Anxiety and Hope

I think all of us find ourselves riddled with self-doubt at times. Sometimes I wonder if I am any sort of spokesperson on this issue. Regularly I fear I’ve gone too far, or not far enough. I examine the outline of the book, review the situations, struggle with whether or not I covered everything. If I got things right.

Conceiving an idea is such great fun. There is so much joy in it, such hope. You can believe in something when the concept is broad and bright and entirely in the future. The execution of it is all together different. There are potholes, gaps, chasms, gorges between your dream and its fruition. You wonder if you fail, how many people will watch you go down.

Baby Dust is with six readers right now from various demographics. Women who’ve lost babies, women who haven’t. Doctors and editors and just writer friends who have no idea what darkness I’ve laid in their hands. I will listen to what they have to say about it, make my adjustments where need be.

For the people who read it who’ve never been through a miscarriage, I find they don’t believe some of it. “Of course you have to go to the hospital!” they say, and refuse to accept that this might not be the best course.

“No one would say that!” they exclaim when they see what comments are made to women fresh from their losses. They can’t imagine they might be told “It wasn’t really a baby anyway,” or “Just try again and you’ll be fine.” Or our favorite, “It was all in God’s plan.”

Initially I think–exactly, and that’s why you need to read this book. And learn. Then I think, what if they still don’t believe it? What if these scenarios do more harm than good? What if people think it’s gratuitous? Or disingenuous? Or manipulative? Or just bad?

Today I grapple with both anxiety and hope, much like we do when we learn we are pregnant again after a loss. Yes, it could turn terrible, and we might face awful devastation. But it could also be wonderful.

I take solace in Winston Churchill.

You will make all kinds of mistakes; but as long as you are generous and true and also fierce you cannot hurt the world or even seriously distress her.

I sure do hope he’s right.

5 thoughts on “Anxiety and Hope

  1. This is why a forward by an OBGYN or a pscychologist is in order. There is also a nurse professor in Seattle who is studying grief in miscarriage, and how professionals need to deal with women and men who experience pregnancy loss. Those situations are real, reactions are real. Funny how it’s hard to imagine yourself doing such things until you realize you are doing it. I recall coming to the forum for the first time, and thought, “I will never write on here, I don’t need this.” Within a week or so I was writing, and it’s been two years. I’m still here. I’m not above “crazy” actions. I’m not above thinking or saying things that seem weird. I’ve had people say awful things to me, and have been treated so poorly in medical settings, and even with dear family that I never ever argued with in my life. It is my hope that those who see it as “not possible” will realize how real this all is before they have to deal with a friend, daughter, or even have a miscarriage themselves.

  2. Even if you wrote it in the absolute best way possible, some people still may not understand. Some people still may not believe. But if just a few do, if at least some are touched and learn, if women who’ve been through the experience (especially these) are helped with your words, your book will be a success.

    From what I’ve read so far, I think you did an excellent job. I can’t wait to read the full story!

  3. I agree with the others Deanna. People do need to be educated about this, and the ones who have not lost babies may never understand. I still can’t stand those women who are convinced, as soon as they fall pregnant, that they will have a baby at the end. I don’t think those who haven’t experienced this will ever fully understand…but they need to see how dark the dark side can get.

  4. I am still pulling for you…it sounds like you are questioning your work…don’t, stand tall and be brave and face the critics…cuz there will be…there always is. You have done extensive research and if anyone who reads this does any research for themselves they will find there is truth in your book.

    I also can’t wait to read the full story!

  5. Thank you, Deanna, for being our voice. We can’t change the world, but if we can change just one person…

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