DeannaI am so happy and amazed at all the support I’ve gotten–so many suggestions. I am still trying to compile it all. A new character has certainly come to me as I read over things. She’s young, 17, I think, and she got pregnant accidentally at 16 and lost the baby late due to a genetic defect. She will help us all understand that genetic problems are not just for women over 40. She is very grief stricken and becomes sort of the pet of the pregnancy loss group as everyone wants to mother her. Then she decides to get pregnant again but won’t tell her parents. This one is ectopic and it is a member of the group who recognizes her symptoms, the test that is positive then negative, the pain in the shoulder. She has scar tissue from the first pregnancy that caused it. I can picture her, tiny, short dark hair, likes to wear striped leggings and purple nail polish. She’s cute, friendly, sweet. I’ll think of a name for her soon. Maybe Tina.
I will work on the characters more. They come to me at odd moments. I also have in mind another one who marries a man with two kids from his first marriage. She loses her baby and feel inferior to the ex-wife. I’ll call her Melinda for now.
I think the woman who runs the group will be the one with infertility after her loss. She sees women come and go in the group–losing a baby and then finally having one, but she remains, childless, forever comforting the others.
I’ll work the secondary infertility in there too with someone. I might do it to Mindy, but maybe not. She’s already got a big load.
Keep telling me things–it helps!
Each miscarriage happens in such a different way.
With Casey I really had no idea although it seemed I suddenly stopped getting bigger. The sonogram was still totally unexpected–back at school where I was a teacher the students were waiting on my phone call. They’d all placed bets on whether I was having a girl or a boy. No one guessed what we might find instead.
The loss of the twin on the plane was a total shock, but when the bleeding did not get heavier as the day wore on, I began to think that maybe I was still pregnant. And I was. The following week was a hell of inconclusive bloodwork and sonograms until finally one sac collapsed and we could see there were actually two, a heart beating in the second. I was nine weeks along when the sac broke, but ten weeks before I knew what had happened.
Some women learn of their loss at the doctor’s office, through a sonogram like I did. Many of us have bleeding first, like I did the second time. Some women, I know, actually go into labor. Others get mixed test results for days, unsure about what will happen, if the baby is lost or not.
The scenarios are endless. I will need several, as women sitting in the circle of the pregnancy loss group will tell their stories. I want to know more.
How did your miscarriage start? How did you find out the baby was lost?
Wow, Deanna! You’ve got some great characters going here, and I can’t wait to see you flesh them out. It brought tears to my eyes reading about their different experiences. I’m feel the woman (running the group) who never has one of her own because that’s what I’m dealing with, but I know that other women have just as much pain as I do with their own experiences.
I learned about my first loss, as you did, through a sonogram that showed no heartbeat. I did have slight spotting at 11 weeks 5 days, and the next day I went in for a sonogram. No heartbeat and the baby had stopped growing at 9 weeks. No explanation–these things just happen.
My second was very different because I knew very early long that things were not progressing well, and yet when I went to the dr, they kept trying to encourage me that things seemed to be ok. Why did I have to be the one to keep pointing out to the tech that the baby had grown but a few days in 2 weeks? They kept feeding me hope for a month, and I kept eating away at it even tho’ I knew it was a lost cause. Finally, 2 days before my birthday they said, “we don’t have much hope now, but come in on Monday for one more try.” So the day after my birthday I learned that my second child was also lost. This time there was testing and a genetic cause was found. It didn’t make the pain any less, but at least I knew I hadn’t done anything wrong.
My first pregnancy resulted in a healthy baby boy. My second I just started bleeding one day (Saturday). Went in on Monday and no baby. My third pregnancy same thing. I actually started bleeding an hour before my OB appointment. No baby on ultrasound. Fourth and fifth pregnancies resulted in healthy babies.
A thought just occured to me….how about having one woman who gets great medical care. (I did. My OB’s wife had 4 miscarriages and he was SO supportive and did ultrasounds weekly until I was comfortable.) And have one who’s got a crap doctor and won’t test her and she has to fight the system to get proper testing and treatment. I see this so often and maybe this would inspire some women to stand up for themselves and make sure they get the treatment they deserve.
I like the late term loss due to genetic abnormalities, but what about when it just happens and there are no answers? That was so hard for me…when all my testing came back normal. I wanted something to be wrong with me, so it could be “fixed.”
I think definitely several women will not have any answers–some get testing and some get turned away. It will probably be a topic for discussion at one of the meetings. Thanks for reminding me of that.
Hi Deanna…I will post my m/c stories here for you…I just have to quiet the house a little so I can find some brainspace for it! I have begun posting my series on m/c, infertility and pregnant friends on my blog whenever you get a chance to look at it. It is still very much in process…I value your feedback.
My first….I started bleeding at about six weeks and called my family dr. He was going to deliver my baby. I didn’t know enough that his not having an ultrasound in the office would be a major problem. When I called, he ordered an ultrasound through the HMO. I was upset because it would then take at least 24 hours just for the approval. I went home and that night I passed a large clump and I knew I had lost the baby. When I called the dr. in the morning, he said that I should go to Emergency, which I didn’t want to do. So I called my obgyn. She said to come right in. She did an ultrasound that morning and told me there was no sac and no baby and to go home and miscarry naturally. She was cold and very unsympathetic. I went home and bled for about three months. I called the office, but they said my bleeding was normal and didn’t offer any more support. No offer for testing, no advice. This was a busy busy office.
The 2nd one…I saw a new obgyn for this one. When I became pregnant, I asked for progesterone because I had read about it on the internet. She said it didn’t work, that it was a myth and that it was also controversial. She was not a believer in it. Frustrated, I went to her once a week for an ultrasound since I had miscarried before. I never saw a baby, never a heartbeat. She ordered a bloodtest because it seemed to stop growing at about six weeks, I called from work to get the results. When she said that the baby stopped growing, she said we should arrange a D&C. I asked if I could try progesterone to see if it would help and that’s when she said, “Your baby is dead, it’s not alive.” She said it with authority, like she was tired of talking about it with me. Then it struck me and I cried at my desk and got off the phone asap. That afternoon I started to bleed, and I cried all the way from my classroom to my car after arranging for a sub.
At the office the next day I asked if I could undergo testing to see why I had miscarried twice. She seemed annoyed, saying those tests never prove anything. That’s when I found your website, in November of 2004. Because of reading the posts, I got a new family dr. and requested to see an RE. I got the HMO approval and I was in the RE’s office in January. The dr. was kind of cold and mean, so I brought my husband to all of the appointments so I wouldn’t have to go through it alone. Having a man along made the dr. act a little nicer. He said to me, “The sperm is not the problem, your eggs might be old, you’re not that young.” I was 38. It was also his tone, very matter of fact, like a scientist. Mean as he was, he tested me for everything. I had about 18 viles of blood drawn and I had a uterine biopsy. He finished diagnosing me by April with a thin uterine lining, and he gave me progesterone. That thing that I had asked dr. #2 for, but she didn’t believe in it. By May I was pregnant and still using progsterone!!! The progesterone seemed to work because at six weeks instead of miscarrying as I had done twice, we heard the heartbeat, then I cried again as I said, “finally”. After three years of trying, now I have a seven month old baby, and now I can laugh at the mean doctors. But living through it was very traumatic, and made me have to force myself to be optimistic everyday.
Now, I’m just tired from lack of sleep and holding the baby. It’s a much better place to be. Thanks again for your website.
I really think it may be helpful for many women if one of your characters is very distressed in that she can’t be with her friends who have babies. I have had a couple friends like this, who chose to end friendships with people who had kids because it made them too upset. Also, feelings of jealousy, anger, I’m sure you will go into that. But, there are many women who can’t even see a movie with a baby in it, or don’t want to leave there home for fear of seeing a baby. It’s terrible because there isn’t anything you can say to console them.
My first miscarriage came when my first child was about 2. We were excited to welcome another baby. My pregnancy with my daughter was marked by a brief unexplained time of bleeding in the 2nd tri but otherwise it was uneventful. I began to spot with this pg however at around 7 weeks. I didn’t think much of it but saw my dr anyway and had the u/s…they couldn’t see much but had me come back a week later.
This u/s revealed no growth, no heartbeat…so I waited for a couple of weeks to miscarry. I kept HOPING that they were wrong. In the end I did miscarry naturally. It was devastating to me, so unexpected…even though I knew women who had experienced m/c…do we ever think it will happen to us? I didn’t…
My second m/c was soon after the first. We had just gotten a (+) after a time of waiting and were very excited, and cautious too. That same month my husband was diagnosed with Malignant Melanoma. It was a roller coaster month for us. He had surgery in July to remove the tumor and we went on vacation in Canada to help him recuperate. I began to spot on the way up there in the car. The bleeding did not stop and I just knew that I would m/c. It happened in the middle of the night in a rental cottage on a lake in Canada. We went to the ER but there was nothing to be done. I was only about 7 weeks this time.
My husband recovered from the cancer and has not had a recurrance, Thank God.
After that I got pregnant 6 months later and had my 2nd child, a healthy boy and then another healthy baby came to us 2 years after that. I didn’t even get my period back between the 2 which was kind of weird and cool all at once…
Then about a year after my third child was born found I was pg again. We were feeling very overwhelmed at that point but excited too to be blessed. This time I was only about 6 weeks when I began to spot. I knew, again, that I would miscarry. I suppose one might think that by then, having three healthy children I would take it in stride but each time I felt the loss..I KNEW this was a loss and it hit me hard. I felt like something was really wrong with my body. I had charted my cycle for years and went back over my charts. I have a very very short Luteal Phase, it’s only about 8 days before I spot and then I get my period 2 days later…so I have what is called a Luteal Phase Defect…oh GREAT! I’m defective….
I noticed too in my charts a number of times over the years that I had much longer LP that eventually dropped down and then led to my period which now, having had some counsel on, indicates that I probably had more very early miscarriages and did not realize it.
I finally told my husband that I couldn’t do it anymore and that I felt like our family was complete…I just couldn’t go through another miscarriage. And yet, apparently God does know better than I do because I became pregnant once more completely by suprise and had my last child another boy (who the u/s said was a girl..)
Since then, it seems that almost every woman I meet has a story of miscarriage. Each time I listen to one or read one I feel the loss again and also the connection to other women who share this experience.
Violeta…I used the progesterone with my 2nd baby and all subsequent healthy pregnancies as well…I think it really DOES work. I didn’t use it for my third miscarriage because I hadnt gone to the dr yet and so I didn’t have any so I don’t know, it’s anecdotal but it’s my story and I’m stickin to it.
You have good instincts!
Progesterone is a difficult issue, and one I will have to sort through. It’s vastly overprescribed, causes miscarriages to drag out, but moms who insist it works are adamant. I’ll have to dig much deeper on this before I can decide how to handle it, but most likely I’ll just have to say how it is–doctors don’t believe in it, and medically there are only the fewest possible situations where it would work (it must be administered within 48 hours of ovulation) but still, moms insist. I may end up just calling it a draw.
Time to make some phone calls on this.
Hi Deanna,
I was on progesterone suppositories the April before I became pregnant. It was prescribed to thicken my uterine lining before trying to conceive. I was tested after that and given the ok to conceive. So I took it again in May, before I became pregnant, then became pregnant at the end of May/ or very early June. I remained on it until I was 14 weeks pregnant. My RE said that pills don’t work, only the suppositories do.
That’s what worked for me, and I don’t think it was psychological. Good luck with your research!
Hi Deanna
I actually used the progesterone cream that my doctor recommends. I’m trying to remember the difference but it was not like the creams you buy at the store…I keep wanting to say that it was natural rather than synthetic.
Hi, I have three children and I experienced my first miscarriage last fall when my youngest child was about to turn five. After two close pregnancies and a whirlwind of the baby stage, we decided to give it a little time before we continued adding onto our family. I had so much faith in God that He would lead us in His ways, I just waited and waited. Then last summer my husband decided it would be okay to try again. I was so nervous I had waited so long to hear this. Did I wait too long? Somewhat hesitant I went forward.
Withing a month of trying I was pregnant. At my ten wk checkup I was told that the baby was only about six wks along. I was not off on my due dates, after all we were trying. I went home with that sinking feeling and the next day I began to bleed. It took two weeks to have a natural miscarriage at home. Everything went fine, although I felt stripped from that innocence. Something sacred was now very ugly. “Where are you God?” I kept thinking this and trying to see the truth of things, but I couln’t. I was devistated. I thought that having children was something I did really well. That was in September.
By Thanksgiving I had a positive pregnancy test. I was somewhat shocked and very scared. I waited until I was ten weeks to go to the DR. Everything was great, I got to see my little guy squirming and jumping around. He looked perfect. I experienced terrible morning sickness twenty-four hours a day. Accompanied by a tumbling sort of dizziness that no one could explain. I was almost immediatly put on high blood pressure medicine. I literally could not function. And for being a stay at home mom that was supposed to be homeschooling three children, this was NOT GOOD.
By the thirteenth week of my pregnancy I got a terrific ultra sound of my baby. I had rented a fetal doppler at the suggestion of a sensitive friend. All was going so well. Then one weekend in February it all came crashing down. I was having trouble finding my routine nightly heartbeat. I waited two anxious days and called my DR. He tried, and failed. I then recieved and ultrasound that confirmed my baby died. Saddly, I wasn’t that shocked. I felt so terrible throughout my four months, that I hardly believed I would actually get a baby. I went home and waited two weeks to go into labor on my own. After no success I was induced and shortly after gave birth to my tiny little boy. Liam Gray Born Feb. 27, 2006. My husband and I spent the day with him and told him goodbye that afternoon.
I went home empty handed and empty hearted.
I have since been trying to work things out with God, and I know He will faithfully bring me through. And for myself I have joined a gym both out of guilt and to get my mind off of things.
Deanna this book is an awesome task your taking on. Your charaters sound terrific. I often come to your site to get various type of support even though most of the time I’m just lurking. I thank you for everything. I just wanted to tell my story. I found out a little differently with my first angel. Well, my day started like any other, up in the morning, to work I went, and we had plans to go to the museum while at work. Well, at the museum, I got what I thought was af. It was totally abnormal (and I was late) so I thought nothing of it and it was heavier b/c I was late. Well, I started to go through a pad about every 5 minutes and on the way back to my job I was bleeding through everything. I had my hubby pick me up and I stood outside b/c I was embarassed. I went home and laid down. I was one hurting lady I had severe cramps. The next day I was no better. I was still bleeding pretty heavy and got an appointment. With this appointment things get a lil fuzzy because I was pretty out of it. I eventually found out I miscarried our first angel. Well, I eventually had to have a D&C done. I totally didnt miscarry naturally. Hubby and I wasn’t trying to get pregnant and not in my wildest dreams thought I was. So basically the day I found out I was pregnant I was already in the process of miscarrying. I was devastating. The doctor actually kept putting me off doing the D&C but finally under my wishes did. Took af a pretty long time to come. My 2nd and 3rd miscarriages were practically the same. We was ttc by this time. We got a couple positive tests on each one. Shortly after, waiting for our appointment for the dr we lost both of them. For the second one we found out at another dr that a friend took me to. We went to the hospital for our 3rd.
I just popped in to thank you for what you said on my blog. It helped a lot. I thought I’d come back here because I’m interested in what you said. This is a great blog and I’m looking forward to doing a bit of in-depth reading. If only because of all the comments and messages I see from people like myself. We’re not alone, we’re all in similar boats, here together.
It does put strain on relationships, but if you keep talking to each other, you’ll get through it. Communication is the key! Good luck and god bless.
Cheers
BC
The first few hours after finding out that the baby had died were surreal. At 14 weeks, I had gone to my family doctor and we couldn’t hear the HB with the Doppler. She said that sometimes it is hard to hear at this point, but that we would try again in a few weeks. She was so completely not worried about it, that I hadn’t even considered worrying, let alone demanding to be sent for an ultrasound. I figured, mistakenly, if the doctor thought that it was normal, then it must be so.
Christmas came and went, and then near the end of January I returned for my next appt, just a week before our first ultrasound. Once again, the doctor was unable to find a heartbeat. She then checked the size of my uterus and then told me I could get dressed. When she returned to the room she sat down and asked me if anyone had talked to me about miscarriage.
It was like being hit by a train. Everything around me started to spin and I simply couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I imagine that it feels like falling off a cliff–your stomach is in your throat and suddenly everything has changed and there is nothing you can do to stop it. Our future dissolved in a few quick words. I can’t imagine every feeling as profoundly sad as I did that day.
The doctor began to explain about missed miscarriage. There were no symptoms, no bleeding, no indication that things weren’t going well. My body failed to recognize that this baby had died weeks before. We then had to wait two days for an ultrasound appointment before the m/c could be confirmed, and then another week for a D&C. I am not a talented enough writer to find the words to describe the pain and the heartbreak that followed, but I’m sure that anyone who has gone through it understands.
Hi Deanna,
It sounds really great so far. Here are a few dynamics from my miscarriage story. Dh and I were married for 8 years before deciding very deliberately to try to conceive. It happened right away and we were elated. We lost our baby at 8 weeks. I think one of my biggest fears was, why did I wait so long to do this? What if we can’t? And then there was the whole process of mustering up the courage to try again, which I am sure you will do a wonderful job on.
And also the effects of miscarriage on a marriage. We both grieved immensely right away, but his grief was tied to my pain and seeing me suffer, whereas my grief was all internal. So when I appeared to “recover” he was able to move on when really I was still suffering, but just not showing it externally. As soon as we found out about the miscarriage, we literally packed up and jumped in the car and drove for a week straight. As if we were trying to outrun something. When he explained to his boss what had happened, he gave him permission to take some time off, only to find that my husband lost his job when we got back.
This is still pretty fresh, so please bear with me…..this was my first miscarriage. I have a wonderful healthy seeven year old son. My husband and I had a rough patch after he was born and I think it scared me away from getting pregnant again. I have always wanted more children, but fear caused years to pass. We had thought this would be our little family and it’d be okay, but in the back of my mind and the front of my heart, I wanted more. Our son was VERY planned, ovulation predicting, whole nine yards. The baby we lost, a complete surprise. A surprise we had just begun to wrap our minds around, had just begun to let sink in and get excited about. A surprise that at 6 weeks and 1 day was gone as suddenly as he or she had arrived. i woke up around 3 am with lower back pain, low, naggy. When I used the bathroom around 6 there was a little spotting. I immediately thought I was losing the baby, my husband ried to reassure me. I went to work. I’m a teacher and put on my happy face, but I started to get more crampy and heavier bleeding. I called my OB, but they said they’re ultra sound was full that day so my best bet would be to go to the ER (small town hospital, OB and ER in same hospital). My husband works about an hour away and has a demanding, stessful job so I went to the ER alone. Lucky for me I have a fabulous girlfriend who wouldn’t take no for an answer and met me in the ER. I was there about an hour before blood was taken. I did get to pee in a cup right away! At about 2 hours in, I was taken to have an ultrasound. I had an external abdominal and then my first ever internal ultrasound. The latter was not a thrilling experience as I’m cramping and bleeding anyway, but to then have this tech with no personality moving the probe around inside me like whe was playing a video game was awful. When she pulled the probe out it was covered in blood and clots. I knew that wasn’t a good sign. Back in the ER room, the ER doctor came in with the news that while I should have been 6 weeks, the ultrasound showed the baby as being closer to a 4 week size. They found a heartbeat, but it was very low and slow. My Hcg level was also only in the 800’s. The Dr. said he was very sorry, but thosse three things did not make things look too promising. He sent me home with a follow-up to my OB two days later….My thoughts were……maybe my levels would double, maybe I was wrong on the dates, maybe, maybe, just maybe. My husband came with me this time. The ER apparently didn’t send all of my records up to the OB (two flights remember small hospital) so the OB kept saying not to throw in the towel, your levels are low, but we’ll take some blood they should have doubled by now and we’ll just wait and see, with your levels that low it really doesn’t make sense to do an ultrasound. At this point, I said, um I did have an ultrasound and they did see the baby….this got a surprised, “they did?” from OB. At this point and through tears I had to tell OB about the size issues and slow heartrate. He again used the towel analogy, as he wanted to know how slow was slow because he said if slow was 100 we had a fighting chance, if slow was in the 80’s then we’d have to talk. He left the room, and left me with new hope, only to come back and tell me that the baby’s heartrate had been 81. He then wanted me to just go home and take it easy and come back in five days for a follow up ultrasound. He even said, “any questions?” at which point my husband said why can’t she have the ultrasound today? He’s really a good and caring man and knew this was killing me and that I couldn’t possibly wait to know what was going on. We had to wait several hours, but they did fit us in. I had to reexplain everything again (first to ER nurse, then ER dr, then Ultrasound tech, then OB dr, now OB tech). Another ex and internal ultrasound, but this time, this tech found nothing. No heartbeat, no baby. My baby is gone and I have to go back in a week to check my Hcg levels again. I am so sad. I don’t even know what to do. Thanks for listening. I hope my story helps.
I have already shared about what I consider the “big one” with baby at 16 weeks, the drama of the ob not finding the heartbeat, the sonogram…ugh. The tech even cried but I tried to console her! One thing I remember was that this was to be my 5th child and I hadn’t told anyone in my family (except our immediate family…the kids and my husband). I was worried about their reactions as we already had 5 kids.
I did have a miscarriage between 1st born and 2nd born. I had begun weaning my son at 10 months, then had one very light period. It was only 3 days. A few weeks later, I was working and my breasts started leaking milk. I thought that was strange as I had stopped nursing completely. When I began spotting and cramping six weeks beyond my period I thought it was so late because it was my 2nd pp period and had heard cramping was heavier for periods after a baby was born. I went to watch my husband play softball in the evening, and chased my newly walking toddler around. I kept having cramps and bleeding. I went home and decided to take a bath as I thought a bath would help. I said to my husband that I thought the cramps felt like labor, and joked I could be pregnant. I sat in the hot water for fifteen minutes and then suddenly felt a force push something out of my body. I looked in the water and a mass was floating. I yelled to my husband in alarm, and he came running in. I said, “I think I miscarried in the tub!” I told him to go get a plastic bag and a dish with a lid. He came back, and I collected the mass. I examined it, and could see what looked like spongy material. If you’ve ever seen those week by week pregnancy photos, my miscarried baby was similar. I could see the outer chrion (is that what it’s called) which looked spongy. I noticed on the inside of this was a curved little pinkish mass. It also looked spongy. I could make out feet and hands, ridges where fingers should be. No eyes, no ears, nothing that clear. I think the flesh was degraded from dying earlier. I went to the ob’s office the next day, and a nurse tried to get a culture or something, but I was bleeding too much. The ob met with me, and I gave her the little bowl. She didn’t even look at it. She guessed by my reported period I was 5 weeks along, and told me I could try again in two months. She said I was healthy, and had a healthy baby, so I should have no trouble. I walked out and left my little one behind. I wish now I had taken the baby with me and buried him/her. I would guess the baby was more like 8 weeks old based on size. It was not a grain sized baby, but was 2-3 inches long…considering that they often shrink, mine may have been older than 8 weeks.
I think this blog is a great idea. I love the characters so far! Here’s my story (hopefully putting it down will help me to heal):
I went off BCP the last weekend of March. We were trying but not really concentrating on it right after that. I found out I was pregnant on June 11th. I was already almost seven weeks along but didn’t realize it because I’d only had one period off the pill & had no idea how long my cycles were. I was so terrified. Thinking back, I feel that I must’ve known deep down inside, that something might not be right. We went to the doctor the following Thursday (6/15) and he confirmed it. We saw the baby & saw the heart beating away. We were thrilled but I was also terrified – like almost panic attack terrified. I had another appointment where we saw the hb on 6/29 & we were given the pictures of our little bean.
I went back for another appointment on 7/13. The dr said I was far enough along to hear the hb on the Doppler. He couldn’t find one but he said not to worry because my bowels were loud. He brought me to the sono room & tried to get a hb but we couldn’t really see anything. He still told me not to panic & sent me right over to the ER to have a sono tech do a sono on me (his tech was out & he claimed it wasn’t his specialty- it was also Thursday night & he said he didn’t want us to worry all weekend). He was very reassuring but on the way over to the hospital, I had such a sinking feeling, like I knew.
My sono was over an hour long. At the end of it, the techs said they couldn’t tell me anything & that my doctor would call me. Which he did, as I was pulling into my driveway. (My husband and I had separate cars that evening). He said he didn’t know why but the baby had died. I couldn’t believe it. I literally fell out of my car. Thanksfully my husband had pulled in right behind me. He had to pick me up and walk me into the house. I don’t think we slept that night. It was already almost 10pm. My doctor said to call in the morning to come in and talk.
We called the next morning (7/14) and were told to come in. I had a d&c around 8:30 that evening and was home by about 1am. That, in my opinion, was the easy part. We did ask for & get genetic testing. Unfortunately, (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it) there was nothing wrong. I think, in my mind, if there had been something wrong with my bean, I’d have been able to accept that I lost him or her much easier than having the “We don’t know why this happened” as our answer…
I have had a loss but have never found a place I belong.
My sorry is of loss of a different kind. If you can not use this Deanna I will understand. It has taken me a very long time to be this open about it.
I went in for a my 26 week sonogram, I remember how excited I was about finding out the sex of my baby and that my daughter would have a sibling soon, I had so much hope while sitting in the waiting room before I went in to have the sonogram.
The sonogram technician’s name was Holiday and was cute as a button I remember thinking wow she must think I look like a huge cow. Holiday immediately start putting the cold goop on my belly (back before they warmed it) and I saw her, I saw my little girl floating around in my womb she was moving and waving her sweet hands and sucking her other thumb, she was perfect. I was not aware the technician was getting concerned until she promptly got up and walked out of the room and then returned with a physician to look at the screen. I was puzzled but was told not to worry but anything yet.. there were some things that might be a concern but they will know for sure after an amino and I was scheduled to have it the next day.
My fiancé was annoyed that he would have to drive me back up to the doctors but he was annoyed by me in general, see he and I were only getting married because I was pregnant and that is a whole other story.
I was at work when I got the call from a genetic disorder councilor, she told me that it would be best to find someplace in the building where I could talk in private and so I went into the boardroom. She told me that my darling little girl had Turner Syndrome and I told her I do not care she could have Downs Syndrome and that she is my baby I love her and will keep her. The councilor then explained that my baby girl was dieing inside of me. The baby had already had heart failure, her brain was swollen and she was only getting worse. she was not going to make it. I was then told news that I had a 98% of dieing in child birth if I carried her to term or even for much longer, I was given days to go in to get a D&E. This was all a women’s hospital that branched off from the more advanced hospitals here in town so I was alone and they could not help me any further.
I have to stop here and tell you that I question every single day what I was being asked to do and I to this day that feel that I killed my baby.
My OB/GYN told me that she could not help me with the D&E and that I would have to seek out an abortion clinic. I was devastated and felt like I was playing god and I could not understand why this was happening to me. Why couldn’t my doctor have helped me, held my hand and tell me that she would care for me?
I felt my baby kick for the first time the night before I went into the clinic, can you imagine? I just laid in bed and fell apart, questioned my whole life, wondered if I heard the counselor correctly, was she right? This was one of many things nobody prepares you for. I called my mother who spoke with the doctor right after I got the news, She said, “Michelle, there were no choices given.. you were told that you are dieing and that your baby is gone”
It was a two day process and it was a nightmare. The first day was actually at eight o’clock in the evening and I went into a hidden private abortion clinic that was recommended to me and I might add that I do not believe in abortion in any shape or form (unless it is in a grave situation).
The following is the details
The doctors were a husband and wife team. It was a very stark place and was a highly secured building there were gate after gate and codes and I just remembered how horrible to have to try so hard to go into a place that you just do not want to ever have to go in to. I loved and love that baby and I remember that my fiancé was almost chipper that it was all ending and to keep my sanity I ignored this, he was and will always be the person that almost but did not break my spirit. We were escorted into the lobby of the building and were told to if did not mind to have a seat and wait a moment in the waiting area. This was the waiting area that I guess so many had passed through because they did not want a baby just yet or did not need one at all. A short time passed and I was then called back to a very cold room and asked to change into a gown and then was helped onto a table and my legs placed up onto the stirrups, I remember having a hard time getting up on the table and then the doctor say to me, “ well you are out of shape and you should get your back looked at.” I was so applaud and wondered if he even recognized that I was a woman in her second trimester of pregnancy and that I was also grieving. He was a monster and I knew I should not expect anything more. I was silent and then he started to give me some medication (not sure what it was) and then inserted something to make me dilate. We went home that evening and I numb from what I just had started just cried and was inconsolable and I told me baby that I loved her and that I will miss her and that I would meet her in heaven one day if they would have me and if she would want me as her mommy still. We were to meet back at the clinic at 6:00 am. This time when we arrived I was greeted by a very warm natured nurse and given a gown to wear. I was given some medication that would help induce me and help me sleep a little. I was in the clinic until about 9:00 pm I was awake and aware during it all.
During the next few days I was in and out of sleep and while awake I was crying non-stop. I would love to say that was the worse but then I could not sleep because every time I closed my eyes I was there on the table losing my baby. I then had thoughts that I wanted to end it all and was afraid that I was going to harm myself, the one good thing that my fiancé did was save me by pulling me up and taking me to a doctor and I was on Prozac for one month. It was the hardest year of my life.
My fiancé broke off the engagement three weeks later and asked why I could not lose the weight and just stop crying. I broke things off with him and never looked back.
I was to be in a wedding of my best friend and the sister in-law of the bride asked me my I was not around for the shower planning and then when I told her why she just simply with out stop says to me, “bummer… so bring a cake to the shower, k” then hangs up. My friends were as helpful as they could but also wondered why I just could not “move on”, “Get over it”, ”that evil creep should not have a baby, you are lucky”…on and on and with each word it hurt even more.
Hey Deanna,
Just some feedback on the woman who is the head of the support group, who exeperiences infertility after a loss. I think that this is a realistic situation but very sad/hopeless-is it possible she could at least adopt or something?I think part of the message you want to give in your book is that loss is not the end of of the chance to parent living children, either from your uterus or not.
Rosie–I like that you push me on this, it makes me think. There will be so many stories that end so many ways–some will have their babies, others might adopt or surrogate, but I feel some strange stirring about the woman leading the group. I think that maybe, possibly, she needs to be a tragic figure, and the group needs her too, and she always leads them because of it. Some people want to lead their lives sort of on the outskirts, and this ends up her way. She has not only made peace with childlessness, but also makes it the substance of her individuality.