Winter Blues and Virtual Hugs

So many of you are having a hard time.

I’ve had a four-fold increase in direct emails since the new year began. Heartbreaking stories, difficult moments. Many of you feel so very alone.

I’ve heard women say things that make me so sad that in the ten years since this site began, so little has changed in how we feel about revealing the extent of our grief:

  • On Facebook, a woman wrote me thanking me for the private support, but she couldn’t join the Facts about Miscarriage support group because she didn’t want any of her Facebook friends to know she’d lost a baby. (Note that you have to be a member of Facebook–which is free–to see our Facebook group.)
  • Via email, another woman felt uncomfortable sharing the name of her baby, as she thought others would think it silly to name her lost child.
  • And everywhere, friends tell me how they keep their pregnancies to themselves for months, “just in case.” They don’t want others to know about the baby should they have a miscarriage.

I understand all this. I’ve been in these places, felt these things. But I want, really really want, a world where life CAN be celebrated from the moment it is known to exist. That we CAN tell our friends and family about this devastating loss, and feel loved and supported as we would in any death in the family. That we would NEVER feel guilty or as though we did something wrong, that the miscarriage was our fault.

This year I’m going to work even harder to make this happen. I’m applying for fellowships, trying to find time (and grant money to support me) to finish Baby Dust. I want to get this so visible, so public, so open, that we can change this feeling that we should hide what has happened.

We can’t change the miscarriage rate. This year, like most years, 6 million women (in the US) will get pregnant and almost 1 million of them will lose her baby. We are probably one of the single largest groups that suffers so silently.

I know from your emails, your notes, and your blog posts that you are having a hard time. 2009 isn’t starting off anything like you hoped. But this is a year we will get stronger. We’ll make something out of what has happened to us. And we’ll change things, because our babies, those beautiful little life-lights, live through us.

5 thoughts on “Winter Blues and Virtual Hugs

  1. The Monday before Thanksgiving 2008 I found out I was pregnant with my 3rd child ( a week after my husband’s vasectomy). He did not want anymore children and I still wanted 1 more. On December 7th I started spotting. I work as a Labor and Delivery Nurse and went to work on the following Monday still bleeding. One of my OB’s did an ultrasound and confirmed what I feared. I was having a miscarriage. The hardest part for me is working in a place that deals with birth every day all day. Suprisingly, what is more difficult is being surrounded by pregnant co-workers. How do I get past the pain and difficulty of working in Labor and Delivery unit? Secondly, it is very painful facing the finality of never being pregnant again. I am blessed with my 2 boys, but I still long for the one baby I lost.

  2. My husband and I found out we were pregnant fall of 2008 with our 1st child. We announced our pregnancy to all of our family and friends and co-workers the week of Christmas which was extremely exciting because our closest friend was pregnant and another family member was pregnant also. 3 different women, all pregnant for the 1st time, healthy and very happy.

    I went on the miscarry a week after Christmas. I had heavy bleeding but no cramping. I went in to see my doctor the next day. Blood was drawn to measure my hcg levels on 2 separate days. HCG levels did rise but did not double. Doctor said I was fine and was still very much pregnant. Few days after that I went in with my husband and mother-in-law, who was very excited, for an ultrasound to hear the heartbeat and see the baby at 8 weeks. Did not see/hear anything. Nothing was there except a collapsed sac. Completely devastated. Why me?

    I know you’ve probably heard it all and my story is not different from the next but you’re website has truly helped me in so many ways. It’s helped me to get closure by answering all the many questions that I’ve had since my miscarriage. Your website covers so much of what my doctor has failed to mention. After my miscarriage and during the many sleepless nights that followed, I searched several websites looking for information and there’s so many websites that have such false baloney and others that have just the same generic info.

    I think I’ve read every topic on your site dealing my current situations. This really has been an invaluable bit of info for me.

    Thank you and God bless.

  3. My husband and I lost our baby July 18th of last year. Needless to say this has totally devastated me. My husband, while supportive of me, hasn’t really shown much emotion. We’ve decided not to ttc. I’m dealing with that (though not easy). Now I’m looking ahead to March 11, which is our due date and I’m just not sure I can deal with it. How can I? How can I go on with the day like it is a normal day? Christmas was hard enough. I don’t even think many people know when my due date was. I’m pretty sure my husband doesn’t remember.

    I did want to say thank you for this web site. This site was there when I was up in the middle of the night, to give me some comfort and peace of mind. I had no idea what to expect from my body and this site helped to prepare me.

    Thank You.

  4. Thank you so much for this site… I had no idea it exsisted.
    I’m 23 yrs old and I’ve suffered 2 miscarriages. The first was at 14 wks with twins in December ’07 , there was a third baby that was in my left tube so not sure how to put that so we’ll just say 1 was etopic and the second miscarriage, again with twins in November ’08 at 21 wks. I cry alot and I have no idea what to do to get through all this stuff. I’ve tried talking to my fiance but he just ignores me. He says its my fault and that I should stop whining about it.

    I went through the second m/c alone. I was at home getting back and lower abdomin pain and 8 hrs later my babies were born. The hospital released me shortly after. I had a service for the babies and I was the only one to show up. I just, I don’t know what to do other than cry.

    I would love to be able to view the facebook group to see about getting help there but all the people (except for 1 person) on my list don’t know I’ve suffered any miscarriages.

    Thank you so much for this site.

  5. On March 26, 2009 at 3:39 am I woke up with very mild cramping in my lower abd, I was not concerned I thought I was having braxton hicks. I was 34 weeks pregnant with our fourth child. Two hours after I experience the worse kind of pain I could imagine in my entire life. When We arrived at the hospital the nurses couldn’t find my baby’s heart beat, the doctor was called and confirmed by ultrasound that our baby was indeed passed on. This was the worse news we could have every received. I cried and cried and I am still crying. We buried baby Amir one week later. Now I feel numb, I am reading every website I can find, I have ordered books, and it’s like I can’t get enough information, what I have read so far does help a little but my soul still needs more. My doctor says that my placenta ruptured I keep wondering how, he was fine on March 23, when we look at him with the ultrasound. I keep saying oh my God over and over and over, it’s like it’s not real.
    when I delivered my baby I held him close, I kissed him, I touch him, my husband did the same and we cried. We had him baptized in the hospital. sometimes it still doesn’t seem real. It’s like right now I don’t know what to feel. I miss him sooooo much already. I keep telling myself I never get to sing for my baby. will I get over this feeling?
    I have alot of family and friends who are still praying for us. But I still feel so empty. I have 3 healthy sons that I love deeply but I want my baby.

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