Casey Shay would be 12 years old this weekend. He’d probably ride a new bike, or take off down the street on a new skateboard. He’d probably celebrate by playing Blazertag with his best buds, hoping his parents would stay clear of the party as much as possible.

But instead, he’s a shadow on a sonogram, a wave of movement caught on video. But his name is known. When you Google him, you find the publishing company we started in his honor, dedicated to healing books for women. You also find a picture of another handsome young man who died too soon, happy with friends and a new wife. You realize that tragedy is all around us, and only when we try to find its place in our life can we find meaning in our experiences, both the good ones and these terrible, terrible ones. This often takes years to happen, so if you’re new here, don’t try it now. Just wallow. Just grieve. Let the sadness wash over you, because this is tough. It’s the toughest thing people go through, losing children. Don’t let anyone make you think you should not feel it, or that it is small.

And get ready for the big month of October. Candle lightings and walks are getting ready for October 15, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Go see if one is set up in your city. And if not, create one! It’s not too late. I set up my first one two days before the big day. Just get out and light your candles for your baby, and for Casey Shay.