnancy than child – even when I’m changing doctors, I’ll have to put one more pregnancy. A part of me will always be sad, and though I’ve had more happy days than sad days in the past couple of weeks, there are still days where I can barely leave the house. I’m sure the pain lessens, but does the fear that this will happen again?

  Brandy wrote @ October 8, 2010 at 3:09 am

My story started a little over a year ago. My husband and I decided that we wanted to start a family and we were so happy that after only three month we had a positive home test. This was at the end of April 2009. I went to the local health unit to confirm and was told that I was 6wks and 5dys.They told me to make an appointment with the ob and I did but it was 3 wks later. I felt fine and thought I was just one of those lucky people that didn’t have morning sickness. I had a wonderful birthday weekend and then the next weekend was mothers day . My in-laws even bought me a mommy to be card and gave me a plant on mother’s day. Everything was perfect and I remeber thinking that next year my husband would have to buy me a gift on mothers day. I was scared when I started spotting on that week I called the doctor and was told not to worry that it was most likely implant bleeding and to just keep my appointment. It stopped the next day but by that Sunday it started again and was heavier. We went to the er and the doctor I had an appointment with was on call so he did an u/s . He said it was hard to tell because the baby was small but he thought he saw a heart beat and that he would check again at my appointment in 2 dys. I didn’tthink much of it then but he said the baby measured 4wks after we left I thought well thats funny someone is wrong cause by the other places count I should have been almost 9 wks. That bugged me but I thought the first place must have been wrong since they never did an u/s. My sister took to my appointment 2days later and thats when the doctor told me that the baby had not grown anymore and he couldn’t find a h/b. I was crushed and had to callmy husband at work to tell him the new. The doctor sent to start to the hospital for a d&c. He told me to give it a month and try again.

We waiting until I had a normal period like the doctor said and started to try again . We were so happy and suprised to find out that on the first try I was pregant again . I went back to the health unit and was told I was 5 wks(July 2009) but this time the health unit wanted to keep a check on me until my appointment with the ob. On my second trip to the health uint they took blood and was about to do a pap when the nurse said u have some inside bleeding. I was so scared we had just went though this and I did not want it to happen again. They called the ob and he said for me to come straight to his office. When I got there he did a u/s and said that everything was fine the baby had a strong h/b and measured just right. I was so relieved. He did say I had a infection that was causing the bleeding and put me on antibiotics. He made me an appointment for 2 wks later. I was so happy that everything was ok but still scared because of our loss just a few moths earlier. My sister was going to go to my appointment with me but over slept so my husband took off work after lunch to go with me. I was so happy that he would get to see the baby and the h/b but when the doctor did the u/s he couldn’t find a h/b. I was do hurt but the doctor said we would wait a few days and check again since the baby measured right. I had and appointment a week later when I would have been 9 wks but that weekend the bleeding started . We went straight to the er but our doctor was out of town and his sub, said that I sould wait and see my doctor on Monday. When I saw the doctor on Monday there was no h/band the baby had not grown any I was 8wks 5dys still . He said he wanted me to do the d&c so he could have the baby tested and I agreed so we would have some answers as to why it was happening. This time he told us to wait 3 months .

We were so scared and hurt by the back to back losses that we decided to wait longer.

  Brandy wrote @ October 8, 2010 at 3:17 am

My computer messed up hear is the rest of my story:

I handled the first loss ok because I knew that we would try again but the second time I fell into a deep depression. I could even attend my good friends babyshower because I feel hurt.

  Brandy wrote @ October 8, 2010 at 4:39 am

SORRY again!!!!!!!! my computer keeps submitting without me pushing the button. hear is the rest of my story again:

My second due date was my husbands birthday and even thought I was still deeply depressed I wanted my husband to have a wonderful birthday and not think about the fact that we should be having a baby. His party was going wonderful until my sister came in and announced she was pregant to the family ( she forgot). I was so hurt that I missed my husband blowing out his candles and opening his gift cause I was crying in the bathroom. 2 months later my brother called to tell me his wife was pregant this time I didn’t cry I just got mad . Why them and not me? What did I do to deserve all this pain? I sat down and started to pray and after the prayer I felt better I even got excited that I was going to have 2 new nieces or nephews. I felt so much better I told my husband I was ready to try again.

Again after a month of trying I was pregant(aug 2010) . I went to a different doctor because they see their patients every 2 wks and they put me on high risk. They did an u/s and said everything looked great . I was happy that me and my sibling would have our babies so close together. I got to see the h/b at my second u/s and still everything was fine. We had my sister baby shower and got a picture of the 3 expecting mommys. I just knew that this time everything was going to be perfect. That was until saturday. I had felt really bad all day and was going to bed early . I went to the bathroom before bed and saw the spotting. I yelled for my husband and he said lets go to the er. We spent all night in the er and final got to see my old doctor. He did an u/s and there was the babies h/b and it measured just a day off . He again said I had a infection but that everything looked great and our baby was fine to check in with is office on friday. I went home scared but happy that everything still looked good. The bleeding stopped that day. I went my moms for family dinner on sunday my back was hurting a little but I thought it was because of the way I has slept the night before . I had a great time with my sibling and we talked about my siter in-laws up coming babyshower and how we need to get another pic of us all .Monday morning I woke up in a lot for pain in my back and even cramps and the bleeding was back and heavier than before. I woke my husband and he called in to work and we called the doctor as soon as his office opened they said come in at 11 . I slept off and on until then still in alot of pain. I just knew that I was miscarrying( I never had pain with my past miscarriages) When we got to his office I was hurting so bad that I was almost in tears. His office was packed and everyone around me was happily talking about thier pregnancy . When I saw him he did a u/s and found that my sack had collapsed. I was 8wks almost 9 . I decided not to do the d&c this time because I have been told that its not good for your body to have multiple ones. I have been in a lot of pain and passed a lot of clots . I have a appoinment tomorrow to make sure I passed everything. I know these next few months will be the hardest because of the births of my nephew and my niece but I am still happy for my siblings and wish them the best. My doctor wants me to have genetic counseling and to have a chromosome test. We plan on trying again but I don’t know when it will take time and courage.

  Tawnie wrote @ October 15, 2010 at 8:01 pm

I am lucky enough to have two sons (11 & 6 ) and I am currently on my 6th pregnancy. Unfortunately I have also had three losses and needless to say I am a complete wreck. My persent calendar date is 7w4d, but I already believed that I ovulated early and yesterday’s sonogram shows that I am 8w1d with a strong heartbeat. I should be happy, but I just can’t get that way. All I’m thinking about is what happened the times before, how I’m almost 35 and that raises my risks, how there is blood behind the placenta in this pregnancy and that that can be bad, how things may not work out because I took ibuprofen without knowing I shouldn’t because it was allowed with my first two pregnancies, how my breast tenderness is decreased, how I haven’t had morning sickness in four days, etc. and so forth. I want this baby SOOO badly but I can’t seem to let myself get happy about it. I dread the thought of making it through five more weeks before I feel like I can tell people and frankly don’t know how I’ll do it. Strangely, I occasionally catch myself almost wishing I could go just ahead and get this miscarriage over with and start trying for the next time. (Which, is the exact opposite thing I don’t want to happen but I guess some weird little mind game that I have to play with myself to keep myself semi-sane.) Obviously, I hope beyond hope that this one is a keeper, but after so many disappointments it’s too hard to go there. Ironically, I know that this is a site to post miscarriage stories to, but I can’t bare to got there–to write that in words–yet this IS my miscarriage story, the intense fear that comes with trying and trying again…somehow the grim physical details don’t really matter.

  Christal wrote @ December 20, 2010 at 8:58 pm

Hi, I am 23 and was pregnant with my second pregnancy. My first ended in an abortion at 19, timing wasn’t right and i just ended a very bad relationship.
This time around, i got pregnant again, and i have a loving boyfriend of 4 yrs who both him and I really want children. While on vacation, late for my period, i experienced light cramping and a bit of spotting. Which i immediately thought it was implantation bleeding., i still wasn’t sure i was pregnant, but the bleeding was how i found out i was pregnant before. So i knew, when i got back from vacation the following day, i took a test and it was positive. My boyfriend and i were so excited. We told our families and friends. Not even 1 week later, the following tuesday, a day i booked off of work to find an OB. I started bleeding first light, with a little brown. Then it picked up, i was cramping by then. I immediately went to the emergency with my boyfriend, where i cried, paced around and waiting 5 hours! They took a cervical exam and the ER doc said my cervix was closed and my blood tests appeared ok for 6 weeks pregnant. Next day i had an ultra sound, there was some remaining tissue and i was still bleeding very heavily and passed a lot of clots. They prescribed me misoprostol to pass the remaining tissue. Over the next course of 4-5 days my bleeding slowed down, everything passed at home and that was it. I feel extremely upset, and saddened because i chose to make a decision to keep our baby, and i lost it. I question my abilities every day. All i want to do is try again. They said to wait at least 1 menstrual cycle before trying again. But, we don’t want to. Now, i am overwhelmed with when am i ovulating? where the hell is my cervix anyway? and this cervical mucus? my mucus looks the same most of the time….i am afraid i will miss ovulation. I don’t know if its bad that i try again right away. But i am so excited to be a mom, and i have the best boyfriend in the world. And all we want is a family of our own to love. And i am terrified i will miscarry again, I hope i don’t. And i am hopeful and keeping my head up. I hope that real soon i will discover that i am pregnant and pray every day that i do not miscarry again.

I have read a lot of stories, and it is very encouraging to know that woman have gone thru this before and i am not alone, nor am i not normal, thanks for the stories that have made pregnancy after miscarriage successful. I have hope.

  Lydia Marsh wrote @ December 21, 2010 at 7:42 pm

I am 25 years old and suffered a miscarriage of my first pregnancy this past Saturday, 12/18/2010, in the emergency room of the local hospital.

I have polycystic ovaries and have never had a normal period unless I was on birth control. I stopped taking bc early in 2010, and by the summer, my periods started to come regularly and I was happy and hopeful that my body was working out its kinks. I was unaware that I was polycystic until my annual exam in July of this year. The Dr. told me it was uncommon, as I am a thin and petite woman, but it was the diagnosis. He told me that I would need hormone therapy in order to conceive, and at this point I was not thinking of having a child, but still felt like a failure as woman.

I had three regular periods until August, when I started skating rollerderby. Exercise has always thrown my cycle off. I was not surprised when the periods stopped.

Then, in November, I started feeling “strange.” Sex with my boyfriend was usually accompanied by mild cramping. Then my breasts became very sore and quite large. On December 1st, I took a pregnancy test and found a positive result! I didn’t know whether to burst into laughter or cry- I wasn’t prepared but was still SO happy. It was quite a day of mixed emotions. I called my OB/GYNs office, who scheduled me for a confirmation appt. the following day, December 2, as I hadn’t had a period since August. I knew I hadn’t been pregnant since then but was thrilled that I didn’t have to wait the usual 6-8 weeks that other women do.

I had a sonogram at my first appointment. I was so terrified but so in love with the little black spot on the ultrasound picture. I was 4w2days along at this point in time. I kissed the little person in the picture goodnight, stopped my serious coffee habit, went to bed earlier, and did all of the research I could. I tried so very hard to do the right thing and change my life. I had tons of paperwork to complete for medical assistance, as neither my f/t or p/t job offered health coverage. The waiting for approval was nerve-racking but I was approved and started to feel relieved that things would be just fine.

Last Wednesday, Dec. 15, I used the restroom at work, only to find the scariest thing ever- blood in my panties. I had been spotting for 2 days before, but only when I would sit on the toilet and strain for a bowel movement. I was frantic, called the OB, and was instructed to come to their office immediately. At the office, another transvaginal ultrasound was done, where I heard my baby’s tiny heartbeat. I was 5w6days along at this period in time. The ultrasound showed no reason for bleeding and I was told to take it easy and not worry. I started running scenarios through my head and tried to prepare myself for the worst, even though I was thrilled to have heard the heartbeat and see the progression in growth of the baby just in two weeks time.

The bleeding continued intermittently and with variance in color for the next 2 days. On Friday night I was uncomfortable and beginning to cramp. My left side was incredibly sore (Dr. said because of constipation) but the pinching in my bowel in lower left side started to creep up into my rib cage and around to my back muscles. I left a message for the on-call midwife at my OB/GYNs office on Saturday afternoon, after sitting on the toilet with cramps so bad I thought my pelvic bones were cracking. She called me back in 5 minutes and instructed me to go the er- she wasn’t as concerned about the bleeding as she was the pain in my side.

I drove myself to the er and patiently waited for my boyfriend to arrive. There were children in the waiting area, and I had an immediate feeling of eminent danger. I only waited for 10 minutes to get a room in the er, and while I was changing into the horrible hospital gown, my boyfriend showed up. He was supportive and caring- everything I needed him to be. I was given IV fluids, and soon saw the Dr., who planned to perform an ultrasound and pelvic exam. The IV bag was empty by the time a young man showed up to take my blood. All this time my left side was killing me, and I started to have severe cramps. My blood was taken and I had to urinate very badly. A nurse came to help me into the bathroom, where my boyfriend waited outside of the door. When I sat down to urinate, and rapid stream of blood came out. The blood then turned black and thick and I started to panic. That was when I felt something touch the opening of my vagina and stop. I had the sense that I needed to push. When I did, I passed a large clot- my baby. As I watched my baby fall out of my body and into the toilet, I began to scream and wail uncontrollably- like something out of a gut-wrenching movie. I couldn’t stop it and didn’t care that everyone in the nearby rooms could hear me. My boyfriend came rushing into the bathroom, and I screamed, cried, and snotted all over him as more fluid escaped my body. I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t do anything but wail in horror. I instantly felt like I had lost a piece of myself. The nurses came running in and asked what happened. Charlie, my boyfriend, said “I think she miscarried.” The nurses asked me if this was the case and I gagged out the words, “I’m afraid to look.” They said they would look for me, and when they did they said it looked like a large clot and I had most likely miscarried. They left us in the bathroom, where I sat on the toilet sobbing and wailing. They came back in several times over the next 20 minutes, and I couldn’t get up and leave the room. I couldn’t leave my baby in the toilet. I was mortified that the baby with a heartbeat that I had heard only days before, was now in the toilet of a public restroom in a busy hospital. The nurse came back in again, this time with a plastic container with a lid that she attempted- and failed- to hide from me. I said, “What is that for?” She said, “I have to get it out of the toilet.” I cried more and wanted to vomit. I told her I wasn’t leaving the bathroom yet. I managed to catch my breath to tell Charlie that I had to look at it before I left the room. He said he didn’t think I should, and that he didn’t want to, but I knew I had to. We both looked at the horrifying image of what should have been born into the world as our infant on August 11, 2011.

I passed the placenta 2 hours later in the er bathroom, while waiting for the Dr. to come back and perform a pelvic exam.

The few days that have passed since have been a blur. I am anxious, panicky, and riddled with grief and guilt. My family has been supportive and Charlie has been great, but I don’t feel like they understand the magnitude of the sorrow I feel. I am not going to work all week, and feel like I’m letting my employers down. I can’t function normally with people and try to pretend that everything is ok. I do not feel ok, I feel dead inside. I know everything in life happens EXACTLY the way it is supposed to, but the experience in the ER bathroom keeps replaying in my mind like a scene from a movie. I don’t feel like I’m ever going to feel sexy or attractive again. I see babies and pregnant women everywhere I go and I want to hate those women so much, but I can’t. I’m jealous of them and so very sad.

I appreciate having the opportunity to post my story on this website and am very happy to have discovered it this evening. I will be visiting the site regularly on my journey to get my soul back.

Much love and warm wishes to all of the other woman who are experiencing this pain, or have experienced it in the past. You are all in my thoughts.

  Amanda wrote @ December 28, 2010 at 8:58 pm

I am 27 and the mother of a almost 15 month old son. My husband and I decided in September we wanted to start trying for baby number two. Late in October I started feeling moody and had various other symptoms. When I should have gotten my period I had uncharacteristic spotting. I was excited since I had had this with my son and knew it to be implantation bleeding. I took a test, it was positive. We were very happy. We told people within the next few weeks and I made a doctors appointment for about 8 and a half weeks along. I had some slight spotting off and on but nothing I really worried about. Then a week before my appointment I started spotting and it kept going day after day. It was brown to light pink so I tried not to worry.
We happily went to the first appointment. Everything seemed normal, my OB checked me and said I felt 8 weeks along but she thought we should do an ultrasound just in case. But she did not seem worried at all.
SInce the us wasn’t previously scheduled I had to wait a while. My son was getting antsy so I had my husband take him home and I would follow after it was done (we lived within walking distance).
They were ready to do the us and took me back. They did a vaginal since I was so early. I could see the monitor and I saw what looked to be a small peanut attached to what was the placenta. The tech said nothing. Then she turned to me and said I’m seeing a pregnancy in the uterus, but its smaller than it should be and there is no heartbeat. She said she would show the pictures to my OB and she would come talk to me.
I was floored. I was alone. I knew there was a chance but I honestly didn’t think this would happen. I still wasn’t sure if what I thought had happened had until my OB entered the room. She looked so sad and said I’m so sorry Amanda. Then I knew. My baby was gone.
She said I had a missed miscarriage. My baby had stopped growing after 5 weeks. I opted to pass the baby naturally. We were moving to a new state over 600 miles away the next week and in the middle of packing and I’m still nursing my son so I didn’t want any surgery.
They checked my HCG levels and they were going down so I left at that.
Dec. 13th, the day we moved I was unpacking around 8:30 pm when I felt stronger cramps, like bad menstrual cramps. I’d never stopped spotting and it had slowly changed to red and gotten heavier. After the cramps got stronger I felt a strong gush. So I rushed to the bathroom. The blood just kept dripping with small clots. I couldn’t get cleaned up. I called the hospital, they said I should come in. My son was sleeping so I told my husband I was going to the hospital and I was driving myself, no arguments. I felt gushes with each step to the car. I used our tom tom to find the ER which thankfully is only a few miles away. As I got out of the car in the parking lot, my jeans were instantly drenched with blood. I was horrified. I was afraid of bleeding to death, there was just so much.
It is a small town so once I got inside they quickly got me in a room. The nurses were so nice and sympathetic and took good care of me. The doctor was an old man who smirked at me and said, so you decided to miscarry huh?. I glared and said I guess. I’m not sure what he did down there but it hurt and I cried.
A little while later I had to use the restroom and passed a clot the size of a baseball. I was so so cold I couldn’t stop shaking. Finally things seemed to calm down a little and I was able to rest. They gave me pitocin to help clamp things down and stop the bleeding. I had to stay overnight and managed to sleep some. Early in the morning the bleeding slowed way down and I was relieved. They did another us and said I had passed everything and was fine to go home.
My hemoglobin levels had gotten pretty low so I felt under the weather for a couple days. The bleeding just stopped a couple days ago. I had been bleeding or spotting since just after Thanksgiving.
My heart hurts. I wanted this baby so much. I felt very strongly it was a girl and I was looking forward to having a daughter and a little sister for my son. Now our plans are on hold. I want nothing more than to be pregnant but am so scared it will happen again. My old OB who was fantastic told me I only had to wait one cycle and I had every chance in the world of having a perfectly normal pregnancy next time. I’m trying to hold onto that but I know there is still always a chance things could go wrong.
The only thing I can do is face what happened, grieve and let my heavenly Father’s love comfort me, and know that my little one is in his hands now.
The hospital here has a program where they save the tissue that is collected from a miscarriage and in June they do a memorial service and bury the little ones remains from all the miscarriages of the previous year. We are going to participate in that. Plus I got a small ring with a ruby, the birthstone of July when my due date was, to remember my baby by. That way I always feel I have her with me in some way.
I pray for comfort and healing for all the women here. Remember you are not alone!

  Dawn wrote @ January 16, 2011 at 10:34 am

I miscarried my first pregnancy four weeks ago, the weekend before Christmas. The first week of December my fiancée and I were overjoyed when the first blood hcg was positive, we have been working with a fertility clinic for his low sperm count and invested thousands in medications and tests. They drew hcg level every 2 to 3 days the first 3 weeks, and it was an emotional roller coaster. At first the levels were rising well, then it slowed, then it jumped again. By the time I was 7 weeks my levels had plateaued and they couldn’t find a sac on my early ultrasound. Shortly after the ultrasound I miscarried naturally. Although it has been nearly a month I still feel the grief acutely, though it is getting better day by day. My first period after the miscarriage started a few says ago, but brings with it a fresh set of emotions ranging from grief to hope.
It is reassuring to read the stories of other women and know that we are not alone in this grieving process.

  Violet wrote @ February 4, 2011 at 6:06 pm

Reading these stories is so sad, but helpful in the sense that we know we aren’t alone. Here is mine;

I am 31, DH is 42, no kids, no prior problems. We had not been “careful” for a while, and had started trying after we got married in July. By September I was doing my temperatures daily and all that, and I was SO excited to tell my husband we were expecting our first child right around our anniversary!

It was the end of October and I had been pretty much sure I was pregnant- my temps were up, my boobs looked GREAT (haha) and I could smell everything in the world even more than I usually can. I was having crazy vivid dreams and beer was…ughh.
The morning I finally took the test, I made him a really awesome breakfast and got him a card saying “Happy Anniversary from me and The Very very very very Little Chuther” (umm stupid name we call each other is “My Chuthers”, it’s just a bastardized version of Each Other…nm) We were SO excited and said a little prayer that we have a healthy baby over breakfast. As it happened, DH’s mom called, so we told her (which meant that our whole family would know pretty much right away). We called my parents and told them since it was “only fair” – Not thinking that anything would happen. My dad, after buying my youngest sister that got knocked up at 21 a house and a car, said only “are you sure you’re ready for this”?, instead of congratulations or anything- I just snarled back, “Nope, JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE-remember when you were 24 and had me?” and got off the phone. Famous last words…

As it turned out, I started spotting a week later. I hoped it was just implantation spotting, but called my midwife just in case. We had a meeting with her scheduled the next day and I was very excited, as she was the midwife who delivered my sisters and I at home. By the time we got to her the next day, I was bleeding heavily. It was like a bad period, and I could stop crying, but my heart was broken. I had been so happy, and only days later I was so sad I felt like I was drowning.

My husband didn’t really understand why I was so sad until my mother in law explained (love her!) He still doesn’t understand why I sometimes cry half the night when I think about how far along I should be, etc. That was in early November and we have started trying again, but I am thinking about taking this month off. Then again we have had unprotected sex at all the “right” times for months and nothing has happened, so I’m not too worried about it.

I miss that feeling every day. I feel broken on the inside. I wish I was four months along with a little pooch instead of this. But I know I am not a good enough person to care for a child with some genetic defects, so I try and be positive and enjoy the “free” sex we can have if we want to, the concept of being able to sleep in, a glass of wine, friends, my new awesome job, walking to work, our cat. I hope we are out, away, doing something fun for our anniversary and that I won’t ruin it with crying because we should be having our baby at home.

Maybe if I can get pregnant this month I can tell DH some good news for his 43rd birthday in March. I want to feel that happiness inside me again, I was so good at being pregnant, I felt like I could take on the world, like I had found a secret stash of awesome happy drugs. (bad analogy but…you know what I mean). We have 6 nephews and 2 neices and are the last in his family to have kids, I got a text from my sister in law as I am writing this of the baby (born the day after we got married) learning to eat food.

It gets better, even though it sucks.

  Ateah wrote @ February 7, 2011 at 8:29 am

I am nineteen . I have never wanted children . Not because i don’t like them . I love kids ! My sister and brother were born when I was 15 and 16 . They are the light of my life , and they have been since their births . My fiancé has nine nieces and nephews , ranging from the ages of 1- 12 and I adore every single one of them . I remember a pregnancy scare when I was eighteen and all I could think was ; I can’t do this , I cannot have a baby . Lo and behold I wasnt pregnant , but I was extra careful after that . When I met Anthony , I fell inlove for the first time . He was the perfect boyfriend , and after being together long enough , we moved in together . On Halloween night , this year at four in the morning , I woke up in so much pain , I actually woke up crying . The pain was in my left abdomen , it was this sharp stabbing pain that left me short of breath . I had extreme cramps , that felt as though it was pulsating through my entire body . I didnt want to move , all I could do was lay in pain crying . My boyfriend quickly became concerned and took me too the hospital . When I arrived I was given two t4s and waited to be seen . When I was finally admitted , they did blood work and a pee test , and the first result I was given was ” your pregnant. . ” I cried . And cried . My boyfriend was scared but optimistic and was decided on keeping it . The moment I found out , I loved my baby . I loved her as though I had been waiting my entire life to meet her . The thought of her growing in my belly made me warm and fuzzy . But I wasn’t at the hospital because I was pregnant – something else was wrong . The doctors were horrible . I still don’t fully understand most of the next week , due to the fact I was given any information besides the actual results . But I was given an X-ray and a sonogram and told I also had a severe kidney infection ( I’m nineteen , and live in Canada . I drank alot ) and also I had a mild uti ( I still don’t know how you get those . ) anyways after hours of waiting I was finally given a prescription for antibiotics , and. T3s . The week went by , we only told two people , not even our parents yet . I remember being in consistent mind numbing pain, day and night that week . On top of it I started getting morning sickness . I couldn’t hold anything down . I mostly slept ,cried , ached ,threw up that week. Towards the end of the week , my mom insisted that I stay there so she could take care of me . By this point she knew i was pregnant and wanted to keep coral. My prescription said to take two t3s ever two to four hours ,but I was scared to hurt my baby and hadn’t been taking them . By the time I was ready for bed my body was numb , and the pain I had been feeling was finally gone . I watched ‘ real housewives of new jersey ‘ that night . Beverly had just recieved news she was pregnant , she was 7 weeks . I was between 4 and 6 . One lady said ” you have to becareful in the beginning . I’m superstitious , your not supposed to tell people your pregnant until after the first trimester .” ( probably not exactly like that , but you get the point .) Just like that – the cramps started . A minute earlier I was thinking ” it’s good only three people know ” scared to look , I tried to keep myself calm . I knew bleeding in the first trimester was normal , but when went to the bathroom the blood was thick and dark purple red . I told my mom , waking her up , while panic ran threw me . I was so scared . My mom told me to calm down , but when I showed her she knew it didn’t look good . Trying to get me to calm down , she told me blessings normal , but I needed to lay down . She told me not to move and to remain calm . But my baby was obviously hurt or dying . I called my fiancé and cried while I told him , it broke my heart . But I tried to keep him calm repeating my moms lines . My fiancée is 23 and he and his ex had miscarried twice before , hey never had kids , And they broke up because she had cheated on him ( also drank while pregnant ! ) the first thing he said was to get to a hospital he would meet me there . He works nights and I didn’t want him to leave work for my sake , besides the bleeding had stopped .all I wanted as to hold him. All he wanted was to hold my stomach . But I promised I would go to the hospital if there was more bleeding . I must have fallen asleep for about an hour because when I woke up the towel I had been laying on was soaked withblood . I could not keep myself together . My mom actually had to sponge bathe the blood off me while I cried . My stepdad got the car ready while my mom did this . I was in Soooo much pain . Betweenmy kidneys and my cramps and fear I was a mess . My boyfriend met me at the hospital where it took them about an hour to tell me a had lost my baby . I was admitted after a ten minute wait and heard( wasnt even told) I have a half moon cervix- I still don’t know what that means . I cried for days , and now all I think About is Recieving news that I’m pregnant again . Everytime I see pregnant lady or even a mom I think of coral . I never wanted kids and now all I want is my baby back . I’m jealous of other girls and when I see thee pregnAny pictures on fAcebook . It seems everyone else can have a normal happy pregnancy . And I’m entirely jealous . Everyone seems to think it’s a blessing I Lost it being so young . But I am so heartbroken . I think about her at least once a day . I even think about how far along I would be now . I didn’t even know a sex . I only knew about her for a week . But I have Never been so inlove with something . I watch teen mom and think I would be the best mom ever . I’m still very confused and hurt about it . But still only three or four people know And life goes on . Nobody even knows about the beautiful life I lost . And I still think it’s too unfair for words . I love you coral Hamilton . Always and forever .

  Lindsey wrote @ February 7, 2011 at 10:40 pm

I was hoping for a little relief from my worries about miscarrying. Although all the stories were inspiring to be strong…they scared me more…

  Deanna wrote @ February 8, 2011 at 8:48 pm

This site is not really the place for calming pregnancy fears, other than perhaps the page about the signs and symptoms of miscarriage, so you can see if it is happening to you.

This site is more about recovering.

  candice shelton wrote @ February 9, 2011 at 11:42 pm

my name is candice and i am going to be 22 on valentines day i have a little girl named aleigha she is one my pregnancy with her was perfect no problems what so ever… after i had her i got put on the pill and they gave me a low dose and i ended up getting pregnant although i took the pill every day like i was supposed to.. i was so happy even though it wasnt planned me and my fiance was so excited we took a home test and about a week later i went to the health department on november the 28th and found out i was 4 weeks pregnant my due date was supposed to be on august 6th 2011 and i was so excited we told everyone and they was excited also everything was going fine i didnt strain myself or do anything i wasnt supposed to i did everything like i did when i was pregnant with my daughter and on december the 3rd i got up and took a shower then when i used the restroom i was spotting but i thought it was normally but i still called the gyno and she said just to prop my feet up and relax and not to strain myself. about 4 hours later i started bleeding worse and worse it was like i had started my period but only worse and i told my fiance and he rushed me to the emergency room and they took me back and done some test and said that i was still pregnant that they was going to do a ultra sound to see and when they done it their was not baby i was so heart broken to know that my baby was gone all of a sudden without any warning to me,,, i asked the doctor why the test and blood work said i was still pregnant and he said it would do that until i pass all the sac and what was formed of my baby,,, i just broke down in tears holding my belly and he said im sorry mam there was nothing you could do it was an act of god that he had a reason for this and i never doubt god but i wonder why sometimes this happened to me..me and my fiance was hurt so bad and still are to this day. i looked at my fiance and all i could say was i flushed my baby down the toilet and started screaming my lungs out after i passed all the stuff i was supposed to i started my regular cycle and we have been trying for 2 months now to get pregnant again and its not working i dont understand someone please help me to understand this…

  Liz wrote @ February 15, 2011 at 9:17 pm

I have a wonderful little boy named Noah. He is 19 months old. It took me 5 months to get pregnant with him. My husband and I decided we wanted to start trying finally after 6 months…and watching everyone else I knew get pregnant I got a positive test result. We were so excited. I scheduled my first ultrasound for 8 weeks. I had to go by myself as my husband was out of town for work. I found out that the baby was too small and there was no heartbeat. I had to wait a week and then come back for another ultrasound to be sure. Of course there was still no heartbeat. All of my hormone levels were normal for 9 weeks. I opted for the D and C because I could not handle the thought of carrying around a child that had died while still feeling as thought I was pregnant. It has been very difficult as many people I know including my sister in law (# 4 for her) and my best friend (#4) for her are both expecting. I just find myself so jealous and thinking I will never get pregnant again or it will take me another 6 months. I am trying so hard to be positive and have hope and not to spend everyday so sad. It is extremely difficult. Hoping as time passes I am able to get rid of these jealous feelings.

  Lauren wrote @ March 24, 2011 at 10:42 pm

When I went to do the pregnancy test my hands were shaking, so I just knew it was going to be positive. It was and I was so excited. I had been wanting another child for a few years and now my little girl was going to be a big sister. My boyfriend was happy too, and our daughter. I saw my GP and he confirmed it, I was 6 weeks and due on 1st October 2011. We didn’t tell everyone, just my mum and mother in law and one of my friends. I had been having really bad morning sickness, so much worse then with my daughter. I started to worry that something wasn’t right but just put it down to nerves. I was so excite dto be having another baby that I did some shopping and bought a couple of blankets, singlets and a cute little outfit for my little one. My daughter and I would wonder aloud if it would be a boy or a girl, I was convinced it was a boy. When I was 11 weeks I woke up to find some spotting. I was scared but knew that it didn’t mean I was definately having a miscarriage so I remained positive that all would be ok, I was even looking forward to the ultrasound as I hadn’t had one yet. I had been having some minor pain too but everything I read said that was normal so I wasn’t concerned about that. I made an appointment to see the doctor that day. He sent me straight for an ultrasound and blood test. When the ultrasound image came up I knew that I’d had a miscarriage, I could tell that the size was wrong and that the sonographer could find a heartbeat. The sonographer confirmed that indeed there was no heartbeat and that by the size of the fetus my little one died at approx 7 and a hlaf weeks. I was shocked, I had still been feeling pregnant. The morning sickness had reduced a lot but it was still there, my belly had even grown a little. I didn’t cry I just said “oh ok” and went back to the doctor. He wrote a referral to the hospital for a d and c and told me to go that day. I went home, picked up my daughter from school, left her with my mum and went to the hospital with my boyfriend. They were really good and advised me to see the Early Pregnancy Service the next day to save me waiting in the emergency room. The next day I woke up to discover that the bleeding had gotten a lot worse. I went to the bathroom and my legs were covered in blood and I could feel it gushing out. I sat on the toilet and felt two huge clots pass, and started to bawl my eyes out. All I could think was “Is that my baby coming out, I dont want to flush him down the toilet” . I showered and changed, but bled through three pads in about half an hour. My mum was home so she called an ambulance for me and I went to emergency. I was there all day on a drip and bleeding heavily. All of the staff were great, although the first doctor said something a little thoughtless “He came up and said Hi how are you today” I know that he was just on auto. I had another ultrasound which showed that some product remained but not much and went home. I have been feeling really dizzy and sick to the stomach and am really upset because I’ve just discovered that I now have an infection in my uterus, nothing I did wrong I’m just one of the unlucky ones. I know logically that none of this is my fault, but the grieving, illogical me keeps wondering what have I done wrong. I believe that the reason my body didn’t recognise that it was no longer pregnant is because it was in denial.

Thank you for giving me this opportunity to tell my story. It helps to share my pain.

  Leslie wrote @ May 16, 2011 at 11:45 pm

As I am typing this, I am spotting and cramping with my second miscarriage.

I knew something was wrong when my nausea subsided and my seasonal allergies started kicking in. I didn’t have that familiar craving for A-1 sauce or bison burgers from Ted’s as I did with all three of my girls. And the pain from my left hip and the numbness in my leg that occurs earlier and earlier during each of my pregnancies stopped-It just ended one day as if my uterus stopped growing and applying pressure to that very sensitive nerve.

I mentioned all of this to my OB when I went in at 10 weeks. She told me everything was fine. She did my exam. She did the ultrasound. She could not find a heartbeat or a fetus in the sac.

My doctor sent me to the ultrasound tech who was a little…different. (That is the most polite term I can think of.) The tech told my doctor that I did not have an appt. with her and the doctor said basically I will clear your schedule as you need to see her now. So the doctor left me with the tech and her cohort in the exam room. The tech gave me a paper sheet and pointed to the bathroom where I stripped and wrapped the paper sheet around me-the best that I could with my backside hanging out. I re-entered the room where the tech and other assistant were waiting. I stood in the doorway for a good 10 minutes as the French accented tech argued with me about the date of my last period as my behind was airing in the breeze. Apparently the month was entered incorrectly into my chart. I was already upset and could hear my little girls impatiently playing in the waiting room with my husband as this appt. had already spanned an hour. My biggest annoyance was-does the date of my last period really matter at this point? Either there is a problem or you are going to give me a due date by the baby’s measurements. I mean-Come on!!

So I finally made it to the table and I was instructed to insert the ultrasound probe myself…after multiple ultrasounds this was a little odd to me…

She turned the screen away from my line of sight and looked for awhile with no verbal communication-just a few hums and haws. She printed a picture, which I asked to have and after an obvious annoyed look and comment she gave me one of the images of my amniotic sac and very small baby. She said the baby was measuring 6 weeks and the yolk and amniotic sacs were measuring 10. Since the yolk and amniotic sacs were the same size, I was probably going to miscarry.

Just like that-blunt and to the point it was put into words. Immediately I started going through the signs of grief.

I elected to do this naturally again-as this is my second miscarriage. I am very blessed with three beautiful little girls. However, the fact that I already have two little angels living above me (twins-as I was told by a previous ob “Twins are an unnatural pregnancy and almost always result in a spontaneous abortion”) and three little angels living with me does not make this any easier.

When I lost the twins, I read a passage somewhere of a religious belief that I take great comfort in-even though it is not my religion.

The little spirits who live under your heart for such a short time are sent from above to be near you, to teach you, and to inspire you. Their journey was never meant to included life here on Earth, but life eternally watching over you. Their presence in your life is a true blessing and you were chosen to host and nurture and love them during their brief mission from heaven.

So tonight as I cannot sleep, I am feeling sorry for myself and wondering what I did wrong this time. Did I lift a box that was too heavy? Did I do to much yard work? Was it the raspberry tea that I drank? I will never know-but always wonder. I know it will get easier. But I will always wonder “What if?” and for every pregnancy, those first weeks are not joyous until that first ultrasound and until I hear a heartbeat.

  Louise wrote @ May 27, 2011 at 5:05 am

I’m 33 years old and have a 14 year old daughter from a previous marriage. My present husband and I got married 6 months ago and wanted to start trying for a baby straight away. We did and I got pregnant after the 2nd month of trying. We were over the moon and told everybody after just a few weeks. It never entered my mind that anything could go wrong. I took it for granted that since I had a previous healthy pregnancy, though a long time ago, all would be well. At 11 weeks I started to feel a bit worried, my 12 week scan was coming up and thought it was just a natural feeling. However after a couple of days i noticed my pregnancy symptoms were less. I had had very sore breasts and they were not feeling as sore, i also had a lot more energy. I had not had any naseau, but hadn’t with my daughter so that didn’t concern me. One morning I got out the shower and looked in the mirror and my breasts looked smaller. I burst out crying, I had a feeling of dread. I called my husband and we went to the health clinic which is a 5 minute walk away. We are from the UK but live in Central Asia, however i go back to the UK regularly and was having my prenatal care there. We told the receptionist we just wanted someone to listen for the heartbeat and i was due to go back to the UK the next week for my 12 week scan. I ended up being sent to 3 different clinics and getting little pieces of information, as they spoke Russian and I don’t! The lovely 20 year old receptionist who spoke English stayed with us all the time to help translate. As soon as I was told i would need a transvaginal scan i knew things were wrong. Eventually i was told there was no heartbeat and the baby was the size of a 6/7 week old. They wanted to book me in for a D&C. We got on the first flight back to the UK the next day. Everything was confirmed there and I was booked in for a D&C (ERPC) in 6 days. The next few days I started to bleed with very strong cramps, which i was happy about as i thought i could avoid the D&C. However the morning of the D&C they scanned me again and said everything was still there, so I went ahead and had it.
I have now started my first period which i was overjoyed with as i felt everything was behind me and i could start being proactive in trying again. However its a strange period as it keeps stopping and starting and after being clean from day 6, today is day 9 and i have had another bleed. This has broken me, and i feel i have gone backwards in my emotional healing. I was feeling quite good the last couple of weeks, playing tennis, exercising and enjoying my wine again ;-). I guess it takes more time than you think for your body and mind to recover. And although i am eager to get pregnant again, part of me is so scared and as really don’t want to go through another miscarriage.
I want to thank all of you who have posted your stories, it means so much to hear from people who have gone through this. I have read lots of webchats but this one really helps and i felt i should take the time out to share my story, which hopefully will help others.
My heart felt wishes to all of you x

  lynn wrote @ June 6, 2011 at 6:14 pm

I had a miscarriage at 5 weeks about 10 years ago. I had been on the depo shot and spotted the entire time. The first month off I conceived even though I had spotted throughout the month. I took like 6 or 8 tests watching the lines get darker. At about five weeks I started spotting and went to the doctor. The doctor told me I was just having a period and probably wasn’t ever pregnant. I asked aboout the positive tests and she said it was probably a bad lot.I had not told how many I had taken because I didn’t want to sound crazy. I told her at this point and she said “well, if you were pregant it was just for a minute.” That hurt so bad and ten years later I am still angry about it. I had the bleeding with the mc and never bled again. Thankfully I was pregnant with my son. Fastforward to present day I now have 4children who I adore. We were planning on having one last child and debated on that because of a down scare with our youngest child. I was thrilled to find out I was pregnant thoughand not worried at all about chromosomal problems. I am positive of my dates. I monitored my temps and had a+ hpt 5 days before my missed period. My first ultrasound I shoud have been 6 weeks and 3 days. They did an abdominal ultrasound tht showed only a sack at 5 weeks and 4days. They said my dates were off and to come back in 2 weeks for a dating ultrasound. At the 2 week ultrasound. The abdominal ultrasound only showed a sack. I was asked to undress for a vaginal us. It showed a yolk sack and fetal pole too small to see a hb. I should have been 8 weeks and 3 days. The doctor still seemed optimistic and wants me to come back in 1 week for another us. I told him that I already had a feeling that this was not going to happen. He said I may be right busince there was some growth since the last us and the yolk sac is perfectly round he is not convinced. I am. All of my symptoms left a few days before the first us. Oddly enough. The day they left I would have been 5 weeks and 4 days. The waiting is absolute torture but it has allowed me some time to cope. After rreading the stories here I think I will opt for the d&c. Whereas I was leaning toward a natural miscarriage. It has also given me time to research the causes. There is no history of mc in either side of our familes. I am convinced my first one was a result of the depo shot. This time I have been reading that slow growth in the first trimester is indicative of a chromosomal defect. I have found out that my husband had an uncle that was born with an undiagnosed defect and only lived for 3 months. This baby cried like a cat and its back was curved. I realize that I am very lucky to have 4 healthy children. I am still so very sad for this little baby. He or ahe would have been so loved

  Sarah wrote @ September 27, 2011 at 6:46 am

I live in the UK and from reading experiences on this site pregnancy medical care differs in the UK from the US. We don’t get tested/seen regularly early on in pregnancy. I would have have my first midwife appointment at 9.5 weeks and my dating scan at 12.5 weeks.
On Day 22 of my 24 day cycle I had PMT signs so I did a HPT test and it was negative. This calmed me because there was no am I aren’t I pregnant wonder going on that month because I had that answer up front. But then at day 29 I still hadn’t come on so I took a test and it was positive! So I took another and that was too! :o) We were thrilled and so excited!
My husband and I decided to keep it to ourselves- not even telling family until we’d had the 12 week dating scan and seen the heartbeat.
For 24 days I was blissfully happy and so excited, counting down the weeks until the scan so that we could tell our family and friends. Finally I felt that bit closer to achieving my dream.
On 1st September at 7 weeks 5 days I felt sick. As usual I was pleased to have pregnancy symptoms because I naively considered them a reassuring sign that things were going well. I never moaned about them. By lunchtime it had passed. 3 hours later I went to the toilet and noticed a small dark speck against my dark knickers. My heart sank. I wiped it with a tissue and saw it was brown. I went into shock, not wanting to believe what I instinctively knew was happening. I no longer felt pregnant. I called my husband at work and he met me at the doctors. He couldn’t accept my intuition. The GP suggested it was implantation bleeding and told me to book an early pregnancy scan to find out what was happening. I considered this unlikely at my stage of pregnancy since I was sure of my LMP. My husband’s hopes were further raised by hearing how common bleeding in pregnancy was. He googled and found it could be a fake period. As it got even heavier I knew this wasn’t the case. The National Health Service couldn’t offer a scan for 5 days so we paid for a private scan sooner and 2 days after it started I had it confirmed that I was in the process of a miscarriage and that it had stopped developing at 6 weeks. We were literally watching it bleed away on the screen. The sonographer kept asking me if I was sure I didn’t have backache. This worried me because I hadn’t had any pain and expected it to get far worse. We left completely devastated. That evening I felt a bubbling sensation and blood gushed out. I likened it to the rate when you have a heavy runny nose. The next evening I felt very mild twinges which became more frequent and the next morning it just slipped out.
Foolishly I had been counting the weeks until 12 weeks. I knew miscarriage was a risk but naively believed because I was fit and healthy that I’d be okay. That like cancer it happens to other people. For once in my life I was confident and positive.
I didn’t expect that cruelly the pregnancy hormone continues during miscarriage. Within a week my swollen breasts had gone down but then I started feeling sick again, had headaches and was very moody, far more so than when I was pregnant.
I never understood that miscarriage was a process not an event. I hadn’t known anyone closely who’d had one so no-one had ever talked about it to me. Like many others I hadn’t considered that it was any different to how they portray it in films, i.e. that you wake up covered in blood and that was it.
Looking back there were things that were supposed to happen week by week that didn’t. Foolishly I thought I was lucky to escape them. On reflection it indicated I certainly wasn’t lucky.
This site has been invaluable to me. I know it’s nothing I did or didn’t do. I now understand that right from conception the pregnancy is either viable or not so it’s out of my hands really. It’s just a matter of if it’s not viable at what point it stops developing and at what point your body rejects it.
I feel like I’m grieving more for the loss of joy and ignorance of future pregnancies. Although I only knew about my pregnancy for just under 4 weeks and it only took me 5 months to get pregnant this potential child represented something I’d dreamt of for much longer, since childhood. But I didn’t just want a child I wanted a family so I delayed it until I was settled in the right relationship and married. Now that I’m creeping towards age 35 and had this unfortunate experience after my first pregnancy I now wonder if I would have been wiser to have not waited for everything to have been perfect.
It’s now been longer since it happened then the time when I actually knew that I was pregnant. It’s a shame people don’t talk about or tell people about their experiences. Combine that with the fact that the medical staff I saw gave me very little information on what to expect means it’s been a very steep learning curve and again I have your site to thank for that.
I feel like the GP and hospital have treated me with token gestures to pat me on the back as if to say there there, job done-tick for them! It’s a shame the systems here in the UK aren’t sophisticated enough to tie up that visit to the GP to automatically notify the hospital to cancel the dating scan request so that I didn’t receive that. Or alternatively that the GP’s pre-empt this and advised me to cancel it myself.
I saw my GP again last week and she advised I need another scan to check it’s all come away. I’ve been told this is unusual so I’m unsure if this is because I haven’t experienced any pain and that the bleeding stopped after 6 days or because I’m still feeling very sick etc. Ironically I now have this scan booked for 4th October- the same date as the dating scan would have been. As instructed I called them to arrange this date and I explained my situation. Her first question was ‘How many weeks pregnant are you?!’ Wonderful at her job hey? Very professional and sensitive. Even when I explained again she just sounded like I was inconveniencing her with my call. If I was having a bad day I could have broken down in tears at this and then justifiably complained about her.
I feel oddly empowered and more self confident with the knowledge I’ve acquired. from your site. I feel as if I fit into a new group of those who have experienced it (only one group no woman would ever choose to join) but one that those who aren’t members will never be able to understand and appreciate. People who have had viable pregnancies don’t understand the loss of joy for future pregnancies. They themselves are also misinformed regarding the causes or to be more accurate the myths behind the causes of miscarriage. I get irritated by their well intended comments. Maybe I’m jealous of their ignorance? If any of my friends or family are unfortunate enough to experience a miscarriage I will certainly be recommending this site to them.
So I will have to start working through the ‘first’s’ e.g. seeing baby family members, mothers day, Christmas, the due date etc. I won’t ever forget this one though because (fingers crossed) I’ll have a permanent reminder because coincidently I’m due to become an auntie 2 days before…
It annoys me when I hear pregnant ladies moaning about their symptoms. I’d gladly swap places with them. Since nearly 4 weeks have passed it all now feels like a bad dream. When I knew I was pregnant all I thought about was baby and now I’ve lost it all I think about is the miscarriage :o(

  samantha hollier wrote @ September 28, 2011 at 12:03 pm

My name is Samantha Hollier. My husband and I decided that we wanted a baby so i went off birth control and we got pregnant within the 1st month. I called my Dr. and set up an appt for about 6 weeks later. i started cramping really bad on my right side so i was told to go to the hospital. On the way their i couldn’t help but think that this was my fault and i should have done something different. i was than told that i had appendicitis so i thought that my child was OK. i was told that i had to go into surgery the next day. so at 8 pm on Monday night i went into surgery thinking that my child was OK. well while on the table my blood pressure dropped and they put me completely under when i came to i automatically asked about my unborn child. The lady in the recovery room told me that the child in my uterus was fine but that i had lost my unborn childs twin who was stuck in my Fallopian tube. I was still on the pain medicine and didnt fully understand what she was talking about. later that night i woke screaming and asked for my dr and my husband to explain to me what had happened. i had lost a child while keeping the other. i felt like the worst mother ever im still not quite sure how i manged to get over it i dont know how i am going to tell my baby that she should have had a twin i dont know how i am going to tell her without her feeling guilty like i do. I lost Anthony Lynn Hollier on March 28th 2011 at 845 pm its been 6 months and im still depressed

  Andrea wrote @ November 25, 2011 at 9:30 pm

My story is a little differnt. Me and my hubby had gotten pregnant very easily. Everything had gone fine. I has an us at 6 weeks and it showed a healthy baby with a good heartbeat! Everything went fine until 9 weeks. I came home.from work and when I wiped noticed brown blood. I called er nurse and she said.that was normal but if it turned bright red to come in. Well within 45 min it was bright red. We went to er and no hubby was found. Baby has dies at 7 weeks. I had a natural miscarriage which wasn’t too bad. The dr had given me pain pills so aside from passing the clots it was just like bad cramps. Fast forward a few year and a healthy daughter later…I had been bleeding for 10 days which I thought was oddfor a period. I had also been crabby! Took a pg test on a whim and it was positive but I was already miscarrying. This miscarriage waa very mild being I was only 4 weeks. More recently march 2011…another positive pg test! I started spotting at about 6 weeks. Had an us and all looked good with a good heartbeat! Spotted for 3 weeks but never really heavy. I rented a doppler.for home and always found hb. I had an us at 13 weeks becuz I was measuring big. Baby looked great! I had been checking hb every couple of days and at 14 week mark couldn’t find it. Went ro dr whom also couldn’t find it with doppler so sent me for us..I was alone as my hubby was getting ready to deploy and I was on my way to see him. I knew it wasn’t gonna be good and it wasn’t. Just as I knew the babies hb had stopped sometime between 1 and 4 days earlier..the dr talked to me over phone at us and becuz of my situation and being I was literally on my way to see hubby he said we could wait on d&e. He said becuz I was so far along u wouldn’t pass this baby naturally nor would I want too. Aorta finally almost 2 weeks later has the surgery. All went well. But after 3 days waa starting to not feel well. By day 5 I couldn’t hardly stand up. I was crying in pain. I went in for bloodwork and us. Was told there was a lot of tissue left in uterus …so dr put me on antibiotic for the infection plus stronger pain pills plus pills to make my uterus contract. In rare cases the cervix swells shut and doesn’t allow fetal material to pass hence infection and horrible pain!! Do after 3 days of the other meds I finally started feeling better. Now here I am 11 weeks pg. Very hard not to worry all the time but so far so good! Hb looks good and haven’t spotted at all. I’m on progesterone ans aspirin. Keeping our fingers crosses as this will be the last pregnancy

  Madeleine wrote @ March 24, 2012 at 6:04 pm

I just wanted to say how inspirational all you women mentioned, and all women who have to go through this are. I have recently had a mc and it has been one of the loneliest times of my life. My mc was at 12 weeks and everyone seems to think that i am ‘lucky’ that it happened so early!?!?!? No one else seems to understand that to me and my partner the ‘lost fetus’ was our child and had a name and a personalilty. It doesnt matter if you lose a baby at 12 weeks or 30 it is still a loss ans is one of the most traumatic things any couple should have to go through. It is comforting to know there are others that have felt the same pain as I and there is light at the end of the tunnel.

  Jenni wrote @ June 8, 2012 at 8:11 pm

This is actually very hard for me to share and bare with me my grammar is horrible
My story begins in June 2010 and I knew I was pregnant. I just had my daughter 11 months b4 so this was a big surprise. My pregnancy went along with no morning sickness or anything never really felt pregnant. But at 9 weeks I saw her on the ultra sound and she looked fine and I felt fine. My boyfriend and I were having issues and I continued to be stressed. But the day to find out the baby’s sex had arrived. I was so happy and wasn’t at my boyfriend anymore just loved him deeply. We brought his family along and our daughter. We were joking in the waiting room about the sex. They finally called us back I was so happy. She pulled the screen up and there was my baby beautiful. But the nurse had a look of Awww poor you. The doctor came in and said the baby had past. It felt like my heart was just ripped out I couldn’t stop crying I just wanted to run away. My ob told me I would have to be induced because the baby was too big. I was so scared but I new it had to be done. My body was still thinking the baby was alive I had no cramping or anything. I walked around for hours with my boyfriend be four I had to deliver. We came in at 9 at 9 and they wasted no time in inducing me. I started to cry and begged them to check for a heart beat again but the nurse ignored my please. I woke up at 12 at night with horrible contraction and I told the nurse I wanted the epi but she refused and said it was to soon. I told her my water broke but she said I just needed to pee. I was crying I was in so much pain she forced me into the bathroom. I told her I think the baby is coming, she ignored me. The cramping was so unbearable and I sat on toilet and had my daughter. I screamed she looked like a little person hands legs feet. I held her in my arms screaming for the nurse. The cramping wasn’t stopping, I thought I was going to faint. Nurse yelled at me to walk to the bed. I asked the lord plz don’t let my boyfriend see his daughter plz. I finally made it to the bed and the nurse said the placenta still needs to come out. She still wasn’t giving me pain medicine. The pain made me crazy I just wanted to escape. The nurse left me connect with my daughter for two hours until some doctor I didn’t know came in and started to perform the d and c on me. I began screaming I had no pain meds nothing. All the doctor said was shove her something already and just kept tearing at me. I passed out from the pain when I woke up they told me to leave the hospital. My little girl was born 09/23/2010 her name is Melonie Rose. She was 20 weeks when she passed. The doctors did not let me bury her and I did not get to see her again. The hospital did have a grief therapist her words of wisdom was well at least she wasn’t planned. A day does not go by that I do not think of my little Melonie Rose.
What I take from this is take charge of your body and your health. Don’t let anyone bully you into doing something you do not want to do.

  Emily wrote @ July 3, 2012 at 12:16 pm

I am 27 years old and have had 3 miscarriages. The first when I was 21.. I was a week and a half late for my period when I took a test in the middle of the day that showed a faint positive. I had no symptoms other than just “feeling different”. Four days after taking the test I woke up in the middle of the night with the worst cramps I’ve ever had and alot of blood. No D&C was needed. The second I was 25..two months away from my 26th birthday. I was taking birth control, but it was a very stressful time for me so I had a tendency to forget..alot. The moment I realized I was pregnant was when I miscarried and saw my baby. Although a week before I felt a “flutter” in my right side and remember thinking how odd that was and that I should take a test. I was 8 weeks pregnant. The third, was 8 months ago. I started my period a week late with awful cramps like the first time, but I hadn’t taken a test. But, after being pregnant twice before and losing both my babies, I’ve learned to pay close attention to my body and I feel sure that I was. If I’m pregnant again then I’m 7 1/2 weeks. I want this baby so much it hurts and I really don’t think I can handle another miscarriage.

  Katherine wrote @ August 16, 2012 at 2:35 am

I have lost 5 babies through miscarriages. Two were when I had just found out and I started bleeding. The other 3 were missed abortions. I am 39 years old and a mother of a beautiful 19 yr. old woman. I had suffered my 5th loss two months ago and haven’t fully grieved over my loss. It’s eating me up inside. I cry here and there to myself but I haven’t fully went through my emotions that I may not ever have another child. Nothing can replace the miricle God has given me and the gift that has left me. I just want to be able to live and be somewhat happy again.

  Andrea wrote @ September 5, 2012 at 9:25 am

When my son Isaac turned 6 months I was overjoyed to be trying to concieve a sibling for him. My pregnancy with him had been very routine, I didn’t even experience any morning sickness, so in our second month of trying, when I noticed a spot of pink blood at 11 days post ovulation I thought ‘maybe implantation bleeding’. I didn’t want to get my hopes up so I marked it on a piece of paper and it left my mind. At the same time I felt dizzy if I stood up too long, or my shower was too hot and felt exactly like I did during my first pregnancy.
Three days later when my period was due I noticed the pink blood again, I thought that I was out for the month and it was my period beginning but the next morning, the blood was gone and my hope restored. This made my period one day late so I took a test. It was negative. Again that night I spotted pink.
The following day it was gone.
I waited another day before testing to let my hormones build up because I just knew I was pregnant and when I took the next test it was once again negative.
I was confused and upset, I was pregnant but the tests didn’t agree.
At 17 days post ovulation the pink spotting started again. It carried on for 3 more days and I had noticed that it was now a steady flow and the amount was slowly increasing. I told my fiance and he asked ‘what does that mean’ all I could tell him was ‘I might be having a miscarriage’. He told me not to think like that or something silly. I had tested each day and was still getting negatives.
On the night of the third day I fell into a depression. I didn’t want to talk to him or look at him, even my son couldn’t cheer me up. I just wanted to be alone and suffer in my unexplainable sadness.
The next morning when we awoke to my fiance’s alarm I noticed that I was cramping, no make that contracting. I could tell exactly when each contraction began and ended. They were uncomfortable but not painful. I knew what was happenening but didn’t say a word to my fiance, I was scared to face it. I stayed in bed and went back to sleep until my son woke up and was crying. Reluctantly I went to the bathroom, scared of what I would find.
I was right to be scared, as soon as I sat on the toilet I felt something fall out of me. I looked and saw that it was a huge clot around an inch in diameter, I was devastated but in a state of shock. I flushed it and went to call my fiance at work.
He kept rejecting my calls (I later found out he was in a meeting, sitting right next to the big boss) Losing my cool and desparate to talk to someone I called my Mum. The first thing she said was ‘is it congratulations?’ I started shaking as I said ‘No’ She responded ‘did you get your period?’ I said ‘I dont think its that either’ she asked ‘what is it then’ and all I could say as I burst into tears was ‘I think I’m losing my baby’. It was the worst feeling of my life. I later had to tell my fiance through text message while in a fit of tears. I then had to stop and be a Mum so I suppressed the tears and made my son breakfast, I made an appointment to see a doctor later that day. My fiance called back to check up on me and I told him there was no need to come home. The doctor ordered me a blood test immediately and I went to have my blood taken. About 4 hours later she called me with the results, my HCG was a 2, but I already knew. The tingling sensation I began getting a few days before in my breasts was gone and they no longer felt fuller.
The next few days I somehow felt great. I was strangely happy. I lost a few smaller blood clots that were gone by the third or fourth day. I also noticed that for the first 2 or 3 days the blood smelled like lochia, which is the bleeding you have after giving birth. After that it just smelled like blood and I knew my baby was long gone. On the 6th day it seemed like the blood wasn’t slowing down but all of a sudden it just stopped. I expected spotting after but it never came.
I would have been exactly 5 weeks when the bleeding started.
My one regret is that I didn’t see the doctor days earlier for a blood test, It would have been nice to see a positive result.
It has now been almost a month and I can say with certainty that the happiness that I had in the first days, did not last. I feel empty inside, like I lost a piece of my soul with my baby.
We are trying again but I am scared for the future.
I miss the child I will never meet and think about them every day. I hope to give him/her a name sometime soon. I know that the pain will fade as time passes but for now, I am just going to take it one day at a time and pray that my next pregnancy is a long one.

  Lisa wrote @ September 12, 2012 at 1:37 pm

I had my healthy daughter in 2011. The pregnancy was completely normal in every way. We decided to try for a sibling in 2012 so our children would be exactly 2 years apart. As it was with our first child, we got pregnant right away. But this time was different. I had symptoms, but not like before. It was a “boring” pregnancy. I often looked into miscarriage information on the internet because the pregnancy was progressing but not like I would have expected.

  Lisa wrote @ September 12, 2012 at 1:42 pm

My apologies.
We went to the midwife who couldn’t find a heartbeat at 11 weeks. I had already told her I would have been surprised if a baby was in there. Our ultrasound was at 12 weeks and the baby had passed at 10w2days in size.
They told me it could be 4-5 weeks before I miscarried naturally, so I opted for a D&C which went well, as far as I can tell.
For the last 6 weeks I have been a bundle of nerves. I’m terrified of never getting my cycles going again and worried that the D&C may have damaged me, even though I have no real reason to feel this way. It’s just amazing how little information there is out there related to the physical aspects of healing from a miscarriage. Thank you for putting together this website. Whenever I feel overwhealmed by the lack of certainty in the future, I turn here. Hopefully, we’ll have good news to report soon.

  Lisa wrote @ October 29, 2012 at 1:43 pm

I last posted on September 12, 2012. It took me 6 weeks and 6 days to get my period post-D&C and, thankfully, it was normal in every way. My husband and I made the decision to start trying again right after my first period. I am now almost 7 weeks pregnant. Not one day – probably even 1 hour – goes by that I don’t think about the pregnancy I lost. In fact, it’s hard to explain in a way that sounds rational, but I almost feel like I’m still pregnant with same baby as I was last time. I can only imagine that this is because I’m either afraid of losing a third child or that I’m not ready to let go of the second one (or both). Fortunately, I’m having symptoms that are closer to my first pregnancy than my second, but I can’t concentrate worrying about whether or not I have enough symptoms and if things are going well. I just wish that someone could tell me everything is going to be okay – of course, no person can tell you this. We have an early scan to check for “viability”. I almost didn’t book it because never been so afraid to do so something in my life. I just couldn’t bear to hear bad news again. I’m not ready. Of course, it’s been more than a week since I lost my baby and so everyone else seems to have happily moved on and wonders why I can’t do the same. This process is so much harder than I thought it would be and I regret not being more informed about how to help my friends who have been through the same. I suppose you never know what someone goes through until you walk a mile in their shoes.

  Lisa wrote @ November 14, 2012 at 11:19 am

I last posted on October 29, 2012. We had our early scan last Friday. It was just as hard as I was afraid it would be. I held it together until we were taken to the back waiting room and then the tears started to flow. Fortunately, we had a firm ultrasound technician who was able to coax me onto the exam table in relatively short order. I couldn’t look at the screen. In my mind all I could see was the stillness of our last baby. After an eternity, or maybe a few seconds, she told me the heartbeat was good at 157 and the baby was measuring 8 weeks. I cried more, enough that it took me a few minutes to even see the flicker of the heart through my tears. I suppose this means that our chances are good we’ll have a baby this time around. I would love to just be happy and embrace it, but given our last baby passed away later than 8 weeks, I don’t feel as confident as I was hoping I would feel. It does feel better though. Only 3 weeks until our next ultrasound and then maybe I’ll feel ready to tell people. It’s so hard to have faith, but I suppose not having faith isn’t going to change the outcome and is only going to make me miss out on the joy of expecting a baby.

  Lisa wrote @ December 6, 2012 at 1:27 pm

I last posted in November 14, 2012. Yesterday was our 12 week ultrasound. Thank goodness, it went well and everything appears fine with the new baby. The whole ultrasound process was still so hard and so nerve-wracking. The technician told me there was a good heartbeat right away, but when I looked up the baby wasn’t moving. I felt that panic and fear wash over me. And then, the baby moved. Relief. I now feel like it’s time to get excited and plan for the future. So far, it’s easier said than done. I have spent the last three months trying so hard to focus on “one day at a time, try not to worry too much about the future” that I still don’t know in my heart if I believe I’m going to have a baby at the end of this process. I’ll now have to go back and start working on trying to plan, look forward and have faith. I miss you, my little baby #2. We will always have a place for you. I hope that the many other women who turn to this site will have our good fortune on their next try. My thoughts are with you.

  Louise wrote @ December 29, 2012 at 3:49 pm

I am still bleeding from a miscarriage I had on Christmas Day. I found out I was pregnant a week before. I have three children two from a relationship when I was young and one from my marriage last year. I found out I was pregnant with my 8 month old 2 months after getting married. All went well and I had a home birth. This time I was very happy as I am still breast feeding my son so thought my chances of conception were slim. I am 34 and my husband and I both would like a large family. I firstly noticed a dot of brown blood about 2 am Christmas morning before bed and got a feeling of dread. I showed my husband and he was scared but reassured me as I did him. I woke and there was a slight old blood residue the next day but also cramps pains which got worse until the blood slowly turned from brown to red as the pain increased. Whilst out for dinner I noticed this and pulled my husband aside hugged him and told him we were going to loose our baby. So sad because we told all our family only the night before. By Christmas night I took a trip to the ER and got treated very well and seen very quickly the bleeding was quite light then. They took my bloods. The bleeding increased until every time I went to the loo Boxing Day I was afraid to look. When I did I called my husband and showed him the bright red water in the toilet. That night we told our children including our stepdaughter who lives with us about the sad news. They cried. The youngest slept in bed with us for comfort she is 8. During the night I passed what was the baby. Two very big clots. About two inches each. I found them on my pad after a uncomfortable sleep. I told my husband I thought the baby had come out and wrapped it up in a clean nappy in a fluster as it was all I had in the bathroom. The next day I got more bloodwork done. It was confirmed the pregnancy hormone had dropped from 80 to 30. I lost the baby. I feel so upset. So does my husband. I have hope though and we named the tiny unformed child of ours Francis. The gpriest is coming tomorrow and we will probably have a mass said for our child in heaven who went to meet Jesus on Christmas Day. Despite the negative hype the Catholic chirch respects life in ALL its stages. How beautiful. We placed the pieces of our child’s unformed body on large cotton pads and covered it then placed it in a small box that was a gift from The Vatican in Rome for the goodbye mass. One child of mine this year brought to birth on Easter and one created to be with Jesus on Christmas Day. Gosh I am sad and hopes are still alive. Fear tries to creep in and say ill never have another child with my love my only my handsome husband. The brain nagging, too old, happen again, your fault, be afraid but ultimately I am very blessed and am hopeful. Thank you all for sharing and I really pray things turn out ok for you. Keep hoping and let’s try not to fry our own minds with too much Internet misery. You have a little saint in heaven praying for you mummy. All life is sacred however long or short. If we can conceive or not if we are disabled or able. Life in all its many forms. So try to love you right now. God bless all readers and all who suffer this pain. It will pass and another day will be bright because there is only one of you and there always will be and there is only one of the child you correctly grieve and always will be.

  Thomastasja wrote @ January 3, 2013 at 7:47 am

I learned about my pregnancy shortly before my 30th birthday. It was a surprise and it took a while for me and my partner to come to terms with the news. We did. We have been thinking about telling our families over Christmas as everyone would be together for the first time. I stopped drinking alcohol entirely and significantly decreased my caffeine intake. I would not eat my favourite cheese anymore, and have my eggs cooked all the way through. I was looking forward to a healthy little baby.

I have been very cautious about entirely adopting the thought of being pregnant as I was aware that about a quarter of early pregnancies result in miscarriage. I was very worried about this possibility and discussed it with my partner and midwife and read about the topic extensively. Early on, pregnancy symptoms set in. I was very tired and my breasts felt tender to the point of soreness. I was peckish all the time as well and quite irritable without food.

About eight weeks into my pregnancy, I started spotting brown blood. I called the midwife and she said I should wait and see whether it got worse and painful. The bleeding was very light but as it persisted until the next day and changed in colour (it became dark red), my partner took me to A&E. This was on Saturday, December 22. The next day, we expected my family from abroad for Christmas and I wanted to make sure I was okay for the holidays. I got to see a nurse who asked me about my symptoms, how heavy the bleeding was, how often I had to change pads, whether there were any clots. I have always wondered about blood clots and I wasn’t entirely sure what these were. Following this, I had my blood and urine taken and was waiting at the gynaecology ward to see a doctor. I was very uncomfortable as I had a needle stuck into my arm and was already wearing hospital clothing. My partner tried calming me down.
The doctor said that bleeding occurred quite often, that my urine and blood were good, but it could be possible that I was miscarrying. If this was the case, they could not do anything about it.

I wasn’t able to get a scan that day, so she proposed to have one early in the morning on boxing day. As we were planning to stay at my partners’ parents together with my family over Christmas and I really did not want anyone to worry but enjoy Christmas, I asked for a later appointment. We were told to come for a scan of December 30. A week of wait and absolute desolation. Everyone waiting for a scan: Try to get the earliest one! There are more important things in life than trying to make everybody happy at the cost of your own mental health and well-being.

The next day, the bleeding became stronger. I was concerned but I was aware that many women bleed during pregnancy. So I tried to preoccupy myself with preparations for the family and enjoying Christmas. We decided not to tell anyone about the pregnancy because of the bleeding. I didn’t want to take everybody’s happiness away.

On boxing day, during our family breakfast with both families, I started having strong cramps to the point that I was squeezing my partner’s hand under the table. After breakfast, I got up and felt a gush. I was very concerned and quickly made my way to the bathroom. Moments later I found myself in my worst nightmare. There was blood gushing out of me, so much, so heavy and so quick that I was in absolute terror. Big dark red blood clots came out the size of golf balls. I saw these and started shaking all over. I couldn’t believe my own eyes. There was more blood everywhere. I cleaned up the bathroom and had to smile at everyone again as if nothing had happened. All I wanted was for my parents to spend their first Christmas in England nicely and not having to worry. Most of that morning I spent in the bathroom as there was more blood and more clots. I could feel it rushing out of me and I was scared to leak, literally.

The family planned a trip for the day and I tried my best to talk them out of it. Luckily, I spent most of the day sitting in the car with bathroom breaks being aguishly anticipated.

This experience was the worst in my life. I am lacking words to describe the absolute terror, bewilderment and disbelief in what had happened. It was surreal. The pain was barely bearable and I put on the best show that I could have, for the sake of my parents. My mum realised something was wrong so I told her that I was suffering from after effects from the norovirus that I had caught a week ago.

The next day, December 27, my family left and the first thing I did was to call the hospital. After describing my symptoms to her, she put me through to the doctor. So I described my symptoms to the doctor. She said she had to discuss it with her superior. Back on the phone she said they didn’t need me to come back to the hospital before the scan. If I had any other problems, I should call them again. I was baffled. Neither was I told what to do nor did I hear a word of consolation. I was not informed about what was going on with me. If it was not for the Internet and the pregnancyloss forum, I would have been left in utter desolation. My partner was a great source of consolation during this time. Even today I am still utterly bewildered at the reaction of the doctor. Her lack of empathy and basic humanity has made me feel lonely, not understood, and not take seriously. I had just lost my baby and a mere acknowledgement of this loss would have been the bare minimum I would expect from a health care worker.

I rested. The next few days I spent on the couch watching television and eating ice cream. I couldn’t get myself to do anything. I was anticipating the scan. I was frightened. The bleeding was still strong. On December 29, the bleeding got stronger yet again and I passed dark red tissue, about 8x1cm in size.

Finally, on December 30, my partner took me to the gynaecology ward. I got the long anticipated scan. The technician said she couldn’t see any signs of a pregnancy. She asked me whether I was okay with a transvaginal scan. I said yes. I had never done something like that and felt extremely uncomfortable. She said she couldn’t see anything. There was no pregnancy. It might have been a miscarriage. She asked me to get dressed and wait in the waiting area because somebody else would come to talk to me. My partner tried to comfort me as I was beside myself. I didn’t want his consolation as I felt that I would start crying any moment. I used the last bit of my energy to pull myself together in the waiting room until the nurse came to see us.

The nurse was kind and polite and said that one third of pregnancies end in miscarriage. She said there was nothing I could have done about it as it is likely that it was a chromosomal problem. She asked me for my age and said that I was still young. I would be ovulating soon and we could try again once my bleeding had stopped. She took a blood sample. Then she asked me how I feel about the situation. At that point I lost my self-control and started crying. I felt miserable. My partner comforted me and the nurse brought a few useful leaflets.

Once we got home I wept miserably. My partner tried to do everything he could to comfort me. I don’t know what I would have done without him. In the evening he called the midwife and asked her whether I needed to receive an Anti-D injection as I am rhesus negative. The wife confirmed what the nurse had said previously, namely that these injections will only be given at twelve weeks. He called the hospital for the results of my blood tests. My hcg levels had dropped from an initial 14000 to 800. The nurse said to come back in two days’ time for another blood test to check the hormone levels.

On January 1, we found ourselves sitting in the waiting area of the gynaecology ward again. On our way, we had met a girl who had told us about her ectopic pregnancy. She was scared. Another woman came in with her two kids, clearly in pain as she wouldn’t be able to walk properly. I kept asking myself whether she was suffering from the pains of miscarriage. Yet another woman was brought in. She appeared very sad and was crying. So much misery. That waiting room was the last place I wanted to be in. I was the only woman with her partner in the waiting area. I was asking myself what I would have done if I was by myself.

After one and a half hours of waiting, the doctor took my blood. She asked me for symptoms and left the room. A nurse came in. She was very kind and caring. She told me that it was nature’s way and I could not have done anything to stop it. She said that early miscarriages happen at random and I was young so we can have other children. It was very comforting and made me feel a bit better.
The next morning, I called the hospital for the results of my blood test. The nurse said my hcg levels had fallen from 800 to about 300. They need to be below 5 in order for your body not to think you’re pregnant. She asked me to come back in for another blood test in a week to make sure that my body had expelled all the pregnancy tissue. The next day, I lost another heap of blood, accompanied by further pain. I lost more tissue.

Now, a week after the worst experience of my life, I am a bit better. I feel support from my partner. I have applied for membership of the Miscarriage Association. I am baffled at the lack of public knowledge about miscarriages particularly considering its tremendous frequency. I want to learn more and I want to share my experience. I feel that if I had known what to expect, the pain, the trauma, the desolation, loneliness and disbelief, I would have been helped. Time is the greatest healer, that’s what my partner says. I know it’s true. It will numb the pain. But I know it will be there forever. This was my first pregnancy and I have lost my baby. I am scared to be pregnant again. I don’t know whether I could cope with another pregnancy loss. I am wondering about the purpose of things now that this has happened. I know I will move on, but I also know that I will never forget. I am with all the women who have to go through the same experience. I feel your pain. I hope you have someone to comfort you. I hope you have the strength to go on.

On a last note, I have not told anyone about my pregnancy apart from my partner and my closest friend as I was aware of the ever so present stats surrounding early miscarriage. I would advise other women do the same. I could not bear going out there telling anyone. I am still waiting to tell my friend about it. I am afraid to do it because it brings the experience back into reality.

  Thomastasja wrote @ January 7, 2013 at 11:09 am

Pregnancy loss
I learned about my pregnancy shortly before my 30th birthday. It was a surprise and it took a while for me and my partner to come to terms with the news. We did. We have been thinking about telling our families over Christmas as everyone would be together for the first time. I stopped drinking alcohol entirely and significantly decreased my caffeine intake. I would not eat my favourite cheese anymore, and have my eggs cooked all the way through. I was looking forward to a healthy little baby.
I have been very cautious about entirely adopting the thought of being pregnant as I was aware that about a quarter of early pregnancies result in miscarriage. I was very worried about this possibility and discussed it with my partner and midwife and read about the topic extensively. Early on, pregnancy symptoms set in. I was very tired and my breasts felt tender to the point of soreness. I was peckish all the time as well and quite irritable without food.
About eight weeks into my pregnancy, I started spotting brown blood. I called the midwife and she said I should wait and see whether it got worse and painful. The bleeding was very light but as it persisted until the next day and changed in colour (it became dark red), my partner took me to A&E. This was on Saturday, December 22. The next day, we expected my family from abroad for Christmas and I wanted to make sure I was okay for the holidays. I got to see a nurse who asked me about my symptoms, how heavy the bleeding was, how often I had to change pads, whether there were any clots. I have always wondered about blood clots and I wasn’t entirely sure what these were. Following this, I had my blood and urine taken and was waiting at the gynaecology ward to see a doctor. I was very uncomfortable as I had a needle stuck into my arm and was already wearing hospital clothing. My partner tried calming me down.
The doctor said that bleeding occurred quite often, that my urine and blood were good, but it could be possible that I was miscarrying. If this was the case, they could not do anything about it. I wasn’t able to get a scan that day, so she proposed to have one early in the morning on boxing day. As we were planning to stay at my partners’ parents together with my family over Christmas and I really did not want anyone to worry but enjoy Christmas, I asked for a later appointment. We were told to come for a scan of December 30. A week of wait and absolute desolation. Everyone waiting for a scan: Try to get the earliest one! There are more important things in life than trying to make everybody happy at the cost of your own mental health and well-being.
The next day, the bleeding became stronger. I was concerned but I was aware that many women bleed during pregnancy. So I tried to preoccupy myself with preparations for the family and enjoying Christmas. We decided not to tell anyone about the pregnancy because of the bleeding. I didn’t want to take everybody’s happiness away.
On boxing day, during our family breakfast with both families, I started having strong cramps to the point that I was squeezing my partner’s hand under the table. After breakfast, I got up and felt a gush. I was very concerned and quickly made my way to the bathroom. Moments later I found myself in my worst nightmare. There was blood gushing out of me, so much, so heavy and so quick that I was in absolute terror. Big dark red blood clots came out the size of golf balls. I saw these and started shaking all over. I couldn’t believe my own eyes. There was more blood everywhere. I cleaned up the bathroom and had to smile at everyone again as if nothing had happened. All I wanted was for my parents to spend their first Christmas in England nicely and not having to worry. Most of that morning I spent in the bathroom as there was more blood and more clots. I could feel it rushing out of me and I was scared to leak, literally.
The family planned a trip for the day and I tried my best to talk them out of it. Luckily, I spent most of the day sitting in the car with bathroom breaks being aguishly anticipated.
This experience was the worst in my life. I am lacking words to describe the absolute terror, bewilderment and disbelief in what had happened. It was surreal. The pain was barely bearable and I put on the best show that I could have, for the sake of my parents. My mum realised something was wrong so I told her that I was suffering from after effects from the norovirus that I had caught a week ago.
The next day, December 27, my family left and the first thing I did was to call the hospital. After describing my symptoms to her, she put me through to the doctor. So I described my symptoms to the doctor. She said she had to discuss it with her superior. Back on the phone she said they didn’t need me to come back to the hospital before the scan. If I had any other problems, I should call them again. I was baffled. Neither was I told what to do nor did I hear a word of consolation. I was not informed about what was going on with me. If it was not for the Internet and the pregnancyloss forum, I would have been left in utter desolation. My partner was a great source of consolation during this time. Even today I am still utterly bewildered at the reaction of the doctor. Her lack of empathy and basic humanity has made me feel lonely, not understood, and not take seriously. I had just lost my baby and a mere acknowledgement of this loss would have been the bare minimum I would expect from a health care worker.
I rested. The next few days I spent on the couch watching television and eating ice cream. I couldn’t get myself to do anything. I was anticipating the scan. I was frightened. The bleeding was still strong. On December 29, the bleeding got stronger yet again and I passed dark red tissue, about 8x1cm in size. Finally, on December 30, my partner took me to the gynaecology ward. I got the long anticipated scan. The technician said she couldn’t see any signs of a pregnancy. She asked me whether I was okay with a transvaginal scan. I said yes. I had never done something like that and felt extremely uncomfortable. She said she couldn’t see anything. There was no pregnancy. It might have been a miscarriage. She asked me to get dressed and wait in the waiting area because somebody else would come to talk to me. My partner tried to comfort me as I was beside myself. I didn’t want his consolation as I felt that I would start crying any moment. I used the last bit of my energy to pull myself together in the waiting room until the nurse came to see us.
The nurse was kind and polite and said that one third of pregnancies end in miscarriage. She said there was nothing I could have done about it as it is likely that it was a chromosomal problem. She asked me for my age and said that I was still young. I would be ovulating soon and we could try again once my bleeding had stopped. She took a blood sample. Then she asked me how I feel about the situation. At that point I lost my self-control and started crying. I felt miserable. My partner comforted me and the nurse brought a few useful leaflets.
Once we got home I wept miserably. My partner tried to do everything he could to comfort me. I don’t know what I would have done without him. In the evening he called the midwife and asked her whether I needed to receive an Anti-D injection as I am rhesus negative. The wife confirmed what the nurse had said previously, namely that these injections will only be given at twelve weeks. He called the hospital for the results of my blood tests. My hcg levels had dropped from an initial 14000 to 800. The nurse said to come back in two days’ time for another blood test to check the hormone levels.
On January 1, we found ourselves sitting in the waiting area of the gynaecology ward again. On our way, we had met a girl who had told us about her ectopic pregnancy. She was scared. Another woman came in with her two kids, clearly in pain as she wouldn’t be able to walk properly. I kept asking myself whether she was suffering from the pains of miscarriage. Yet another woman was brought in. She appeared very sad and was crying. So much misery. That waiting room was the last place I wanted to be in. I was the only woman with her partner in the waiting area. I was asking myself what I would have done if I was by myself.
After one and a half hours of waiting, the doctor took my blood. She asked me for symptoms and left the room. A nurse came in. She was very kind and caring. She told me that it was nature’s way and I could not have done anything to stop it. She said that early miscarriages happen at random and I was young so we can have other children. It was very comforting and made me feel a bit better.
The next morning, I called the hospital for the results of my blood test. The nurse said my hcg levels had fallen from 800 to about 300. They need to be below 5 in order for your body not to think you’re pregnant. She asked me to come back in for another blood test in a week to make sure that my body had expelled all the pregnancy tissue. The next day, I lost another heap of blood, accompanied by further pain. I lost more tissue.
Now, a week after the worst experience of my life, I am a bit better. I feel support from my partner. I have applied for membership of the Miscarriage Association. I am baffled at the lack of public knowledge about miscarriages particularly considering its tremendous frequency. I want to learn more and I want to share my experience. I feel that if I had known what to expect, the pain, the trauma, the desolation, loneliness and disbelief, I would have been helped. Time is the greatest healer, that’s what my partner says. I know it’s true. It will numb the pain. But I know it will be there forever. This was my first pregnancy and I have lost my baby. I am scared to be pregnant again. I don’t know whether I could cope with another pregnancy loss. I am wondering about the purpose of things now that this has happened. I know I will move on, but I also know that I will never forget. I am with all the women who have to go through the same experience. I feel your pain. I hope you have someone to comfort you. I hope you have the strength to go on.
On a last note, I have not told anyone about my pregnancy apart from my partner and my closest friend as I was aware of the ever so present stats surrounding early miscarriage. I would advise other women do the same. I could not bear going out there telling anyone. I am still waiting to tell my friend about it. I am afraid to do it because it brings the experience back into reality.

  Elaine wrote @ May 23, 2013 at 3:32 pm

We live in the UK and got pregnant the second month of trying end of Feb this year and were thrilled. Decided not to tell anyone until 12 weeks. Really pleased to be pregnant but physically found it difficult as normally very active and unsure of how much exercise I could do. Made it all the way to 12 weeks and then started a tiny bit of spotting 3 days before my first scan. We were very worried as we had no idea what it meant, phoned local early pregnancy unit who were very good and arranged for scan one day earlier than planned. Everyone great but doctor made random comment about people often being earlier than they think which annoyed me as I was 100% sure on my dates. Anyway they did the scan and I had actually miscarried at 7 weeks, so 5 weeks earlier! Went for the medical management I.e the pills. It was Painful but bearable. I feel angry that my body hadn’t realised the baby had died. This was 4 weeks ago now, feeling ok except a few good friends are pregnant too at exactly the same time which is a bit hard too take.

  raquel wrote @ August 5, 2014 at 4:01 pm

On July 10, 2014 i found out i was pregnan im 20 for the first time after taking 2 first respone pegnancy tests that came back positive since my period didnt come in june and i started spotting most likely implantation bleeding. I called a OB clinic to schedule my first prenatal app I went in the told me i was about 5 weeks preg. 3 weeks later im stil spotting everyday but thet told me its normal as long as it doesnt turn red. then one day i get home from school i wipe and there is red blood i tell my husband to take me to the ER and they do a pelvic exam and hcg blood test and a ultrasound the doc tellss me he doesntvknow if i am miscarring t that his not sure if he saw a heart beat or my aeorta and to do a followup app with my OB …he didnt help me much. so i schedule an app with the OB and a tech did a transvaginal ultrasound this time and i saw my bby on the screen i got happy because in my mind im like my baby is still in there everything will be okay. But it wasnt when i talked to the OB she told me there was no heart beat and my hcg levels were dropping and that i would have a misscaraige so she asked me if i wanted a natural misscaraiage or the surgery i said natural. and on Aug 2 i started having contractions i spent 2 hours in the bathroom in pain just bleeding when all of a sudden i get the sharpest pain and out comes the sac with my bby in it i cried and cried i felt so empty thinking why did this happen to me i was alll alone my husband was at work so i had to clean the bathrooom afterward while i was in pain isaved the sac and popped it because i wanted to see my baby and inside was a tiny fetus with eyes and little hands i felt so sad i couldnt just flush it down the toilet so my husband and i bought a pot with flowers and burried the baby in it. This was one of the worst events in my i wont ever forget the day i lost my first bby.

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