Today, having sent Baby Dust to a few novel-writing friends to take a look at, I decided to focus on the rest of my to-do list and get my 2006 receipts entered for taxes.

On top was a pile of medical things, because I’ve been monitored for cervical cancer since last January. (Next biopsy–Feb. 12. Ick.)

I figured with everything going on, I’d better start a new folder for medical records, so I went to the file cabinet to see what already existed. Under medical, I found a packet rather unusually titled “old stuff.” So I pulled out this folder to see what might be inside.

A medical bill. Several, in fact. I scanned the list to see what they were for.

  • Prenatal 1-3
  • Antepartum Care
  • Mycoplasma Culture
  • Prolactin
  • TSH

Right about here I realized what I was looking at but read on, much as someone might rubber-neck a car accident.

  • Lupus Anticoagulant
  • Prothrombine time
  • Thromboplastin

I knew the date I would see. May 1998. These were the tests they ran to try and figure out why my baby had died. They didn’t figure it out then; I’d be pregnant with Emily before we understood the reason. If there should ever be a reason for something like that.

Strange I would come across this bill the same day I set Baby Dust aside, the first draft done, a whole trove of stories just like mine contained within its pages. Maybe Casey needed me to remember that they were little people, not just graphic incidents, or maybe he wanted to remind me why I was qualified to write it at all. Or maybe he just wanted to drop in, to show me he knew it was a big day, and to sprinkle me with luck as I start to send it out to agents.

Doesn’t matter. I can make it anything I want to be. And I choose to get dusted with hope.

7 thoughts on “Flashbacks

  1. Wow. I keep my bills in an envelope in my dresser drawer. I came across my notes before surgery recently in my credit card holder, and it was a bit truamatic. I put those in my memory pouch so I would quit running into them. I did throw away the appointment cards, but have one for the follow up still in my card holder.

    It doesn’t take much to take me back. I can still see much of it all…the blue clothes the medical staff wore, the doctor’s face before I was wheeled back, the lights, all of it come right back when I get into my bills.

  2. I too have all my medical records still, all the reports, ultrasounds you name it i still have it tucked away in my cupboard, im crying just thinking about it all.

  3. I live in Canada, so I don’t have any copies of medical bills. I am in the time frame of when I was pregnant the first time around. It’s hard to believe that 3 years ago on January 21st I got pregnant; on February 17th, I spotted for the first time but it stopped; April 2nd it was back and things happened so quickly after that. Rush ultrasound that day, call at work later that day from my doctor telling me there was a problem and what they felt it was(still don’t forgive him for that). The horrible weekend wait to get to Monday to be able to go to the Fetal Assessment Unit to find out for sure and by April 7th, it was over.
    Sorry to have gone on about it, but this time of year always brings it back. Since no one around me seems to ever want to talk about it, it helps sometimes to have someplace to go.
    I think you are right, you were being dusted with hope by Casey.
    Take care.

  4. I just recently received another bill related to my miscarriage 4 1/2 months ago. Seeing the dates from the procedures brings to miscarriage right back. If only the insurance company had processed it correctly, I wouldn’t keep getting these ‘reminders’ of one of the worst days of my life.

  5. I have to have a LEEP done on Monday and have had to answer a million different health questions from all of the providers who will be handling my procedure. The procedure will be done at the same hospital that handled my miscarriage and the birth of my daughter. Today I got really angry at the pre-op nurse who called to interview me. Not only did I have to remind her of my miscarriage, but she continued to refer to it as an abortion (I realize the terms are the same, but it still hurts me so) After reading your post, I am “choosing” to believe that all of these references are just my angel wishing me well and hoping to calm my fears.
    Thank you for reminding me of my “choices”.

  6. During our recent move I stumbled across a copy of my HSG x-ray and test results. All of the emotions that I very carefully keep tucked away rushed right to the surface. It took me days to shake the overwhelming sense of loss, of sadness, of emptyness. So much has happened since the day I layed on that table, consumed with the loss of my two precious babies, searching for a reason, looking for hope.

    I have since been blessed with a beautiful, healthy daughter. She is the light of my life, pure joy. Yet, that sadness is always there, tucked just below the surface… waiting for a reminder, a reason to come out.

  7. I guess this has happened to all of us. I just can’t part with these things for some reason. Maybe some day…

Comments are closed.