DeannaCertainly, dads grieve differently from moms.
I hear from the occasional dad after the loss of a baby. Usually he is worried about mom, wanting to know what he can do or say to help. It’s unusual, although it happens, for him to be sad for himself.
For moms who feel the father of the baby is not grieving like she is, remember that in a relationship, the balance dictates that only one of us can fall apart at a time. He may be holding down his grief to make sure he can be there for you, and he may prefer to keep it private.
I assure you that he notices Father’s Day, especially if the lost baby would have been his only child. He may not cry about it, he may not be emotional. And he may not need for you to recognize him on this day, or even be very open to talking about how this day might affect him.
Sometimes, though, dads find ways to express their grief and pain. Gerrit Hofsink lost his first grandson to stillbirth. He has written and produced a song for the baby. It’s a beautiful song — you can hear it here:
http://www.myspace.com/gerrithofsink
And if you love it, you can buy it for $1 here:
Gerrit is working with me on some wonderful tribute projects using the song.
Tom of the UK band Oswald also wrote a song for his child:
http://oswaldtheband.com/littlesoul/
His song is also available for purchase, to benefit grief organizations.
So Dads, this day is for you.
I felt so bad for my husband after I lost our baby earlier this year. He just didn’t do anything right in my eyes. I even came up with the brilliant ideathat our marriage wasn’t working. In retrospect, he just didn’t know what to do. I was a mess (and still am to a point). I accused him of everything from not caring to not wanting children to him thinking it was my fault. I know none of the above are true, I was just an emotional disaster. I know he will put his best “game face” on if we get pregnant again, but how do I keep myself (and him) in check and not delve right back into our previous experience? We’ve waited about 4 month before trying again (seriously) and I’m afraid that it could be 40 weeks of anxiety for me (and for him, since he has to deal with me).