Second Trimester Stories

Laura’s Story

As I sit down to write this, my heart is broken. Today would have been our daughter’s due date. Chloe was born 4 ½ months into my pregnancy.
My husband, Rick, and I tried for over a year to have a baby. Our doctor eventually ran some tests and put me on Clomid. We tried that about six months without success. We just seemed to have one disappointment after another. Eventually, our doctor referred us to a fertility specialist. We tried Clomid again for another three months with an intrauterine insemination. Still no success. We then switched to Fertinex. The second try with Fertinex, and we were finally pregnant. We were so excited. We couldn’t wait to share our good news with our families and friends that had supported us the last two years.

My pregnancy was pretty uneventful. I felt great. No morning sickness at all. Then at 16 weeks, I started spotting. I immediately called the doctor. I was told to stay off my feet, lay on my left side and do nothing. We were both so scared. I couldn’t believe this was happening. The bleeding stopped the same day. I didn’t start spotting again until the end of that week. This time I went into the doctor’s office to hear the heartbeat. It was very strong. Again, I was told bed rest for a few days. The bleeding again stopped the same day. The following week I started spotting again, called the doctor and they scheduled an ultrasound for the same day. We went in, heard the heartbeat, and the ultrasound was fine.

They could not find any reason for the bleeding. We were so glad we had the ultrasound. We didn’t know it at the time, but this was the only time we would see our child alive. We even remembered to bring a videotape with us to our appointment. We had a very active child.

Two days later I had my regular check up and was told I could go back to work, just take it easy. The next day, I started bleeding more heavily. I called the doctor again, and was told to just stay in bed. I was so emotionally raw at this point, I could not stop crying. I could not understand why I was bleeding when they couldn’t find anything wrong.

Early the next morning I woke up with cramps, lower back pain and more bleeding. I woke up my husband, and we called the doctor. He suggested we go into the emergency room if we felt the cramps and bleeding were bad enough. We went in, and heard the heartbeat right away. That seemed to ease our minds a little, but we were still so scared. The ER doctor did a vaginal exam. We were told everything was fine. I was sent for another ultrasound, everything was fine again. We were then sent home, with instructions for bed rest. We just prayed that everything would be okay.

The next day, late afternoon, the cramps, back pain and bleeding started again, coming every few minutes. This time they were much worse. I was so scared and so uncomfortable, I just couldn’t stop crying. We called the doctor again, and he suggested that it might be a kidney stone or kidney infection. He told us to go to the hospital right away. This was our first pregnancy, so we didn’t realize I was in labor, plus it was too soon. By this time, I was in so much pain, and I was nauseated. Rick pulled me off the bathroom floor and got me into the kitchen just as I threw up and my water broke. Rick called 911 for help. They wanted him to get me to the hospital on his own. We didn’t realize until I started to undress that we had lost our child. We both just screamed when we saw our daughter. I was just hysterical. Rick was able to wrap her in a towel and get me to the floor before I passed out. He called 911 again, and they sent help. I was in shock. Rick was too, but he was so strong for me. I don’t know what I would do without him. He never left my side.

The hospital was very sympathetic. They did whatever they could to help us.  Our hospital has a support program called Resolve Through Sharing for parents who have lost children.  One of the nurses cleaned our daughter up and brought her back for us to hold.  They wanted us to have a better memory of her than what we had already seen.  We then named her Chloe Jo.  She was so small, just 6 ½ ounces.  Rick and I just cried and held our Chloe.

I was then scheduled for a D&C right away.  The hospital arranged to have a memorial service after my D&C.  Rick’s parents and sister were there and my sister was there also.  My parents were in Oregon and wouldn’t be home for several days.

When we went to the doctor for a check up after losing Chloe, we were told I probably had an incompetent cervix.  Also, there was an inflammation in the placenta.  We also found out that when we were in the ER and they did the vaginal exam, I had already started to dilate.  Unfortunately, we were never told any of this.  If only the doctor would have told us, maybe we would have made it to the hospital sooner, and I wouldn’t have delivered Chloe the way I did.

In the past few months, I have met three wonderful women who have also had miscarriages.  We meet about once a month to just talk and give support to one another. I’m not sure where I would be without them.  It has been good for me to talk with my new friends and know that they understand. 

So here I am now, five months after losing our daughter.  I think I am stronger, but I’m still sad and still ask why.  I will probably never know the answer to that question.  We started trying to have another baby last month.   The waiting is hard, but somehow we manage to get through it.  We just pray for God to give us the strength to go on. Chloe will live in our hearts forever and she is never far from our thoughts.

Laura, Chloe’s mom

 

 

Lisa and Edward Montalvo
Cleveland, Ohio

I had a miscarriage a few weeks ago in January 2000.  This was my second pregnancy, and once again I lost my little boy, this time at 19 weeks.  

This was especially hard because after our first loss, where the doctors found no baby in the sac, my husband got thyroid cancer and spent a lot of time in surgery and treatment. When he was finally cancer-free for two years, we were told we could try again.

I had an ultra sound at 17 weeks and saw the baby. Everything was fine, so at Thanksgiving we told everyone at the dinner table what we were thankful for. Needless to say everyone was overjoyed and close to tears of happiness for us. Then, right after the new year, everything came crashing down.

I delivered the baby in the emergency room, and the doctors rushed him out of the room. They said he had some facial deformities, perhaps caused by chromosomes. I feel so shameful now that I couldn’t even bring myself to see my little boy, although my husband briefly saw the baby. We were told to have an autopsy done to see what the cause was. I’m scared to even read this report when it is available.

Our family keeps saying to try again after awhile and this was God’s plan, but I’m not ready to hear this now. Soon, I hope, but not now.

Heather Penner

After five years of trying to conceive, we finally had two healthy children, so it came as a complete surprise to us to learn that our third baby had died at about 16 weeks. I had felt very faint movements at around 15 weeks, but they did not increase, and so I was a bit anxious when we went for our 18-week ultrasound.

The technician was very kind, and after taking all the measurements she broke the news to us that our baby had died. She showed us his head and where his heartbeat should be. The news was devastating, but one thing was clear to me. After being given all our options I knew I could not undergo any of the procedures that were offered. I would wait until the baby delivered naturally. My husband agreed, and we spent the waiting time planning.

We wanted to deliver at home, so we would have lots of time with him and not be rushed. We decided to have a small service for him, feeling that we needed to share his short life with our friends, and to do for him the same as we would do for our other children. Since we are military and have no connections with the city in which we now live, we decided to have the body cremated, so we could later take him and bury him where we eventually settled down. These decisions were so difficult, but I am thankful for the time we had in which to make them, and am glad we did things as we did. Two weeks later, 20 weeks into the pregnancy, there were still no signs of labor, so we decided to let the doctor induce me. That too was a most difficult decision, and I shed many tears in the doctor’s office before agreeing to go ahead. Our son, Isaac, was born at 11:50 pm on March 15, 1999. He was 6 1/2 inches long and weighed a mere 3.2 oz. He was perfectly formed and I marveled at his tiny fingers and toes, complete with nails.

We spent about four hours with him. I will always treasure the memory of holding his hand as I slept. This is something I have done with all my newborns, and it was very special to be able to do this with Isaac as well.

Though we will never know with certainty what took Isaac’s life, circumstances point towards a cord accident. The following weeks and months held many surprises. I had no idea that the grieving would be so difficult. We have no family in the area, and just a few friends. I found support on an e-mail list where I met many wonderful ladies who had been just where I was. During the months of grief I found most of my comfort came directly from God. I had known Him all my life, but He had became more real and more present than I had ever known Him before. If it had not been for His sustaining grace, I am sure I would not have found the peace I so needed during that time. He gave me comfort for the present and hope for the future. After losing Isaac I wanted to conceive again right away. I just needed to be pregnant again. After becoming pregnant in June, I discovered this too would be difficult. Facing another pregnancy now that I knew first hand the sorrow of losing a baby, brought a whole new set of fears to me. But God has sustained me through this as well. The new baby has given me such hope. We are now anxiously awaiting the arrival of our new baby girl, and plan to name her accordingly: Kathleen Hope. We are so thankful for this new baby and praise God daily for giving her to us. But we will never forget Isaac, and hold his memory very near to our hearts. My five-year-old daughter often talks of her brother Isaac, which warms my heart and helps keep his memory alive. We know that one day, when we are all together in Heaven, our family will finally be complete.

“But I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11)Heather Penner

Update: Heather’s baby girl was born on March 4, 2000. Both Mom and baby are doing well.

 

Feel free to add your Second Trimester Story in the comments to share your experiences with other women and help us learn about the many ways we endure and cope with our loss.

60 Comments »

  Marlene wrote @ October 20, 2007 at 5:25 pm

June 19, 2007 was a great day. After a year and a half of trying to get pregnant, I was elated when I saw the second blue line on not one, but three pregnancy tests. It seems that as soon as I found out, I got morning, noon and night sickness. It was very difficult to keep anything down, but I was still elated because we were finally going to be parents.

On August 7th (my birthday) I had the chance to hear the baby’s heartbeat. It was the most spectacular sound I have ever heard. (I had seen the baby’s heartbeat a month earlier.) It was a strong 155 beats. I was told that everything looked great and that they would see me in a month for my 16 week ultrasound, where we would find out if it was a boy or a girl.

Unfortunately, that day never came. On Sunday, August 26th I started having horrible back pains and I started spotting. I called the health advise nurse and they advised to just get off my feet and not do any heavy lifting. The pain seemed to get better as the evening went on. I took the next day off from work, just to continue resting (as I was still spotting). That evening, on August 27th at around midnight I got up to go the bathroom, which was pretty normal as I needed to go all the time. However this time when I got out of bed, I felt a huge gush of fluid. I immediately called the advise nurse and they said it was probably urine as my bladder was probably weak because I was dealing with a UTI at the time. They advised to monitor it and to follow up with my OB/GYN in the morning. As soon as I hung up with them, the cramps began. Really strong, painful cramps. I immediately woke my husband up and told him we needed to go to the ER, that something was wrong with the baby.

We got to the ER and were immediately taken back to a room. There the doctor advised that he would do a swab test to see if it was amniotic fluid that was coming out or urine. No sooner did he do the test, than the swab come out bright blue (which means it was amniotic fluid). He did an ultrasound and we got to see the baby, whose heart was still beating strongly. He wanted to get more clearer pictures, as the baby was scrunched up in the womb, so we were taken back to the Ultrasound lab, where the told us that there was very little amniotic fluid left surrounding the baby. The heartbeat was still very strong at 195 beats. After we returned to the room, we were told that I would more than likely miscarry. They advised to call my OB in the morning to follow up and so they could discuss the next steps. Needless to say that was a sleepless night for both my husband and I. I just couldn’t believe that after trying for so long and suffering through a really rough first trimester with morning sickness, that it was all about to end. Our baby was dying and there was absolutely nothing we could do about it. We were devastated.

The next morning, at my OB appointment, she did an ultrasound and there was absolutely no more fluid surrounding the baby. She told us that there was less than 1% chance that the baby would survive. She gave us 3 options as to how to move forward: we could either wait it out and miscarry naturally (however we would still need to go to the hospital, as I was too far along to go through it at home), I could go into the hospital and be induced, which would be painful and could take either no time or a long time to happen and could open me up to possible infection (especially since I was already suffering from a UTI) or we could terminate the pregnancy. We chose to terminate the pregnancy. This was the hardest choice, since at that point our baby was still alive, but one that in the end would probably be the “easiest” (and I use that term loosely) on me.

On Friday, August 31st, our little angel finally started the journey to heaven. I began to bleed once we got to the clinic to have the D&E. They did an ultrasound and I got to see my baby for the last time. (At that point, the baby had died and there was no heartbeat.)

I had my follow up appointment 2 weeks later and was told that everything looked good and that after 2 normal cycles we could start trying again. They don’t know why my water broke so early, but my OB assured me, as much as she could, that this would probably not happen again.

So, here I sit 7 weeks later, still angry, sad and longing for my baby. It’s very difficult to see pregnant women. It just reminds me of what I am no longer experiencing and it hurts.

I am terrified but at the same time hopeful. We will try again when the time is right and I can only have faith that the next time I will be holding a beautiful, healthy baby.

  rebecca wrote @ November 10, 2007 at 5:51 pm

thanks to all for sharing on this site. I lost my baby at 22 wks. on 7/12/07.

  Steff eutzy wrote @ November 14, 2007 at 9:00 am

all your stories make me so sad. i just lost my son at 23 weeks on oct 21 2007. he lived 2 days. i miss him so. i will not give up though-your stories give me hope!

  Jen wrote @ December 4, 2007 at 7:25 pm

Thank you so much for all of your stories. I lost my little boy at 22 weeks, he weighed almost 1 lb. We were able to hold him, and spend some time with him. We had a little burial service and burried him with my grandfather, this makes me feel more at ease. We are now going through some tests to rule out an abnormally shaped uterus,my OB is pretty sure that is was due to an incompetent cervix, but she wants to be sure.

My husband and I are taking one day at a time, although each day is hard, it seems to not hurt as much as it did in the beginning. We are staying positive and looking forward to TTC again, looking foward to the happiness that will come in 2008.

Although it is so sad that we all have had to go through something like this, it is so nice to hear from other mothers, I somehow feel like I am not as alone as I think I am.

  Lisa H. wrote @ December 23, 2007 at 1:29 pm

My husband and I lost our baby boy on November 20,2007 at 22 weeks. We had just had our 20 week ultrasound two weeks prior and everything was normal. I developed a severe UTI and contractions on November 17th. After several days of medications to stop labor, I delivered him on November 20th.

It is helpful to read the stories of others. I keep searching for answers as to why this happened to us, why we lost our child. It is helpful to read stories of others to know we are not alone. We had tried for a year and a half to become pregnant. There are days the hope of becoming pregnant helps me get through and there are other days that I don’t know if I will ever have the strength to go through it again.

My husband and I are trying like the rest of you to look forward to the new year with hope.

  Angie wrote @ January 2, 2008 at 11:54 am

I am writing this with a very heavy heart. After six years of TTC, two failed IVF’s and two early miscarriages, I became pregnant on my own. My husband and I were so excited. After making it through the 1st trimester, I felt relief. At 18 weeks, we went for our 1st U/S and found that we were having a boy. Everything looked healthy. I am 40 yrs. old so they wanted to do an amnio, but I refused. All was going great and I was feeling him move and kick alot. He was very active.

At 26 weeks, I noticed that I hadn’t felt him. I called my dr. the next morning. They told me to come right in. She couldn’t get the heartbeat in and went to get the u/s machine. I knew then that the worst news was coming. The next thing I remember is looking at a motionless screen and crying, “Please, no, not this time”. But all she could say was sorry and cry right along with me. I had become a special patient to her since she had been with me the whole time of trying. I broke her heart. She sat with me for 40 minutes until my husband arrived.

The next morning my labor was induced. 17 hours later, my precious baby was born. Ian only weighed 1lb. 7.5 ounces and was 13 inches long. He looked just like his daddy. We held him through the night and cried. The next morning we had to say goodbye. That was the worst time of my life. We are now waiting for the autopsy report, hoping for some insight.

I want to try again, but fear that my age will be a factor. I loved being pregnant and was never happier in my life. How can the happiest time of your life turn so dark in an instant?

God bless all of you who have lost. I truly feel your pain!

  Erin wrote @ January 9, 2008 at 2:27 pm

The last 6 months has been the hardest 6 months of my 27 years. I found out my husband had testicular cancer and I lost my son, Ethan at 24 weeks on December 15, 2007.

We were given an angel from God, He got us through a very difficult time and in our minds, saved his fathers life.

I could tell you all about my story but, I don’t feel ready. I would rather tell you how I am finding peace.

As difficult as this is, I will always feel blessed. This is just one reason why and let me say, I have never been very religious, in the way of going to church and really understanding the whole story. My husband and I were talking one night about our loss and I asked him, why this had to happen to me and why good people sometimes are dealt a bad hand. He replied, “The Virgin Mary lost her son”. I said “I wonder why God chose Her to bear His son? My husband replied without any hesitation” Why did God choose you to give an angel” I was taken back by that. He’s right. I was given an angel. A Christmas Angel.

Ethan has given me the greatest gift of all, motherhood.

I wish all of you luck and thank you for sharing your stories. You’ve made today a little easier.

  VOhri wrote @ February 11, 2008 at 7:35 pm

After 3 years of trying and failed clomid and IUI cycles and 1 fresh and 1 frozen cycle of IVF, I got pregnant with the second frozen IVF cycle. We were elated and thanking God for answering our prayers and then I learnt that I am having twins – double the joy. In about 8 weeks, I had bleeding twice – one with emergency rush, but all went ok. I left my job and decided to enjoy my pregnancy at home. Then came the all time ‘morning’ sickness, I was again admitted and given medication to keep food and water down along with a lot of IV fluids. 13 weeks and the sickness vanished. I had just started to enjoy the feeling of a big tummy when in 18 weeks in the bathroom, I found yellow and thick mucous. I called the advice nurse and was asked to come to the hospital immediately. The maternal-fetal specialist did an u/s and said I had incompetent cervix and there was little hope. Everything shattered. Inspite of a rescue cerclage, I had dilated almost completely 1and 1/2 weeks later. There was no chance that I could continue with my pregnancy. I got a medication to induce labor. In 2 hours, I had given birth to 2 still- born boys (I did not know till then that I was carrying boys) and everything within me was out. That was Dec 10th, 2007. Since then, my husband and I have had our moments and have comforted each other…… We are still grieving and possibly shall do that for the rest of our lives. But, life has to go on and we are trying hard. I pray for all and I hope that all the others facing a similar ordeal and us get blessed again with beautiful, healthy angels in our lives. Baby dust on all…..

  Cindy wrote @ February 17, 2008 at 7:41 am

My fiance and I had a bit of a whirlwind romance. It took us less than a week to fall head over heels in love and decide to get married. I’m 35 years old, and already have 4 children. I hadn’t imagined I’d ever have more, but my fiance doesn’t have children and it’s so easy to see what a great father he’ll make, plus he loves babies.
Since I’m not getting any younger I told him “it’s now or never.” and within 2 weeks I was pregnant.
I’ve never had a single problem in my previous pregnancies, and this pregnancy seemed perfectly normal from the start.
My fiance was so into the whole experience, I’d never enjoyed a pregnancy more.
My favorite memory of my pregnancy will always be the look on his face when he got to hear the heartbeat at 12 weeks. We both cried we were so happy.
From day one we both wanted a girl and had her name all picked out. Lily Hope.
Then on Feb 02, I woke up to cramping and spotting. I was trying hard to be calm because I was afraid my fiance was going to lose it if I did, but I had a really bad feeling.
We went to the nearest ER, and thankfully didn’t have to wait long. The doctor sent me for an ultrasound. Naturally, the ultrasound tech isn’t supposed to tell us anything, she just sends her findings to the doctor. She started the ultrasound and I was watching the screen, my fiance was watching as well. This being his first baby, he’d never seen an ultrasound and didn’t really know what he was looking at. I was going to explain it to him and point things out when I suddenly realised that even though it was showing a perfect side view of the baby, there was no heartbeat.
It was all I could do to stay calm right then. I kept watching, waiting, hoping that something would move or I’d see that familiar movement of a little heart beating. But it never happened. I then watched the tech as she took measurements of various parts of the baby, and on the screen I could read each one, and they all estimated the baby to be 12 to 14 gestation, when I was in fact 16 weeks.
We waited for the doctor then and I could NOT make myself say anything to my fiance. I couldn’t be the one to tell him. After what seemed like an eternity, the doctor came in broke the news. Our Lily had just stopped growing about 2 weeks before, she was dead.
I was told that if the baby didn’t “pass” on it’s own in a few days I’d need a D&C.
After the doctor left the room, we held each other and cried. I was devastated for my fiance more than myself. I was afraid he was going to fall apart.
What fallowed then were several days of pure hell. I didn’t have insurance that would cover a D&C, it would have to be done as an emergency procedure. My pain was unbearable, my bleeding only minimal and I started having dizzy spells, and anxiety attacks. I go back to the ER, they’d shoot me up with more and more pain killers, then tell me to go home and wait. Finally, a very kind nurse told us that the problem was that it was a Catholic hospital and that she knew they’d never do the D&C. She recommended we go to a certain teaching hospital in town, so we left right away and went there.
Even though the ER was pretty packed, we got in fast because by then my pulse and blood pressure were sky high, I was running a fever and looked scary. Within a few hours they had me taken to the maternity ward where the head OB/GYN took over and made the decision to do the D&C immediately.
It was awful. For whatever reason, they didn’t want to put me under, they wanted to do the twilight sleep. It wasn’t working on me though and I was totally aware of everything.
When it was over, I asked if I could see the baby and was told that due to the nature of the procedure, the “products of conception” get ripped apart. I was stunned, horrified and sickened. By the time they wheeled me back in to the recovery area where my fiance was, I was hysterical. They ended up giving me a huge shot of Dilaudid and Ativan, which calmed me down a bit.
I don’t remember a whole lot of the next week. I was pretty out of it, plus they’d sent me home with 50 Ativan and 50 Norco, which I was eating like candy. I took them all in about 3 days.
My fiance was my rock through all of this. He took care of me 24/7. He’s still taking care of me because I ended up back in the ER yesterday with sudden severe bleeding. They got it under control but I can’t help but think “when is this all going to end?”

  Jennifer wrote @ March 3, 2008 at 6:31 pm

My story is very similar to Marlene’s comment from back in October. It would be great if I could connect with her somehow. After two years of trying to have a baby my husband and I were told we were pregnant in the middle of November 2007. We then were told it was twins. Other than being really sick the first trimester everything was going great. We had several ultrasounds, so we got the see and hear the heartbeats. We were always being told the babies look great and look great. Right in the beginning of my 18th week I got out of the shower and laid in bed. All of a sudden I felt a gush of fluid. I thought it was urine and when I called my doctor he seemed to think the same thing. A few hours later another gush of fluid. This time we were told to some into the ER. I still wasn’t thinking anything could be wrong. Then my doctor did the test and within seconds he told us it was amniotic fluid and one of the sacs must have ruptured. The outlook was grim and I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. We were given 3 options by a specialist the next day and my husband and I decided to induce the pregnancy and try to deliver naturally. After 48 hours of labor, nothing was happening and the risk of infection was on the rise. I had to have an emergency D&E. Everything happened so fast. I think I had three out of body experiences. We had been through so much. This pregnancy was from our first successful IVF attempt, but the year and half prior we tried fertility drugs and IUI with no luck. Now here I was loosing both babies that seemed to be a dream come true only a few days ago. I just couldn’t believe what my body needed to go through. Even after we got home and started to mourn our babies and what our future was suppose to be like, my milk came in and caused me to be so uncomfortable for a week…what a cruel joke. Now as I look at their tiny little urn holding their ashes, I can’t believe the feeling of loss and emptiness from two little babies that I’ll never get to meet. My husband and I are still positive about our future and plan to try again. We will never forget our twins and the strength we are developing from their loss.

  Heather wrote @ March 24, 2008 at 5:10 pm

I thank everyone for sharing there stories with me…..my heart goes out to everyone. I lost my baby at 16 weeks. I thought I was feeling the baby move but it turned out that I was losing fluid and my baby didnt have a heartbeat. The hardest this was just a week prior the baby was moving and kicking and had a strong heartbeat of 171……I felt like I was in a movie and I was waiting for them to say cut and they didn’t. I was living this night mare and still am…..so on March 19th @ 2:30 my baby was born and now is in heaven. I never got to see the baby but I just know my little angel is now at peace….I honestly dont know how I am going to get through this but I know I have to and I know I will but I wanted to share this poem with all the moms on here:

My precious little baby,
Your face I’ve never seen.
Your skin I’ve never tounch before,
Nor held you close to me.
You lived inside my body, but only for a while;
till jesus softly whispered,
“Come home my little child”
You must hace been a apecial Child;
If god Need you up there,
Becasue heaven is a better home
It’s beauty cant compare
So, till I get to heaven,
and see your shining face;
Jesus will take care of you,
and love you in my place.
Yes, jesus loves his little lambs,
they sit around his throne;
so sit on Jesus’ lap dear child–
Till Mommy gets called home. Author unknown

This is to all the special women on this page. who know the pain I am in and numbness I feel. I will never forget the little angel that I had for a precious 16 weeks…..I love you love mom

  Jeslyn wrote @ April 1, 2008 at 5:48 pm

My name is Jesslyn and I recently lost my baby. I am only 19 but when my Fiance and I found out we were pregnant we were so happy. I love my baby very much. I lost my baby very early. Basically when we went in for our 12 week ultrasound the baby was only 9 weeks and then stoped growing. The thing was the baby didnt miscarry by its self I needed to take four pills that would make me miscarry. The pain was horrible I fell asleep at about five am and woke up at 6am completly covered in blood. I woke Andrew up and we went to the bathroom, and I thought I miscarried into the toilet. Later that day I was having worse pains then that night but so I decided to take a shower. About five miniutes into the shower the baby came out. I was so scared. I thought it already happened and didn’t know what was going on. I coulden’t breath. I started to get through up, and light headed. I couldent look at the baby because I was to scared, so I pushed it aside (it didn’t go down the drain) and called for Andrew. He came in the shower and helped me. (picked me up and got rid of the baby)
It was the most heartbreaking thing that I have every been through and I was only 9 weeks… I can’t imagine all of you.
God Bless

  Kristy wrote @ June 24, 2008 at 8:51 am

Hey. My name is Kristy and I was reading everyones stories and I would like to share somethings with you all.

About 8 years ago, I was pregnant, barely pregnant but I knew that I was pregnant. I had not been to see the OB yet. I started to bleed very heavy. My sister took me to the ER, I do not remember where my husband was at the time but I went to the ER, I was hurting, I was crying, I was bleeding very bad.. The nurse came in and told me that I was having a miscarriage and that I was miscarrying twins and that I was 8-12 weeks along and that was it. A few minutes later the DR. came in and said that I was to go home. He told me that I would hurt for some time and that there was nothing that they could do. They did not give me any meds for pain, they did not even act like they cared that I was loosing these babies. I was crying, I was upset. How could they be so cold? Well, I finally got over that. it took a while but I am ok now. I know that god has a plan for each and every one of us and that it was not meant me me to have those babies. It took me a long time to be ok with that.

So me and my husband are now divorced… I am remarried and my husband does not have any children… We have tried for 3 years.. It did not happen.. I even had surgeries to try and get pregnant, nothing worked, I took Clomid.. It did not work.. We give up. We got a puppy and he became our baby.. I went on a diet.. I lost 52 pounds… We were excited about life then one day….I asked my boss had she started (we always started on the same day) and she told me yes and I told her that she was lying, she said she promised and that she had a pregnancy test in her purse.. I took it, It was +, I went and got another one, it was +, I called my OB and told him that I had taken 2 HPT and they were both + and I wanted a blood test, So he ordered it and I went and had it done… With the results to be back the next day, on my way home from work… I got 2 more… All of them +, I cried and cried.. Not real sure now why I cried so much but I did. I could not eat, I could not sleep, I was scared… Then the next day, I got the results of my blood test and I was pregnant… So I was finally ok with this.. I was pregnant.. I went in at 6 weeks and he did and u/s.. I am pregnant with twins… I am in shock.. No tears.. Just shock.. I called my husband because he was out of town working and told him and he thought I was lying… I told him no baby I am not lying, I have pictures to show you then he was happy as could be. He was telling everyone… So, I am now 15 weeks almost 16 weeks and i am scared to death that I am going to loose these babies. I am a nervous wreck and cannot enjoy my pregnancy because of being so scared. Twins run in my family but NO ONE has ever delivered twins. My grandmother was pregnant with twins and I was pregnant with twins and neither of us ever had twins. I am scared to death as I get further into my 2nd trimester that something is going to happen to these babies. I am afraid that my husband will loose it if something happens to these babies… I guess for some of you, this is a happy ending to something that i lost before and it should be but I cannot seem to loosen up. I am scared.

  Cheryl wrote @ October 13, 2008 at 7:12 pm

On July 25th, 2008 my husband and I had to say good-bye to a baby girl we never really got to know. After one year of trying to get pregnant, we were so thrilled to find out that we were given the chance to become parents again. We have to lively and lovely boys- both came easily, so one year of trying for us seemed like a very long time. Deep down, we were all hoping for a little sister/daughter. We were blessed with one, but unfortunately for us, our baby had a chromomsomal defect that our doctors described as being “incompatible with life.” I was 19 weeks pregnant, just the time that I could start feeling life inside of my body. I was in my 5th month, and with a 3rd pregnancy, I was showing! Getting the news on that most dreadful Monday night was the most heart-breaking news that we could have ever imagined. The words of the genetic counselor still go through my head- termination and serious problems….on and on. I called my husband immediately, and he rushed home. Our 5 year old followed me around the house with a toy ambulance, really not knowing what to do. Four days later, I had a d&e. My heart still breaks thinking that that little baby was my daughter who we had to send right up to heaven. We know she is safe there, and maybe we will be blessed with the chance to have another daughter. For now, I can only do what it takes to get through the rough days. They do get better as it has been 12 weeks. December 18th was the due date, and as it approaches, the pain in my heart deepens. Thank God, we have our boys to keep us busy, and help us throught it all. We named our daughter Angel. On October 15th, I will celebrate my 41st birthday. On October 15th, I will also light a candle for Angel who is forever in my heart, and who will forever be my daughter. Someday, in my heaven, I will hold her and never let go.

  Crystal wrote @ October 22, 2008 at 4:49 pm

Sorry to hear about everybodies loss, well im a 25 year old an i’ve always wanted children..so finally the time was right for me on August 2007 I found out that i was pregnant what a good thing i was so happy i couldnt wait to my day came i went to my first doctors visit only to learn that i was having twin boys that was so amazing well when i made it to 17 weeks my water broke on one of my sacs, i was was losing my babies i was shocked and more hurt than a little bit it was terrible so i waited to try again guess what i was pregnant again April 2008 its was a girl this time thats what ive always wanted a princess 22 weeks into my pregnancy i went into labor i was losing my princess on Sept. 06 2008 i had her she 1lbs and1 oz she lived a hour and passed how do I mend my broken heart it hurt so much but i know that god has a plan for me im very scared to try again only to get the same outcome what should i do..Thanks to everyone. Remember stay strong!

  Christy and Brian wrote @ October 24, 2008 at 1:45 pm

It has been a little over three weeks since I lost my son, Conner Bean Williams. I was thrilled when I found out we were pregnant with our first child. We had only been trying for about three months. My niece gave the baby the nickname “Bean” when I was six weeks along. My pregnancy was going great, I was healthy and everything was right on schedule. I went for my 20 week check up and sonogram on September 18th and was given an “A+”. The following Monday my husband and I left for vacation to celebrate our anniversary. We went to Disney World which is where my husband proposed to me and where we couldn’t wait to take our baby in the future. We were having a great time “showing” “Bean” all of our favorite things about Disney. Wednesday night September 24th my husband felt our baby move for the first time! The next day was our anniversary and at lunch I realized I hadn’t felt my baby move but I thought it was where we had done a lot of walking that day and Bean was asleep. By that night I still had not felt the baby move and I was worried. I felt fine, no pain, no contractions, no spotting everything was normal I just hadn’t felt Bean move. We were flying out the next morning and would be back home by 9:00am, so I decided to wait and call the doctor when we got home. The doctor had me come into the office to “ease my mind” although everything was probably fine. After arriving at the office two different nurses and the resident doctor tried to find a heartbeat assuring me everything was fine. They sent me next door to labor and delivery for a sonogram when they could not find a heartbeat once again telling me “sometimes the heartbeat was hard to hear depending on the position of the baby”. After waiting what seemed like an eternity the doctor came in to do the sonogram.

There was no heartbeat… my world stood still. God had taken my baby home.

I gave birth to our beautiful son at 8:50pm the next day September 27, 2008. He weighed 1lb & 6.4oz. We decided to keep the name Bean, so we called him Conner Bean Williams.
The Doctors and Nurses were God sent. They cried and hurt right along with me and my family. I will always be thankful for time I had with my little boy but I still wish everyday that I had spent more time holding him.
We had a grave side service for Conner and buried him in the family cemetery. After the service my niece sprinkled beans on top of the grave in honor of our little Bean. I went to visit the grave a few days ago by myself to have a good cry. I sat beside the tiny grave feeling helpless and alone. Then I realized mixed in with the grass was little bean sprouts and my heart soared with joy. The beans had not been planted and had received no care yet there they were growing strong. I don’t know if you have ever seen the beginnings of a bean sprout but they look like they have angel wings. I know that was a message from God telling me that Conner Bean was safe in his loving arms.
I am so very blessed to have a wonderful supportive husband, family and church. I don’t know how I would have gotten by the past couple of weeks without my faith in the Lord. I have felt his presence every step of the way. I still hurt everyday and imagine I will for a long long time.
Thank you for letting me share my story. This site has been a blessing. Thank you Deanna for starting it, may God bless you

  Mable Stranathan wrote @ December 7, 2008 at 11:29 pm

After two very succesful pregnancies 1 girl 1 boy On November 26th I found out I was pregnant with our third baby..We were in total shock as I had taken many many test that came back negative,but we were ecstatic to be growing as a family yet again..Went to the doctors at about 5weeks pregnant and confirmed..My doctor saw me every two weeks..At 12 weeks pregnant myself and My husband and children,as well as my younger sister were walking around the mall for a few minutes early in the morning..We had stopped for this woman who was selling finger nail,and hand lotions things..As this woman was rubbing my finger I realized I started getting really really dizzy,so I blinked a few times and caught myself..A few more seconds go by and I realize as I am staring at my husband while he is talking to me that I cannot hear anything he was saying It seemed as though my hearing was getting fainter,and I began to sweat..It was very shocking that a nurse had been walking by at the moment of me telling my husband I couldn’t hear him,she grabbed my arm and pulled a stool under me and checked my pulse..I had only eaten a candy bar for breakfast..What a breakfast for a growing belly huh? She told my husband to get me a soda quickly that I was in need of sugar..So he did that..It took me about 10mins to regather myself to even walk again..After that we left right away..I tried to call my doctor but no answer..So I figured hey it may have just been that I needed some food so I ate and the Next day I had an appointment to go see him..

Well,we explained what happened to my doctor and he said Oh well Maybe everything is ok..So he checked to hear the heartbeat..Now with my first two pregnancies we heard the heart beats at 10 weeks pregnant and I was Now 12 weeks with our 3rd..He looked at me as my face began to turn beet red,and my heart racing and says Do Not worry Until I do Ok..He takes us across the hallway to the Sonogram room and Right away there is our little Baby..Heart beating beautifully..As we sat there waiting for the baby to move around It seemed as though he/or she just wasn’t a mover..Until 5 mins later.Finally some movement..Whoa Relief..

For me Not really..I just felt something was not right..From that experience at the mall I just didn’t feel as though my heart could rest easy..

I had an appointment 2 days after my 22nd birthday..@ 4pm..My Birthday was Feb7,07..I hadn’t been feeling well for a few days..on the night of the 8th I had some discharge that worried me a little bit,but wasn’t something I wanted to fret over the wall about since It had never happened before and I wasn’t experienceing cramps of any kind..So I told my husband if It happened again We were going to the ER..Well,@ 5am Feb9,07 I had this sudden Urge to go to the bathroom and it wasn’t to pee..But I did infact pee..I looked and saw nothing there,but when I peed I looked down and there was Blood plain as day..Immediately I finished up & ran to my husband crying frantically..We let my parents know we were going to the ER & I remember the words my mother said to me that morning as if she were saying it right now “Don’t worry Suggie everything is ok”..So we get to the hospital & right away we are seen..Before I went to the Room I had to make another bathroom run and more blood but it wasn’t bright red and I wasn’t in any pain..

About 20mins later I go into the sonogram room with the tech..Unfortunately My husband couldn’t go in the room with me because the room was really small and cramped already..So there she sat looking and measuring & At my very first glance I knew..That my baby was gone..There was No Heartbeat..That was the end for me..I was alone & felt completely numb..I didn’t accept it..So the tech gets up tells me she will be right back and Never looks at me..Doesn’t say a word and leaves the room..Two mins later I was transferred back to my ER room..I mean the trip in the elevator was the quietest ever..I remember the guy talking to my husband asking which baby this makes and as he says 3,I quietly whisepered to myself this one won’t make it here at all and just kept staring at the door..

We get to our room..I look to my husband and tell him it’s not good and I know it..15mins afterward my ER doctor comes in & he has the blankest look on his face and tells us it doesn’t look good,& that the radiologist was going to look and he would come back in..My husband makes calls to my Mother and tells her the news,so on and so on..First came my Moms Sister she grabs me and hugs me..Next My Sister..Then My Mother and Father..I cannot express to you the emotions running through that room on that morning..I couldn’t breathe..It felt as though the life was being taken from my own body as It was in a way..

My father couldn’t speak..But with him without words is more meaning I knew what he wanted to say without him having to say any words..We all awaited the final word..20mins after the doctor comes in one Last time..to tell us the worst thing Any parent could ever hear..

I am sorry to tell you that Your baby Did Not make it..It had stopped growing at 10 weeks..But I was 15 weeks 4 days pregnant..I felt the movement..I felt the connection..This was My Child..My Miracle..& Now My Angel..He explained to us the procedure of the d&c only to later find out I’d be sent home for 5 hours to return to have it done..That day Was THE HARDEST day of my life..

Any parent who has went through this at any point in pregnancy knows exactly what I mean..The words I am sorry are something you want to hear NEVER..

I cried the rest of the day..The rest of the week,No No Maybe the rest of that year and still today..

Although GOD has blessed me one last time with a Beautiful Baby Boy who We named Noah Gabriel My heart still hurts..I feel badly to be half happy..I don’t want to hear that having another child eases the pain because for me It did not..Not one bit..

I am so very grateful..But that loss is something that cannot be bettered or eased in any way..

People won’t allow me to grieve..They say I should let it go..But I can’t..Thank you for reading!

  Faun wrote @ January 2, 2009 at 7:51 pm

I appreciate the willingness of heart-broken mothers to relate their stories; it helps to know that I’m not alone.

We were so excited with the pregnancy of our first child. Shortly after finding out we were having a boy, the situation turned from questionable to devastating. At 22 weeks I lost the baby to severe pre-eclampsia and HELLP syndrome. The hospital staff were excellent and our family, friends, and co-workers extremely supportive. Yet, there was a certain amount of emptiness and loneliness we felt that could not be explained and could not be fully understood by those around us. What made it more difficult was that my sister-in-law was pregnant, as well a dear friend, and many co-workers. While they were celebrating, we grieved.

It’s been six months since our loss, and each day the pain is less. But there are moments of “emotional hijacking” : at a dinner party a first-time pregnant friend was holding her dog, and she looked at me and said, “how could having a baby be better than this” (pointing to her pet)?” Not to detract from the love of an animal, but until you feel the baby kick one moment, and then never again, do you realize just how special and valuable a little life is.

Best wishes to all of you.

  Jennifer wrote @ January 18, 2009 at 11:47 pm

My goodness, I feel so naive.

All these stories. With my first two pregnancies, I peed on a stick, saw two lines and had my babies in my arms.

With my third, after trying for 18 mos., we finally got him in there… Our 20 week scan showed his kidneys and bladder with unhealthy and there was no amniotic fluid for his lungs to develop.

It has been 16 weeks today since I delievered him… he did live for 2 hours and 7 minutes but I feel so naive in thinking that you got pregnant and brought home the baby.

I am so sorry that anybody else has gone through this – It is awful.

I am now trying to get pregnant again… Been three cycles and it is just so awful being in this spot again. 27 mos. essentially of trying… I am so sorry to all.

  Linda wrote @ May 24, 2009 at 8:57 pm

Hello Ladies, I lost my daughter just 3 weeks and 3 days ago just seems like yesterday. she was 23 weeks and 2 days they don’t know why and I have no idea what to do with my self I just keep crying asking why me. this would have been our 3rd child, I am 42 years old she would have been the princess of our all boys club. I miss her so much. My daughter angel linda is now with god….watching over her brothers….love to all and may we all be blessed in the future amen

  Barbie wrote @ June 7, 2009 at 8:25 pm

How sad, yet comforting at the same time to read so many stories so similar to my own pain. After trying to get pregnant for over 3 years and costly fertility treatment, we finally concieved and were expecting a baby boy due August.

That was before we lost him April 19th, 2009. Everything was going fine. I had a few symptoms like mild cramping and discharge, and called my doctor only to be told “it was normal”. I now know that I will never sit back and accept that something is “normal”. Three days later I woke up and felt fine…..only to have my water break in the middle of the kitchen. We called the ambulance and I was rushed to the hospital to learn that my baby would “die”. I had to deliever him because there was no longer any fluid for him to survive. I was going to die and there simply was nothing I could do about it. 8 hours later, our precious Caleb Joel was born at 1 lb. 3 oz. and lived for 20 minutes before going home to be with Jesus.

It’s been 7 weeks to this day and I am so angry and hurt I can hardly stand it. While everyone has been so supportive and my doctors are hopeful that we can get pregnant again, it’s not eneough. I need to know why God had to take my son from me. It is so hard as we approach the summer months and I anticipate that due date of August 27th. My heart is broken and I am not sure it will ever heal.

I am so scared of the future. I worry my husband blames me, even though he says he does not. How can’t he? I blame me. I feel like I missed something and was nieve. I would do anything to have my precious Caleb back.

  courtney wrote @ June 11, 2009 at 2:34 pm

my name is courtney and i learned of this website through and friend. my fiance and i recently lost our son. I have wanted to be a mom for as long as i can remember and in november we started trying to concieve. for a couple months i felt nothing and then in february i started noticing a was urinating frequenly so i decieded to take a test and to my surprise we were pregnant. we were so excited i started telling everybody right away i just couldn’t hold it in. we went in on february 9 2009 for our first prenatal appointment and found out we were almost 9 weeks pregnant. the next day we got to see our baby for the first time, it was amazing. I have never felt an instant love for someone ive never met. so everything was great with the baby i had some morning sickness and nausa and some dizziness but my doctor said that was all normal and to sit down for a few minutes if i felt dizzy.we got to hear the heartbeat at every appointment and my doctor said everything was great and i was gaining weight good. I was eating everything i was supposed to. we couldn’t wait to find out what the sex was.we went in on may 19 2009 for my 22 week ultrasound to find out the sex and thats when we found out that i had no amniotic fluid and my doctor was worried and asked me if i had been leaking and i said no and asked me if i had gotten my downsyndrom test done and i said yes. so she made an emergency appointment to go see a perionatologist. we saw him 2 days later and he did a 3d ultrasound and still no fluid and they kept asking the same questions my doctor asked about leaking fluid and if i got the downsyndrom test done. then i looked at my fiance and started crying because thats when i knew something was wrong.After the ultrasound was done we went into the doctors office and he explained to us that our baby had no kyneys which was why there was no fluid and that he had a mass growing on his heart and he had an enlarged heart and a pocket of fluid around his heart and his lungs wern’t developed and also my placenta was completely covering my cervix which she said made me a high risk of bleeding out if it came out before the baby did. We were devistated i completely lost it and started crying. he then told us that because of all of this that our baby would not survive. we made an appointment to see my doctor about 5 days later. those were the worst 5 days. i had customers asking me about the baby abd i would start crying and hoping that maybe they mde a mistake and my baby was fine and my doctor would tell me that at the appointment, but that didnt happen. we saw her on may 26 2009 and she said the same thing that the specialist had told us and she gave us 2 options. she said we could wait until the baby died which she said would probably be in 7 or8 weeks and they could go in and take the baby out, or we could go into the hospital and they would induce me and i would have the baby but he wuldn’t be alive when he came out. we thought about it and we just couldnt go on with me being pregnant and knowing the baby was going to die inside of me, so we checked into the hospital the same day and they started me on some pills that were going to soften my cervix. i got 1 pill every 3 hours then they started me on patocin to start contractions and i was on that for a day until i reached the maximum dose and stil no contractions so then they gave me shots of something stronger for the contractions but that didnt work either so finally they gave me vaginal supasatories which after about 6 hours finally started to work. the annesthesiologist refused to give me an epidural so i had to do it naturally. At 9:14 am on thursady may28 2009 caleb michael alexander was born at 14.5 oz and 10.5 inches long. he was still born. but he was so beautiful and precious he had all ten finger and toes he looked so perfect on the outside you couldnt tell anything was wrong with him,and they asked my if i wanted to hold him and i said yes and im so glad that i did because even though he wasn’t alive i just couldn’t wonder for the rest of my life what it would have been like to hold him or wonder what he looked like. it has been two weeks today since we lost him and i think about him everyday. im so sad all the time and everytime i see a pregnant girl or a little baby i start crying. one of my friends is pregnant with twin boys and she came and saw me at work the other day and i couldn’t event see her because i started cying, and i feel so bad because i cant even see my friend right now when i need her the most. my fiance is taking it very hard also but he wont show it. he keeps bottling it up and that worries me, we both need to be there for each other and be strong so that we can get through this together. my doctor suggested that we get some counseling done and i think we are going to do that because we both need somone to talk to.

Thank you for reading my story i hope it helps you the way the other stories on here have helped me.

  April wrote @ August 11, 2009 at 2:35 pm

I will never forget July 31,2009 that was the day my baby boy was born, born at 18 weeks, all of the sudden I star having cramps and a light bleeding since the pain in my lower back was really bad I decided to go to the ER they took blood samples and then an ultrasound after waiting in the room for 29 min. the doctor came back just let us know that my boy was dead inside me, it was the most difficult time in my life, the most difficult day of my life according to the ultrasound some how the baby stop growing at 15 or 16 weeks and I was already on my 18 week.
On July 31, 2009 at 9:12am by baby boy Angel was born I remember his hands, his face so perfect. Until today I still asking why, why me why my baby. I pray God to give me the straight I need since I have a 3 year old at home I know I have faith that one day God will give us the change to have another baby and never never I will forget my boy Angel and I know he is looking after his brother and us.
God bless all of you.

  Cheri wrote @ August 15, 2009 at 2:24 pm

I’m 25yrs old and had my d&c yesterday at noon. I came to terms with everything when I woke up afterward. I had spent the two days prior to waking up in post-op trying to get a grip on what how to handle this emotionally devestating turn in events.

I knew something was wrong, but I was in a protectic type of denial. This baby stopped “talking” to me a few weeks earlier. Since I tried sharing that concern with others and having them look at me like I’m nuts for trying to communicate with an unborn baby, I simply forced myself to believe this baby was shy, not like my two year old Anna Michael, she told me when I was like a week pregnant with her that he name was Anna, she was going to come out a princess and would require lots of pink stuff. But not this one. This one was not giving me anything! I had felt it was a boy but he never confirmed for me if he was.

Everything about him was perfect. I could see his precious little bones where they belonged. His little body was still, there was no heartbeat. Now I knew why he wasn’t talking to me anymore. He stopped developing at fourteen weeks and this was my twenty week scan. I was numb. My mom almost lost it but distracted my lite girl who was playing with toys in the midwifes office. My fiancé cried, I knew that he was devestated. I couldn’t lose it yet because Anna did not need to see every person she trusts in her life fall apart at once. My mom took her home for a sleep over and my fiancé and I went home and started painting the bathroom upstairs. Provided us with a distraction until we were both ready to talk about this before the confirmation the next day from the obgyn/surgeon. The bathroom looked beautiful! Pink top creamy white bottom of wall with a beautiful wallpaper border dividing the colors, I thought Anna would love it when I picked her up in te morning (she totally did).

At midnight I lay with my fiancé and finally it sank in that all the hopes and dreams for this baby were never going to happen. All my plans were lost. I had been carrying a corpse within my body for weeks. I felt I’ll, like mentally I’ll. I had watched a program on NoVa that was trying to show that animals feel emotion like us. They showed a mother gorilla who lost her baby. She carried the lifeless body of her infant for two weeks until it was skeletonized before she gave up. She groomed her baby, talked to it, held it and tried to feed it. I suddenly had become that mommy gorilla. I have never felt so much agony over being helpless. There’s nothing I could do to bring either that poor mommy gorilla’s infant back nor my own. I felt primative.

Everything was my fault, within my control before they put me under yesterday. My fiancé is the Most amazing man I’ve ever been fortunate enough to have in my life. He stayed with me until the hospital put me under, his frightened but protective eyes were the last thing I saw before google under. His expression was that of strength but fear of not being able to prevent anything from happening to me after they wheeled me out. I know he felt how I had felt about not being able to save this baby, but about saving me this time around. This mans eyes said that he really really loved me and would do anything for me.

I woke up feeling amazing! The sadness was gone. Grief was gone. I felt like a gift was given to us that minute I went under. Instead of growing apart through this, instead of letting the need to blame something makes us starting to pointing fingers at one another, instead of turning inward and suffering alone my fiancé and I grew together. Though it would be easy to blame me because our baby was lost inside of my body he never did. He quickly assured me that it wasn’t my fault, that he was relieved when I finally cried at midnight the first night because I indeed was human and for the first time he saw me cry ever and continued to see me cry until now. We could have easily lost the trust we had in each other but we both came out of the grief stage more happy, close and committed to our love than we had been a week earlier.

The trauma of this tragedy was a gift given to us from our baby to protect his sister Anna from suffering a second loss of a parent through divorce by teaching us to get through the hardest thing that we will ever endure together instead alone.

I’ll miss my little person and when my flow gets back to normal we will tru to get knocked up again. Emotionally seeing this horrible loss of life as a step toward positive growth within our relationship as parents has totally hanged it for both of us. Yes we do still cry. I loved my baby and my fiancé loved this baby equal to me, in addition to fearing losing me to surgery he felt equally helpless as I had been feeling and with that he placed blame on himself as I had done to myself too.

It’s been less than 24hours since I woke up, but the next 24years will be better because of the gift our baby has given us. I’ll never be the same, I’ll never forget him and it’ll never not hurt to have lost him. But we will keep going. I have now experienced something that will strengthen my ability to empathize with others suffering loss, as I do with every woman who lost a child posted above and to others not ready to share their grief. I urge all women to find the silver lining, what good can you make of this tragedy in your lives so that you are a better person having had the experience in your past? I now understand how to be a parent and wife at the same time and with true focus on everyones feelings in the family I’m feeling like I’m better at balancing everyones needs without forgetting my own.

I am grateful I have my fiancé with me, my daughter is healthy and beautiful and that my sense of optimism will not ever be lost, you need to laugh. It will honor your lost loved one to go on with life with laughter and smiles. They would have wanted to see that, babies always prefer a smile. It’s hardwired for them to smile back, remember that.

  Cheri wrote @ August 15, 2009 at 2:33 pm

Excuse the typos. IPhone makes for typing perfect a non-reality. I hate typos.

  Maria wrote @ December 17, 2009 at 11:26 pm

I went in for my check up at 18 1/2 weeks and my ob could not find a heartbeat so after several tries she sent me in for an ultrasound. I will never forget the picture of my baby not moving and the lack of a heartbeat. I knew even before she said it. “I am so sorry but here is no heartbeat.” I hadn’t had any eason to think anything was wrong. I have two beautiful girls at home already and both of those pregnancies had no complications. I chose to get induced at the hospital. There was no way I could choose to wait it out until my body was ready. I don’t think I could have handled that stress. That ob appointment was on a Wed and we scheduled to be induced that Fri 12/04/09 at 1pm. I already had an important procedure my 4 year old that had been scheduled for Fri morning that she needed to be sedated for and there was no way I wasn’t going to be there for her. That day was horrible. I had to take my daughter to one hospital for her procedure and be there at 7:30am. This went all the way until about 12:30 when my mother-in-law came to take over and my husband picked me up to go straight to the next hospital to get induced.
At that point I asked for another sonogram and my baby only measured at 15 weeks and had apparently slowed down growing and eventually her little heart couldn’t take it anymore. There was no progress until the next day but in the meantime I ran a high fever of 103.8 all night with horrible chills that would make my teeth chatter. Finally with that under control I got a little rest and at 2:30pm on Sat. After my precious baby was born. She was so tiny only 6 1/2 inches long and 3.4 oz. My husband could not look but my mom and I held her. I was able to get the most beautifal tiny handprints and footprints. Those tiny footprints were so perfect. Every little tiny toe was seen so easily. Each foot only measured about 3/4 an inch long. (Those tiny little prints are what I open up nearly every night since this has happened.)
We had a burial service for little Chloe Maria and were able to bury her on top of my father’s grave. I like to think that she is sitting on grandpa’s lap up in heavern. I had several people tell me that I have my own little angel up in heaven looking down and watching over me. I am doing much better here two weeks later but I have a hard time looking at little babies and pregnant people. I will cry almost every time. I had one of my nurses tell me that she had a similar situation only about 8 weeks ago happen to her and that she likes to think that that baby held on as long as they possibly could but just couldn’t hold on anymore. At her burial service it started to snow but only for a few minutes. I will think of her every time it starts to snow. My dear little Chloe.

  Sad Mama wrote @ February 10, 2010 at 12:36 am

I’ve had 2 miscarriages (non-consecutive, thank goodness). One at 9-10 wks. Last month, I lost a baby at 15 wks. This one was so much harder. We never did hear a heartbeat the 1st time and when I miscarried, the baby measured just millimeters, so I didn’t know what of all the tissue I was passing was baby.
This time, we saw the baby on the ultrasound before Christmas with a nice strong heart beat & he was waving his little arm at us like he knew we were watching him. We thought things were fine.
But, 3 weeks later at a regular appointment, there was no heartbeat. The midwife did an ultrasound & the baby measured only several days of growth more than the last ultrasound.
Because my 1st miscarriage completed at home without complications or pain, I chose to go that route again. It seemed that the interventions were mostly for people with risk factors or those who wanted to speed up the process. That was not us at all. I really welcomed the time to process what was happening. We picked out names in case we could tell the gender when we saw the baby. I stiched a tiny blanket & prepared a box to hold his body until he could be cremated. We notified family & friends that we were losing our baby. I cherished having the baby inside me, knowing he’d soon be gone. We cried.
The midwife did an HCG test & my hormones had dropped to the equivalent of only a 2-3 wk pregnancy, so we knew my body had realized that the pregnancy was not viable. Less than a week later, I started spotting early in the morning. It was a holiday, so my son didn’t have school & my husband was off work. We sent the kids off to a playdate. I ate my lunch pacing the kitchen. I was a little achy, but not in pain. Then, I felt a gush of fluid. I was worried it was blood. When I went to the bathroom, there was little blood on my pad, but it was heavy, so I knew the amniotic sac had burst. I put my hand down to catch what I assumed would be tissue (the midwife encouraged us to keep all the tissue so she could verify that I’d passed the placenta and was not retaining tissue). The baby slid right into my hand like he wanted to be held. This part wasn’t as tough as I was expecting because it seemed so sureal to just sit there in the bathroom holding our baby.
We called the midwife & she came to cut the cord since the placenta did not immediately follow. I passed some clots & felt a little light headed (I’m kind of a wimp about seeing blood). She checked me & helped me move to the futon so I could lay down. About 4 or 5 hours after the baby was delivered, the placenta was too & I was so relieved that my body worked how it was supposed to and that I didn’t have to go to the ER.
He was tiny, about 3 inches long & looked just as a baby that small should. Of course his head was as large as his body & his limbs were skinny, but he was OUR baby, so he was beautiful to us. His skin was flesh colored, slightly purplish (not translucent). We were AMAZED at the detail of development- his ears, his hands, nostrils on his tiny nose & white nails forming on his toes. I’m so thankful we were able to see him & hold him & take pictures for us to remember (but the pictures don’t do him justice since you can’t capture the details of those tiny toes, etc.)
We bought a small wooden box that is heart shaped. We painted it white, and decorated the top with imprints of baby feet (not our baby’s, just something we found at the craft store to remind us of how perfect his tiny feet were). I did silver lettering around the box that says “foverever in our hearts”. The funeral home wrapped the envelope with the ashes in his blanket when they tucked the ashes in the box. I thought that was so tender & thoughtful.
It’s been a few weeks now & our schedules & responsibilities are back to normal. I don’t feel back to “normal”, but grieving takes time, so I try to be patient with myself. I’ve started a journal- writing is therapeutic for me.
I have hope that we can have another baby someday when we are ready to try again. But I miss my sweet baby James. The scriptures say that God will wipe the tears off all faces. I believe that all our loses will someday be compensated and in the next life, we will not need to grieve anymore for God will restore all things to us. I just have to have faith until then.

  Claudia Ivette Mejia wrote @ February 26, 2010 at 4:38 pm

I’ve been pregnant three times, and I don’t have any children. On October 22, 2003, my first baby, Elizabeth Mejia Garcia, was born at 5 months and three weeks. She was placed in the NICU since she was born until the day that she would go to heaven. My husband and I visited her in the NICU every day. I remember spending all day with her taking advantage af every minute because we were not given much hope of survival do to her premature age. After two weeks in the NICU and my husband I praying that everything will be fine, we call to the hospital as we did every morning before my husband went to work, and for some reason they told us that they have been trying to call us because the baby had not been stabled since two in the morning, but they had a wrong number. We quickly rushed to the hospital and found our baby in her last heart beats. We were there from a heart beat of 90 going down and down until it got to 0. I was out of control and cried and cried asking myself, why? Two weeks after delivering my baby girl I was able to hold her in my arms. She was no longer alive, but I carried her with the same love I would have carried her with if she was still alive. We had her funeral service four days later and said our final good byes. In our sadness and loneliness and desperation of having a baby we tried having another baby and I conceived in March of 2004. We were so happy full of hopes and sure that everything was going to be find this time. In June 13th we had an ultrasound and the baby was great and her heart beat was very strong “150″. On July 4th at 11 am I started to feel the same thing I felt with my first pregnancy. I started to feel small contractions I went to the restroom and as I clean myself I felt my amniotic bag. I immediately told my husband and he rushed me to the ER by the time we were there I was completely opened from my cervix. I delivered my baby at 8:30 pm that Sunday 4th of July of 2004, and we lost our baby boy, Jonatan Mejia Garcia. I went in for a D&C and when I came out from anesthesia I was confused and wasn’t sure what was going on when they told me that I was not requested to take the baby because he was only 19 weeks and 1/2. I remember falling asleep right after that. When I woke up I was asking for my baby and they told me they could no longer give him to me because he had already been taken. I only have in my mind one small slight look that I was bale to give to my baby right after he was born along with the only ultrasound I had from him. We now remember him and place flowers in his sister’s grave pretending he’s body is laying there with his sister’s. My doctor said that according to my previous case and the recent one she diagnosed me with incompetent cervix and the next time that I became pregnant I would be needing a cervical cerclage . After four years my husband and I still grieved over our precious babies, but we decided that it was time to try again. We began trying by the ends of July of 2009 and we conceived by the ends of August 2009, and we found out I was pregnant when I was 7 weeks. Everything was find until I was 9 weeks I began to spot and I went to the hospital and I was told that the only thing I could do was bed rest until I stopped spotting. I spotted for about 2 to 3 days and it stopped. After that everything else went find. I was placed a cervical cerclage by my 13th week and I was placed in disability until I delivered in May 22, 2010. I had bed rest, no sex, no, lifting, and no too much walking. Everything was find until December 23, I had to go to the hospital because I was denigrated and I was throwing up and I could be doing that because I couldn’t do to much pressure do to the cerclage I had placed. The baby was OK and his heart beat was find. I went home and came back to the hospital on the 28 of December with a really bad pain by my liver. I was given pain medication and send home. I was also told to see my general doctor in a day and I did. Everything seem OK and they couldn’t really know why I had that sever pain under my liver. The days went by and that same pain tried to come back a few days later, but it didn’t. The days went by I had my prenatal appointment on, Monday 4th of January 2010 and everything was great. The baby’s heart beat was 140 and went home. On the 6th I began to feel pressure on the lower abs and when the baby moved it felt a little painful and and I felt pain in the upper part of my abs where the placenta is attached. I also felt little small contractions, but nothing strong. I felt this for about three days and it when away. My Doctor said it was normal to feel pressure and back pain do to the baby growth. I had and ultrasound scheduled since a month before I started feeling sick and had on the 8th of January. The ultrasound showed everything was find and the baby’s heartbeat was okay. We were also told we were having a girl and the baby was very active. A few days later I went to the restroom many times because I wanted to urinate, but when I did urinated I urinated a very little amount. When I did urinated a lot I saw the water like pearly. Kind of like the way the amniotic fluid looks like, but my dumb self thought it was normal to urinate like that. I also had a lot of mucous and I constantly felt my underwear not wet, but humid. I called my doctor on Monday, January 11th and told her and she said it was normal to have mucous at that point in pregnancy, but that if it was smelly then I should go to the ER, but since it wasn’t smelly I was no longer worried and since the cramps and ab pain were gone I thought everything was in my head. Although, I felt something was out of order I trusted in God that everything was in my head. On January 13 th, 2009 at 1:52 am I woke up and felt my underwear wet. I went to the restroom and I urinated normally and went back to bed and I my husband told me I had wet the bed and his shirt. So we try to dry the bed part I was laying down and he changed his shirt. We went back to bed and a minute later I felt my vagina again and I felt it wet again. I told my husband and told him this was not normal and got concern, so I got up from the bed and a splash of water dropped on the floor. I told him to get up and to take me to the ER that my water had probably broken. When got the ER AT 2:20 and they tested the water and it come out positive for Amniotic fluid and not urine. I had already lost half of the water and I was admitted to the Birth center and waited for the doctor. He checked me and said that my cervix was closed and that it was thick and long, but he told me that the problem this time was not my incompetent cervix: my problem was that the bag had broken. He said the the blood testing came back positive for infection. He said he had to remove my cerclage to deliver the baby because there wasn’t anything they could do because the baby was 22 weeks and they need to be at least 24 weeks to be able to take them to the NICU. I was in shock i didn’t knew what to do, say or think. The doctor removed my cerclage around 7:30 am and we waited all day for my cervix to open and It didn’t at 5 pm the doctor came back and said he was going to induce me. By 6 pm my baby boy, Benjamin Mejia Garcia was born. I carried him and kissed him all I could, he was alive for about an hour after he was born. The nurses showered him and put clothes on him and they gave him to me to keep with me until I wanted to. I left the hospital the next day and then I gave my baby away to be taken to the morgue. My husband and I slept with him all night and caressed him all we could because we knew he was going to be take away the next day. We buried him as closed as we could from his sister and he is now resting away from us. His stay was very short, but we will never forget how he looked a lot like daddy and none like mommy : )
and how he pooped on his first and last diaper. On my postpartum appointment I was told the placenta testing results showed that I had a bladder infection and an infection that entered the placenta and the amniotic bag making swell and brake. He said that if I would had come to the ER when I felt something was wrong they could had detected the infection and I would had got antibiotics and I would had stay in the hospital. And as you might imagine I feel guilty, mad, sad, upset and all of this feelings. I was told that I could try in three months again or in six if I thought it was to soon, and that this time I will get the cerclage, complete bed rest, progesterone shot and antibiotics in any sign of infection and I was going to be treated by an Perinatologist instead of an OB. The prinatologist is going to be giving me prenatal checking every week instead of every month as we would normally do. Now I considered very high-risk pregnancy by my the next pregnancy. As you might know I will not be able to get over all the things that I have been through as easy as before, but I’m still hoping that some day God will allow me to have a baby because I no longer want to make him more angels I really do need a baby to give him all the love that my husband and I have gathered over the years. We want to give a baby all that love that’s been stored in our hearts for so many years.

  Samantha Adolph wrote @ March 27, 2010 at 10:36 pm

I am hurtting everyday. We lost our baby girl at 14 wks and 1 day. Just the day before we seen her on the ultrasound and she was great, good heartbeat and very active. I was put on bedrest because I was spotting. I went into pre-term labor, instead of the hospital calling the pre-natal specialist that I was seeing they gave me vicoden and sent me home. We later had the baby at home. It was the most horrifying moment of my life. It has been 3 wks and 4 days since we said goodby. My prenatal specialist says it may have been the hospitals fault because they gave me other meds that I was not aware of untill I went for my follow up visit. Those meds they gave me are only to be given to someone under observation, due to the fact they could cause a heart attack. We wont know anything for sure untill we get the autopsy results back. Every day I sit and wait for a phone call for someone to tell me why my healthy baby girl slipped away.

Neveah Hope 3/2/2010 (my angel)

  Susan wrote @ April 3, 2010 at 10:59 pm

Laura’s Story

I want to say thank to Laura story the same thing happen to me. Except for going to the hospical twice. I went to the doctor that day and the doctor told me that everything was going well. I heard the baby heartbeat, I was 16 weeks. That same night i had strong pain on my side. I had spotting the whole entire time that I was carrying the baby. I went to the hopsical and they told me I was in labor. My baby lived for about 13 minutes after i had him. This story has made me feel alot better knowing that it was not just me. The doctor told me that my cervix just opened. This happen this past week.

  amanda wrote @ June 6, 2010 at 7:42 pm

I had just got married and we were desperate to have children. Within no time at all I found out I was pregnant, we were delighted. I went for my 12 week scan and our baby was doing great. I wasn’t that well though but apart from that the baby seem to be doing well. Then on the 11 th Oct 09 our worst nightmare I started to bleed I knew this was not right I called the docotor was advised to come to the hospital they done a vaginal examination my waters then broke. My husband and I just screamed we could believe I was going to deliver my little boy. They said I would go into labour within 24 hours this never happened. We began thinking we are going to make it our baby is going to survive then on the 16 th oct at 20 weeks our son was born asleep, its the most heart breaking day of our life. Our hopes and dreams gone. They could not give us any answers to why this happened. We decided to try again 3 months later and again I fell straight away we were so happy. I went for scans all the time up until 20 weeks had past and was delighted to find out we were having a little girl. I was back and forth at the hospital to hear the baby heart beat I always just wanted reassurance. I was leaking discharge and was told this was normal my back was also sore again they said this was normal. Then on Monday tiihe 31 st may I was having a bearing down feeling and my back pain was getting worse they said it was a urine infection but about 5 hours later I delivered my little girl she was prefect weighting 1 pound 4 oz. I just can’t believe this has happened again and we now have our two babies in heaven its just so unfair. I really don’t know how I am going to get through this I just feel totally robed.

  Cortney wrote @ June 13, 2010 at 10:00 pm

I am truly moved at the stories I have read. I am a mother of three. Two of my children are beautiful, healthy, full of laughter with the world ahead of them. My third child never had a chance on this earth. My third child is in heaven. I was 17 weeks pregnant when we lost our baby. I went into the doctor’s office for a routine appointment. I had no signs anything was wrong, no bleeding, no spotting, no cramping. I was just really tired. The morning of my appointment though, everything felt wrong. I can’t explain it but it just felt wrong. The normal lady wasn’t at the check in desk, the normal nurse didn’t check my vitals and even when the nurse practitioner measured my belly, her touch felt wrong too. She couldn’t hear a heartbeat but wasn’t too concerned because at my previous appointment, she had to put me on the ultrasound because of the way my baby was positioned. We walked into the ultrasound room and that felt wrong too. She turned on the ultrasound and I saw my beautiful baby completely still. I knew. The doctor came in and took some measurements and said “Shellie asked me in to take a look because she couldn’t find a heartbeat and I can’t find one either. I am so sorry Cortney.” I was in shock. Even though I knew, the words cut through me. I jumped off the table and cried uncontrollably. All of the emotions from the last five years fell through the ceiling. When I was pregnant with my son five years ago, two of my best friends lost full term babies within months. The pain was too strong. I went across the hall back to the exam room and had to call my husband. I asked my nurse practitioner what had to happen next. I didn’t have time to think about options. She said delivery, I said I couldn’t do that. I don’t know if I could. I feel guilty now. I am just still so sad. I had a d&e. I was heavily medicated. The pain was just so much. I am still so overwhelmed, sad and mad. I didn’t tell anyone until I was out of the first trimester. I loved this baby. I still love this baby and just wanted this baby to be happy, healthy and full of laughter like my other two. My kids were so excited for our new baby. I feel like I have to justify what happened wasn’t a miscarriage. A loss is a loss and I would never want to take away from someone’s else’s loss. A miscarriage is just not what happened to me. At my follow up, I was told that I have a clotting issue that is genetic. I formed a clot in my umbilical chord. Why didn’t we know. This could have been prevented. I know that I am extremely lucky that I did not form a clot with my other two babies….Why now? I hope one day I will more at peace.

  HAZEL EYEZ wrote @ August 5, 2010 at 5:17 pm

I am truly inspired by all of you BRAVE WOMEN who wanted to share your stories. I too have been through a terrible lost but not just one, three. Three of my babies have passed away in the past 8 years all within me being 6 months pregnant. My most recent happened In April. For the most part I didn’t have morning sickness and every dr. appt. I went to everything was ok. At four months my back started hurting really bad, and I would spot but every time I went to the doctor or to the hospital they would tell me everything was fine, just try to stay off my feet and things like that. So I did. They would have me on bed rest for a week then tell me I was able to go back to work. That lasted all the way up until I was like 23 weeks and 3 days. I had called my dr. that night explaining to him that I wasn’t feeling her move like I normally do because she was very active as well. Especially when I ate or drank something she enjoyed. So the dr. told me to come in the next morning so he could do a U/S. I came in the next morning and he said well her water level is low, go to labor and deliver for them to put you on the monitors and make sure the sac hasn’t rupture because that’s what happened the second time. After checking me out they assured me the sac didn’t rupture they told me I would have to stay so they could keep giving me IV fluids to try to bring her water level back up. Her heart beat was a strong 167 from the time I found out I was pregnant until the 2nd or 3rd day of me being in the hospital. Around 8:00 pm Thursday, April the 29 her heart beat started dropping and it was taking the nurse a long time to find her on the monitor. I kept asking why is her heart rate dropping, and the nurses kept telling me oh it’s normal because she is so small. I knew that wasn’t the case because as I said since I had found out I was pregnant her heart beat was a strong 167. So I requested to see the doctor. He came in my room around 1 something Friday morning so I explained to him that her heart rate was dropping and he said the same thing the nurses said but I KNEW something wasn’t right. After talking to him for about 45 mins to an hour, he was about to leave the room and her heart beat dropped drastically and my mom stopped him before leaving the room and explained to him ok now you see it for yourself her heart beat has dropped from 167 to 95. So he then did a u/s sound and said well baby Jamare is forcing me to take her. They then rushed me to have a cesarean all of while my mom and I were crying and praying because I had already gone through this before two other times. I had her at 3:45 am April 30. She was a strong baby I guess she got that from her mom. She fought and held on for three days. Then passed away that Monday. It was so discouraging because I as well as my family thought she was going to be the one that pulled through. I believe GOD wasn’t ready for me to have kids. I do believe that in due time when he is ready for me to have a child I will. Thanks again for sharing all your stories.

  Heather wrote @ October 1, 2010 at 2:25 pm

It is so comforting to hear these stories (and sad at the same time). I am currently 15 weeks pregnant and have been told I will miscarry in a couple of weeks since my baby has no amniotic fluid (but has a strong heartbeat of 170).
The problems began at 8 weeks. I woke up at night to go to the bathroom and found my underwear filled with bright red blood. After I went to the bathroom, the toilet was filled with blood. My husband rushed me to the hospital to be told that I was still miraculously pregnant and things were fairly good. I had an ultrasound at my doctor’s 2 days later that showed a strong heartbeat and that I had a subchorionic hemmoraghe. I was put on bed rest and went in a week later to find that it had healed. Yeah! (I thought). I was still bleeding however, and my doctor couldn’t see why…it was dark blood so we assumed it was leftover bleeding. 2 weeks later, I woke up at night again, went to the bathroom and had some spotting. I stood up, flushed and just stood there for a moment. Something felt “off”. Suddenly, I felt something firm coming through my vaginal opening and sat on the toilet…I passed 4 large blood clots. I went to my doctor the next day thinking I miscarried, but all was well except I had a very large blood clot (7cm) in my uterus near the baby (still with a strong heartbeat). I was told I could go back on light duty, so I did and things were well…only light brown spotting (mainly at night). When I went to my doctor for a checkup at 15 weeks, I was hoping and expecting good news. No/little bleeding (especially dark or brown)=good! However, when she did the ultrasound she was shocked to find absolutely no amniotic fluid! I had no rupture and no loss of fluid, so I went and saw a specialist yesterday. She told me the baby has a 1% chance (basically it would take a miracle) since it is too young to have lungs and can’t survive without them if it’s born (obviously). So, here I am now…….horribly waiting to miscarry (waiting is supposedly healthier than inducing at this point) but will only wait a week. I see Friday,Oct. 8th. It kills me because my baby is an otherwise healthy baby girl…the blood clot interfered with the placenta so the baby can not receive the nutrients it needs…thus, it isn’t producing urine, thus no amniotic fluid. This is my first pregnancy and heartbreaking. My husband and I will try again, but we will always miss this baby.

  Ashley P wrote @ October 5, 2010 at 2:10 pm

It all began with me finding out I was pregnant after 4 years of trying on May 25, 2006. It was exactly 1 year to the day that my grandma had passed away and she was sending me my special angel. My pregnancy was perfect or so I thought. When I was 12 weeks I began spotting just a little so I called my doctor and they got me right in for an u/s. When I looked at the screen there was my little jumping bean just moving all around I couldn’t believe it everything was fine I just had a low lying placenta so the doctor put me on moderate bed rest basically no lifting, bending, or standing longer than 45minutes without taking atleast a 15minute break in between and def. no working because I was a medical assistant. I thought to myself hey that’s fine I will do anything to make sure my baby is safe. After that my pregnancy went back to normal. On September 1, 2006 we had an u/s and found out we were having a boy and that everything was perfect baby was the perfect size for his gestation, no bleeding, and no problems.

On September 9, 2006 we were at a picnic and I started having low back pain and pelvic pressure. I just kept thinking oh this is constipation or gas, hey part of pregnancy. On September 11, 2006 the pains started moving across my lower stomach area and was getting hard and thats when I knew something was wrong, this is what people describe as begining of labor so I called my obgyn and they got me right in for an u/s again. The first look the tech. said everything was fine then she took another look and noticed a little water under the baby’s head and asked me to empty my bladder I got a little concerned but not to much. When she took another look with an internal u/s that is when she told me that I was beginning to thin out and my heart shattered. I was only 20 weeks I cant be in labor its to soon. The hospital was only 5 min. away so I rushed to the hospital while the office called to let them know I was coming in and what was going on. As soon as I got to the hospital I was transferred to labor and delivery and they hooked me up to monitors and I was having small contractions. They hooked me up to mag. sulfate and iv fluid and I basically had to lay there and wait. The doctor come in a little later and explained to me that I would have to have an ER cerclage but it couldnt be placed until my uterus stopped contracting. It wasnt until 2 days later that I was getting ready for surgery and I was just so anxious to have it over with and to know my baby would be okay. I remember saying my I love you’s to everyone and being wheeled to the O.R and telling the doctor to take care of my baby. When I woke up the first thing I asked was how is my baby and the nurse answered the baby is good, but when my family and the doctor come around the corner I knew something was wrong. The doctor told me they were unable to do the surgery because my membranes were bulging and I was dilated to 4cm…at that point you are unable to have a cerclage done, my heart broke into a million pieces and I was just thinking, if there is anything you can do and if I have to choose me or my baby tell me…I will choose my son, but there was nothing I would just have to wait to deliver my son who had no chance of surving. About 15min. after I returned to my labor and delivery room my water ruptured and the water was full of meconium and I knew it wouldnt be long until my son’s heart stopped and I would deliver him. Little did I know that my son was a fighter he held on for 2 more days. His heart rate kept going up and down up and down he just wasnt coming out he was gonna fight and it hurt me to know that he was fighting for something he couldnt have his life and it killed me to know that as a mother there was nothing I could do to help him. Finally on September 15, 2006 around 5:00pm I was given meds to speed up my labor and my precious angel was born sleeping at 7:35pm.

Jaidyn came into the world weighing just 11.6 ounces and 9 7/8 inches long I was 20 weeks and 6 days when he was born. I couldn’t believe that I had a son so precious and I couldn’t keep him. We kept him in our room for about 5 1/2 hours before the nurse came to get him. The hardest thing in my life that I have ever had to do was hand him over to that nurse knowing I would never hold him or kiss him again.

Jaidyn was buried on September 21, 2006. Having my son laying right there in front of me and not being able to hold him just killed me, I felt like I was in a bad dream and would wake up any minute to hear him cry or to feel him moving inside my belly, but I wouldn’t. I would never get to hear him cry, watch him take his first breath or any of the firsts.

On September 29, 2006 I had an appt. to get the results back and come to find out I had a placental infection and incompetant cervix. The chromosome test come back and Jaidyn was perfect 46 XY chromosome boy.

  Mary wrote @ October 5, 2010 at 4:01 pm

I just read your blog entry on recurrent miscarriage and how to focus that your last loss may have been the Last Loss. That is very encouraging and very good advice. However, I feel kind of like I am going through my very first pregnancy/loss all over again. You know the feeling, lost innocence. I really grieved the loss of a carefree pregnancy, because I knew I could never have one again. But, everyone told me “Oh yeah, I had a miscarriage too. Everyone has one at least once. Now that you have that out of the way, your body can get busy making babies.” And I believed them. Then I lost the second one and was shattered again. The next time worked out and I had the most wonderful baby boy and most wonderful pregnancy. Pregnancy number four ended with a shattered heart once more. I really thought that since I had a succsessful pregnancy that my miscarriage days were behind me. The next pregnancy had me really worried and sick, but again I was blessed with a beautiful baby boy. Pregnancy number 6 was uneventful and brought me a third little boy, just as precious as can be. he is a delight and joy. I was looking forward to giving him a little sibling when I embarked on pregnancy number 7. We heard the heartbeat, I was growing, we had reached the “magic” 13th week. I’ve never had problems past then. That’s why waking up to spotting and cramps were really unsettleing. And the ultrasound that confirmed it, just devastating. I couldn[‘t believe I was going to lose ANOTHER baby!!! I wasn’t prepared for the possibility of loss this far along. Then everything about this loss has been unreal. The actual miscarriage that took place in the bathroom of a pizza place. I was stuck in there for over an hour. The baby was stuck right at the opening and I couldn’t get it to come out. I bled and bled like crazy. finally it did and I held it in my hand. It didn’t look like I would have expected, I think it was enclosed inside a membrane or a clot, but I could see teh cord and fluid was leakin g out of it. I saw a little dwarf hamster the other day that reminded me of the baby. It was the same size. I dreamed the other night that the hamster was dead. Once I got home the bleeding just got worse. I nearly passed out. We went to the emergency room and I laid on the floor until they got around to seeing me. That actually may have saved my life. My husband was monitoring my blood pressure himself and it really didn’t look good to have patients on the floor, caring for themselves…. When they did wheel me back, I nearly went under and for the first time considered that I may have woken up for the last time, that morning. I was fine with that. But God is n’t finished with me yet and I am very grateful. I have much to be thankful for, but I have a lot to recover from too. I am very anemic and for about 2 weeks, very weak. I am now back to”normal”. Every thing that I do that takes me a little closer to pre crisis activities and lifestyle is good and a reason to celebrate, bu it also really hurts. It’s like going to the gym for the first time in a long time. It hurts. Going to the mailbox, library, grocery store, church, playing the piano, taking out the trash. It hurts. But it’s good for me, too. I am ready to stop being an invalid. But I want my doctor to pay more attention to what might be wrong!!!1 No one can convince me that four miscarriages is normal!!! IT’S NOT!!!! So what if they weren’t concurrent. I am twenty five and have been pregnant 7 times in seven years with a success rate under 50%. I am counted as having a good sized family with three children. But I have four in heaven! If they had all survived, I’d have a really large family. We would be almost there with the eight we dreamed of having. I know that God has His purposes in all this and I pray that He will guide us to know if there is anything wrong that we could fix. I feel so helpless not being able to protect my babies. I dream about my children, other children, hamsters, being sick or hurt or dead and there is nothing I can do for them. I know I am going to get through this. God is bringing me through. But I am so scared that this pattern of loss, success, loss will dog me for the rest of my childbearing days. I want answers

  Maggie wrote @ December 2, 2010 at 12:24 pm

Thank you for sharing all your stories. I lost my baby girl on Oct 30th and the sadness is always with me. Although I have amazing support from my husband, parents, and friends I still feel very alone. It was so helpful to read about other women’s stories and realize I am not alone.

  Kellie wrote @ January 14, 2011 at 12:24 pm

I lost my baby 4 days ago. The baby that we were convinced was a boy (the mdwife, my friend and I all saw what we thought was a penis), now the autopsy says it was a normally developed female. That’s just one unfortunate event in a series of many unfortunate events in my life lately. 8 months ago after many years of battling a heart rhythm issue, I finally was implanted with a pacemaker. I have a 7-year-old daughter and a 5-year-old son. I had two miscarriages in between the two, one at 8 wks and one at 5 wks. Due to these circumstances we had decided we were done having children. Then, much to our surprise, a couple months before my husband was to have a vasectomy I wound up pregnant. Due to my pacemaker and heart issues, the docs were concerned for my welfare and had even suggested terminating the pregnancy. Little did they know that my heart would be fine, my pregnancy would succumb to an infection that is at this time is still unknown. I’m angry that god or the powers that be decided to give us a pregnancy that we didn’t want in the first place, let us keep him long enough to love him, then take him away from us. The delivery was horrible. They were pushing antibiotics like crazy to try to eliminate the infection in the hopes that the cramping and bleeding would stop. After 24 hours of being in the hospital my water broke. 7 hours later our baby was born. I’m struggling, I’m struggling more than I ever thought I would and would give anything to have him back. If it’s even a him. The midwife and nurses were so very helpful, but we didn’t know what to do with the baby. I see so many people here buried their babies or cremated them and kept their ashes. We just sent ours away for an autopsy and now I don’t know what will happen to him. I regret this somewhat, but my husband thinks it will just prolong our pain. He didn’t want to name him, but after two days I told him I needed to, so we did. We named him Walker. Now, with the gender confusion, I’m left confused and angry, but we have decided for our children’s sakes to let him stay a him. Now I’m left wondering what was wrong with me or what I did to get this infection that attacked my baby and wishing I would have acted on the early signs I was noticing that something wasn’t quite right. I can only hope that as time goes on the guilt will lift and my life will feel normal again.

  Leanne wrote @ January 18, 2011 at 11:57 pm

I have read with such sadness your stories. I have had 4 m/c’s in the last 18 months and am currently pregnant again. We had given up having another child knowing we were so blessed with three daughters already. But here I am at almost 12 weeks pregnant and I rented a doppler device, we have heard the heartbeat almost every day. I’m so scared because I’m starting to fall in love with my little heartbeat and my growing bump. Can I have a baby after 4 miscarriages? I sure hope so even though all the statics are against me.
I hope everyone here continues to try. I am planting a white rose bush in our garden this spring in memory of my lost babies and I hope to keep this one in my belly for a few more months.
Hope to all.

  Mary wrote @ January 20, 2011 at 5:16 pm

I lost my baby 7 days ago. This was my second pregnancy. Everything seemed to be going fine. Almost too fine. With my first I had all the classic pregnancy “symptoms”. With this one, almost none. A little nausea here and there, perhaps some fatigue, but really I “felt great”. That had me a little concerned, since I’d heard that the more symptoms you have the more your body is “aware” of it being pregnant, and that’s a good thing. But I never thought it would end in tragedy.

Last Monday we went in for our regular check-up at 17 weeks. The Dr. measured my uterus to be typical size for 16 weeks, but that didn’t seem to be reason for alarm. Then he couldn’t find a heartbeat. He said that sometimes happens and went to turn on the ultrasound machine just to “make sure”. I knew something was wrong. I’d never had a problem with finding the heartbeat before, with either pregnancy. They were always loud and normal. We went in for the ultrasound and still, no noise. At first I was afraid to look at the screen. Afraid to see my baby not moving, dead. If something was wrong I wanted to remember it healthy. But then I gathered up the courage and looked. There was the baby, perfect as could be. Perfect, but still. Then the Dr. pointed out the baby’s heart and said it wasn’t beating. I already knew. He measured the head and said it was 16 weeks.

We don’t know why our baby stopped living. We probably never will. Four days later we went to the hospital to get induced. My body never realized it’s baby had gone on. Six hours after I was induced my beautiful baby boy was born – still.

When I first found out I had lost my baby I thought it would be easier if we never saw it, never found out the gender, just tried to “forget” and go on. During the days that we waited to deliver we realized, this IS our baby and we want to know who it is! But still, even after he was born, I wasn’t sure if I would be able to look at him. We were so early, only 17 weeks, would he look “scary”? My mom and my husband were with me when I delivered. They both decided to see him (they were the ones who told me it was a “him”). I asked my husband if he was “gross” or if I’d want to see him. He said I’d probably want to, and I’m so glad he did. Sure, he didn’t look full-term at all. His head was very large and his limbs so tiny. But still, he was perfect. Perfect hands and feet. Perfect mouth and eye sockets. Perfect little “boy part”. Just so very tiny.

We decided to name him and have him cremated and buried. We will be putting him in the ground today. We will always miss him, our little boy we never got to know.

  rosse balladares wrote @ September 9, 2011 at 1:24 am

I can relate to all and sorry for your losses..mined happened 08/30/2011 I was 19 weeks and 4 days..her name was Natalie Moreno. I started having small spots at 3 months pregnant and would ask on my doctors appointments and they would say it was normal..then I had a small fall which was nothing and the next day I started spotting and it was more noticeable when I wiped..I ended up in ER and they said everything look great no sign of the cervix being open and the size was perfect, heartbeat was excellent. Then the next week after that I was doing breakfast and a small leak of blood came out got worried and rush to ER again, they did a lot of exams and everything was perfect the only thing they can say is that they don’t know why the bleeding and some women bleed through there pregnancy,so I went back home. Four days later I woke up in the morning and pee with the toilet full off blood,rushed again to ER which send me to obgyn and they run more test then usually and did not fine nothing again I was put in bed rest for 2 weeks..3 days later which came to be a weekend my 2 older kids where taken to my sister in law house and husband stayed to keep me in bed and do everything stress free,had the most wonderful weekend ever till that sunday nigh I started having cramps from no where and was very uncomfortable. I called they said if it got worst go to the ER it calm down so I went to sleep and at midnight I had a use the restroom badly and as soon as I got out of bed I felt a lot of water come out and I thought I had pee..this never happened before so when I went to obgyn they saw the heartbeat but no fluid…I had a feeling what he was gonna say,they send me to labor and delivery to run more test. My heart dropped and had a bad feeling. Labor and delivery runned more test and came back with the bad news that my water had broke. Either we had to terminate or wait till and see if the sac would build more fluid but the changes were almost close to none,in my head I was just hearing them say u have to kill your baby while the husband and I cried I was telling them that I was not gonna kill my baby if it is god will she live if not I would not be the one who made up that decision while I had my sister in law saying we had too due to the risk and the consequences. By the time we were making out minds my pains started worsening and the bleeding was worst, it hit me that I was going into labor as I saw the IV injected and the pain killer injected all I could think of was why? Why her ? Why me? Why like this?..so after hours of labor she was born asleep..my angel was 9 inches long and weight halve a pound and I could just hear the doctor say that I did not do it,she did it herself not to blame myself. My angel was beautiful had her 5 min and then they wrap her up and took her. No answer on why yet and I will never get them. The pain is unbearable and now I’m face with the whole funeral and its hard. Its been a little pass one week and the pain worsens every day and even dough I know my angel Natalie is with out father the mind tells u its for a reason and she is an angel now the hearth does not. I’m sorry ladies and may god bless u all.

  pattyjean wrote @ November 12, 2011 at 4:50 pm

Lost my baby 23 weeks 26 weeks with remaining twin

  Lou wrote @ March 31, 2012 at 1:25 pm

I’m 22 years old and lost my little boy at 5 months pregnant, everything was going fine then one day I suffered some pains which I fought was just the normal pains you get, but i was wrong later that day my water broke I got rushed to hospital and later had my baby Harvey who sadly didn’t make it. They had no reason why I had all tests done and everything was fine. I feel pregAnt again around a year later and same time 5 months in to my pregnancy I felt the same pain so I took myself to hospital and and it was happening again I coudlt belive it. Why me ! I had more tests done and now they say the only thing they can think
Of is the stich and injections every day . 2 years later I really Want to try but so scared and I think I’m strong but I have my days : ( x

  jackie wrote @ July 2, 2012 at 7:03 am

still hurting

  dee wrote @ August 8, 2012 at 10:43 pm

Hello. This was my first pregnancy. It was unexpected but I became excited and accepted it. When I found out I was pregnant me and the father were facing a possible break up. But we decided to make it work. The first 6-8weeks everything was good. He was there for me and the whole nine yards. Then after that his past started following him and we just couldn’t get it right. At 8 weeks I broke up with him. Hardly heard from him. And we didn’t see eachother much or talked much. I cried just about every day bcuz I never been pregnant. Was away from family and friends. Had no one. And no boyfriend. I would try to reach out to the father because of course I still loved him but that never worked out. Then at 16 weeks. Had a normal doc.visit and no heartbeat. I found out I lost my son. I was in shock and devestated . I notified the father and he stayed at the hospital with me. I was induced . Went into labor and delivered my baby boy. Still born. At the hospital me and the father cried. He expressed his feelings about us and the baby. I was happy but mote hurt that it took our baby dying for me to know how he felt. It’s been two weeks. I still cry but not as often. I was hit with a double bcuz I’m dealing with a loss of my son and the relationship with his father. God has kept me during this time. But just like an open wound. It needs time to heal and that’s what I am giving my body. Heart. And soul.

  Sandy wrote @ August 21, 2012 at 4:56 am

I have had 3 MC now.
First two were in 1st trimesters.

Latest loss was last month.
It was discovered @ 20 weeks scan.
I had passed a couple of blood clots in my discharge the day before.

I had to insist on a scan as the doctor thought the clots were nothing to worry about since I had no stomach pain or excessive bleeding. But I just had a feeling something wasn’t right. And I certainly wasn’t going to “wait and observe if it got worse” any longer.

My husband is a positive person and he tried to encourage me that all was okay.
He checked the Internet and found that clots during pregnancy can be simply due to over stretched veins.

I searched the Internet myself and found everything “bad” about passing blood clots during 2nd trimester.
Something just wasn’t right to me.
I had to tell my husband to be prepared for bad news just in case.

Unfortunately (probably the only time i didnt want to be) I was right!
We went into the hospital. Even though I tried to prepare myself for bad news, my husband and I were shocked when we couldn’t see the heart beat on the monitor.
I guess you can never be fully prepared for something like this.

The doctor actually seemed quite shocked himself.
He said it was very rare that this happens at 20 weeks.

My husband and I expected things to go more smoothly this time round after we got past 13 weeks.
But it wasn’t to be the case.

The doctor said he couldn’t find a reason from the scans what may have caused the loss.

I had to be induced the next day which took 14 hours.
The baby slipped out very fast unexpectedly while i was standing.

I felt something fall out and down my legs and I remember screaming but did not dare look down.
A Nurse had to run over and grab it.
I asked if it really was the baby that fell out.
I was told it was and not to look.
That’s sadly what I last remember of our baby girl.

The nurses took the baby away to take photos and make a foot print for us to take away.

unfortunately, those were the last moments my husband saw of our baby too.

This all happened last month.

I still feel a lot of grief and sometimes anger.
I definitely have the patterns of feeling okay for days and then suddenly feel down or angry again.

It doesn’t help that there is a lack of people i can talk to who can empathise and will understand what I’ve been through.

Firstly, I’ve been brought up in a culture where if there is no obvious reason (i.e. was in an accident, or have a known underlying medical condition) then a MC is inevitably your fault.

Worst response I’ve had after telling the news of the loss was “What did you do?”…..and then…..”you must have done something!”…..then it goes on……”why didn’t you do this”……..to……….”I told you to do that”.
This is even from family members.

There are traditional beliefs with things you shouldn’t do when pregnant in this culture, such as……..
You shouldn’t tell everyone about the pregnancy because when they congratulate you, the baby gets angry and dies.

Then there are some friends who don’t really understand because they haven’t been through what I have, and have children themselves.
The response is usually “oh, it’s okay! You’re still young. You can try again soon enough and will have a baby one day”.

Then there are a lot of acquaintances and inconsiderate gossipers around who want to know “everything”. Always asking, “when are you going to have babies?” and “Do you want babies?”.
Bad thing is, some of them even know about my previous MCs (although don’t mention the actual MCs to my face).

Why don’t people get it that if people don’t answer directly or don’t tell you themselves, then they simply don’t want to tell you?
I’m quite a personal and private person.

But that’s what I’m trying to leave behind now.
I’m trying to focus on the future now and try to be positive about things.

I’m going to stay away from many people from now on and focus on ourselves (my husband and i) and what we need. I am tired of getting the same “unwanted response” from other people. The grief seems to come back when I have to talk to other people about the loss. I feel I can move on better without seeing or talking to these people.

My husband and I hope to try again in a few months later this year.

I do get worried (naturally) being 37 years old now and having had 3 MCs and no children yet.

We both love children, but we are unlikely to adopt.
It’s just very different having your own children.

We did have a few tests before I left the hospital.
My thyroid test result was normal.
The doctor said I also didn’t have any anti immunity disease.
The baby apparently had no chromosomal defects either.
And the placenta apparently seemed okay.

So all we can do is try again and as the doctor said, be more closely and regularly monitored.

Sorry for long post here.
I think I feel better typing this out.
I guess it’s my way of shouting it out to people who can understand better.

Fingers crossed we will be successful next pregnancy.

  Sandy wrote @ August 21, 2012 at 5:11 am

Just read more of the previous posts from others.
I feel the same as Maggie.
Reading these experiences of others I don’t feel as alone anymore.
I wish our hopes and dreams will be fulfilled one day with happy healthy babies.

  Chantell wrote @ September 13, 2012 at 2:59 pm

I am sorry to hear these losses myself has just had a loss I was 19 weeks 1day my water broke when I went to the hospital the doctors had done a scan and my baby was still alive heart beat was good but had no fuiled around the baby I just had to wait the next morin at 9:10 I give birth to a little girl my princess was with me and my partner for 4 days I found it hard to hold her and just before I went home I just about felt her face I so wish I had hold her I feel so much guilt and keep asking god why this is our first baby some days I feel ok but then feel bad and start crying or thinking I just don’t know what to do and if I will ever move on .

  Vicki wrote @ December 20, 2012 at 7:41 pm

Its Nice to read that there is other women that has been threw what i have gone threw myself.
My partner on i finally got pregnant after been together for over 5 years never once got pregnant then i was told by my doctor i had polycystic ovary syndrome so i lost alot of my weight after all that because if i didn’t loose the weight there would be no chance for me to be pregnant.
We where so happy after all this time to get pregnant we have wanted a family for so long i made it into the second trimester to 16 weeks 2 days then i started cramping i didn’t understand what was happening because i had never been pregnant before then my water broke i went to the hospital they told me there is no fluid left in the sack and that my baby wouldn’t survive .So i let them induce me a had my baby boy two days later it broke my heart i cried for hours and days it really hurt that was in Feburary 2012.
I went threw alot this year in july i lost my dad to cancer it was very hard we where not trying for another baby but less then a month after my dad passed away i fell pregnant.
I thought it was a sign from my dad because he took it so hard when i lost my first baby.I was so happy but it wasn’t to be on December the 10th this year my water broke again .So i was going threw it a second time it breaks you in to. I was induced again .Nobody around really understands how hard it is and made it more harder it was due to be born in may two days after my birthday it would be a gemini baby and a girl .I have always dreamed i having a little girl born by my birthday it broke my heart.Now the doctors think i have a incompetent cervix that’s why i carry right up to 16 weeks both pregnancy then my water just breaks its hard because the heart beat is so strong.i feel gulity everybody tells me its not my fault but when you have wanted something for so long and its taken from you .Its just hard you know everybody says everything happens for a reason but to be honest what reason is that? I just know that my son and daughter and up in spirit with my dad and that he will take care of them into one day i get to see them again.

  chanell wrote @ January 4, 2013 at 5:00 pm

I lost my bby 4th dec 2012 it was my 2nd pregnancy , I was 16weeks n 5days I cont deal with it I cont sleep at night I’m thinking a lot of things must I go see someone?

  Alexus wrote @ February 2, 2013 at 6:18 am

I lost my baby at 6months pregnant.I was in the bath tub 1 day and something of a funny color came out of me I called my mom cause at the time I was only (17) &my mom told me it maybe discharge and to tell the doctor cause I had a doctors apt the next day at 8:45am well I was having stomach pains all that day and I decided to lay down and just tell my doctor the next morning so I went to the restroom and the had some spotting and decided to gothoght everything was ok after the tol me they where just going to stich me up cause I was dialating and send me home.But I had to go to another hospital to receive those stitches well when I arrived to the other hospital the man told e I was having a misscaruage and that my baby was brich the man did not give me an option to have a c section at all he just put me in a room to the ER and when I arrived I was told to pee in a cup well when I went to the restroom to do so In had my baby well he pulled her out of me while I was swuatting and that was then end of it that really tore me up cause my baby girl so devloped more than i thoght she even had hair i wish tht doc would have did more to try and save her my life have not been comelete since that happend to me..Iwas also able to keep my baby in the room with me for a day I cried for about two weeks couldnt sleep but i havea supportive family who help me get tgrew it and with god st soooo muand ch bloood in my pants and I immediately called the doctor and they gave me a sonnogram andthpght eve my baby girl was movibgand being very active as always tried to use it well as I was pushing something didn’t feel right.So I

  Alexus wrote @ February 2, 2013 at 6:19 am

Sorry for so many erros ^^^^^^^^ I was typing fast

  Vicki wrote @ February 4, 2013 at 12:23 am

Chanell
I know what its like to loose a baby at that stage as well and its not easy at all,Maybe it would be good to talk to somebody else how you feel i’m sure every country have support groups available.
should try and find one in your area because it helps being able to talk to somebody who feels like you do.Because nobody understands like another women who has been threw what you are going threw at the moment.Even talking to your doctor is good mine really helped me because i blamed myself , i have gone threw two 2nd trimester miscarriaged both at 16 weeks . Be strong and i hope everything goes good for you rememeber it takes time to heal from a loss :)Take care

  Elizabeth in Tx wrote @ March 21, 2013 at 4:41 pm

My third pregnancy started out so joyous. I had been lucky to have two beautiful kids with no difficulties getting pregnant. I was so relaxed about getting pregnant with our third child and went in at 8 weeks for first appointment and sonogram- everything was great. We went in again for a regularly scheduled 12 week appt and sono and saw our beautiful little boy dancing, with a strong heartbeat of 167. We were so happy. We waited excitedly for our anatomy scan at 18w5d. I was happy, and healthy and progressing just as I had with the other two pregnancies.

March 5, 2013
When the sono tech put the wand on my belly, I thought for a second that Andrew was really sleeping soundly, cradled at the bottom of my uterus. He looked like a cat all curled up. When she moved the wand and he didn’t move, I started to get concerned. My boyfriend casually said,”Wake him up, Mama.” He had no idea what was going on. I asked the tech if she saw a heartbeat and she stated Andrew was just in a weird position. I asked her to doppler for a heartbeat and she kept saying it was his position. I started to cry and my boyfriend said,”Elizabeth, what’s going on?” He was holding our daughter in his arms and did not know what to do. At that moment, the senior sonogram tech (whom I have known for over ten years) came in and asked what was going on. I said,”Joe please!” He sat down and put the wand on for about 3 seconds and stood right back up. He looked so sorrowful and told us there was no heartbeat. I just wailed. I know it was so loud because my daughter started screaming and I couldn’t stop. My boyfriend took her out of the room and it was just Joe and I. I kept saying,”Oh, Joe, no. Oh, no.” He was so kind and he called my doctor to get me into a room as soon as possible.

My doctor hugged me when he came in and offered for us to go home or go to the hospital. I couldn’t imagine going home…for what? To lay down and cradle my dead child in my body? All I wanted to do was hold him in my arms and wish him back to life. It was such a confusing time.

After 12 hours of labor, I delivered my sweet baby boy, Andrew. He looked so perfect to me. I cried and cried and cried. I thought surely I have no more tears left. Then I cried for days and days. I beat on the pillows of my bed; I screamed,”I want him back!” over and over; I wailed at the injustice; but mostly, I blamed myself. I have had such a difficult time with this and now I feel my emotions slipping away. It has been just over two weeks and I don’t feel very much. I can cry but it’s nothing like it was and I wonder if I am numb. When I think I am in denial, I get out his pictures just to look and kiss him. I do not know what to say when people ask how I am. I feel confused about everything. I just go to work to stay busy and get home to take care of my kids. This is a very strange time in my life and I want to move through this pain, I just don’t know how to get back in touch with my emotions.

I mourn Andrew and miss him and want to be pregnant with him. I hate seeing pregnant women and I avoid them, if possible. I feel like some kind of innocence was taken from me, like a can’t trust the universe anymore. I want to get pregnant again, but I feel it is best to wait a few more months. Who can say why these things happen? I do not blame myself as much and that is a good step. I tell myself to fight those thoughts with all of my being and to keep my inner voice positive. I hope none of us ever have to endure this again.

To all the women in this with me, I am so sorry for our losses.

  Hailey wrote @ August 14, 2013 at 9:27 am

oh wow! i am so happy to have found a website regarding this topic. Since 2007 i have kept quiet about my loss of my son. from 20 weeks we started finding out that my son had some issues, they first thought it was downs syndrome, then they said no he had mild spina bifida that he would have to use a catheta and have mild walking disabilities, these small things i had no issue with and was just happy to have my baby boy still growing strong, it was my first pregnancy and i wasnt going to give up. the next check up they couldnt see his bladder, and so on and so on. i eventually got to my 32 week and went from one hospital and transfered to a next. it turned out my boy had cloacal extrophy a rare condition that happens in 1 in 250 000 births, and the doctor says its down to no folic acid, i had to terminate the pregnancy it was the most heartbreaking thing i have ever gone through, i eventually gave birth via ceaser and was allowed to keep my baby boy in my arms for 2 hours. he looked perfect to me. i know that empty feeling all of you have expressed. you feel those kicks, those movements and then all of the sudden the baby is no longer there, and you’re leaving the hospital empty handed. its an awful loss. but since then i have had a beautiful baby boy and now currently 4 months pregnant with my next. i have taken folic acid every day since my loss in 2007 because i dont ever want to go through that loss again. it was lovely to read all the stories above, because normally you just keep it inside as there’s no one around who fully understands what you’re going through. Good luck to alll you mommy’s, hang in there. it only makes you stronger. and when you do have your baby, you’ll love them with all you have.

  Leticia Portlock wrote @ September 15, 2013 at 2:46 pm

September,15,2013.. I lost my baby @20 weeks on September,1 two weeks ago today. I found out I was pregnant in June. I actually had noooooo clue I was pregnant because I had been bleeding since May,11 which was the reason I went to see my doctor. She suggested to check my thyroid and gave me some hormones to stop the bleeding and that we would rule out pregnancy because of the bleeding. On my way out she called me back in and told me my pregnancy test came back positive and to not take any of the medication. I started crying because I was 41 years old and not financially stable as well as my relationship was with my boyfriend. I had a three year old that was going to be four in July and ready for pre-school and potty trained and just wasn’t prepared and also the constant bleeding. I was told some women bleed through their entire pregnancies and go on to have healthy babies. So I decided to accept my gift and eat healthy and take my prenatal med and have another baby maybe it would be a girl this time. I had two episodes of heavy bleeding and clots which led me to the emergency room and thinking I’d miscarried both times, but baby was fine with heart rate of 163. I has a fibroid that I was told had grown 6cm. And was bigger than the baby and my uterus and that was what was causing the bleeding I had blood work done that came back positive for chromosomal abnormality twice, but nuchal ulcblamed on my age. after my second round positive results the second ultrasound was rescheduled from September 13, to the third. At my last prsenatal check up the DR.couldn’t find Heart beat, but she usually had a hard time so she called in another Dr.and he found it and they Said it was 130. I knew that wasn’t right and thought maybe she’s just in a hurry and not paying attention. Ths bleding stopped for two days on my birthday August 20, but started spotting again it then stopped again and I thought it was over.my boyfriend had been in jail since the second time I went to the emergency room and came home August 31, I had some back pain that night, but very mild and couldn’t get comfortable in the bed thinking I just wasn’t used to sleeping in bed with him and he said he thought my stomachs should be bigger and it seemed like it was smaller than it was before to me too. I had been worried since my last check up and was anxious to go to the ultrasound appt on the third and that my boyfriend could go too when I woke up he told me to go to the restroom and I did. I felt a small gush, but didn’t see anything in the toilet, but when I got up something was sticking out and I didn’t know what it was. I tried to pull on it, but couldn’t pull it out. I told my boyfriend and he came in and took or son in the room and put cartoons on for him.then the hard thing proceeded to come out more and he told me to sit back on the toilet and he was calling an aambulance. I cried noooooo and looked down and Saaw my baby’s leg then the other leg then the arms and said oh my God it’s the baby and my boyfriend said come on and I showed him the little feet and and toes and toenails and fingers and hands and fingernails. The baby had come out breech and the head was the only thing not showing the ambulance came and took me to labor and delivery and told my boyfriend I’d be fine. I got in a room and asked for a bed pan to pee and the baby came out. The Dr.said it’s better to come out natural so wait for the placenta to come out on it’s own. After two hours the placenta was sill insides me and I kept looking at my dead child freaked out by the whole thing not wanting anyone to come and see the baby there like that so I told him not to come then they gave me a pill to diallate and out didn’t happen started bleeding uncontrollably and ear hemorrhaging and had to go in for an emergency D&C. I was so scared I was going to die after you have normal pregnancies and everything is alright you don’tthink the horrible outcomes I ended up having a blood transfusion and plasma is lost two liters of blood and my baby and almost my own life.everyone I told about the ordeal says I should have known better and at out age we can’t have kids anymore and if I hey pregnant again I should abort out and should have done so in the place, but that was my baby and I loved it and would have welcomed it with open arms how come people re so opinionated when they don’t have to deal with what I went throughh or was willing to go through.. I’ve been pregnant six times and have three boys I had one abortion and two miscarriages one at seven weeks and one at twenty weeks I miss all three Inever forgave myself for the abortion and said I’d never do that again. I have no support and feel like I’m wrong for wanting another baby and don’t think my boyfriend will give me another one I’m so upset that this May be my last experience at being pregnant and having another child. It seems like this only happens to me but I feel sorry for everyone who has gone through

  Lindsay wrote @ December 20, 2013 at 7:58 am

I woke covered in fresh blood the day before my 12 week scan and immediately went to hospital. I was taken to a ward with my husband and a scan showed the baby was fine – kicking away with its little heart beating – they were unable to detect where the bleeding had come from and sent me home following some swabs. The next day I woke in pain and heavy bleeding and large clots again I attended A and E and after passing out was taken to a ward – large clots and tissue was falling away from me and i knew the baby was no longer alive ( a scan later confirmed this). The pain was excrutiating as the baby was stuck in my cervix and was pulled out by a doctor.
I know this may never be read but it really helps typing out what happened. I am begining to accept what has happened now but am scared I will never enjoy pregnancy – most people say you can relax after 12 weeks but can you? really?
RIP my angel xxx

  Lindsay wrote @ December 20, 2013 at 7:59 am

I woke covered in fresh blood the day before my 12 week scan and immediately went to hospital. I was taken to a ward with my husband and a scan showed the baby was fine – kicking away with its little heart beating – they were unable to detect where the bleeding had come from and sent me home following some swabs. The next day I woke in pain and heavy bleeding and large clots again I attended A and E and after passing out was taken to a ward – large clots and tissue was falling away from me and i knew the baby was no longer alive ( a scan later confirmed this). The pain was excrutiating as the baby was stuck in my cervix and was pulled out by a doctor.
I know this may never be read but it really helps typing out what happened. I am begining to accept what has happened now but am scared I will never enjoy pregnancy – most people say you can relax after 12 weeks but can you? really?
RIP my angel xxx

  Sarah, Colten’s Mommy wrote @ December 22, 2013 at 7:17 pm

My name is Sarah. I know my story doesn’t fit in this category, but my first baby, Colten William Allen, was stillborn. My whole pregnancy went well until a few days before I hit 36 weeks. I started having bad pain which I guess was contractions for about 4 days. I went for my regular checkup on January 8th 2013 and I had told my doctor that I had been having contractions for about 4 days. He told me that Colten had stopped growing and my blood pressure was high but his heartbeat was strong, and told me to go to hospital if I had more than 5 contractions in one hour to go to the hospital. He didn’t bother to check me. I woke up about 9 or 10 am on January 10th 2013 to having a contraction as I was sitting up in bed bearing down the contraction a little bit of fluid rolled out of me. I hurriedly told my fiancé to call the hospital and tell them what had happened. He told me they said to come in. So we went to hospital got admitted and they did an ultrasound. To mine and Dustin’s surprise they couldn’t find a heartbeat. But they hadn’t told us right away they sent the doctor in and he flat out said, “Your Baby Is Dead.” I was completely shocked. So I had to stay in hospital to be induced. And then come to find out when I got to hospital I was already 4 or 5 cm dilated and 100% effaced. I delivered my beautiful baby boy at 5:59pm on January 10th 2013. He weighed 4lbs and 1.6oz and was 17 1/2 in. long. Now I am 20 weeks pregnant with my second baby and am hoping and praying that this one is going to healthy as a horse. I find out what I’m having December 26th 2013. Thanks for reading. :)

  mandy wrote @ January 18, 2014 at 10:59 pm

I have had 4 losses (1 with twins) all in the second trimester.

Twin boys at 18 WK 4 days may 21, 2009
A son at 15wks 5 days may 19, 2011
A daughter at 17wks 3days July 28, 2012
A son at 18wks 1 day July 24, 2013

I am so sorry to anyone who has gone through the loss of a child. It is the most heartbreaking thing any parent can go through.

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