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In October we were so excited to see the second line on the pregnancy test! We were expecting our second baby. Jacob would be a big brother. 2 days later I took another test, still positive! I called my ob to get an appointment and they saw me that day. Everything was great. I scheduled my first ultrasound for about 2 weeks later. We ordered a t-shirt for Jacob to tell everyone. We planned to tell them on thanksgiving. In my ultrasound they had trouble seeing the baby so she asked if she could do a transvaginal ultrasound. I was fine with that but really nervous. After a minute she turned the screen to me so I could see the heart beat. A sigh of relief! They said our due date may be off and I could talk to the doctor about it at my next visit which was 2 weeks away. We told everyone on Thanksgiving day. They were all so excited. I went to my next check up and asked about my ultrasound and due date and also about my blood work results. the Midwife told me she didn’t have either and they found it was sent to a different site. They would have them in a day or two and I could call then. Everything looked fine though so far. She did tell me I might not be able to travel to my brothers out of state wedding which I was really bummed about! I called a few times and they still didn’t have my results. Then I finally got a call telling me that my ultrasound had been lost due to computer problems and I could come in the next day for an ultrasound for dating and they offered me a free 3D ultrasound later in my pregnancy. I was so excited about both. That night while relaxing in a warm bath I had some back pain and two pains that felt like mild contractions. Then that ended I didn’t think much of it. Again the tech had trouble seeing the baby and asked to do a transvaginal. Again I was concerned being that I should have been around 10 weeks! But since everything was fine the first time I tried to stay calm. After a minute or 2 she asked me to sit up. I knew exactly what she was going to say. There was no heart beat! Our baby had died. We met with a doctor a few minutes later and she discussed our options. We opted for a D&E because it was so close to Christmas and I wanted it to be over so I could enjoy Christmas. The procedure was not bad and I only had pain for a few days and then I was fine. The bleeding stopped after 2 weeks. I am not awaiting my periods to begin so we can begin trying again soon. We named our baby Jaidon. It means God hears. We will plant a tree in the spring. I know someday God will once again bless us with another child. I will never forget Jaidon though.

My husband and I were planning to start trying for our first baby on our Christmas holiday in the mountains.

A week into the holiday I realised that my period is 2 weeks late and my breast are very tender. We went to the shops and bought a test which was positive. We were so excited as I got pregnant earlier that we planned.

The next day we went to the local doctor for a blood test and later that day he phoned me and said it is positive. It was the 18th of December that we found out and I was already 5.5 weeks pregnant. We decided to go home earlier but home was 1500km away and we planned to travel over 2 to 3 days. On the 20th we left our holiday destination and started on the long journey home. The first night we stayed at a bed and breakfast. I started to feel mild cramping on the right side of my pelvis and towards my lower back. I also started to feel cold.

I decided to take a warm relaxing bath and I took some vitamin C. My husband gave me a back massage and I felt much better. The next morning I woke up and I just started crying for no reason. I phoned my mother and told her I am pregnant over the phone. She told me to stay there for one more night until I feel better and up for the ride. After I spoke to her I felt better and we decided to leave.

About 70 km into the rural part of Africa (transkei), the pain started again. Luckily we saw a little village and I asked my husband to stop there so I could stretch my legs and go to the toilet. in the toilet I just saw blood. I got such a fright and I phoned my mother right away. She told me to keep my legs up and drive back to the little town where we stayed and go to the local doctor immediately.

The doctor send me to a little private hospital (we have medical aid) and they were very helpful. They did an ultra sound and saw nothing in my uterus but they saw a lot of fluid at my right fallopian tube. The doctor who did the ultra sound send me to the gyn and he said it looks like a tubal pregnancy and I am bleeding internally. (that is why I have the fluid). He said he will have to do a Laporoscopy immediately. The cramping just got worse and worse and they booked me into the hospital.

I had breakfast in the morning so we had to wait until 6 hours after that before they could give me the general anesthetic. I was lying in the fetal position and they gave me an injection for the pain. After 10 minutes the pain got better. At 14:00 in the afternoon they came to take me for the surgery. The doctor told me that I will probably loose my right tube but he will do anything he can to save it. I prayed and prayed and prayed. He was such a good and friendly doctor and he held my hand until I fell asleep.

When I woke up for the first time I can remember, it was already 19:00. My husband was sitting beside my bed and he told me that I still had my tube and ovaries and that the doctor said he has never seen anything like it before. The fluid wasn’t blood but it was some sort of milky fluid and nothing raptured. Everything looked 100% and he drained the fluid and send it in for tests. He said it looked like some kind of inflammation or a cyst but he can only really tell me what it was in 10 days after he recieved the test results.

The doctot said I could go home as soon as I feel wide awake and as soon as I went to the toilet. As I stood up, the blood gushed out of me and the whole bed was also full of blood. They phoned the doctor and he prescribed me pills to stop the bleeding and told the staff that I should stay in the hospital until the morning. My blood pressure dropped and after they cleaned my bed, I went back to sleep.

The next morning I felt much better. My husband came to pick me up and we stayed in Port Edward for 2 more days. On the 24th of December we started the long journey home. We arrived on the 25th of December and had Christmas with my parents. I was on very strong antibiotics that made me very sick and I lost a lot of weight (Not that I can afford it).

My follow up appointment at my own gyn was on the 4th of January. He received all the test results from the gyn that did the operation. The results were very good. Everything is normal, it wasn’t a tubal pregnancy, it was a normal miscarriage. The fluid was a huge cyst that he removed. My gyn took blood tests to test for the pregnancy hormones and he did an ultra sound. Everything looked normal and the blood tests were 1. So no more pregnancy hormones. He told me that we could start trying right away but it is best to wait until my normal cycle start.

I still feel sad sometimes and I think about the baby I lost every day. I am just so grateful that it wasn’t a tubal pregnancy and that we get to have another chance.

I am 17 and found out that i was pregnant. I would not tell my mom for the life of me. I went to planned parenthood and they told me that i could go to the courthouse and fill out a paper and talk to a judge and most likely he would grant me permission to have an abortion without my mother knowing. I did all of that and he granted me permission because i made up some horrible story about my boyfriend being in jail and how my mom would kick me out of the house. I had the abortion scheduled 3 days from the day i started bleeding. I got scared and i thought i was having a miscariage. I had really bad cramps to. It was my first trimester miscarriage and since i could not let my mom know i was going to have it natural. I spent hours online and this site was the one i always came back to. I went to every sight trying to find out if it was safe to have a natural miscariage and what would happen in the process of it. Well i had a miscariage and although i am unbelievably sad. I think it was gods way of not making me commit a sin of abortion, but letting me know that i am not ready to have a child.

I am glad to see these postings here. You can find lots of information about the psychological aftermath of a miscarriage, but very little information about what to expect of the process itself. I have had two first trimester miscarriages, and felt like there was very little practical information or support available from the medical community or anywhere else. They pretty much just tell you to go home, wait it out, expect some cramping, and call if you’re bleeding profusely. They should say WHEN your’re bleeding profusely. They don’t tell you it’s going to be like childbirth in miniature, complete with contractions, broken water, and yes, a whole lot of bleeding. It’s so hard to tell whether you should just stay home and possibly pass out from blood loss in your bathroom or go to the ER and quite possibly have the miscarriage in a waiting room chair. After my second miscarriage, a friend of mine was told she was starting a miscarriage herself, and called to ask what it would be like. I told her that mine were worse than they had warned me of, but that maybe they were unusual, because you never hear of this stuff in the baby books and web pages. But sure enough, a few days later she went through the exact same process. She was scared, but grateful to have known ahead of time that what she was going through was what was supposed to happen. So anyway, y’all keep talking about it – you could help somebody when they really need it.

February 8, 2008

I have two beautiful boys, ages 3 and 1 and have been very, very blessed. My husband and I decided that we would not try for a third, seeing that the odds of having the girl I hoped for were slim, and the physical, mental and financial strain of more children would be a bit much for us.

My story of loss began on the 29th of Jan when I believed I was getting my period, right on schedule. Things progressed normally until Feb 1st when I began bleeding heavily. After a call to my OB and discussing the possibility of pregnancy (which my husband and I believed to be nil) my OB advised me to begin taking Aleve and BCP’s as well as bed rest to alleviate the heavy period I was experiencing. I also scheduled an appointment for the 11th of Feb to have everything checked out. To make a very long story short, the bleeding and passing of large clots continued off and on for several days. I continued to stay in contact with my OB and follow their advice, to stay in bed and keep my appointment on the 11th. On Wed, the 6th, after beginning to bleed and pass clots again, I passed out on the way back to bed from the toilet. My husband and I went to the ER where blood tests and ultrasound confirmed that I was indeed pregnant and was experiencing a miscarriage. I was transferred up to med/surg and awaited my turn in the OR for a D&C. While waiting, I passed several more large clots, which made for a very simple procedure, as I had actually passed most everything naturally while waiting for the OR.

My feelings are incredibly mixed. I did not know I was pregnant until I was no longer…I’m sure I haven’t really had time to feel anything yet. The hardest thing for me was we are still not planning on having any more children. This pregnancy, which was indeed unplanned, would most certainly have been welcomed with as much love as my two boys receive on a daily basis. We are not planning to try again…so I am not sure where to go from here to heal…will I always feel as if I have been cheated. I was given a gift for only minutes…and the experience leading up to the news was less than enjoyable. I know there is no way to change the past, but without trying again, is there anyway to improve the future???

I never thought that I would ever write on a site like this. Currently, I have 2 children with pretty much normal pregnancies. I spotted a little with the first but found out it was implantation bleeding. However, my pregnancy this year was totally different. When I found out that I was pregnant (March 15) I was excited. I couldn’t wait to post the information on MySpace and break the news to the whole world. So I did. I was alarmed that my body lacked symptoms of being pregnant. I did have a little tenderness in my breast but no nausea. With my first 2 pregnancies I was nausea with the first child and had vomiting episodes with my second child. However, I tried to remain optimistic. I constantly tried to remind myself that every pregnancy was different. It was hard for me because I read that women who didn’t experience nausea were most likely to miscarry than those who do. I just blew it off and hoped that I would be one of the small % of women who don’t experience morning sickness.
Unfortunately on April 3, I started to spot after being with my husband. I didn’t think much of it because I wanted to believe that it was implantation bleeding. I wasn’t alarmed until days later when I noticed that I was bleeding a slow constant flow. By Wed April 9, the flow was like a heavy period. I went to the hospital and was told that my cervix was closed and I should be ok. However the bleeding continued. When I went to my Ob doc the next day, he told me that I had a 50/50 chance of having a mc. I could tell by the look on his face that he probably believed it to be more of a 90/10. A few hours after going home I mc’d……………….. It is Monday 4/14 and mentally I am in so much pain. I know that it is a possibility that something was wrong with the embryo that caused the mc but it still hurts. My pain is making me want to try again to conceive immediately. But deep in my heart, I know it won’t replace the one that I lost. I also know that my next pregnancy will be clouded with the fears. I honestly don’t know what to do. All I want to do is cry right now……………….

Kelli

I found out I was pregnant in April after six months of trying. I was so excited, and my husband was too after the initial shock wore off. I told my family right away, and they were also excited (this was the first grandchild for my parents). I was pretty nervous about miscarriage all along, so my OB gave me an ultrasound at my intro appointment (almost 5.5 weeks). All we could see was the gestational sac, which made me more nervous although they said it was normal.

I came back in two weeks for another ultrasound. My OB was great about wanting to reassure me. At that point we saw the baby and even heard and saw the heartbeat. This made me feel sooo much better after reading how much the risk of m/c decreases after hearing the heartbeat. They told me I was ten days behind what I thought, which made me suspicious (I’m like clockwork), but I figured they knew best.

I had my first midwife appointment scheduled for 10 weeks (or 8.5 weeks on the new schedule). The midwife was so nice and we had a great appointment. We had to come back for an u/s later that day. I knew something was wrong as soon as I saw the image on the screen. It was completely still, and I immediately knew it was gone. The tech didn’t say anything the whole time, and my husband just thought she was rude. She pulled the heartbeat image up for just a second and it showed nothing. She gave us pictures and sent us to the midwife’s office, my husband still thinking all was well, and me thinking I was just being negative.

The midwife walked in and said, “This is not good.” She told us the baby died probably a few days before and I’d had a “missed miscarriage.” She was very kind and understanding. She said I didn’t have to decide what to do then, so I said I wanted to wait a week and see what happened. By some miracle I didn’t cry; I barely held it in and just said “uh huh, okay” to everything she said. I did cry later that night, but for most of the day my husband and I were just stunned. I felt angry at the baby mostly, and for a few minutes I was angry at God for having let me get so excited. Then I just prayed for Him to get it out of me. I was obviously a wreck that night!

That night I had a dream that I miscarried naturally and it was horrible. I decided during the dream to have a D&C, and I woke up feeling almost completely better. I called the OB office to tell them my decision and they scheduled it for me for four days later. I felt almost back to normal that day, and by the next day I wasn’t even sad, just slightly disappointed but ready to get it over with. I was really disturbed every time I thought about the dead baby inside me. My parents came to visit for a night and we had a really good time despite the reason for the visit.

Two days before the D&C I started spotting. It was very, very slight and brown. The OB said on the phone that it was normal and to continue with the plan. I began to have lower back pain off and on, but nothing serious. I also noticed that my pregnancy symptoms had decreased in the few days before discovering the miscarriage, but I had attributed them to other things or hadn’t noticed it.

I had my D&C today and it went great. The worst part by far was the IV because I hate needles. The staff were incredibly kind and patient with me and my stressed husband. When I was finally being taken to the OR, one minute I was awake, and the next minute I was waking up in recovery. The procedure was very short and I felt great afterward. I am bleeding but not much so far. I feel so relieved and happy to finally have this over with. I feel like myself again, and I feel so grateful that this happened the way that it did. I had a long weekend to deal with the miscarriage and surgery, I got to see my family, and I didn’t have to live through panic and pain like I would if we hadn’t discovered it through the u/s.

On a last note, I think people have been worried because I’m not devastated and crying about this. I think part of it is that all along I somehow knew this was coming (especially when they said I was ten days behind). I honestly thought miscarriage would be horrible, but I just see it as a momentary failure with many chances for success ahead. I think making a plan to get this over with as quickly and painlessly as possible helped me. If, God forbid, this happens to you, don’t be afraid of the D&C. I was at first, but for me it was definitely the least traumatic way to deal with my miscarriage. Also, don’t feel weird if you are less upset than you or others expect. There are others of us out here!

I found out I was pregnant in April after trying for just three months. I was so excited and shocked that it happened so quickly. I told my husband that night and he was thrilled. I was completely naive and didn’t even think about miscarriage. I am very healthy and my mother never had a miscarriage, so I reasoned with myself that there was no way I was going to have one.
I made an appointment with my OB for 10 weeks into the pregnancy. At seven and a half weeks, I noticed spotting. I called the doctor and they said it was normal and to only call back if it turned bright red, like a period. Two days later it did. I went into the doctor for an ultrasound, but nothing showed up on the screen. The midwife told me the baby had likely died earlier on in the pregnancy. She ordered me to have my hcG levels taken so they could track them down to zero.
The first day that I went to have my levels taken, I was surrounded by very pregnant women and infants. It was all I could do to not break down crying. The following weeks I felt emotionally stronger, but the first week was so tough. I felt hopeless, and also upset that my husband was hurting too. Knowing that it wasn’t just my pain, but also that of the person I love most in the world was difficult.
To make things harder, I had to tell people who didn’t know I was pregnant that I had miscarried. I didn’t tell my parents, but they were visiting the weekend that I began to miscarry. I knew I couldn’t keep a brave face and told them. My husband told his family. Everyone was supportive but the last thing I wanted to hear was people telling me how sorry they were.
In one instance, I was out with a friend and she told me she had just gotten off the pill and that she and her husband were going to start trying to get pregnant. I then told her I had miscarried, and she got mad at me for not telling her I was pregnant in the first place. I thought that was such a selfish response. Also, I wish she hadn’t told me that she was off the pill at all. I can see myself getting jealous if she gets pregnant before I do again, and I don’t like that I will feel that way.
I just got my period a couple of days ago. It was a reminder of losing my baby. But, it’s also a reminder that I can start trying again soon.

My story begins with my first pregnancy. My husband and I were thrilled to find out we were pregnant with our first child in May 2002. The pregnancy was going well until I spotted slightly. After panicking and running to a walk-in clinic. I was told early bleeding is very common and not too worry. Hubby and I were satisfied with this response. We continued planning this pregnancy with the purchase of a new crib. Two days later came the ultrasound. I was quickly informed that my husband was not allowed to enter the room. At this point, I was 13 weeks pregnant. It turned out I had a molar pregnancy which devastated me. Not only was my health in danger, but I also had to wait a complete year before attempting to conceive again. A D&C was performed and I had no health problems afterwards. It was a very long year of crying and depression. Very difficult on a couple who just got married.

We were thrilled to find out we were pregnant again with our son who was born in 2006. What a joy!

Pregnancy number three was confirmed in May 2008…on Mother’s Day…how perfect! Thinking nothing could go wrong, our news was announced to everyone. Had lots of symptoms, especially nausea in the evening. At 10 weeks started the dark brown spotting, sometimes a watery pink. Rushed to the ER where an u/s was performed. A fetus was detected in the uterus with a strong fetal hearbeat. Thank God! The spotting had stopped immediately just to start again two weeks later.

Another u/s was performed and I knew it was not going to be good news. They used a transvaginal ultrasound, which was not needed before. The technician said nothing and told me to follow up with my doctor. It has been 5 days and no results yet. However, I started to bleed bright red with lots for cramps. Friday night, I woke up with terrible cramps and passed several large clots and a lot of blood. The cramping then subsided. I was sure the miscarriage was done. Saturday night came terrible cramps, which can only be described as labor. They started at 10 pm and by 3 AM, I felt the urge to push. I went to the washroom and a clot the size of a baseball came out of me. The pain was finally over; the physical pain that is. Thank goodness for sites like these. I was able to read up about miscarriages therefore preparing me for what was to come. I will be seeing my OB in the next few days. In the meantime, the bleeding is similar to a period and no more cramping. Maybe we will try again…time will tell.

I am Rh neg blood type. Who would have ever thought that we could write about our “nightmares”. I am someone who has been unwell for more than five years constant illnesses like bartolini, ovarian cyst, polyps in uterus.
I had Laparascopy june 2007, hysterescopy procedure removal uterus polyps on 16 March 2008. Shortly after procedure I had a small bleeding but it stopped.
On 14 April 2008 as I can remember I had a period but for 2,3 days.i m not sure
In may june 2008 i had no period.
on 14 june i did 2 pregn test turned positive
and 2 blood tests in which i had hcg 46000 and on 30 june 2008 36000.
2 Ultrasound results showed empty sac.
At 7 weeks and 2 days
one more U/s was done on 30 june same results.
On 30 june 2008 at 1.45 I had an appointment with Gyn for reg. check up and during waiting in the hospital i began having cramps and small bleeding started. Day before i had a cramps in my breast and little brown spotting and little pain.
During examination on 30/june 2008 doctor said that it is M/C less than 8 weeks into pregnancy and D/C must be done and everything in uterus must go outside and must be clean
They moved me into ER in Sandrigham hospital Melbourne Australia where I was under great and good care of doctors Cassidi and Neta and they told me that I could have two choices
conservative management to go home and to wait for natural complete M/c or
to do D/c that night at 9p.m.
They told me to come back to the ER if I continue having heavy bleeding for more than 2 3 days. So I went home and on MONDAY 30 June night, 1/07/2008 as I was sleeping I could feel cramps in small rituals and they were coming regularly with heavy bleeding. I Was cold too. I wrap my self into warm blanket and spend that night in horror. The bleeding made me to wake up every one hour to change and by the early morning i had 4 aspirins for pain. Next morning I woke up with less pain and smaller bleeding I was fine from 9 till 12 pm tuesday 1 july 08. Around 1 p.m. small thing like blood cloth around 1 cm came out of me when i went to toilet.
I did not throw this thing in garbage I put it in a plastic bag and into a freezer and later on i will plant a tree as that thing is a dead embryo.
Later the same day around 4 p.m.i had a shivering, cramps very heavy cramps and pain and almost could not stand to go to toilet i somehow managed to go to toilet. I had emptied everything i had before all food.
I had a cold fever, almost cold sweating and was thinking i need to go to ER again.
My parents had a nightmare dream that i am in pain and they call me and they yell at me you need to go to hospital. You CAN DIE…
Dobry my partner with whom i could not stay pregnant for more than 24 months due to previous ovarian cyts and polyps which were removed, and is so anxious to have family, drove me to Sunshine hospital at 7 pm 1 july 2008.
In Hospital they examined me and they found a not so large sac around 4 5 cm and got that thing from cervix. So in the less 24 hours i had expelled everything naturally and they send me home at 1 a.m and gave me referral for new U/S TO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS COMPLETED
complete M/c if it is not than i will need d/c.
wedn. 2 july until 12 july 2008 i have’t had any heavy bleeding few drops and i started eating and feeling my self again.
During previous two three months i felt tired, so sleepy, have throw out few times in the morning and at night and was very very exhausted.
Gain weight too.
today 12 july 2008 i had a follow up U/s and on tuesday i am going for results.
on the u/s they saw only small bood clots hopefuly will go..
Did i stay pregnant too early after hysterescopy which was uterus polyps removal in march 2008?
As i did not have periods 2 3 months..
Three months after hysterescopy i had a complete M/c .
this is my first pregnancy.
Now i will try exercise and healty eating even though in previous 3 months after hysterescopy i was resting most of the time. So that means if pregnancy is wrong M/c is natural way of cleaning something that is not natural and good.
hopefully things will be better soon.
keep trying and hoping i will never get this illness as less than 35 y.o.

I cannot believe some of the stories I have read that offer hope for all. I am happy to hear some of the good endings. On May 5, after only two months of trying to conceive naturally, my husband and I found out I was pregnant. I am 43, he is 45. We were ecstatic to say the least. We made the mistake of telling our parents, I told some close colleagues as well. We felt it must be meant to happen. Unfortunately, by the time I went back for my second set of HCG numbers, the second number had dropped in half instead of doubling. I was told that I would miscarry but no idea exactly when. So, I waited. I had no idea what to expect. I waited for three days. On 5/10, I felt intense pressure, and period type cramps. Then, the bleeding began with intense cramps and the passing of tissue for most of the evening and throughout the next few days. I was four weeks, 6 days. I mc naturally. I was amazed at the physical progress; however, my mental progress was much slower. I grieved and planted a rose bush for my lost angel. This was my first pregnancy. It was very difficult. I have waited 2 cycles and plan on trying again this month.

I have 2 healthy, beautiful boys and had no problems during those pregnancies. My husband and I decided that we wanted a third and last one.
In 2007 I easily became pregnant and we were ecstatic. During our first ultrasound at 6 weeks the technician could not find a heartbeat but I was not worried at all and just thought it was too early. Over the next week my midwife monitored my hCG levels which were not increasing as much as they should. Waiting for the third and final hCG test which (I understood) would define if the baby had died or not was excruciating. I was told the results would be back the next morning and waited all day, not able to eat or function properly, not knowing if the baby inside me was dead or alive. Finally by 3pm worried that the office would close and I would have to wait all weekend before hearing anything I called and asked if someone from the office could please call me to give me the results. I got a phone call from the midwife who had ordered the tests complaining to me that she had to be calling me on her day off and gave me absolutley no sympathy!! She coldly told me the levels had not increased signigicantly but it didn’t mean anything and I had to have an ultrasound in 3 days time to tell anything. Her unprofessionalism and lack of human kindness still makes me angry today! I think a lot of medical people don’t consider what is inside you during the first trimester as a baby, but I definitely did, I had made plans, I talked to my baby, it was a part of my family already.

I ultimately had an ultrasound at about 8-9 weeks that showed that the fetus had not grown and there was still a lack of heartbeat …my baby had died at 6-7 weeks.

I was told I could go in for a D&C or wait it out naturally. I have always prefered to take the natural way as I believe the body is amazingly designed to deal with a multitude of things by itself. When asked what to expect I was told “a regular period, maybe heavier with mild cramps, and to take double the doze of Tylenol. So I waited it out…for 3 weeks. Again excruciating weeks knowing there was a dead baby inside me, and not knowing when everything would come out. I started to get mild bleeding one morning, which turned into very heavy bleeding by the evening (going through a pad every 1/2 hour) with palm size clots and cramps. I staying in touch with my midwife through out (a different one who was much better) and went to bed. By 1am I was so scared by the amount of blood and the pain; this was equivalent or worse than labor (not period cramps) lasting one minute every one minute. I had taken the Tylenol and in fact had miss-read the dosage and taken 4 times the recommended amount by accident but this made absolutely no difference to the pain. (I’m not a wimp either, my second son was born with no pain medication). I ended up going to the ER who gave me pain medication and on examining me told me I wasn’t even dilated and had not passed any of the fetal tissue. They wanted to send me home but I refused not wanting to end up in the same situation, so waited there all night for my doctor who gave me a D&C in the morning. This was a terrible experience that made it so much worse by the attitude of the one midwife and the lack of information given on what to expect!

Well my story continues; after waiting 5 months to emotional and physically heal I got pregnant again. Again though there was no heartbeat and my hCG levels did not increase as they should have. Again my baby died at about 6-7 weeks. This time though I opted for a D&C. I was able to plan child care for my 2 other children rather than running to the ER in the middle of the night and I started recovery without a night of trauma to deal with on top. I also opted for what they called a “sleeping sedative” rather than full anesthetic. I was not really awake and could not remember anything, and was not sick afterwards as i was with the anesthetic.

I became pregnant a third time, this time at 6-7 weeks we heard a strong heatbeat! Hurrah! We celebrated! But it was not to be, and a week later the heartbeat and my baby were gone. Another D&C, and finally a referal to a specialist. After several tests nothing was found wrong with me or my husband, or the fetal tissue we had to really push doctors to test.

We had to really think about what we wanted to do next….but under the care of the specialist and on monitored progesterone use (as a precaution) I am now pregnant again. I have had my hCG levels taken twice and yesterday I got a phone call that they are not good. I think now I have just given up any hope because holding on to even a tiny amount is too difficult to bear. We promised ourselves that this was our last chance to try.

I have to keep reminding myself that I already have my 2 healthy boys and I am lucky to have them, and for whatever reason that was all I was meant to have. I do keep having nightmares though that I loose one or both of them in a terrible accident. I am now very aware of the fragility of life.

The hardest thing of all is just not knowing why I have lost 4 babies in a row, there are just no explanations even though every one has happened almost the same way and I believe the statistics for this is only 1% . Basicly I have been told that I am too old! (I turned 40 this year).

I’m telling my story hoping to help anyone else in the same situation. I felt very alone and “unique” until I found this website. This is the only website where I have found information to questions I have asked over and over again but did not get satisfactory answers to, so thank you and thank you to the others who shared their stories, i don’t know why but it has helped me. I wish all of you luck, and happiness with the blessing you already have in your life.

I just learned yesterday that may baby has died. It would be 7 weeksold tomorrow. My husband and I were trying to have a baby for a year, and finally I got pregnant. I was so excited to see the test being positive. I told my husband that he is going to be a daddy, and he was on top of the world. Then at 4 weeks I started getting really bad cramps, and I waited a week and decided to go in for an ultra sound. The doctor did an ulra sound right away, and my husband and I saw our first babies heartbeats. The doctor said everything looked fine. Three days later I still had cramps and when I was getting ready to go to bed pink waters started to run down my feet, and then the bleading started. I called an emergency line, they told me if the bleading does not stop in three hours to go to ER. Well the bleading stopped. In the morning I went in for another ultra sound. The baby was still alive. His heart still beating. And then five days later I had really bad cramps again that I could not walk. I layed in bed all day. The the next three days there wasn’t any cramping, I was very surprized. So, yesterday Oct, 7th 2008 I went for my weekly ultrasound and foundout that the baby didn’t have a heart beat. I felt like the time has stopped for me. I got so attached to that little person. And he is no longer alive?????? But, the Lord has comforted me. He’s given this precius little guy to me and He’s taken it. I feel though lucky to be a parent for 7 weeks. My husband and I grieve together. And, my family is there for me. But even with their support, it is very hard. I trust the Lord, that this was for the best, even if I don’t uderstand all of it. If you are going through a pregnancy loss don’t go on alone. It is 100 times harded to bear. Share your grief with family or close friends. And talk to God about it He understands better than anyone at what you are going through right now.

I found out that I was pregnant, much to my surprise in September. I had been on the pill and the pregnancy was not planned. Nonetheless, we were excited after the initial shock wore off. I found out very early in my pregnancy, about four weeks along. About a week after I found out, I started spotting brown blood and my doctor had me come in for an ultrasound and blood tests to make sure everything was okay. All was normal and I was told that this was not common, but normal, just old blood. This continued on and off for about a month and they kept having me come in for ultrasounds. I went in for a five week ultrasound and saw the yolk sac and then for a six week ultrasound, at which time I saw the heartbeat. There are three things that I will never forget as long as I live. First, when I found out I was pregnant, second, seeing that heartbeat, and third, when I found out that that heart has taken its last beat inside of my body. When I saw the heartbeat, I felt so much better because of the spotting, just getting to that point was so reassuring to me. My doctor had me come back in two weeks for a two month ultrasound and I asked the technician to show my husband the heartbeat and I could tell something was wrong as soon as I saw the look on her face. She said the fetus had not grown and that there was no heartbeat. That was the moment that I felt like all of myself escaped my body. I was so shocked, I couldn’t even cry. I got up and got dressed while we waited for the doctor to come in and then the tears came as I put my first pair of maternity pants on that I had just bought the day before back on. The doctor came in and tried to shake my hand and I couldn’t, I was not even able to look him in the face. It took two weeks before I could even make eye contact with anyone, including my husband. He went through the it’s not my fault, nothing could have stopped it, but nothing helped. He gave me the option to let nature run its course and the baby leave my body on its own or to have a dnc. We were told to go home and think about it and we did, but my mind was made up, I had to have the surgery. I could not bear the thought of my child inside of me no longer living. So we went to the hospital that night and I had to be sedated before I even went into the operating room. My husband tried talking to me and he said looking at me he could tell there was no one home. I was completely blank. So we came home early the next morning and as the day progressed, I kept having complications and pain and went back to my doctor only to find out that the fetus had not been entirely removed and that I would have to have another dnc. So I had another one that day. I cannot express how empty I feel now. I feel like the life was taken right out of me when they took my baby out of me.

I went back to work in a week and that was the best thing I could have done. I had an ultrasound pic on my desk that I had my secretary remove and I took the ones at home down as well. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do with them so I just waited. Then about two weeks later I got up the courage to ask for the one back at work and took it home and put it with the others. It was three weeks ago this past Friday, yet it hurts like it did the day I found out. I have cried more than I thought I could, hoped that it was a bad dream, and tried all I can to be happy. I even wrote my baby a letter telling him or her all the feelings I was experiencing and how sorry I was that I could not make a good home for him or her. I put this letter with all of its pics.

Some days are better than others, today seems unbearable. I just want to go home and have my husband hold me, which he has done a lot of lately. He has been very understanding of me wanting to do nothing other than read, watch tv, be depressed, or cry my eyes out. I feel bad for being this way around him because I know that he cannot understand how bad I feel. But I do know that he is dealing with the same loss I am and try to keep that in mind.

I have to go back to the doctor next week for a checkup since I had two dnc’s to make sure that all is okay. I know this is silly but I am going to ask my doctor if my baby suffered. That has been on my mind a lot and I think knowing that it didn’t may help me to deal with this better.

For all of you that have went through this, my heart sincerely goes out to you. Thanks for listening to me and I hope that anyone out there can impart some wisdom to me on how to deal with this.

I started trying to conceive two years ago. It took my husband and I three months. I was on top of the world when I found out I was pregnant. I told everyone right away. My sister in law warned me not to do it, but I was too excited to keep the news a secret. Week 7 of my pregnancy is when things turned for the worst. I, like others started out with brown spotting, which then turned red and got really heavy. I also went through having major contractions and passing tissue. After I had a few doctor appointments and found out I miscarried I was determined to try again. It didn’t take long before I found out I was pregnant again, this time it was shorter than the first time with me miscarrying at 5 weeks. Once again, I was determined to try again thinking the third time would be a charm. Well, my third pregnancy lasted 9 weeks. I indeed miscarried again. I had a few tests done to find out that I am border line for an anticardiolipen antibodies disorder (a blood clotting disorder). I needed to be put on a blood thinner. I got pregnant again and thought that with this diagnosis, I would be ok. Well, being positive didn’t work so well, I miscarried a 4th time. I was completely devistated and couldn’t believe that this was happening to me again. I had more testing done by a reproductive endocrinologist only to find out I was back to square 1. She detected the same thing as my OB GYN, but instead of testing borderline, I tested positive. I was pregnant 4 times in a year and a half. I put my body through quite a lot. Now it is a year later since my last pregnancy. I have been trying for over 10 months and now I am having trouble conceiving, which used to never be a problem. I am having a difficult time watching friends and family members have normal healthy pregnancies and then go on to having thier babies without any problems. It is also very difficult around the holidays to deal with this pain, but I won’t give up hope.

I have one son, Jeremiah, who was born in Mar 2006. He is my world. And my husband and I had no problems with his pregnancy until 29 weeks. I started to have cramping here and there. I didn’t think anything of it and given it was my first pregnancy, I chalked it up to just standard physical things you go through when you are preg. Well long story short my cramps were actually my body in labor. My son tried to be born, however, with the help of bed rest some meds we were able to hold off until 32 weeks. He was born at 32 weeks and healthy considering the circumstance. It was a scary beginning for his life but we survived. There was never any medical reason found for why I went into pre-term labor.

After my first pregnancy being scary, my husband and I finally felt comfortable trying again in late 2007. We became preg almost immediately in Dec 07. I started to have bleeding and cramping around 6 weeks. After being blown off by my doctors office telling me that some bleeding and cramping is normal. I pushed for an u/s, but they refused and said hcg blood work would tell them what we needed to know. The initial test was low but not concerning…..so I waiting another two days to be tested again, and the hcg work came back reduced. They told me I was having a natural miscarriage. I continued to have to go in until my hcg came back around zero. It was an awful experience….the waiting….the unknown…..the insensitivity because “this happens all the time”. I knew in my heart I lost a little boy that Jan 08, and we named our angel boy Michael Kenneth. We will never forget him.

After a rough start in 2008 and a lot of stress, emotion, and pain for us both, we found out we were preg again in July 2008. This was not planned for us but we were thrilled. Since we learned that miscarriage is very common and often for no cause, we both felt positive about this pregnancy. I was a little nervous though and set milestones for myself. I figured if I could make it past 6 wks (when I lost Michael), that was a good milestone. Well 6 wks came and went….and so did 8 wks….and 10 wks. I was feeling good, had symptoms and just kept praying. I had an u/s at 11 weeks just to put my mind at ease given my previous loss. I didn’t feel nervous until the day of my u/s. I started to question that something was wrong…..suddenly I didn’t feel preg and then noticed things like my breast tenderness and size had changed. Regardless I tried to stay optimistic. Well I found out at my u/s that the baby had stopped growing around 7 wks. Given I should have been 11 weeks, my doc recommended a D&C. The procedure itself was very simple and painless, but the emotional aspect of it, was horrible. The idea that my baby (even though I know she was gone) was being taken out of me just felt awful. My doctor tested the tissue to determine the cause and they did find that it was an extra chromosome. I was assured that this was one of the most common causes of miscarriage and nothing I could control. My doc confirmed I lost a little girl that Aug 08, and we named our angel girl Megan Nichole. She shines down on us every day.

Well after two consecutive losses, my doctor said she would do some testing on me to just check for common risks likes hormone levels, blood clotting risk , and so forth. Well after fighting with my insurance company to get the testing covered and waiting for all the work and results, I still had no answers. My tests were normal. Here I was grieving at the loss of two babies and no understanding as to what happened.

Well after a few months, my husband and I agreed that we would give it one more shot. We weren’t going to “try”, but we weren’t going to “prevent” a pregnancy from happening. Well I became preg this past Dec 08. A lot sooner than I would have guessed, but again very excited and soooo terrified. This time was a different experience. As soon as I was 1 day late, I took a home test, but it was negative. I thought that was weird because I am an extremely anal-retentive person and I have NEVER been late except when preg (and I have the spreadsheet to prove it). Anyway, I stayed calm and continued to wait a few more days, continually taking a home test each day….still negative results and still no period. I called the doc and insisted on a blood test to confirm a pregnancy. I knew in my heart I was preg but also that something was wrong. The blood work confirmed I was preg but my hcg levels were so low they weren’t detectable on a home test….not a good sign considering I should have been 4 weeks. Of course that night, I started to have bleeding with clots and cramping. I knew I was miscarrying. But of course the doc wanted me to come back in 2 days to see if my hcg was going up or down….after waiting, they confirmed it had dropped down. I felt I lost a little boy this past Jan 09, but we are still waiting to name this precious angel.

So here I am, 3 miscarriages in a row, and one healthy little boy. I feel like I should just stop risking the lives of more babies and just be done. Be so thankful for the son that I have and just celebrate his life rather than risk more pain and suffering. I just don’t know. On top of all the worries I have with another early miscarriage, I have plenty of worries if I carry past the first trimester, given what I went through with my first pregnancy. And now that I fall into the “recurrent miscarriage” world, by doc is referring me to some specialists and genetic counseling. I just don’t know if I can handle more testing and waiting and still not getting answers. I know that I cannot control most of the things happening here, but I have to believe that something isn’t quite right with my body for me to have gone through all of this. Maybe I am not meant to carry anymore children.

Thanks for listening….and I will keep praying to the Lord for strength and guidance. I hope all of you can do the same.

Stacy

when i feel pregnant for the second time it didn’t feel the same as it did the first time around. i didn’t have the symptoms such as tender boobs, etc. i just felt a little tired. well when my period came late (would of only been the second since they returned, didn’t get it back until my sone turned 1) i thought i should by a hpt. well i tested and it came back negative, yet i felt as i was pregnant. i tested again the next day and same thing still negative so i thought i was just testing too early. i left it for a few days and tested again, this time i could see a very very faint line. i was confused. but my curiousity got to me and went and bought another brand of hpt that day and test in the afternoon, just as i thought the test was positive, this made me really confused!!! i did another test a few hours later and again positive. i booked to see the doctor the next day. the day of the doctors appointment i did another test to make sure and again a positive. went to the doctors and was told that the tests were accurate but no point taking blood at this stage my as well wait for couple of weeks and get a blood test the same time as u/s. well a week before my doctors appointment i started spotting only very lightly and not much at a time and it was brown in colour, thought to myself something is wrong be reassured myself when i googled on the net and found it could be implantation or breakthrough bleeding and it stoped 3 days later. i went to my appointment abd told my doctor about it she did an u/s and said she could see something but too hard to see cause i had emptied my bladder before going. i left the doctors feeling fine and i ahd another appointment booked a week later. 2 days before my appointment i spotted again but red this time, this worried me but the last time at the doctors she gave me an anti-d injection as im o-. the spotting last one spot so again i reassured myself that everything was okay. the morning of my appointment i started spotting again and was in extreme period pain, now i knew something had to be wrong. and as i expected the doc told me i was in the process of a miscarriage but my cervix was still closed. i was told to expect more bleeding and more pain the only thing is that the bleeding has slowed not increased and same goes for the pain. so now im deeply confused, just rang doctors and my normal doctor wasn;t there but the other told me its a good sign that im not in pain and that there isn’t much bleeding? but i know that it needs to come out otherwise it could end up poisoning me? now i dont know what to do, i’ve acceptted that i wasn;t meant to be this time but would feel a lot better if it was no longer inside me?
so confused now???

My story is very similar to Anna
Had one missed miscarraige at 12 weeks. Gave birth to beautiful baby girl 6years ago. since then 2 more missed miscarraiges and now I am pregnant 5 – 6weeks. High risk at aged 39years but last hope for sister/brother for my little girl. Spotting at moment every few days so not holding out much hope for this preg. All I want is to see heartbeat on scan past 12 weeks!

Well my story began jan 2005 after 2 years of trying to get pregnant I finally did my husband an I had our first dr apt an during the ultrasound the dr saw a sac but there was nothing in it so she thought that I didn’t know when was my last cycle but I knew I had been trying to get pregnant for 2 yrs anyways after 2 more wks of getting ultrasounds an running test my dr decided I could get a d&c because the baby wasn’t in the sac nor in my tubes but I decided against it because I wanted it so bad an maybe my baby could survive where ever it was but unfortunatly march 20 2006 my body finally miscarried

Here is my story. I’d dreamed of being a mother for a long time but did not want to do it until I found “the one” and got married. Time was ticking by for me though and I was worried this wouldn’t happen before my biological clock expired. Finally I got married in Sept of 2008 at 36 yo and we began trying on our honeymoon. To my surprise I got pregnant the second month of trying. Everyone had warned me that being of advanced maternal age it might take longer. Of course no one told me the miscarriage rate was higher.

I was joyful but also very nervous because I’d had a miscarriage 12 years prior with an unplanned pregnancy. I thought everything was going alright with this pregnancy in the beginning although in restrospect I had mild symptoms like constipation, smell sensitivity, racing heart, frequent urination and sore breasts. No morning sickness.

My husband and I went in for our OB GYN appointment at 7 weeks and saw the baby and heartbeat. Although I could tell the doc didn’t give me the all clear. He said the baby was “measuring small” and that I’d either gotten the conception date wrong or the baby wasn’t growing right. Furthermore the doc said “I still have to tell you what I tell all of my patients, there is a 20% chance of miscarriage”. Doc wanted us to come back in two weeks. I was very confused because everything I’d read said that once you see the heartbeat the miscarriage rate drops significantly to 1-5%.

1.5 weeks later I began having cramps while at work that after a couple hours took on the characteristics of patterned and intensifying contractions. I remember going to the grocery store and thinking no one in their right mind would be doing this right now, they’d be home. But I didn’t want to believe it was happening, AGAIN! When I got home I told my husband about my concern through tears (who by some miracle was home at the time) and went to the bathroom and found alittle blood. I was panicked and my husband had me lay down and not move as he took my temperature and called the advice nurse. She scheduled an appointment with my OB GYN for the next day and said to go to the ER if I filled one pad per hour. Well I never filled a pad (had recently come off birth control and always had light periods) but the pain became upbearable and the bleeding worsened throughout the night. At 2am I woke up my husband and said I can’t stand the pain anymore we had to go to the ER. I had to wait for about an hour in the ER and was shifting around constantly to try to lessen the pain by positioning myself just so. I couldn’t even process what was happening entirely. My only focus was to make the pain stop.

When roomed, the doc did an ultrasound and said she saw a lot of clotting and that I was more than likely miscarrying. She saw the baby but said there was no heartbeat. My husband had the strength to look but I did not. My bloodwork indicated high hormones still but I could tell something was wrong because I didnt have to urinate frequently. My cervix was closed she said, so the pain should get worse when it opens and I actually pass the baby but wanted me to go home. Now back up. I’d been given intravenious Morphine for pain 4 times during that visit so far (she said it was safe) and only on the fourth time did I “catch up with the pain”. I was terrified. My husband was wonderful though because he simply said, we aren’t leaving, they can’t make us. Finally we were able to get the doc to come back in and give me a morphine shot in the behind (apparently they last longer, 4-5 hours) to go home with on top of oral Vicodin and antinausea meds.

When home I went straight to bed and slept for almost 24 hours straight only getting up to eat or drink or check in with my husband briefly. Thank God the pain was well managed with just Vicodin. I continued with bleeding and cramping and then it all stopped. My OB GYN said if it didn’t clear naturally I’d have to do a D&C which I did NOT want to do. I got up in the morning and got into the shower to get ready for my doc appt and felt myself pass something big. I panicked and tried hard to keep any of it from going down the drain and I was sobbing. I screamed for my husband who got a towel out and wrapped up the tissue. I went to my OB GYN that morning and he did another ultrasound and said most of the tissue had passed and I didn’t need a D&C. He gently and sensitively had me look to see that the baby and sac were now gone. He had us leave the bag with the towel and tissue in the room which made me very uncomfortable. See it was Christmas Eve and his nurse seemed very distracted. I was so worried that she’d leave what at the time I thought was my baby in this dark room on the floor over the holiday weekend. When the results came back turns out it was just tissue not the baby which was a relief but taking a shower was a really horrible experience for me for that next week and I’d really only shower every other day.

In summary, I would never wish this experience on my worst enemy. I am so sorry for all of you that have had to go through this. It’s hard enough emotionally without going through mini-labor. I just thank goodness that my husband and medical team were so wonderful throughout it. And frankly I also thank God for drugs.

I have known my entire life that I wanted to be a mom. Some people say they are born to dance, sing, act. I was born to be a mother. When I reached my thirties and I wasn’t even married I started to wonder if my deams would come true. Then I met my future husband Jack and at the age of 32 all of my dreams started to come true. Right away we knew we were ready to start a family but we decided to wait until after we were married. Immediately after out wedding in May of 2008 we began trying. We went for a few months with no results. I decided it would be best to go to my OB & see if he had any advice for us. I was a little concerned that if we didn’t get pregnant soon (since I was already 33) it would become increasingly more difficult as I got older. On our first visit we did not get good news. I was told I had endometriosis, which I was all to familiar with because my little sister has been struggling with it for years. My OB wanted to do laproscopic surgery ASAP. On November 19, 2008 we had the surgery and it was a success. My OB said we were all clear to try again & that if we were not pregnant in 3 months to come back. We tried & tried to get pregnant but once again no such luck. We went back to the OB in the beginning of March & we were told that he thought we needed to go to a fertility specialist. I was devestated. How could this be happening? I was meant to be a mom. But we were determined to do what we had to do so I made us an appt. for April 24, 2009. In the interim I started feeling pretty sick. I was nauseas, my breast hurt, I was cramping. I just assumed I was getting my period. But on April 3 I took a pregnancy test & after almost a year of trying it was positive. Jack & I were ecstatic. We figured we were about 6 weeks along at that point. We made an appt. immediately to see the OB. It was amazing being told by him that “yes, you are going to be a mommy”. We told the world about our joyous news. On April 24th we went in for our first ultrasound (which put us at about 9 weeks, we thought). The ultrasound showed a large gestational sac & a little tiny fetus. The nurse said the baby had a strong heartbeat but was only 6 weeks along. The Dr. said not to concern ourselves with the difference in timeframe & that he wanted to schedule another ultrasound in 4 weeks to see if he could determine then how far along we really were. Jack & I were a little confused at first but we trust our Dr. & waited patiently until we could see our little “peanut” again. In the weeks that led up to our May 19th appt. I really didn’t feel pregnant at all. I was still tired a lot, sometimes I got sick but nothing compared to earlier on. Everyone kept teling me that I was lucky to not be sick all the time. I tried not to concern myself but deep down I knew something was wrong. We went for our ultrasound filled with anticipation at seeing our baby. When the baby first came on the monitor I knew something was wrong. It looked so small. Like it had shrunk since I last saw it. The EDD on the screen was Jan. 11, 2010. That was almost a month later than what our due date was a month earlier. The nurse (bless her heart) you could tell she was nervous. Said she wanted to move us to another ultrasound machine to get a better look. It was still the same. When she said let me go get your Dr. I knew our baby was gone. My Dr. said it happens sometimes the fetus stops growing & the heartbeat stops. We scheduled an appt. at the hospital that afternoon for a D&E. The hospital staff was amazing & the surgery was painless. Now I am at home with some mild spotting & a completely broken heart. Everyone keeps telling me that this loss will get easier over time but I do not believe that is possible. How do I move on after something so traumatic? Will this emptiness in my heart every go away? How am I supposed to see other families & not be jealous of their fortune? I do know that I am thankful for my husband (the love of my life) who I know is hurting just as bad as I am. For now I guess I all I can do is hold onto the hope that maybe one day my dreams of motherhood will come true.

I’m 37 and recently had a miscarriage in my first trimester. This was my first pregnancy and I was 6 weeks along when my loss happened. It’s now been 2 months and I have still not recovered physically although emotionally, I’m great. I continue to feel very drained and have terrible bowel symptoms and lower back pain. I’m scheduled to undergo a colonoscopy in 4 weeks time to ensure there are no underlying problems such as Crohn’s or colitis. I’m wondering if others have had similar extended recovery symptoms?

13 days ago I was blissfully pregnant. I was 9 weeks pregnant at that time. My boyfriend and I had decided we wanted a baby more than anything and the first month we tried, we were successful. When I got the positive on the test we were ecstatic. We waited about a week before we told everyone. I had the honor of telling my mom on mother’s day and she was so excited. Everyone was excited! Then 13 days ago we were at a barbeque and I just didn’t feel right so we left early and went home. When I went to the bathroom I noticed that I had spotted. I was terrified but hopeful. My sister had spotted during her pregnancy and everything had gone wonderful and she gave birth to a healthy baby boy. So I didn’t worry but called the doctor’s office anyway. They assured me as well that it was normal. I was still a little worried and deep down felt that something was wrong but ignored it. Then, on Saturday, after 4 days of light spotting it started getting a lot heavier so I panicked and went straight to the ER. We were there for forever and they did an u/s. The tech wouldn’t let me see the screen, then he said he was going to do a transvaginal u/s and this worried me. But he didn’t say ANYTHING so I was left in my room just wondering. Then the doctor came in and said everything was fine and to see my doctor on monday and then left. So we went home, a little worried but feeling very reassured. On Monday I went to my doctors office and was told, “Congratulation, you’re exactly 10 weeks today.” So again I was feeling that everything was okay. When I finally met the doctor he was very serious not very friendly; got straight to business. He said it was too early to do a “regular” u/s so he did a transvaginal one as well. He let my boyfriend and I see the screen. However, I’ve never seen an ultrasound I didn’t know what to look for or if it was normal. Then after a few minutes he just said, “well, this isn’t good. Basically you’re seeing your uterus collapse on itself for a miscarriage. If you want we can do a D & C which I recommend.” I am completely new to all of this and was stunned stupid at the news so I just said ok. The next day, on my father’s birthday, the day before my 21st birthday, I had a D & C. It was quick and painless, a rip-the-bandaid-off type of procedure. I definitely recommend it if you don’t want to deal with having to pass your baby and see it and if you want to go straight into the healing process. My 21st birthday was the worst birthday of my life sadly because I laid in bed all day sore from the surgery. It hurt to sneeze; it hurt to cough; it hurt to breathe at some points; it hurt to cry, which I did all day. I’m now starting to heal emotionally and definitely planning on trying again as soon as we get the go-ahead.
Throughout this entire ordeal all me and my boyfriend got were hassles about how are you going to pay for this and that. Hopefully medical assistance will help us because the insurance company hung us out to dry. The only people were nice and caring and sensitive to what we were going through were the nurses. They held my hand, offered me kind words, were patient when I cried, gave me small gifts that made me cry harder. I love nurses! I wish all of you luck in the future. Please wish me some. We’re going to try again in about 3 months says the doctor.

I miscarried three weeks and two days ago. It was still very early, just 4 weeks and 6 days – it had been a week since I first tested positive.

We are now again trying to conceive and looking into the future positively. Still, something is different than it was before. I know this little bean was still very small and all, but still it’s this baby that we are never going to have – it can’t just be replaced by another one.

In the evening before I started bleeding, I was with my sister in law, her newborn, and her mother in law, at a beautiful little beach at a lake in the mountains. The sun was shining after a rainy day, making gentle light and playful shadows and reflections across the lake. The shallow water was clear and warm and we took off our shoes and socks and waded through to a small sandbank, where we just sat, quietly enjoying the sun and the glorious views. I found myself thinking of names for the little bean. I started considering Gwen, and suddenly I thought how beautiful it would be to have a little Gwendolyn. With a stick I meditatively wrote the name into some sand covered by clear water – although it was under water, the lake was so calm that it remained legible for a long time. As I watched the sand slowly blurring the letters, I thought about how fleeting this moment was, how nobody would ever know that I wrote this here because soon it would have disappeared for ever. But maybe some day I would tell my future daughter (if it indeed would turn out to be a girl) how one day when she was nothing more than a few cells, I wrote her name in the sand under clear water, and it was beautiful and sunny, and it didn’t blur for a long time.

Later that night, I discovered a smear of blood in my panties. I was concerned, of course. Looked it up in the interwebs and discovered that it is quite common to have spotting in pregnancy. Still, I was worried, and told my partner on the phone (I was away from home). But I didn’t let go of hope yet. Next morning, the smear had developed into a full-blown, menstruation-like bleed. I was shattered. (You know, like, when you freeze into a block of ice and then someone knocks on you with a hammer, and you break into thousands of little cold hard sharp shards …)

Sister in law took me to the local hospital, where a hormonal pregnancy test came up negative. Further investigations revealed some tissue outside of the uterus, which the gynaecologist removed. My blood group was tested, it came up rhesus negative, and I got an Anti-D shot to prevent difficulties with future pregnancies. During all this, I was in kind of a haze. It was all too fast and sudden. Just hours earlier, I had been thinking happy thoughts of names – how could everything be so brutally, definitely different now?

Two days later, I flew back home. Seeing my partner was strange. I had left shortly after discovering that we were going to have a child – and now I came home distinctly un-pregnant. I felt like a different person. Together we had to learn to deal with this new situation, had to get to know each other all over again, and had to find our way back to some sort of normality.

This was just over three weeks ago now, and I am feeling much better, and, as I said in the beginning, looking positively into the future. I will always remember this little one, my Gwendolyn, though I have told noone of this – not even my partner. I will remember that sunny beach in the mountains, the clear water and how even though she was only with us for a very short time and in an abstract sense, she shared some beauty and happiness with us.

I knew I was pregnant the first day I missed my period. It was a Monday and after class I went to get a test to confirm it. When I saw the word “pregnant” I almost passed out. I was in shock.
I’m 20 years old with an on-again off-again lover, trying to finish my schooling. I was adopted from Lima, Peru when I was 3 days old. I love and appreciate my family here, but growing up was hard. I have abandonment issues even though I can’t remember anything about my birth mother. My family is white and I’m brown. My parents are older than most of my friends’ parents. My dad already had two kids who had families of their own, when I came around. So for me, finding out I was pregnant was the most wonderful thing that could happen to me. I would finally have a family that was of my blood and looked like me. Especially after the year I had just been through; I was in a horrible car accident and fractured my hip and a week later my grandfather passed away. Being pregnant made me so happy, I didn’t want to wait nine months to see my baby boy. I knew right away that he was a boy. I could feel it in my heart.
Around 7 weeks, I started to have horrible morning sickness. They really should change the name to all-day sickness. My doctor gave me some pills to take to help it. Around week 11, I was lucky if I could keep down one meal a day. My boyfriend got sick and had a fever of 103. He stayed away from me, but I guess it wasn’t good enough because I managed to get sick a few days later.
In the middle of my 12th week, my morning sickness got worse. Wednesday I remember I couldn’t even keep water down. I was constantly in the bathroom. Around 11:30pm, I called my mom, who was visiting Italy, because I had cramps and I couldn’t sleep. The cramps got worse as I was talking to her. She told me to call the advice nurse, who told me to go to the Emergency Department. I woke my boyfriend up and he drove me. I was very nervous and in pain. The ED doctor eventually came in around 1am and said I was very dehydrated and that cramps go along with dehydration. So the nurse got me two IV bags and gave me medicine to help the nausea. When the bags were empty, I got to go home with more nausea medicine and was told to take it easy.
We managed to get home around 7am and we went straight to bed. I finally had to pee at 9:30am, after all those IV’s. I wiped and there was blood. I didn’t move for a minute, and then I wiped again to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. It was clean. So I got off the pot, called the advice nurse and she said, “Well if it gets worse you might be having a miscarriage. And if that’s the case, there’s not much we can do for you.” I’m thinking, okay well spotting can be normal but the cramps just kept getting worse.
I finally took a hot shower to try and help the cramps. As soon as I got out, I began bleeding everywhere. I ran to the toilet and I just continued to bleed. I called the nurse back and she said since I’m in so much pain that they wanted me to come in and make sure everything was okay.
It obviously wasn’t. I knew I was losing him. I was already crying in the bathroom with my boyfriend. He grabbed some pads and my purse and ushered me to the car.
It was so uncomfortable waiting for the doctor because I was bleeding everywhere, and I had to strip down and use the hospital pads which were way to thin for my blood flow. When the doctor finally examined me, he said “you are right in the middle of your miscarriage.” I couldn’t help but scream and cry. I remember crying hysterically and my boyfriend rushing to my side and grabbing my hand and seeing tears stream down his face, telling me that I’m going to be okay. For the life of me, I cannot tell you what the doctor or nurse said or did after that. I just remember looking into his eyes and him saying, “They’re going to make you better.” And I responded to that by saying, “I don’t care about me, help the baby.” And of course, there is nothing you can do after a miscarriage has started. He just held my hand and looked at me and said, “I care. I want you healthy. You’re going to be okay.”
After that, the nurse brought me pain medication and an IV. They took at least 10 vials of blood for testing. I had a D&C. After the doctor was done, I asked to see him, even though I knew he wouldn’t look like anything. My boyfriend was quick to say that there was nothing there. I know he was trying to do what was best for me, but I wanted to see what was mine. I now feel a little bit guilty that he had to see that by himself. The doctor also said my baby was twice the size it should have been at almost 13 weeks. They were also concerned I had ruptured an organ because the pain was so extreme. The pain was all over my stomach, not just my lower abdomen.
Those cramps were the worst pain I had ever felt; even more than feeling my hip bone crack. It amazes me what trauma my body has been through this past year, emotionally and physically, and I’m still kickin’.
I miss my son every day. I’m not too sure why he left me so soon. Maybe he knew my worries about a job and a place for us to live. Anyway, he let me know his presence is waiting for the right time. I know he’s out there. And I can’t wait until the day I get him back. He is with me always, waiting for the moment he feels is right for him.

As of yesterday, i was 13 weeks. this past saturday, i was so super excited, i was going for my first ultrasound. it was at a pregnancy resource center that was offering free ultrasounds to women in their first or second trimester. how could i let that opportunity pass by? i was gonna see my baby for the first time. that excitement didnt last long. a couple minutes into the ultrasound the tech turned to me to tell me that i had a blighted ovum. i couldnt comprehend. a blighted ovum? what was that? was something wrong with my baby? i had never heard of a blighted ovum before. he explained it to me and i left devistated and afraid. the tech told me i could hemmorage. i called my ob when i got home and calmed down enough to talk. she said to come in first thing monday for an ultrasound to check things out. so i spent the weekend waiting to hemmorage and crying. monday i went for the ultrasound and they did a transvag. guess what? they found my baby. i was so elated. so i really have a baby and not an empty sac. that happiness was shortlived when the tech said there was no hb. i met with the ob and discussed my options. i chose to m/c naturally and started to spot that evening. how ironic, i just found out i was gonna m/c and started spotting that evening. during the week i was bleeding heavier and was cramping alot with a lower back ache and yesterday at work i had been having stronger cramping and back pain all morning long. around 12:45 i felt a gush and went to the bathroom. as soon as i sat down, i started gushing blood and clots that were slightly bigger than what i had been passing. i couldnt get up for about 15 minutes. so against the advice of my coworker and dh (my coworker called him while i was in the bathroom) i drove myself home to rest. neither of them wanted me to drive. on the way ome i felt a few more gushes. when i got home i went directly to the bathroom and had another episode of gushing. this happened about 3 more times. the cramping was picking up and so was the back ache so i took tylenol. it did help a little. after going about an hour without any more gushing episodes i figured it was safe to go with my family trick or treating. i told my dh that if i needed to i would just sit in the van if the pain got bad. after all it was my dd first trick or treating. last year she was a newborn. the pain wasnt too bad so i decided to walk a couple blocks with the kids. thats when i started getting the pain more and the backache was coming back. nothing too bad that i couldnt deal with though. well, after walking with my dd up to a door i felt big gush and what felt like the biggest clot ever. i told dh that we needed to go home. i told him what had happened. we went home. i went up to the bathroom and was not at all prepared for what i saw. there in my underwear was the sac still intact. complete. i didnt think that it would come out like that. i thought that it would pass as clots and not be so reconizable. boy was i wrong. i have to say though. the backache is about a dull ache and i am only getting a few twinges of cramping now and then. and the bleeding is now like a moderate period.
i am glad that most of the physical part is over. and i am glad that the pain wasnt as intense as my first m/c. i ended up getting 3 units of morphine for that one.
now i can try to move on and heal emotionally. dh says that he wants to get a vasectomy because of how many losses we have had over the past few years and he doesnt want me to go through that again. i am telling him not to make any rash decisions at the moment based on how we are feeling emotionally. we’ll see…..

i am 41 and have been trying to get pregnant ever since i got married 3 1/2 years ago. my husband and i were elated to finally get pregnant after 4 failed IVFs and multiple tests and procedures. we had ultrasounds at 6, 7 and 8 weeks and all was going great – baby measuring exactly spot on and strong heartbeat. the fertility center released us to our OB’s care. we had our first checkup at 10 weeks. just the usual blood tests and informational stuff. the doc did an internal exam and felt my uterus but no ultrasound. he was very optimistic about our outcome. because of my age and all that i’d been through to get pregnant, i had been very nervous and apprehensive about getting too excited about this pregnancy. but i knew that with each passing week our chance of miscarriage was going down and i was just starting to believe that we finally would be getting the baby that we’ve so longed for. we were very excited to see our little one moving around at our 12 week ultrasound. unfortunately that never happened. it was my worst nightmare come true. when the ultrasound tech first brought up the image she was having a hard time finding the baby and i just knew it was not going to be good. she finally found it and had to zoom in to measure it. not good – it only measured about 8 weeks. and no heartbeat. i was and am completely devastated. it must have stopped growing right after our last ultrasound and i had been blissfully carrying around a dead fetus for the past 4 weeks!! i have been not pregnant for 3 weeks now and it’s still very difficult to comprehend how this could happen to us. this was our last chance.

My experience has been emotionally and spiritually challenging and devastating. I haven’t been to my office in 2 weeks. I have spent so much time in bed with grief wanting this natural miscarriage to happen as they said it would. I am now seeing a medical intuitive (who was an intensive care RN for 20 yrs). She uses a gentle and kind conversation with me to find at where I’m at. She observes my energy, she gives me a hug, she does some gentle body work on me– called the Bowen Technique (you can google it for info)– to help ground me and to help the miscarriage along.

At 7 weeks I had 3 days each with very small amount of clotting- only the 3rd day just before I passed the clot I had a sharp cramp that lasted a few seconds. Two ultrasounds later, I have had for 2 weeks now minor red bleeding off and on, and some dark clots. The first week I thought I passed the tissue of my embryo– I repeatedly stared into that clot and looked at the 2 small pieces of whitish matter (about the size of half a grain of rice). No physical pain.

I have had so many emotions and feelings– many of them absolutely crazy, some of them fearful, some times feeling ok and clear in my head again. It is not over- my doctor and my medical intuitive want me to consider a D&C. They’re concerned that I am not passing all the stuff I should be passing. Which could lead to infection or calcification.

What the doctors don’t tell you is that you can and will mourn your dead baby– even when the loss occurs in the 1st trimester. I have mourned deeply for 2 weeks– the first week I was making it to a yin yoga class each day and crying alot very painfully. I was emotionally and physically exhausted. But this past week I missed every yoga class and moved into a depression that is still with me. I started working a bit but am afraid to face my colleagues or find that I can’t reconnect with my work or anybody again. I am not even finished with this process yet. I have not experienced physical pain beyond infrequent mild cramps. I’ve had light bleeding and spotting off and on. But this is ruining my life and now may cause complications if is not passing. Wednesday’s ultrasound will show more, unless I freak on Monday and go in for the ultrasound early.

This experience is ruining my relationship with my partner– mostly because I think I have lost my mind and am so worn out from the emotions. I am so on edge with emotions up and down and everywhere. I literally can’t take crowds or public places. I can’t handle thinking or moving too fast. In the past couple of months my partner has begun snoring and it’s causing sleep problems for both of us. I can’t take it anymore. And now 2 days ago he told me he found out he has herpes and I may have been exposed. Or maybe I gave it to him- am I a carrier? Monday’s blood test results will tell. Too many problems.

Our relationship was divinely inspired– it was like we were meant to be together and make babies and to love each other eternally. He has been so supportive of me as this crappy miscarriage process has dragged on and made me into a crazy, emotional, depressed, crying person day after day.

I am 38 and have my share of relationships- I thought this was the ONE. But here I am alone and wondering. I want desperately for us to be normal again and to conquer all our challenges. Can’t we do it? I feel so defeated in so many ways.

Even though my process continues, I have been uplifted this past couple of weeks by hearing the stories of women- yoga instructors, my boss, my mother, my sister– who shared their stories with me. It has meant so much to me.

I feel like a hypocrite complaining about losing another baby when I have a healthy 9 month old. I can’t say it hurts worse than it did the first time, before I had a baby of my own, but in a way, it does. I can’t say it doesn’t make me sad to go onto my facebook page where all the ladies I am friends with online go to chat and see a comment from one of my friends about how she got her first US today and she has a heartbeat and is due in July. I should have been due in July.
I found out I was pregnant last Monday. The day before my wedding anniversary. Hubby and I were super excited and eager to have another baby. I went for an US yesterday because I had had some spotting and light cramps and didn’t know how far along I was. Down deep I knew what the tech was going to say. My first pregnancy was a miscarriage as well, and as I did then, this time I knew something was wrong. The first thing the tech said was ‘there’s no baby’. All I could do was lay there and cry quietly while she proceeded to make sure I didn’t have an ectopic. When she got up to leave and told me I could get dressed and go I couldn’t stop crying and as she left she was crying too. She had told me that maybe I got a false positive. I told her I took 4 tests.
I went into the waiting room and couldn’t quit crying. I remembered my first miscarriage and having to take that horrible walk out, head hung down in shame, walking out crying with nothing, while everyone stared and all the other pregnant ladies walked out with pics of their babies.
I went to my doctor’s office to get my blood drawn. Before the lady could even stick me I burst into tears. She told me I was shaking like a leaf and got me some water. I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want to feel the shame and sadness. I didn’t want to see the pity in everyone’s eyes. Again.
My doctor’s office called this morning to tell me it was too early to know anything, but they were wrong and already too late. I woke up to bleeding and cramps. The nurse told me she would pray for everything to turn out okay. I just said thanks, knowing nothing was going to be ok. The cramps have gotten very bad and the bleeding has increased. I just feel like a failure and feel so empty.
I hate my body for telling me something was going on and letting me think I was going to have a baby, I hate that I took a stupid test and it said positive (or rather that all 4 said positive) and I hate that I let myself get my hopes up and get so excited when I knew something was wrong.
It’s bad enough to have a miscarriage at all, but I just wish it could be over with when you find out. It shouldn’t have to hurt and hurt and hurt and last for days. I guess I should be thankful it’s happening so soon. With my first my pregnancy symptoms continued for weeks and it took over a month after I found out it was a miscarriage before my body would finally let go of it. I just wish it could be over and I could forget about it.
And on the other hand some sick part of me worries that when the pain is over that it makes it way too final.
I hate that my friend who is pregnant is talking about how she is going to tell everyone tomorrow. I hate how all day tomorrow I will be thinking that I was so excited thinking about having a 4 month old for next Thanksgiving.
I hate that I felt such contempt for that friend because she was at first thinking of getting an abortion. She talked about how hard her first pregnancy and delivery was and how she didn’t want to go thru it again. I would gladly go thru all the pain and more. I know how big of a blessing a baby is.
I hate how excited my husband was. I hate how he had already told his sisters and his co-workers and now has to deal with the embarrassment that I have been thru of telling them it’s over and hearing what they think are sympathetic words and knowing that they’re whispering about you and pitying you.
I hate that I feel like I have killed my husband’s happiness and that I have failed him. I hate thinking that when he looks at me he is thinking it’s my fault that I am losing his babies.
I hate that when I told my mom she told me it was for the best because something was wrong with the baby.
I hate that I can’t quit crying and that it feels like there’s nothing left for me to hold on to.
I hate that I can’t get my mind off of it. I hate that I had to email my husband’s sisters to tell them thanks for the congratulations but they wouldn’t be getting a niece or nephew.
I hate so much right now. But I don’t even have the strength or will to hate. It’s just a word.
I went thru 2 yrs of depression last time. 2 long, hard yrs, where nothing and no one mattered. 2 yrs of feeling like my heart was being stabbed every time I saw a pregnant woman, a baby, any baby item or even heard the word baby. 2 yrs of feeling anxious in my own skin and just wanting to be able to just stop my mind and feelings.
My husband said don’t worry, we’ll have a baby. I know he lost something too but he can’t understand. It doesn’t feel like I am ever going to get over this loss, how can I face the possibility of yet another one?
I realized last night that I was unconsciously not drinking anything because I didn’t want to have to use the bathroom because it’s a slap in the face every time I see blood and know what I’ve lost.

I found out at 12 weeks (on 11/7) that my baby no longer had a heartbeat and had stopped growing at 10 weeks. The news was very hard to hear, I was alone at my appointment, the doctor couldn’t find the heartbeat on the doppler so she brought out the ultrasound. As the machine was “warming” up I tried to keep calm. The baby appeared on the screen and my first thought was “he is bigger than the last time.” My 2nd thought came quickly and with panic, “Where is his heartbeat?” My doctor kept moving the thing around trying to look at different angles but I could see that he wasn’t moving and there was no heartbeat.

I started crying, I was so upset. This baby was very much wanted and already loved by Mommy, Daddy, brother and sister. The doctor wouldn’t let me leave the office by myself. My husband had just gotten off work and was on his way to pick up our son and daughter. I called him and told him that the baby had died.

My doctor explained that it was a missed miscarriage and I had 3 options, 1. I could wait for my body to recognize the miscarriage and let things progress naturally which could take up to 6 weeks. 2. I could take some medication to speed up the process or 3. I could have the D&C. I told her I would have to think about what I was going to do. I had asked her how the medication worked and she explained it and said that I might see some fetal tissue when I did miscarry the baby and that there would be a lot of blood. She was very kind and because she was pregnant and due any time, she said she would let the other doctors know what was going on. When my husband and children got to the office to pick me up, my 2 year old daughter came into the exam room and said “Mommy, you lost the baby?” thinking I had misplaced the baby. My husband explained that he had tried to explain it to the children. I then told them that the baby had gone to Heaven to live with Jesus and some day we might have another new baby but not right now.

After going home that night I was very heartbroken. I hugged and held onto my children tight. I have a 3 yr old son, and a 2 yr old daughter. After thinking about what I needed to do I decided that I could not emotionally or mentally handle the idea of waiting possibly 6 weeks for my body to do anything when I would be carrying around a baby that was not alive and not knowing when it would happen. I also knew I did not want the D&C, the doctor told me they would knock me out for it but then I felt my baby would not be handled in the way I thought was proper, since after the baby dies it is just considered a “product of conception” (phrase the nurse told me and that I also read online.) I knew the medication was the only way for me to go.

I called my doctor up the next day and learned that the night before she had had her baby. That was slightly upsetting, mostly because that would mean I would have to deal with another doctor. I explained that I decided to take the medication and a nurse called me back because she had to talk with one of the doctors. She called me back and explained how to use the medicine. I asked her if I would see anything, and she told me I would just see blood clots. I wanted to see the baby, I knew that he was there, I had ultrasound pictures to prove it. I felt I needed to see the baby just to prove to myself that he was there.

I started the medication at 6:30am on Saturday November 7, 2009. I took the 2nd dose at 10:30 am and by 11 am I was sitting on my couch and I felt a pop, it was such a big pop I think I might have actually heard it too. I stood up and there was a gush of blood. The nurse had said that once the bleeding started it would be really heavy for about an 1 hr and that most women will either spend that time sitting on the toilet, standing in the shower or sitting in the bathtub which could also help with the cramping. I chose the bathtub and sometime after 11:30 I delivered the baby, in my bathtub, by myself. My husband had been in the other room with the kids, we had figured the process was going to take longer and hadn’t called my mom to come get them. I called my husband into the bathroom and when he came in, I held in my hands our baby, just the size of my thumb. He looked perfect just tiny. He had tiny little fingers and toes, a tiny nose and eyes and ears. From what we could see, the baby looked like a little boy, our son.

We hadn’t even had a chance to pick out names, we didn’t know what we were having when we found out the baby was gone. On Thursday after he picked me up my husband suggested that we call the baby Angel Baby. I just call him Angel.

I am 28, and this is my husband and I’s fourth first trimester miscarriage. After the first one, I thought it was related to stress. I am an ER physician and was starting the beginning of a 30 hour call when I suddenly felt a gush of warmth. I was in the middle of resuscitating a dying patient, and couldn’t leave for an hour. When I finally made it to the bathroom, I was shocked to find my scrubs soaked in blood. I changed quickly, took a deep breath, and continued on with the next 29 sleepless hours of my day. I stayed objective about it, knowing that first trimester miscarriages are more than common.

Three months later, we were pregnant again, I was anxious, but ecstatic. In my mind, my husband and I were healthy, athletic individuals, with absolutely no medical problems. I was sure there was nothing that could go wrong a second time. But 7 weeks pregnant, and again, I was working a Friday overnight shift when I went to the bathroom and noted some heavy spotting. I knew I was miscarrying again. I started having severe cramps. There I was, bent over my computer with cramping. One of the nurses jokingly said to me, “What’s wrong? Maybe you’re pregnant!” I smiled back and laughed. What can you do in that situation? I continued working throughout that miscarriage.

Three months later, we were pregnant again. This time, I made an appointment to go see my OB/Gyn doctor the minute I got pregnant. We observed closely with serial ultrasounds. It wasn’t long before we realized the baby was not growing appropriately and at 9 weeks, the baby measured 6w3d and had no heartbeat. I opted to wait for a miscarriage. Luckily, this time, it happened between shifts at work.

This fourth one happened when I was at 8 weeks. I had an ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. I again waited for a spontaneous miscarriage. This time, they wanted me to collect tissue for further testing. I started bleeding on a Friday morning on my way to work. I continued spotting all week long. finally, a week later, I started having severe cramping. I was wearing pads to soak the bleeding. I was changing the pads every couple of hours. I woke up in the middle of the night feeling wet. I realized my pajamas and bedsheets were soaked in blood. I continued to have heavy bleeding. I was supposed to work the next morning. That was the first time over 4 years that I have ever called in sick. The tissue finally passed, and I caught it with a clunk in a container.

I’ve gone through all the blood testing, all the karyotyping. I’ve tried aspirin and progesterone. Nothing has worked. I meet with my new infertility doctor on Friday. I feel helpless, but I am trying my best to maintain hope. I try to stay strong. For my patients. For my husband. Nothing makes him sadder than when I cry. I have always been a strongly positive person; it is hard to stay positive at the core of it all right now. Especially when so many people depend on me to always be the uplifting one. For the first time in my life, I find myself thinking, “why is this happening to me?”

One of my co-workers knows what I am going through. For everyone else, I feel like I am leading a double life.

Testimonial on: how I went through the MISOPROSTOL experience in a way that nurtured me physically and emotionally.

My doctor told me clinically what I might expect, but that wasn’t enough for me. So I developed my own approach, based on internet research, consult with yoga instructors, my naturopathic physician, and a medical intuitive. You will not get this information from your OB, but she would also not find concern in any of it. It is gentle and all natural.

The timing, pain intensity, amount of blood experienced through this process is unique to each woman who goes through it. What I describe below is what worked for me. I did not use any prescription or over the counter pain killers. Didn’t need it.

My experience was at times painful, but not as painful as I anticipated. Not as much blood as I had imagined either. The medication took exactly 4 hrs to kick in. The episodes of contractions lasted about 2 ½ hrs. After that, I was worn out physically and emotionally and slept the entire next day and much of the following day.

In short, to ease cramping pain and discomfort, as it ebbs and flows:
• Have a friend with you to nurture you and take care of you. Now is not the time to be your own hero. Your close friend will be honored to support you during this transcendent experience
• Hot water bottle (or heating pad) for your abdomen
• Modified butterfly pose (easy yoga pose to do in bed)
• Take Arnica, a natural remedy for physical and psychological trauma
• Gentle essential oils such as rose: for your skin, temples, wrists, chest, or just to inhale
• Ginger tea made from fresh ginger root
• Long deep breathing (taught as Ujayi breath in yoga)
• Create melatonin and calm naturally
• Give yourself permission to experience this fully. Let your body do whatever it needs to do: cry, talk, be angry, scared, sad, etc

Details on each are as follows:

1) Have a compassionate friend with you: Leave all other people and distractions out of this experience. The most important thing is to focus on you, and your powerful body will do the rest. My partner wanted to be with me, but I honestly didn’t want his masculine energy during this. Intuitively I knew I wanted and needed a woman’s support. She can hold your hand, sit with you, bring you warm tea, keep you hydrated, listen to you, wipe your tears, and even be a warm body next to you as you are shivering cold. I am honored that my dear friend Julie took care of me into the night, during a most challenging time for me. Her soft feminine touch and demeanor was so soothing and reassuring. She happens to also be a trained in Reiki and is a trained yoga instructor. I have no doubt that Julie used all her resources to support me- I had moments when I was scared, when I was delirious with pain, and when I rattled on in a stream of consciousness kind of way about all kinds of things during incoherent moments.

2) Hot water bottle (that old fashioned looking thing): filled with warm water held to my abdomen

3) Modified butterfly pose: this yoga pose can be done while you’re in lying in bed under your covers with your hot water bottle on your stomach. Be sure to support your knees with pillows. This pose relaxes your groin and reproductive area and helps ease menstrual cramping. For info and easy instructions:
http://www.wikihealth.com/Yoga_for_miscarriage#Modified_Butterfly_pose

4) Arnica: Arnica 30 is a natural homeopathic for the relief of pains, bruises and shock. It is good to relieve fear, panic, anxiety. Arnic 200c for any big shock to the body, either physical or psychological. Homeopathy is non contraindicatory- meaning it doesn’t interact negatively with other medicines. But do stay away from strong scented stuff, like peppermint and tea trea oil while using arnica. For info:
http://www.yourverygoodhealth.co.uk/firstaid/default.asp

5) Essential oils: Good for smelling to lift your spirits, to break up the moment, to elevate your energy. I chose several gentle high vibration oils: rose, jojoba, and sandalwood. If you mix some drops in with olive oil (or almond oil, coconut, grapeseed oil, or shea butter) it makes a very nice moisturizer. My girlfriend taking care of me offered to rub my feet but I was too in the moment with the pains. Instead she passed the open bottle of essential oil under my nose. It was a welcome reprieve that lifted me from the moment.

6) Ginger root tea: Cut up some fresh ginger root and simmer it in a pot of water on the stove. This tea is good for easing the pain and building internal body heat.

The following actions were absolutely key in easing my pain and giving me an immediate sense of calm and high following each painful series of cramping:

7) Breathing exercise, called Ujayi (u-j-i-ee): Enables you to take in enough oxygen and helps the body release toxins. It is a balancing and calming breath and builds internal body heat. If you can’t access the info or video below, just remember to breathe, long deep breathing. Your attendant fried could help remind you to breath- not by telling you in words. She could just sit with you and breath long inhales and exhales- you will pick up on it. And her calm will be good for you.

For video instructions:
http://www.ehow.com/video_4958948_3rd-trimester-prenatal-yoga-breathing.html

The breath used in yoga is known as Ujayi (u-j-i-ee) and is a breath taken in to and out of the nose. The breath is drawn slowly in to the body so can help to clam you and also relax the body, stopping you from tensing up and giving you a tool to be able to actively manage your body’s reaction. The more you can relax the body the easier your experience will be. You can learn to breathe through the pain. For info: http://www.reassur3d.com/pages/R3d_yoga.html

Go to your sense of Intuition via the Brow Chakra, also called the “third eye.”
Our avenue to wisdom (our intuition), learning from our experiences and putting them in perspective. The spiritual center called the third eye happens to be the pineal gland, located in the middle of your brain. The pineal glad secretes melatonin during times of relaxation and visualization. The third eye is stimulated by focusing on the center of the forehead between your eyebrows. It is associated with clear site and clear insite. So it is no wonder that by focusing on that spot between my brows while doing my breathing exercise during painful moments, I was able to achieve a great fortitude and mental focus creating inner peace. For me, that spot feels warm and nurturing, like comfort food. I don’t have a good grasp on the science or the spirituality on this one in order to explain it well, but I can say with certainty that it was easy to focus on my brow chakra because it feels good.

9) Allow the body to express:

Speak the words that come out: You know all those crazy feelings and emotions you’ve been having for the past few weeks? Well, they came back for me during the moments of intense pain. I don’t know why. Best I can understand is that those painful times were so intense that my whole self was involved. Let it out is all I can say. For some reason, somewhere during the ebb and flow of contractions, each time I began to blabber on about all the sadness, anger, confusion, hurt, and crazy stuff. I’m sure there were lots of incomplete thoughts and some very desperate stuff. Thank goodness Julie didn’t engage me in a conversation during or after all that. She also didn’t suppose I needed her to respond or to fix any of my delusional anxst.

Deep sobbing and crying happened immediately after I was in pain for a bit (and had been doing the breathwork and talking as my mind dumped stuff out). I’m not sure how long that lasted, but as it subsided I noticed an amazing sense of calm all throughout my body, tingling in my face, and even euphoria. I felt so good immediately following those episodes that I quickly began to look forward to the release of sobbing and tears flowing.

I wish no woman has to go through this. But in the event that we do, or we know someone that has to, I hope that you might share this information with them. I plan on sharing this info with other women whenever possible. We need to know about these empowering options prior to even becoming a candidate for miscarriage.

My husband and I (age 26) were trying to have our first baby before my father passed away from terminal cancer. In August, Hospice called all of our family together for his final days. I hadn’t told my mother our plan but finally thought it was time I did. The day after I told my mom, I decided to take a HPT and was shocked when it said PREGNANT. Even though it was early in the pregnancy (only about 5.5 weeks), we decided to tell the family since we were all gathered together and this was truly a blessing. My father was fading quickly, but we wanted to tell him the wonderful news. It was the last words I spoke to him. He was able to say that it was “awesome.” Two days later he died at the age of 52.

The entire family embraced the pregnancy since it was such a happy thing during such a sad time. I went to my OB/GYN at 8 weeks and had an ultrasound. Everything looked fine including the heartbeat! At about 13 weeks, the day before I was scheduled to have a check-up and listen to the baby’s heartbeat, I told my mom I felt like my uterus wasn’t expanding enough. I tried to push away the negative thoughts, but the next day I found out my fears were true. I went to the doctor and she tried to find the heartbeat. She sent me into the ultrasound room and we saw the lifeless baby. It had quit developing around 9 weeks, right after my last ultrasound.

I’ll never understand why two precious things were taken away from me in just two months time. But I know my dad is taking good care of our baby in Heaven.

I am 22 years old and a newlywed. My husband and I were married on August 22 of this year and to our surprise we conceived on Sept 7th. With my pregnancy I was extremely sick with constant vommiting and had to be hospitalized for 3 days. After I was released I had to take Zofran everyday twice a day. Other than the nausea I loved being pregnant, knowing my body was changing and thinking about the “new belly” i’d have for the holidays. I just felt complete. We started telling people almost before the HPT was dry. I had an u/s when I was admitted (at 6 weeks) and everything was fine you could even already see the heartbeat. I had no bleeding or any reason to believe that anything was going to go wrong.
My first regular u/s was schedualed for Nov. 5th and my husband and I were sooo excited. I had spent weeks looking on-line at other peoples 10 week u/s just to get an idea of what we would get to see and i drank alot of orange juice on our way in because I had read it make the baby move more. As soon and my obgyn started the u/s I knew something was wrong, her eyebrows were pushed together. She said she couldn’t find the heart beat and we may be dealing with “fetal demise” and that she was going to send me to radiology for a better look.
When I sat up to get dressed I began to cry, I made my husband leave the room while I put on my clothes ( I just didn’t want him looking at me naked and crying and just plain vonerable). When we went downstairs to radiology I thought to myself that my doctor was just wrong and that everything was fine. After the second ultrasound the tech. sent me back upstairs to the office with out saying anything and I was crushed. My doctor didn’t have to say a word. I had a D&C 6 days later and I am still spotting from that. It has been 4 weeks and 6 days and I still deffinately don’t feel myself. I often wonder how big my belly would be now and I still keep track of how far along I’d be. I am not sure if that’s health but I can’t stop thinking as if I am still pregnant. I guess “only time will heal” because I sure haven’t found anything else that does.

My husband and i after 6 years of talking about it, were so very excited when i did the 12th pregnancy test..it came up with the faintest line, we could hardley see it but already knew we were pregnant, we wrer over the moon, we have such a loving relationship that there is soo much love to give to our own little creation the 1st time we tried we fell pregnant and it was quite hard work figuring out my ovelation day since i get my periods every 36-39days since i’ve been on the pill for 9 years and off it for 6 moths..the next day we did 3 more tests and god the positive was brighter than before, it was a in your face “YOU’RE PREGNANT” i saw my GP got a blood test followed by a “cogratulations you are approx 6-7weeks pregnant” god it was the best news ever, i cried for days cause we were so happy, my parent were so happy, our closest friends were over the moon, it was a perfect start, my breast have been enlarged and extra sensative, i felt like i was going to be a mummy in 7moths, best feeling ever…nobody could ever tell me that 2 weeks later i would be sitting by my coputer crying my eyes out googleing any thing to help me stop feeling this miserable and empty…it’s exactly 4 days ago i woke up after having a horrible realistic dream that i miscarried my beautiful supportive husband tried to laugh me off said i’m silly we’re pregnant and i should stop thinking negative..it was just a silly dream!! that day after a wee i wiped and noticed small pink-brownish trace on the toiletpaper, my heart jumped to my throat i showed my husband and he reassured me that it does happen to too many women who have healthy pregnancies, he has plenty of friends whos wifes spotted thru the 1st 3 moths…but i knew something was wrong, my breast didn’t feel as sensative, and from the moment i saw the wipe i felt empty inside, i alarmed my mother who also stayed positive since she spotted on and off when she carried me..next day i saw my GP she sent me for a hCG test and ultrasound, the transveginal ultrasound confirmed my worst fear, and my husband not being allowed in with me just tore me apart..it confirmed that infact i was empty, there was no sign of a yolk, or sac, or fetus, i was in a shock, my husband too when i told him..that night i was spotting fresh blood, wipes of it, telling myself maybe they miscalculated my term and i convinced myself its too early to see anything on scan, i did a home pregnancy test and within 1 second it was positive (not relising that the hormones stay in you even after a loss) that day i was getting awful long cramps in lower back and lower tummy, i rushed to my GP she said that my hCG was 350 it could mean yes it’s too early for scan, or that i lost pregnancy having a 1st trimester miscarrige and a follow up hCG was taken the next morning…i knew i lost it, i felt it, i didn’t want to admit it but i knew, i lost 4kg, my breasts went back to normal, i just felt empty and after last blood test i went to loo i saw fresh clot like blood gushed out of me, i tried to stop it and only caught the worst liver like clot bits, the size od large grape, very hard in texture with whie needle like hair bits, god it’s so bloody hard, nobody can prepare you for this, and us women being so sensative and emotional the second a Dr congratulates you on being pregnant your life just seems that little bit of perfect…my Dr called me with results my hCG dropped to 250 and since the ultrasound was clean, i was advised that i will naturally “expell” it all for 3-5days, i’m bleeding bad, crying my eyes out, i just can’t seem to find a logic explanation for any of this, am i being punished for something?why can’t i give my husband a helthy baby 1st time around? will this happen again? Why does this happen to soo many beautiful and healthy women who all they want is a child? I’m so emotionally worn out…My dreams are awful, and the moment i wake up i get this sense of grief, i don’t want to work cause seeing all the beatiful babies and lucky mothers makes me break down..my friends say this happens to all women who were on the pill for more than 5yrs, but if that’s the case why don’t Drs warn us about that when they put us on the pill year after year…God i pray that all these beautiful women who’s stories have touched me, and myself, go on having a healthy pregnancy and beautiful children next time around, because no one deserves to go thru this…again!

Katrina,

I am so sorry for this heartbreaking loss. I want to clarify that there is no connection between being on birth control pills for years and then having a miscarriage. Genetic miscarriages are a terrible and sad part of human reproduction, but they are not necessarily caused by anything but the fragile state of our DNA, which often has errors as it tries to divide cells to make a very complex and beautiful human being.

I beat the Depo odds of conceiving after I got off the shot of 12 years, but I did not beat the odds of early miscarriages aka Chemical Pregnancy.
Dr’s said it could take 1-2 years after getting off the Depo shot to have regular cycles and to conceive. With that long time frame in mind I got off and conceived two months later.
After 12 pregnancy test (all different brands, and I might add that I LOVE digital test) we were both so very excited. Pregnancy went well with no sickness and my first doctors visit was scheduled for the 21st of December. Based on ovulation test and my last cycle I would have been 6 weeks along. That Saturday before I went shopping with a friend and yes I purchased a baby bedding set, it was cute pink ladybugs. My husband laughed and only said that I could not decorate the baby’s room in pink ladybugs if it was a boy, I agreed! I hung baby slippers on the Christmas tree we just put up the night before and I started thinking of ways to decorate the baby’s room. How much longer do I have to wait to find out if it’s a boy or a girl? Arrgggh!
That Saturday night my husband and I enjoyed a meal out at a restaurant and I started to feel aching in my lower back. I asked him to finish his meal or to get it to go so I could get home and lay down. The aching was constant and somewhat painful. When I got home I went to the restroom and noticed a lot of fresh blood. I instantly broke down and started sobbing uncontrollably. I knew what was happening. We went to the ER room and blood test showed a 7, should have been in the thousands. That Monday I kept my Dr’s appointment where an ultra sound showed nothing and my Dr reassured me that this was all too common and there was nothing wrong with us and this showed all of us that everything is working the way it should be. We were given the “Ok” to try again right away. Luckily everything came out on it’s own and I bleed heavy for about 3 days, total bleeding was 5 days with one day of spotting.
Pregnancy symptoms: Tender breast and positive pregnancy test (multiple test), slight cramping on/off for the first 2 weeks.
I read about chemical pregnancies in the What to Expect When Expecting book and took another pregnancy test 5 days later, both of which showed positive. Three days after my last positive test I miscarried.
I’m doing okay and the hardest part is dealing with everyone’s “I’m so sorry” afterward, it lingers and keeps coming up. It makes complete sense now why they say you may want to keep it quiet until after the first trimester. We were thrilled and told everybody! The next we conceive (hopefully soon) we will keep it quiet until after the first trimester…hopefully anyway.
Love your website!

Hello. This webite has been a tremendous help for me. My first loss was at 14 weeks, happened on memorial day of this year. It was a very problematic pregnancy from very early on. After countless trips to the OB, ER , and bedrest, I had a completely spontaneous miscarriage that was complicated by a uterine septum. Happened at home, my hubby came home and found me in a bad way. It was the most horrible, painful ,scariest thing I’ve ever gone through. I then developed an infection that required a night in the hospital. Recovered(physically) well from it. I had surgery in Aug 2009 to remove the septum by a wonderful RE. Surgery went great. Got pregnant in OCT 2009, and lost the pregnancy at 8 weeks. I had a D&C 2 days before xmas. I have since recovered from that. I’m still under the care of the RE, he is a truley wonderful doctor! My hubby and I have faith that this coming year will be brighter. Its so helpful to know that I am not alone , there are so many other couples that have experienced this heartache , more than once. It has been so helpful for me to read of your stories. Stay strong out there, you are all in my thoughts and prayers! I miss my babies I lost, and it has been hard with holidays, but my hubby and I are hopeful for this new year!

My husband and I have been trying for our second child for over a year. Finally, we were pregnant. My periods are pretty irregular so missing a cycle or just be late is “normal” to me. This time I felt it, I knew I was pregnant.
Everything was wonderful, I felt great, the baby was growing normally, no signs of distress. Then, we made a critical decision about getting vaccinated for H1N1. I am extra paranoid and careful usually, on top of that, I’ve never had a flu shot before. All doctors were strongly advising for it so I did it. I got my H1N1 shot at 8 weeks pregnancy and everything felt OK. I wasn’t sick or achy (like my family members that did get the shot as well). 10 days after I received my vaccine, I checked myself into a hospital with an unusual bright yellow discharge. When I say yellow, I mean marker yellow. It just gushed out of me while I was shopping. It came so sudden and so much, I thought I was bleeding before I checked. At the hospital all I wanted to know if the baby had the heart beat which I had previously seen at my ultrasound session. The doctor reassured me that everything is fine, took couple of tests for infections and said if I am not actually bleeding, I am OK. Week 11, I had my routine ultrasound scheduled were I found out my baby had no heart beat. I thought I was going to lose my mind, I couldn’t breathe… My first pregnancy was so good, I could never imagine the possibility of anything going wrong this time. All I could think of is, how am I going to explain this to my 5 year old (she wants a sibling so bad). It was like a bad dream, all I can hear from the doc is the different options of removing the baby. My baby’s heart stopped beating at 8 weeks which is around the time I got my vaccine done. I’ve had no signs of miscarrying except the yellow discharge, it’s like my body didn’t want to give it away. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror because I looked pretty pregnant, I couldn’t stop crying. I’ve made my decision and had a D&C done December 3rd. I had some blood in my uterus 2 weeks post the surgery which is gone now. Despite of all the doctors reassuring me that losing this baby had nothing to do with the vaccine; I wake up every day with the weight on my shoulders about me making this decision and killing my baby. Since then, I know of 2 other women that lost their baby at 8 weeks and 13 weeks shortly after their H1N1 shot. What a coincidence! The doctors still can’t explain the “mysterious” yellow discharge I had, they say it doesn’t matter any more. By the way al the swab tests showed no presence of any infections. I am 5 weeks post my D&C and still waiting for my first period to arrive. I guess, it’s a first time in my life when I want it to come already. I’ve read everyone’s story and I have to say, my heart goes out for you, I feel your pain. It shows how precious our lives are and everything literally changes in a heartbeat. I am praying to God to give us all strength and patience. God bless our little angels in heaven…

I wanted to point out that I have posted on the issue of H1N1 vaccine and miscarriage on the main part of the site. Take a look at all the the things to consider as you decide whether or not to get the vaccine when you are pregnant: http://pregnancyloss.info/2009/12/lets-talk-about-swine-flu-and-miscarriage/

my partner and I, who have been together for 8 years, decided December 2008 that we should begin thinking about trying for our own little baby. We started in earnest in February 2009 after I had been off the pill for a while, and my prenatals would have kicked in. In November, after what I had thought was another failed month, because my “period” came early, I just had a feeling that I should test…my period had lasted 4 days and I bled enough to use tampons, so I initially didn’t think it was implantation…anyway, I tested about two days after that, and there it was, a faint positive! My boyfriend and I were so ecstatic, we spent the next few days grinning at each other like idiots! I went to the doc at 5 weeks to get my blood test to confirm pregnancy, and told her about the 4 days of bleeding…she said she thought it was probably implantation bleeding, but she suggested I get my HCG levels checked. the first was around 504 which was ok for 5 weeks. Two days later, it hadn’t gone up as much as they’d hoped, but it was still normal. They asked me to come in for another one, and that number had doubled…I was reassured that all was fine, and I should enjoy myself. I then booked an appointment for January 14th for my first scan which would have made me 9 weeks. We were both so excited, because we were going to tell friends and family on the 13th February as this is our anniversary day, and just around valentines. Then, on the 21st December, while visiting my boyf’s father for a family get-together, after going for a pee, I had some blood. my blood ran cold and I came out of the bathroom and sat next to my boyf, he immediately asked what the matter was, and I mouthed that I was bleeding. I then had to fake smiles and laughs while we made our excuses and went home. The next day, there was more bright red blood, so I called the doctor and they said I should come through. Because it was so sudden, I didn’t get to see my doc, and the woman that checked me was so cold, she made it sound so matter of fact, because it happens every day…which I know, but it doesn’t happen every day to ME! She did a scan, and said she could see the sac, and my cervix was closed, but the sac measured me at around 4 weeks, but I knew I was 6 weeks because I temp and know when I ovulate. She basically told me to go home and wait and see, it could go either way, but they took more blood for another HCG test. She said I should call her the following afternoon for my results. I had an awful evening and day, and spent around an hour trying to contact them to find out my results…eventually at 4pm, she calls me back, I ask how she is, and she says in this really friendly happy voice that she’s fine (which gives me hope, because you assume that if someone calls with bad news, they don’t sound so bloody chipper), then proceeds to say, but I have bad news for you, your HCG had dropped, you are miscarrying. After holding on to a little bit of hope, I had my heart crushed in that instant. I dedided to wait it out, as it was such an early miscarriage and had the most awful Christmas ever. We had a huge family function, and my bf’s mom desperately wants grandkids, and kept on making comments, I didn’t think I’d be strong enough, but I was. The bleeding was pretty much like a period with some cramping, and a sore back, but the last two days the blood gushed out of me like I should have been in a horror movie. I was in the bathroom getting ready to jump in the shower when it just poured out of me on the bathroom mats and tiles, and I just stayed in there, crying and trying to clean everything up. I think the hardest thing was that I really felt like my partner had no idea. about 4 days after christmas he had to go to his sisters for a bbq (an uncle up from overseas that they never get to see was there), I obviously didn’t want to go, but told him to go anyway, and that turned out to be the worst day. I thought he’d be gone for an hour or two, but he left me for 10 hours…and when he got home he was all surprised that I was an emotional wreck. I asked him how he could have gone for so long, and he told me I should have asked him to come home earlier. I then told him that I thought that wasn’t something I had to ask for and explained to him that just because the doctor told us 7 days ago that we’d lost the baby…I was still in the process of it happening, maybe it felt over for him, but I was the one wiping away chunks of tissue and blood every day… He was really supportive for the first few days, but I think after that, he just couldn’t understand why I acted normal for a couple of hours on end, then would start crying again. And its the kind of crying where you are not sobbing, tears just start seeping through your puffed up eyes and your throat constricts and you just can’t stop it. It’s not crying with passion, it’s crying with hopelessness…I think he felt completely useless and helpless, which made him frustrated…and I know he also greived for our baby to be…anyway, I went for one last scan about 8 days after my first, and she said everything was gone. so, here I sit, 3 weeks after, and in another week, I’ll have been empty of a baby as long as I had one growing in me. I really wish that things had been different, and I’m trying really hard not to be jealous of girls who have no hassles, but insist on complaining about every bout of nausea or back ache. I would give anything to be puking into a toilet right now if it meant I was pregnant. The only thing I can think of that offers me some comfort is that I believe that life never throws us more than we can handle, so ladies, we must be super strong! my baby is coming soon, I know he is…and with a little luck and a lot of prayer, so are yours.

I found out I was pregnant on Dec 11th at the age of 41. I was 51/2 weeks pregnant. I was in shock but happy. After not using birth control for a few years, I had started to think that I couldn’t get pregnant. On January 4th I started spotting. The cramps with clots began 2 days later. 5 days after that the baby came out, still in the sac. I had told everyone about my pregnancy, now I had to tell EVERYONE about my miscarriage. I am so angry that my own body has betrayed me. I hate that I flushed my baby down the toilet at work and went back in and finished my shift. What the hell is wrong with me? Thank god for this website. Nowhere else was I able to get some straighforward answers about what to expect during a miscarriage.

i dunno where to go and im freakin out. someone please help me…i dunno if i had a miscarriage or not and its making me crazy. i cant find the place to write the owner of this page or anything. i keep looking at all the stuff and i cant find much thats helping……….
i’ve been married for almost 2 years and we wanted to get pregnant right away but havent been able to. we went to the doctor and he said im fine but we needed to get some tests done for my hubby. we live in Guatemala so, things arent as easy to do as in the US. we hope to have the money and chance to get the tests done this months, but … every time before my period i “feel” pregnant, wishful thinking….but this time i wasnt sure, but i was about a week late. i had all the symptoms but i always do like PMS….so i dunno. thursday i started having a weird spotting, but hardly any….brown. and i got excited and thought it was whats it called…placement bleeding or something like that….because normally the first day of my period i have horrible cramps and lots of blood. but i had no cramps and barely any blood. friday was the same. Saturday i started bleeding a bit more, and sunday night was when i really got worried….a semi large goop of tissue came out…it was different than ive ever had before. i got worried, showed my husband, and threw it in the toilet….yesterday and today (monday and tuesday) i’ve bleed more than usual. especially for the 5-6th days of my period.its not like people say where its huge amounts of blood, but its more than usual and redder than usual. i dont have cramps at all….HELP please

and i agree with Janet…about hating my bodying for tricking me and hating myself for possibly flushing my baby down the toilet and living my life like nothing because i dont know!!!!!!

at age 33 my husband and I finally decided we were ready for a child, and I was exstatic, I was ready , and immaculate in my preparation for a baby.
after a few months of trying I was pregnant . I was on cloud nine, planning, reading, eating well, and preparing .
at 6 weeks I started a light brown discharge that only appeared after going to the toilet, my OBGYN assured me not to worry at this stage as spotting can be normal. However it continued and my Doc ordered me to bed rest , but that didnt help, when I went in for a check up, there was no heartbeat to be found, my Doc did a number of tests to confirm the miscarriage, I was devastated , I had to go in for a DNC.
When I awoke after the DNC I felt so empty and an overwhelming sense of loss, I couldnt hold back the emotion and sobbed in front of everyone, I just couldnt hold it in , I was in such loss, and pain no words could explain it . I had some wonderful nursing staff who encouraged and comforted me.
after a week or so I felt that if I got pregnant again it would certainly work out 2nd time around( 1st time unlucky)

I got pregnant rather quickly, and this time at 7weeks I went straight to my Doc for an ultrasound and there we saw the little heartbeat. I was reassured this was all going to work out fine . I was impecable with my diet and pregnancy regime, I had all the hope in the world I was positive and happy I started a diary where I wrote to my baby everyday.
I was however also very cautious , I was aware of how it can all turn in an instant & that left me somewhat anxious as well, I constantly had nightmares about my baby being deformed , or about me neglecting my baby, but I had read that these are normal types of dreams that pregnant woman experience , it is a normal part of the anxiety over the health of your baby.
at 12 weeks I started spotting again, mostly only after going to the toilet . My Doc was concerned but said that I should only come in if it continues. It started and stopped and started and then stopped, I eventually couldnt take it anymore and went in for a check up. My doc could not find a heartbeat anymore and struggled to even see the baby, the baby had died early on and yet my body had carried on with the pregnancy.
I had to go in for another DNC, I believe I turned into a serious state of denial after this. I refused to face the deep pain I was feeling the loss and the helplessness. after numerous tests were performed , the results confirmed a chromosomal abnormailty . My Doc encouraged me to try one more time , but I have not got there yet , it has been 2years and I cannot bring myself to try again. My sister and my sister-in-law have since each had a child and it just becomes more devastating for me each time I see them happy with their babies , I avoid too much visitation with them because they always think that I want to hold their babies, because I am the sad sack that hasnt been able to have her own, but I cant, I just dont even want to see them and their babies, I dont begrudge them their happiness, I can understand their happiness, but I am sad and angry, and confused about my situation .

I have suffered many setbacks as a result of these miscarriages, I have severe loss of libido, and ,my previous positive happy demeanor has become a serious and cynical one, I dont pray anymore, and I cant bring myself to go to church anymore , I dont feel like being around pregnant woman or woman with babies. Dont get me wrong I did seek proffesional help, I went to a psychologist and even went on medication and anti-anxiety pills.
not much has helped, because ther are times when I feel such loss, and such fear for trying again. I have at this stage adopted an attitude of not wanting children at all, and that position is getting stronger and stronger each day. I just hope for the day when I can rejoice and not have that sinking feeling when other woman around me have babies and rejoice in their children. At this point I dont want children but I do want peace of mind , I dont know if that is possible , I know that perhaps me deciding not to have children might be a defense mechanism, but for now it kind of gives me some form armour

january 31st january 08 i had a happy healthy 6pound 3 0z bby girl Emieliea, she is now 2yrs old and perfect! in march 2009 i found i was pregnant again and so excited 1st scan everythings fine, 5month scan i found out the bby had spina bifida and all associated problems along with it he had a 0.1% chance of survial and most likley wld of died as he got bigger inside me, i had early labour an i had him 18th july 2009 my son michael david mark, born at 1pound 1 0z, i was completly devestated, we again decided to try again the doctors prescribed 5mg of folic acid to take daily for 3 months brfore conception an throught the pregnancy, surly enough 31st of january on my daughters birthday! we were completely over the moon straight to the doctors to confirm the pregnancy, i had to wait 6 days 4 the results to return bk from the hospital 2days before i got the pregnancy confirmed, i miscarried, i went to hand in my disscharge papers the doctor before the letter said yes your pregnant, im worried that its going to happen again , i wld be grateful for a return email on any help in having a sucsseful 4th pregnancy, thank you xx

I am a mummy to 2 very wonderful children, Dylan age 5 and Darcey 8 months. On monday I found out I had lost my third child! I was told at my 12 week dating scan that my baby had died around 9 weeks, he/she was 23mm! I had a d and c on weds and am now left with the reality of trying to come to terms with what has happened. When I had the d and c I felt as though I was having a termination, I still felt pregnant. My breasts were sore, my belly was swollen…I know that this is because of the hormones still in my body but even that knowledge couldn’t take away the guilt I felt as I was taken to theatre. I am trying to get my head round ‘why’ and ‘when’. I’m constantly trying to remember everything I did at 9 weeks looking for any indication of when my baby may have died. I know realistically that the most probable cause was something to do with the development and that what happened was natures way of being kind to the baby, it doesn’t make it any easier though. I feel cheated! I wanted my baby and would have loved and cared for it whatever problems it may have had. Nature took that away from me. Two of my best friends are also pregnant and we were all due to have our babies within 3 weeks of each other. Although I am very happy for my friends I know that I’m going to have constant reminders of my lost baby forever, when their babies are born, have birthdays, start school…..my baby should have been having all those things too. I’m not sure how I’m going to cope with that! At the moment I’m feeling very numb and empty but have this overwhelming urge to become pregnant again. I’m not sure if this is normal or because of the leftover hormones. My partner says we can try when I’m ready, other people think I need to wait a few months but I’m not sure I can. After reading the many stories on this site I realise how lucky I am, I have 2 beautiful children and have only suffered 1 loss. My heart goes out to every woman who has been unfotunate to experience the loss of any baby. My thoughts are with you all xxx

I miscarried at 7 weeks on the dot on Sept.21, 2009. It was the day before my parent’s 30 year wedding anniversary. A week prior I’d had some spotting and went to ER after work. I work in a hospital. So I got examined and they booked me for an ultrasound the next morning first thing. That morning, there was a live single fetus with a heartbeat of 112-124 beats per minute and a tiny implantation hemmorhage inferior to the gestational sac. I was told everything would be fine but to come back if i experienced anymore spotting or if it got heavier. I felt relieved, happy that everything would be fine but yet there was a something inside me that told me all wasn’t going to be fine. The weekend came and I started getting awful cramps. The spotting started again but I tried to go to sleep. I woke up at 3 am in excruciating pain, went to the bathroom and there were huge clots coming out. I didnt want to wake my husband as I didnt want him to miss work and besides, what could he do anyways? I spent the rest of the wee hours in a hospital room alone, getting examined which feels like more of a violation when you know theres no baby. I knew in my heart when I saw those clots my baby was gone. I prayed and prayed and begged God not to take my baby but it didnt help. At 6 am i called my mother and she came to be with me. My husband got up for work and frantically called my cell. I told him in tears that we werent going to be parents after all. He wanted to come but I said no since my mom was there. I told him go to work cause we need the money. I think I was in shock. If it wasnt for my mom I dont know what Id do. Of course that morning of the 21 they did another ultrsound and they confirmed what I already knew, the baby was gone. I had what they call a spontaneous abortion. I didnt require a d & c but it was very painful cramps and such a let down. The bad thing is my husbands cousin and her husband lost their baby on the very same day and were already pregnant again by November and it was like his family couldn’t wait to tell me, which made me feel like an even bigger loser than I already did. Well here it is, the end of Feb 2010 and we still haven’t conceived. This was supposed to be our year. We even took a tropical vacay during my ovulation in hopes of conceiving then since we would be away from all the stress, but that didnt work. I was due May 10. My 30 bday is coming in April and I dont even want to celebrate. If I hadn’t miscarried, I’d be excited to celebrate all jolly and pregnant, but I’m not and I feel old not to have even had a child yet. I feel like our dream of having a family is never going to happen. I would love to adopt but my husband doesn’t really seem into that so I guess we’ll try a little bit longer then resort to fertility treatments. I also lost my faith in God after this. I know so many people who dont take care of themselves go on to have healthy babies they end up neglecting and I who did everything right had to lose a baby that would have been so beyond adored. I don’t believe in anything anymore, the only thing you can believe in is yourself I think. I’m going to keep trying and hope for the best, hopefully we don’t need fertility treatments but if we do, theres nothing I can do about it cause I want to be a mom more than anything and I wont let anything stand in my way.

I found out I was pregnant March 1st of 2010. I was only a couple of days late, and decided to take a test just in case. When I saw the little pink line appear, I will never forget what I felt. I was not planning on having a baby, but I knew it could happen. I was in shock. I went and bought more tests, just to be sure. My boyfriend and I went through some emotional days figuring out what we were going to do. By the end of that week, we had decided we were going to keep it. He was a little distant, not really wanting to talk about it too much yet. He was very scared. So was I! But I went out and bought a ton of healthy food to eat, and made a doctor’s appointment. I started taking my prenatal vitamins and read everything I could find on pregnancy and childbirth. I bookmarked every week-by-week website and went through every week so I could prepare for what was to come. My baby was the size of a poppyseed. I kept trying to feel close to it, to feel like it was really there. Thursday night, I had pain in my lower back that would not subside. I just thought it was part of being pregnant. I also had slight cramping but nothing to cause any worry. Saturday night, there was pink on the toilet paper. I began to panic, I knew that something was wrong. Sunday morning, there was more pink but it was a tad darker and there was more of it. I called out of work and went to the emergency room. I was terrified, and I knew that something was not right. The doctor examined me, and said that my cervix was closed, and that it was a very good sign. I began actually bleeding after the exam. I had an ultrasound, which proved inconclusive. I was still cramping. They said that my hCG level was 11. At the time I did not realize that this was extremely low, and should be much higher. My urine test was negative for pregnancy. She sent me home and said to return in 48 hours for a re-test. I took 3 home pregnancy tests, and I sat around with my feet up praying to God that everything would be alright. I couldn’t eat much, I couldn’t sleep, and I couldn’t bear to think of losing my baby. I kept telling myself that she was fine. I was extremely anxious. I continued to bleed through Monday. That night, I stopped and thought that that meant that everything would be okay. Despite all the clots I had passed, I allowed myself to hope. I had a dream Monday night, about a baby girl. She was about one years old, and was sitting in my lap resting her head on my chest, and I was rocking her. My baby came to me. Tuesday morning the bleeding resumed, along with skin-like looking material. I think I knew, at that point what was coming. I still hoped and prayed. Late that afternoon I returned to the hospital for my test, hopeful and scared. They took me right back and did the blood test. My boyfriend met me there, but he was not allowed to come back and wait for the results with me. The doctor came in finally, and told me that my levels had dropped to 4.5, and that my pregnancy was not going to continue. I was sitting in a room full of people, those sitting closest to me heard. I was embarrassed. I ran out to the waiting room and grabbed my boyfriend. The tears had started and I couldn’t speak. The nurse came after me and asked me to sign discharge papers. This happened yesterday. I feel like it has been eons, and yet I feel like it was five minutes ago. My child’s heartbeat was supposed to start beating this week. Her arm and leg buds were supposed to start forming soon, she was supposed to GROW. She is dead. My child is dead. My baby is dead. My daughter is dead. I felt with my heart that it was a girl, and I still do. A baby girl visited me in my dreams. I have named her Poppy, because I called her my little poppyseed while she was in my womb. I have not truly began to grieve. I have not fully realized what is happening, what has happened. I just want it to go away, and I want my baby BACK. I want my baby back. I want her back now! She was due November 6th.

My daughter was too good for this world, but she lives on in my heart and I know that we will meet in my dreams, until we can meet in heaven. I love her with all of my heart.

‘reassurance’ scans at the early stages aren’t that reaasuring in my view. i’m pregnant again, a few months after a miscarriage at 8 weeks. i won’t be going for any such scans this time around. in my first pregnancy, i was sent for an internal scan after i found i was bleeding lightly. they confirmed the heartbeat, size , etc and that it was a ‘viable’ pregnancy. within a few hours of getting home, the bleeding was heavier and i had cramps. i knew in my heart it was all over and i was right. the next day was xmas day and i did my best to get through having a ‘merry’ christmas. i lived with the uncertainty until boxing day night when it was finally confirmed. this time around, if there is any light bleeding, i’m doing nothing. if it’s going to happen, it will anyway and there’s nothing i or the doctors can do to prevent it. fingers crossed it doesn’t happen again.

This website is such a wonderful gift. All the stories help justify all the feeling that noone seems to understand.

I found out I was pregnant February 8th. I have a son that is 2 and we had to see a fertility specialist to have him. We did not think we could have a child because we hadn’t been using birth control for years. I was 35 then and had PCOS. While I was pregnant, I developed a large tumor attached to my right ovary. They did not discover this until I was 37 weeks pregnant when I was in alot of pain. They had to do an emergency C-section to deliver my son and the remove the tumor immediately. The tumor was the size of an IV bag. They had to remove my right ovary and fallopian tube. Luckily, it was non cancerous. Since we had such a difficult time having our son (he was our miracle). We did not consider we would have another pregancy. I was on birth control, had recently been placed on thyroid medicine, and was taking antibotics. Needless to say these factors helped us become suprisingly pregnant. At first we were shocked-my husband had not wanted another baby. After the intial shock, by the next day we were thrilled. I told him we needed to wait to tell people until after the first trimester, neither of us did. I am 37 and my doctor immediatly had me come in for a blood test. The next day they called and said my HCG count verified I was pregnant, but probably early about 4-5 weeks along. They scheduled the first ultra sound for March 3. I never got to see the babies heartbeat. I found out I was pregnant on Monday. I started spotting dark brown blood on Friday about 4:00 with light cramping . Immediately I panicked and talked to the nurse. They said it was probably implantation bleeding, but I was terrified. As the night went on I continued to cramp only on the lower right side below the pelvic area. The pain continued to get worse. I was still only passing dark brown blood when I went to the bathroom. I called the nurse again this time because this had been going on about 8 hours. They told me to go to the emergency room. This was around midnight. I went alone while my husband stayed with our son. I believe at the time he thought I should wait, but I was really worried and I wanted to stop it if it was happening. Now, I know that I could not have prevented it. When I got to the emergency room they immediatly took me back. They did a papsmear a few hours later and said my cervix was still closed which still meant everything might be ok. I had a small amount of bleeding. They said they would also check my HCG counts. The two nurses and male doctor were so kind to me. Of course, I was in tears with fear. They had explained if I was having a miscarriage nothing could be done to prevent it. Once they checked my counts they said they were only 356. The doctor explained 356 was very low for the weeks I should be pregnant but as long as the number had not dropped since my counts on Monday at doctors office I might be ok. Of course I heard might be ok. My doctors office was in the same hospital which allowed them to retrieve my HCG counts. They had dropped from 693 on Monday to 356. He came in and explained I was having a micarriage. I started sobbing. They offered to call my husband and get me pain medication. At this point, I knew I could not hurt they baby so they gave me a pain shot. Shortly after, my husband came and got me. I had to follow up with my doctor on Monday. They had told me at the emergency room I may have to have a DNC, but the day I was to see my OB I naturally miscarried. I had bleed heavily and when I passed the tissue and sack I knew immediatly. They did an ultrasound at the Drs office to verify my womb was empty. I did miss work all that week. The doctor’s office was extremely difficult because other pregnant ladies were there to have ultrasounds. They were happy and I was crying in the lobby while my husband held my hand. I did not talk to anyone that week and told them I appreciated there prayers but I needed to be alone with family. At first I cried all the time, the worst was when the doctors office called to verify my first ultrasound of the baby. They forget to cancel the appointment when I had the miscarriage. Now, I am angry. I know I didn’t cause it but, the day before the miscarriage I was extremely upset. My father was in the hospital with terminal cancer. Luckily, he got to go home the next week. My grandmother was in another hospital with kidney failure. She past away last Saturday. I was not able to really think about everything that happened with the baby the last two weeks because so much other stuff was going on as well. I am not sleeping very well. This site seems to be the only thing that is giving me comfort. I accidently, overheard my husband telling one of his friends. I am driving him crazy. He told me I just needed to not think about it. I asked him if he wanted another baby if I thought we may try again. He said he wanted this baby that we lost, but he doesn’t want to try again. I keep relieving everything in my mind. I want to be ok…I want to be able to be happy again, but I am just really sad, angry, and confused. I am 37 and was fine with just having my son, but my baby I lost changed everything. I wanted this baby. I know everything happens for a reason. I believe in God but I have not been able to talk to him because I have been angry. I want to be able to have peace and trust that everything will be ok. I want to be able to feel God’s presence to comfort me. I ask that you say a prayer when you read this that I will have peace. Right now, I don’t have the heart to day the prayer. Writing this makes me feel that although, my pregnancy may have been early….this site will help my baby always be remembered.

I

I done a home pregnancy test on 23rd January, I was convinced it would come up negative as it did once before, I waited 5 minutes and then looked at the test, I saw the two blue lines one faintly.. But there, I couldn’t believe my eyes i asked my boyfriend is it just me or is it there, and it was. It was my first pregnancy. I went to see my doctor on the 25th and he done another one and it came up positive again.. It was confirmed, I was so excited I started looking at clothes and cots and imagined what it would be like being a mum! Me and my boyfriend decided to call the baby Grace if it was a girl, And Reggie if a boy. On Valentines day 14th Febuary.. I went to the toilet and discovered Blood on my knickers i paniced and run to my mom and my boyfriend and hysterically cryed my mom told me to calm down and show her.. I look it easy for a few hours to see if i would stop, I didn’t I decided to go to the hospital where i could get it checked out I was waiting 4 hours with women with babies and toddlers it made me terribly upset when i got seen they got a gynecologist down i was booked to have a scan the following day, I had a ultrasound where the sac and the fetus was still in the womb, but i was only early on 6-7 weeks so she suggested a Trans vaginal scan which was much clearer but still no heartbeat but i was warned it was still early so a heartbeat might not be detectable at this stage, I went home on the tuesday I started getting cramps back off to the hospital as i arrived, i went to the toilet and felt something coming out it was the shape and size of a chilli pepper and i run out of the toilet and got the nurse where she examined is and said it was a clot. But i was convinced it was my baby. I then had an Internal where she got the rest of the clots out They kept me in over night because they was worried about the bleeding. I then had a scan the next morning where there was no more sac and no more baby, I was devastated I wasn’t going to be a mommy anymore. When i got home i put my pregnancy test, Baby socks, and vests, my valentines day card and all the leaflets about miscarriage in a bag and put them in my wardrobe I couldn’t bear it.. All i done was cry, I wanted my baby back I would of been 13 weeks and i would of seen my baby on the 15th of march on the 12 week ultra sound. All i get told is You can have more, or It just wasn’t meant to be, You wasn’t ready. But i don’t understand why me? what have i done wrong, I ate healthy, Didn’t smoke, Took folic acid. Done everything right and it still happened to me. I get awfully jealous of people that are pregnant. And i get very emotional all the time, I will always remember my baby. You just can’t help but think of what was going to be. But i’ve got my little angel watching over.

I’m 24 years old. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby since we got married a year and a half ago. We knew from the start that it may be very hard for us to concieve a child because I have been diagnosed with polycistic ovarion syndrome. After a year of trying to concieve a child we decided to seek medical help. We both started having test done. When I went into see my ob/gyn for the last of my test results she told me I was pregnant. My husband and I were over joyed with the fact that we were going to have a baby on our own with no medical help after all this time. My doctor had told me that she wanted to moniter my hcg levels cause they were a little low and she wanted to make sure that everything was progressing as it should. So that same day I went in for blood work and asked my doctor if I should come back to see her for the results. She told me not to come in because she is 2 hours from where I live she told me I could just call in a week to get the results. I called her office the following week to ask what my hcg level was not expecting to be told what I was told. All the receptionist said was it is under 5 so you are no longer pregnant and hung up the phone with absolutly so explaination at all. I waited for a phone call from my doctor on what I should do now. I never recieved the phone call all I got was a message on my machine saying that I didn’t need to have more bloodwork done cause my level was back down and they had no worries. All I have been able to think about is how my doctor had acted like it was nothing at all. I was 5 weeks pregnant and lost the baby that I only knew about for 1 week. Despite only having that feeling that there was a baby for 1 week I fell more in love with that child then anyone in my whole life. This has only happened in the last few weeks and i’m still grieving for my child. While also grieving I keep thinking will I have another chance to have a baby because it is so hard for me to become pregnant. My husband and I have had many conversations in these few weeks about how we should approach this and if we should try again and what we should do if I have another miscarriage. My husband had helped my so much there would be no way I would have made it through this without his love and support.

It has been exactly 11 days since I found out my little one was now with the angels.
This was my first pregnancy, my husband and I have been married for almost 4 years, and I was so excited to be pregnant. I was 13 weeks and 1 day pregnant when I had my routine checkup – I was so excited to hear the baby’s heartbeat. I was fortunate to have an ultrasound at 9 weeks and my husband and I witnessed the baby’s heartbeating, so I did not expect one this time. I brought my mom with me, so proud to be first time Grandma, I wanted to share this moment with her.
The nurse used the small doppler on my belly and had trouble finding the heartbeat. The craziest feeling went over me and I just knew something was wrong. I started to cry and the nurse assured me the baby was fine, but she then went to get my doctor. My doctor tried the doppler as well, but I already knew my baby had died. I cried non stop as the doctor went to get the ultrasound machine….I knew there was no reason for it.
I just glanced at the screen for a quick second because I could not believe what was happening to me. I saw my lifeless little one and could tell that the body shape was abnormal. I cried…and cried and cried. My husband met me at the doctors, he was all that I wanted for that moment.
My D&C was scheduled for the following day. The hospital, my doctor and all the nurses were absolutely amazing. As emotional and sad as I was, they really helped me cope and understand what was going on. The surgery was easy and so was the recovery, the hardest part is the emotional aspect of losing your unborn child.
Everyday I think about my baby and there is nothing that truly makes sense to me. I just wish this whole thing never happened and my little one would be in my arms this November. Unfortunately, I know this is realty and I have to make it through one day at a time.
I thank God for giving me my husband as he has been so amazing though the entire process. Our love has grown stronger and I know we will be great parents some day.

It has only been 2 days since I learned that I lost you. I still don’t know if I will be having a d&c yet. I have had no major cramping, just bleeding. Yesterday I was supposed to have my first scan, supposed to see my little peanut and hear your heart beating. I was devastated on Monday when I went to use the bathroom and found blood. Your big sister was such an easy pregnancy, I guess I never dreamed we’d be here, no not me this doesn’t happen to our family. I have been crying all day and all night. The ultrasound confirmed my worst fears on Monday. They took your pictures and folded them up and put them in my file. Nothing like my last pregnancy, no cd of pictures to take home. Just me in tears in a dark ultrasound room. I’m so sad, my little baby I miss you so much. I know God is watching over all of us and that you are being raised and loved by him.
Yesterday I passed a clot, I don’t think it was you, but I could not bear to throw it away or flush it down the toilet so I wrapped you up and planted you with the earth. Somehow even that doesn’t seem right. I’m afraid that maybe I missed part of you and that you are now not whole. This morning I told myself that you left to be with God a while ago, that you probably had passed a couple of weeks ago and have been in heaven this whole time. It seems so incomplete and confusing today. I fear going through this again, I cannot imagine doing this again. We had found out we were pregnant exactly 3 years to the day that we found out we were pregnant with your big sister and you were due just 2 days after her, February 5th. How I will always think of you in February and every day, all of my days. I miss you my sweet baby for you were fearfully and wonderfully made. Rest comfy with God and in the arms of the angels my sweet love.

November of 2006 I found out that I was pregnant. I was excited but scared to tell my mother and step-father since I was not married yet (my wedding was only 3 months away). Sadly I let my mother talk me into an abortion. October of 2009 I found out that I was pregnant again. I was excited again and a little scared to tell my parents even though I was married. I did tell them and they were happy for me this time. 3 days after I found out I started spotting my OB told me not to worry and to lay on my left side and relax for a few days. When the spotting got worse I went into see my OB to do an ultrasound. I got in there and the only thing that we could see on the screen was the sac, the baby had not formed at all. Later that night I started to be in so much pain I ended up in the hospital and my OB ended up putting me under for a D&C the next day. My Dr. told me that we could try again right away that everything should be fine (which we did). I found out that I was pregnant May 17th 2010 and then went into the O/B what I thought was 7 weeks but I was wrong. I took my sister and one of my good friends with me since my hubby wasnt able to go. He did and ultrasound and I was measured at 6 weeks and the baby had a very strong heartbeat. My Dr. told me he wanted to see me again in 2 weeks. Just about a week ago which would have made me 8 weeks I started some very very light spotting. I went to see my Dr. the next day and he confirmed what I already knew… the baby had died. He wanted me to come in the next day so he could make sure. Later that night I started bleeding some more and cramping some. I was determind to go through this miscarriage naturally. I woke up at around 6 AM with toe curling contractions, and passed 3 huge blood clots. I went into the Drs. office later to find out that the clots that I had brought in were not the baby. The ultrasound was disgusting all you could see was clot after clot surrounding the baby. I said that I wanted to go through this naturally but my Dr. didnt suggest it since I had not even dialated. The next day I had another D&C. I went in for my checkup earlier today which is the 18th of June and my Dr. wanted to put me on birth control and wants me to see a Genetic Counselor before I get pregnant again. I told him that I wasnt going to go on birth control and he said that I need to call him asap if I get pregnant again. I am sorry who is able to afford a Genetic Counselor when its thousands of dollars to either tell you, you have nothing wrong with you, or you have something wrong with you that cannot be fixed. I dont have that money. So now I have my 3 babies up in heaven which I will hopefully get the chance to see them later and I will trust in God and believe that he will do what is right for me.

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