Fear at Christmas

UPDATE: I went ahead and set up a support topic for those who need to find each other over the holiday and talk to other grieving moms-to-be during this very tough time. Feel free to register under any anonymous name, just make sure you can check the email address to validate your registration so you can post and answer posts.

https://pregnancyloss.info/board/index.php?topic=304.0

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I know from the deluge of mail that this is a hard time of year to be grieving or worried about your pregnancy. Of course it is. You want to be sitting around a fire, sipping hot chocolate, and dreaming of the baby who is on the way.

But you’re not. Maybe you have scary cramps. Or you keep spotting. Maybe a miscarriage is on its way or just happened and you’d rather crawl in a hole than celebrate anything.

JUST DO THE BEST YOU CAN.

Here’s a message left today on the miscarriage symptoms page, and my response. It’s what I hope for each of you–to find that place where you can find joy even amongst pain, fear, and sadness.

From Gemma:

I am 28 and 6 weeks 1 day pregnant, it is my first pregnancy. I took my first pregnancy test a week and two days ago and it read ‘pregnant 1-2weeks’.
On Saturday evening (it’s now Tuesday) I started spotting, and am still spotting now. It varies from brown to pinky brown and back to brown again. I went to the doctors yesterday and he tried to send me for a transvaginal scan but the early pregnancy unit won’t do it until I am eight weeks. He arranged a HCG blood test for yesterday and I have another one tomorrow both of which I should get the results for on Friday.

The bleeding does not appear to be getting any worse, it very rarely touches the pad and is just there when I wipe. But nor is it stopping! I still wee alot and felt nauseous this morning. This morning I took another home test and it said ‘pregnant 2-3weeks’. I am so worried I have cried since Saturday night and have already started grieving for this baby. Friday is Christmas eve and my birthday is Boxing day and I just don’t know how I am going to get through it and cope with the not knowing. I have only had tiny minor cramps which I have had since the day before I found out I was pregnant but I can’t feel them most of the time it’s only when I bend occassionally or my jeans are too tight and dig in and it feels a bit kind of tender. Can anyone give me something positive to think because I think by the time I get my scan on Jan 5th I will have cracked up!!

My response:

I am so sorry you are going through this. It’s painful and so scary. I’ve been there. The not knowing is horrible. You can’t focus on anything else. I understand this.

First, some statistics. 70% of all pregnancies have bleeding. Only 10% miscarry. You are on the safe side of that.

Your blood level is low, but it did increase. That is a good sign. Take every good sign you can get right now.

Here’s what you know right now: You are pregnant. You are expecting something amazing to happen–the birth of your baby. Many parts of this journey will be terrifying (wait until this little one starts driving a car…)

Try to laugh. Try to have hope. And most of all, especially this time of year, try to find peace. You have two choices: Whether this baby is with you for seven weeks or seventy years, you can make each day full of joy, hope, and love. Or you can make it full of fear, grief, and tragedy.

Choose joy for as long as possible. Make every day a celebration. Buy something each day for the baby. Write down your thoughts on your baby constantly.

Love. Hope. It’s what we mothers do. And this way you’ve spent your little one’s life the best way possible. Let January 5 be January 5. Let today be today.

NOTE: Gemma has updated in the comments.

28 thoughts on “Fear at Christmas

  1. I lost my first baby and when I was pregnant with my second, this happened to me. The pink, brown spotting. I told my husband to take me to the hospital because I was probably miscarrying again. It turned out not to be. I was on bed rest for a week just to be safe and then told me that spotting was pretty normal….also that brownn means old blood.
    Two other friends of mine had gushing blood and it turned out that they just had placenta previa. Don’t worry yet and get lots of rest. Stay in bed and read….

  2. I am going through the same thing right this very minute, but my bleeding is heavy and very red so I am more than likely having a miscarriage, I had already went to the doctor on Monday and had an estimated due date of August 16th and was very excited to be pregnant with our 3rd baby, went to two Christmas parties and had told everyone our joyful news, including our 4 year old and then Tuesday night the bleeding started and has not stopped, so I am letting nature takes it’s course. I go in for what was supposed to be an exciting ultrasound on Jan. 7th, so we’ll see. I hope you are still pregnant and have a healthy pregnancy and maybe I’ll take a pregnancy test in a few days and see what result I get, you just never know in life what the possibility may be, but there are endless possibilities that take place everyday. I feel a little better after typing this out and maybe can rest now since it’s 1:30am! Take care and still enjoy your Christmas, 🙂 Hopeful for us both!

  3. I had a miscarraige at the weekend, I was 12 weeks pregnant and it was my first.
    dark spotting and uncomfortable uterus for 2 days, also cessation of vivid dreams, Saturday came with a loss of large quanities of fresh blood and contractions.
    I knew what was happening and stayed at home trying to think positively.
    My wonderful midwife visited to check on my blood pressure etc and to confirm what was happening.
    Sunday came and the cramps and bleeding had eased slightly but by now I knew, as it felt as though the right side of my uterus was cramping and getting smaller whereas the left side where I had always felt my baby to be was still full.
    Monday an emergancy scan was booked for the afternoon but our baby came out 2 hours before.
    I caught her in my hand and was scared to look as I didnt know what I would find.
    Such a sudden wave of emotion and grief, it has been a rollercoaster since then.
    I miss there not being a life being nurtured in me, it is an increadibly hard time and having been so excited we had told many people of our wonderful pregnancy and now we are having to tell everyone that it isnt meant to be….this time. but at least we dont have to put on a brave face and hide our grief.
    I know that there i will “fall pregnant again” and that “it wasnt meant to be this time” or that ” something was wrong with the feotus” but these comments are mine to make and not anyone elses!.
    posative thoughts go a long way in helping during and after this awful event, and I did learn one thing at least…that breathing exercises during labour are a must 🙂

    take care and bugger christmas, red wine and blue cheese all the way for me now xxxx

  4. I’m really sorry for what you are experiencing. I lost my baby on Christmas day. We were scheduled to go for an ultrasound on the 29th of December to find out how far along we were because we weren’t sure. This was my second pregnancy and I had bled a little with my first (who is now a happy and healthy 10 month old girl), so I knew a little bleeding could be normal. It’s still extremely unnerving though to be bleeding when you know you shouldn’t be. Like the others writers who posted, I also tell myself that it just wasn’t meant to be this time, though I don’t find it easy hearing that from others. My husband is just relieved that I am ok (I lost a lot of blood and had an emergency D&C), so I feel like I’m grieving this loss on my own of sorts. I found this site because I’m trying to learn as much as I can about why this might have happened but in the end, I know there are no answers. And that, to me, is the hardest part. I sincerely hope that you and your baby are fine, that you get to experience holding a healthy full-term baby in your arms and the love your heart will not be able to contain.

  5. I had my 2nd miscarriage 4 days b4 Xmas. Since I found out I was pregnant here comes spotting; brown, light pink or even darker red. After one week of spotting, had cramps that night went to d emerg & dr told me have another miscarriage. Sent me for ultrasound & found out there is heartbeat. I was discharge and told me have to go for another ultrasound in one week. U/s technician told that BB grew so was excited. Went to my GP about the news and told me have a bed rest. Everything was fine until that evening, when feeling cramps and the heavy bleeding/clots started. Called ambulance and took me to d emerge, check blood work but no matter how positive we are thinking that night asking GOD for miracle never happened, lost BB @ 101/2 weeks old. For all d women out there, get yourself good OB/GYN early and good luck & hope all d best

  6. Although I don’t know any of you personally, I am really glad to read what you have bravely shared and it helps me go through this post-miscarriage period by reading your postings.

    I am 28 and it was my first pregnancy. A surprise pregnancy, but one that we welcomed and embraced joyfully. I had my at-home pregnancy test on 12/8 and was scheduled for labs on 12/13, and our initial prenatal appointment on 12/28. Once we got the lab results confirming the pregnancy on 12/14, we shared news with my parents, who was going overseas on 12/15 for 3 weeks. Starting on 12/16, I had pink-brownish mucus in the evening, I went to work on 12/17 and started having dark red blood streaks. I went to the hospital to see an on-call OB doctor and she did an ultrasound, showing us the heartbeat and everything, the baby measured out to be w6d1. I had my concerns but the OB doctor reassured me that everything looks fine right now, and once the heartbeat is there, the chance of miscarriage significantly decrease.

    I called back on 12/20 (Monday) to report back that I was still bleeding. (it was spotting on the 12/17 but quickly progressed to light bleeding over the weekend.) I had some low back ache and diffuse abdominal pain. It wasn’t very painful, but I was feeling ill and rested in bed, for the next 12 days. Didn’t go to work, and I just felt very sleepy all the time. Whenever I got up, there was a lot more bleeding, so I just stayed in bed.

    Of course I was worried. But I found talking to someone really positive really helps. I have a mentor who is really sweet and she had a complicated pregnancy too, and her baby was premature, but she grew up just fine and she is the sweetest girl on earth. She told me to talk to my baby and sing songs to him/her. I did, and that made me feel so much better. I was calm, and relaxed, and cultivating the mother-child bond.

    Bleeding got worse on 12/22 night, and I had to use a pad instead of a pantyliner. It was moderate bleeding, not really “heavy,” although it was at the heaviest of these two weeks. At around 1am, I had to get up to go to the bathroom to let the clots pass. I didn’t have any contraction cramps at all, just mild cramping, the kind you get when you have to pass clots during menstruation. So at that time, I talked to the baby, and said, if you really need to come out, then go ahead, mommy is not stopping you. I felt really uncomfortable and knew that there is nothing I could do to stop it from happening. There were 3 quarter size clots that looks more like congealed blood, still fairly flexible and not hard. I felt so much better after the clots came out. I called the hospital and asked the advice nurse if I should go to the ER, and she said no, but I should go in to see on on-call doctor the next day. So I went back to sleep.

    I was very sleepy the next morning, and slept until 11am. So I didn’t go to the hospital. The next two days, bleeding was minimal, I had a little bloating, but overall I was feeling good. No cramps. And then I started bleeding slightly more. But nothing alarming.

    On 12/28, the day my appointment was scheduled, I had spotting only, and I went in to see the OB…She did the ultrasound both vaginally and on the abdomen, but found nothing! There was no embryo or placenta left in my uterus. I cried at the office.

    At home, my husband and I grieved for several nights. He took time off of work to spend time with me. It helped to have him around, keeping me company, and helping me around the house. I rested for a couple more days and realized yesterday (1/3) that I no longer miss my baby the way I did before. And after taking better care of my body, I will be more prepared to give this another try.

    Looking back, when I was pregnant, I was quite irritable. Before I knew that I was pregnant, I actually got into a couple of arguments with my dad and my husband. Then after I found out that I was pregnant, I was anxious in the beginning, and then with the bleeding, I was worried. I was being really emotional. Next time around, I will just have a peaceful mind and not have such strong emotional responses. Afterall, now I know what it feels like to be pregnant, and I have even gone through my worst nightmare (having a miscarriage), I now face future pregnancies with more experience, a peace of mind, and even more courage. Good luck and God bless you!

  7. Hi everyone. Thank you all for your replies, it both saddens me and makes me feel less alone to read that other people went through the same kind of Christmas as I did.
    An update on my own situation, as it’s very confusing and I am so lost at the moment…
    Two days after I posted my original message I received the results of Monday’s and Wednesday’s HCG blood tests. Monday’s was 541 and Wednesday’s was 850. The doctor said that while they had not doubled, they had gone up and it was a good positive sign. That night (the Thursday) I started getting ‘period’ cramps, very mild and lasted about ten minutes. I went to the toilet after and on the tissue when I wiped there was a sac-type piece of tissue, longer than it was wide and with little white ‘beads’ inside. I knew this was my undeveloped baby. I cried and cried and my husband was wonderful and just hugged me for hours. Whilst feeling like my heart had been ripped out, I also felt a sense of relief, as though now I knew for sure and didn’t have the dread of what was to come anymore. How stupid I was for thinking like that!
    There was never much blood, mainly just when I wiped (it was red now though not the brown spotting/pink that I had been getting previously) and sometimes it touched the panty liner but never covered a space more than about a £1 coin overnight. This happened the day before Christmas Eve. I spent Christmas Eve resting with my husband and then Christmas Day I went to work, as I work in a dog rescue and despite my boss telling me to stay at home I wanted to go in and see my rescue dogs Christmas day and knew that doing something as fullfilling as my job is would cheer me up. Over the next week I continued to spot, it varied from brown to red with small clots in and back again. Worked all that week, still with tender breasts and still urinating all the time but I just thought oh it will take a week or so for the HCG levels to drop and when they do these symptoms will stop.
    Broke up from work for a week’s holiday on New Years Eve, after passing another large solid ‘clot’ that I presumed was a piece of broken-up placenta, and after a day at work where there had been more blood than usual following the passing of the ‘clot’, bright red blood and the consistancy that I would associate more with a nose bleed or injury than a ‘period’. Worried sick by this point! Took a pregnancy test when I got home, thinking that it had been over a week since I passed the sac/embryo and levels should have dropped. No, still a very strong positive test.
    No blood at all New Years Day, and none on Sunday. Thought it was all over.
    Monday morning I woke up and had passed two big clotty pieces in the night. Then just spotting all day, mainly brown.
    This morning I went for my transvaginal scan appointment, it was originally made when I first went to the doctors with the spotting (seems like a lifetime ago) but my Mum suggested I keep the appointment to make sure everything had ‘passed’ and was ok. I would have been 8 weeks and 2 days today if I had still been pregnant.
    Well the nurse took a pregnancy test firstly and it was positive so I went off for the scan. Scan lady (Sonographer?!) told me after a while of looking that she could not see any sign of a pregnancy. She also said that my tubes were clear when I asked her about possible ectopic problems. Went back in to see the Doctor afterwards for the ‘official’ results and she said the same, that there was no pregnancy seen anywhere (which was no surprise to me having seen what I had passed almost two weeks previously) but that there were ‘dark patches’ in my uterus. I asked if this could be blood/clots waiting to pass and she said ‘possibly yes’. She wanted to run another HCG blood test and said she would ring me this afternoon with the results. And ring me she did. It was just over 2000.
    So two weeks ago, the day before I passed the baby, it was 850 and now it’s 2000? I asked her whether this was high and she replied ‘yes and no’ (how helpful of her!) She then went on to say that they are ‘not ruling out an ectopic at this point’ and I said but the scan lady said she couldn’t see one? And she said ‘just because she couldn’t see it, doesn’t mean it isn’t there’. But I passed the sac and everything I saw it!! I felt like yawping at her!
    I asked her for other scenarios and she said she didn’t like to speculate, but it’s possible my HCG levels continued to increase after the 850 reading and could have reached as high as 25000 before starting to come down so the 2000 I got today could be them coming down. I have to go back again Friday morning for another test to see what the levels are doing. Fingers crossed they have dropped significantly, otherwise I have no idea what is going on! She also said that she had showed my scan pictures etc to another more senior doctor and that she was ‘baffled’ as well! Great!
    I now have a horrible image in my head of unidentified ‘dark patches’ swimming around in my uterus which is disturbing me somewhat. It’s bad enough that I had to lose the baby, but to now be going through all this waiting and uncertainty thinking something is seriously wrong with me is killing me. My husband and Mum have been amazing and I am very lucky to have them. My husband and I are dealing with the loss of our baby, we did have hope for the future but I feel like that’s being taken away now with this hanging over me, as if something has gone horribly wrong inside and things are going to get worse. I asked the nurse if the ‘dark patches’ could be retained placenta that is still producing HCG and she said that it could be, but she won’t commit to anything! I know she isn’t allowed to speculate as such and tell me something that might not be, but I would like to have all possible scenarios so that I can prepare myself! The fact that my scans and HCG levels are ‘baffling’ them all is not reassuring me!
    Thank you all for listening to my ranting, it’s nice to feel that I’m not alone in this dark time, and that you guys can identify with my sadness. Although I wish that none of you had to go through this either!
    Gemma x

  8. I was 6 weeks 4 days pregnant when I had a miscarriage on 28th December. I stood up after working on my computer at home and felt a rush of fluid down my legs, it was a gush of blood everyhwere, lots and lots it was very frightening. The blood just would not stop, all ove rthe floors, carpets everywhere I tried to walk, I had trousers on and there was so much It just soaked through. In the end I just sat on the floor crying in a pool of blood, the scene looked like something for CSI, my husband when pale and was shaking with fear, we rang for an ambulance and I was taken to A & E, even the paramedics were shocked at the amount of blood, In the A & E I felt large clots coming out, the docs came and examined me and removed all the clots and material, they found two little embryos, one still in its gestational sac. I was shocked and sad. I was admitted and put on a drip to help my blood pressure. They took my HCG which was 50,000.
    I was sent home when the bleeding subsided. I had a scan yesterday which showed a small blood clot still in the womb, they said it was best for nature to take its course. I had another HCG test which came back as 780, so now I wait for the bleeding to stop all together and the small clot is disappear.
    I am shocked and sad, two little lives that might have been, gone.
    I hope 2011 is a happier one 🙁

  9. Gemma, I am so sorry for what you have been through. I suffered a missed miscarriage in November and have found it all heartbreaking. I can now feeling more at peace with my situation, but a little bit of me will always remember the pain both emotionally an physically that it has caused. I hope that the doctors stop with their bafflement soon, because it is important forbthem to be clear with you so that you are clear with your own thoughts.

    Please keep us updated on what they say- but also make sure that you rest as I believe that I went back to work too quickly afterwards. As a primary school teacher I felt just like you that I needed to feel good about something each day. In fact, I put extra pressure on myself that was unnecessary.

    Lots of hugs xxx

  10. Hey Gemma, do keep us posted! Sorry that you are experiencing this…But don’t worry too much about the dark spots, it’s probably nothing. Just some of the placenta that hasn’t come out (that is my guess)…Just wait for the blood test result. =) Sometimes the HCG doesn’t come down right away, but don’t worry, something can be done to bring it down. Right now our hormones are all over the place, nothing is really normal anymore.

    Rest your mind and rest your body! My husband keeps reminding me that the best thing I can do right now is to take care of my health. =) I’m sure that lots of people still need your care and your presence, and without good health, there isn’t much we can offer to them.

    A bit more sharing about my story: After stopping bleeding for one week, I started spotting again last night and throughout the day today! I was so surprised! (Even though my ultrasound report was supposed to have normal results…Nothing left in uterus, no procedure needed…) I think it’s just dead blood that needs to come out…I did a blood test today as well to check my HCG.

    My expected due date was Aug 11…

    Sending you good thoughts and hope you get a good night’s sleep! =) Big hugs to you~

  11. I am very saddened to hear all your stories. I hope everything works out for you. I recently was also given some bad news about my pregnancy. I am suppose to be 12w6d pregnant. I went in for my first ultrasound on the 4th and got some very sad news. The ultrasound tech could not find a heartbeat for the baby. I had to then go talk to my doctor after I left the hospital. My doctor had told me that the baby had no heartbeat and it was most likely the past few days when the heart had stopped. He then told me that I have 2 options, I can now either wait for nature to takes it course and my body to pass the fetus or I can get a D&C done which will entail them going in and removing the fetus. I am very torn on what to do at this point. I feel if I just let nature takes it course I will be more at ease about what has happened. I still have that “what if” feeling in my heart. We were also told that the baby was much smaller than it should have been for how far along I was. The fetus was only the size of a 7 week old fetus instead of 12 weeks.
    I hope no one ever has to go through the emotions of this. It is very hard losing a child even when you have never met them.

  12. I am so sorry to hear about everyone’s loss. I went through this recently as well.

    Gemma– I had a molar pregnancy and experienced similar symptons as yours. I had sustained bleeding that would come and go (sometimes brown, sometimes bright red) over a period of 2 weeks (also starting right around 6 weeks) and passed several clots. My hcg also went up during this time. At 8 weeks, I was still experiencing the bleeding, and had a vaginal u/s. They diagnosed me with a molar pregnancy, which is a rare occurrence where the fetus doesn’t grow, but the placenta grows rapidly like a tumor. I had it removed via D&C in November, and my hcg has now gone back down to 0, so I am clear, although they need to continue to monitor me for the next 4 months.

    I am far from a medical expert, but a molar pregnancy can be a serious condition, so I might consider asking your doctor if that is a possibility for you. If so, catching it early on is best. I don’t say this to frighten you, but only to give you some information about this condition (as I wish I had known about it!)

    Best of luck,
    Kiersten

  13. Hi everyone
    Thanks for your replies, all information is useful, the more I am armed with the better I can understand what the doctors say to me!
    Went back today for the repeat blood test, HCG increased by about 100 in two days so an increase but just a tiny one. Doctors continue to be baffled, even senior registar apparently! Great, I’m a medical mystery now!
    I did mention the possibilty of something ‘sinister and frightening’ in there, such as molar or cancerous stuff etc and she was vehement that this was not the case, and it was more likely to be blood and clots waiting to pass. I did see the scan and the dark spots were more like a few small spots dotted around as opposed to one larger piece.
    I have read up on the condition though and am now armed with even more information and will keep that in mind, thank you Kiersten.
    Thanks to all of you for sharing your own stories and support and I hope that 2011 is going to be a good year for us all with nice things happening! I am booked in for a repeat scan and more bloods a week today, so I will let you know what happens then! Unless of course they cart me off for testing for medical science?! My mum has three functioning kidneys, it will just be my luck that I have seven ovaries or something, five hidden away somewhere that they cannot see!!
    As you can probably tell my mood has improved somewhat today, this is thanks to the help of you guys, the help of an old school friend who I have been speaking to who went through miscarriage with her first pregnancy and then went on to have a little girl the following year, and the fact that the doctor although baffled doesn’t appear to be worried about me at the moment which is very reassuring. Apparently every case is very different and just because they haven’t seen anything exactly like my ‘case’ before, doesn’t mean it’s abnormal. Ha.
    Thanks again all, will keep you guys updated.

    Sarah – How did your scan go today? I’ve been thinking of you today, sincerely hope it’s good news for you x

    Karen, Anne-Marie, Marie, Brittany – I’m sorry for all your losses too. Thinking of you guys, you all sound like such lovely people and lovely people don’t deserve things like this to happen to them 🙁 Nice things will happen for us all though, I’m sure of it x

  14. Hi Gemma! I am very sorry to hear that you miscarried and to all of the other woman who have posted, I am truely sorry. I went to see my doctor today at 3:15, but he was not in, so I saw another doctor who saw me and I explained how I was pretty sure I had miscarried because I had blood from Tuesday night til the day after Christmas with clots and a little cramping and that I had taken the other pregnancy test, my husband had bought a 2pack at the store to take when I first suspected I was pregnant, which was confirmed by a very strong clear positive line and confirmed at my first doctor’s appt as well and when I took the other test in the pack I knew it would probably still say positive, due to my HCG levels not all the way down to 0 yet, but when I took it, the line was so faint and barely visible that I knew that probably meant my levels were dropping. Anyways, he gave me lab papers to get my blood work done to make sure my levels had dropped to 0 and I was due for a pap smear and when he did it, he felt my uterus and said it was back down to normal size. When I went to the lab at 4:30, they had already closed at 4, so now I’ll have to wait til Monday and then he wants me to call the office after a week and ask for a doctor so they can confirm my results. I had no scan done, which I wish I would’ve, but I am doing ok now.
    The first day I was going through it I called my cousin’s wife who had gone through two miscarriages, the second being very recently too and had told her that I wish we hadn’t told everyone so soon, she said that my cousin, her husband said, we tell people we care about because we are joyful and want them to share our joy with us, but in doing so, sometimes they share in our loss as well. I just loved that, it made me feel better and hearing other’s stories, altough I hate the sadness people have, sharing stories makes us feel not so alone and that we too are sharing in each other’s loss in a positive way. The same day I miscarried I found out that one of my brother’s friends and his wife have gone through so many miscarriages and she had finally made it to 20 weeks with twins, 1 boy and 1 girl and lost them both the same day I was losing mine and I grieved for them I felt more strongly then my own, even though I hardly know them, because I have two beautiful healthy boys that made me stronger through this because I had to still be their mommy and I knew she didn’t have that and there was nothing anyone could do to give her that. I’m not sure how to end this comment other than to say paying it forward can be the smallest things in life, such as what we all are doing here and to keep paying it forward because you never know how it can affect others and make a difference in at least one person’s life. Gemma, thank you for starting the post and helping others, best wishes and to a brighter new year to all! -Sarah 🙂

  15. Hi Ladies, I am so sorry for your losses. Gemma, I too, had stumped the doctors at my ob/gyn office. I miscarried at 9 weeks (found out at 8 weeks that our baby had passed). I had “active” bleeding for a few hours with cramps and did see the gestational sac. A vaginal ultrasound five days later revealed that I still had a significant amount of “debri” left to pass. I wore a panty liner because I could usually feel when I would need to rush to the bathroom. Nearly three weeks later I was still bleeding and another vaginal ultrasound revealed that I had 2-3 cm of stuff (clots or placenta) remaining. The doctor wanted to move forward with a D&C but I held off for a few days. My bleeding increased and I had to switch to pads. Within those few days, I did pass a large clot and it allowed my hcg to fall to seven (it was origingally at 20,719). Another ultrasound revealed that nothing was left YET I was still bleeding. Two days ago, I passed some tissue which I hope to be the last of it. At day 32 of the miscarriage, I am now only spotting. I would have been 13 weeks, three days. The past several weeks have been the most devastating of my life. I keep praying that each day will get better, but I’m still waiting. Thank you for sharing your story. I know it’s difficult to do but it does help to share. May God bring you many blessings in 2011!

  16. Sarah, I’m so sorry for your loss. I had my fingers crossed that things would be ok for you. But we will have a good 2011!

    Katie, that’s awful 🙁 I’m so sorry that you have suffered such a long, drawn-out miscarriage. It’s the most awful thing I have ever gone through in my life and I could cry at the thought of anyone else going through it, even people I’ve never met.
    Did your hCG levels stay high after you miscarried the majority of ‘stuff’? I am just concerned that my levels continued to go up after I passed the sac, and are still going up now over two weeks after this event. I know it’s only going up a small amount at a time but it’s still going up and not down which seems concerning. The more I think about it and the more days that pass with just spotting and no clots or anything, the more certain I am that there’s another baby in there and it’s ectopic. I am hoping at my next scan on Friday something more certain will show up and they can sort this out for me as I’ve really had enough of it now!
    Thank you for replying, thinking of you x

  17. Hello to you all, I’m so sorry to hear of your losses, sadness and pain, I hope you don’t mind me joining in and sharing my experience with you. I am having an ERPC tomorrow, as I went for a scan at 11+4 days last thursday only to discover our baby’s heartbeat had stoppped at around 9.5 wks. I felt devastated, shocked, gutted, hurt… all those emotions I know you ladies will understand. I went home and had a large drink and sobbed my heart out to my understanding hubbie. This is my third miscarriage. Each has been different. My first occured at xmas 2008, I was 6 weeks and I experienced very heavy bleeding, went to Dr and they told me I was miscarrying and I had no further treatment, help or advice. No blood tests or anything. It was very distressing. I then unintentionally I fell pregnant straight away the following month, with no period inbetween. I felt so happy and blessed. I experienced all the pregnancy symptoms and went for an early scan at 8.5 weeks to be told there was no heartbeat, it had very recently stopped. I felt dreadful, shocked, horrified, how can this happen? I had never even heard of a missed miscarriage. I was booked in straight away for an ERPC and everything was over within a week or so. I found the whole experience and procedure extremely clinical and heartless. As my son was 3 years old at the time (my 1st pregnancy in 2004 went so well, looking back I was so naive and blissfully unaware of the pain one can suffer when things go wrong), I put on a brave face so as not to distress him but about 1 month later the grief set in. I felt my world had collapsed. I was diagnosed with post miscarriage grief reaction and underwent counselling. This helped but what really helped me through this dark period was discovering meditation, reflexology and acupuncture. Whilst having all this treatment. I discovered I was pregnant again. After a nerve-wracking 9 months my 2nd son was born. I’ll never forget that sigh of relief I gave when I heard him cry for the very 1st time. It was as though I had held my breath for 9 months not allowing myself to believe my baby would make it but he did and for that I feel truly thankful and blessed. So up until last thursday we thought we were bringing a baby brother or sister into the world for our son’s but once again this was not to be. Although we have 2 beautiful sons, the pain is still chronic and the sense of loss huge at having lost another baby. I have been pregnant 5 times within the last 6 years. I’m not sure if I can go through this again. Anyway back to tomorrow’s ERPC, I have been bleeding heavily for the past 5 days so I could decide to allow this pregnancy to expel naturally but I have been warned it could be quite a shock as the sac & baby are quite large. So I will go ahead with the procedure. I don’t want to let go of this pregnancy and tomorrow it will be final and I will have to see how my emotions run from there. This time I have not put on a brave face. I feel dreadful and I am not hiding it this time, I am allowing all my feelings to come to the surface. This seems to happen in the middle of the night when the cramps are at there worst so I feel very tired and drained. My little ones are keeping me going. My message would be to all you ladies who have suffered do not give up hope. Allow yourselves to feel whatever you feel and I am wishing you all the very best for the future. Thank you for letting me share my story with you. It really helps to get it out. Big hugs to all xxxx

  18. Gemma, thank you for your kind words. Fortunately, my levels did drop after I passed the gestational sac (granted my hcg levels were not tested for three weeks following the passing). I definitely understand why you’re concerned about your levels. The best thing you can do now is be active in your care. Don’t be afraid to ask for tests, etc. if it’s not offered to you. I am on day 36 now with only spotting. My levels were checked again yesterday…hoping for a zero…which of course feels awful to say. I’m really hoping they were through the roof b/c I really didn’t just go through a miscarriage and everything would be okay. :o( But that’s not reality of course. You are so correct. This is the worst thing I have ever gone through and I’m struggling. I’ve gone from waking up and thinking I can’t believe I’m not pregnant to I can’t believe I have to live like this and ask the Lord when he’ll take me away from this pain. I have to remind myself it’s in His time. I will be praying for you tomorrow as you have your scan. Much love to you.

    Sarah, I am so sorry for your loss…all of your losses. I too, have a child, a 26 month old son and it doesn’t matter how many babies you have when you lose one, a loss is a loss. It doesn’t hurt any less because you already have two sons. Do not think you have to be brave through this tragedy. I keep using the word devastation and I don’t want anyone to think it is anything less. I have been completely honest through this loss and many people have thanked me b/c they don’t know what it is like and want to understand my pain so they can be there for me. I get out of bed b/c I have to take care of my son but it actually hurts to take care of him b/c all I think about is how his sibling is lost to him. My biggest struggle as I try to move forward is that my B-I-L and wife are pregnant and due within 16 days of our would-have-been due date. How am I supposed to heal as I see her belly grow and look at her child and not think of my loss and my pain. It sounds selfish…but it’s my feelings. I just want my child back. I will pray for you as you go through the procedure. At least when the physical part of it is complete you can focus on your emotions. I’m waiting for that for me, I do think it’s near. Much love to you as well.

    I wish all of you ladies the best for the future. Thank you for allowing me to openly share my experience and pain. God bless.

  19. Hi again sorry to hear your stories. I had one at the start of this year at 12 weeks.

    I had the flu jab @ 11 weeks on xmas eve started spotting xmas day (initially I passed the bleeding off as the flu jab and thought the spotting would clear away) through to new yrs eve it got heavier and heavier until eventually I passed the fetus sunday 02/01/11

    I was heartbroken. I was pregnant with my second after a healthy baby born @ 40 weeks+ I never ecpected this would happen to me was total shock. Im still trying to find a reason as to why it has happened. I dont like the fact i misscarried near to the end of the first trimester after 8 weeks where chances of misscarriage drop dramatically once a heart beat has been detected, where you should ideally be out of the danger zone.

    I cant help thinking its my body that expelled it and something is wrong with me and not chromosomes defect Im convinced this baby was healthy for it to get to 12 weeks and dread the thought of it happening again at a later stage of the pregnancy.

    I will never forget this little one and the fantacies I built up in my head of what 2011 was going to bring me, I just pray that there will be a day where I get to hold another beautiful baby in my arms

    althou there is a big void and a sence of something is missing and a feeling of ‘my body should still be prgnant’ Im lucky enough to count my blessings every day i hold my baby girl and pray she remains her healthy self.

    Stay strong and God bless…

  20. While I am sorry for all of you, reading everyone’s posts has made me feel that I am not completely alone in going through this. I just had a miscarriage on Friday 1/15 at work just after lunch. In fact, I had my friend/co-worker abruptly cancel a presentation that I was going to give that afternoon while I hid in an office trying to get in touch with my doctor. I am dreading having to face people at work and tell them what happened. I don’t want to them to think I was acting so oddly because I just felt sick. I also don’t want to have to lie and pretend I had the flu when I am actually hurting so deeply.

    My husband and I had been trying for a baby since last spring. Ever since I went off birth control, my cycles were so irregular and the luteal phase was always short. Finally, in December, I used progesterone after I ovulated and I got pregnant! All the stress and worry of the past months melted away, and I felt such joy and peace. However, last Tuesday, I woke up and my breasts didn’t hurt that bad and I just knew that I wasn’t pregnant anymore. My mom and friend and mentor all reassured me that I just needed to be patient, and that pregnancy is a long road of constant worry over every little changing symptom or lack of symptoms. I prayed and had faith and calmed myself only to lose it all in a matter of minutes on Friday afternoon.

    I was only 5 weeks and 4 days pregnant, but there was so much hope and excitement. It is amazing how much you can love something so quickly. I was so happy I could give my husband something so special too. In many ways, I am thankful I didn’t carry the baby longer. It would have just hurt more, but at the same time, I wonder why I even had to get pregnant at all to have it taken away so quickly.

    I have been very tearful for the past two days. I feel like maybe I am overreacting. After all, I was just a few weeks into the pregnancy. But, I feel such despair – basically the same amount I felt when my dad died suddenly eight years ago. I know so many pregnant women and women with new babies, and it just kills me to even think about going near them. Why do they get to have the joy? I almost feel like I don’t deserve it and those few short weeks that I was pregnant were a cruel joke.

    I also worry about my period returning. Can any of you share your experience with trying to conceive after miscarriage? I feel like the only thing that will make me feel better at this point would be to have another shot at pregnancy.

    God Bless you all and thank you for being so open in sharing you stories.

  21. I wanted to thank all of you for sharing your own personal stories, it has helped me greatly in coping with my own. I had an appointment on Dec. 23rd 2010 and I was finally able to get my 18 week ultrasound, which was a week and a day past due. When I got my ultra sound the tech was showing us the baby’s head and so on then when she tried to go down further to see if she could tell gender she got really quiet and then asked who my doctor was. A few moments later she returned with my doctor and showed him the ultra sound images. He looked at me and said he hated to be the one to tell me but the ultra sound wasn’t showing up how it should be, he thought something was seriously wrong. He said he couldn’t see that it had developed properly from below the chest. He talked to me and let me know that he didn’t think that I was going to carry my pregnancy full term or if I did my baby was going to die rather quickly. He set me up with an appointment at a perinatal and diagnostic center so I could get answers fast.

    I went to the Perinatal and diagnostic center on Dec. 29th 2010, They took information about my family history and my own medical history. They gave me a diagnostic ultra sound which was a lot clearer than the one I had just taken on the 23rd. The doctor confirmed what I was told on the 23rd. More specifically I was told my baby wasn’t developing correctly all it’s organs from below its chest were on the outside of its body and it hadn’t developed much on the lower extremities. It also has 2 twist in it’s spine and had spinal fluid leaking into it’s brain and to top it all off my amniotic fluid was too low for being 19weeks. The doctor told me my baby had a 0% chance to live. It didn’t even have 1% chance or anything. He talked to me and my boyfriend about what our options where and either way it was scary and upsetting. I could continue my pregnancy and wait to miscarry, if in the event I didn’t miscarry I would give birth to a baby who will be dead in the process, or I could have an induction, which is going into early labor that is medically induced. He told us our financial options as well and found out if in the even we decided to do the induction if my local hospital preformed the procedure or not. My local hospital of course didn’t do the procedure so in the event that we decided to I would need to make an appointment with him. He told us to go home and think about what we wanted to do so we don’t make any decision we’d end up regretting.

    My sister picked us up from the hospital and I had to explain that the doctor told me my baby had no chance of surviving. She tried to cheer me up but my worst fear had been confirmed, I just felt like crawling in a hole and dying. Ryan(my boyfriend) and I got home and were flooded with phone calls to see how the appointment went. Ryan handeled most of the calls so I didn’t have to repeat everything a million times. We finally talked about what we might do the next day. While we were at the appointment we asked the doctor if the baby was in pain he could neither confirm or deny if it was. I had been constantly sick and had sever cramps since I had started the second trimester, I never thought twice that it was indicating something was wrong. We decided to do the induction because I felt that if I were in as much pain as I was then our baby was probably suffering too especially with the problems it had. I called the doctor and set everything up.

    Jan 6th 2011, I had my appointment at the perinatal center and they inserted seaweed sticks into me so I would dilate. I was to come back at 3:00pm so I could repeat these steps again. At my 3:00pm appointment I repeated the procedure and was hurting so bad I ended up throwing up after it was finished. The doctor gave me a prescription to fill, I was to take 1 that night and 2 first thing when I woke up next day. The medicine was to cause contractions. The hospital set me up with a hotel close by so we could be back at 7:15am.

    At 7:15am on Jan 7th 2011, I was admitted into the labor and delivery hall. I met a wonderful nurse who attended to me, she had once been on the opposite end of the table in my shoes. She was very helpful. My doctor came in at about 8am and took out the seaweed sticks it was extremly painful and replaced them with 2 tables to help me contract. By 12pm my nurse came in and put 2 more pills into my vaginal area. She also hooked my Iv up with phenagrin to help with nausea. I was cramping so bad it hurt to move or lie still. I asked my nurse for something to help ease the pain she recommended getting an epidural. So I got one and it eased the pain. At 2:49pm the doctor came in to see if my cervix had opened up enough, it apparently had. He told he to push, and then he told me to push again and out came my baby. It was already dead when I had delivered it but they cleaned it off and wrapped it in a blanket and let me hold it. They left the room and I looked down at my baby it was so tiny and looked so peacful lying there like it was asleep. I cried my eyes out because I wanted more than anything to be able to hold my baby and everything just be okay. I stayed over night and now have been out for a week and a day. I named my baby Angel though the sex was undetermined because im my eyes no matter what was wrong it will always be our perfect angel.

    I’ve had a hard time in dealing with the loss of my baby but somedays are better than others and I do plan to try again someday. I would never wish anything like what any of us have been through on anyone. Though I had to make a decision because my baby was dying and had no chance to live and so many of you all were given no choice or answeres to what was wrong I wish all of us the best of luck in our future life journeys and hope we learn and heal as best we can from these experiences.

  22. Thanks Katie and Amanda for your kind words, and so many of your thoughts and emotions echo mine.

    Amanda, I had the flu jab in early Jan. I found it was a difficult choice to make but one that I felt was right at the time (also there was a lot of media attention surrounding it). I kept telling myself that I would not have been able to forgive myself if later on in the pregnancy I got flu and something happened to the baby. As it happens, the heartbeat had already stopped right before I had the jab, I just didn’t know it at the time.

    I also found it difficult to accept losing a baby late on in the 1st trimester, I read on the internet that once you see a heartbeat (I saw it twice at 7 wks and 9 weeks) the risk of miscarriage drops to about 1.65% but who knows what these statistics are based on. But at the time I felt hopeful that things could be going ok. Although I have to say I did not have strong pregnancy symptoms. I wasn’t feeling sick in the morning and I didn’t have breast tenderness. However I was feeling tired and going to the loo frequently. Again I checked the internet and it said this is perfectly normal but in the back of my mind (especially having had 2 previous m/c) I felt things might not be as they should. Unfortunately no hormone tests were carried out but I have a gut feeling I may have had low progesterone levels. My mum suffered with this and had to have injections throughout her pregnancies but Dr’s I have spoken to about this recently have dismissed this.

    Amanda, I understand when you say you feel something is wrong with your body and not the baby’s chromosomes. I remember sobbing through an acupuncture session telling the Dr my body feels like it doesn’t work properly and if it did then why would it not hold on to the pregnancy. But we went on to have a full term, healthy pregnancy shortly after and during this heartbreaking time I am continually holding on to that. I am sure your prayers will be answered and you will hold another beautiful healthy baby in your arms.

    Katie, I had a similar experience to you wih regards to your B-I-L and his wife being due so close to when you were due. That is such a painful situation. I had 2 friends with exactly the same due date as me with my 2nd m/c Nov 4th 2008 and it was so hard trying to smile and feel happy for them when I saw how their bellies were growing and mine wasn’t. In truth after a while I had to distance myself slightly for my own sanity, it was just too painful to see them. One friend totally understood, the other one didn’t. We no longer speak to each other which is a shame but in times like this you need good, understanding friends who will see you through the difficult times. It’s more complicated when its family though, I understand that.

    The ERPC on Friday went as ok as it possibly could. The nurses at the hospital were fantastic, so caring and lovely, that really helped. Also having unfortunately been through this before I didn’t have the shock and fear of the unknown, so I made sure I said my goodbyes to my little one and I wrote a little letter telling him/her that I love her and if and when she’s ready to come back we will welcome him/her with open arms. I was sobbing all the way to the operating room and a kind nurse held my hand, which was comforting. But when I woke up I felt strangely ok and it felt like the past 2-3 months had all been a bad dream. Its very surreal and very different to how I have felt in the past but I guess no 2 situations are ever identical plus its early days.

    I think what may have helped me cope slightly better this time was that I insisted on investigation, and the Dr (after some convincing) agreed to send the foetus for cytogenetic testing to ascertain whether there was any cause for m/c. I am also being reffered to the recurrent miscarriage clinic for tests and ultrasound. Again, I had to insist on this as the Dr initially tried to discourage it. Why, I do not know. If its available and can potentially provide answers I believe it should be available to all women who suffer in this way. I also believe part of the frustration and upset is caused by being told its just ‘bad luck’ when a pregnancy ends in miscarriage. I personally feel better with this loss being acknowledged and investigated. So we shall see what the outcome is in due course. They may well come back with cause unknown but I feel better just knowing we have tried.

    In the past for my 2 previous miscarriages I have gone to a park near where I live that holds very special memories for me, and released a helium balloon for each of the babies I have lost. I will do that again soon for this baby. I find that saying a few words and releasing a ballon to the sky is my little way of saying goodbye. I have a friend who suffered 6 m/c and she kept a little pair of socks for each one. Incidentally she now has 2 beautiful boys. I find doing something like this really helps and comforts me.

    I’ve never written on a website before but I’m finding it really helpful to get it all out so thank you for taking the time to read my experiences. Just being able to share your thoughts and feelings with other ladies who understand is a great help during this grieving period.

    I hope you all stay strong, continue to heal and look after yourselves.

    Big hugs xxx

  23. hi,

    never written on one of these before, but for some reason i felt i wanted to on here.
    sorry to all of you for having to be in this position i know how awful it can be.

    I fell pregnant oct last year after 4 other miscarriages, last 2 were between july and sept of the same year!!!!

    I had an early scan, which didnt show much as was too early, but when went back 2 weeks later at 8 weeks 2 days, there was my beautiful baby with its little heart beating ten to the dozen, even my partner who i have never seen cry welled up when he saw, we skipped off afterwards after being told all was fine and we were not classed as high risk any more.

    i decided to go back to work as had prev been signed off due to anxiety, through the thought i would lose again.

    I had spotted a variety of colours all through the pregnancy but on weds 23rd dec something just didnt feel right when i was getting ready for work, and there was red blood on the towel when i got out the shower. so i rang nhs direct and the midwife who said go and e. when we got there was seen by nurse and doc, but noone seemed concerned in slightest but booked me in for scan for 2 hours later just in case.
    as no one seemed concerned in a and e i sent o/h home as he had been on night shift and went back on my own, big mistake.

    was seen by an abrupt horrible doctor and his trainee who scanned me and started saying to other doc, “nope cant see it can you” at which point i knew it wasnt good. however they then started making me look at the baby ( I was 10 weeks at this point) pointing out babies head arms legs and finally pointing out its heart, with them doing this i thought all was ok until he went “this should be beating and its not. Its dead” and told me to get dressed.

    I burst into tears and was escorted into a room where i rang my o/h who said he would come asap.
    the na offered me tea and doc said i would be scanned again and i was sent on my way to return in the morning they never even let me wait until o/h got there to collect me.

    returned next day and had oit confirmed and then was made to sit in waiting room with all the happy scans going on for 2 hours waiting for doc to speak to me.

    i went with an erpc as it being a missed miscarriage my body was not going to recognise the loss and i didnt want to see baby as i had missed naturally before and seen it.

    erpc happened xmas eve, with complications was in there over 2 hours, bleeding heavy and fitting reaction to anesthetic. although they never told my other half just let him sit there worrying and asking questions to which they wouldnt answer.

    when i returned they said i was rhesus negative and needed anti d injection, they should of picked this up before but they lost my tests after last misscarriage.

    going back on 9th of feb for test results so fingers crossed i find out what keeps killing my precious babies. cremation dservice is a week before, on the day i should of been having my sixteen week checkup.

    i am sorry for rambling on but its first time i have been able to get it all out, no one wants to speak about it with me, you can see it makes them uncomfortable, and no one knows what to say. i had told most people you see so had lots to tell it had happened, glad i had told people though it was easier than people not knowing.

    i hope all in here never has to go through this again and the next time, we have beautiful happy healthy babies, my love and hugs to you all

  24. I’m so sad to read everyone elses horrible experiences 🙁
    Danielle I’m sorry to hear about the insensitive way the doctors treated you, it’s heartbreaking enough without that making things worse.
    I have found it really helped me to talk about it so if you ever need anyone to talk to who knows what you are going through I am here and all of us are here for you.
    Hope so much that 2011 is a better one for us all. Let us now how your test results go and will be thinking of you for your babys cremation service.
    Gemma x x
    born2misbehave@hotmail.com

  25. hello ladies- i have just read through this entie site for the first time and thank god i’m alone right now. i can’t keep from crying as i read all of your stories. how heartbreaking and cruel nature can be and i am terribly and truely sorry for all of us.
    my fiance and i have been together almost 7yrs now. at first he didn’t really want children for fear of turning into his father and a simple fear of responsibility. he quickly changed his tune when i first became pregnant, august of 2009. i was so excited and all i could think about was this baby and how life would be so much more worth living. names and colors and lessons learned from parents and grandparents and how i just wanted to introduce this little ‘life’ to this great big world……nevermind…i was 5 weeks when i started spotting, not too bad, light pink and virtually no cramping so i chocked it up to be just my body adjusting since this was my first pregnancy. being so excited i told everyone-family, friends, my work, his family, everyone! so when i saw the clots i simply shut down. at first, for me, it starts as dissapointment..i’m the only one that knows at this point- the emotional hysterics start once i have to say it out loud to people- telling my fiance was the hardest one and he cried with me. so i was upset for a while and i see all these women out there who don’t seem to really care about their children but they keep having them, and then i see all these amazing women who can’t seem to even get one! it gets me thinking about these things- my sister for instance, a heroine addict among other things, she has two beautiful girls that my family and thier fathers raise-she does not have custody- she has had 8…8!..abortions and two ectopic pregnanies and all she wants is to party. my brother’s wife (both of them drug addicts) just gave birth two days ago to a 4lb baby girl. 4lbs cuz she was smoking crack and rolling on E while she was preg. these people do not deserve children! i find that anger towards these situations just confuse me more.
    so, that was my first miscarriage- on spet 7th of 2010 i found out i was preg again- this time my feelings are contradicted- i’m excited and fearful. i think the exciting part was that it was our 6yr anniversary the same day i found out- then i was just biting my nails. exactly two weeks to the day i started gushing blood and the pain was unbelievable! made a doc appoinment and found out that everything came out and there was absolutely no trace that i was even preg. now i am completely devastated. i didn’t even want to go to his mother’s house beacause his little nephews were gonna be there and i just didn’t want to be around children ya know?
    we’ve continued trying ever since but nothing happens. the reason i came on this site this morning is because i woke up with my period. it’s the same every month-dissapointment on the first ‘spot’. i just turned 29 and i feel like i don’t wanna be too much older to start having children. my father is 64 this year and he’s raising my 4yr old adopted sister! that is not going to be me! everyone thinks she’s mine, they never think she’s the 64yr olds daughter. i hate having to explain…no she’s my little sister, i don’t have children.
    my mother was 17 when i was born and i have always been proud of myself for not getting preg at such a young age but maybe i just can’t at all. maybe it wasn’t luck-doctors won’t do any fertility tests of any kind until i have another miscarriage- well i don’t really want to wait for that and go through this again. i feel like if i miscarry again i’m not going to want to keep trying- at that point i will look into adoption. there are thousands of children on this planet already without a home.
    i would like to thank all of you for posting your stories-it seems i’m not positive about this subject anymore and reading all of these gives me a sense that i’m not alone and even if i can’t seem to find much hope nowadays, it’s nice to know that other people still have hope.
    one last paragraph before i go- my fiance has been as wonderful as he can be without really knowing how it feels inside. he says that the first pregnancy was a girl (he just knows these things he says) and the second pregnancy was a boy. the funny thing is that i thought the same thing even though i never said it out loud. thamk god for loving, good men!
    good luck to all of us and may the fates be on our sides.

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