Comments on: First Trimester Stories http://pregnancyloss.info Thu, 11 Mar 2010 12:19:50 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.2 hourly 1 By: betty http://pregnancyloss.info/womens-stories/first-trimester-stories/comment-page-1/#comment-4214 betty Thu, 11 Mar 2010 12:19:50 +0000 http://www.pregnancyloss.info/?page_id=76#comment-4214 'reassurance' scans at the early stages aren't that reaasuring in my view. i'm pregnant again, a few months after a miscarriage at 8 weeks. i won't be going for any such scans this time around. in my first pregnancy, i was sent for an internal scan after i found i was bleeding lightly. they confirmed the heartbeat, size , etc and that it was a 'viable' pregnancy. within a few hours of getting home, the bleeding was heavier and i had cramps. i knew in my heart it was all over and i was right. the next day was xmas day and i did my best to get through having a 'merry' christmas. i lived with the uncertainty until boxing day night when it was finally confirmed. this time around, if there is any light bleeding, i'm doing nothing. if it's going to happen, it will anyway and there's nothing i or the doctors can do to prevent it. fingers crossed it doesn't happen again. ‘reassurance’ scans at the early stages aren’t that reaasuring in my view. i’m pregnant again, a few months after a miscarriage at 8 weeks. i won’t be going for any such scans this time around. in my first pregnancy, i was sent for an internal scan after i found i was bleeding lightly. they confirmed the heartbeat, size , etc and that it was a ‘viable’ pregnancy. within a few hours of getting home, the bleeding was heavier and i had cramps. i knew in my heart it was all over and i was right. the next day was xmas day and i did my best to get through having a ‘merry’ christmas. i lived with the uncertainty until boxing day night when it was finally confirmed. this time around, if there is any light bleeding, i’m doing nothing. if it’s going to happen, it will anyway and there’s nothing i or the doctors can do to prevent it. fingers crossed it doesn’t happen again.

]]> By: Darcy http://pregnancyloss.info/womens-stories/first-trimester-stories/comment-page-1/#comment-4209 Darcy Thu, 11 Mar 2010 07:28:56 +0000 http://www.pregnancyloss.info/?page_id=76#comment-4209 I found out I was pregnant March 1st of 2010. I was only a couple of days late, and decided to take a test just in case. When I saw the little pink line appear, I will never forget what I felt. I was not planning on having a baby, but I knew it could happen. I was in shock. I went and bought more tests, just to be sure. My boyfriend and I went through some emotional days figuring out what we were going to do. By the end of that week, we had decided we were going to keep it. He was a little distant, not really wanting to talk about it too much yet. He was very scared. So was I! But I went out and bought a ton of healthy food to eat, and made a doctor's appointment. I started taking my prenatal vitamins and read everything I could find on pregnancy and childbirth. I bookmarked every week-by-week website and went through every week so I could prepare for what was to come. My baby was the size of a poppyseed. I kept trying to feel close to it, to feel like it was really there. Thursday night, I had pain in my lower back that would not subside. I just thought it was part of being pregnant. I also had slight cramping but nothing to cause any worry. Saturday night, there was pink on the toilet paper. I began to panic, I knew that something was wrong. Sunday morning, there was more pink but it was a tad darker and there was more of it. I called out of work and went to the emergency room. I was terrified, and I knew that something was not right. The doctor examined me, and said that my cervix was closed, and that it was a very good sign. I began actually bleeding after the exam. I had an ultrasound, which proved inconclusive. I was still cramping. They said that my hCG level was 11. At the time I did not realize that this was extremely low, and should be much higher. My urine test was negative for pregnancy. She sent me home and said to return in 48 hours for a re-test. I took 3 home pregnancy tests, and I sat around with my feet up praying to God that everything would be alright. I couldn't eat much, I couldn't sleep, and I couldn't bear to think of losing my baby. I kept telling myself that she was fine. I was extremely anxious. I continued to bleed through Monday. That night, I stopped and thought that that meant that everything would be okay. Despite all the clots I had passed, I allowed myself to hope. I had a dream Monday night, about a baby girl. She was about one years old, and was sitting in my lap resting her head on my chest, and I was rocking her. My baby came to me. Tuesday morning the bleeding resumed, along with skin-like looking material. I think I knew, at that point what was coming. I still hoped and prayed. Late that afternoon I returned to the hospital for my test, hopeful and scared. They took me right back and did the blood test. My boyfriend met me there, but he was not allowed to come back and wait for the results with me. The doctor came in finally, and told me that my levels had dropped to 4.5, and that my pregnancy was not going to continue. I was sitting in a room full of people, those sitting closest to me heard. I was embarrassed. I ran out to the waiting room and grabbed my boyfriend. The tears had started and I couldn't speak. The nurse came after me and asked me to sign discharge papers. This happened yesterday. I feel like it has been eons, and yet I feel like it was five minutes ago. My child's heartbeat was supposed to start beating this week. Her arm and leg buds were supposed to start forming soon, she was supposed to GROW. She is dead. My child is dead. My baby is dead. My daughter is dead. I felt with my heart that it was a girl, and I still do. A baby girl visited me in my dreams. I have named her Poppy, because I called her my little poppyseed while she was in my womb. I have not truly began to grieve. I have not fully realized what is happening, what has happened. I just want it to go away, and I want my baby BACK. I want my baby back. I want her back now! She was due November 6th. My daughter was too good for this world, but she lives on in my heart and I know that we will meet in my dreams, until we can meet in heaven. I love her with all of my heart. I found out I was pregnant March 1st of 2010. I was only a couple of days late, and decided to take a test just in case. When I saw the little pink line appear, I will never forget what I felt. I was not planning on having a baby, but I knew it could happen. I was in shock. I went and bought more tests, just to be sure. My boyfriend and I went through some emotional days figuring out what we were going to do. By the end of that week, we had decided we were going to keep it. He was a little distant, not really wanting to talk about it too much yet. He was very scared. So was I! But I went out and bought a ton of healthy food to eat, and made a doctor’s appointment. I started taking my prenatal vitamins and read everything I could find on pregnancy and childbirth. I bookmarked every week-by-week website and went through every week so I could prepare for what was to come. My baby was the size of a poppyseed. I kept trying to feel close to it, to feel like it was really there. Thursday night, I had pain in my lower back that would not subside. I just thought it was part of being pregnant. I also had slight cramping but nothing to cause any worry. Saturday night, there was pink on the toilet paper. I began to panic, I knew that something was wrong. Sunday morning, there was more pink but it was a tad darker and there was more of it. I called out of work and went to the emergency room. I was terrified, and I knew that something was not right. The doctor examined me, and said that my cervix was closed, and that it was a very good sign. I began actually bleeding after the exam. I had an ultrasound, which proved inconclusive. I was still cramping. They said that my hCG level was 11. At the time I did not realize that this was extremely low, and should be much higher. My urine test was negative for pregnancy. She sent me home and said to return in 48 hours for a re-test. I took 3 home pregnancy tests, and I sat around with my feet up praying to God that everything would be alright. I couldn’t eat much, I couldn’t sleep, and I couldn’t bear to think of losing my baby. I kept telling myself that she was fine. I was extremely anxious. I continued to bleed through Monday. That night, I stopped and thought that that meant that everything would be okay. Despite all the clots I had passed, I allowed myself to hope. I had a dream Monday night, about a baby girl. She was about one years old, and was sitting in my lap resting her head on my chest, and I was rocking her. My baby came to me. Tuesday morning the bleeding resumed, along with skin-like looking material. I think I knew, at that point what was coming. I still hoped and prayed. Late that afternoon I returned to the hospital for my test, hopeful and scared. They took me right back and did the blood test. My boyfriend met me there, but he was not allowed to come back and wait for the results with me. The doctor came in finally, and told me that my levels had dropped to 4.5, and that my pregnancy was not going to continue. I was sitting in a room full of people, those sitting closest to me heard. I was embarrassed. I ran out to the waiting room and grabbed my boyfriend. The tears had started and I couldn’t speak. The nurse came after me and asked me to sign discharge papers. This happened yesterday. I feel like it has been eons, and yet I feel like it was five minutes ago. My child’s heartbeat was supposed to start beating this week. Her arm and leg buds were supposed to start forming soon, she was supposed to GROW. She is dead. My child is dead. My baby is dead. My daughter is dead. I felt with my heart that it was a girl, and I still do. A baby girl visited me in my dreams. I have named her Poppy, because I called her my little poppyseed while she was in my womb. I have not truly began to grieve. I have not fully realized what is happening, what has happened. I just want it to go away, and I want my baby BACK. I want my baby back. I want her back now! She was due November 6th.

My daughter was too good for this world, but she lives on in my heart and I know that we will meet in my dreams, until we can meet in heaven. I love her with all of my heart.

]]> By: Ama http://pregnancyloss.info/womens-stories/first-trimester-stories/comment-page-1/#comment-3817 Ama Fri, 26 Feb 2010 02:05:04 +0000 http://www.pregnancyloss.info/?page_id=76#comment-3817 I miscarried at 7 weeks on the dot on Sept.21, 2009. It was the day before my parent's 30 year wedding anniversary. A week prior I'd had some spotting and went to ER after work. I work in a hospital. So I got examined and they booked me for an ultrasound the next morning first thing. That morning, there was a live single fetus with a heartbeat of 112-124 beats per minute and a tiny implantation hemmorhage inferior to the gestational sac. I was told everything would be fine but to come back if i experienced anymore spotting or if it got heavier. I felt relieved, happy that everything would be fine but yet there was a something inside me that told me all wasn't going to be fine. The weekend came and I started getting awful cramps. The spotting started again but I tried to go to sleep. I woke up at 3 am in excruciating pain, went to the bathroom and there were huge clots coming out. I didnt want to wake my husband as I didnt want him to miss work and besides, what could he do anyways? I spent the rest of the wee hours in a hospital room alone, getting examined which feels like more of a violation when you know theres no baby. I knew in my heart when I saw those clots my baby was gone. I prayed and prayed and begged God not to take my baby but it didnt help. At 6 am i called my mother and she came to be with me. My husband got up for work and frantically called my cell. I told him in tears that we werent going to be parents after all. He wanted to come but I said no since my mom was there. I told him go to work cause we need the money. I think I was in shock. If it wasnt for my mom I dont know what Id do. Of course that morning of the 21 they did another ultrsound and they confirmed what I already knew, the baby was gone. I had what they call a spontaneous abortion. I didnt require a d & c but it was very painful cramps and such a let down. The bad thing is my husbands cousin and her husband lost their baby on the very same day and were already pregnant again by November and it was like his family couldn't wait to tell me, which made me feel like an even bigger loser than I already did. Well here it is, the end of Feb 2010 and we still haven't conceived. This was supposed to be our year. We even took a tropical vacay during my ovulation in hopes of conceiving then since we would be away from all the stress, but that didnt work. I was due May 10. My 30 bday is coming in April and I dont even want to celebrate. If I hadn't miscarried, I'd be excited to celebrate all jolly and pregnant, but I'm not and I feel old not to have even had a child yet. I feel like our dream of having a family is never going to happen. I would love to adopt but my husband doesn't really seem into that so I guess we'll try a little bit longer then resort to fertility treatments. I also lost my faith in God after this. I know so many people who dont take care of themselves go on to have healthy babies they end up neglecting and I who did everything right had to lose a baby that would have been so beyond adored. I don't believe in anything anymore, the only thing you can believe in is yourself I think. I'm going to keep trying and hope for the best, hopefully we don't need fertility treatments but if we do, theres nothing I can do about it cause I want to be a mom more than anything and I wont let anything stand in my way. I miscarried at 7 weeks on the dot on Sept.21, 2009. It was the day before my parent’s 30 year wedding anniversary. A week prior I’d had some spotting and went to ER after work. I work in a hospital. So I got examined and they booked me for an ultrasound the next morning first thing. That morning, there was a live single fetus with a heartbeat of 112-124 beats per minute and a tiny implantation hemmorhage inferior to the gestational sac. I was told everything would be fine but to come back if i experienced anymore spotting or if it got heavier. I felt relieved, happy that everything would be fine but yet there was a something inside me that told me all wasn’t going to be fine. The weekend came and I started getting awful cramps. The spotting started again but I tried to go to sleep. I woke up at 3 am in excruciating pain, went to the bathroom and there were huge clots coming out. I didnt want to wake my husband as I didnt want him to miss work and besides, what could he do anyways? I spent the rest of the wee hours in a hospital room alone, getting examined which feels like more of a violation when you know theres no baby. I knew in my heart when I saw those clots my baby was gone. I prayed and prayed and begged God not to take my baby but it didnt help. At 6 am i called my mother and she came to be with me. My husband got up for work and frantically called my cell. I told him in tears that we werent going to be parents after all. He wanted to come but I said no since my mom was there. I told him go to work cause we need the money. I think I was in shock. If it wasnt for my mom I dont know what Id do. Of course that morning of the 21 they did another ultrsound and they confirmed what I already knew, the baby was gone. I had what they call a spontaneous abortion. I didnt require a d & c but it was very painful cramps and such a let down. The bad thing is my husbands cousin and her husband lost their baby on the very same day and were already pregnant again by November and it was like his family couldn’t wait to tell me, which made me feel like an even bigger loser than I already did. Well here it is, the end of Feb 2010 and we still haven’t conceived. This was supposed to be our year. We even took a tropical vacay during my ovulation in hopes of conceiving then since we would be away from all the stress, but that didnt work. I was due May 10. My 30 bday is coming in April and I dont even want to celebrate. If I hadn’t miscarried, I’d be excited to celebrate all jolly and pregnant, but I’m not and I feel old not to have even had a child yet. I feel like our dream of having a family is never going to happen. I would love to adopt but my husband doesn’t really seem into that so I guess we’ll try a little bit longer then resort to fertility treatments. I also lost my faith in God after this. I know so many people who dont take care of themselves go on to have healthy babies they end up neglecting and I who did everything right had to lose a baby that would have been so beyond adored. I don’t believe in anything anymore, the only thing you can believe in is yourself I think. I’m going to keep trying and hope for the best, hopefully we don’t need fertility treatments but if we do, theres nothing I can do about it cause I want to be a mom more than anything and I wont let anything stand in my way.

]]> By: Ruth Mallon http://pregnancyloss.info/womens-stories/first-trimester-stories/comment-page-1/#comment-3574 Ruth Mallon Fri, 12 Feb 2010 10:21:37 +0000 http://www.pregnancyloss.info/?page_id=76#comment-3574 I am a mummy to 2 very wonderful children, Dylan age 5 and Darcey 8 months. On monday I found out I had lost my third child! I was told at my 12 week dating scan that my baby had died around 9 weeks, he/she was 23mm! I had a d and c on weds and am now left with the reality of trying to come to terms with what has happened. When I had the d and c I felt as though I was having a termination, I still felt pregnant. My breasts were sore, my belly was swollen...I know that this is because of the hormones still in my body but even that knowledge couldn't take away the guilt I felt as I was taken to theatre. I am trying to get my head round 'why' and 'when'. I'm constantly trying to remember everything I did at 9 weeks looking for any indication of when my baby may have died. I know realistically that the most probable cause was something to do with the development and that what happened was natures way of being kind to the baby, it doesn't make it any easier though. I feel cheated! I wanted my baby and would have loved and cared for it whatever problems it may have had. Nature took that away from me. Two of my best friends are also pregnant and we were all due to have our babies within 3 weeks of each other. Although I am very happy for my friends I know that I'm going to have constant reminders of my lost baby forever, when their babies are born, have birthdays, start school.....my baby should have been having all those things too. I'm not sure how I'm going to cope with that! At the moment I'm feeling very numb and empty but have this overwhelming urge to become pregnant again. I'm not sure if this is normal or because of the leftover hormones. My partner says we can try when I'm ready, other people think I need to wait a few months but I'm not sure I can. After reading the many stories on this site I realise how lucky I am, I have 2 beautiful children and have only suffered 1 loss. My heart goes out to every woman who has been unfotunate to experience the loss of any baby. My thoughts are with you all xxx I am a mummy to 2 very wonderful children, Dylan age 5 and Darcey 8 months. On monday I found out I had lost my third child! I was told at my 12 week dating scan that my baby had died around 9 weeks, he/she was 23mm! I had a d and c on weds and am now left with the reality of trying to come to terms with what has happened. When I had the d and c I felt as though I was having a termination, I still felt pregnant. My breasts were sore, my belly was swollen…I know that this is because of the hormones still in my body but even that knowledge couldn’t take away the guilt I felt as I was taken to theatre. I am trying to get my head round ‘why’ and ‘when’. I’m constantly trying to remember everything I did at 9 weeks looking for any indication of when my baby may have died. I know realistically that the most probable cause was something to do with the development and that what happened was natures way of being kind to the baby, it doesn’t make it any easier though. I feel cheated! I wanted my baby and would have loved and cared for it whatever problems it may have had. Nature took that away from me. Two of my best friends are also pregnant and we were all due to have our babies within 3 weeks of each other. Although I am very happy for my friends I know that I’m going to have constant reminders of my lost baby forever, when their babies are born, have birthdays, start school…..my baby should have been having all those things too. I’m not sure how I’m going to cope with that! At the moment I’m feeling very numb and empty but have this overwhelming urge to become pregnant again. I’m not sure if this is normal or because of the leftover hormones. My partner says we can try when I’m ready, other people think I need to wait a few months but I’m not sure I can. After reading the many stories on this site I realise how lucky I am, I have 2 beautiful children and have only suffered 1 loss. My heart goes out to every woman who has been unfotunate to experience the loss of any baby. My thoughts are with you all xxx

]]> By: laura haden http://pregnancyloss.info/womens-stories/first-trimester-stories/comment-page-1/#comment-3539 laura haden Tue, 09 Feb 2010 18:04:22 +0000 http://www.pregnancyloss.info/?page_id=76#comment-3539 january 31st january 08 i had a happy healthy 6pound 3 0z bby girl Emieliea, she is now 2yrs old and perfect! in march 2009 i found i was pregnant again and so excited 1st scan everythings fine, 5month scan i found out the bby had spina bifida and all associated problems along with it he had a 0.1% chance of survial and most likley wld of died as he got bigger inside me, i had early labour an i had him 18th july 2009 my son michael david mark, born at 1pound 1 0z, i was completly devestated, we again decided to try again the doctors prescribed 5mg of folic acid to take daily for 3 months brfore conception an throught the pregnancy, surly enough 31st of january on my daughters birthday! we were completely over the moon straight to the doctors to confirm the pregnancy, i had to wait 6 days 4 the results to return bk from the hospital 2days before i got the pregnancy confirmed, i miscarried, i went to hand in my disscharge papers the doctor before the letter said yes your pregnant, im worried that its going to happen again , i wld be grateful for a return email on any help in having a sucsseful 4th pregnancy, thank you xx january 31st january 08 i had a happy healthy 6pound 3 0z bby girl Emieliea, she is now 2yrs old and perfect! in march 2009 i found i was pregnant again and so excited 1st scan everythings fine, 5month scan i found out the bby had spina bifida and all associated problems along with it he had a 0.1% chance of survial and most likley wld of died as he got bigger inside me, i had early labour an i had him 18th july 2009 my son michael david mark, born at 1pound 1 0z, i was completly devestated, we again decided to try again the doctors prescribed 5mg of folic acid to take daily for 3 months brfore conception an throught the pregnancy, surly enough 31st of january on my daughters birthday! we were completely over the moon straight to the doctors to confirm the pregnancy, i had to wait 6 days 4 the results to return bk from the hospital 2days before i got the pregnancy confirmed, i miscarried, i went to hand in my disscharge papers the doctor before the letter said yes your pregnant, im worried that its going to happen again , i wld be grateful for a return email on any help in having a sucsseful 4th pregnancy, thank you xx

]]> By: MARILYN http://pregnancyloss.info/womens-stories/first-trimester-stories/comment-page-1/#comment-3520 MARILYN Mon, 08 Feb 2010 09:09:59 +0000 http://www.pregnancyloss.info/?page_id=76#comment-3520 at age 33 my husband and I finally decided we were ready for a child, and I was exstatic, I was ready , and immaculate in my preparation for a baby. after a few months of trying I was pregnant . I was on cloud nine, planning, reading, eating well, and preparing . at 6 weeks I started a light brown discharge that only appeared after going to the toilet, my OBGYN assured me not to worry at this stage as spotting can be normal. However it continued and my Doc ordered me to bed rest , but that didnt help, when I went in for a check up, there was no heartbeat to be found, my Doc did a number of tests to confirm the miscarriage, I was devastated , I had to go in for a DNC. When I awoke after the DNC I felt so empty and an overwhelming sense of loss, I couldnt hold back the emotion and sobbed in front of everyone, I just couldnt hold it in , I was in such loss, and pain no words could explain it . I had some wonderful nursing staff who encouraged and comforted me. after a week or so I felt that if I got pregnant again it would certainly work out 2nd time around( 1st time unlucky) I got pregnant rather quickly, and this time at 7weeks I went straight to my Doc for an ultrasound and there we saw the little heartbeat. I was reassured this was all going to work out fine . I was impecable with my diet and pregnancy regime, I had all the hope in the world I was positive and happy I started a diary where I wrote to my baby everyday. I was however also very cautious , I was aware of how it can all turn in an instant & that left me somewhat anxious as well, I constantly had nightmares about my baby being deformed , or about me neglecting my baby, but I had read that these are normal types of dreams that pregnant woman experience , it is a normal part of the anxiety over the health of your baby. at 12 weeks I started spotting again, mostly only after going to the toilet . My Doc was concerned but said that I should only come in if it continues. It started and stopped and started and then stopped, I eventually couldnt take it anymore and went in for a check up. My doc could not find a heartbeat anymore and struggled to even see the baby, the baby had died early on and yet my body had carried on with the pregnancy. I had to go in for another DNC, I believe I turned into a serious state of denial after this. I refused to face the deep pain I was feeling the loss and the helplessness. after numerous tests were performed , the results confirmed a chromosomal abnormailty . My Doc encouraged me to try one more time , but I have not got there yet , it has been 2years and I cannot bring myself to try again. My sister and my sister-in-law have since each had a child and it just becomes more devastating for me each time I see them happy with their babies , I avoid too much visitation with them because they always think that I want to hold their babies, because I am the sad sack that hasnt been able to have her own, but I cant, I just dont even want to see them and their babies, I dont begrudge them their happiness, I can understand their happiness, but I am sad and angry, and confused about my situation . I have suffered many setbacks as a result of these miscarriages, I have severe loss of libido, and ,my previous positive happy demeanor has become a serious and cynical one, I dont pray anymore, and I cant bring myself to go to church anymore , I dont feel like being around pregnant woman or woman with babies. Dont get me wrong I did seek proffesional help, I went to a psychologist and even went on medication and anti-anxiety pills. not much has helped, because ther are times when I feel such loss, and such fear for trying again. I have at this stage adopted an attitude of not wanting children at all, and that position is getting stronger and stronger each day. I just hope for the day when I can rejoice and not have that sinking feeling when other woman around me have babies and rejoice in their children. At this point I dont want children but I do want peace of mind , I dont know if that is possible , I know that perhaps me deciding not to have children might be a defense mechanism, but for now it kind of gives me some form armour at age 33 my husband and I finally decided we were ready for a child, and I was exstatic, I was ready , and immaculate in my preparation for a baby.
after a few months of trying I was pregnant . I was on cloud nine, planning, reading, eating well, and preparing .
at 6 weeks I started a light brown discharge that only appeared after going to the toilet, my OBGYN assured me not to worry at this stage as spotting can be normal. However it continued and my Doc ordered me to bed rest , but that didnt help, when I went in for a check up, there was no heartbeat to be found, my Doc did a number of tests to confirm the miscarriage, I was devastated , I had to go in for a DNC.
When I awoke after the DNC I felt so empty and an overwhelming sense of loss, I couldnt hold back the emotion and sobbed in front of everyone, I just couldnt hold it in , I was in such loss, and pain no words could explain it . I had some wonderful nursing staff who encouraged and comforted me.
after a week or so I felt that if I got pregnant again it would certainly work out 2nd time around( 1st time unlucky)

I got pregnant rather quickly, and this time at 7weeks I went straight to my Doc for an ultrasound and there we saw the little heartbeat. I was reassured this was all going to work out fine . I was impecable with my diet and pregnancy regime, I had all the hope in the world I was positive and happy I started a diary where I wrote to my baby everyday.
I was however also very cautious , I was aware of how it can all turn in an instant & that left me somewhat anxious as well, I constantly had nightmares about my baby being deformed , or about me neglecting my baby, but I had read that these are normal types of dreams that pregnant woman experience , it is a normal part of the anxiety over the health of your baby.
at 12 weeks I started spotting again, mostly only after going to the toilet . My Doc was concerned but said that I should only come in if it continues. It started and stopped and started and then stopped, I eventually couldnt take it anymore and went in for a check up. My doc could not find a heartbeat anymore and struggled to even see the baby, the baby had died early on and yet my body had carried on with the pregnancy.
I had to go in for another DNC, I believe I turned into a serious state of denial after this. I refused to face the deep pain I was feeling the loss and the helplessness. after numerous tests were performed , the results confirmed a chromosomal abnormailty . My Doc encouraged me to try one more time , but I have not got there yet , it has been 2years and I cannot bring myself to try again. My sister and my sister-in-law have since each had a child and it just becomes more devastating for me each time I see them happy with their babies , I avoid too much visitation with them because they always think that I want to hold their babies, because I am the sad sack that hasnt been able to have her own, but I cant, I just dont even want to see them and their babies, I dont begrudge them their happiness, I can understand their happiness, but I am sad and angry, and confused about my situation .

I have suffered many setbacks as a result of these miscarriages, I have severe loss of libido, and ,my previous positive happy demeanor has become a serious and cynical one, I dont pray anymore, and I cant bring myself to go to church anymore , I dont feel like being around pregnant woman or woman with babies. Dont get me wrong I did seek proffesional help, I went to a psychologist and even went on medication and anti-anxiety pills.
not much has helped, because ther are times when I feel such loss, and such fear for trying again. I have at this stage adopted an attitude of not wanting children at all, and that position is getting stronger and stronger each day. I just hope for the day when I can rejoice and not have that sinking feeling when other woman around me have babies and rejoice in their children. At this point I dont want children but I do want peace of mind , I dont know if that is possible , I know that perhaps me deciding not to have children might be a defense mechanism, but for now it kind of gives me some form armour

]]> By: Ash http://pregnancyloss.info/womens-stories/first-trimester-stories/comment-page-1/#comment-3188 Ash Tue, 26 Jan 2010 21:53:02 +0000 http://www.pregnancyloss.info/?page_id=76#comment-3188 and i agree with Janet...about hating my bodying for tricking me and hating myself for possibly flushing my baby down the toilet and living my life like nothing because i dont know!!!!!! and i agree with Janet…about hating my bodying for tricking me and hating myself for possibly flushing my baby down the toilet and living my life like nothing because i dont know!!!!!!

]]> By: Ash http://pregnancyloss.info/womens-stories/first-trimester-stories/comment-page-1/#comment-3187 Ash Tue, 26 Jan 2010 21:50:29 +0000 http://www.pregnancyloss.info/?page_id=76#comment-3187 i dunno where to go and im freakin out. someone please help me...i dunno if i had a miscarriage or not and its making me crazy. i cant find the place to write the owner of this page or anything. i keep looking at all the stuff and i cant find much thats helping.......... i've been married for almost 2 years and we wanted to get pregnant right away but havent been able to. we went to the doctor and he said im fine but we needed to get some tests done for my hubby. we live in Guatemala so, things arent as easy to do as in the US. we hope to have the money and chance to get the tests done this months, but ... every time before my period i "feel" pregnant, wishful thinking....but this time i wasnt sure, but i was about a week late. i had all the symptoms but i always do like PMS....so i dunno. thursday i started having a weird spotting, but hardly any....brown. and i got excited and thought it was whats it called...placement bleeding or something like that....because normally the first day of my period i have horrible cramps and lots of blood. but i had no cramps and barely any blood. friday was the same. Saturday i started bleeding a bit more, and sunday night was when i really got worried....a semi large goop of tissue came out...it was different than ive ever had before. i got worried, showed my husband, and threw it in the toilet....yesterday and today (monday and tuesday) i've bleed more than usual. especially for the 5-6th days of my period.its not like people say where its huge amounts of blood, but its more than usual and redder than usual. i dont have cramps at all....HELP please i dunno where to go and im freakin out. someone please help me…i dunno if i had a miscarriage or not and its making me crazy. i cant find the place to write the owner of this page or anything. i keep looking at all the stuff and i cant find much thats helping……….
i’ve been married for almost 2 years and we wanted to get pregnant right away but havent been able to. we went to the doctor and he said im fine but we needed to get some tests done for my hubby. we live in Guatemala so, things arent as easy to do as in the US. we hope to have the money and chance to get the tests done this months, but … every time before my period i “feel” pregnant, wishful thinking….but this time i wasnt sure, but i was about a week late. i had all the symptoms but i always do like PMS….so i dunno. thursday i started having a weird spotting, but hardly any….brown. and i got excited and thought it was whats it called…placement bleeding or something like that….because normally the first day of my period i have horrible cramps and lots of blood. but i had no cramps and barely any blood. friday was the same. Saturday i started bleeding a bit more, and sunday night was when i really got worried….a semi large goop of tissue came out…it was different than ive ever had before. i got worried, showed my husband, and threw it in the toilet….yesterday and today (monday and tuesday) i’ve bleed more than usual. especially for the 5-6th days of my period.its not like people say where its huge amounts of blood, but its more than usual and redder than usual. i dont have cramps at all….HELP please

]]> By: Janet Charles http://pregnancyloss.info/womens-stories/first-trimester-stories/comment-page-1/#comment-3155 Janet Charles Sun, 24 Jan 2010 06:03:31 +0000 http://www.pregnancyloss.info/?page_id=76#comment-3155 I found out I was pregnant on Dec 11th at the age of 41. I was 51/2 weeks pregnant. I was in shock but happy. After not using birth control for a few years, I had started to think that I couldn't get pregnant. On January 4th I started spotting. The cramps with clots began 2 days later. 5 days after that the baby came out, still in the sac. I had told everyone about my pregnancy, now I had to tell EVERYONE about my miscarriage. I am so angry that my own body has betrayed me. I hate that I flushed my baby down the toilet at work and went back in and finished my shift. What the hell is wrong with me? Thank god for this website. Nowhere else was I able to get some straighforward answers about what to expect during a miscarriage. I found out I was pregnant on Dec 11th at the age of 41. I was 51/2 weeks pregnant. I was in shock but happy. After not using birth control for a few years, I had started to think that I couldn’t get pregnant. On January 4th I started spotting. The cramps with clots began 2 days later. 5 days after that the baby came out, still in the sac. I had told everyone about my pregnancy, now I had to tell EVERYONE about my miscarriage. I am so angry that my own body has betrayed me. I hate that I flushed my baby down the toilet at work and went back in and finished my shift. What the hell is wrong with me? Thank god for this website. Nowhere else was I able to get some straighforward answers about what to expect during a miscarriage.

]]> By: Kat http://pregnancyloss.info/womens-stories/first-trimester-stories/comment-page-1/#comment-3046 Kat Fri, 15 Jan 2010 13:31:54 +0000 http://www.pregnancyloss.info/?page_id=76#comment-3046 my partner and I, who have been together for 8 years, decided December 2008 that we should begin thinking about trying for our own little baby. We started in earnest in February 2009 after I had been off the pill for a while, and my prenatals would have kicked in. In November, after what I had thought was another failed month, because my "period" came early, I just had a feeling that I should test...my period had lasted 4 days and I bled enough to use tampons, so I initially didn't think it was implantation...anyway, I tested about two days after that, and there it was, a faint positive! My boyfriend and I were so ecstatic, we spent the next few days grinning at each other like idiots! I went to the doc at 5 weeks to get my blood test to confirm pregnancy, and told her about the 4 days of bleeding...she said she thought it was probably implantation bleeding, but she suggested I get my HCG levels checked. the first was around 504 which was ok for 5 weeks. Two days later, it hadn't gone up as much as they'd hoped, but it was still normal. They asked me to come in for another one, and that number had doubled...I was reassured that all was fine, and I should enjoy myself. I then booked an appointment for January 14th for my first scan which would have made me 9 weeks. We were both so excited, because we were going to tell friends and family on the 13th February as this is our anniversary day, and just around valentines. Then, on the 21st December, while visiting my boyf's father for a family get-together, after going for a pee, I had some blood. my blood ran cold and I came out of the bathroom and sat next to my boyf, he immediately asked what the matter was, and I mouthed that I was bleeding. I then had to fake smiles and laughs while we made our excuses and went home. The next day, there was more bright red blood, so I called the doctor and they said I should come through. Because it was so sudden, I didn't get to see my doc, and the woman that checked me was so cold, she made it sound so matter of fact, because it happens every day...which I know, but it doesn't happen every day to ME! She did a scan, and said she could see the sac, and my cervix was closed, but the sac measured me at around 4 weeks, but I knew I was 6 weeks because I temp and know when I ovulate. She basically told me to go home and wait and see, it could go either way, but they took more blood for another HCG test. She said I should call her the following afternoon for my results. I had an awful evening and day, and spent around an hour trying to contact them to find out my results...eventually at 4pm, she calls me back, I ask how she is, and she says in this really friendly happy voice that she's fine (which gives me hope, because you assume that if someone calls with bad news, they don't sound so bloody chipper), then proceeds to say, but I have bad news for you, your HCG had dropped, you are miscarrying. After holding on to a little bit of hope, I had my heart crushed in that instant. I dedided to wait it out, as it was such an early miscarriage and had the most awful Christmas ever. We had a huge family function, and my bf's mom desperately wants grandkids, and kept on making comments, I didn't think I'd be strong enough, but I was. The bleeding was pretty much like a period with some cramping, and a sore back, but the last two days the blood gushed out of me like I should have been in a horror movie. I was in the bathroom getting ready to jump in the shower when it just poured out of me on the bathroom mats and tiles, and I just stayed in there, crying and trying to clean everything up. I think the hardest thing was that I really felt like my partner had no idea. about 4 days after christmas he had to go to his sisters for a bbq (an uncle up from overseas that they never get to see was there), I obviously didn't want to go, but told him to go anyway, and that turned out to be the worst day. I thought he'd be gone for an hour or two, but he left me for 10 hours...and when he got home he was all surprised that I was an emotional wreck. I asked him how he could have gone for so long, and he told me I should have asked him to come home earlier. I then told him that I thought that wasn't something I had to ask for and explained to him that just because the doctor told us 7 days ago that we'd lost the baby...I was still in the process of it happening, maybe it felt over for him, but I was the one wiping away chunks of tissue and blood every day... He was really supportive for the first few days, but I think after that, he just couldn't understand why I acted normal for a couple of hours on end, then would start crying again. And its the kind of crying where you are not sobbing, tears just start seeping through your puffed up eyes and your throat constricts and you just can't stop it. It's not crying with passion, it's crying with hopelessness...I think he felt completely useless and helpless, which made him frustrated...and I know he also greived for our baby to be...anyway, I went for one last scan about 8 days after my first, and she said everything was gone. so, here I sit, 3 weeks after, and in another week, I'll have been empty of a baby as long as I had one growing in me. I really wish that things had been different, and I'm trying really hard not to be jealous of girls who have no hassles, but insist on complaining about every bout of nausea or back ache. I would give anything to be puking into a toilet right now if it meant I was pregnant. The only thing I can think of that offers me some comfort is that I believe that life never throws us more than we can handle, so ladies, we must be super strong! my baby is coming soon, I know he is...and with a little luck and a lot of prayer, so are yours. my partner and I, who have been together for 8 years, decided December 2008 that we should begin thinking about trying for our own little baby. We started in earnest in February 2009 after I had been off the pill for a while, and my prenatals would have kicked in. In November, after what I had thought was another failed month, because my “period” came early, I just had a feeling that I should test…my period had lasted 4 days and I bled enough to use tampons, so I initially didn’t think it was implantation…anyway, I tested about two days after that, and there it was, a faint positive! My boyfriend and I were so ecstatic, we spent the next few days grinning at each other like idiots! I went to the doc at 5 weeks to get my blood test to confirm pregnancy, and told her about the 4 days of bleeding…she said she thought it was probably implantation bleeding, but she suggested I get my HCG levels checked. the first was around 504 which was ok for 5 weeks. Two days later, it hadn’t gone up as much as they’d hoped, but it was still normal. They asked me to come in for another one, and that number had doubled…I was reassured that all was fine, and I should enjoy myself. I then booked an appointment for January 14th for my first scan which would have made me 9 weeks. We were both so excited, because we were going to tell friends and family on the 13th February as this is our anniversary day, and just around valentines. Then, on the 21st December, while visiting my boyf’s father for a family get-together, after going for a pee, I had some blood. my blood ran cold and I came out of the bathroom and sat next to my boyf, he immediately asked what the matter was, and I mouthed that I was bleeding. I then had to fake smiles and laughs while we made our excuses and went home. The next day, there was more bright red blood, so I called the doctor and they said I should come through. Because it was so sudden, I didn’t get to see my doc, and the woman that checked me was so cold, she made it sound so matter of fact, because it happens every day…which I know, but it doesn’t happen every day to ME! She did a scan, and said she could see the sac, and my cervix was closed, but the sac measured me at around 4 weeks, but I knew I was 6 weeks because I temp and know when I ovulate. She basically told me to go home and wait and see, it could go either way, but they took more blood for another HCG test. She said I should call her the following afternoon for my results. I had an awful evening and day, and spent around an hour trying to contact them to find out my results…eventually at 4pm, she calls me back, I ask how she is, and she says in this really friendly happy voice that she’s fine (which gives me hope, because you assume that if someone calls with bad news, they don’t sound so bloody chipper), then proceeds to say, but I have bad news for you, your HCG had dropped, you are miscarrying. After holding on to a little bit of hope, I had my heart crushed in that instant. I dedided to wait it out, as it was such an early miscarriage and had the most awful Christmas ever. We had a huge family function, and my bf’s mom desperately wants grandkids, and kept on making comments, I didn’t think I’d be strong enough, but I was. The bleeding was pretty much like a period with some cramping, and a sore back, but the last two days the blood gushed out of me like I should have been in a horror movie. I was in the bathroom getting ready to jump in the shower when it just poured out of me on the bathroom mats and tiles, and I just stayed in there, crying and trying to clean everything up. I think the hardest thing was that I really felt like my partner had no idea. about 4 days after christmas he had to go to his sisters for a bbq (an uncle up from overseas that they never get to see was there), I obviously didn’t want to go, but told him to go anyway, and that turned out to be the worst day. I thought he’d be gone for an hour or two, but he left me for 10 hours…and when he got home he was all surprised that I was an emotional wreck. I asked him how he could have gone for so long, and he told me I should have asked him to come home earlier. I then told him that I thought that wasn’t something I had to ask for and explained to him that just because the doctor told us 7 days ago that we’d lost the baby…I was still in the process of it happening, maybe it felt over for him, but I was the one wiping away chunks of tissue and blood every day… He was really supportive for the first few days, but I think after that, he just couldn’t understand why I acted normal for a couple of hours on end, then would start crying again. And its the kind of crying where you are not sobbing, tears just start seeping through your puffed up eyes and your throat constricts and you just can’t stop it. It’s not crying with passion, it’s crying with hopelessness…I think he felt completely useless and helpless, which made him frustrated…and I know he also greived for our baby to be…anyway, I went for one last scan about 8 days after my first, and she said everything was gone. so, here I sit, 3 weeks after, and in another week, I’ll have been empty of a baby as long as I had one growing in me. I really wish that things had been different, and I’m trying really hard not to be jealous of girls who have no hassles, but insist on complaining about every bout of nausea or back ache. I would give anything to be puking into a toilet right now if it meant I was pregnant. The only thing I can think of that offers me some comfort is that I believe that life never throws us more than we can handle, so ladies, we must be super strong! my baby is coming soon, I know he is…and with a little luck and a lot of prayer, so are yours.

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