I wrote back in May about starting to try again for a baby with my new husband.
We’ve tried for three cycles, which I know isn’t a lot compared to so many journeys, but we really only have one try left. It’s a very strange place to be, walking up to the edge of this part of my life, and looking out over all the possibilities but knowing most likely, we’ll be heading back the way we came, to adoption.
My doctor and I agreed that in the fall we’d schedule the uterine ablation and sterilization. I haven’t called yet. Haven’t made any appointments. I should have by now, but I find whenever I sit down to do it, I can’t quite make myself. Even though there’s a bit of a wait for an appointment, and I know I should get in there, as I don’t want any sort of surgery to coincide with my holiday work schedule (which is grueling), I just don’t. It’s admitting we’re at the end.
As most of you know, whether conceiving for the first time or trying for a rainbow baby, each month gets harder. You feel yourself moving further from your goal. The baby dancing gets not-as-much-fun. Your hope dwindles. You fear you have something to face, and you don’t want to look it in the eye yet.
I know mine is all about age. I’ve been using my own Sperm Meets Egg Plan, perhaps even extra aggressively since my eggs might not last long, so twice a day rather than once. I know we’ve nailed the timing, but even with the super early tests to watch for attempted and failed implantation, we’ve seen nothing.
I’ve had every pregnancy symptom in the book—frequent urination, sore boobs, cramping, nausea, and last month even got a little spotting at the time of implantation. How is that for a cruel body? But nothing. It’s amazing how the body can manufacture the things you want most.
So I feel so much closer to so many of you out there. Even though I talk to dozens of women every day, most of you don’t know where I am. And that’s just fine. I don’t bring it up. But I’m feeling your pain, how the baby seems to be slipping away, that future you could see for a while. What’s next is figuring out how to live with it.