Deanna
I’m losing faith in God
It is hard to imagine a loving, compassionate God who would let things like this happen. What did an unborn baby ever do to deserve this? What have you done?
You may feel your faith is being tested right now, and it is completely understandable that you will doubt in God. Regardless of your religion, “Why, God?” is a universal question when we face suffering. In many ways, you will have to think your way through your conflicting feelings about a God that you love and believe in, but you feel has failed you. Your clergy, pastor, preacher, rabbi, or priest may be able to help.
I thought of it this way: God is here for us. He will carry us through our troubles if we let Him, but He does not guarantee that life will go as we wish. Death and suffering are part of our life, and our faith is there to help us through it, not prevent it. The last thing I wanted to do in my hour of need was to cut myself off from the only person who would not say something thoughtless or let me down–God.
At the bottom of this post, please feel free to add your ideas about managing these hard days in your religion.
Thoughts for Christians
We should always remember that earth is not heaven. Heaven is our reward for going through trials, pain, and suffering of this earth and remaining faithful Christians. God does not always answer our prayers in exactly the way we want, but He is there, listening, and caring. Many words from the Bible are comforting for moms going through miscarriage. Here are a few:
About your baby:
Isaiah 49:1 – The LORD called me from the womb, from the body of my mother he named my name.
Jeremiah 1:5 – Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you.
About you:
Isaiah 41:10 – So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Mark 11:24 – Therefore I say to you whatever things you ask when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you will have them.
Jeremiah 33:6 – Behold, I will bring you health and cure, and I will cure you, and will reveal unto you the abundance of peace and truth.
Sarah W. passed along her experience with angels.
Both times I had to have the D&C, I asked the angels to just help me get through. The first time was more like a dire plea for help, with no politeness or really gratitude, it was more like ‘please just get me through this hell, any angels out there just please take me away somewhere and then bring me back once it is all over’ kind of plea. But strangely it really worked, and all through the experience I felt a huge love and support carrying me through. I managed to get through surgery being delayed for 4 hours, waking up half way through the procedure because I stupidly told them I was a sensitive person and they took this to mean I won’t need as much drugs, whereas I actually meant that I can feel the pinprick of a needle already a foot away before it has touched my skin, kind of sensitivity. Anyway, I got through it with lightness and sometimes even laughter.And the same last Friday when I went for my 11 week scan and discovered there was no heartbeat. I had to wait until Tuesday (2 days ago) to have the dnc and asked again for the angels to just get me through the weekend without me miscarrying myself or having any complications or fear. It seems to have gone well again, and I felt all Saturday and Sunday a huge feeling of love and compassion surrounding me.My belief in angels comes from a personal experience I had about 5 years ago following a break up of a long term relationship. One night while alone in the house, I experienced and felt (but not saw) a very overpowering energy envelope me, giving me the feeling of infinite, unconditional, and overwhelming, far beyond anything I can explain or have experienced, love. It completely freaked me out at the time of course, and it took me a few years to assimilate the experience, and all I can equate it to, in my mind, is that it really was an angelic presence.
So, occasionally, when I remember that I am also a spiritual being and not simply just a physical one, I remember to call on these guardians to support me through difficult times, and I recommend anyone try it. One doesn’t need a candle, a ritualistic approach, or any trite incantation to make it happen. For me, simply by asking from the heart, begging even (which most of us really want to do at times like this), wherever you are – in the car, in bed, in the hospital room, or at the midwife, just ask the angels to come and help you, to give you comfort, to get you through it, to just relieve some of your pain, or whatever you personally need or want, and you may be surprised what occurs.
I think a spiritual outlook or a philosophical approach can be the most invaluable at times like this. After all, us women are creators, we can create and nurture new life. That is so magical, and we have such a strength to be able to do that and to continue to try to do that. We mustn’t let the medical profession rationalise it too much, and get too bogged down in talk of chromosomes, progesterone…etc, but remember that something far more magical is at work, and we are the magicians.
Thoughts for Buddhists
Sent in by Derek
Thank you for your time and effort in developing and maintaining your website. My wife and I found it to be a great help.
We are Buddhists, and perhaps you would consider posting this regarding our recent loss.
We believe that we choose our life; our parents, our family, our friends, how we live, and how we die.
We believe that the life who chose us, did so to bring us joy, and to allow us to experience being parents.
We hope that next time, he/she will stay longer, and help us to experience even more joy.
Derek
Thoughts for Mormons
Sent in by Melanie
My name is Melanie, I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I have recently lost my first baby, whom I had been waiting for three years. I t was been an extremely hard thing for me, but there is one thing that has brought me peace more than anything. As members of the church we believe that Families can be together forever, meaning that your relationship with your husband and children does not end at death. When we get married in the Temple, we are married for time and eternity. We believe that there will be a time that we will see each other again and we will live together as a FAMILY. This has brought me hope and has reminded me of how merciful God is that he will allow us to be with the people we love them most for the rest of our lives. There is a great website that explains this hope that I am talking about and it is
http://www.mormon.org/blog/solace-after-loss-loved-one
I invite every single woman who is going through the same thing I am going through, to visit this website. I promise them that this will bring hope and happiness to them and their families.
Add Your Own
If you would like to contribute additional verses from your own personal trove of scripture or sacred text of any religion, feel free to add them in the comments below.
Miscarriage strikes women of every religion, and we find solace in our beliefs no matter where they originate.
Body formation is a process that informs. Though a baby may not always be the result, the process is infusing/triggering knowledge on a cellular level. More frequently than not, the next attempt will result in a perfect baby. Nothing good is ever wasted, nor even lost permanently. That said, I have had 2 very early miscarriages (4 live births) and in spite of what I know to be true, I have to experience the ride of emotions anyway. Each day melting into the next, extra sleep, until I feel gradually more lively again. It is definitely a focus – changing event. So I let it. Change my focus for a time.
My middle daughter had miscarriage 2 &1/2 years ago and still no baby .She and I have both prayed and prayed still nothing.Last week she has symptoms of pregnancy all week.Today got her period ,another let down for her.She has no children yet.She works in a day care center is very good with children.When she lost her baby @ 7 weeks ( it stopped growing at 7 weeks ahe carried to 13 since doctors refuse to see you till 12 weeks now) .. Any how she lost her baby and a week later her younger sister gave birth to her nephew full term ( not exactly healthy but close enough ) . Just one those things I know she was both happy about her nephew being born and sad for her own loss at same time.
When will she get her Rainbow baby?There are these Mothers we read about killing babies ,newborns yet she who would be a amazing Mother can not have one.There is drug addicted mothers giving birth but she takes nothing yet again no baby yet. Just a Mom/ Grandma Fighting for my daughter…
When my husband and I found out that our baby had no heartbeat, no growth as of 7wks 4 days we were shocked, devastated. But I know that God allowed it to happen to make us stronger for his honor and glory. Although I was sad and heartbroken that I would never hold my baby, I knew the promise God had already given me, my baby is in heaven with him and I will meet my baby one day because I have accepted the free gift Jesus has given when he died for our sins on the cross at calvary. He paid for my sins and yours. I believe he rose from the grave on the third day. He is God! He has a plan and I’m blessed to have an amazing, wonderful, mighty God. He will not forsake you. He gave me this promise also while going through this trial in my life; As thou knowest not what is the way of the spirit, nor how the bones do grow in the womb of her that is with child: even so thou knowest not the works of God who maketh all.
Ecclesiastes 11:5 KJV. I thought of Job in the bible who lost everything, he never cursed God. Or David who lost his first son after 7 days. He knew that he would see his child in heaven. I have faith and his grace to get me through this grievous time. To God be the glory!
I am a christian and have been all my life. When I look around me I am overwhelmed with the evidence of the Lord’s work in my life.
I am having my second miscarriage in 6 months after trying for a long time and even starting to investigate the possibility of infertility. I am in my late 30s.
My first miscarriage was just past 6 weeks and it just happened.
This second one is not so easy because it seems the baby stopped growing at 7 or 8 weeks but the miscarriage didn’t become apparent until 11 weeks. I’ve opted to have a natural miscarriage at home so we are waiting but it is scary because it is not like anything we have been told or have read about. First came very bad cramps and one evening of moderate bleeding, then the cramps continued for over a week while the bleeding reduced to what could be termed as very dark heavy spotting. Then the cramps relaxed and the bleeding nearly dried up but still no passage of anything more. Then yesterday there was finally a clot and a bit of tissue but still very little blood. The waiting is torturous and the fact that my husband and I have no idea what to expect given that my experience doesn’t seem to be textbook is really frustrating and worrying.
When the bleeding and cramping started we didn’t know we’d miscarried yet and I and my family prayed like crazy for the Lord to save this pregnancy. Then as the cramping persisted and kept us awake at night we started to worry that we were indeed losing this baby too… but until it was confirmed at an internal exam we held onto the hope that the Lord would save this one… but I wasn’t sure how to pray under the circumstances so I prayed for His will to be done even while it broke my heart because I suspected the His will wasn’t in line with my desperate wishes.
Since then I have continued to pray for the Lord’s providence and protection because I am broken and yet I still trust in Him to do what’s best for us. I think that defines my faith.
I’m angry and disappointed and scared about the risks of this delayed miscarriage and what’s in the future. But I also know that I have come this far because of Him and He will not abandon me. I also break down in unguarded moments but for the most part I’ve accepted this loss and am ready to move forward. We also would like to understand why this happened but we’re told that since this is only our second miscarriage an investigation cannot be done.
And I am still hopeful that at some point in the future our baby or babies will come. These 2 weren’t it. The Lord’s plans and timing aren’t always identical to ours. But I am confident in His plan for me.
I’ve had 10 miscarriages. 3 of them with my current partner and 2 1 year apart nearly to the day. My most recent loss hurts the most for a variety of reasons. With that pregnancy, we knew we were pregnant almost immediately. My test results came up positive at the earliest I’d ever had a positive result (3 weeks). Because of my previous losses, my OB/GYN gets me right in and since I had a blood test to prove I was pregnant he was more willing to work me in. We had an ultrasound at 4 weeks, where he couldn’t see her, and at 5 weeks he still couldn’t see her. So we went in for a more specialized ultrasound at 6 weeks to prove it was an Intrauterine pregnancy and not ectopic. That ultrasound went well, but no heartbeat was seen. At 7 weeks we went back in to my OB and we saw a small flutter. His measurements detected the heartbeat, but indicated it was too slow to be healthy. He ended the ultrasound abruptly and told us that we’d probably lose this one too. We nearly died, our hopes and dreams dying by inches. He scheduled an ultrasound the following week and I brought my mom. She got in a car accident on the way up to our appointment. We were late to the appointment, but my OB is understanding and he saw us anyway. He did the ultrasound and confirmed that she had died. We were crushed, but made the decision to do a D&C so we could get genetic testing and find out WHY it had happened again. 2 weeks later 2 days after our birthdays and anniversary on the day we should have been finding out her gender, we had the D&C.
I felt the urge to die, and it was so strong. I almost gave in, but I’d promised my partner I wouldn’t let him survive this on his own that I would fight. Despite my own reluctance I fought to stay alive. I was hopeful that the answers would come, we’d make whatever changes were recommended and we’d have the next pregnancy start without a hitch. I stopped bleeding really quickly after the D&C-which shocked me, because that is never the way my luck runs. We had our follow-up appointment. We saw the paperwork stating our baby was a girl-Cali Alexys. The next line nearly killed me. She was genetically perfect. There was no flaw or abnormaility in any of her DNA. Once again we had done all the hard work and paid a ton of money for answers only to be told there were none.
My family is Mormon(LDS) so we had lots of Priesthood blessings. In the first I was told our baby would be born healthy and at full term. The blessing didn’t say a baby or any of the ambiguous stuff I normally hear so I started to have hope. I started to let go of my fear. After the appointment where our Dr told us she may be dead we had another blessing. That blessing told me essentially that God would do what He wanted to and I didn’t get to tell him what to do. It had me madder than a hatter. After she died I was even more mad. The Test Results didn’t help. I’m still angry and I don’t see that changing anytime soon.
We made a conscious decision to try again. Instead of getting pregnant I started to bleed anytime I tried to get pregnant and the bleeding would continue for 6-12 weeks. It took nearly a year to get that straightened out. We’ve moved twice in that time and sadly had to find a new Dr. Our first fertility Dr refused to work with unmarried couples. My OB/GYN from the time before so far away and came back seemed happy to help, but was at a loss for what to do. We’re now working with a fertility specialist who allows you to have the family you need without being married. We’ve started our first cycle of treatments and with any luck this 11th pregnancy will be better.
I’ve heard all the rhetoric about God loving us despite our challenges and that the tests are for our good and to make us stronger. I’ve yet to see any proof anywhere that it is ever for the benefit of the parents to lose a baby at any age, when the parents are good people who would love that baby and ensure no matter the health problems or the gender that the baby had a great life. I’ve heard that I just need to forget about it. I’ve heard that I need to simply move on and let go of the hurt and the anger and the pain. The problem is I did all that 9 times. I’ve more than learned this awful lesson, I don’t need or want it anymore. I went with it, when everyone said it for the best when I lost my first at 17. I went with it when everyone promised I’d have a baby the next time, 9 more times. I went with it when people said God doesn’t give you trials you can’t handle, or maybe you’re not with the right guy, or it’s not the right time for you. None of that helped and certainly none of that worked- I still have an aching heart and empty arms.
My adopted sister who by all accounts is not a good person(drugs, alcohol, stealing, manipulative, & abusive) had 2 pregnancies she sailed through and then decided she was sick of being pregnant, so she drank a ton of pineapple juice until her babies were born. 1 spent a few days in the NICU, both are healthy at 5 and 4 years respectively. This same sister announced her pregnancy on Mother’s Day. I got pregnant only a week or so later. We were thrilled to be pregnant together and to raise the babies together. Her boyfriend is abusive to say the least and despite what he did to her and her children, during her pregnancy she carried her daughter to term. Her daughter just turned 1. My baby girl should be having her 1st birthday in a few weeks. This makes everything so much harder. While I love my niece and she is adorable, and gives me lots of love…it absolutely breaks my heart. The fact that my sister keeps moving her out of state and back again doesn’t help me or my mom.
So please someone tell me where is the hope here? Where is the justice for my babies? Where is the justice for those sweet babies born to those who abuse them and kill them? Most of all WHY?!