The Dog Days of TTC

I wrote back in May about starting to try again for a baby with my new husband.

We’ve tried for three cycles, which I know isn’t a lot compared to so many journeys, but we really only have one try left. It’s a very strange place to be, walking up to the edge of this part of my life, and looking out over all the possibilities but knowing most likely, we’ll be heading back the way we came, to adoption.

My doctor and I agreed that in the fall we’d schedule the uterine ablation and sterilization. I haven’t called yet. Haven’t made any appointments. I should have by now, but I find whenever I sit down to do it, I can’t quite make myself. Even though there’s a bit of a wait for an appointment, and I know I should get in there, as I don’t want any sort of surgery to coincide with my holiday work schedule (which is grueling), I just don’t. It’s admitting we’re at the end.

As most of you know, whether conceiving for the first time or trying for a rainbow baby, each month gets harder. You feel yourself moving further from your goal. The baby dancing gets not-as-much-fun. Your hope dwindles. You fear you have something to face, and you don’t want to look it in the eye yet.

I know mine is all about age. I’ve been using my own Sperm Meets Egg Plan, perhaps even extra aggressively since my eggs might not last long, so twice a day rather than once. I know we’ve nailed the timing, but even with the super early tests to watch for attempted and failed implantation, we’ve seen nothing.

I’ve had every pregnancy symptom in the book—frequent urination, sore boobs, cramping, nausea, and last month even got a little spotting at the time of implantation. How is that for a cruel body? But nothing. It’s amazing how the body can manufacture the things you want most.

So I feel so much closer to so many of you out there. Even though I talk to dozens of women every day, most of you don’t know where I am. And that’s just fine. I don’t bring it up. But I’m feeling your pain, how the baby seems to be slipping away, that future you could see for a while. What’s next is figuring out how to live with it.

3 thoughts on “The Dog Days of TTC

  1. Hey Deanna,

    I just read this post. I can so relate! I am going to be 44 next month, and we still try every month and wait for the dreaded day when I have to tell my husband, not this month. I know in my head, my time is over. There is always that little bit of hope though. We endured so many cycles of fertility meds and procedures and did finally conceive our beautiful 4 year old son..despite my endometriosis. Two years ago, without meds or procedures, we conceived on our own! Then on our first ultrasound appointment, we found out our baby had died. To our shock a month later, pregnant again without medication or procedures. Again, at our first ultrasound our baby had a very slow heartbeat and by the next week her heart had completely stopped. Testing confirmed she had trisomy 10. We were so hopeful, thinking we had kicked infertility..only to never get pregnant again. I understand you statement about trying to figure out how to live with it. I can’t make myself have the hysterectomy I really need. I am not sure how to stop the hope….

  2. Deanna,
    I want you to know I am praying specifically that God would bless you with another baby.
    If that is not his will, that an adoption would fill that space in your heart. You have blessed so many women. I’ve had 4 miscarriages in a year, 2 of them sent me to the hospital for a delivery. Your site is the best source of info. I have found on the net. It has given me the basic info. I have needed to make good decisions and to understand my body and this process. God bless you… I am praying!

  3. Hi Ladies,
    I too can so relate to your sadness. I am 40 yo and lost our first and only baby at 16 weeks last December. I should be 8 1/2 months pregnant with our sweet Michael but instead I am struggling with grief of living without him. My husband and I are TTC again as due to my age we don’t have time on our side. We are looking into adoption which I know in my heart is our way to have our long desired family. But giving up on the hope of conceiving is so difficult. May God help all of us find our way to make our family complete.
    Best wishes,
    Michael’s Mom

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